FACT: BDSM is not abuse. The participants in BDSM are loving, caring, communicative, consensual adult partners that know the risks of what they do and the pleasures they can receive from doing them. The actions used in consensual BDSM are negotiated, involve the communication of limits and boundaries that are not to be crossed and instill the use of a safeword that stops all action as soon as it is spoken. Everything is fully agreed upon by all parties involved.
Abuse is a pattern of controlling and manipulating the actions, thoughts and life of another person without their consent. The tactics of control (physical abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, economic abuse, and/or sexual abuse) used by batterers are not used in the context of a consensual, negotiated BDSM relationship and cannot be stopped with a safeword.
BDSM is Safe, Sane and CONSENSUAL…..Abuse is NEVER consensual.
FACT: The assumption that it is all about pain is because that is the most prominent and the most conflicted with mainstream thought. Pain isn't enjoyable to all people and you don't have to enjoy pain to be into BDSM. Maybe you only like bondage, or maybe it's the power exchange that you are really drawn to. Either way it doesn't have to involve pain at all. For those that it does involve pain, they also enjoy other aspects of the BDSM lifestyle.
People are wired differently. Studies have shown that sexual arousal stimulates endorphin production (naturally occurring hormone that masks pain and produces feelings of euphoria). That production can also be stimulated by BDSM. This gives rise to the concept of pleasure/pain. Some submissives get enjoyment in the thought that they are accepting pain for their Dominant. Others simply enjoy the heavy sensations. They can often go quite a long time and can achieve an endorphin high that is remarkably similar to orgasm. Almost all of BDSM play is not about the pain, but the excitement that comes from the sensation of the pain and mentally pushing past those barriers to reach that state of total bliss.
BDSM is about enjoyment, stimulation, pleasure, and most of all, trust. It is about eliciting emotions through activities that may appear harmful but are actually carefully orchestrated. BDSM is never done with the intent to harm or endanger and never done in anger or times of stress.
While some players seek pain in a manner that is pleasurable to them, many other players seek sensations and stimulation through a variety of other forms of BDSM. The range of actions in BDSM is quite broad and most participants do not enjoy all of the activities or roles. In fact, many BDSM practitioners prefer cross-dressing, bondage, mild spankings and control, known as Dominance and submission. For many it is being able to give up control and be under the will of another that gives them the most pleasure.
FACT: BDSM activities are regulated between partners by means of intense negotiation, the setting of limits and activities partners will not engage in and the use of safewords.
Part of the allure of BDSM is the appearance of danger. Partners may be bound, harsh looking implements are utilized and emotions may run high. However, BDSM practices are performed in such a way that the element of danger, while still present in appearance, is practically eliminated. Partners - even casual partners - have respect and care for each other, and work together to avoid physical and emotional trauma.
While the use of a BDSM ‘toy’ or ‘implement’ may look painful, pain is perceived differently from person to person. A light flogging may be too intense for one person, while a heavy flogging may be perfect for someone else. Some people who practice BDSM are truly into pain, but the majority of practitioners utilize increasing doses of strong physical sensation through BDSM activities to accomplish a higher goal - the production of those endorphins within the body! The intensity of the sensations are carefully controlled by communication between partners in order to assure the submissive partner's comfort and to prevent the experience of unwanted pain.
FACT: While this seems to be an assumption made mostly by psychologists or counselors, there is no documented proof that BDSM activities, or the desire to engage in them, come from childhood abuse or trauma. Like all communities, there is usually a small percentage of individuals for whom this may be true, but for the majority, it is not, and sweeping generalizations tend to further stigmatize our diverse needs.
While some people who practice BDSM may be survivors of childhood abuse there are many more that have never experienced abuse in childhood or in adulthood. There is no cause and effect relationship between childhood abuse and becoming a BDSM practitioner.
FACT: A person's interest in anal play has nothing to do with attraction to the same sex. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation or gender identity, and every thing to with enjoyment of the sensations created. People in the BDSM lifestyle can be Gay, Straight, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender, just as Vanilla people can be any of those as well. Both men and women engage in anal play in the BDSM Femdom lifestyle. Just as sexual orientation is who you are, the desire to engage in anal play is also who you are and what you need to be. Partnerships range from Male Dom/male sub to Male Dom/female sub to Female Domme/male sub to Female Domme/female sub.
FACT: People who take on a Dominant role in BDSM / Femdom like to engage in CONSENSUAL control of a partner for the partner’s pleasure. Dominants negotiate with their partners and then engage in the type of ‘control’ their partner desires.Don’t confuse Dominant with domineering. A domineering person is somebody overbearing who likes to control others all the time, whether the other person likes it or not.In BDSM, the submissive willingly gives up the control to the Dominant, who takes that control, combines it with his own energy and redirects it back to the sub. Each gives up something to the other so that, together, they can achieve the pleasures they are both looking for.
FACT: Says who? Anybody can give themselves a title. It's what we do and how we handle ourselves that defines us. This is not about giving yourself a title, it's about the attitude behind the title. Which would mean more?… someone calling you Master / Mistress because you ordered them to; or calling you Master / Mistress because they respect you for your love, honor, compassion and integrity?
Ultimately submissives have the final say. They can submit or not, they can give respect or refuse you. No one deserves a rank or title just because they hold the Dominant role or because they say so. Respect is earned, not assumed. A Mistress who has to demand respect, has not earned it and is therefore not truly deserving of it.
FACT: Not by a long shot! The majority of submissives involved in BDSM /Femdom are strong, self-sufficient individuals, who have intense and high-powered occupations. They feel the need to practice the submissive role because it is a means of escape for them from having to make decisions. It is very common to find lawyers, doctors, CEO’s and politicians who practice the submissive role. They know what they want and participate of their own free will. There are a lot more submissives on the scene than Dominants.
This is probably one of the biggest myths about the BDSM/Femdom lifestyle. The vanilla society perceives submission to be a weakness because they do not understand the dynamics of submission. The opposite is what is true. It takes a very strong person to trust completely in another person to the point of turning control of their body, mind, heart and life over to them. In fact, being a submissive and being able to trust someone like this, makes them even stronger and more confident. It is indeed one of the strongest things a person can do.
Men who are submissives, are especially some of the strongest and most confident in the lifestyle. They are able to come to a Dominant and fully submit when the world around them tells them they should be in control. They are able to take down the walls that they put up for the outside world and become who they truly wish and need to be.
FACT: Why? If everyone was the same, this would be a very boring world indeed. The best way to act for all participants, whether Dominant or submissive, is to be yourself. Submissives don’t all come prepackaged from a BDSM/ Femdom training camp!
Submissives in a relationship would be expected to act how their Master has trained them to act. This varies from couple to couple. To each their own, there is no right or wrong. Unattached submissives should be polite and courteous, as this will go a long way towards finding a Dominant and getting that play date.
At private clubs, submissives are expected to act a certain way, as are Dominants, but everyone should know that going in. Some clubs can be pretty formal, but most tend to be more laid back. As long as the club rules and safe-sane-consensual are followed at all times, everyone is allowed to do their thing. Some couples are very formal, while others prefer to be more relaxed. Neither is necessarily right, just different. Private club rules have to be followed, but they would never try to squash a person’s individuality.
FACT: BDSM can be intensely sensual, but it doesn't have to be intensely sexual. To say that sex never occurs in BDSM is a lie. It's just that it doesn't have to. BDSM play is sexual for some but this is not true for everyone. There are some who practice BDSM who do not experience any sexual arousal. Many people have wonderful, high as a kite experiences without any sexual contact at all. They find that endorphin high through the broad variety of BDSM activities.
Being in the scene also doesn't mean you are automatically going to get laid. Using a position in the scene to coerce sex, non consensually, is NOT what BDSM is all about.
FACT: Just like in all communities, there are some members of the BDSM Femdom community who are a bit freer with their bodies and will engage in any type of activity with just about anyone, but the majority of people within the BDSM community, especially those who are married or in long term relationships, are monogamous in one way or another.
Some partners are completely monogamous - they do not play or have sex with any other people in any way whatsoever.Other partners will engage in physical play, like flogging, spanking, or teasing with others, but will not engage in any type of sexual activities with them. And others will engage in physical play and some sexual activities, but not anal or vaginal penetrative sexual activities.
FACT: It is believed that because BDSM isn't widely accepted that the only people who participate are lower class, criminal types, secretive people and others that aren't accepted in mainstream openly. This is simply not true. The need to be involved in BDSM is in your blood, it is the way a person is wired. There are very prominent people into BDSM, from all walks of life, all over the world.
No one is excluded. BDSM practitioners are lawyers, doctors, politicians, teachers and businessmen. We are students, housewives, waiters, members of the PTA and that nice teller at the bank. We go to church, spend holidays with our families and laugh at silly comedies. We have probably treated you at your local hospital, waited on you at the grocery store and walked past you on the street. We are just like everyone else.
This myth is prevalent because so many people have to keep their sexuality a secret because of the negative repercussions of society. Discrimination is still strong when it comes to BDSM, mostly because people don't understand it and don’t want to understand it. It is not abuse, it is not violence. So many states still rule BDSM and Femdom behavior as assault and that pushes people even further into secrecy.
It's who we are, not where we came from or what we do that should matter in our lives. But sadly, ignorance towards BDSM/Femdom runs rampant in this world.