My first trip to a psychiatrist was making me very nervous, indeed. I had felt very confused for about 25 years now, and several trips to therapists, a failed marriage, an identity crisis, and bouts with depression had convinced me that I needed to try something different….something more.
The catalyst for my decision had been my recent obsession with Goddess Holli Davidson. I found her on the internet, via Her Web Sites. Well, I shouldn’t say I met her…rather…..i sought her control and power out, and She seemed to call out to me, and draw me in to her world of seduction, torture, brainwashing, and manipulation. There was nothing malevolent about her…unless You consider Her unique ability to give Her followers what they want……and they want nothing more than to be controlled, manipulated, and disciplined. She was so very good at what she did…so…very….good.
But, I was becoming frightened. Her images, Her words, Her voice…..they were inside my head more than i was comfortable with. i was starting to feel comfortably uncomfortable. My days were not complete unless i viewed Her image. i felt empty each day that I did not receive an email from her, even though I didn’t expect them, had no reason to expect them . She had become the person who I confessed my sins to, and this was bothering me more than anything. Was She becoming too big a part of my life? I had never even met her. Was this healthy for me? Was She adding to my mental state of confusion, or was She making me less confused, more focused…..
So, I made an appointment to see Dr. Joanne Astill, a local psychiatrist. Was it a coincidence that she reminded me of Goddess Holli? Or that she was strikingly attractive (though not as attractive as Holli)? I wasn’t sure…..But I was sure that my head was starting to feel like mush at times. I needed help……and I sincerely thought Dr. Astill could help me make some sense out of everything.
On my first visit, Dr. Astill came out from around her desk and greeted me with a reassuring smile, a warm, 2 handed handshake, and a light rub of my back as she guided me into a very comfortable chair. She was extremely beautiful, with long brown hair, slightly kinky, held in a loose ponytail halfway down her back. She had an athletic build, and was slightly taller than my 5 foot, 11 inches, though she was wearing 4 inch high heels. She wore a snug fitting black business dress, with a length ending just above her knees. She also wore a pair of sheer black stocking, or hose…..I didn’t know which……
She took a seat in a chair a couple of feet away from me…so that when she crossed her legs, her shin was slightly toughing my trousers, and the side of her shoe sometimes touched the side of my calf……..I was a little taken aback at how close she sat to me. It made me feel very on edge…….but she soon put me at ease.
“Now, Peter, I just want you to look at me, and understand that you can tell me whatever you want, and it will only remain between you and me. I am here to help you, and only you. So I Need for You to trust me with your heart and soul….and especially your mind…….” I nodded in response to her soothing, English accented words….. .”I want you to take a deep breath with me now…..in unison with me. Purse your lips together and suck the air out of the same atmosphere that I do, Peter…….When we are done with that, we will both hold that air in our lungs, for 10 seconds. I will count to 10 on my fingers, and you will notice my fingers going up, one by one, in the background, as you look into my eyes. As you look into my eyes, and you hold your breath in, you will trust me more with each second that passes, with each finger that goes up. At ten fingers, as you still look into my eyes, you will exhale slowly, through your mouth, across the space between us, into my face. I will do the same, into your face. Once all of our air is expelled, we will both inhale the air from the lungs of the other , through our noses, simultaneously. We will hold each others air, letting it become absorbed in each others bloodstream, for another ten seconds. At the end of these seconds, which I will again count on my fingers, we will have mutual trust on a very, very, personal level……..and it will be sealed as we again exhale into each others space. We will share each others space, each others air, each others trust. It will make our talks more intense, more personal, and more effective. Do you understand?”
At this point, I was already totally in awe of this woman. We had hardly begun, and she had every ounce of my attention. My anxiety had disappeared completely. I could not wait for the process to begin….I muttered a very weak “yes…..Doctor”, as I looked into her eyes. She smiled , her full lips spreading across her face, the shiny red lipstick glistening……”Very well then, Peter……..let’s begin….”
I did as she had instructed……pulling air past my pursed lips into my lungs as she did the same. She gazed into my eyes with a very intense stare as I noticed her fingers on her hands going up one by one on her armrests. She alternated fingers from hand to hand…..until both hands were open. I couldn’t help but notice, written on her hands, in dark red, the words, TRUST ME. TRUST on her right hand(my left), ME on her left.
We exhaled, and I noticed right away the sweet , cool , taste and smell of her breath. I also noticed that when my air hit her face, her eyes rolled back in her head, her lips parted, and her tongue ran slowly and seductively over her top lip. At the same time, her crossed leg raised up a few inches, stiffening, as her ankle pressed into my calf. She leaned back in her chair, a wicked lustful look on her face, as she started raising her fingers again, one at a time. Her eyes were half open and glazed now, eyes that looked like they were having sex, as we held our breath again. The same words were on the palms, of course, but now they were shaking slightly, and the red lettering was dripping. At ten, both hands were open, and we both exhaled…… She reached across and took my hands, and matched my palms with hers, as she moved her face within an inch of mine. There was such warmth coming from her hands, such energy……….She whispered……” Now we can begin”, as she slowly leaned back, away from me, and pulled her hands ever so slowly away from mine. “Look at you hands”, she told me. I did as she said, and saw that they said TSURT EM ….TRUST ME, backwards……….
“So, Peter, why are you here?” I started going into my state of confusion, how I wasn’t sure who I was or what I wanted. I started telling her about my teenage years, when I was lured by a predator into a group of bisexuals, she/males, and practitioners of BDSM. In short a world of hedonism, decadence, and perversion. In the middle of my tale, she said softly…..” Enough, Peter….I’ve heard enough……..I understand you, and I am going to help you………….” I was somewhat shocked, as I had only been speaking a few minutes……but I trusted her….deeply. “ What do you think about? What is on your mind everyday. What makes it hard for you to concentrate? What is in your head, Peter…..?” I proceeded to tell her about the obsession I was developing with a dominatrix I found on the internet. As I described my involvement, and the fact that I had recently been considering signing a contract that would legally bind me to her, she listened intently. She smiled, nodded, sometimes interjecting with” I see”, or, ‘interesting, peter…..keep going…you are doing so well”. Before I knew it , she looked at the clock on the wall and said…”your 1st hour is up…..now , for the second hour, we can really get serious…..” Immediately I told her I had only made an appointment for an hour…..that I can’t afford 2 hours, and that I had to get back to work. She put her finger up to my lips gently to stop me from talking….then she said softly, confidently…..
“ You made an appointment for 2 hours. You can afford it….because you will find a way to afford it. Because you need the second hour. Every session will be 2 hours. We will start with once per week, and most likely, it will increase to twice per week. But you need time to acclimate, so we will wait until you have had 4 sessions before we do two sessions a week, 2 hours per session. You will understand at the end of this session why this is necessary. Peter, you don’t have a choice…….do you understand?’
I nodded…she smiled, took her finger away, and placed it softly on my knee. She slowly leaned forward, looking into my eyes, as her hand slid up my thigh. He fingers gently squeezed my inner thigh until her index finger touched my stiffness, where she stopped. Her lips a couple of inches from mine, she made a kissing motion , and then leaned back into her seat slowly….both hands back in her lap. ‘ Anything to say, peter?”
I just shook my head slowly…….”well then…… I’ll do all the talking……you just listen…..very closely, very intensely, peter. And understand, that everything I say is the truth. You will not question it, because you trust me, with your heart, soul, and mind.” I nodded.
“ The things you have told me about your childhood, your teenage years, your adult years, and your current state….do not deny them. Embrace them. They are who you are. You only got into these situations because you wanted to get into them Because you were called to them. Because they called to you. And they spoke to you. They spoke to your heart, your mind, your soul. When you deny these things you deny yourself. And that will only cause confusion, pain, and suffering. It will keep you from pleasure, it will keep you from love, it will keep you from contentment. Listen to me closely…and understand me..and trust me…….if you deny yourself, you will die a slow, miserable lonely, painful death.” With these last words, she leaned towards me, and held my chin firmly in her hand. “I’m going to help you avoid that….You can’t do it on your own, because you are weak. You need strength. I am your strength. I am your advisor…..I am your mentor. Its what I do. It’s what I relish. Are you with me, peter? “ I nodded, as I stared into her eyes, and watched her lips move in time with her words.
“Goddess Holli……..is not hurting you…she is helping you. She is helping you become the person you are destined to be. She is the formost thing in your mind, and she will only continue to take bigger and bigger pieces of your brain. It is inevitable that she takes it all. I don’t know this woman, but I know how she thinks…..she thinks like me. We are one in the same, Holli, Doctor Astill…..we are one in the same….don’t you see it? “ I didn’t know what to say or do…so I was motionless. “ If not, you soon will. By the end of this session, you will have started your final transformation. Your transformation into the subservient male, to Goddess Holli, and Dr. Astill. You have already opened yourself to her, allowed her to take route in your soul. Now you have let me in as well. Together, we will take you all the way to your destiny. There will be no painful, lonely death for you….only the ecstasy of finally becoming the person you were meant to be. You grew up learning the supposed “right “ way to do things….the way things were meant to be. I am here to tell you they were all lies. Each person is different, each destiny is different. Your destiny is to open up your heart, soul and mind to superior females, who will see to it that your abilities and talents are used in the appropriate ways. Your destiny is complete and utter servitude, mental and physical bondage. Remove your clothing”.
I did as she asked, without even thinking about it. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t thinking about anything at all , at that point. I was just letting her words sink into my being, just letting my body absorb their meaning. It seemed automatic. Everything seemed automatic.
“ Now peter, I want you to take this in your mouth”. She inserted some type of rubber probe into my mouth, which was kept in place with a rubber strap that she pulled over the back of my head. “ It will keep you from biting your tongue……And I’m just going to pt a little gel on your temples, conducting gel…….for the electrodes…..there you go peter”
I didn’t question anything she was doing, because I trusted her completely. I probably knew what was coming next, but I was not able to consciously think about it. She gently attached the electrodes, and whispered in my ear….while gently touching my opposite cheek with her hand……..” when you feel the electricity the first time, you will close your eyes, and imagine Goddess Holli sitting here, pulling the switch. It will last for only about 10 seconds, then it will stop. And you will feel such relief, such love. Then you will open your eyes and see me….and it will be evident to you that we are one in the same……..”
With that she slowly backed away…and even before she was all the way back in her seat, I was jolted with a surge of electricity. It caused an absolute explosion inside my head, and my body shook, my hands tightly gripped the arm rests, and my teeth bit down hard on the rubber. My eyes closed automatically, and bright white light, images of Goddess Holli, with me kneeling at her feet, filled my head. It seemed to go on forever, and then it stopped. Intense calmness absolutely overwhelmed me, as I open my eyes and saw Dr. Astill in my field of vision. I noticed the black box in her lap, and the wires coming off of it, leading to opposite sides of my head. Her hands were now on the armrests of her chair, and she soon raised them slightly. She started raising her fingers one by one, and when she reached ten, revealing her palms to me….with dark red lettering on them. Left palm (her right) said TRUST. Right palm said ME. It seemed so familiar to me , but I couldn’t think…no…I couldn’t think….then her right hand moved to the box…..”eyes open, peter”. With that, she pushed the switch towards me, and an intense jolt of electricity again filled my head, and moved quickly throughout my body. I took it…and kept my eyes on her….she kept me calm…..kept me ….kept me……….only seeing her eyes, not feeling….not hearing….only seeing…her face…..her body…as mine shook…….seeing her …..smile….feeling her happiness…feeling happy………..electricity still coming…………..coming….feeling pain now…scared…now…then….her finger moves….ending the pain….bring relief……relief….calm……love………….obedience.
Once again, she started counting on her fingers………and repeated the cyle, over and over….alternating eyes closed…..seeing Goddess Holli……calmness, relief,love…eyes open, Dr. Astill……..then calm, relief, love. This went on for about 45 minutes. At the end of which, needless to say, I slumped to one side of my chair….totally used up, titally spent…my mind absolutely numb. Everything fuzzy. She leaned over to take the mouthpiece and electrodes off, and gently caressed my face with both of her hands…..
Again, she whispered in my ear, this time, ever so lightly letting her moist lips touch my lobe….” The taste in your mouth…the sweet, rubber taste, peter…..you are always going to associate it with me….with this room, with the way you feel right now. And how do you feel, peter?” She pulled away looking at my glassy stare, seeing that I was in no condition to speak. Smiling, she continued, her lips millimeters from mine, slightly touching occasionally…” I’ll tell you how you feel………..you feel used…you feel open…..you feel complete….you feel wanted. You feel alive…..so alive…like you were meant to feel…..you feel controlled , you feel….so …sweetly…spent.”
She stood up and walked towards the door, where there was a dial on the wall.” Now, Peter , I’m going to pump in the gas………” She turned the dial, and I heard the motors kick in , through the fuzziness in my head. It’s a little something that you will be breathing for the rest of the time you are in here today, and I will turn it on each time you return…..a little something to help your complete transformation into subservience, to happiness…to your destiny.” Just breathe it in….breathe in the sweet smell of submission.” She leaned against the wall and toot off her high heels, then proceeded to slowly pull of her stockings, one leg at a time. She then put her heels back on, and slowly walked back to me……..continuously staring into my eyes. She walked behind me, and gently grabbed my shoulders, pulling me out of my slouch. Then she slowly slipped one of the stockings completely over my head and face. Then she pulled the second stocking over that one, and rubbed her hands all over my head, face, ears, and neck, from behind. She pulled the back of my head into her chest, and held my head tightly there with her forearms crossed over my face. She whispered in my ear…..”this will help you breathe in the gas, peter …as it filters through the molecules of my stocking, which contain bits of my skin….my outermost covering………..mmmmm ,inhale it….deeply,peter….and live, truly live………..” You need to go just a little farther in this session”, she said as she walked back around and sat in front of me…….she looked a fuzzy, smoky gray through the stockings. “ I need to prepare you for the next session, and the time you spend at home…and at work……”She took the back of my head in her hand and with the other hand
Put her lipstick on the stockings, on the outline of my lips….I could taste it through the fabric, along with the gas………. “ taste it, \\peter…..through the fabric………taste it mixing with the gas….bringing you home………., where you belong”
She then reached for a jar on the floor beside her, picked up a jar, and slowly opened it. She put her index finger into it’s contents, then pulled it out. It looked like a clear, sticky gel. It slowly dripped from the tip of her finger as she reached towards my face……” Open your pretty lips”
I did as she asked, and she poked a hole through the lipstick and stockings, into my mouth…” Suck and lick ….suck and lick…and swallow….peter”
As I did what she said, numbness and tingling radiated out from my tongue, teeth, gums, and mouth…into my brain…my neck….my arms…my chest…..genitals, legs…..feet. my entire body was a vibrating , tingling, throbbing mass within 30 seconds. I had quickly devoured all of her gel…and she removed her finger.
“ Remember…….remember………forever….peter…who gave you this gift…..remember……peter…….rememberrrrr….rememberrrr…..”
I blacked out. When I came to , she was still in front of me……but things were crystal clear now…my vision, my hearing….my focus. “ look down at your right hand”
I did, and noticed I was wearing a purple latex medical glove. “ Hold out your hand”. When I did she squirted some lubricant into the palm. ‘ Now Peter, do not take your eyes off of me…She then reached down and picked up a clear plastic tube, about an inch in diameter. She put one end beneath her skirt, towards her crotch….and inserted the other end through the hole in the stockings, into my mouth. “ I want you to inhale me……..through this tube, into your mouth, your lungs, your blood, your soul. You will inhale as each finger is raised, and then exhale through your nose. You will continue to look into my eyes the entire time. You will also slowly begin to pleasure yourself with your latex hand……begin”
I did as she asked…and with each breath , I experienced incredible peace and incredible pleasure. At the 10th exhale, I was in pure ecstasy, but hadn’t come yet, surprisingly. I noticed the palms of her hand had TRUST ME written in red lettering on them…..seemed so familiar……..
“ Peter now I will complete our session with a very intimate , direct transfer of my being into you. This will increase our bond, and our trust.” She removed the tube from beneath her skirt and brought it towards her mouth.” When I blink my eyes, begin inhaling the air that I present to you through the tube that connects us. I will exhale through the tube as you inhale, and I will inhale through the tube while you exhale. This will continue until all ten of my fingers are up…at which time you will climax, you will be totally relaxed and content, and our initial introduction, and connection, will be complete. It will have laid the groundwork for what is to come in the coming months and years………”
She put the tube into her mouth, seductively closed her lips around it, and slowly closed and opened her eyes….I began……….
I noticed, as we continued, her eyes turned glassy, half open……her hands were limp at her sides, but she continued to count down with her fingers….in slow motion, it seemed. At 4, she uncrossed her legs, and stretched out her stockingless leg across my thigh. I automatically started caressing her shoe and heel….she seemed to like that…….by the look on her face….
At 10….the explosion came…and utter contentment and relaxation followed. While I sat slumped in my chair……she told me what a good patient I was, and how she was looking forward to our future sessions. She also told me…” Peter, I am giving you those stockings, and the glove. When you are with yourself, once every night, you will put these items on, and it will bring you back to this room……to me, to your obsession, to the sights, the smells, the sounds……..do not miss a night. On your way out make an appointment with my receptionist for our next session, 2 days from today……7pm to 9pm. The $25 copayment for each session is to go to Goddess Holli. I will take my fee from the insurance company. Also, before our next appointment, I want you to go on the internet and find Goddess Holli. She has something to share with you. Something I want you to obsess about. Look at everything on her websites. Stare at her images. Absorb her words. When we meet again, I will make sure she is here with us. And peter….next time you are here…bring a lighter.” She stretched out her hand, which I took in mine, and kissed. I got dressed , as she watched, and left the room. “ Good Bye Peter…Sweet dreams……”