UPDATE 2022:Please note our community contains a more in-depth collection of articles and resources in our Free Program, “Help me, find my Domme.
Are you looking for a magic spell or potion a unique formula that will guarantee you a Mistress you want? Well, there isn't any . Not really…
If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you must start at the beginning. Just as you would in the vanilla world First you sit down and identify who you are as a person. By this I mean your viewpoints on morality, spirituality, ethics politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and your sense of humor. Yes!!! It all counts After all is said and done its who you are as a person These fundamental facets count the most. Too many people look through rose colored glasses, looking for the D/s facet instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that equals or matches you. This is critical. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using signs or safe words, wanting only to appease their Domme. So, it is a good idea to 'match' with the same limits as your Domme from the beginning. In addition, if you are a McDonalds burger person, you may have trouble eating caviar and drinking champus every day of the week- be real and honest with yourself!
Yes. Domme's have limits. They have the same mental processes as all humans. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking a Domme who matches you then you reduce the potentials of limits violations. So, you have your list . . . What to do now? Since you are probably reading this via the wonders of the internet Now use your computer to conduct a search (yes that’s right if good for something other than porn ) . You can do so by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Domme, Mistress. Then type in your local area. Some good place to conduct searches are Collarncuffs forum, Collarme.com, Alt.com, Bondage.com . It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 3 hour drive from your permanent residence. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics, they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems which are much less common 'within' your local area. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that could have possibilities. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter (please note this means NO naked photos if a Domme asks for naked pics she is more than likely interested in a playmate than a person). In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually all countries have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. You could also addressed this in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Attend a few local social events (I am not talking play parties or open dungeons but demo's and workshops !).
By limiting your search to your local vicinity you increase the potential of finding a life partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber chats and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to 'prevent' the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement's without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. If you find you are constantly finding Miss Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When you contacting a potential partner/Domme in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to 'appear' just right when they really are not. Keep your email courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. (The things on your list). If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.
Honorific titles are earned - not given by typing in a screen name or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time - consistent actions and behavior becoming to the individual. To me this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.
Next I recommend a fairly quick meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with No plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the sub they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered within the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)
If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your risks are much higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time that children have no reason to question!
Each of these things present you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.
Having said all this I do wish to add that some long distance relationships can and do work. if you are familiar with our forum on Collarncuffs you will know, to whom I am referring too. But I think even he will agree, it has been a long hard haul to the road of happiness…and his hard work has paid off…and we here at Collarncuffs wish him every happiness and a smooth journey forward for him and his Wife/Domme.
article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com