As a sex therapist specializing in kinky sex, I frequently work with couples where the woman is trying to step into a dominant role in the bedroom. Sometimes it’s because the woman is curious about the role; sometimes it’s because her partner wants to submit to her. The biggest question women ask is how to be believable. They feel that in daily life they are either equal or even second to their partners, particularly if the woman is dependent on her partner for financial support. While there is no single formula that works for every couple, here are some steps to help you become the Mistress you want to be.

1. What turns YOU on?

Think of your partner as your personal fantasy facilitator. What gets you hot? Do you like sensual services (hair-brushing, bathing, massages, foot rubs, pedicures)? For some women, nothing is more erotic than having their partner do the housework. Or maybe you have fantasized about wearing a strap on. Identify your biggest thrills and tell your partner that you expect him or her to satisfy those desires. If your kinky sex life is better for your partner than it is for you, you’re doing it wrong.

2. How far do YOU want to go?

A lot of women hold back because they are afraid things will spiral out of control. They are afraid that one minute they’ll be spanking their partner and the next they’ll be in a dungeon whipping strangers. It doesn’t have to go there (unless you want it to, of course). Set boundaries and limits up front and stick to them until you are sure you can handle more. Don’t let your partner talk you into doing anything you are not comfortable with. One of the biggest causes of failure and disappointment is when a dominant woman lets herself be psychologically dominated by the person who is supposed to be submitting to her. Remember that limits can always be expanded and negotiated. But if you scare yourself (or your partner), it’s hard to rebuild the trust.

3. It’s all about YOU.

In general, women tend to place their partners’ sexual needs above their own. The least a dominant woman should expect in bed is a two-way street. If you give great oral sex, you should be getting great oral sex. If you give someone the orgasm of a lifetime, you have one too. Heck, you should have several. You’re the Mistress. This is your time to be self-indulgent.

4. Love YOURSELF.

Nothing is more powerful than a woman who knows what she likes and wants and who accepts herself as a desirable, sexual being. Insecurities destroy the self-confidence that makes femdoms so damn sexy. Free your inner temptress. Some of the most powerful femdoms are large or unconventionally attractive. It isn’t about size, shape, or IQ, for that matter. Sexual power comes from self-acceptance. The more you love yourself, the more your submissive will love you.

5. Keep it REAL.

Don’t try to be someone you are not. Phony is not sexy. Think of domination as a safe, consensual outlet for feelings you usually hide: aggression, sexual hunger, a need for control. There’s a profoundly sexual being inside you. Let her out. She shouldn’t look like the professional Mistresses you see on-line or in movies. She should look like you, only more powerful.

Finally, never forget that kink requires mutual consent and respect. No matter how carried away you get in the moment, make sure that all the other good things you enjoy – cuddling, words of love – are part of the experience. One invaluable trick in every Mistress’s magic bag is “After Care.” When the play is done, and everyone’s tired and happy, hugging and kissing restores balance and reminds you of the real reason you’re doing this: because you love each other.

Article: Gloria Glickstein Brame, Ph.D. and M.P.H. in Human Sexuality, is a clinical sexologist, author and journalist. Dr. Brame is a member of the American College of Sexologists and holds a dual appointment at her alma mater, the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (San Francisco), as Associate Professor of Sexuality and Clinical Sexology.

Dr. Brame was the lead author of Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance & Submission (with co-authors William Brame and Jon Jacobs), hailed as a landmark work on sadomasochistic and fetish subcultures. Her most recent book is Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex, selected as the “official guide to kinky sex” by the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. A former English professor (M.A. in English, Columbia University, NYC), Dr. Brame switched career tracks from literature to sexology in the 1990s. Now, as an internationally acclaimed expert on paraphilia (bondage, sadomasochism, fetishes, cross-dressing, etc.), her work in the field has been cited in scores of scholarly and mainstream publications in the U.S. and abroad, she has appeared on hundreds of TV, radio and web-radio talk-shows and she has contributed articles on sex to a wide range of popular magazines (including Cosmo, Maxim, Redbook, and others).

A long-time on-line explorer, Dr. Brame founded the first on-line BDSM support group on Compuserve in 1987. From 1998 to 2001, she was a resident sexpert for Thrive On-Line, hosting conferences both on BDSM and also on Sex and Spirituality. Dr. Brame's private practice offers counseling to kinky adults and couples, with an emphasis on sexual self-esteem and self-empowerment. Her personal mission has been to give so-called unusual sex practices a human face by promoting education and candid dialogue on these widely misunderstood and formerly taboo topics.