Protocols in Dominant/Submissive Relationships:, Mistress/slave, Domme/Sub…Power based relationships stimulate the mind and the libido. But how do we maintain that erotic charge through the scene and between scenes?
Life comes with bills, the flu, dishes, and laundry, getting the car serviced, taking the trash out, going to work and so much more. Plus then add in kids if you have them and then you have less time. And everything keeps going no matter if you are in a D/s relationship. It means there is no 24/7 bondage, S&M and sex. It means living life the best we can do and trying to add in things to keep that focus of the power exchange. It is keeping it real within reality.
I think people think that when you are in a Femdom it is all about sex and S&M. But as you know we live in the real world and we make our lives fit within reality of the world or it will makes us fit in it.
The only thing that is needed for a Femdom is the power exchange. In a relationship she controls and he serves and obeys. And that is all that is needed. And those things can fit in anyone's life with bills, projects or even if you have kids.
Some people believe that if the vanilla quicksand them that they have to start their D/s relationship all over OR that they are being vanilla.
Many of people look at their lifestyle and just see the toilet overflowing, the stack of dishes, the pile of book bags and the laundry heaping up. They think we are not doing S&M because of all that “vanilla stuff.” Instead of looking at it that way, look at the foundation…the power exchange and see that the D/s is still there or it can still be there without S&M. By no means are we saying to take out the S&M or we don't “need” it. But make sure the foundation of the power exchange is there.
A big mistake I think that people make is separating D/s and non-D/s activities such as everyday vanilla life. They say, “Well our life is too vanilla” or “We were just so vanilla yesterday.”
What I want you to think about: Dominants do you still have the desire to control and have the power in your relationship? When in a vanilla setting would your submissive obey a comment? I am not necessarily talking about telling your submissive strip down at a PTA Meeting, but how about being in a mall shopping and commanding her to try something on for you. Or just even stopping and telling him to kiss in the grocery store….seems like vanilla things, but it isn't if the power exchange in your foundation. So do you have the power and control in all situations - vanilla or not?
Submissives do you have the desire to serve and please even in vanilla situations? Do you defer to your Dominant in vanilla settings as well as private? Would you obey and serve in a vanilla setting?
Also do you have protocols or rituals that go beyond a private setting? If you have protocols and rituals then you have those always too - no matter if in a D/s setting or non-D/s setting.
Those things don't go away just because we are in a vanilla setting. They are a part of our power exchange so in essence a part of whom we are always. So why separate non-D/s or vanilla activities and D/s activities because they are there all the time even if not overtly dominating or overtly submitting.
This quote really sums this up well…Although written for a female sub it is great advice:
“The goal should be to incorporate your dominance and her submission seamlessly into your lifestyle. It should be intertwined so that just about anything you and your sub/slave do together could be construed as D/s. In other words, don't complicate your lives by categorizing aspects and activities into “D/s activities” and “non-D/s” activities.“ ~ RebelGent
A process of protocols and rituals have allowed us to enhance our D/s foundation. These protocols and rituals can be as innocuous as the way oz sits next to me as extensive his daily wardrobe.
The key is to find a set of protocols and rituals that can work - as everyone's tastes, likes/dislikes are all subject to change from one individual to the next. There are varied degrees in which to conduct protocols and rituals from the basic to the incredibly high protocol where you almost have to ask permission to breathe.
As with everything in the lifestyle, some of these ideas may or may not work for you. The level of “micro-management” or just “management” can be controlled and be completely unique. Each Dominant has their personal tastes and preferences - so it only makes sense to personalize the combination of protocols and rituals being applied to your relationship.
I think what is helpful in making the D/s fit into the real world is establishing adaptable protocols and rituals instead of specific rules. It gives more flexibility and does not put such a strain on your relationship.
Consensual M/s and D/s relationships aren't about forcing a bunch of rules. Because given enough time almost anyone will obey if forced. Consensual M/s and D/s relationships are about making the Dominants will your will. It is about wanting to serve and please that person that it aches inside when you don't. It is about obeying because you want and need too.
Here are some protocol and ritual lists just to give you some ideas and wet your appetite and maybe spark off some self thought, some are more extreme than others.
There will be levels of protocol, as defined below. When we enter, we will be in the “normal” level until and unless specified otherwise. After a scene, we will be in the “casual” level until and unless specified otherwise. You may consult this paper as necessary.
The basic idea of this level is that we are a happy couple casually attending a social function together in a kink-friendly atmosphere.
The below was originally written for a female Submissives, but the ideas are transferable and have been sourced from various places on the Internet (I have lost the original source of this document, if you own it could please contact admin)
Some protocols and rituals enhance our relationship:
Other permissions we have used or have in place are:
Again sleeping rituals or protocols that we have used or are currently using:
This is something that ebbs and flows with us. At times, it is loosely control and other times it is very strict. Sometimes I am told what I will do each day. Other times I just need to inform Master what I have on my plate that needs to get done. And yet other times he does not worry about it my schedule at all. Again, Master changes things to meet his needs if it is not working.
source: various internet combined pages who's orginal source has since been lost or taken down.
Protocols and rituals are not needed to have a D/s or M/s relationship. They just are there to enhance the relationship. Some key things to remember when forming protocols is to be flexible, think about why you are doing the protocol, and make it personal. Maybe you start something and it just does not work with your schedule bend it make it work or adopt other protocols to make them fit into your life. We have protocols that are in place that get put to the way side when things are busy or when one of us is ill. Does that mean we are not a D/s couple any more? No way. Our foundation is still there. The dynamic we have is still there even without the protocols and rituals. So, instead of thinking “Oh now we are not doing D/s” she still is in control and he is still serving and pleasing. And lastly don't let the protocols prop up your relationship - meaning if you take away the protocols and rituals is your D/s or M/s dynamic still there? If yes then that is great! If not then you need to take a second look at your relationship. Build the foundation before adding furniture to your house.
Article MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs 2007