I’m Domme so what now?

Taking that first step -How to Learn

Domme with crop ready to set protocols

What brought you here…why are you here?

My guess is you partner has just told you about his submissive desires and you wish to formulate some plan in your head, on how to make it work it for you and your relationship.

My second guess is you are attracted to what you have seen so far but don’t have a clue on where to go next, or what to do.

“The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.“

First off no matter what brought you here. Your reading this article so you either love your partner dearly and wish to give this a go, or you have liked what you seen or read. Either option the process is some what the same. You should take a serious look at yourself. It like the old saying ‘you have to know yourself in order to know others’ What is it about Femdom that You find appealing? Do You wish a 24/7 relationship; taking on the responsibilities for deciding all aspects of a submissive’s life? Do You wish to encourage another to become the best person they can be? Do you wish Femdom just in the bedroom? Alternatively, is it something in-between? Whether, it’s the sense of power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer, except for Yourself. Do not try to live up to any others’ expectation. Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave. You cannot hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first you understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with self-evaluation.

Turn Your attention to the mechanics. At this point, You are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in your body? Are Your fantasies tickled, as You think on the possibilities of this life? You need to define your starting point, what is it that most turns You on. It is quite common over time to find Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of doing, in time, become desires. The opposite is also often true; the things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now, other desires will take their place and move to the foreground. For now, what is it that You desire? Turning the boy over Your knee? Placing an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be escaped? Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?

What’s next? Your partner is the next step in this fabulous journey

Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner or figuring the workings of the sub that you already have. The key, again, is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does the submissive. The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match up with Yours.

What is my submissive partner looking for ? If your partner has brought this all to your attention you may want look at things from his side for awhile. A marketing tip I love to quote ‘is find what motivates, and your half way there’ you by now have self evaluated yourself, now is time to talk to your partner.

This is the key to a successful power exchange relationship, communication. If you don’t know what your submissive is looking for you certainly won’t be able to fulfil their needs. If you don’t know what style of domination your submissive is looking for you could easily cause an emotionally traumatic experience that could scar them for life. If your style of domination is not compatible with what they are looking for it WON’T work!! Don’t try to be something you aren’t just to please a submissive or you will be doing them AND yourself a disservice. Find out first before taking the plunge!

You should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which is truly against their own beliefs or desires, in the end, all You will end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and possibly be arrested. There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us. If You desire to administer pain, You need a partner who wishes to receive it. If You desire only to control, a masochist will never please You. You will both be frustrated by the experience. Know what you want in a partner and seek that.

Relationships…

Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time as well. Do You want to play occasionally or do You want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If You want a long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside of Femdom – otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather quickly.

What personality type is your submissive/or what are you looking for?

  • Is your submissive a hopeless romantic who sees this as the ultimate expression of love?
  • Is your submissive a sex slut who loves being used for your sexual gratification?
  • Is your submissive demure or childlike looking for protection and a sense of security?
  • Is your submissive a humiliation slut who craves being walked on because it makes them feel wonderful?

Listen to your submissive, observe the mannerism, ask them what their darkest fantasy is (that will give you a good idea of what really turns then on) but be aware that some fantasies are just that – fantasies only. If you sub cries every time you raise your voice obviously you will need to handle this one differently than a sub who grovels happily being yelled at.

OK, You know what you want, and what You want to look for.

Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you will be seen for exactly what you are a newbie without a clue. It is not a good way to start. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!

The next step in your journey, you now know what arouses, but what arouses your submissive desire to submit to you or potentially submit to you?

Do you know what arouses your submissives desire to serve you?

  • Have you asked him what turns him on?
  • If they expressed their interests do you consider it topping from the bottom?

Are they afraid to tell you because they don’t want to appear to be in control of what will happen. Here is my personal philosophy on this topic: “Knowledge is Power… the more knowledge a sub gives you the more power you have to own their submission, to deny you that knowledge, is to deny yourself that power.”

Encourage your sub to talk to you or write fantasies to you so you will get an idea of what it is that arouses them. That knowledge will empower you and give you a tool for awakening their submission to a deeper level. Or for that matter they may even awaken your inner potential for Domination.

What are my submissives limitations & boundaries?

A submissive who has NO limits and no boundaries is a very dangerous person with blinders on to the real dangers involved in Femdom. If they are unsure, then fine – a Domme can go slowly and feel their way along letting the submissive find a comfort level of their own. If they claim “I have no limits” I would worry about their own sense of identity and self-worth. “No limits” is the answer online submissives give because they are never in any real danger… they can turn the computer off at any time and remain in control. In real life there are limits… mutilation, snuff scene (suffocating the sub till they die), etc. are all serious limits for anyone of sound mind.

Find out what your submissive is NOT comfortable doing or is afraid of and keep that knowledge in mind when scenting with them. Soft limits can be gently explored, and tested over time… hard limits are never to be approached without a previous conversation expressing an interest in pushing, or extending that limit. A good idea to open conversation and start discussion may be to use a Limits list as we have on Collarncuffs.com. You can find one HERE LINK things you may over look as what you’d think as a soft limit, may be a hard limit to your submissive.

Negotiations

Negotiation involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do. Don’t violate what the sub sets as limits.

  • (1) You’ll do him considerable mental harm
  • (2) You’ll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it’s no longer consensual)
  • (3) word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore. (Remember the BDSM/Femdom community is very tightly knit and nothing stays hidden for long.)

Are you willing to follow, and set, your own set standards and rules?

This is the biggest of mistake made by new dominants, double standards! If you expect a submissive to obey your rules you had better be ready to back up the consequences of those rules. If you don’t the sub will no longer feel inclined to bother since you aren’t bothering to enforce them. In addition if you expect one standard from your sub but you just don’t feel like doing it yourself then you are sending a message to that submissive that it really isn’t all that important to you after all. Make sure that if you are going to set standards, you live by those standards as well. Never say one thing and do another.

Will my submissive be able to live up to my standards and rules?

Your submissive wants to please you, so setting unreasonable standards is sabotaging them to failure. In my view discipline is misused often in the context of Femdom… discipline is a tool for correcting unsatisfactory behaviour which is very different from “role playing” where a naughty boy gets spanked in playful fun. Keep your standards reasonable so they can succeed in the tasks being given (unless they are total humiliation sluts who want to fail always). There is nothing like the pleasure of success and the rewards that go with it (for both parties involved) …Mistakes are the portals of discovery. ALL mistakes will teach you (both) something.

What does my submissive need to remain in a power exchange relationship?

  • Do they need constant attention?
  • Do they need rewards?
  • Do they need time set aside each week for scenes?
  • Are they content just taking care of you?
  • Do they crave discipline or stern treatment?

Find out what they consider to be the most important things in a Femdom relationship and make sure to incorporate some of those needs in order to satisfy both of you. I could answer these questions for you, but in truth you both need to discuss this matter for yourself. What I find my submissive needs are, maybe very different from what your submissive needs, desires and wants to maintain the relationship.

Where will the power exchange exist? (bedroom only, home only, always, etc.)

If your sub is a exhibitionist and you are a very private person that submissive isn’t going to fly to the level they desire within their submission. Establishing these boundaries early on will help maintain that power exchange relationship only within the parameters established. Of course in time these limits can and often do change so communication is essential as you both grow and explore your relationship.

What are my responsibilities to my submissive?

Time to look inside again…are You willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails? Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place as safely, as possible. The submissive you find may desire being hurt, are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams

If someone is going to entrust you with their life then you are going to have some serious responsibilities. Once you find activities that interest you, you will need to learn how to do these activities safely. In addition taking a first aid course is highly encouraged for anyone pursuing a Femdom relationship – especially if your submissive is over 40 or has a history of heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, seizures, asthma, etc. Knowing how to care for your submissive partner when they are not capable of taking care of themselves IS the responsibility of the Mistress.

Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about safety. There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS.( you can find more links in our resource section)

What are my submissives responsibilities to me

If your submissive gets injured it is your responsibility, if your submissive is struggling with flash backs of anxiety attacks it is your responsibility to care for your sub. They are trusting you with their very lives, this is a serious responsibility. But that being said your submissive has a responsibility to take care of your needs as well. They need to know when your energy is low. They need to know how to read your reactions and to assess your requirements. They also have a responsibility to communicate candidly.

Answers are only found when we begin to question why.

Knowledge IS power so the more you know, the more you are able to use in pushing beyond where you are now to where you desire to be tomorrow.

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Further Resources:

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

its actually really hard being a fledgling Dominant.

How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?

Anyone got good ideas for our newer list members?

Some ideas picked up along the way (and by no means exhaustive)

1 thyself.

  • Have a long hard think about if and why you identify as Dominant. do you love it? you don’t really know. Embark on your journey into D/s to find the answers out for yourself, don’t pretend you have them all already.

2 Read Read and more reading

  • I found that it helped to read up on the technical side first. Choose your own favorites. No doubt there are loads of web sites and mailing lists like this one to read as well. discriminating about what you read in mail lists and web sites. There is a vast difference between D/s fantasy and the practice in real life. A lot of very wise sounding advice is given online, but question how much of it is based on practical experience (including the inevitable making of mistakes!!). takes a long while to work out who is for real and who is spinning a (lovely) fantasy. However, reading about BDSM is a bit like reading cookbooks. cannot learn to cook until you try it.

3 out

  • We have heaps of BDSM clubs, parties and dungeons in Victoria (Chains, Hush Now, Perversity, Purgatory, Abode, CyberBall to name a few), so there’s no excuse for staying at home reading the net!!

4 all the other Dominants you can

  • It helps enormously to make friends with other Dominants. of them. experience and gravitas in your local scene will eventually rub off on you! most of them are egotistical enough (me included!!) to like the idea of taking a new Dominant under their wing. dead easy to convince some Tops to give you impromptu lessons in slave training, flogging, bondage etc love to talk!!

5 trying

  • However, it can be hard to befriend some "Dominants" because they Know It All and have a really tedious need to dominate everyone (not just their own sub/s). might also get snubbed by the occasional “Queen of the Scene” (happens to me all the time!)Don’t give up – I believe that every city’s scene has Dominants that are mature (and secure) enough to properly befriend and mentor new Dominants. Go to events, meet lots of people and seek out the Dominants that strike you as approachable and reasonably well liked (ESPECIALLY by other Dominants. easy to fool some of the subs some of the time, but if a "Dominant" cannot get along with other Dominants, then they definitely have problems

6 Choose a same sex mentor (unless you are gay)

  • It may seem easier to seek out mentors of the opposite sex, but be conscious that Dominants can have totally explosive chemistry with one another. starts out as a bit of flirtation can turn into a wild ride of switching, mind fucks and power games. is why a lot of Masters and Mistresses are love partners – and all power to them. as a new Dominant in search of self, I don’t recommend it (yet;)

7 your time

  • Notice I haven’t suggested run around like Lady Headless chook looking for submissives to play with? you can advertise like crazy all over the net and hang around the walls at every club, but what have you got to offer? Instead, push yourself to meet people of all persuasions (tops, bottoms, fetishists, male, female) and take a real interest in their lifestyle and personal choices. will help you discover your own style of Dominance, define your expectations and introduce you to potential partners.

8 Stay real

  • Most of all, stay yourself. to be A Real Dominant (what ever the hell that is) is doomed to failure. ‘T tell fibs exaggerating your experience or skill. bit of humility and grace goes a long way. egos, low self esteem and dishonesty are NOT Dominant and everyone else knows it. If you are genuine, self assured, approachable and dominant without being domineering (they are TOTALLY different things), your submissive will find you. than you think.

9 Pass it on

  • And remember that one day you will no longer be a newbie, and then it will be your turn to hold out the hand of friendship to newcomers.

largely reprinted from my articles posted elsewhere – so apologies to those who have heard it all before or BDSM if you aren’t strictly into D/s – I use the expressions pretty interchangeably …

Article MissBitch & MissBonnie CollarNccuffs.com

Additional resources

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

How to become a good Mistress

TEN Basic’s FOR Femdom

leather clad Domme

1.Be Patient…

  • Until you enter into a relationship with a submissive, you have no more right to order him around than does anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.

2. Be Humble…

  • You may be Femdom’ gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are – and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.

3. Be Open…

  • Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in D/s-SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.

4. Communicate…

  • You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing D/s-SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of D/s-SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.

5. Be Honest…

  • If you lack experience in an area that your submissive would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.

6. Be Sensitive…

  • There’s a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your bottom’s needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.

7.Be Realistic…

  • End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don’t try to imitate them to the last detail.

8.Be really Dominant…

  • Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from Internet or media produced fodder . Your dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life – it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don’t shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role – now take it!

9. Be Healthy…

  • Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don’t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of “drugs and alcohol don’t affect me that much… I can do it anyway” violates your submissives trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don’t want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn’t be playing the game!

10. Have Fun…

  • After all, sex/play is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative play

Additional reading materials :

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

© Resource Article :MissBonnire Collarncuffs.com

Topping Tips hints, tricks and more

When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?

Play with them!

There are all kinds of common objects that produce intense and enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless lover. Combs for dragging across the skin, feathers for tickling a frantic foot, clothespins (use a couple or use many in artistic rows–these can be as intense as you want to make them!), ice cubes, chocolate syrup, strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?), leather belts for slapping or spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating, and of course your own fingers, mouth, genitals, and everything else. Enjoy taking your time with your willing victim; drive them to distraction, then bring them to the edge of ecstasy, then back off and make them beg for more!

leather corset
leather corset

Remember

you can set the mood as you wish. You can be playful, amused at your own ineptitude even while your bottom is moaning with desire. You can be stern and commanding, sympathetic but nasty, jolly yet sadistic–anything you please. As long as you focus your attention on your bottom, your bottom will have a great time! Relax, go with the flow, and if you stop enjoying it, call safe word–tops can use safewords too.

Of course, there’s no need to feel like you need to put all your attention into pleasing your bottom; what’s a good slave for if not for pleasing their mistress? I’ve several times played with my boy friend and used him for my own selfish pleasure, giving little attention to hiss–and he loved it! But there is no doubt that with pleasure it is as good to give as to receive. Just remember, communicate, be sensitive to what your bottom is feeling, and you’ll have no problem.

The one thing that is quite important to remember as a top is that you are responsible for your bottom.

As you begin playing with Sand M, you may well be placing your bottom in situations in which he or she is physically helpless and/or emotionally vulnerable. It is important that you recognize they are placing a great deal of trust in you, and in your ability to handle any situations that may come up. If you’re in the middle of a hot scene, and suddenly someone unexpectedly bangs on the door, you may both be startled and shocked–but your bottom will be immediately looking to you for protection. If something happens that you didn’t expect, take care of your bottom _first_–reassure them that you’re not going to let anything happen to them, and then deal with the problem calmly and sensitively.

And don’t be limited by preconceptions of what you and ought and to be doing, or worries about how you’re not topping and correctly. and If you start to feel pressured or insecure, take a step back, and ask yourself what _you_ want out of the scene. Sometimes, when I’ve been bottoming for my boyfriend, he hasn’t been in the mood to play with me sexually–so he made me his slave and commanded me to… bathe him and wash him! This was lots of relaxed fun for both of us, and it let her unwind enough to keep playing the way _she_ wanted to play. Be honest, not only with your bottom, but with yourself. And if you are in the middle of a scene, and suddenly your honesty says I don’t want to be doing this or I don’t know what my partner wants, or even what I want, then by all means stop the scene–gracefully if possible. Better that than for the scene to drag on until both of you are sick of it.

If you still don’t have any ideas, and if your bottom is really hot to trot, you can always start playing with your bottom and getting them excited in whatever way you know how, and demand that they tell you a fantasy of theirs, or you’ll stop. Talking dirty to each other–trading hot fantasies, knowing that you can make then happen if you want to–is the best way I know of getting ideas for scenes. This actually goes for ALL sexual play, whether it involves Sand M or not! Still stuck try the community for ideas or one of our free eLearning programs

If you want detailed descriptions of positions, possible scenes, and so forth, you would do well to find a copy of _Sensual Magic_ or _SM 101_. and order some mail-order catalogs of Sand M books; lots of ideas!). Or, post with your questions to the forum or here on CollarNcuffs.com, Asking for any and all suggestions.

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

TEN basic’s FOR SUBMISSIVES interested in Femdom

1. Be Patient…A potential top or mistress /Domme will let you know if she is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don’t expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.

2. Be Humble…You may be God’s gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.

3. Be Open…You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. D/s- SM is a very personal art, and an “I already know it all” attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable D/s-SM friends.

4. Communicate…Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turnoffs. But – unless it’s an emergency – wait until your top asks. Don’t expect your dominant to be a mind-reader who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.

5. Be Honest…Don’t be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turnoffs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.

6. Be Vulnerable…Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don’t always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you’ve written in your head. It’s far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you’re never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her know it, and let her guide you into new fantasies.

7. Be Realistic…Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don’t call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment. Your top’s equipment is expensive – respect it and don’t abuse it.

8. Be really Submissive…This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don’t coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then loyal and dependable and enjoy your role

9. Be Healthy…D/s-SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants – both active and passive – be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an “I want it all now” attitude when you aren’t able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.

10. Have Fun…After all, sex/play is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative D/s-SM play.

collarncuffs@collarncuffs.com

Related Articles:

beginner’s guide for men on how to use a vibrator.

On our studyBDSM training entertainment program “A taste of Cyber” it’s surprising the amount of subbies who have no idea I they could use a vibrator on themselves for play. They either thought vibrators only worked on women, or they weren’t for “guys like them.”
Once most of these men gave vibrators a chance, they quickly became converts. Vibrators aren’t made for a certain kind of person, vibes are for anyone interested in discovering new ways to feel sexual pleasure.

several vibrators


Men in particular are offered a narrow set of sexual options, and vibrators can help expand those options and discover pleasure and orgasms you didn’t even know were in you. If you’re curious, here are some tips for men on how to use a vibrator

Time Required:

For Your First Time, a Half Hour or More of alone quiet time in a warm room.

Here’s How:
Explode the myth.

Most male submissives think vibrators are sex toys for women, or Dominants only. Since you may have never thought vibrators could be for you, you may need to give yourself some time to get comfortable with the idea of trying a vibrator. The good news is that once you do, you’ll be greatly rewarded. Remember that sex toys aren’t made for certain kinds of people, they’re made to stimulate nerve endings. you have those  Anyone and everyone could be the “kind of person” who uses vibrators, and using one doesn’t say anything about you other than the fact that you like yourself enough to want to feel good.

Get to know your vibrator. Take your vibrator out of the package and get to know how it works and what kind of batteries it takes. Play with the buttons and switches and find out how many speeds and settings it has. Wash your vibrator well before using it. If it isn’t waterproof be careful not to get any water near the battery case.

Check for sharp edges or seams (these can be easily filed down and made safe). Make sure the body of the vibrator isn’t coming apart from the battery pack and that all wires are solid and secure. If there are any flaws return your vibrator before you use it.

Start on your own.

Even if you’re planning on using your vibrator with a partner, it’s a good idea to check it our by yourself first. If you are owned make sure you request permission first, the last thing we want is you in trouble with your Domme. Are you alone? You’ll feel less self-conscious and/or you can really concentrate on how it feels for you without being distracted (for better or worse) by a partner. Make sure you have a little time and enough privacy. If you’ve got roommates, children, thin walls, or nosy neighbors, you can always turn on some music and make use of blankets and comforters to mute the sound (you may also want to think about getting a quieter vibrator).

»»Dull a loud BUZZZZZZ : Some battery-powered vibrators come with a foam, rubber, or cardboard insert that fits in the battery compartment to keep the batteries in place and prevent them from rattling. If the insert was cardboard, you may have accidentally discarded it while unpacking the vibrator or changing the batteries. If necessary, you may be able to improvise a new one by cutting a piece of thin scrap cardboard to fit inside the compartment..

Play with the lights on.

Not everyone will be comfortable with this one, and vision may not be a sense you rely on, but playing with a vibrator with the lights on can be very educational and useful. You can discover specific places on your body that are rich with nerve endings and ripe for stimulation. This is the kind of information you can use on yourself in the future and share with a lover or your Dominant partner. You can achieve the same effect with touch, knowing exactly where the vibrator is, but seeing what’s going on can be a benefit for some.

Getting hot to trot.

It’s a generalization, but we are going to say it any way, men probably don’t touch all parts of their body as often as women do. You may be 100% familiar with your genitals, but how well do you know your calves or thighs? When was the last time you noticed how it feels to be touched behind your knees? Before you turn the vibrator on, get used to how it feels on your body. Press it firmly against your skin and massage your muscles with it. How does it feel to use a different amount of pressure on your nipples. This isn’t meant to give you an orgasm, but it’s a slow way of introducing your body to the vibrator. Vibes are for more than just genitals, the whole body can benefit.

Turn on and tuning in.

Once you turn it on, start by touching the vibrator to your feet and your hands. Run it up and down your arms and legs, across your belly, your shoulders and neck, your scalp and face. Even though vibrators are used mostly around the penis, scrotum, ass and nipples, don’t just jump to the main even. What’s your hurry! take your time, the more time spend building to orgasm the bigger the ‘O’ . Get a feel for the vibration all over your body and then slowly move to the more sensitive parts. You can slowly move the vibrator up your inner thigh, gently run it over the perineum, or in circles around your nipples. Imagine its your lover of your dreams, where would she use it? where would you like to be touched?

Don’t rush: Explore every inch.

The great thing about vibrators is that they never get tired, and they let you explore every inch of your body for sexual pleasure. You men are so penis-focused that it’s no wonder most men think that their penis is not only the best sexual part of their body, but the only area capable of giving you an orgasm.

»»In fact there are many parts of a man’s body that are capable of experiencing intense sexual pleasure. :MissBitch.

Using a vibrator is a great way to find them. Think of yourself as an explorer, and the vibrator is both your compass and your flashlight. Play with the speed of the vibrator.
Because men tend to use a lot of friction when they masturbate, stronger vibrators are often needed, particular around the genitals. But when exploring other parts of your body, always start on a low setting and work your way up. Particularly with anal vibrators, even a slight change in the speed of the vibrator can be felt, and playing with the speed settings can be highly pleasurable.

Play with pressure.

Experiment with applying different pressure with the vibrator. It might not feel good to press very hard around the scrotum, but if you put your vibrator on the perineum and apply deep pressure you are stimulating the prostate externally. Some men find that with a strong enough vibrator and enough pressure, using a vibrator on the head of the penis will give them an orgasm without ever moving the vibrator.
Experiment with everything from a feather light touch to a self-love smack down – find what works for you.

External vs. internal vibration.


Hard plastic and electric vibrators are the best for external stimulation as they are stronger and more comfortable to use externally. You can use these vibrators for external anal stimulation as well. If you want to explore anal penetration with a vibrator it’s recommended that you either get an anal attachment for your electric vibrator or buy a separate vibrator that is safe for anal use. You may find vibrators made of silicone or other softer materials are more comfortable for anal penetration. Always use a water based lubricant for any penetration play. Remember phthalates and are best used with a condom for personal safety.

Shame

Anal play is nothing to be ashamed of, although many, many people are. We started it in our earliest childhood. In fact it is generally acknowledged as the first sexually related exploration every baby does and even some fetuses do it prior to birth. Let’s face it, the odor of plain shit – but called “musk” – is used in almost every perfume and even more so in male cosmetics because it is generally known as sexually appealing. For you animal lovers out there: the scent is derived from the musk plant, not the deer. Any biologist will explain that in all mammals, the genitals and the anus were deliberately placed close together, simply because the smell of the one points the way to the other. So, if you like it, or feel attracted to it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Plus, the anus is an erogenous zone by itself, whether you like it or not. Stimulating it will cause sexual arousal Kinsey – the sexologist best know for his extensive research of the sexual behavior of both men and women – said it as follows:

»>“The contractions of the buttocks reflect, more than any one factor, the development of the tensions involved in erotic arousal.”: Kinsley

The buttock muscles are among the strongest in the human body and they come into play during almost any form of sexual intercourse and even masturbation – especially for women. Some women even masturbate just by contracting and relaxing muscles and these include the “back door”. In the event you thought anal sexual attraction is just for a few, Kinsey – in his extensive research – found that fifty (!) percent of both men and women had had some experience with anal stimulation or anal intercourse. More recent research in the USA shows that some ten percent of the heterosexual couples regularly have anal intercourse.
The anal and vaginal region and the penis share the same nerve roots and this is the physiological explanation for the sexual attraction of the anus. And – coming back to erotic power exchange – anal play and intercourse to many has strong connotations with terms of dominance and submission.

External anal stimulation.

The anus (the part on the outside that you can see and touch) is rich with nerve endings and usually responds extremely well to vibe stimulation. As mentioned above, start slowly and work from the inside out. See what the vibrator feels like on your lower back, your back side, and your inner thighs. Move slowly and gently to the anus and start by applying just a little pressure. You can roll the edge of the vibrator around the area and experiment with pressure and speed as you go. Once they get over the newness of the feeling many submissive men find this highly pleasurable.

Anal penetration with a vibrator.

Anal play requires patience, arousal, and a lot of lubricant.

Remember our Anal Mantra: Relaxation, lubrication, stimulation

male anal anatomy
MissBonnie and MissBitch


Start slow and get yourself fully aroused by using the vibrator externally first. Don’t force an anal toy inside your body. Instead, with the vibrator on, just leave the tip at the opening of the anus and let the toy slide in gently when your body is ready. Once inside you can move the vibrator around and also play with the speed of the vibrator. Tilting the vibrator toward your belly button will stimulate the prostate. You may have to add more lubricant depending on how long your play lasts.

What if I get a vibrator stuck in my anus?

People get vibrators stuck in their butts. It happens. To avoid it, never insert anything in your rear that doesn’t have a flange or wide flared base, or something at the end to keep it from going all the way up inside you.


If you do get a vibrator stuck in your rear, turn it off (if you can reach the controls). If the vibrator has an external battery pack, remove the batteries. Take deep breaths and try to relax your sphincter and abdominal muscles. Apply as much lube as possible to your rectum without pushing the vibrator further in. Bear down as you would during a bowel movement. If you can, stretch your rectum by inserting two or three fingers and spreading them. If the vibrator has wires attached from a battery or control pack, be careful when pulling on them, as they may detach. If you’re lucky, you may be able to get the tail end of the vibrator to clear your sphincter and ease it out of your rear. If this doesn’t work, don’t persist for too long, especially if you’re in pain. Swallow your pride and get yourself to an emergency room. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but it’s not the first time it’s happened, and it’s not the strangest thing anybody’s put up their butt by a long stretch. The ER doctors will probably use a speculum to dilate your butt, and then extract the vibrator manually. In extreme cases, abdominal surgery may be required.

So, we say again, only use vibrators anally if they are designed to be used anally. Please. Your neighborhood ER techs will thank you.

Using your vibrator with a partner.

You can use your vibrator with your partner in any number of ways. You can control the vibe and use it on yourself. You and your partner can use it on each other. vibe even have uses when doing cunnilingus on her. There are vibrators that fit over the penis for use during partner penetration play. You can also find a vibrator that fits well between you and your partner that neither of you need to control, but can add stimulation during sex. However you want to do it, it’s a good idea for each of you to follow the above steps first, and get fully comfortable on your own before making it a threesome.

Concerns: for use with partner Some couples have concerns about adding a vibrator to their sex lives. You may be afraid she will start to like it “more than me” and she may be concerned it will be impersonal and cold. These fears are normal, but unfounded. Talk about any such worries, and keep open communication about them as you explore.
A couple may be afraid that the vibrator will become the focus of most of their sex, and mean less intercourse. In reality a vibrator often means more sex. Most women find orgasm takes a certain amount of time and energy, even when they feel sexual desire. If a woman doesn’t feel she has the time and energy necessary to have an orgasm, she may shy away from sex, or choose to have sex “just for him.” Because a vibrator can make orgasm faster and easier (but not necessarily better) a woman may choose to have sex, or to have sex for both of them, when she would have said no before having a vibrator. The vibrator can be a back up – the woman is able to have sex because she knows her husband can use the vibrator if need be. Sometimes once she gets going she has no need or interest in the vibrator – but knowing it was there made it easier for her.

If vibrators were addictive, they could not be the starting place for learning to orgasm in other ways.
Finally, some folks are afraid that the woman will become “addicted” to the vibrator, and unable to orgasm without it. Despite years of warnings about this, it has not come to pass. Some couples have used a vibrator to give the wife her first ever orgasm, and then have used what they learned from that to give her orgasms in other ways. If it were addictive, it could not be the starting place for learning to orgasm in other ways. We have talked to couples who have used a vibrator for a decade or more, and several of the woman feel they are now more orgasmic without the vibrator than before they started to use it.

Using a vibrator on her:

If you are laying side by side with her (which will be emotionally preferable for some women, at least at first) place it between her labia, over or near the clitoris, with your hand cupped over the vibrator. Start with the speed low so as not to over stimulate her. You can gradually turn the speed up as she approaches orgasm – but be aware that turning it up too fast or too high may be a problem for her. Some women will want full speed well before orgasm, others may never want more than half speed. You can push your hand, and the vibrator, slightly into her and hold, or push and release repeatedly. You can also move your hand very slightly up and down (parallel to her labia), or left and right, or in a small circle. See what she reacts to. Be aware of her body movements, especially any thrusting or other movement of the pelvis. If she has a rhythm going, figure out how to work with it. The movements will likely intensify and speed up as she approaches orgasm, so stay very aware of her body.
You have to figure out what to do as and after she climaxes. Cut back stimulation too soon and you will rob her of the full potential of her orgasm. A small percentage of women get hypersensitive the way most men do – if she is one of these you will need to back off before or as she finishes. Back off by turning the speed down, then off, rather than breaking contact with her body. Be sure to lie still and hold her after she climaxes.


If she can have and wants multiple orgasms, you will need to learn how to make the transition from one to the next. Most likely she will want a reduction of stimulation as she finished each orgasm. If she has never had multiples, but wants to try, a vibrator is a great way to learn – let her guide you by telling you what she needs.

If she has never had multiples, but wants to try, a vibrator is a great way to learn.
You can also sit or lie between her legs to pleasure her. This gives you two hands to work with, better access … and a nice view. Some lubricant is good here, either hers or from a tube. Apply the lube to her clitoris and the surrounding area. Hold the vibrator between thumb and forefinger, or with thumb and two fingers like a fat pencil, so you can use the tip on her. Your other hand can be used to better expose her vulva, or later to add some penetration. The clitoris is very sensitive, so don’t start there – start with the outer edge of the outer labia and work in slowly. Again, you want to start with a low speed and increase as she becomes more aroused.

Each woman varies – some will be able to take or will want direct stimulation of the clitoris, others will not. MissBitch

The aroused vulva is like a full motion water bed, any vibrations applied to any part will be felt through out. Experiment with her outer labia, her inner labia, and the clitoris. Try up and down strokes and circles of varying size. Try moving down with a firm stroke and up with a light stroke, then try the reverse. If she is too sensitive to take direct stimulation of the clitoris you can do this to one side. Try an upside down “U” – up one side, over the top, and down the other side – then reverse. When she is well aroused, try adding some penetration. Most women have stronger orgasms if the PC muscles have something to “grab,” and for some women the difference is significant. Start with one finger, try two or three is she seems to enjoy it. You can try thrusting, but don’t get carried away, your fingers are a lot harder, and have less give, than your penis, and you can easily leave her sore. You can also put in one or two fingers palm up (or insert palm down and then turn your hand over) so that your finger tips are on her G-spot. A “come hither” motion will then stimulate the G-spot. If you do this before she is well aroused it will just cause her to feel a need to urinate – if you get her good and aroused and then start gradually you should be able to avoid this. Some women will go wild for this, some will not even feel it, and most will get a slight boost in enjoyment and orgasm out of it. Again, watch for her rhythm and work with it. Be aware of how she responds during climax, and reduce stimulation as needed. When she is done lay beside her and hug … or make love to her.

Tips:

Prostate massagers

Some vibrators are better suited for prostate than others. Some prefer the use of massager’s for Prostrate Milking. Vibrators that aren’t too big, and have a gentle curve tend to work well. Some men like the feeling of pressure alone on the prostate and will use a vibrator but keep it turned off. Others enjoy the feeling of vibration and pressure. Remember to use MissBonnie and MissBitch’s mantra lots of lubricant and only toys that are safe for anal penetration.

Be patient.

Many men are used to sex play that involves a lot of quick rubbing and stimulation. Vibrators give you the chance to try something completely different. We talked about slowing down, there is no rush. Even if you find the vibe doesn’t drive you to the heights of orgasm immediately, give it chance. all good things take time. Find a place on your body where the vibration feels good and leave the vibrator there for a minute or two. Apply pressure and let the vibrations go deeper into your body. You may be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Take your batteries out.

A good tip is Get in the habit of taking your batteries out of the vibrator each time your finished using it. If you leave the batteries in the vibe may turn on to a very low speed (or you may leave it on low without knowing it) and this can both burn out the motor and make for some embarrassing moments.

»>take it from an experienced user, vibes have the annoying habit of switching one when you least expect it. MissBonnie

Also, if you leave your vibrator alone for extended periods with the batteries in, they can corrode and leak into the battery case destroying your vibrator.

Anal vibrator safety.

Don’t share sex toys unless you use a condom every time. If you’re playing with a female partner never let a sex toy that has been in the rectum go in the vagina. Always use water based lubricant when using a vibrator for anal penetration. You can put some lube on the shaft of the vibrator and with your fingers put some lube on the outside and just inside the anus. Replenish the lubricant on the vibrator throughout the sex play.

How long will the batteries last in my vibrator?

Depending on the vibrator device and what kind of batteries you’re using, you could get anywhere from 50 hours of use to just 10 hours. Smaller devices with smaller motors drain less current. Larger vibrators or ones with multiple moving parts will drain batteries more quickly. If you have a high-drain vibrator that you use frequently, it might be worthwhile to invest in some rechargeable batteries.

»>They don’t hold a charge as long as disposable batteries, but you also won’t have to spend five bucks every time they’re used up. MissBonnie

You can extend the life of your vibrator’s batteries by removing them from the toy when it is not in use and storing them separately.

How long can a vibrator be used before throwing it away?

A vibrator’s durability depends on its quality, type, and what it’s made of. A vibrator’s lifespan can be anywhere from a few months to several years. In general, don’t keep an inexpensive plastic or rubber vibrator for more than 3 years. More expensive electrical vibrators can be used until they quit working.
If a vibrator is in good running condition and the material is durable, there’s no reason to discard it until it stops working. However, inexpensive vibrators have a limited lifespan due to the quality of the case and the components. In cheap vibrators, the wiring frays, the motors jam; in some cases the outside is actually the most durable part of the device. More than likely, your vibrator will give up the ghost before it becomes a hazard to anyone.
Nevertheless, at a certain point, you may want to retire your mechanical buddy either for safety or aesthetic reasons. Inexpensive vibrators, if they last that long, should not be used for more than a few years. Longer than that, and the casing material is going to be getting gummy and worn out if it’s made of rubber, jelly, or Cyberskin. Plastic vibrators can get brittle, and, especially if they have been knocked around a bit, they’re subject to cracking.


Higher-end electrical vibrators, like the Hitachi Magic Wand, can last several years depending on how much you use them. The only reason to discard an electrical vibrator is if the motor develops problems, i.e., if it starts overheating, sounding funny, or smelling odd. If you use rubber or silicone attachments with your electrical vibrator, you may want to replace them after a few years if you use them frequently or if they show signs of age.

How should I store my vibrators?

Keep it in a secure, dry location where it will not be moved around a lot. Under the bed in a shoe box is usually a safe bet. Take the batteries out when you store it.
You want to keep your toys clean and safe, so don’t just chuck your vibrator under the bed with the dust bunnies, where the dog might find it and mistake it for a chewy toy. Keep them in a closed container. A shoe box is fine. Wrap them in a clean t-shirt or pillow case. Put the box in a spot where it won’t be moved around a lot, under the bed, in a nightstand drawer or closet.
It’s always a good idea to take the batteries out of your vibrator when storing it for two reasons: it prolongs the life of the batteries, and it eliminates the risk that the vibrator may get accidentally switched on.

My vibrator isn’t giving me an orgasm any more. What’s wrong?

There could be a couple of reasons for this. The vibrator or the batteries in it may be wearing out, so it is less effective. Alternately, you may be getting “desensitized” to the sensation of that particular vibrator. Some people find they need to switch to a different vibrator at a certain point. Also, other psychological or physiological factors may be affecting your sexual responsiveness.


If you’re not responding to your vibrator anymore, first make sure that the vibrator is working correctly. Are the vibrations still as strong? If not, the motor may be wearing out, or the batteries may be wearing out. Test it out with some fresh batteries and see if that doesn’t put the buzz back in it. It may be time for a replacement.
If there’s nothing wrong with the vibrator, your sexual responsiveness may have changed. Some people report “vibrator burnout,” feeling like they become “immune” to their vibrators. Your body may simply become used to the sensations that your vibrator supplies, and they are no longer as stimulating, or you may just be bored with your vibrator. Try shopping for a new model, and find something that really excites you or provides a totally different form of stimulation. If you’ve been using a Hitachi Magic Wand, try getting a vibrating dildo or vice versa.

Try experimenting.

Some vibrator users also report a temporary decrease in sensitivity in their genitals after prolonged vibrator use. You may need to take a vacation from your vibrator and go back to manual stimulation for a while. After taking a break and coming back to it, your vibrator may seem fresh again.


Finally, there may be physical or psychological factors that are affecting your sexual response. Some medications, especially antidepressants, have sexual side effects that make it difficult to reach orgasm. Stress, depression, fatigue, and overworking can also make it hard to get turned on or to climax. If this is a persistent problem, talk to your doctor.


Resource Article : MissBonnie and MissBitch for The Beginner’s Guide to Vibrators © CollarNcuffs.com

Many, many thank yous to Cle-Andria for her help with images, allowing us to destroy her shop shelves in the name of kink, and her wealth of information.

Related Articles:
P spot Milking – Locating and Milking the male P spot (includes Video)
Figging – The art of Ginger root play
first anal toy – I want to buy my first toy, but what ?
Strap on Harness – How to use and find the perfect Harness/strapon.
lube – what lube for what occasion?
Anal beads – Ok, I have anal beads, what now, how do I use Anal beads?
Toys with cunnilingus the introduction of sex toys in cunnilingus

USA BDSM Munches

This is a work in progress..it might always be in progress! This is a listing of places, organizations, clubs, etc, all with useful information and where you can find and get involved with your local scene. Listings include both pansexual and exclusive groups.

Note–PLEASE do not send listings of professional dungeons, pro doms, or BDSM-related businesses.This page is simply a guide to where people can meet and get involved.

Helpful hint–I’ll list them if you send them, but Yahoo discussion groups, pages on Geocities, Angelfire, etc, have a brief life span due to the growing anti-adult censorship of those web communities. You’re better off having your page hosted by an adult friendly (or at least indifferent) provider.

Also, please do not send date-specific listings of anything that’ll expire–trying to keep this page a resource for ongoing groups/organizations.

NOTE:Lots of the sites listed on this resource have now closed due the closure of Geocities etc, we apologize for the inconvenience. We will work at rebuilding this listing in the future.

National: General Resources

  • Acme BDSM: no, not what Wile E Coyote did with the Roadrunner! This is a web resource and discussion page for the BDSM community.
  • Aggressive AIDS Prevention: nonprofit corporation dedicated to raising awareness of HIV/AIDS, encouraging HIV antibody testing, and promoting HIV Negative maintenance through Media.
  • The BDSM Events Page: lists time-sensitive information on events and a few international listings–very good resource
  • BDSM Partner Registry: An idea long overdue–an online gift registry for those of us in the lifestyle!
  • Black Beat Inc: an independent, non-profit, social organization founded by African American members of the D/s, BDSM and Leather community nationwide. Black BEAT strives to cultivate safe, sane, consenting adults (21 years and older) with alternative lifestyle and sexuality interests via culture, education, development, support, and event planning.
  • Bound: branches in Washington, DC as well as Baltimore MD, Tampa, FL, Richmond, VA, New Haven, CT. (NYC, Chicago, Philadelphia, San Francisco and Seattle by Oct 1998). *European* branches: Reykjavik, Iceland, Stockholm Sweden, and Prague CZ.
  • BDSM Events: mailing lists of local BDSM events, also has international listings
  • BDSM Travelers: BDSM Travelers is a directory of friendly, travel-loving people in the BDSM lifestyle who offer each other the gift of hospitality in their homes. Members from around the world offer their hospitality to other members at no charge. These hosts, in turn, are received when they travel.
  • BDSM Village: an online cyber ‘village’ & resource center, but supports RL events and workshops as well in various locations.
  • The Beacon E-Zine: Online bi-monthly newsletter and calendar of BDSM events for the SE US. Covers Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina and Tennessee.
  • Chamber Door; good article/educational resource Dom sub Lifestyle: online bi-monthly newsletter and international calendar of BDSM events, groups, and group listings.
  • DS Kiosk Power Exchange Resource Center
  • The Fetish Alliance: education & support resource
  • Immediate Family: an Alternative Lifestyle Safehouse/Rescue project with affiliate houses throughout the US, Canada and the UK.
  • International Deaf Leather; P.O. Box 30286, Columbus OH 43230.
  • The Fireside Society: network for women and couples into BDSM in NC, SC, VA, and GA
  • Kink Aware Professionals
  • The Kinky Lawyer: legal resource page, as it applies to us kinky folk.
  • Kinky Tax: A kink friendly tax lawyer to help with the non-consential sadism practiced by the IRS.
  • National Leather Association
  • International Association of Rubberists
  • The Kinky Links Directory: I don’t list ‘professional’ Dominants or Dungeons on this page, but this guide is an excellent resource to that part of the scene.
  • Lifestyle Choices Legal Resources Center: an organization to assist those who live an alternative BDSM lifestyle, whose lifestyle is being made an issue in a court of Law, on the job or at home.
  • Romantic Hotels: a directory of Romantic, Adult and Theme Room Hotels in the US and Canada for romantic getaway spots. Decent resource for kinky folks travelling, or for those who arent into the dungeon/play party scene but still want to do something a little different for a scene.
  • SM Sex–Safely: the STOP AIDS Project. Targets gay and bisexual men, but this BDSM resource has material that is appropriate for anyone involved in BDSM/kink practices.
  • Submissive Women Speak: Reality-based information and advice for submissive women and the people who love them.
  • Subs For Dommes: The largest BDSM community in the world exclusive to Female Dommes and male/female subs and slaves dedicated to Female Domination. The site is free to all lifestyle Dommes,subs,slaves, switches. It is unique in design and membership includes email, access to all chatrooms, blogs, forums, profiles and every part of the site. The site also offers flash chatrooms, 3D chatrooms and a virtual city.
  • Sweet Surrender: online adult BDSM education site

Alabama

  • AlabamaFemDom-Malesub; play parties, social gatherings, and demonstrations.
  • Bound for Pleasure; North Alabama PanSexual Group devoted to the education and support of the BDSM Lifestyle.
  • BirminghamBirmingham Leather/Fetish Society; A Pansexual lifestyle group promoting Leather solidarity and activism in Central Alabama and around the region.
  • The Red Chair; adult pan-sexual BDSM education, discussion and social group. Email rdchair@aol.comfor info.
  • HuntvilleNASSA; North Alabama Spanking and Social Alternatives, pansexual support, education, & munch group.
  • Alabama Daddies/Girls Club(1ADGC); Group dedicated to educating and learning everything that can be shared between consenting adults concerning the Daddy/littlegirl concept.
  • Binding Ties; personal ad/discussion group, also holds RL munches in the Huntsville, Decatur, & Madison areas.
  • NAPEX; North Alabama Power Exchange
  • MontgomeryCentral Alabama Power Exchange; pansexual, alternative lifestyle group with particular interests in B D S M and D/s and dedicated to Safe, Sane and Consensual aspects of the lifestyle.
  • PelhamSteel City Centurions; men’s group, email for info.
  • SylacaugaDARE; social group
  • TuscaloosaTuscaloosaALG; Alternative Lifestyles Group located in the Tuscaloosa area. Mainly a BDSM & D/s group, but all are welcome.

Alaska

Arizona

Arkansas

California

  • Calendar of BDSM California Events
  • Southern California Munch Group
  • The Gathering: Southern California socials
  • SOCalMunch; SoCalMUNCH covers the following areas: Palm Desert, Rancho Mirage, La Quinta, Indio, Coachella, Thermal, & the Westshores of the Salton Sea.
  • Northern California BDSM: social organization for individuals seeking a supportive environment for exploring alternative sexuality.
  • BakersfieldBakersfield BDSM Group Munch
  • Berkeley: Womanlink International; women’s group, 2124 Kittredge #257, Berkeley CA 94704.
  • Central CaliforniaChosen Lifestyle
  • Canoga Park: MP Bands; P.O. Box 2843, Canoga Park, CA 91306
  • ChicoChico BDSM Munch
  • El Cerrito: La Madrona; femdom couple’s group, P.O. Box 1335, El Cerrito CA 94530.
  • Fairfield: Munch, first Sunday of each month, email for info.
  • Los AngelesAvatar Club
  • C.C.Inc; BDSM socials, run by the same people behind Conquest and Fetish X. Also weekly BDSM membership only parties at Lair de Sade
  • Dualities; discussion and munch group for switches
  • Eagle LA; Formerly The Gauntlet II, the Eagle L.A. is Los Angeles’ hottest Levi/Leather bar. Always upholding the Leather/Uniform/Fetish ethic, with the hottest leathermen in town.
  • MAsT L.A; A support and discussion group for gay men interested in the Master/slave or Dominant/submissive relationship.
  • Lair de Sade; A private membership organization established for the pleasure and recreation of BDSM lifestylers. Over 6,700 square feet. multiple buildings, kitchen, 3 bathrooms and basement. 30+ playstations with exquisite BDSM furniture and equipment. Outside patio for socializing and smoking features cast iron patio heaters and a firepit.
  • LA Pups; social group for all human pups/dogs, Handlers/Trainers/Owners of human pups, or anyone that has an interest in human pups. The group is open to all genders and orientations.
  • Los Angeles boys of leather; a group of submissives who are in service to the local leather community. The term “leatherboy” can refer to people of any age, gender, appearance or sexual orientation who share a common dedication to service and devotion to the leather community.
  • Los Angeles Girls of Leather; LAgoL is a group focused on providing a welcoming space for leathergirls and to provide service to our local Leather/BDSM community. Leather girls are men and women who find joy in being of service to others. We are slaves, submissives, and bottoms with a feminine heart and include service people of all genders and sexual orientations.
  • LA Leather Coalition; A pansexual coalition of leather and fetish identified businesses and motorcycle, educational, social and uniform organizations. The LALC facilitates communication and mutual understanding among different segments of the leather/fetish-affiliated community, and promotes unity through cooperative endeavors that offer entertainment, education, social interaction, and community service.
  • Los Angeles Radical and Wicked Women; A women’s group devoted to the educational and social well-being of the women’s BDSM, leather, and fetish communities. LARAWW welcomes all women and transfolk, regardless of their sexual orientation or preference. We provide high quality educational programs and information, play parties and social gatherings.
  • NLA-Los Angeles; 7985 Santa Monica Blvd 109-217, West Hollywood CA 90046
  • PLAY; A social and educational group for leatherfolk interested in the integration of radical sexuality and spirituality; provides spiritual outreach to the leather/fetish community; fosters leather/fetish understanding within the larger spiritual community. PLAY is open to all adults without regard to gender, age, race, religious/spiritual affiliation or sexual orientation.
  • Trident International; 1064 Myra Avenue, #32, Los Angeles, CA 90026
  • The Threshold Society; non-profit social & educational organization
  • Lower LakeAlternative Lake County CA; online magazine. Also holds BDSM classes and workshops. Contact: jwolf@usa.com
  • Marina Del ReyThreshold; 2554 Lincoln Blvd PMB 1004, Marina Del Rey CA 90291 Phone: (818) 782-1160
  • Lake County Munch
  • Lompoc: Lompoc Valley Power Exchange; pansexual munch group, email LVPX-owner@yahoogroups.com for info.
  • MarysvilleMarysville Yubacity Munch group. Email: Sierraflowr@comcast.net
  • MilpitasMilPitas PlAyers
  • ModestoThe Modesto Discussion Group
  • MontereyMonterey Bay Kinksters; munches in Monterey & Moss Landing.
  • Stile di vita; Stile di vita (Italian for ‘lifestyle’) Supports the Male Dominant/female submissive community in California’s South Bay providing an intellectual approach to D/s and M/s lifestyles.
  • North Bay: Munch, third Sunday of each month, email for info.
  • Orange CountyUnder Ground Leather Association; private membership association, but holds discussion meetings open to the general public
  • Orange County Munch Group: Pansexual BDSM Group
  • Palo Alto/SunnyvaleThe Munch
  • PetalumaNorth Bay Third Sunday Munch
  • Redding: munch group for northern CA, meets the last Friday of each month. Email MDW@charter.net for details.
  • RiversidePaddlers of Southern California; PSC is a discussion list & munch group for adults in the Southern California area who are involved in the BDSM Lifestyle, and for those who would like to meet others in the BDSM Lifestyle, to share, socialize and interact in a safe, friendly and harmonious atmosphere and environment.
  • SacramentoEroticEdge: BDSM discussion group, especially for newcomers.
  • FemDommes of Sacramento; open to all submissives and Femdommes
  • Sacramento Valley Leathercorps; gay men’s and women’s group
  • “T”ransitions
  • San BernardinoPhoenix Alternative; pansexual BDSM education and social organization.
  • San DiegoClub X; P. O. Box 3092, San Diego, CA 92163 Phone: (619) 685-5149 Email: info@clubxsd.org
  • San Diego Social; meets and greets once a month.
  • San Fernando Valley Munch
  • San Francisco: Cogent Warriors; women’s group, 2261 Market #250, San Francisco, CA 94114
  • Constantines of the Bay Area; men’s group
  • Defenders San Francisco; Catholic leather society
  • El Cerrito Munch; 3rd monday’s, 7 pm at Carrow’s Restaurant, 6120 Potrero at San Pablo Ave
  • The Exiles; P.O. Box 31266, San Francisco CA 94131 Phone: (415)487-5170
  • Fifteen Association; men’s group, P.O. Box 421302, San Francisco, CA 94142
  • The Forum of San Francisco; coalition of motorcycle and leather clubs
  • Leathermen’s Discussion Group: located at EROS, 2051 Market St., near Church St., San Francisco
  • Links; 207 Gough Street, #58, San Francisco, CA 94102 Phone: (415) 695-7955 or (415) 703-7159
  • Mahogany Pleasures of Darkness; BDSM online discussion / munch group for People of Color and the people who like them
  • ; classes, discussion groups, and dungeon parties.
  • ; Lists upcoming events for the mens community along with other information, including an overview of the neighborhood for visitors.
  • San Francisco Girls of Leather; SFgoL provides a source of communication, information, growth and support for Leather girls; educates the community about leathergirls; supports activities within the leather community. Leathergirls are people with a girl’s heart, whose primary self-identity is girl. The girl identity is not limited by bio sex, gender, or sexual orientation.
  • Service of Mankind Church; P.O. Box 1335, El Cerrito, CA 94530 Phone: (510) 232-1369
  • The Stampede; The Bay Area Human Animal Roleplay Society
  • Power Exchange Sex Clubs
  • San Francisco Leather Online; listing of leather clubs and events
  • Society of Janus; P.O. Box 411523, San Francisco, CA 94141 Email: janus@soj.org
  • San JoseSanta Clara County Leather Association, email mssccla2000@leatherspace.com
  • Edges; play space, also hosts play parties
  • Leather WISDOM; women’s group, P.O. Box 2519, Santa Clara CA 95055.
  • SM Odyssey; Pansexual organization that holds educational classes every month, Includes the San Jose Munch, mens/women/pansexual discussion groups and Play Parties.
  • Southern Cross
  • Santa ClaritaSanta Clarita Munch
  • Santa CruzSanta Crux Munch
  • Studio CityShadow Lane
  • Vacaville/FairfieldDungeon and Dreams Vacaville/Fairfield Munch
  • VallejoThe Overlook; offers a monthly event as well as provides event listings in the Northern California area.

Colorado

Connecticut

Delaware

Florida

Georgia

Hawaii

Idaho

Illinois

  • Central Illinois: Leatherpalooza; BDSM education and events.
  • ChicagoChicago Leather Club; pansexual organization that provides a supportive, social, and educational environment for the Levi/leather, BDSM, and fetish communities.
  • Chicago Far North Shore Munch Group
  • Chicago Hellfire Club; men’s group, P.O. Box 5426, Chicago, IL 60680
  • Crimson Moon Ltd: spanking resource & party site
  • Dedicated and Safe: membership pansexual group, hosts seminars, parties
  • Galleria Domain; BDSM membership club
  • Leather Archives; “Our Mission: The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes.”
  • Leather United-Chicago; P.O. Box 81288, Chicago, IL 60681-1288 Phone: 773-486-5499 Email: LeatherUN@aol.com
  • Leather SINS Social Club; Leather SINS is Leather Social Interaction of the North Shore, a Chicago area Dinner Group which meets twice monthly as well as presenting other functions throughout the year.
  • BDSM Chicago; Features CRAM (Chicago rope and mummification group) and CHISM (Chicago BDSM community calendar).
  • LRA BDSM Leather Club; welcomes alternative lifestyles in Chicagoland and suburbs whatever your orientation: heterosexual bisexual homosexual or interest: Dominant submissive Master slave Top bottom spanking fetish.
  • Midwest Submissive Discussion Group
  • Submission Of Love; submissive’s support group
  • DecaturBCI Pearls of Wisdom; A pansexual discussion group for people 21 years and older to discuss the realtime lifestyle of D/s and b/d/s/m living in central illinois and the surrounding areas. Monthly Munches.
  • Moline-Rock IslandRiverbound–Quad Cities BDSM
  • RockfordREALM –Rockford and Extended Area Lifestyle Munch
  • SpringfieldL.I.N.K.S; Like-minded Individuals Networking for Knowledge and Satisfaction. We meet on the third Saturday of every month for a munch/social in a local restaurant. Members host their own private play parties and are by invitation only.

Indiana

  • Northern Indiana: Northern Indiana Power Exchange: lifestyle group based in Northern Indiana and welcomes others from areas near by including Ohio, Michigan amd Illinois.
  • Northern Indiana Kink
  • Club Fem Indy; a N/P social organization composed of individuals who want to develop sincere Female dominant/male submissive relationships.
  • BloomingtonHeadspace; pansexual group, serving IU students and the rest of the community
  • EvansvilleEvansville Munch Bunch
  • Common Grounds; pansexual social & educational group
  • Fort WayneFort Wayne Munch; bi-monthly munches, monthly play parties, and feature a submissive’s group that meets monthly, and a Dominant’s group that hasn’t begun to have meetings yet.
  • NEILA; North East Indiana Leather Association
  • Summit City Munch
  • Indianapolis:
  • Andromeda; social and educational group for lesbians, butches/femmes, gender queers, bisexuals, and transsexual/transgender persons* in the Central Indiana area who are interested in kink, B/D, D/S, S/M, etc.
  • IMAS (Indiana Masters and slaves/submissives/switches) ; munch group
  • NLA Indianapolis: 1310 Oakland Ave., Indianapolis IN 46201
  • The Indy Slosh; informal BDSM group
  • NLA Indianapolis
  • Sweet Misery, P O Box 11690, Indianapolis, IN 46201-0690
  • LafayetteLafayette Munch
  • MuncieClub DOMINION; pansexual fetish nightclub/dungeon (this club seems to be in limbo right now)
  • MerrillvilleHood and Leash of Indiana; group of Gor and D/s Lifestyle friendly people who like to gather and learn from each other. Bi-monthly meetings.
  • South BendALM; Alternative Lifestyles of Michiana

Iowa

Kansas

Kentucky

Louisiana

  • Alexandria: Central Louisiana BDSM mailing list, send email to CenLaBDSM@egroups.com.
  • Baton RougeRed Stick Volunteer Players
  • LafayetteAcadiana Power Exchange
  • Lake CharlesBDSM_Lake_Charles; BDSM support and social group
  • New OrleansClub Fem NOLA; Femdom – malesub group
  • NOBLE; non-profit pansexual support, play and social group
  • Society les Femdommes; FemDomme group based in southeast Louisiana serving Female Dominants, male submissives and female submissives.
  • ShreveportS_portdungeon; education & support group serving the Shreveport region and all of Northern Louisiana.
  • Delightful Dungeon; Pansexual D/s, BD S&M group in the Shreveport-Bossier City area.
  • Different Delights; pansexual 21& over support, education, and social group. Holds monthly munches, educational meetings, and coffee get togethers 3 times a month.
  • SWORD; Shreveport Women Of Regal Dominance, a fem Domme group and their subs, educating and supporting those in the Fem Dom lifestyle

Maine

Maryland

Massachusetts

  • Alston: The K.M. Society; P.O. Box 66, Alston MA 02134.
  • Boston: Boston Burgermunch; email for info.
  • New England Dungeon Society
  • Common Bond; women’s group, P.O. Box 390313, Boston MA 02139.
  • Bound For Pleasure; a New England BDSM social group that firmly believes in Safe, Sane and Consensual activities that will reflect on the B/D, D/S, S/M, Fetish and Alternative Lifestyle Communities in a healthy and positive light.
  • Defenders Boston: Catholic leather society, 55 E. Springfield St., Boston, MA 02118
  • New England NLA
  • One Nation Underground: information/ power exchange group for the BDSM/leather lifestyles
  • Boston-The Next Generation of Kinksters; pansexual BDSM group for motivated kinky individuals age 18-35 that is dedicated to education, outreach, and an enriching social environment within the leather community.
  • BraintreeSouthShore Munch; egroups list. Holds a munch 1st and 3rd Sundays of the month.
  • CambridgeMOB New England; Women’s play and social group.
  • Charlestown: Boston United Leather Legion; A gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender group, P.O. Box 287, Charlestown MA 02129.
  • Hadley: Bound and Determined, women’s group, P.O. Box 602, Hadley MA 01035.
  • Medford: Urania; women’s group, P.O. Box 501, Medford MA 02155.
  • Northampton: East Coast FTM Group; P.O. Box 60585, Florence Station, Northampton, MA 01060
  • Links: pansexual group, meets monthly at Intimicies in downtown Northampton.
  • Northampton Alt; adult social group
  • North DartmouthFLAG (Fits Like A Glove); glove fetish organization, predominantly gay male, but it is not limited to men or gay.
  • Shelix; women’s group, P.O. Box 416, Northampton, MA 01060-0416
  • Randolph: The Esoterica Society; P.O. Box 37, Randolph, MA 02368
  • Saugus: munch, contact Darkskyfire@aol.com for info
  • SpringfieldThe Western Massachusetts Power Exchange
  • WMPE-The Next Generation; for lifestylers 18-35.
  • WMPE Submissive Discussions; submissive only support group
  • Taunton: munch, held the 1st and 3rd Thursdays of the month. Email Swtchr2@aol.com for info.
  • WalthamNortheast Spanking Society; couples only group
  • WorcesterWorcester Women’s Munch

Michigan

Minnesota

Mississippi

Missouri

Montana

Nebraska

Nevada

  • Las VegasDelicious Decadence; egroup that aims to enlighten and introduce interested & curious people from all walks of life into the enticing world of Ds.
  • CHIX; Women’s BDSM egroup, created to unite, connect and address the lifestyle issues, concerns and direction of all women – whatever vocation, sexual preference, orientation, size or inclination.
  • Dungeon Kink: A private Las Vegas play party group for SSC adults into D/s, BDSM.
  • Las Vegas BDSM Lifestyle Group: A BDSM Lifestyle Group that values Protocol and Ritual, for the Lifestyler in Las Vegas and surroundings, Singles and Couples alike, who are involved in the BDSM Lifestyle, and for those who would like to meet others in the BDSM Lifestyle, to share, socialize and interact in a safe, friendly and harmonious atmosphere and environment.
  • Leather Uniform Club of Las Vegas; pansexual leather group dedicated to Education, Socializing, and Community Service.
  • Pau’Hana – The Club in the Lava Lounge; has a weekly fetish night, located at Hawaiian Marketplace, 3743 S. Las Vegas Blvd, Las Vegas, NV 89109
  • Polished Collar Society; private association of like-minded individuals sharing in the experience of learning and practicing the ritualistic aspects of BDSM.
  • Twisted Vanilla; real-life/time BDSM-D/s lifestyle group based in Southern Nevada (Las Vegas/Pahrump), offering support and social activities for those interested in BDSM and D/s lifestyles, and especially those interested protocols, respects and servitudes under the practices of “Old World” Mistresses and Masters. Parties, munches and slave training available to those who are honorable and discrete.
  • Shibari
  • Sin City DS Network: egroup for all Las Vegas area individuals at least 21 years of age interested in Dominance and submission, and BD/SM activities for the purpose of meeting and maintaining contact.
  • RenoNorthern Nevada Free Lifestyles; adult munch and social group.

New Hampshire

New Jersey

New Mexico

New York

North Carolina

  • Northeastern NCASKNENC; lifestyle munch group for Northeast NC, as well as Southeast Virginia
  • AshevilleThe Asheville Area Group; pansexual social group. Address: TAAG, PO Box 2372, Leicester, NC 28748.
  • CharlotteCharlotte Area Power Exchange; a not-for-profit pansexual organization in the south central Piedmont area of North Carolina for people who share an interest in BDSM.
  • Black Garden; pansexual BDSM group w/ weekly get togethers. bi monthly rope suspension ‘shows’, regular club nights, irregular private play parties, see link and calendar for details
  • Purgatory; bi-monthly fetish party, with rotating themes
  • Tradesmen, Inc; men’s group, P.O. Box 36712, Charlotte NC 28204.
  • Tradesman, Inc; P.O. Box 36712, Charlotte, NC 28204
  • Raleigh-DurhamSafe, Sane, Consensual Network (SSCN); SSCN is a not-for-profit BDSM organization dedicated to providing education, support, and a social network for its contributors in a safe, responsible, and discretion-conscious environment.
  • WilmingtonDomme Beach; femdom (and admirers!) social group.
  • WHIP
  • WINK: private alternative lifestyle group in southeastern North Carolina for Adults who practice SSC bdsm; for discussion, education, support and socializing.

North Dakota

Ohio

Oklahoma

Oregon

Pennsylvania

Rhode Island

  • Providence: Aces; P.O. Box 261, Annex Station, Providence RI 02901.
  • Hathor’s Garden; weekly club fetish night
  • RI Enforcers: leather group for gay men, bi people, TGs and lesbians, dedicated to being a brotherhood/sisterhood in leather and raising funds for local AIDS charities.

South Carolina

South Dakota

Tennessee

Texas

Utah

  • Salt Lake City:
  • The Path; friendly pansexual group that delivers organised “how to” BDSM lectures and classes
  • Utah Power Exchange (UPEX); pansexual r/t group
  • Wasatch Leathermen; men’s group, P.O. Box 1311, Salt Lake City, UT 84110

Vermont

  • Brattleboro/Keene NHDarkstoneds; pansexual BDSM group, monthly munches and socials.
  • Rose & Thorn Northern Vermont BDSM Parties; This is a friendly gathering of people who are active in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle. This is an opportunity to meet friends (and singles) who are on the same page. This is NOT a “play” party but an opportunity to build a community of like-minded people.
  • Vermont Society of Kink; holds a Soiree the First Friday of each month as well as a popular online discussion group.

Virginia

Washington

Washington D.C.

  • Black Rose; PO Box 11161, Arlington, VA 22210-1161. Phone: (202) 686-5880
  • Bound: fetish, Goth, Industrial club, light BDSM play and lots of fetish gear and vendors. Locations in DC and Baltimore, home base is in DC.
  • Club Salo: fetish event for gays and lesbians (and those that like to play with them!)
  • The Crucible: BDSM nightclub, email or call 202-310-2100
  • DC Spanking; pansexual email list
  • Defenders; Catholic Leather Group, P O Box 33098, Washington, DC 20033
  • First of the Month Munch; email for info.
  • The Men of Discipline; PO Box 21090, Washington, DC 20009
  • PEP-Washington DC; P.O. Box 1160, Arlington VA 22210
  • The Power Exchange
  • The Resource Pool; education and discussion group for the DC, VA, and MD area. Also holds workshops.
  • SIGMA; men’s leather/bdsm/bondage social group, call (202)728-7589 for the Hotline, or email Sigmadc@aol.com for more info.

West Virginia

  • West Virginia Femdom: NEW, so new that you can still smell the paint, Femdom-oriented support group just trying to get off the ground.
  • BeckleySMACK; for individuals in the Beckley, WV and surrounding areas who have a sincere interest in BD, D/s, and/or M/s relationships.
  • Clarksburgh/BridgeportWELTS; pansexual munch & support group
  • GlengaryWHIP; educational and social pansexual leather group
  • Tri State Area Power Exchange(TAPE): new munch for the WV/KY/OH area
  • WeirtonTri State Munch; pansexual support & social group
  • Wheeling: WV Meet and greet, email bbw4urcmnd@aol.com for info.

Wisconsin

Wyoming

Lots of the sites listed on this resource have now closed due the closure of geosites and yahoo free pages we apologize for the inconvenience we will work at rebuilding this listing in the future.

Myths

MYTH: BDSM is abuse.

FACT:  BDSM is not abuse. The participants in BDSM are loving, caring, communicative, consensual adult partners that know the risks of what they do and the pleasures they can receive from doing them.  The actions used in consensual BDSM are negotiated, involve the communication of limits and boundaries that are not to be crossed and instill the use of a safeword that stops all action as soon as it is spoken. Everything is fully agreed upon by all parties involved.
Abuse is a pattern of controlling and manipulating the actions, thoughts and life of another person without their consent. The tactics of control (physical abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, economic abuse, and/or sexual abuse) used by batterers are not used in the context of a consensual, negotiated BDSM relationship and cannot be stopped with a safeword.
BDSM is Safe, Sane and CONSENSUAL…..Abuse is NEVER consensual.

MYTH: BDSM is all about pain

FACT: The assumption that it is all about pain is because that is the most prominent and the most conflicted with mainstream thought. Pain isn’t enjoyable to all people and you don’t have to enjoy pain to be into BDSM. Maybe you only like bondage, or maybe it’s the power exchange that you are really drawn to. Either way it doesn’t have to involve pain at all. For those that it does involve pain, they also enjoy other aspects of the BDSM lifestyle.
People are wired differently. Studies have shown that sexual arousal stimulates endorphin production (naturally occurring hormone that masks pain and produces feelings of euphoria). That production can also be stimulated by BDSM. This gives rise to the concept of pleasure/pain. Some submissives get enjoyment in the thought that they are accepting pain for their Dominant. Others simply enjoy the heavy sensations. They can often go quite a long time and can achieve an endorphin high that is remarkably similar to orgasm.  Almost all of BDSM play is not about the pain, but the excitement that comes from the sensation of the pain and mentally pushing past those barriers to reach that state of total bliss.
BDSM is about enjoyment, stimulation, pleasure, and most of all, trust.  It is about eliciting emotions through activities that may appear harmful but are actually carefully orchestrated.  BDSM is never done with the intent to harm or endanger and never done in anger or times of stress.
While some players seek pain in a manner that is pleasurable to them, many other players seek sensations and stimulation through a variety of other forms of BDSM. The range of actions in BDSM is quite broad and most participants do not enjoy all of the activities or roles. In fact, many BDSM practitioners prefer cross-dressing, bondage, mild spankings and control, known as Dominance and submission. For many it is being able to give up control and be under the will of another that gives them the most pleasure.

MYTH:People in BDSM are into pain and like to hurt each other.

FACT: BDSM activities are regulated between partners by means of intense negotiation, the setting of limits and activities partners will not engage in and the use of safewords.
Part of the allure of BDSM is the appearance of danger. Partners may be bound, harsh looking implements are utilized and emotions may run high.  However, BDSM practices are performed in such a way that the element of danger, while still present in appearance, is practically eliminated.  Partners – even casual partners – have respect and care for each other, and work together to avoid physical and emotional trauma.
While the use of a BDSM ‘toy’ or ‘implement’ may look painful, pain is perceived differently from person to person. A light flogging may be too intense for one person, while a heavy flogging may be perfect for someone else.  Some people who practice BDSM are truly into pain, but the majority of practitioners utilize increasing doses of strong physical sensation through BDSM activities to accomplish a higher goal – the production of those endorphins within the body!  The intensity of the sensations are carefully controlled by communication between partners in order to assure the submissive partner’s comfort and to prevent the experience of unwanted pain.

MYTH: People who engage in BDSM were all abused as children.

FACT:  While this seems to be an assumption made mostly by psychologists or counselors, there is no documented proof that BDSM activities, or the desire to engage in them, come from childhood abuse or trauma.  Like all communities, there is usually a small percentage of individuals for whom this may be true, but for the majority, it is not, and sweeping generalizations tend to further stigmatize our diverse needs.
While some people who practice BDSM may be survivors of childhood abuse there are many more that have never experienced abuse in childhood or in adulthood. There is no cause and effect relationship between childhood abuse and becoming a BDSM practitioner.

MYTH: Only gay men practice anal sex.

FACT: A person’s interest in anal play has nothing to do with attraction to the same sex. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation or gender identity, and every thing to with enjoyment of the sensations created. People in the BDSM lifestyle can be Gay, Straight, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender, just as Vanilla people can be any of those as well. Both men and women engage in anal play in the BDSM Femdom lifestyle. Just as sexual orientation is who you are, the desire to engage in anal play is also who you are and what you need to be. Partnerships range from Male Dom/male sub to Male Dom/female sub to Female Domme/male sub to Female Domme/female sub.

MYTH: The Dominant partner is a control freak.

FACT: People who take on a Dominant role in BDSM / Femdom like to engage in CONSENSUAL control of a partner for the partner’s pleasure.  Dominants negotiate with their partners and then engage in the type of ‘control’ their partner desires.Don’t confuse Dominant with domineering. A domineering person is somebody overbearing who likes to control others all the time, whether the other person likes it or not.In BDSM, the submissive willingly gives up the control to the Dominant, who takes that control, combines it with his own energy and redirects it back to the sub. Each gives up something to the other so that, together, they can achieve the pleasures they are both looking for.  

MYTH: I am a Mistress, so everyone must respect me.

FACT: Says who? Anybody can give themselves a title. It’s what we do and how we handle ourselves that defines us. This is not about giving yourself a title, it’s about the attitude behind the title. Which would mean more?… someone calling you Master / Mistress because you ordered them to; or calling you Master / Mistress because they respect you for your love, honor, compassion and integrity? 
Ultimately submissives have the final say. They can submit or not, they can give respect or refuse you.  No one deserves a rank or title just because they hold the Dominant role or because they say so. Respect is earned, not assumed. A Mistress who has to demand respect, has not earned it and is therefore not truly deserving of it.

MYTH:The submissive partner is weak.

FACT: Not by a long shot! The majority of submissives involved in BDSM /Femdom are strong, self-sufficient individuals, who have intense and high-powered occupations. They feel the need to practice the submissive role because it is a means of escape for them from having to make decisions. It is very common to find lawyers, doctors, CEO’s and politicians who practice the submissive role. They know what they want and participate of their own free will. There are a lot more submissives on the scene than Dominants.
This is probably one of the biggest myths about the BDSM/Femdom lifestyle. The vanilla society perceives submission to be a weakness because they do not understand the dynamics of submission. The opposite is what is true.  It takes a very strong person to trust completely in another person to the point of turning control of their body, mind, heart and life over to them. In fact, being a submissive and being able to trust someone like this, makes them even stronger and more confident. It is indeed one of the strongest things a person can do.
Men who are submissives, are especially some of the strongest and most confident in the lifestyle. They are able to come to a Dominant and fully submit when the world around them tells them they should be in control. They are able to take down the walls that they put up for the outside world and become who they truly wish and need to be.

MYTH: All submissives are expected to act a certain way.

FACT: Why? If everyone was the same, this would be a very boring world indeed.  The best way to act for all participants, whether Dominant or submissive, is to be yourself. Submissives don’t all come prepackaged from a BDSM/ Femdom training camp!
Submissives in a relationship would be expected to act how their Master has trained them to act. This varies from couple to couple. To each their own, there is no right or wrong. Unattached submissives should be polite and courteous, as this will go a long way towards finding a Dominant and getting that play date.
At private clubs, submissives are expected to act a certain way, as are Dominants, but everyone should know that going in. Some clubs can be pretty formal, but most tend to be more laid back. As long as the club rules and safe-sane-consensual are followed at all times, everyone is allowed to do their thing. Some couples are very formal, while others prefer to be more relaxed. Neither is necessarily right, just different. Private club rules have to be followed, but they would never try to squash a person’s individuality.

MYTH: BDSM is all about sex.

FACT: BDSM can be intensely sensual, but it doesn’t have to be intensely sexual. To say that sex never occurs in BDSM is a lie. It’s just that it doesn’t have to. BDSM play is sexual for some but this is not true for everyone. There are some who practice BDSM who do not experience any sexual arousal. Many people have wonderful, high as a kite experiences without any sexual contact at all. They find that endorphin high through the broad variety of BDSM activities.
Being in the scene also doesn’t mean you are automatically going to get laid. Using a position in the scene to coerce sex, non consensually, is NOT what BDSM is all about.

MYTH: People who engage in BDSM Femdom are all promiscuous.

FACT: Just like in all communities, there are some members of the BDSM Femdom community who are a bit freer with their bodies and will engage in any type of activity with just about anyone, but the majority of people within the BDSM community, especially those who are married or in long term relationships, are monogamous in one way or another.
Some partners are completely monogamous – they do not play or have sex with any other people in any way whatsoever. Other partners will engage in physical play, like flogging, spanking, or teasing with others, but will not engage in any type of sexual activities with them.  And others will engage in physical play and some sexual activities, but not anal or vaginal penetrative sexual activities.

MYTH: BDSMers are all people who live on the fringes of society.

FACT:  It is believed that because BDSM isn’t widely accepted that the only people who participate are lower class, criminal types, secretive people and others that aren’t accepted in mainstream openly. This is simply not true. The need to be involved in BDSM is in your blood, it is the way a person is wired. There are very prominent people into BDSM, from all walks of life, all over the world.
No one is excluded. BDSM practitioners are lawyers, doctors, politicians, teachers and businessmen.  We are students, housewives, waiters, members of the PTA and that nice teller at the bank.  We go to church, spend holidays with our families and laugh at silly comedies. We have probably treated you at your local hospital, waited on you at the grocery store and walked past you on the street. We are just like everyone else.

This myth is prevalent because so many people have to keep their sexuality a secret because of the negative repercussions of society. Discrimination is still strong when it comes to BDSM, mostly because people don’t understand it and don’t want to understand it. It is not abuse, it is not violence. So many states still rule BDSM and Femdom behavior as assault and that pushes people even further into secrecy.
It’s who we are, not where we came from or what we do that should matter in our lives. But sadly, ignorance towards BDSM/Femdom runs rampant in this world.

Resource Article : MissBonnie

New Report

Close