Multi Orgasmic

What does it mean to have “great sex”? Ask a thousand people, and you’ll get a thousand answers. Sex is a complex mix of the physical, the mental and the spiritual, and for each man and woman, the optimal balance is different. For some, brain stimulation- romance, mystery, love, even danger-dominates the sexual encounter; for others, the greatness is all in the technique, the sensations. Sorry, but we’re not going to focus deeply on those things. Instead, we’re going to take one step back. Our perspective is that no matter how you define great sex, you won’t be able to achieve it without plenty of stamina, energy and ejaculatory control. These we can teach you. Any man can become “multi-orgasmic”. It only requires a basic understanding of male sexuality and certain techniques. Most men’s sexuality is focused on the goal of ejaculating, rather than on the actual process of lovemaking and pleasing his Mistress. Once a man becomes multi-orgasmic he will not only be able to better satisfy himself, but also more effectively satisfy his partner/Mistress.

Technically, multiple orgasms occur in succession, without complete loss of sexual arousal in between. Women are blessed with the ability to have multiple orgasms. Not many are aware that men with proper training they can actually do the same. In the case of women, multiple orgasm means resuming sexual stimulation shortly after a first orgasmic climax, usually immediately or within a few minutes, so that a second climax may be reached. If the woman does indeed experience further climaxes during the same sexual encounter, she is said to be multi-orgasmic.

Most men mistakenly believe that being able to regain their erection as soon as possible after ejaculation and reaching another climax within some arbitrary period of time qualifies as being multi-orgasmic. This is false because the true multi-orgasmic male does not lose his erection between orgasms. Multiple male orgasms include only orgasm and not ejaculation. The only exception being, when ejaculation accompanies the final orgasm in a multi-orgasmic experience. Of course, here pubococcygeal muscle is meant. With help of this muscle dogs and cats can move their tails whereas humans can use it only for sex. “You need a lot of different events to occur in the body for ejaculation to happen. “There’s muscle contraction, there’s breathing, there’s pressure you bring to bear on the penis. To a large degree, there are techniques any man can learn so that he can delay his orgasm and enjoy sex for longer periods of time.

Before continuing it would be important to better understand the technical process involved in the “Sexual Arousal Cycle”

1. Excitement Phase

  • Vasocongestion (excessive filling of the blood vessels of a tissue or organ)
  • Erection
  • Increased heart rate
  • Partial testicular elevation and size increase (Tumescence)
  • Nipple erection

2. Plateau Phase

  • Further increase in penis tip size and testicles
  • Full testicular elevation
  • Purple hue on corona (although not always)
  • Cowper’s gland (pre-cum) secretions
  • Hyperventilation

3. Orgasm Phase (Consists of Emission & Ejaculation)

  • Emission
  • Sperm and fluid are expelled from the vas deferens, seminal vesicles and prostate gland, causing seminal fluid to collect at the base of the urethral bulb near the prostate.
  • Myotonia – (muscular rigidity just before the release tension)
  • Blood pressure and respiratory rate increase further.
  • Ejaculatory Inevitability (point of no return) there is a consciousness of imminent ejaculation.
  • Ejaculation
  • Bladder sphincter closes tightly
  • Rhythmic contractions of the prostate, perineal muscles and penile shaft propel semen outward.
  • A slight clouding of consciousness

4. Resolution Phase

  • Erection loss
  • Testes descend and scrotum thins
  • Reversal in Myotonia and Vasocongestion
  • Reduced heart rate and lowered blood pressure.

How are multiple orgasms possible?

The male and female sexual “response cycles” are strikingly similar. The primary difference between the two is male ejaculation. Multi-orgasmic women are able to have successive orgasms if stimulation is resumed shortly after the first orgasm because they do not ejaculate (not withstanding reports that some women are able to ejaculate (as this has never been adequately scientifically explained).

Ejaculation initiates the refractory period in males. During this time, most men are unable to achieve another erection or even receive further stimulation due to the loss of sexual tension and the penis is usually too sensitive to touch. Since women are not biologically programmed to ejaculate, they do not have this annoying feature and are able to learn about and achieve multiple orgasms much easier than men.

The first key to understanding how men can have multiple orgasms is to understand that orgasm and ejaculation are distinct events, which one can learn to distinguish and separate. Most men have always accepted orgasm and ejaculation as one in the same because they happen in such rapid succession, orgasm beginning slightly before (ejaculation) then tapering off during ejaculation.

The second key to navigating the path to multiple orgasm is gaining the ability to separate orgasm and ejaculation.

The ability to separate these events involves the pubococcygeal muscle, or pelvic floor muscle, or “PC muscle” as it’s more commonly known. You may know this muscle for its ability to stop the flow of urine in mid-stream. If stopping the flow is difficult, you have a weak PC muscle. If this is the case you will need to work on strengthening the PC muscle before you’ll be able to have multiple orgasms. If you squeeze or contract the PC muscle you should feel like everything deep in your pelvis is being drawn upward.

Here are the signs that you need to know if you need to make your pubococcygeal (pc) muscle stronger.

  • A. If stopping the flow of your urine is difficult, then you have a weak pc muscle.
  • B. If you have poor posture, then you may have a weak pc muscle.
  • C. You can not have intercourse longer than 3 minutes before ejaculating.
  • D. Urine leakage when you sneeze or cough.

First off we will start with breathing

Breathing Exercises:

Sit in a comfortable position relaxing the shoulders. Place hands on the abdomen, just below the belly button. Inhale deeply. Breathing deeply through the nose, so that the belly pushes out. Exhale fully. Exhale to a point to a point of which the belly contracts back to the spine. The pelvis and testicles may feel as if they are pulling up slightly. Repeat this exercise from 9 to 36 times.

Squeeze and pull down:

The next exercise. Masturbate until you feel you are about to cum. At this moment you should stop, have a rest for 30 seconds. After than you should continue masturbating. Other variant is this: as soon as you feel you are reaching orgasm, squeeze the head of the penis or pull down the scrotum. Thus you will learn to have so called “dry orgasms”, i.e. orgasms without ejaculation. Truly speaking “dry” orgasms are not as strong as “wet”, but they do have advantages. First of all you do not lose erection and you can continue performing intercourse for as long time as needed. Secondly, the final, “wet” will be fantastic! You’ll be astonished by orgasmic sensations!

Preparing yourself:

Having multiple orgasms as a male is pretty remarkable, but it will take a great deal of preparation. As mentioned earlier, one of the first steps is to discover the PC muscle. It’s essential to become intimately familiar with this muscle in order to learn to control it very precisely. Some of this control will come with experience, but most will come by strengthening it through regular exercise. Once it’s been discovered where it is (most easily while urinating), it can be exercised anywhere, without anyone knowing. “Masturbation can help you to learn what your limits are. You can determine what feels good and what feels too good, to the point of losing control,” Masturbation also helps you control ejaculation another way. If you masturbate within a few hours of when you think you’re going to have sex, you’ll take the edge off your anticipation and be able to go longer. Practicing: You can begin experimenting on your own at first (while masturbating).

Master your feelings:

One of the best ways to practice ejaculatory control is by yourself. Make yourself comfortable and then begin masturbating as you might normally. Stop just before you reach the point of no return (the point where you would ejaculate). Contract (squeeze) and hold your PC muscle for a count of ten. Allow yourself relax and take a few minutes break. Begin masturbating again, this time bringing yourself just a bit closer to the point of no return, again contracting your PC muscle. Continue masturbating while paying very special attention to your own state of arousal and emotional feelings. The key here is to learn more about your own sexual response so that down the road you’ll be more in control of it.

Stopping “right” before ejaculation

Continue masturbating, except this time; keep going until you reach orgasm. Right as you orgasm you should notice several contractions that signal the beginning of ejaculation in the base of your penis and perhaps even deeper inside your pelvis. As these contractions begin or preferably just before (but still during the orgasm), stop all stimulation to the penis and squeeze the PC muscle tight. You’ll probably feel yourself trying to ejaculate, but hold it back! Squeezing your PC muscle effectively shuts off your ejaculation, if you are successful, and erases the refractory period.

A small amount semen may seep out, but not with any of the force you might normally experience during an unrestrained singular orgasm. If you were able to hold off ejaculating after your orgasm, start masturbating again now. It should feel as though you are still very aroused, not like you just ejaculated. You should be able to continue for a short time until you have another orgasm. If you were unable to keep from ejaculating the first time, either your PC muscle isn’t strong enough yet or you squeezed it at the wrong time. If you begin squeezing too late after the ejaculatory contractions have already begun, it is nearly impossible to shut stop the process completely. With practice you will learn the timing.

Partnering:

There are many possible techniques you can use to greatly increase your success in becoming multi-orgasmic. Perhaps the greatest technique you can practice is to share your experiences in becoming a multi-orgasmic man with your romantic partner. If you are eventually successful, this can be a wonderful opportunity for you to significantly increase the pleasure you both receive during lovemaking.

Don’t desensitize:

Most guys try to hold off as long as they can by focusing on something other than sex-usually something mundane such as baseball stats or going down the list of chores you have to do around the house. This is the wrong way to go about it. “You might think you’re avoiding ejaculating, but what you’re really doing is cheating yourself out of the pleasure of sex. Don’t distract yourself. Concentrate on the feeling of your partner’s body against your body,” At first, this may make ejaculatory control a bit iffy. “But ultimately, you’ll find it makes your control stronger. You’ll get better with practice

Be a lord of the rings:

If you and your partner are not opposed to the idea of sex toys and other equipment, consider investing eight or ten dollars in a penis ring or some times called cockrings , a constrictive device that you slide or snap over the base of the penis. Similar devices are available from medical supply houses but should only be used under the direction of your physician, according to Dr. Whitehead who I contacted from the erection clinic. The ring traps blood in the penis and helps you maintain hard erections for longer periods of time. They also have the side benefit of blocking ejaculation, he adds. Two caveats: Don’t wear it for longer than 20 to 30 minutes at a time-cutting off blood flow to the penis for too long can cause tissue damage. Also, you may find that ejaculating while wearing the ring may cause a retrograde ejaculation: Semen can’t travel via its normal route, so it backwashes into the bladder. It’s not harmful, but you might find it uncomfortable.

Overcoming problems:

Undoubtedly the biggest obstacle most men will report when trying to become multi-orgasmic is failure to squeeze their PC muscle sufficiently during orgasm to ward off ejaculation. You may feel some contractions, but do not stop squeezing at this point because a few ejaculatory contractions are likely even if you are successful in eventually stopping them. If you are successful, the contractions will stop before you ejaculate and you should be able to resume stimulation without a loss of sensitivity, as would be present during the refractory period after ejaculation.

Another common problem many men may report with these techniques is failing to determine exactly where the boundaries of plateau, orgasm, and ejaculation begin and end. If you cannot determine the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, a key to becoming multi-orgasmic, you can only succeed by accident and not intentionally.

Some men may try to stimulate themselves very quickly and rigorously, and this is not the best way to become aware of your personal level of sexual awareness. Taking the stimulation slower rather than faster will allow you to discover your personal boundaries between arousal, plateau, and orgasm more easily. With these discoveries you will have a much greater chance of learning when to squeeze your PC muscle, when to stop stimulation, and when to relax your PC muscle and resume stimulation to experience another orgasm.

Pelvic pressure after arousal. Pressure in the pelvic area is a natural result of increased blood flow into the genital area. If the level of this pressure is uncomfortable, it will be helpful to breathe deeply, elevate the lower extremities and massage the perineum and testicles lightly. This will help the body assimilate the energy from the testicles to the rest of the body. It would be best also to stay in a reclined position for 5 – 10 minutes.

Other Benefits:

It is quite possible that if you have other sexual problems such as premature ejaculation, learning to become multi-orgasmic will help you tremendously during lovemaking. Not only will you be able to greatly prolong the session by suppressing ejaculation until you choose, but you will be free to release your worries and anxiety and focus more on pleasing your partner. The list of positive effects can be nearly endless!

Age:

Some men may wonder if age can have any effect on the chances of success in becoming multi-orgasmic. There’s no reason why sexually mature men of all ages shouldn’t see the same high rate of success, assuming they are sexually active and have a high level of personal sexual awareness. A strong pubococcygeal muscle gives more blood to the genitals making erections come more easily If you have no trouble reaching singular orgasms either by yourself or with a partner, then learning how to become multi-orgasmic may only be a matter of patience, determination, and effort. If you do have trouble having singular orgasms or opening up sexually with yourself and your partner, however, then perhaps there are other issues that you need to deal with before multiple orgasms will be a possibility for you. This guide is not prepared to address any problems with orgasms beyond the relatively simple matters discussed in this section. If you are experiencing more serious problems, please consider consulting your healthcare provider or a therapist. They should be able to provide you with the professional advice that we are not equipped to handle.

Ancient Ideas:

The concept of being a multi-orgasmic male is not new at all. Ancient Chinese philosophers called Taoists, have known about this and many other profound sexual concepts and practices thousands of years ago. Many of these sexual secrets remain surprisingly unknown, even now in the age of sexual awareness and liberation. Despite the fact that during the 1940s and 1950s several sex researchers in the West studied and confirmed the ability of males to experience multiple orgasms. Even at present, the amount of sexual ignorance, misdirection, and confusion is astonishing.

In Closing:

The bottom line is that your ability to have multiple orgasms depends on your overall sexual awareness, and the strength and control of your PC muscle among many other factors. As with all noteworthy achievements, this is not something that can necessarily be accomplished all at once. While reading this guide and having multiple orgasms in one night is certainly possible, you should understand that it could take several weeks or even months before you succeed. Your results will depend on your own personal effort and determination. The problem is remembering to do them. After all, it’s not like there’s a Kegelcisor exercise machine sitting in your living room or basement, reminding you to do your sexercises. So here’s a short list of tips to remind you of the simplicity and beauty of Kegels, which you can do anytime, anywhere. (Kegel prounced like bagel but with a K)

Kegels and bagels:

Ah, breakfast, the most important meal of the day. And no better time to start your daylong Kegel routine. Clench your PC muscles with every bite you take of breakfast. Try to hold the clench for as long as it takes you to sip and swallow a mouthful of coffee.

Kegel and Hegel:

The German philosopher claimed that reality was based in ideas, not in things. Remember that as you’re explaining your ideas at the next meeting. And take a minute to ground yourself in your own reality. Do a few quick PC clenches while your boss is mulling your ideas over. Heck, he might be doing the same thing.

Kegel and finagle:

Buying a new car, but don’t feel like paying new car prices? Or maybe you’re at the local flea market, trying to get that antique dresser for a steal. It doesn’t matter; just remember to clench while you’re trying to clinch that deal. Even if your finagling doesn’t get you the price you want, your ejaculatory muscles-and your partner-will consider it time well-spent even is the cash wasn‘t well spent *grins*.

Kegels and Eagles:

Jets, Cowboy’s Raider, swans or hawks. Yes, even when you appear to the entire world to be a couch potato, absorbed in the afternoon game, you know that you’re working to gain yardage in the great gridiron of your bedroom. Do a Kegel every time the teams come to the line of scrimmage. Hold the clench for the duration of every pass or kick. And every time someone makes a touchdown (or mark a goal for footy fans); do as many as you can in the space of a couple seconds. In the game of sex, there are players and there are punters. Be a player.

Kegels and weasels:

When you’re trying to weasel your way out of a request your Mistress has made upon you, work that Kegel, the effort will pay off, concentrating on your Kegels will also focus you on your Mistress, with the added bonus of making your task time more interesting.

Kegel and Nagel:

You’re wandering around the local art museum, trying to make sense of paintings that appear to defy all reason for existence, but your Mistress loves the art. When the gallery before your eyes doesn’t meet your high artistic standards, summon up a vision of the Birth of Venus, or a nice marble statue of an ample Italian beauty or the smooth, electric lines of a Nagel nude. Kegel your way past the modern art. If you see something that catches your eye, hold the clench for as long as you can. Think of the strokes you’ll be adding later to the great masterpiece that is your sex life. Now, that’s art. Good luck, practice practice practice!!!!!!!!

Article MissBonnie Feb 2008 © CollarNcuffs.com

related reading:

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

You’re submissive, what now?

When we first discover these facets about ourselves, after the initial shock, psycho analyzing ourselves, etc, we are eager to find someone to share our lives and ourselves with. It is only natural that we seek a partner. Nobody wants to be alone. As Submissives, you have an overwhelming need to belong to and/or serve someone. This is a normal need. All experience it.

Because of this strong need to belong, many newcomers to the scene make decisions too quickly and brashly. They may meet someone weather online or in person, and because there is interest, jump ‘head first’ into a relationship with someone they barely know, just to have that sense of belonging or to feel the excitement of ownership. Experience is great, but a bad experience can ‘hurt’ in more ways than one. Wait… Now is not the time to go seeking your “one true Mistress” «< a phrase I detest .

Now that you’ve discovered this wondrous facet contained in yourself, it’s time to learn more about yourself. READ… READ…READ and read some more…I cannot stress this enough.

Take the time to learn all the different aspects of D/s, S/M, or the all-encompassing BDSM/Femdom. You don’t have to like pain, but if you do, that’s fine too. What rocks your world, may be another total turn off, we all are different but many things you’ll find the same…So explore. What’s out there? What are your options? What’s the difference between humiliation and degradation? What is scarification? What’s a St Andrews cross, a tens pad, a vampire glove? Read the resource section, learn the terms. Soak up what ever knowledge you can find…use the net for more than porn…Yes the net is more than porn; it’s your door way into a world you dream and long for.

If you don’t know what your options are, how can you make an educated decision about your life? You should not expect to find someone out there to decide that for you. You have to decide who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for in a partner, BEFORE searching for the one to whom you will give yourself. There are so many books and websites out there to read, study, and get the knowledge you need to find your partner.

Keep in mind, however, that books and websites are guidelines, not the end-all to anything. They are meant to be informative so you can make your own decisions, not recipes or directions of how it must be done. Even recipe ingredients can be substituted, and if you miss a turn, there is usually an alternate route. If you find one that says, “You must do X or else you aren’t submissive,” it’s probably not the site you want to be learning from. And, if you feel you are submissive, don’t let ANYONE tell you aren’t just because you feel differently than they do on a subject.

Okay. Now you’ve read every website you can find and every book you could get your hands on. It’s time to talk to other Submissives. Go to local munches and meetings (if there are any near you, you’ll find a list in the forum section under events), and meet others in the lifestyle, join in of forums, join the chat room you’ll be surprised what you can learn just chatting with others. Too many times, people are terrified to go to these things because they don’t know what to expect. They fear they’ll say something wrong, make fools of themselves, or get “in trouble”. No one is going to punish you, or expect anything of you at all. You’re not being interviewed for a position. We’re just people… who happen to be kinky. We sit around and talk about similar interests. Not much different if you went to a meeting about ‘painting’. Different people might talk about different paints and brushes, strokes, canvas, etc. But they all have the same interest. Painting.

We have a wonderful page here on site written by rooroo on his first experience Talk to both dominants and Submissives. (They won’t bite you…unless you want them to or provoke them LOL)… Find out what their lives are like, how they do, what they do? Ask questions, if you don’t ask you will never know. Get advice. Keeping in mind that not all advice you get from “seasoned” Submissives (or Dommes) will be good advice.

A little story about what happened to me in this regard: I often go to munches and meetings. At one of these meetings, the topic was “punishment”. I heard a statement that “Mistress hardly ever punished me“. According to his Mistress, he hardly ever requires it. Anyway, as I heard this statement, people were surprised that in the 2 years they had been together, he had only been punished once. One submissive, whom I respected, suggested that he purposely avoid some of his responsibilities to “test” his Mistress, I forget the direct quote but it was along the lines of ‘don’t fuel the car, so she runs out’… to see if She would punish him. That was about the worst advice I’d ever heard from a respected sub. His Mistress did run out of fuel in a very bad part of town, things turned out ok…but the possible outcome could have been worse. His mistress ‘trusted’ him with her safety (as you trust her) would you want a Domme who has no respect for your safety? He is submissive, why in the world would he want to upset his Mistress, or place her in danger. The moral is, while advice is a good thing, not all advice will be sound advice. So… as I often say, “Take what you like, and leave the rest.”

However, the following piece of advice is definitely worth reading. When you go to a munch, a club, a meeting, etc. Please…don’t beg entrance, curtsy, bow, or float gracefully across the room and fall gently to your knees before the Dommes, offering rose petals or whatever other lame thing is done in many chat rooms of that sort. You will be laughed off the face of the earth, dismissed as a dumb-ass, or if done in a public place, taken by the police to the nearest psych unit. LOL… No need to put on a big show or draw that kind of attention to yourself. Once in a relationship, if you’re dominant wants you to curtsy to him or her, that’s his or her call. Just be respectful and be yourself.

One of the common misnomers which irritate me is that “RESPECT must be earned”. That’s just not true. If you were out shopping and had a question, you might say, “Excuse me Ma’am, could you tell me where I can find the paper towels?” That’s showing respect.

Good manners, count everywhere in life Femdom is no different.

You know… those things our parents or guardians tried to in grain in us when we were growing up. Showing good manners is being respectful. Calling someone Sir, Ma’am, Doctor, Sgt., Professor, etc. are all examples of showing respect for someone. I use titles of that sort when talking to anyone I’m not on familiar terms with. However, in my opinion, the terms “Master” & “Mistress” should not be used lightly. Just because a woman is someone’s Mistress, doesn’t mean you must (or, should) call her that. She is that person’s Mistress, not yours. If you wish to show respect to someone else’s Master or Mistress, a simple “Sir” or “Ma’am” is adequate. Growing up, I was taught that respect should be given to everyone (regardless of societal status, employment, and later in life, whether they’re in the lifestyle or not). So I do. I respect everyone, unless and until they do something and no longer deserve my respect.

TRUST, on the other hand, is what must be earned.

If you were out shopping, would you trust the lady behind the counter to tie you up, and play with you? Would you trust her to not hurt you? Would you trust her to make decisions about your life? I certainly hope not. Going back to that ‘jumping too quickly’ and ‘needing to belong to someone’ thing, let’s expand a bit. You’ve studied, learned about yourself, and talked to others in the lifestyle. Now you’re ready to find a partner, so you start actively looking. Decide what you DO and DO NOT want in a partner. Both are equally important. Once you find someone you share an interest with, discover your compatibility. It’s very important to discuss all areas and aspects of the life and type of relationship you might be sharing with your prospective partner. It’s important to know where they stand on the D/s scheme of things. Some of the things you might wish to discuss include, but are not limited to: Dynamics of the relationship, expectations, punishment, types of play, limits, safety (including safe sex), safewords, health (mental & physical), etc. We have many of these mentioned resources articles available on CollarNcuffs.com

However, what about life in general together?

There is more to finding a partner than whether or not they are an experienced and good top/dominant. Is she a good human being? Can you trust this person not only with your physical well-being, but can you trust them to make decisions for you based on your moral beliefs? That part is often overlooked in the beginning, as the Femdom part seems to be the main focus when trying to determine compatibility. But what about things like: Bank accounts, will they be joint?; is marriage an option?; what if gets pregnant?; what if one of you cannot have children?; is religion an important issue to one or both of you?; will you be allowed, expected, or required to work outside the home?; does your prospective partner use drugs or alcohol?; what about medical care?; what about family? Find out about these and any other things that may be important to you.

When in a D/s relationship, there is a certain amount of conditioning/training/change that may take place. But, if you try to conform to the dominant’s ‘grand plan’, when it absolutely does not match your own desires and needs, then you are “settling” and are not likely to find yourself in an ideal situation. I’m not saying you have to agree on every little detail. That whole “to-may-toe/ to-mah-toe” thing isn’t a big issue, but there are many things that you may not be able to compromise on. Compromise is good…but knowing when and on what issues is vital.

Too often, some novices will settle for what they might believe is the best they can do, as opposed to what they really need. Maybe they’ve searched for months or even a couple of years without success. This can be exceptionally disheartening. However, settling for the first person that shows you attention can be disastrous. Would you go to a bar, meet a person and then run off to the Justice of the Peace and marry her that very night, that week, or even that month? Most probably not. Generic vanilla-type questions are just as important, as the D/s related ones.

GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER.

You have the inalienable right to consent. It is your choice, and that choice should not be made rashly. In getting to know your partner, she will be learning about you too. It is “imperative” that you be completely honest not only with her, but with yourself as well. Tell her what you need, what you’re interested in, what you’re afraid of, what you might want to try some time in the future, but perhaps aren’t ready for yet. If you are unsure about something, say so. If you don’t know what something is, ask. Dominants are not mind-readers… If you want something, ask… Even though it detracts from your ideal of having a dominant JUST KNOW what we want/need. Most people aren’t experts on taking hints. So, if they don’t know you want it, chances are… you won’t get it.

If you do ask, and they don’t really give you an answer, in some cases, you may have to reaffirm your interest, possibly even a few times. It might be that she simply wants to make sure it’s something you really want, and not a whim. Been there…done that…LOL… If they haven’t given you a definite a, just remind her that you really want to try it, whatever it happens to be. However, I don’t recommend nagging.

Triggers” is another topic of importance.

Think incredibly hard about your past. The times you’ve been hurt, specific words, names, or scenarios that could cause a ‘trigger-effect’ (define this as “something that makes you cringe and/or recall vividly bad past experiences”). It’s not exactly fun to reflect on the bad parts of our past, but is important to do so in order to help avoid possibly bad situations in the future. Make sure you know each other’s limits, too. Too often, new Submissives are afraid to say “no” due to a fear of disappointing their dominant or not seeming “very submissive” if they refuse. That’s bull!!! Limits are set for a reason, and it’s ok to say no. Always, always, always play with a safe word.

Good luck and remember to enjoy!!!

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

related reading in the same section:

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

Collars and meanings

In the world of BDSM and Femdom , collars can play many roles. And can carry many protocols, depending on their intent and who puts them in place. In stating this, it should be known that this is generally the way things maybe, but not always. As each person’s desires and ideas normally fit their own needs. The explanation for each type of collar is indeed my view although it may be generally shared by many.

One of the things I cannot stress enough to new submissives is to make sure your ingurgitation of what a collar means is the same as person offering it. Often there can be a huge disconnect

Table of Contents

Protection Collar

A Protection Collar is given to a submissive or slave who is without a Master or Dominant, or worn by an owned sub or slave where their Master or Dominant is not near. This collar serves as a means of keeping a sub or slave safe until they are under consideration. This would allow them to be more part of group events and munches without fear of being used or abused. In the case of an owned sub or slave, the protection collar insures their owner’s wishes and desires are respected when they can not be there.

Collar of Consideration

This collar is often given when a Master or Dominant is seeking out a sub or slave for ownership; some would say it is like an engagement ring. This collar lets others know that a sub or slave is being sought by One and therefore is not seeking a Master or Dominant at this time.

Training Collar

The Training Collar is seen more in long-term relationships. It’s worn during a sub’s or slave’s training period. Some use it as a public play collar because a Collar of Ownership maybe too formal or delicate for play. Training Collars are also considered a stepping stone on the path of ownership.

Fashion Collars

Fashion Collars are worn normally as a fashion statement. Many different groups (i.e., Goth, punk, fetish) will wear them. They hold no real meaning. This collar should not be confused with a Public Collar.

Collar of Ownership

The Collar of Ownership is that given to a sub or slave when a Master or Dominant decides to own the sub or slave. This collar is normally seen in conjunction with a long-term relationship that may have a contract or agreement in place. This collar may be given in many different ceremonies. High value is and should be placed on this collar. A Collar of Ownership is not given normally without thought and a true desire to accept the responsibilities of owning someone (and being owned).

Public Collars

A Public Collar, although sometimes hard to recognize, is worn in place of the more traditional collar during more public (vanilla) outings. This collar can be represented in many ways (i.e., a broach, pin, or bracelet). This is normally chosen by the individuals involved in the relationship

Play collars are worn for scenes only.

They can be worn between people in vanilla relationships who like the occasional BDSM play. D/s couples who don’t feel it necessary to wear a collar all the time, or even strangers at BDSM clubs or parties who are only playing together for one scene. Putting on a play collar can be like putting on lingerie–it gets you in the mood to play and can help put you in subspace! A collar may be more part of a costume than a D/s symbol in pet play.

Digital Collars

While most people picture some sort of physical collar in their minds, the practice has been adopted for use online in the last decade or more. In forums, chatrooms, and other Femdom spaces, submissives will sometimes mark that they’ve been collared. This is typically a signifier of a long-term relationship and may mean other dominants cannot speak to them without their dominant’s permission.

One example involves submissives using symbols such as brackets that look like a collar and possibly a leash next to their dominant’s name. For example:

{submissive}~Dominant this was very popular inn online chatrooms in the early 2000 to 2010s it has now seemed to fall out of favor.

Protocols

There are many forms of collars and almost just as many protocols that follow them. These protocols, like the collars themselves, fit the desires of those who place them. If you’re not sure of the meaning of a collar ask, most will tell you. In some cases subs or slave are not allowed to interact with other Dominants or Masters without permission of their owners (this may also be true in the case of a Protection Collar). RESPECT its meaning and the wishes of the Dominant as well as the sub or slave by not forcing yourself upon a collared individual for an answer. If a request is to be placed on subs or slaves, seek out their owner(s). All negotiations between subs and slaves wearing collars should be with those who put the collar in place.

As stated in the beginning these are generally accepted ways but are not always the same for each person. They are guidelines and normally when followed the respect given will be returned.

Resource Article : MissBonnie

Sub husband help

My last few posts have been geared more toward the submissive men and it is high time to talk with my fellow budding FemDom’s. Get a cup of coffee (or whatever you like), pull up a chair and let’s have a little talk. Since my perspective is from the female point of view I want to talk to all you Ladies like I was right there with you. I realize that no two people are exactly alike, but the more I read from other budding FemDom’s, the more I am realizing the core of this lifestyle is the same. From what I have read 90% of the Dommes I know were at one time introduced to this lifestyle by either a spouse or boyfriend. I have only come across a select few that became involved in this lifestyle on their own.

First, I am going to use my situation to share on. By no means did I do everything perfectly. All I can share is how this time is different for me than last time.

I woke up one morning and found that my husband had been on my computer the night before while I was sleeping. It took a while before I confronted him about it and when I finally did I got a defensive attitude and he denied that he was doing anything wrong. Typical behavior from a man that knows he has been caught! My first reaction was rage. Does this man really think I am that stupid? My second emotion was hurt. Since I still didn’t know exactly what he was doing I really had nothing concrete to be angry and hurt about. It was the denial that got me. It took a while before I knew exactly what he had been doing. The first thing I did was think. I had some serious decisions to make. Was I going to leave or stay? If I stayed, how was I going to ever be able to trust him again?

So let’s put this scenario onto you! Let’s say your husband has just come to you and decided to share his submissive desires. Not all men are leading secret lives but you can bet most are. They have looked at FemDom and the desire is so strong to bring it to reality, they take a chance and talk with you. Or let’s say you have found out that your husband is being sneaky on the computer. I can tell you how to find out everything, and I mean everything, he has been doing but that can be talked about later. Now, you can do one of two things: you can reject him completely or you can listen and then decide for yourself if this is something that interests you. Take some time, research the reality of FemDom and then decide if this is something you would like to do IF YOU WEREN’T TO STAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE. If this lifestyle is something you don’t really find interest in, and you continue to go ahead with it because it is what HE wants, it will never work. Your spouse will have no choice but to top from the bottom. All that will make you left feeling is inadequate and unloved. See, the male submissive, behind all the fetish activities, wants to serve a Dominant woman. If he is molding you into his perfect little Domme it will never work. This will technically leave him in the Dominant role which is not what he wants. I might add this is definitely not what you want! Trust me!

So, you have taken some time, researched and you are all for being a FemDom. Now what? How do you go about playing with this man? The activities we engage in can be very dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing. Books are wonderful and a lot can be learned about safe play, but there is only so much you can learn from books. Nothing compares to learning hands on with an experienced teacher and mentor. For me I really love the mental aspect of D/s. The bondage, teasing and games are a means to an end for me. I can honestly tell you I have learned more about the mental aspects of submissives now that I have in person relationships with other Dommes and subs. So, how do you meet others you can learn from?

The first is a local BDSM support group (want online try our Community and FREE programs. If you live in a well populated area you can bet there is a support group near. You might have to travel a little but it’s well worth it. It does take time to get to know others in the group. What do you do in the meantime? I know most of you will be completely shocked that I am suggesting this but here goes. I would find a Pro Domme in your area to take lessons from. You don’t have to take your submissive with you (although after a few times I suggest you do). Pro’s can be expensive but most will work with you if you let them know your budget. Pro’s have a insight the average woman doesn’t. They talk to thousands of submissive men and they understand the mental aspect of the submissive very well. Most Pro’s have been in the lifestyle for years and years. Hence how they got to be Pro’s.

One of my best friends is a Pro who has been involved in the lifestyle for over 17 years. She specializes in couples and she loves it when budding FemDom’s call her for lessons. I can tell you right now that if it wasn’t for this woman, my husband and I might not be together now. She understands the woman’s perspective and the man’s. She is invaluable. She offers phone counseling and she does in person lessons after she has gotten to know you and your situation via phone calls. She is here in Vegas and I highly recommend her. Here name is Mistress Kali Ward and if you are anywhere near Vegas (or not) I would suggest calling her. She started the PEP Buffalo chapter and she is recommended by Elise Sutton. The PEP organization is nationwide and the Pro Dommes they recommend are very compassionate and well educated.

This will probably surprise you all more than anything else but I have become very good friends with my husbands Ex-Pro, LadyIceQueen. For months I was envious and intimated by her only to find that she is a loving, compassionate, regular woman like me. She accepted me with love and made me feel beautiful. (Kisses and Hugs to you sweets!) I expected her to be a total cruel bitch but what I found is she is just like me. While I am not grateful that my husband shared sessions with her, I am grateful that I contacted her and now can call her my friend. She was originally in Las Vegas but she has relocated to Glendale, AZ. Like Mistress Kali Ward, she accepts phone counseling and in person lessons.

In conclusion, this lifestyle is not for everyone. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOMME. DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND OR B/f PUSH YOU INTO BEING SOMETHING YOUR NOT.

While there are many benefits to this lifestyle it is not for everyone. If you do find this lifestyle is for you, please learn all you can on what you like. Be safe in your play. And most of all enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Enjoy the attention, adoration and power. This is one time where it is ok to be a little selfish and to make it all about you. If you do, you will find what you have always wanted. Care for and guide your submissive into places they have only dreamed of. This is the time to see what you like, what you want, and to bask in the lap of luxury. The benefits are more than you could ever dream of. As always, I welcome emails from anyone who wishes to chat. Let me know how things are going. Good Luck!!!

Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost some her entries If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog (now closed)

Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted to MissBonnie

Further resources:

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

USA BDSM Munches

This is a work in progress..it might always be in progress! This is a listing of places, organizations, clubs, etc, all with useful information and where you can find and get involved with your local scene. Listings include both pansexual and exclusive groups.

Note–PLEASE do not send listings of professional dungeons, pro doms, or BDSM-related businesses.This page is simply a guide to where people can meet and get involved.

Helpful hint–I’ll list them if you send them, but Yahoo discussion groups, pages on Geocities, Angelfire, etc, have a brief life span due to the growing anti-adult censorship of those web communities. You’re better off having your page hosted by an adult friendly (or at least indifferent) provider.

Also, please do not send date-specific listings of anything that’ll expire–trying to keep this page a resource for ongoing groups/organizations.

NOTE:Lots of the sites listed on this resource have now closed due the closure of Geocities etc, we apologize for the inconvenience. We will work at rebuilding this listing in the future.

National: General Resources

  • Acme BDSM: no, not what Wile E Coyote did with the Roadrunner! This is a web resource and discussion page for the BDSM community.
  • Aggressive AIDS Prevention: nonprofit corporation dedicated to raising awareness of HIV/AIDS, encouraging HIV antibody testing, and promoting HIV Negative maintenance through Media.
  • The BDSM Events Page: lists time-sensitive information on events and a few international listings–very good resource
  • BDSM Partner Registry: An idea long overdue–an online gift registry for those of us in the lifestyle!
  • Black Beat Inc: an independent, non-profit, social organization founded by African American members of the D/s, BDSM and Leather community nationwide. Black BEAT strives to cultivate safe, sane, consenting adults (21 years and older) with alternative lifestyle and sexuality interests via culture, education, development, support, and event planning.
  • Bound: branches in Washington, DC as well as Baltimore MD, Tampa, FL, Richmond, VA, New Haven, CT. (NYC, Chicago, Philadelphia, San Francisco and Seattle by Oct 1998). *European* branches: Reykjavik, Iceland, Stockholm Sweden, and Prague CZ.
  • BDSM Events: mailing lists of local BDSM events, also has international listings
  • BDSM Travelers: BDSM Travelers is a directory of friendly, travel-loving people in the BDSM lifestyle who offer each other the gift of hospitality in their homes. Members from around the world offer their hospitality to other members at no charge. These hosts, in turn, are received when they travel.
  • BDSM Village: an online cyber ‘village’ & resource center, but supports RL events and workshops as well in various locations.
  • The Beacon E-Zine: Online bi-monthly newsletter and calendar of BDSM events for the SE US. Covers Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina and Tennessee.
  • Chamber Door; good article/educational resource Dom sub Lifestyle: online bi-monthly newsletter and international calendar of BDSM events, groups, and group listings.
  • DS Kiosk Power Exchange Resource Center
  • The Fetish Alliance: education & support resource
  • Immediate Family: an Alternative Lifestyle Safehouse/Rescue project with affiliate houses throughout the US, Canada and the UK.
  • International Deaf Leather; P.O. Box 30286, Columbus OH 43230.
  • The Fireside Society: network for women and couples into BDSM in NC, SC, VA, and GA
  • Kink Aware Professionals
  • The Kinky Lawyer: legal resource page, as it applies to us kinky folk.
  • Kinky Tax: A kink friendly tax lawyer to help with the non-consential sadism practiced by the IRS.
  • National Leather Association
  • International Association of Rubberists
  • The Kinky Links Directory: I don’t list ‘professional’ Dominants or Dungeons on this page, but this guide is an excellent resource to that part of the scene.
  • Lifestyle Choices Legal Resources Center: an organization to assist those who live an alternative BDSM lifestyle, whose lifestyle is being made an issue in a court of Law, on the job or at home.
  • Romantic Hotels: a directory of Romantic, Adult and Theme Room Hotels in the US and Canada for romantic getaway spots. Decent resource for kinky folks travelling, or for those who arent into the dungeon/play party scene but still want to do something a little different for a scene.
  • SM Sex–Safely: the STOP AIDS Project. Targets gay and bisexual men, but this BDSM resource has material that is appropriate for anyone involved in BDSM/kink practices.
  • Submissive Women Speak: Reality-based information and advice for submissive women and the people who love them.
  • Subs For Dommes: The largest BDSM community in the world exclusive to Female Dommes and male/female subs and slaves dedicated to Female Domination. The site is free to all lifestyle Dommes,subs,slaves, switches. It is unique in design and membership includes email, access to all chatrooms, blogs, forums, profiles and every part of the site. The site also offers flash chatrooms, 3D chatrooms and a virtual city.
  • Sweet Surrender: online adult BDSM education site

Alabama

  • AlabamaFemDom-Malesub; play parties, social gatherings, and demonstrations.
  • Bound for Pleasure; North Alabama PanSexual Group devoted to the education and support of the BDSM Lifestyle.
  • BirminghamBirmingham Leather/Fetish Society; A Pansexual lifestyle group promoting Leather solidarity and activism in Central Alabama and around the region.
  • The Red Chair; adult pan-sexual BDSM education, discussion and social group. Email rdchair@aol.comfor info.
  • HuntvilleNASSA; North Alabama Spanking and Social Alternatives, pansexual support, education, & munch group.
  • Alabama Daddies/Girls Club(1ADGC); Group dedicated to educating and learning everything that can be shared between consenting adults concerning the Daddy/littlegirl concept.
  • Binding Ties; personal ad/discussion group, also holds RL munches in the Huntsville, Decatur, & Madison areas.
  • NAPEX; North Alabama Power Exchange
  • MontgomeryCentral Alabama Power Exchange; pansexual, alternative lifestyle group with particular interests in B D S M and D/s and dedicated to Safe, Sane and Consensual aspects of the lifestyle.
  • PelhamSteel City Centurions; men’s group, email for info.
  • SylacaugaDARE; social group
  • TuscaloosaTuscaloosaALG; Alternative Lifestyles Group located in the Tuscaloosa area. Mainly a BDSM & D/s group, but all are welcome.

Alaska

Arizona

Arkansas

California

  • Calendar of BDSM California Events
  • Southern California Munch Group
  • The Gathering: Southern California socials
  • SOCalMunch; SoCalMUNCH covers the following areas: Palm Desert, Rancho Mirage, La Quinta, Indio, Coachella, Thermal, & the Westshores of the Salton Sea.
  • Northern California BDSM: social organization for individuals seeking a supportive environment for exploring alternative sexuality.
  • BakersfieldBakersfield BDSM Group Munch
  • Berkeley: Womanlink International; women’s group, 2124 Kittredge #257, Berkeley CA 94704.
  • Central CaliforniaChosen Lifestyle
  • Canoga Park: MP Bands; P.O. Box 2843, Canoga Park, CA 91306
  • ChicoChico BDSM Munch
  • El Cerrito: La Madrona; femdom couple’s group, P.O. Box 1335, El Cerrito CA 94530.
  • Fairfield: Munch, first Sunday of each month, email for info.
  • Los AngelesAvatar Club
  • C.C.Inc; BDSM socials, run by the same people behind Conquest and Fetish X. Also weekly BDSM membership only parties at Lair de Sade
  • Dualities; discussion and munch group for switches
  • Eagle LA; Formerly The Gauntlet II, the Eagle L.A. is Los Angeles’ hottest Levi/Leather bar. Always upholding the Leather/Uniform/Fetish ethic, with the hottest leathermen in town.
  • MAsT L.A; A support and discussion group for gay men interested in the Master/slave or Dominant/submissive relationship.
  • Lair de Sade; A private membership organization established for the pleasure and recreation of BDSM lifestylers. Over 6,700 square feet. multiple buildings, kitchen, 3 bathrooms and basement. 30+ playstations with exquisite BDSM furniture and equipment. Outside patio for socializing and smoking features cast iron patio heaters and a firepit.
  • LA Pups; social group for all human pups/dogs, Handlers/Trainers/Owners of human pups, or anyone that has an interest in human pups. The group is open to all genders and orientations.
  • Los Angeles boys of leather; a group of submissives who are in service to the local leather community. The term “leatherboy” can refer to people of any age, gender, appearance or sexual orientation who share a common dedication to service and devotion to the leather community.
  • Los Angeles Girls of Leather; LAgoL is a group focused on providing a welcoming space for leathergirls and to provide service to our local Leather/BDSM community. Leather girls are men and women who find joy in being of service to others. We are slaves, submissives, and bottoms with a feminine heart and include service people of all genders and sexual orientations.
  • LA Leather Coalition; A pansexual coalition of leather and fetish identified businesses and motorcycle, educational, social and uniform organizations. The LALC facilitates communication and mutual understanding among different segments of the leather/fetish-affiliated community, and promotes unity through cooperative endeavors that offer entertainment, education, social interaction, and community service.
  • Los Angeles Radical and Wicked Women; A women’s group devoted to the educational and social well-being of the women’s BDSM, leather, and fetish communities. LARAWW welcomes all women and transfolk, regardless of their sexual orientation or preference. We provide high quality educational programs and information, play parties and social gatherings.
  • NLA-Los Angeles; 7985 Santa Monica Blvd 109-217, West Hollywood CA 90046
  • PLAY; A social and educational group for leatherfolk interested in the integration of radical sexuality and spirituality; provides spiritual outreach to the leather/fetish community; fosters leather/fetish understanding within the larger spiritual community. PLAY is open to all adults without regard to gender, age, race, religious/spiritual affiliation or sexual orientation.
  • Trident International; 1064 Myra Avenue, #32, Los Angeles, CA 90026
  • The Threshold Society; non-profit social & educational organization
  • Lower LakeAlternative Lake County CA; online magazine. Also holds BDSM classes and workshops. Contact: jwolf@usa.com
  • Marina Del ReyThreshold; 2554 Lincoln Blvd PMB 1004, Marina Del Rey CA 90291 Phone: (818) 782-1160
  • Lake County Munch
  • Lompoc: Lompoc Valley Power Exchange; pansexual munch group, email LVPX-owner@yahoogroups.com for info.
  • MarysvilleMarysville Yubacity Munch group. Email: Sierraflowr@comcast.net
  • MilpitasMilPitas PlAyers
  • ModestoThe Modesto Discussion Group
  • MontereyMonterey Bay Kinksters; munches in Monterey & Moss Landing.
  • Stile di vita; Stile di vita (Italian for ‘lifestyle’) Supports the Male Dominant/female submissive community in California’s South Bay providing an intellectual approach to D/s and M/s lifestyles.
  • North Bay: Munch, third Sunday of each month, email for info.
  • Orange CountyUnder Ground Leather Association; private membership association, but holds discussion meetings open to the general public
  • Orange County Munch Group: Pansexual BDSM Group
  • Palo Alto/SunnyvaleThe Munch
  • PetalumaNorth Bay Third Sunday Munch
  • Redding: munch group for northern CA, meets the last Friday of each month. Email MDW@charter.net for details.
  • RiversidePaddlers of Southern California; PSC is a discussion list & munch group for adults in the Southern California area who are involved in the BDSM Lifestyle, and for those who would like to meet others in the BDSM Lifestyle, to share, socialize and interact in a safe, friendly and harmonious atmosphere and environment.
  • SacramentoEroticEdge: BDSM discussion group, especially for newcomers.
  • FemDommes of Sacramento; open to all submissives and Femdommes
  • Sacramento Valley Leathercorps; gay men’s and women’s group
  • “T”ransitions
  • San BernardinoPhoenix Alternative; pansexual BDSM education and social organization.
  • San DiegoClub X; P. O. Box 3092, San Diego, CA 92163 Phone: (619) 685-5149 Email: info@clubxsd.org
  • San Diego Social; meets and greets once a month.
  • San Fernando Valley Munch
  • San Francisco: Cogent Warriors; women’s group, 2261 Market #250, San Francisco, CA 94114
  • Constantines of the Bay Area; men’s group
  • Defenders San Francisco; Catholic leather society
  • El Cerrito Munch; 3rd monday’s, 7 pm at Carrow’s Restaurant, 6120 Potrero at San Pablo Ave
  • The Exiles; P.O. Box 31266, San Francisco CA 94131 Phone: (415)487-5170
  • Fifteen Association; men’s group, P.O. Box 421302, San Francisco, CA 94142
  • The Forum of San Francisco; coalition of motorcycle and leather clubs
  • Leathermen’s Discussion Group: located at EROS, 2051 Market St., near Church St., San Francisco
  • Links; 207 Gough Street, #58, San Francisco, CA 94102 Phone: (415) 695-7955 or (415) 703-7159
  • Mahogany Pleasures of Darkness; BDSM online discussion / munch group for People of Color and the people who like them
  • ; classes, discussion groups, and dungeon parties.
  • ; Lists upcoming events for the mens community along with other information, including an overview of the neighborhood for visitors.
  • San Francisco Girls of Leather; SFgoL provides a source of communication, information, growth and support for Leather girls; educates the community about leathergirls; supports activities within the leather community. Leathergirls are people with a girl’s heart, whose primary self-identity is girl. The girl identity is not limited by bio sex, gender, or sexual orientation.
  • Service of Mankind Church; P.O. Box 1335, El Cerrito, CA 94530 Phone: (510) 232-1369
  • The Stampede; The Bay Area Human Animal Roleplay Society
  • Power Exchange Sex Clubs
  • San Francisco Leather Online; listing of leather clubs and events
  • Society of Janus; P.O. Box 411523, San Francisco, CA 94141 Email: janus@soj.org
  • San JoseSanta Clara County Leather Association, email mssccla2000@leatherspace.com
  • Edges; play space, also hosts play parties
  • Leather WISDOM; women’s group, P.O. Box 2519, Santa Clara CA 95055.
  • SM Odyssey; Pansexual organization that holds educational classes every month, Includes the San Jose Munch, mens/women/pansexual discussion groups and Play Parties.
  • Southern Cross
  • Santa ClaritaSanta Clarita Munch
  • Santa CruzSanta Crux Munch
  • Studio CityShadow Lane
  • Vacaville/FairfieldDungeon and Dreams Vacaville/Fairfield Munch
  • VallejoThe Overlook; offers a monthly event as well as provides event listings in the Northern California area.

Colorado

Connecticut

Delaware

Florida

Georgia

Hawaii

Idaho

Illinois

  • Central Illinois: Leatherpalooza; BDSM education and events.
  • ChicagoChicago Leather Club; pansexual organization that provides a supportive, social, and educational environment for the Levi/leather, BDSM, and fetish communities.
  • Chicago Far North Shore Munch Group
  • Chicago Hellfire Club; men’s group, P.O. Box 5426, Chicago, IL 60680
  • Crimson Moon Ltd: spanking resource & party site
  • Dedicated and Safe: membership pansexual group, hosts seminars, parties
  • Galleria Domain; BDSM membership club
  • Leather Archives; “Our Mission: The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes.”
  • Leather United-Chicago; P.O. Box 81288, Chicago, IL 60681-1288 Phone: 773-486-5499 Email: LeatherUN@aol.com
  • Leather SINS Social Club; Leather SINS is Leather Social Interaction of the North Shore, a Chicago area Dinner Group which meets twice monthly as well as presenting other functions throughout the year.
  • BDSM Chicago; Features CRAM (Chicago rope and mummification group) and CHISM (Chicago BDSM community calendar).
  • LRA BDSM Leather Club; welcomes alternative lifestyles in Chicagoland and suburbs whatever your orientation: heterosexual bisexual homosexual or interest: Dominant submissive Master slave Top bottom spanking fetish.
  • Midwest Submissive Discussion Group
  • Submission Of Love; submissive’s support group
  • DecaturBCI Pearls of Wisdom; A pansexual discussion group for people 21 years and older to discuss the realtime lifestyle of D/s and b/d/s/m living in central illinois and the surrounding areas. Monthly Munches.
  • Moline-Rock IslandRiverbound–Quad Cities BDSM
  • RockfordREALM –Rockford and Extended Area Lifestyle Munch
  • SpringfieldL.I.N.K.S; Like-minded Individuals Networking for Knowledge and Satisfaction. We meet on the third Saturday of every month for a munch/social in a local restaurant. Members host their own private play parties and are by invitation only.

Indiana

  • Northern Indiana: Northern Indiana Power Exchange: lifestyle group based in Northern Indiana and welcomes others from areas near by including Ohio, Michigan amd Illinois.
  • Northern Indiana Kink
  • Club Fem Indy; a N/P social organization composed of individuals who want to develop sincere Female dominant/male submissive relationships.
  • BloomingtonHeadspace; pansexual group, serving IU students and the rest of the community
  • EvansvilleEvansville Munch Bunch
  • Common Grounds; pansexual social & educational group
  • Fort WayneFort Wayne Munch; bi-monthly munches, monthly play parties, and feature a submissive’s group that meets monthly, and a Dominant’s group that hasn’t begun to have meetings yet.
  • NEILA; North East Indiana Leather Association
  • Summit City Munch
  • Indianapolis:
  • Andromeda; social and educational group for lesbians, butches/femmes, gender queers, bisexuals, and transsexual/transgender persons* in the Central Indiana area who are interested in kink, B/D, D/S, S/M, etc.
  • IMAS (Indiana Masters and slaves/submissives/switches) ; munch group
  • NLA Indianapolis: 1310 Oakland Ave., Indianapolis IN 46201
  • The Indy Slosh; informal BDSM group
  • NLA Indianapolis
  • Sweet Misery, P O Box 11690, Indianapolis, IN 46201-0690
  • LafayetteLafayette Munch
  • MuncieClub DOMINION; pansexual fetish nightclub/dungeon (this club seems to be in limbo right now)
  • MerrillvilleHood and Leash of Indiana; group of Gor and D/s Lifestyle friendly people who like to gather and learn from each other. Bi-monthly meetings.
  • South BendALM; Alternative Lifestyles of Michiana

Iowa

Kansas

Kentucky

Louisiana

  • Alexandria: Central Louisiana BDSM mailing list, send email to CenLaBDSM@egroups.com.
  • Baton RougeRed Stick Volunteer Players
  • LafayetteAcadiana Power Exchange
  • Lake CharlesBDSM_Lake_Charles; BDSM support and social group
  • New OrleansClub Fem NOLA; Femdom – malesub group
  • NOBLE; non-profit pansexual support, play and social group
  • Society les Femdommes; FemDomme group based in southeast Louisiana serving Female Dominants, male submissives and female submissives.
  • ShreveportS_portdungeon; education & support group serving the Shreveport region and all of Northern Louisiana.
  • Delightful Dungeon; Pansexual D/s, BD S&M group in the Shreveport-Bossier City area.
  • Different Delights; pansexual 21& over support, education, and social group. Holds monthly munches, educational meetings, and coffee get togethers 3 times a month.
  • SWORD; Shreveport Women Of Regal Dominance, a fem Domme group and their subs, educating and supporting those in the Fem Dom lifestyle

Maine

Maryland

Massachusetts

  • Alston: The K.M. Society; P.O. Box 66, Alston MA 02134.
  • Boston: Boston Burgermunch; email for info.
  • New England Dungeon Society
  • Common Bond; women’s group, P.O. Box 390313, Boston MA 02139.
  • Bound For Pleasure; a New England BDSM social group that firmly believes in Safe, Sane and Consensual activities that will reflect on the B/D, D/S, S/M, Fetish and Alternative Lifestyle Communities in a healthy and positive light.
  • Defenders Boston: Catholic leather society, 55 E. Springfield St., Boston, MA 02118
  • New England NLA
  • One Nation Underground: information/ power exchange group for the BDSM/leather lifestyles
  • Boston-The Next Generation of Kinksters; pansexual BDSM group for motivated kinky individuals age 18-35 that is dedicated to education, outreach, and an enriching social environment within the leather community.
  • BraintreeSouthShore Munch; egroups list. Holds a munch 1st and 3rd Sundays of the month.
  • CambridgeMOB New England; Women’s play and social group.
  • Charlestown: Boston United Leather Legion; A gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender group, P.O. Box 287, Charlestown MA 02129.
  • Hadley: Bound and Determined, women’s group, P.O. Box 602, Hadley MA 01035.
  • Medford: Urania; women’s group, P.O. Box 501, Medford MA 02155.
  • Northampton: East Coast FTM Group; P.O. Box 60585, Florence Station, Northampton, MA 01060
  • Links: pansexual group, meets monthly at Intimicies in downtown Northampton.
  • Northampton Alt; adult social group
  • North DartmouthFLAG (Fits Like A Glove); glove fetish organization, predominantly gay male, but it is not limited to men or gay.
  • Shelix; women’s group, P.O. Box 416, Northampton, MA 01060-0416
  • Randolph: The Esoterica Society; P.O. Box 37, Randolph, MA 02368
  • Saugus: munch, contact Darkskyfire@aol.com for info
  • SpringfieldThe Western Massachusetts Power Exchange
  • WMPE-The Next Generation; for lifestylers 18-35.
  • WMPE Submissive Discussions; submissive only support group
  • Taunton: munch, held the 1st and 3rd Thursdays of the month. Email Swtchr2@aol.com for info.
  • WalthamNortheast Spanking Society; couples only group
  • WorcesterWorcester Women’s Munch

Michigan

Minnesota

Mississippi

Missouri

Montana

Nebraska

Nevada

  • Las VegasDelicious Decadence; egroup that aims to enlighten and introduce interested & curious people from all walks of life into the enticing world of Ds.
  • CHIX; Women’s BDSM egroup, created to unite, connect and address the lifestyle issues, concerns and direction of all women – whatever vocation, sexual preference, orientation, size or inclination.
  • Dungeon Kink: A private Las Vegas play party group for SSC adults into D/s, BDSM.
  • Las Vegas BDSM Lifestyle Group: A BDSM Lifestyle Group that values Protocol and Ritual, for the Lifestyler in Las Vegas and surroundings, Singles and Couples alike, who are involved in the BDSM Lifestyle, and for those who would like to meet others in the BDSM Lifestyle, to share, socialize and interact in a safe, friendly and harmonious atmosphere and environment.
  • Leather Uniform Club of Las Vegas; pansexual leather group dedicated to Education, Socializing, and Community Service.
  • Pau’Hana – The Club in the Lava Lounge; has a weekly fetish night, located at Hawaiian Marketplace, 3743 S. Las Vegas Blvd, Las Vegas, NV 89109
  • Polished Collar Society; private association of like-minded individuals sharing in the experience of learning and practicing the ritualistic aspects of BDSM.
  • Twisted Vanilla; real-life/time BDSM-D/s lifestyle group based in Southern Nevada (Las Vegas/Pahrump), offering support and social activities for those interested in BDSM and D/s lifestyles, and especially those interested protocols, respects and servitudes under the practices of “Old World” Mistresses and Masters. Parties, munches and slave training available to those who are honorable and discrete.
  • Shibari
  • Sin City DS Network: egroup for all Las Vegas area individuals at least 21 years of age interested in Dominance and submission, and BD/SM activities for the purpose of meeting and maintaining contact.
  • RenoNorthern Nevada Free Lifestyles; adult munch and social group.

New Hampshire

New Jersey

New Mexico

New York

North Carolina

  • Northeastern NCASKNENC; lifestyle munch group for Northeast NC, as well as Southeast Virginia
  • AshevilleThe Asheville Area Group; pansexual social group. Address: TAAG, PO Box 2372, Leicester, NC 28748.
  • CharlotteCharlotte Area Power Exchange; a not-for-profit pansexual organization in the south central Piedmont area of North Carolina for people who share an interest in BDSM.
  • Black Garden; pansexual BDSM group w/ weekly get togethers. bi monthly rope suspension ‘shows’, regular club nights, irregular private play parties, see link and calendar for details
  • Purgatory; bi-monthly fetish party, with rotating themes
  • Tradesmen, Inc; men’s group, P.O. Box 36712, Charlotte NC 28204.
  • Tradesman, Inc; P.O. Box 36712, Charlotte, NC 28204
  • Raleigh-DurhamSafe, Sane, Consensual Network (SSCN); SSCN is a not-for-profit BDSM organization dedicated to providing education, support, and a social network for its contributors in a safe, responsible, and discretion-conscious environment.
  • WilmingtonDomme Beach; femdom (and admirers!) social group.
  • WHIP
  • WINK: private alternative lifestyle group in southeastern North Carolina for Adults who practice SSC bdsm; for discussion, education, support and socializing.

North Dakota

Ohio

Oklahoma

Oregon

Pennsylvania

Rhode Island

  • Providence: Aces; P.O. Box 261, Annex Station, Providence RI 02901.
  • Hathor’s Garden; weekly club fetish night
  • RI Enforcers: leather group for gay men, bi people, TGs and lesbians, dedicated to being a brotherhood/sisterhood in leather and raising funds for local AIDS charities.

South Carolina

South Dakota

Tennessee

Texas

Utah

  • Salt Lake City:
  • The Path; friendly pansexual group that delivers organised “how to” BDSM lectures and classes
  • Utah Power Exchange (UPEX); pansexual r/t group
  • Wasatch Leathermen; men’s group, P.O. Box 1311, Salt Lake City, UT 84110

Vermont

  • Brattleboro/Keene NHDarkstoneds; pansexual BDSM group, monthly munches and socials.
  • Rose & Thorn Northern Vermont BDSM Parties; This is a friendly gathering of people who are active in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle. This is an opportunity to meet friends (and singles) who are on the same page. This is NOT a “play” party but an opportunity to build a community of like-minded people.
  • Vermont Society of Kink; holds a Soiree the First Friday of each month as well as a popular online discussion group.

Virginia

Washington

Washington D.C.

  • Black Rose; PO Box 11161, Arlington, VA 22210-1161. Phone: (202) 686-5880
  • Bound: fetish, Goth, Industrial club, light BDSM play and lots of fetish gear and vendors. Locations in DC and Baltimore, home base is in DC.
  • Club Salo: fetish event for gays and lesbians (and those that like to play with them!)
  • The Crucible: BDSM nightclub, email or call 202-310-2100
  • DC Spanking; pansexual email list
  • Defenders; Catholic Leather Group, P O Box 33098, Washington, DC 20033
  • First of the Month Munch; email for info.
  • The Men of Discipline; PO Box 21090, Washington, DC 20009
  • PEP-Washington DC; P.O. Box 1160, Arlington VA 22210
  • The Power Exchange
  • The Resource Pool; education and discussion group for the DC, VA, and MD area. Also holds workshops.
  • SIGMA; men’s leather/bdsm/bondage social group, call (202)728-7589 for the Hotline, or email Sigmadc@aol.com for more info.

West Virginia

  • West Virginia Femdom: NEW, so new that you can still smell the paint, Femdom-oriented support group just trying to get off the ground.
  • BeckleySMACK; for individuals in the Beckley, WV and surrounding areas who have a sincere interest in BD, D/s, and/or M/s relationships.
  • Clarksburgh/BridgeportWELTS; pansexual munch & support group
  • GlengaryWHIP; educational and social pansexual leather group
  • Tri State Area Power Exchange(TAPE): new munch for the WV/KY/OH area
  • WeirtonTri State Munch; pansexual support & social group
  • Wheeling: WV Meet and greet, email bbw4urcmnd@aol.com for info.

Wisconsin

Wyoming

Lots of the sites listed on this resource have now closed due the closure of geosites and yahoo free pages we apologize for the inconvenience we will work at rebuilding this listing in the future.

The New Social Media and Relationship

In the distant past, in a land not very far away, new lovers would meet in clubs and bars, campuses and offices. They would share passion in dorm rooms, apartments and hotels. When they were apart, they’d spill their feelings through long handwritten pages of prose, and talk for hours over miles of telephone wire. If love went wrong, they’d murmur goodbye with the glance of a kiss or shout good riddance over the angry slam of a door.

But that was then . . .

Here and now, lovers are likely to meet online, track each other on My Space, grow intimate in Second Life and share ideas through their blogs. An illicit affair might be discovered in email, the breakup occurring via text message or AIM. Today, when relationships like these go through transitions, their ups and downs become the emotional flotsam of virtual space; the drama of public consumption. What’s left of purely private pain is found in the grief of each ending. But even then, online support groups soothe the misery of pining alone.

The term “social networking” and “social media” encompass the myriad ways we’ve come to integrate blogs, wikis, podcasts, networking sites, text messages, video phone, tagging, RSS feeds and other not yet invented but eventually ubiquitous innovations into our daily lives. Just like our working life is framed by these technologies, our romantic life, too, is built around them. Whether they serve or somehow diminish our emotional intelligence is a reasonable question to ask, but not one we can yet answer. Only one thing is for sure: this brave new word of social media, now unleashed, won’t be stuffed back into the virtual Pandora’s Box from whence it came. As the distinction between virtual life and real life grows ever more blurred, our relationships are changing to match. Soon, whatever distinctions between cyber and real still exist may become invisible or irrelevant.

Consider how Elliot and Bree navigated their way out of a brief, but intense, extramarital affair. Both were married to others, with no intention of leaving their spouses, and they knew their romance wasn’t meant for the long haul. Yet they chose to fling themselves into the fire, promising that when the time came to douse the flames they’d do it bravely. It was no surprise to anyone who knew Bree or Elliot that, when that day came, “goodbye” was not so easy to say. Neither one of them was ready to cut off contact completely, yet they were wary of having an extended relationship, or even an email relationship that might be discovered. They arrived at a compromise that that reflected their unusual circumstances and the little miracles created by the times we live in: they set up a public blog. Their blog was deliberately available to anybody, in theory, but in practice, the blog was a place where they could journal and communicate without committing to anything more. It was the perfect bridge between worlds for them, something that wouldn’t have been possible just a few years ago.

Whether committing to a relationship or untangling one, many people are using social media to announce changes, marking their transitions with brevity and strong symbolism rather than discussion or argument. Why, just a tiny change to one’s online profile on any social networking site can tell a complex tale, send a message to the world and put one’s lover on notice that times are a-changin’. Despite the fact that a profile change doesn’t sound like a kind or definitive way to deliver news, such changes are frequently made with all the fanfare of a mouse click. Is it any wonder then, that these days men and women obsessively scan the profiles of people they date for indications of subtle shifts in attitude – like going from “in a relationship” to “single” or “it’s complicated”? Changes in one’s online presence can communicate mood and emotion in almost the same way that tone of voice or body language does, both offering clues that beg to be decoded.

Of course, these methods can backfire as easily as they can enable the winds of change. When Amilee decided that she’d had enough of her boyfriend’s raucous nights out with the boys, in a fit of frustration she decided to take a stand by updating her MySpace profile, changing her status from “in a relationship” to “single.” She wasn’t exactly ready to break up with Jeremy; she was, however, inclined to send out the equivalent of a smoke signal to the gods asking them to send along a prince instead of a toad. She knew Jeremy wasn’t on MySpace, so her effort was her own acknowledgment that she was ready for something/someone better. However, Amilee forgot to consider the fact that even if Jeremy didn’t scan profiles, his friends did. When Jeremy’s best friend’s girlfriend was browsing MySpace, she saw Amilee’s “single” notation and immediately told her boyfriend, who told Jeremy. At that point Jeremy cut off the relationship with a stinging public comment on Amilee’s page for all the world to see.

Some social network users feel that there is a protocol to employing social media as a romantic intermediary, but few people know what, exactly, that protocol is. It seems there are as many versions of protocol as there are users. Because the world of social networking is so new, the etiquette is unformed. Common sense doesn’t always apply there, any more than it does between bloggers or listserve participants, who are prone to cruelties of communication in text that they’d never consider expressing face to face. The bluntness of a profile indicator, a demotion in favored number status, or a sharp comment left in a fit of pique can pack a walloping emotional punch because it is precise, cutting and humiliating in public.

At the onset of relationships, social media has begun to have impact, too. It can announce to friends that a couple is taking their pattern of hook-ups to the next level – but a premature shift in status from “single” to “in a relationship” on the part of just one partner can provoke rumbles of anxiety if the other one wasn’t consulted and isn’t ready. If two people haven’t had “the talk” that clearly defines them as more than dates, a “relationship” announcement in black and white can suffocate, and may even send the undecided one running for a new playmate.

Of course, the very fact that relationships issues are not discussed – just announced in social-code – can bode poorly for a budding relationship. When MySpace or Facebook takes the place of genuine discussion, perhaps the symbolism applies to both partners, stating that neither is ready for a “real” relationship quite yet. And then there’s the matter of cell phones. What happens to a frequent chat /text habit between friends when one changes carriers and is no longer affordably accessible? When their 30 daily text messages start costing? Can the relationship stand the heat? Researchers show that cell phone connections enhance bonds between users, especially among those under 25 – and that the ability to free-connect to friends is the reason people choose one network over another. But if circumstances force a change, can the love survive? Does a Verizon networker have to choose between their friends and an iPhone (restricted to AT&T)?

With so much uncertain in the cyber-social sphere, at least one thing is guaranteed: relationships will be born and transition in and out of existence just as they always have. It’s the methods, the technologies, and the creativity with which they shape-shift that we need more time to fully comprehend. Of course, given the exponential speed with which social networks and the media that support them are changing, it’s most likely that just when we begin to understand the latest iteration, a whole new world will open up – and we’ll be back at the beginning all over again.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article Dr Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

On line Play

The Art of Flirting Online

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker:How to Transition from Online To Real Time I hear some version of this sad story nearly every day:

Online we were so good, so hot, it was easy to talk to and tease each other. I thought it would be just as good when we met, but instead it felt so awkward. We never recovered from that, and our online thing just petered out.

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker:How to Transition from Online To Real Time

Even if you’re sporting a well-developed persona online, it won’t necessarily transfer to RL. The reasons are varied, but the most important has to do with the fact that you are so much more relaxed and attentive behind the monitor. Your brain isn’t over-flowing with worries like “what does he think of me?” or “does she think I’m as phat as I think she is?” The boundary between cyber and RL is getting slimmer every day, but it’s still thick enough for cyberplay to continue being more protective of our egos than RL. In a relaxed and uninhibited state, it’s much easier to flirt. You can be fearless! And that’s the key right there. In real life, you become more of whoever you are when you’re afraid. That is, if you tend to be tongue-tied when afraid, or if you get overly talkative or more aggressive and confrontational, those qualities come to the forefront, hiding some of your most desirable aspects. In fact, they hide the very qualities that come across so well online.

To make matters worse, fear impedes your ability to control your body talk. When anxious, all your little quirks are exaggerated, and your capacity for strategy goes out the window. That may be your most serious handicap, because seductive body language is the secret to winning the game-set portion of any RL match.

Eighty percent of a first impression rests on how you move, stand, make eye contact, and express your interest nonverbally. Very little of the first impression comes from what you say. The tone of your voice – that is, the sound and cadence of it, not the words themselves – also weighs in. If your voice is weak and shallow, if your body is pulled back and stiff, or hyperactive and fidgety, you can blow things at hello. Why is this particularly important for social networkers to know? Your relationships online are based almost entirely on language use and its impact upon perception. You come alive to others through the words you use. Your body language, which could probably be best described as “slumped over the keyboard,” has little to do with the impression you make. Flirting in real life means honing a communication style in which social networkers tend to be least fluent. The anxiety and awkwardness you feel in RL is understandably a reflection of lack of comfort with your body and insufficient practice using it as your communicator.

Of course, the smarts that you play with online are as valuable in RL as anywhere in cyberspace – they just aren’t usually the meat of a first impression, nor are they sufficient to give you confidence as a bona fide flirt. To become comfortable in RL, new learning can’t develop inside your head or through an avatar; it requires actual practice. In that respect, flirting is a lot like dancing. You need to release fear and relax your body, while simultaneously paying attention to your movements. Yes, “relax and concentrate” sounds almost paradoxical – which is why, like dancing, flirting has to be practiced. You can’t head-trip your way to a successful flirting style – you have to do the physical deed over and over again until your body owns the experience.

Here are suggestions for flirt-worthy moves that you can practice daily with almost anybody. After you’ve mastered them, you’ll feel more confident and in charge of yourself when approaching someone whose response truly matters.

  • 1) Sit and stand straight; move with confidence. Proper posture really does matter a lot! Watch some of your favorite actors move with easy grace on screen and follow their lead. Don’t swivel or swagger; don’t over-do; just relax and move like you’re perfectly happy to share your billions of dollars and even greater wealth of heart. Remember that when you meet someone, the way you silently enter the room and sit down will be your first impression, and this can carry more weight than anything you do with your mouth open over the subsequent hour.
  • 2) Use your eyes to connect. The more intimate you want to be with someone, the broader your “zone of attention” can be. In business, you want to look primarily at the upper face as you “meet their eyes.” This term is a bit misleading though, because you don’t want to stare straight into someone’s eyes at all. Rather, shift your focus from eye to eye or take in their eyes and whole face simultaneously. When you are intimately interested in someone your zone of attention can become more encompassing, often taking in the most alluring bits: chest, shoulders, lips. Watching someone’s lips as they talk can be flirtatious and signal you are thinking thoughts about their mouth that go far beyond speech. In any social situation, though, you want to be looking at the person you’re talking with – never down at your hands, at the floor, over their shoulder, or around the room. This takes lots of practice, especially for social networkers who are adept multi-taskers. If your attention wanders easily to the newest incoming stimulus, you’ll need to put a strong rein on this habit.
  • 3) Shift your body subtly in the direction of the other person, as if they are the sun and you are a vine that grows toward the light. For instance, lean forward a little as the other person speaks; angle your body in their direction rather than away; cross your leg so that your toe is pointing at them.
  • 4) Mirror: Watch the other person’s body language and mirror their positive moves. If they take a sip of their drink and then lean forward, wait a moment and do something similar – but not necessarily an exact imitation. If they cross their leg in your direction, wait 40-60 seconds and do the same. Yes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In this case, you’re saying, “I like you” with your gestures and forming an unspoken connection.
  • 5) To increase the intensity of flirtation, use touch. As you’re speaking, emphasize a point by lightly touching the other’s arm or knee. Lean in when you’re laughing and touch them as if to underscore the joke. This will suggest a certain intimacy (unless it suggests drunkenness!) and might even be viewed as a come-on, so be judicious here. You don’t want to do this in business or with someone you aren’t interested in pursuing, unless you are close friends and touch comes naturally.
  • 6) Match your body talk and vocal tone. Again, pay attention to your favorite actors and actresses in roles where they seem to be flirting. Notice how body and the voice compliment one another. Watch a scene depicting flirtation in a foreign film, then turn off the subtitles (DVDs usually let you do this in set-up). Notice how vocal inflections and conversational melodies work with body language to signal sexual interest, even in the absence of understandable dialog. This just goes to show how little the actual words matter – quite unlike the online experience, where words transmit 98% of the message.
  • 7) If you’re a woman, touch yourself. (No…not like that!) Capturing someone’s attention can be as simple as imagining that you feel a cool breeze or a tickle on your skin and are “unconsciously” reacting by mirroring the sensation with your fingers. Practice running fingertips across your throat or the top of your chest; drag them over your shoulder and down the side of your arm. These moves can send an “innocently” sensual signal. You’ll want to save this tactic for when you’re deep into a conversation and avoid doing it more than once or twice. Like the act of sensually applying lipstick while someone watches – a no-no in polite company but ultra come-hither when flirting – self-touch can be a powerful move. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t want to pull the trigger on the big guns of flirtation unless you’re hankering for return fire.

Start practicing the art of body talk in situations where the outcome isn’t terribly important, and you’ll be surprised how soon these moves become second nature. Then your confidence will soar, along with your fluency as a RL flirt!

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

The Art of Flirting Online

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker: How to Transition from Online Femdom To Real Time I hear some version of this sad story nearly every day:

Online we were so good, so hot, it was easy to talk to and tease each other. I thought it would be just as good when we met, but instead it felt so awkward. We never recovered from that, and our online thing just petered out.

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker Interested in Femdom: How to Transition from Online To Real Time

Even if you’re sporting a well-developed persona online, it won’t necessarily transfer to RL Femdom practices. The reasons are varied, but the most important has to do with the fact that you are so much more relaxed and attentive behind the monitor. Your brain isn’t over-flowing with worries like “what does he think of me?” or “does she think I’m as phat as I think she is?” The boundary between cyber and RL is getting slimmer every day, but it’s still thick enough for cyberplay to continue being more protective of our egos than RL. In a relaxed and uninhibited state, it’s much easier to flirt. You can be fearless! And that’s the key right there. In real life, you become more of whoever you are when you’re afraid. That is, if you tend to be tongue-tied when afraid, or if you get overly talkative or more aggressive and confrontational, those qualities come to the forefront, hiding some of your most desirable aspects. In fact, they hide the very qualities that come across so well online.

To make matters worse, fear impedes your ability to control your body talk. When anxious, all your little quirks are exaggerated, and your capacity for strategy goes out the window. That may be your most serious handicap, because seductive body language is the secret to winning the game-set portion of any RL match.

Eighty percent of a first impression rests on how you move, stand, make eye contact, and express your interest nonverbally. Very little of the first impression comes from what you say. The tone of your voice – that is, the sound and cadence of it, not the words themselves – also weighs in. If your voice is weak and shallow, if your body is pulled back and stiff, or hyperactive and fidgety, you can blow things at hello. Why is this particularly important for social networkers to know? Your relationships online are based almost entirely on language use and its impact upon perception. You come alive to others through the words you use. Your body language, which could probably be best described as “slumped over the keyboard,” has little to do with the impression you make. Flirting in real life means honing a communication style in which social networkers tend to be least fluent. The anxiety and awkwardness you feel in RL is understandably a reflection of lack of comfort with your body and insufficient practice using it as your communicator.

Of course, the smarts that you play with online are as valuable in RL as anywhere in cyberspace – they just aren’t usually the meat of a first impression, nor are they sufficient to give you confidence as a bona fide flirt. To become comfortable in RL, new learning can’t develop inside your head or through an avatar; it requires actual practice. In that respect, flirting is a lot like dancing. You need to release fear and relax your body, while simultaneously paying attention to your movements. Yes, “relax and concentrate” sounds almost paradoxical – which is why, like dancing, flirting has to be practiced. You can’t head-trip your way to a successful flirting style – you have to do the physical deed over and over again until your body owns the experience.

Here are suggestions for flirt-worthy moves that you can practice daily with almost anybody.

After you’ve mastered them, you’ll feel more confident and in charge of yourself when approaching someone whose response truly matters.

  • 1) Sit and stand straight; move with confidence. Proper posture really does matter a lot! Watch some of your favorite actors move with easy grace on screen and follow their lead. Don’t swivel or swagger; don’t over-do; just relax and move like you’re perfectly happy to share your billions of dollars and even greater wealth of heart. Remember that when you meet someone, the way you silently enter the room and sit down will be your first impression, and this can carry more weight than anything you do with your mouth open over the subsequent hour.
  • 2) Use your eyes to connect. The more intimate you want to be with someone, the broader your “zone of attention” can be. In business, you want to look primarily at the upper face as you “meet their eyes.” This term is a bit misleading though, because you don’t want to stare straight into someone’s eyes at all. Rather, shift your focus from eye to eye or take in their eyes and whole face simultaneously. When you are intimately interested in someone your zone of attention can become more encompassing, often taking in the most alluring bits: chest, shoulders, lips. Watching someone’s lips as they talk can be flirtatious and signal you are thinking thoughts about their mouth that go far beyond speech. In any social situation, though, you want to be looking at the person you’re talking with – never down at your hands, at the floor, over their shoulder, or around the room. This takes lots of practice, especially for social networkers who are adept multi-taskers. If your attention wanders easily to the newest incoming stimulus, you’ll need to put a strong rein on this habit.
  • 3) Shift your body subtly in the direction of the other person, as if they are the sun and you are a vine that grows toward the light. For instance, lean forward a little as the other person speaks; angle your body in their direction rather than away; cross your leg so that your toe is pointing at them.
  • 4) Mirror: Watch the other person’s body language and mirror their positive moves. If they take a sip of their drink and then lean forward, wait a moment and do something similar – but not necessarily an exact imitation. If they cross their leg in your direction, wait 40-60 seconds and do the same. Yes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In this case, you’re saying, “I like you” with your gestures and forming an unspoken connection.
  • 5) To increase the intensity of flirtation, use touch. As you’re speaking, emphasize a point by lightly touching the other’s arm or knee. Lean in when you’re laughing and touch them as if to underscore the joke. This will suggest a certain intimacy (unless it suggests drunkenness!) and might even be viewed as a come-on, so be judicious here. You don’t want to do this in business or with someone you aren’t interested in pursuing, unless you are close friends and touch comes naturally.
  • 6) Match your body talk and vocal tone. Again, pay attention to your favorite actors and actresses in roles where they seem to be flirting. Notice how body and the voice compliment one another. Watch a scene depicting flirtation in a foreign film, then turn off the subtitles (DVDs usually let you do this in set-up). Notice how vocal inflections and conversational melodies work with body language to signal sexual interest, even in the absence of understandable dialog. This just goes to show how little the actual words matter – quite unlike the online experience, where words transmit 98% of the message.
  • 7) If you’re a woman, touch yourself. (No…not like that!) Capturing someone’s attention can be as simple as imagining that you feel a cool breeze or a tickle on your skin and are “unconsciously” reacting by mirroring the sensation with your fingers. Practice running fingertips across your throat or the top of your chest; drag them over your shoulder and down the side of your arm. These moves can send an “innocently” sensual signal. You’ll want to save this tactic for when you’re deep into a conversation and avoid doing it more than once or twice. Like the act of sensually applying lipstick while someone watches – a no-no in polite company but ultra come-hither when flirting – self-touch can be a powerful move. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t want to pull the trigger on the big guns of flirtation unless you’re hankering for return fire.

Start practicing the art of body talk in situations where the outcome isn’t terribly important, and you’ll be surprised how soon these moves become second nature. Then your confidence will soar, along with your fluency as a RL flirt!

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

Recovering after a line is crossed

Recovering After an Erotic Line is crossed

The sexual imagination may know no limits, but the human body and psyche certainly do.

Your emotional and physical sensitivity can far exceed your conceptual ability to toy with novel erotic experiences.

When exploring fantasies, having a safeword is always wise. If something feels wrong, you can stop the action immediately with one well-timed syllable. But what happens when a safeword isn’t invoked quickly enough? If you’re on the receiving end of sensation (i.e. the “bottom”), what happens if your partner speeds past a limit faster than you can conjure the idea of “RED?” Or, if you’re the active player (i.e. the “top”), what do you do when a scene takes a downturn before you recognize the signs that it’s starting to tank? In the best cases, people learn the most from these situations, and use them to fuel their growth as players, lovers and partners. In the worst cases, self-doubt or blame becomes crippling to future play, or a promising relationship is poisoned by a careless transgression.

Is there any way to recover from a disastrous faux pas and regain your comfort? Absolutely! That is, if you’re willing to use the limit-breaking episode as a key lesson in your erotic education. Take Anne and Curt, for example:

Anne and Curt had been seeing each other for a few months, happily exploring fantasies of what we call “power exchange,” i.e., bondage, s/m, dominance and submission. Both had prior experience – but not of an identical type – which made them eager to try out activities that were new and a bit of a stretch for each of them. They were a great team until, in one moment of dramatic miscalculation, everything fell apart.

Curt was planning to surprise Anne with a new sensation: [[wax play|hot wax]] dribbled over her body, starting with her backside. He’d bound and blindfolded her, hoping to enhance the intensity of her excitement by blotting out distractions and amplifying her feelings of “helplessness.” But, Curt’s good intentions were lost on Anne. When the first unexpected dribble of liquid wax seared her bare bottom, she felt a hot pain so startling that, despite being tied wrists to ankles, she jettisoned her body across the room as far from Curt as she could get. “What the F—K!” she screamed, furious and sobbing.

Curt was mortified by her reaction. How could something he thought would excite her cause such terror instead? Anne was so shaken that it was a few minutes before she would even let Curt come close enough to untie her. How did this scene go so horribly wrong?

First, Curt had been careless. He had not only failed to discuss hot wax with Anne at any point in their prior negotiations, but he’d also failed to ensure that when he did use wax, it was initially merely warm – not so hot it could shock her system. Second, Anne didn’t know that she’d hate having hot wax poured on her body until Curt did it unexpectedly…and poorly. Being both blindfolded and bound increased the intensity of the experience and it also added a level of risk that, as it turned out, was probably excessive when paired with a new and precarious sensation. True, Anne might have loved both the feeling and the surprise. (Curt thought she would because his former girlfriend had.) But Anne was different than Curt’s ex – a different woman with different sensitivities and responses – and she was traumatized in a fraction of a second by a limit she didn’t know she possessed. From that point on, her willingness to trust Curt’s discretion was severely compromised – as it probably should have been.

The gift of experiences like this is that they tell you when you are moving too fast, going too far, and perhaps not paying sufficient attention to each other’s subtle signals. More accidents occur in the name of pacing than any other benign process. An unpleasant episode need not be a disaster, however, if it is seen as a call to focus on communicating in much greater detail, and to progress more slowly in areas of play where the edges are unknown.

The truth is that when you play with fire – and erotic adventures are fire – you will get burned from time to time. What happened between Anne and Curt can and will happen in various ways to everyone who is in the least bit sexually daring. Consider their story as a cautionary tale that should be factored into your every encounter. And remember that “safe, sane and consensual” is not an empty phrase, nor meant to impact only the farthest extremes of play. “Consensual” also means that anyone who plays with erotic energy should, by definition, consent to take responsibility for their part in what goes right and their part in what goes wrong.

Anne can regain her comfort zone most surely if she refuses to feel victimized by this experience and instead realizes that she could and should have put in place the kind of simple ground rules that would have prevented it, or at least ameliorated her shock. Since she hadn’t known Curt for long, it would have been wise for her to negotiate a “no surprises” rule. That is, before Curt tries something brand new, he should make sure that she is OK with it, at least in theory, and he should prepare her so that she is an involved participant. “No surprises” is, for some people, an operational necessity – for others, not so much; at least not until they are on the receiving end of a surprise they don’t like!

Curt needs to learn from his incautious preparation and reconsider his tendency to make faulty assumptions: If partner “A” likes something, surely partner “B” will, too. Not so. He’ll be a better play partner if he accepts that with new partners, baby-steps are better than giant leaps. Curt needs to promise Anne that before he adds a new twist to their play he will talk to her about what he has in mind. When someone has been scared or hurt, above all they need to feel a sense of partnership in each ensuing encounter, so that they can rebuild trust in their partner and – even more importantly – trust in their own ability to handle the emotional and physical fallout of their experiences.

Sometimes, when a scene goes bad, a confident bottom will brush it off as no big deal, while the top is scarred by the event. There are many more self-castigating tops than there are daredevil tops, and they need to be reminded that mistakes should not be grounds for relentless self-criticism. Learning to forgive yourself and move on may be one of the most precious lessons your fantasy life can teach.

Forgiving and forgetting comes most easily when you quickly operationalize the lessons of your experience. As kids, we’re told that if we fall off a bike or a horse, we need to get right back on. Well, a tumble during fantasy-play demands the same grit, whether you’re a top or bottom. Unless the activity is truly offensive, try the “bad” scene again – but do it very differently. Discuss every detail, read more about the activity, and practice it in shorter, softer bits. As a bottom, use a tier of safewords to slow things down and retain control. (“Yellow” or “mercy” is a way of saying “lighten up” without forcing the action to a halt.) Cooperate with one another. Check in often to see if your partner is OK. Remember you are not doing this just for thrills, but to replace the memory of a painful encounter with mental images of thoughtful, successful practice. And it’s fine if this doesn’t initially send you to the moon – after all, you’re just working out the kinks. In the end, the activity may be one you choose to scrap altogether, or you may find that it’s pure bliss once that all-important trust is in place again. Either way, you’ve turned an unpleasant faux pas into wisdom.

And that’s a good scene – whether or not it’s a hot one.

**About the Author:**

psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sx Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article: Dr. Davidson (c) CollarNcuffs.com

online sexuality a place to grow

Every time there’s a new innovation in technology, people apply it to sexual expression. The printing press? Chaucer’s bawdy tales put English on the map. Photography? Brand-new “French” postcards made life in the Civil War bearable. Cars? That’s how lovers’ lanes started. Every such enhancement of sexuality appalls some observers, who predict a virulent outbreak of promiscuity and depravity that will destroy civilization. The video game now joins this distinguished history – both in its sexual applications, and in the fear these usages have inspired.

I spoke at the first annual Sex in Video Games conference in San Francisco in June. The conference covered various genres, from the poke-the-doll version played by solitary individuals, to the alternative universe version played simultaneously by hundreds of thousands of men and women. We can deride these computer games as a juvenile waste of time, but their usage is a fascinating window into human eroticism. For example, why does every large multi-player alternative reality game eventually evolve virtual prostitution? Why do so many players feel free to indulge in a wider level of sexual experimentation – and communication – than they do in “real life”?

Sooner or later, someone always worries that playing these games will seduce people into withdrawing from their real lives. While this isn’t an unreasonable concern, it frequently expresses prejudice. There is a stigma attached to online activity, negative assumptions about the activities and the players themselves. Uninformed critics – including psychotherapists – speculate about game-playing being a form of avoidance, leading to isolation, encouraging superficiality, and supporting psychological laziness. In other words, people who interact with others in online worlds are losers; instead of reading comics or shooting pool, losers now populate virtual worlds and online communities. This is a dual prejudice – about both sex and about online worlds. We could just as easily investigate how games facilitate enriched interactions, both online and in “real life.”

Assumptions that online sexuality is shallow betrays a simplistic (and rather common) view of sexuality. When asked, most adult men and women reveal that the emotional and psychological features of sexual experiences are their most compelling parts. That’s why people describe “foreplay” as more mental than physical preparation. That’s why most S/M involves words and symbols more than the application of whip to flesh. And that’s why so many people prefer lingerie to nudity – because it invites the imagination to participate in the looking. The popularity – and depth of experience – of online sexuality proves this once again. People who casually (or angrily, for some reason) condemn online sexual experiences as barren might as well pathologize people who would rather cuddle or kiss than have intercourse. Are those outercourse gourmets afraid of closeness? Anxious about performance? A more sophisticated observer might wonder, in contrast, if such people are more erotically focused, with a wider sexual vocabulary.

Many psychologists and marriage counselors are uncomfortable with “real world” sex, and even more so when the sex is online. Most professionals get virtually no training in the nuances of alternative sexuality – again, sex that honestly admits the enormous role of imagination, psychological experimentation, and self-acceptance – and so of course online sex can look barren or silly. It’s time that therapists (not to mention “morality” leaders) educated themselves about the complexity of human eroticism, rather than relying on simplistic dichotomies of “intimate and healthy” versus “perverse” or “addictive.”

If you spend a lot of time online, if some of your major relationship or sexual experiences are online, only you can decide whether your activity is more nurturing or more isolating. As in all sexual and relationship ventures, the first step is being honest with yourself.

About the Author:

Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for 25 years. He has aimed his entire career toward a single set of goals: telling the truth about sexuality, helping people feel sexually adequate & powerful, and supporting the healthy sexual expression and exploration of women and men.

Marty has written five books and over 100 articles on sexuality. His books have been acclaimed by everyone from USA Today to The California Therapist to the Playboy Advisor. He has also written and published 7 sets of training CDs for therapists. His wit and expertise make him a frequently-quoted expert appearing in Newsweek, USA Today, The New York Times, and even Ann Landers. A tireless speaker, Marty has given over 600 keynote speeches, training programs, and popular lectures to professional and lay groups across the country. He has also trained professionals in countries including Russia, Israel, Morocco, Latvia, Austria, Turkey, and Croatia.

Marty publishes Sexual Intelligence, the monthly online newsletter about culture, politics, the media, and sex. It goes to 5,000 subscribers and can be seen at www.SexualIntelligence.org. Known and respected by his colleagues, Marty has been honored by both the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality and the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists.

Article Dr. Marty Klein © CollarNcuffs.com

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