Tag: Femdom

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What is BDSM?

Table of Contents

Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) is any situation where people – of their own free will and choice – magnify the personal power elements between them and act this out for their pleasure. This may be sexual pleasure, but it does not always have to be.

2. Are there different forms of BDSM?

Yes there are many different forms of BDSM. The two main forms are these:

  • Lifestyle BDSM – This is the form where partners embed BDSM elements in their relationship in some way.
  • Kink or fetish BDSM – This is the form where people, occasionally, seek to use power elements, predominantly for their sexual pleasure, without turning it into a lifestyle.

One is not more important, or more real, than the other. The two forms are just different. Quite often people grow from “kink” to “lifestyle”

3. Is BDSM abnormal?

There are power elements in all forms of human behavior: at work, at home, in politics, in sports and in (sexual) relationships. Magnifying the power element in your relationship is not abnormal. The current opinion among professionals (laid down in various diagnostic manuals, such as the American Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) is that consensual power exchange between informed and well-adjusted adults is normal and harmless (sexual) behavior.

4. What “causes” BDSM feelings?

It is not entirely clear to science, why some people are attracted to BDSM and others are not. It appears that genetic encoding may have something to do with this and it may also be that upbringing, social environment and education may have an influence. Fact of the matter is that the jury is still out on this one and that we simply do not know the answer. Based on research by for example the Kinsey Institute, Cosmopolitan, Time Magazine and several European universities and other sources it is estimated that between 15 and 30 percent of the adult Western population nurtures some form of BDSM emotions.

5. Why is there such a social stigma on BDSM?

A significant part of the general public opinion on BDSM is based on very outdated information, such the over 100 years old “Psychopatia Sexualis” (written by R. von Kraft-Ebing at the end of the 19th century) and research by S. Freud in the early 20th century. Also, xenophobia (fear of the unknown) plays an important role when it comes to the general opinion about BDSM and so does ill-informed coverage of the subject by excess-oriented media. Lack of reliable, dilligent scientific research on the subject also plays a part in this. Most research was done by therapists, seeking to promote themselves or their “therapy” rather than thoroughly researching the phenomena as such.

6. I hear people who are very dominant in real life are actually submissive in bed. Is this true?

The fairy tale about high profile politicians or managers seeking to be submissive in bed originates from prostitutes (“commercial mistresses”) trying to promote their services. Fact of the matter is that there is no proven connection between general social behavior and sexual behavior. Sexual behavior is a very individual thing, hence very different for individual people.

7. Are people with a BDSM-inclination not actually all victims of childhood trauma or abuse?

Scientific research has taught us that the number of people with a (juvenile or other) traumatic background is not greater nor smaller than it is in any other social group. One will find trauma victims in every social group. Having said that, the general level of tolerance within the “BDSM group” allows for more discussion about such subjects and the “BDSM community” is one of the very few social groups that actually and actively sets up help and support facilities for such cases. There is no reason why people with a trauma history should not enter into BDSM-activity, provided they seek professional help and – on a personal level – deal with the trauma FIRST and OUTSIDE a BDSM-situation.

8. At what age do BDSM-emotions emerge?

About 25 percent of the “BDSM population” (according to research by the POWERotics Foundation) has nurtured BDSM-like emotions from a very young age. Often, this group can remember being fascinated by power situations before the age of 12. Many others however “discover” their BDSM-preference at a much later stage, most often after dramatic events in their personal life, such as a divorce. The reason for this probably is in the fact that such events causes people to think about themselves, their personalities, preferences and needs.

9. Why are many people so secretive about their BDSM emotions?

Regardless the subject: it is not easy to have to tell the world you are “different”. This is true for everyone, who nurtures emotions, feelings or ideals that do not coinside with their social environment. People, brought up in a business-environment, will often have a hard time telling their parents and friends they would rather be a painter or an actress, for example. Gay people face a similar problem and so do democrats who came from a traditional republican nest. The phenomena is known as “coming out (of the closet)” (telling your environment you are different) and that is a difficult process that requires a lot of juggling between defending and explaining yourself to a probably unwilling audience. People with a BDSM-inclination face the same problem. Quite often this even leads to a situation where people – regretfully – are too scared to even tell their partner about their emotions.

10. If so many people nurture these feelings at young age, why is there so little information available for them?

Much – unfortunately – depends on the country you were born in. Fact is that in most countries sexual education in general leaves much to be desired. World wide research has shown that as much as 70 percent of the population picks up their sexual information “from the street” (i.e. friends, pornography, excess-oriented media, etcetera) and are not or very poorly educated by their parents or school. The current political climate – with very superficial and ill-informed opinions about sexuality – makes it hard for organisations to set up proper information programs in many countries. The other problem is that not everyone, who (temporarily) may nurture BDSM-like emotions during puberty and adolescence, eventually develops a persistent interest in BDSM, since much of this has to do with the more general sexual experimental phase, everyone goes through at young age. It is very important youngsters follow their own path, without too many outside influences. This forms a dilemma for organisations, seeking to provide information

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm.He the chairman for the www.powerotics.com Foundation. This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Male sexuality: Feeling Trapped

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Feeling trapped

It is not uncommon for men to feel trapped in their own life, especially not when it comes to either identifying or discovering new aspects in their sexuality. And getting out of the trap may not always be easy, especially not if your spouse is not open to this. Simply because getting out of the trap – which is not (although frequently identified as) the same as a mid-life crisis – may bring about some drastic shifts in your life. For both of you, actually.

The most blatant example is the situation where a married men “suddenly” discovers he is either gay or bisxual. This is neither sudden, nor a discovery, but in fact the men in question making room in his head for other, new ideas that he may have suppressed (consciously or not) for a long time. And this does not exactly happen in the area of sexual inclination – but also in other sexually related areas, such as discovering or identifying BDSM-emotions, crossdressing or simply discovering that there are other women as well and that there may be room in your life (and heart) for more than one.

This “life trap” – which is a very typical MALE thing – is something that has not attracted a lot of attention yet. However, it is fair to say that it can be compared to the situationof the woman who, after having raised children, wants to return to an active economic or social life and finds she’s way behind in many developments and may not be able to do what she actually wants as a result of previous choices in life (this has as little to do with the meno-pause as the male trap has to do with mid-life crisis, even though all these events may happen more or less in the same period in your life). Both men and women will not be able to escape the trap without dramatic choices in their lives.

It doesn’t always have to be dramatic – largely depending on your personal situation. Quite a few people “escape” the trap as a result of other changes in their lives, such as finding a new role and destiny in life though being grandparents, or picking up the study you always wanted to do, or career changes, which – especially for men – are likely to happen between 40 and 50. If you are eligeable for a top-management or board position, it will be around that age. To others however it will be a problem, especially if the trap either is directly related to your sexuality or has a large impact on it.

The strong defense wall

From the male point of view – which is what we are talking about here – the first thing you are likely to run into, is the HUGE defense wall your partner will build up, especially when the “trap” has sexual implecations. Most men, even trying to discuss such subjects, at some point, will have heard the “I am not good enough” argument at some point – and frequently more than once. In lots of cases that and the sound of a slamming front door will also be the last thing they hear, because that is where the relationship ends.

While the men feels he’s (trying to be) honest about himself, his partner will feel betrayed and frequently “dumped” and communication is difficult if not entirely impossibe – for a long while and possibly forever. And since the “trap” is not something that has so far been identified very well, finding help or solutions is next to impossible. The two of you will have to sort it out by yourself, one way or another.

This is the time when “affairs” start to happen or when “the internet” comes in – secret virtual meetings in chat rooms, in Internet clubs and many other fora. No, we emphasize it again, THIS IS NOT MID-LIFE CRISIS! It is feeling trapped in your own choices that may not always have been your own and it has nothing to do with hormonal changes or the fact that you are losing hair or virility – even though all that may happen at the same time. The life of most men simply is a long chain of compromizes and choices hat were right at the time but that may turn against him later. Carreer choices, partner choices, financial choices and many others. His prime – self-imposed as a result of social programming – responsibility has always been making money, building and – even more importantly – supporting his family and now that he has done all that he feels he has lost old friends and missed opportunities and discovers that there is more to life than a carreer, financial security and a family to support. His first girlfriend starts to haunt his dreams again, together with old ideas, fishing or hiking trips, the good old sports days and frequently (if he has such a background) the “happy days with his buddies in the army”). All of that of course in a happy and rosy-red perspective.

Looking for footholds

What he is doing is looking for footholds. A combination of three – very important – things:

1. (re)assurance of his choices

2. openings for new possibilities

3. (re)inventing himself

And while he feels alone (since probably no-one will (re)assure him when it comes to his life choices), he feels trapped by the situation he is in – unable to leave his relationship (because he BOTH cannot without severe consequences and probably does not want to), unable to leave his carreer (again because of servere personal and economic consequences and probably not just for himself), physically unable to pick things he used to do (because he’s out of condition) and unable to make room for himself (because of the many social, economical and family obligations AND the defense wall).

So, what to do? He’ll look for footholds. He eventually probably WILL make room for himself and to him that neither feels like betrayal nor as weakness. In fact, it is very likely he will feel this as an important achievement (in other words the “room” may be cheating on his wife, but it doesn’t feel like cheating, it feels like well-deserved personal space).

It doesn’t make any sense – if the “trap” is sexually related, regardless in what way – to come up with solutions like: take up a hobby, find an education or go have a beer with your friends. And he isn’t exactly Al Bundy either. He feels trapped and wants himself and the trap(s) to be taken seriously, quite often regardless the consequences (in other words: divorce).

The long and painful road

But it gets worse. The trap will become a trap by itself. Hardly any man WANTS a divorce, because it goes against everything he has been taught, everything that has been implanted and as a result anything he (thinks he) stands for. To the vast majority of men divorce equals (self)betrayal. So now that he identified the fact that he feels trapped and tries to find a way out or at least discuss it and find understanding, the trap in itself becomes a new, extra trap.

The only way out – except for the drastic methods, such as divorce – is through a long and painful process of communication. A process that is painful and difficult for both partners – however, also inevitable. If he feels trapped, there will be pain (either the pain of the divorce, the pain of a drastic carreer change or the pain of the communication itself). There is no way to avoid it – if the trap is there: face it!

Is there any general advice? No, not much – except maybe the assumption that the one-on-one, ever lasting, happy couple situation is probably not for everybody. In fact, modern divorce statistics show that the “happily ever after” are in fact a minority and may soon be reduced to a “happy few”. On top of that – a lot of aspects of modern society (technological changes, the economic rat race, double income families, the information-overflow and such) only come on top of that and the 1960-slogan “Stop the world, I want to get off” is probably more accurate than ever before.

At the same time: the “traditional relationship” (which in fact isn’t that “traditional” at all, but merely an invention that is only 100 years old) is rapidly replaced by a multitude of relationships: gay, lesbian, non-married couples, poly-armory, living groups, deliberate singles, you name it. Meaning that when it comes to the view of what “a relationship” should be is probably (quite rapidly) changing. Some sociologists even argue that the baby-boomers and former hippies only now start to build the type of relationships the stood for back in the 1960s and 70s. Only history will tell if they are right or wrong. Fact is that there are changes and that, if you feel trapped, you’ll probably have to do something about it.


©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He is the chairman of powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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how to approach your wife about D/s.

First things first! I want to make it very clear that the way I am suggesting a male submissive introduce his wife to FemDom is strictly my opinion. I have very limited experience and all I can share is the contrast between when I was first introduced to this lifestyle by my husband and this last time. While this last time I initiated the D/s relationship, I was still originally introduced to it by my husband. I would have had no idea what Female Domination was if he hadn’t come to me 10 years ago and expressed his desires. With that said – onto my post.

Originally my husband came to me and shared that he liked to be tied up. He approached me subtly in the context of doing something new and fresh in the bedroom. I had seen Basic Instinct and thought it was really hot when Sharon Stone had tied up Michael Douglas with silk scarves. I was game and decided to indulge my husband. After I tied him to the bed with some neck ties I thought it was fun. He seemed to enjoy it very much and I had never seen him so excited. We continued to play for a while, advancing to rope. I would say my husband was a fantasy driven submissive, possibly even a fetishist. Although he doesn’t have a particular fetish (other than possibly a foot fetish) he was totally obsessed with bondage and humiliation.

Since I really didn’t know any better the entire experience was about him and pleasing him. He focused on his wants and needs and never considered the adoration and worship of me. He assumed I enjoyed this as much as he did and was shocked when I expressed my desire to stop playing. Our regular sex life had been replaced with BDSM and our entire lives were revolving around it. It was very easy for my husband to get caught up in the sexual aspect of D/s, very easy. While we weren’t playing, he would be on the internet looking at bondage and BDSM sites. He would regularly bug me to play and “tie him up”. When regular life was taking place he was lazy and self centered. Instead of telling me how wonderful I was, he would tell me what he wanted me to do. If I wasn’t being mean enough, he would ask me to be meaner. If I wasn’t talking enough, he would ask me to talk more to him. I was left feeling that being a Domme was more of a chore than anything. Instead of him letting the process evolve naturally, he tried to force it.

He wanted the fantasy in his mind to become a reality, but what he failed to realize is reality doesn’t hold a candle to fantasy. In our fantasies there are no kids, no work, no financial responsibilities. Most women, whether FemDom or not, do not want a inanimate object to order around 24/7 and use for only sex. I am sure there are a few but most want a life partner that they can share their triumphs and tribulations with. It is purely fantasy, where a FemDom has a sub sit in the corner, waiting for her next command, always bitchy and controlling. For me there are days where the last thing I want to do is give a command. Usually on those days I want to be cuddled and told over and over how wonderful and beautiful I am. How I am my husbands whole world and he couldn’t imagine living without me. What really puts the icing on the cake is if he tells me I am the perfect woman, and he wouldn’t change a thing about me. I am human; I cry, laugh, get angry, get sick, and get PMS. I am the whole package, not a male created FemDom written about for other subs to read and jack off to. So, how would I recommend a male submissive introduce their wives to D/s: take it slow, very slow. The last thing you want to do is go to your wife and tell her all your deep dark submissive secrets. Trust me when I tell you she will completely freak out if you go to her and tell her you wish to be tied up like a mummy and forced to be fucked in the ass with a huge strap on. Down the road you might be able to tell her that but definitely not right away.

Begin with serving her. If you don’t already help with the household chores (whether she works or is a stay at home mom), start helping. Don’t ask what you can do to help her, just do it. If she regularly cooks, cook one night and let her relax and read a book. When dinner is over, clear the table and do the dishes. Maybe get a nice bath ready for her, with the works: Candles, wine, oils, soft music. If you can, sit beside the tub and rub her back and wash her. Talk about her day and how things are going in her life. Spontaneously kiss her hand while you are driving somewhere and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that you are lucky she chose you to share her life with. During your next romp in the sack, focus on her pleasure only. Go so far as to not orgasm at all. When she goes to reciprocate by pleasuring you, tell her this night was about her and only her. Sit on the floor beside her and rub her feet, especially if she works and wears high heals all day. If you have children and she normally gets them ready for bed, you get them ready, while allowing her to relax and watch TV. Make her feel like a Queen!

Eventually she will ask you what is up. Now this is the crucial time – DO NOT SPRING ON HER YOUR KINKY DESIRES! This will just convey to her that the only reason you are doing all these nice things is to get something from her. This will be the fastest way to turn her off. A woman wants nothing more than to be adored and loved. If she thinks that you are only doing these nice things to get what you want, she will feel resentment and look at you as totally selfish and self-centered. You want to ignite her Dominance with your subtle submission. You will start to notice a change in her. She will start to feel love and adoration for you in return. She will then come to you and initiate a conversation, possibly about wanting to do something to please you. This is OK. Men and women want to please each other and there is nothing wrong with your potential Domme wife wanting to do that. This is the time to gently share with her a little bit of your desires. Start with something non-threatening to her. Bondage is a great starter. Our society has embraced using silk scarves or neck ties to tie your lover’s hands to the bedpost and ravish them. She will probably not be threatened about this in the least.

Another thing you could try is surprising her with a date night. Get a sitter (if you have kids) and take her to a nice restaurant. Set up some champagne at home, with candles in your bedroom. Make one of the candles her favorite scented candle (look around the house and you will see her favorite). Have clean sheets on the bed with maybe some rose petals thrown on the bed and floor. Make sure they are red roses. Get a romantic sex game and have it set up on the bed. There are some great romantic sex games out there. If you don’t have a vibrator, get one. The rabbit or something similar is perfect. When you start playing the game there will be “Share a fantasy card” that you will get. Stack the deck if you have too. Then when you get that fantasy card, share with her a simple fantasy of being tied up and teased. That is just an example of a simple, non-threatening BDSM fantasy that shouldn’t freak her out.

Well, those are some simple pointers to start with. Just remember that in today’s society, women have so much on their plates. They work full time or stay at home raising kids all day. They have so much responsibility the last thing they want is to be responsible for you. If your wife gets the impression that this is just another thing she has to do, she will hate it. A male submissive is there to enhance his Dommes life, not hinder it. She has to see the positives in it for her, not what she has to do to keep you happy.

True male submission is adoring, loving and worshiping your Wife. You will find fulfilment and satisfaction in serving her. The bondage and spanking and humiliation is fun, but the bottom line is the adoration you have for your Domme. Just ask my husband, he would rather kiss and lick my body from head to toe, making me orgasm over and over, than being tied up and teased. Before, he only wanted the later, but now he lives to worship and serve me. He is just lucky that I like to tie him up and tease the shit out of him. But that is a whole other post.

Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost some her entries. If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog

Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted. © collarncuffs.com

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On Being Submissive

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You’re submissive, what now?

When we first discover these facets about ourselves, after the initial shock, psycho analyzing ourselves, etc, we are eager to find someone to share our lives and ourselves with. It is only natural that we seek a partner. Nobody wants to be alone. As Submissives, you have an overwhelming need to belong to and/or serve someone. This is a normal need. All experience it.

Because of this strong need to belong, many newcomers to the scene make decisions too quickly and brashly. They may meet someone weather online or in person, and because there is interest, jump ‘head first’ into a relationship with someone they barely know, just to have that sense of belonging or to feel the excitement of ownership. Experience is great, but a bad experience can ‘hurt’ in more ways than one. Wait… Now is not the time to go seeking your “one true Mistress” «< a phrase I detest .

Now that you’ve discovered this wondrous facet contained in yourself, it’s time to learn more about yourself. READ… READ…READ and read some more…I cannot stress this enough.

Take the time to learn all the different aspects of D/s, S/M, or the all-encompassing BDSM/Femdom. You don’t have to like pain, but if you do, that’s fine too. What rocks your world, may be another total turn off, we all are different but many things you’ll find the same…So explore. What’s out there? What are your options? What’s the difference between humiliation and degradation? What is scarification? What’s a St Andrews cross, a tens pad, a vampire glove? Read the resource section, learn the terms. Soak up what ever knowledge you can find…use the net for more than porn…Yes the net is more than porn; it’s your door way into a world you dream and long for.

If you don’t know what your options are, how can you make an educated decision about your life? You should not expect to find someone out there to decide that for you. You have to decide who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for in a partner, BEFORE searching for the one to whom you will give yourself. There are so many books and websites out there to read, study, and get the knowledge you need to find your partner.

Keep in mind, however, that books and websites are guidelines, not the end-all to anything. They are meant to be informative so you can make your own decisions, not recipes or directions of how it must be done. Even recipe ingredients can be substituted, and if you miss a turn, there is usually an alternate route. If you find one that says, “You must do X or else you aren’t submissive,” it’s probably not the site you want to be learning from. And, if you feel you are submissive, don’t let ANYONE tell you aren’t just because you feel differently than they do on a subject.

Okay. Now you’ve read every website you can find and every book you could get your hands on. It’s time to talk to other Submissives. Go to local munches and meetings (if there are any near you, you’ll find a list in the forum section under events), and meet others in the lifestyle, join in of forums, join the chat room you’ll be surprised what you can learn just chatting with others. Too many times, people are terrified to go to these things because they don’t know what to expect. They fear they’ll say something wrong, make fools of themselves, or get “in trouble”. No one is going to punish you, or expect anything of you at all. You’re not being interviewed for a position. We’re just people… who happen to be kinky. We sit around and talk about similar interests. Not much different if you went to a meeting about ‘painting’. Different people might talk about different paints and brushes, strokes, canvas, etc. But they all have the same interest. Painting.

We have a wonderful page here on site written by rooroo on his first experience Talk to both dominants and Submissives. (They won’t bite you…unless you want them to or provoke them LOL)… Find out what their lives are like, how they do, what they do? Ask questions, if you don’t ask you will never know. Get advice. Keeping in mind that not all advice you get from “seasoned” Submissives (or Dommes) will be good advice.

A little story about what happened to me in this regard: I often go to munches and meetings. At one of these meetings, the topic was “punishment”. I heard a statement that “Mistress hardly ever punished me“. According to his Mistress, he hardly ever requires it. Anyway, as I heard this statement, people were surprised that in the 2 years they had been together, he had only been punished once. One submissive, whom I respected, suggested that he purposely avoid some of his responsibilities to “test” his Mistress, I forget the direct quote but it was along the lines of ‘don’t fuel the car, so she runs out’… to see if She would punish him. That was about the worst advice I’d ever heard from a respected sub. His Mistress did run out of fuel in a very bad part of town, things turned out ok…but the possible outcome could have been worse. His mistress ‘trusted’ him with her safety (as you trust her) would you want a Domme who has no respect for your safety? He is submissive, why in the world would he want to upset his Mistress, or place her in danger. The moral is, while advice is a good thing, not all advice will be sound advice. So… as I often say, “Take what you like, and leave the rest.”

However, the following piece of advice is definitely worth reading. When you go to a munch, a club, a meeting, etc. Please…don’t beg entrance, curtsy, bow, or float gracefully across the room and fall gently to your knees before the Dommes, offering rose petals or whatever other lame thing is done in many chat rooms of that sort. You will be laughed off the face of the earth, dismissed as a dumb-ass, or if done in a public place, taken by the police to the nearest psych unit. LOL… No need to put on a big show or draw that kind of attention to yourself. Once in a relationship, if you’re dominant wants you to curtsy to him or her, that’s his or her call. Just be respectful and be yourself.

One of the common misnomers which irritate me is that “RESPECT must be earned”. That’s just not true. If you were out shopping and had a question, you might say, “Excuse me Ma’am, could you tell me where I can find the paper towels?” That’s showing respect.

Good manners, count everywhere in life Femdom is no different.

You know… those things our parents or guardians tried to in grain in us when we were growing up. Showing good manners is being respectful. Calling someone Sir, Ma’am, Doctor, Sgt., Professor, etc. are all examples of showing respect for someone. I use titles of that sort when talking to anyone I’m not on familiar terms with. However, in my opinion, the terms “Master” & “Mistress” should not be used lightly. Just because a woman is someone’s Mistress, doesn’t mean you must (or, should) call her that. She is that person’s Mistress, not yours. If you wish to show respect to someone else’s Master or Mistress, a simple “Sir” or “Ma’am” is adequate. Growing up, I was taught that respect should be given to everyone (regardless of societal status, employment, and later in life, whether they’re in the lifestyle or not). So I do. I respect everyone, unless and until they do something and no longer deserve my respect.

TRUST, on the other hand, is what must be earned.

If you were out shopping, would you trust the lady behind the counter to tie you up, and play with you? Would you trust her to not hurt you? Would you trust her to make decisions about your life? I certainly hope not. Going back to that ‘jumping too quickly’ and ‘needing to belong to someone’ thing, let’s expand a bit. You’ve studied, learned about yourself, and talked to others in the lifestyle. Now you’re ready to find a partner, so you start actively looking. Decide what you DO and DO NOT want in a partner. Both are equally important. Once you find someone you share an interest with, discover your compatibility. It’s very important to discuss all areas and aspects of the life and type of relationship you might be sharing with your prospective partner. It’s important to know where they stand on the D/s scheme of things. Some of the things you might wish to discuss include, but are not limited to: Dynamics of the relationship, expectations, punishment, types of play, limits, safety (including safe sex), safewords, health (mental & physical), etc. We have many of these mentioned resources articles available on CollarNcuffs.com

However, what about life in general together?

There is more to finding a partner than whether or not they are an experienced and good top/dominant. Is she a good human being? Can you trust this person not only with your physical well-being, but can you trust them to make decisions for you based on your moral beliefs? That part is often overlooked in the beginning, as the Femdom part seems to be the main focus when trying to determine compatibility. But what about things like: Bank accounts, will they be joint?; is marriage an option?; what if gets pregnant?; what if one of you cannot have children?; is religion an important issue to one or both of you?; will you be allowed, expected, or required to work outside the home?; does your prospective partner use drugs or alcohol?; what about medical care?; what about family? Find out about these and any other things that may be important to you.

When in a D/s relationship, there is a certain amount of conditioning/training/change that may take place. But, if you try to conform to the dominant’s ‘grand plan’, when it absolutely does not match your own desires and needs, then you are “settling” and are not likely to find yourself in an ideal situation. I’m not saying you have to agree on every little detail. That whole “to-may-toe/ to-mah-toe” thing isn’t a big issue, but there are many things that you may not be able to compromise on. Compromise is good…but knowing when and on what issues is vital.

Too often, some novices will settle for what they might believe is the best they can do, as opposed to what they really need. Maybe they’ve searched for months or even a couple of years without success. This can be exceptionally disheartening. However, settling for the first person that shows you attention can be disastrous. Would you go to a bar, meet a person and then run off to the Justice of the Peace and marry her that very night, that week, or even that month? Most probably not. Generic vanilla-type questions are just as important, as the D/s related ones.

GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER.

You have the inalienable right to consent. It is your choice, and that choice should not be made rashly. In getting to know your partner, she will be learning about you too. It is “imperative” that you be completely honest not only with her, but with yourself as well. Tell her what you need, what you’re interested in, what you’re afraid of, what you might want to try some time in the future, but perhaps aren’t ready for yet. If you are unsure about something, say so. If you don’t know what something is, ask. Dominants are not mind-readers… If you want something, ask… Even though it detracts from your ideal of having a dominant JUST KNOW what we want/need. Most people aren’t experts on taking hints. So, if they don’t know you want it, chances are… you won’t get it.

If you do ask, and they don’t really give you an answer, in some cases, you may have to reaffirm your interest, possibly even a few times. It might be that she simply wants to make sure it’s something you really want, and not a whim. Been there…done that…LOL… If they haven’t given you a definite a, just remind her that you really want to try it, whatever it happens to be. However, I don’t recommend nagging.

“Triggers” is another topic of importance.

Think incredibly hard about your past. The times you’ve been hurt, specific words, names, or scenarios that could cause a ‘trigger-effect’ (define this as “something that makes you cringe and/or recall vividly bad past experiences”). It’s not exactly fun to reflect on the bad parts of our past, but is important to do so in order to help avoid possibly bad situations in the future. Make sure you know each other’s limits, too. Too often, new Submissives are afraid to say “no” due to a fear of disappointing their dominant or not seeming “very submissive” if they refuse. That’s bull!!! Limits are set for a reason, and it’s ok to say no. Always, always, always play with a safe word.

Good luck and remember to enjoy!!!

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

related reading in the same section:

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

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The Nine Degrees Of Submission

This was posted to collarncuffs.com and is meant as food for thought, as an insight to where you see your own submission. Could also be used to describe your submission in Femdom to others.

The outright non-submissive masochist or kinky sensualist

Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up of control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist’s own terms for the masochist’s own pleasure (ie: being turned on solely or mainly by one’s own bodily sensations, rather than being turned on by being “used” to gratify one’s partner’s sadism).

Pseudo-submissive non-slave

Not into even playing “slave”, but into other “submissive” role-playing, e.g.: schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, “forced” transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.

Pseudo-submissive PLAY slave

Likes to play at being slave. Likes to *feel* subservient; may in some cases like to *feel* that one is being “used” to gratify one’s partner’s sadism; and may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the “slave’s” own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshippers).

True submissive non-slave

Really gives up control (though only temporarily and within agreed upon limits), but gets his/her main satisfaction from aspects of submission *other than* serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up of responsibility. Doesn’t dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seeks mainly her/his own *direct* pleasure (rather than getting one’s pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).

True submissive PLAY slave

Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief “scenes” and within limits) and gets his/her main satisfaction from serving and being used by the dominant – but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. (May or may not be into pain, but if so, is turned on by pain *indirectly*, ie: enjoys being the objects of one’s partner’s sadism, on which the submissive places few requirements or restrictions.)

Uncommitted short-term but more-than-play semi-slave

Really gives up control (though usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non-erotic as well as fun/ erotic services; but only when the “slave” is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have a long-term relationship with one’s Mistress/Master, but, either way, the “slave” has the final say over when he or she will serve.

Part-time consensual but REAL slave

Has ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship, and regards oneself as the Mistress’/Master’s “property” at all times. Wants to obey and please her/him in all aspects of life – practical/non-erotic as well as fun/erotic. Devotes most of one’s time to other commitments (eg: job) but the Mistress/Master has first pick of the slave’s free time.

Full-time live-in consensual slave

Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/ himself as existing solely for the Mistress’/Master’s use, pleasure and well- being. The slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave’s position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male (since men certainly aren’t socially pressured into this kind of lifestyle). Within the S/M world, a full-time “slave” arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.

Consensual total slave with no limits

A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn’t exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the “consent” is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn’t fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren’t really a slave unless you’re willing to do absolutely *anything* for your Mistress/ Master, with no limits at all. There are a few who claim to be no-limits slaves, but in all cases it would be reasonable to doubt the claim.

We have no ‘rights’ to this article and can’t find it’s original source. If you own this piece please let us know if you wish it removed.

Article: MissBonnie CollarNuffs.com

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

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The Male Submissive – Chivalry or weakness?

What image comes to mind when you hear the word “male submissive”? When you hear Female Domination, what is the first image that comes to mind? For me, even now, the first thing that comes to mind is a weak, pathetic man down on his knees being whipped by a leather clad Dominatrix. Even though I am living a 24/7 FemDom marriage, I still have that image that comes to mind when I hear male submissive. Why do so many people think that the male submissive is weak and pathetic? Is it because that is what most are exposed to, whether it is in main stream films or pornography on the internet? This preconceived notion is what hindered me from fully embracing D/s and FemDom in the beginning. So, could this image that has been burned into our brains effect the way women view FemDom? Of course. In my previous post I expressed my opinion on introducing your wife to FemDom. The reason I chose the route of seducing her Dominant nature was for this reason. Most women will automatically think of that pathetic weak man crawling on all fours. Yuck!!!

So, is the modern day male submissive really a knight in shinning armour? Or weak and pathetic? In my opinion they are knights in shinning armour.

Let’s take a moment to think about the modern man. For some reason they think that since women are wanting to be seen as equals in the work place, that they also want to be seen as equals outside the workplace. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for the feminist movement. I think women should have the right to vote, drive and make the same wage as a man. Just because women won this right does not mean they want to be treated as men. Women should be respected, cherished and adored. Bottom line is women should be treated like women. There have been so many times I have had a door not held open for me by a man. Or when in the grocery store and man not pulling his cart aside to let me pass first. The only thing that comes to mind when I encounter these men is how totally pathetic and idiotic they are. Nothing is more unattractive then a selfish, macho, egocentric man. A man with the attitude that women should be treated like men.

So, how are submissive men different from these other men? Submissive men adore and honor women. They hold doors open for complete strangers. They offer to let a woman pass first in a crowded isle at the grocery store. They offer to help. They don’t see women as the same as men, they see women as special.

Just this past weekend we attended a surprise birthday party. In our group there are very few FemDom couples. The surprise party was for one of the submissive men, which left two other sub men at the party. One of them was my husband and the other was the husband of a good friend. I had already told my husband he was to assist the hostess in any way she needed. She is a female submissive and is not accustomed to asking for help. My husband obeyed and helped her all night long, along with the other submissive male. It was unbelievable how attentive they both were. Instead of having to be asked to help they both jumped right in. What I think really shocked me is when my husband told me that he thoroughly enjoyed helping the hostess. The immediate gratification he got from helping was obeying my instructions. The second he got was from serving. Even though the hostess is a submissive herself she is still a woman. My husband made sure he carried heavy items for her, took care of the trash and basically did anything she needed.

At the end of the night I received one of the greatest compliments I have ever gotten. Oh, I had received compliments all night on how beautiful and hot I looked, which was great. But these last two comments I will keep in my heart forever. The hostess and one of my good FemDom friends pulled me aside and told me how amazing they thought my husband was. They were so impressed by his attentiveness. And then, there was the cherry on the top of my cake – they both, almost in unison, told me how lucky I was to have such a caring and attentive husband and submissive. What floored me is they have no idea how true their words are.

It is amazing how far my husband has come in the past 5 months. He is like night and day. He lives to please me. He is, day by day, becoming a better man, husband, father and submissive. He finally understands that I am to be cherished, and he is to be grateful to have me. He is so good to me. Even though I stay home, if at the end of the day I haven’t gotten a chance to put the clothes away, he will do it. Even though he works all day, when he gets home he will cook because he knows I hate it. Just 5 months ago he was a selfish, fantasy driven, sub-centric man. He wouldn’t open the car door for me, wait for me to walk by my side, make dinner. He might have done some of those things but you can bet he would have let me know he wasn’t happy about having to do them. 5 months ago my husband was not a submissive man by any stretch of the imagination. He thought he was, but he wasn’t. He was a pathetic, macho man that most women look at and want to throw up.

Oh, but now, he is a submissive man who is also a knight in shinning armour. When submission is truly brought out in a man they become modern day knights. They lose their resentment and stop taking life for granted. I do not know if I would feel this way today if it weren’t for the transformation I have seen in my husband. But then I guess there is nothing like a dose of reality amidts the fantasy world of movies and the internet. I am the luckiest woman in the world to be blessed by having a submissive who is not only strong and loving but who cherishes and adores me. I wish there were more truly submissive men in this world.

The bottom line is, in my opinion, the modern day male submissive is the woman’s answer to that long, lost knight. Complete with chivalry and adoration. The macho man who treats women like dirt is actually the pathetic, weak man. Maybe as our society continues to decline, more women will wake up a replace that weak image of the male submissive with one like the picture I chose to start this post with. Hopefully!!! Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost her entries. If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog

Article: Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted.

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 

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TEN basic’s FOR SUBMISSIVES interested in Femdom

1. Be Patient…A potential top or mistress /Domme will let you know if she is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don’t expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.

2. Be Humble…You may be God’s gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.

3. Be Open…You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. D/s- SM is a very personal art, and an “I already know it all” attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable D/s-SM friends.

4. Communicate…Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turnoffs. But – unless it’s an emergency – wait until your top asks. Don’t expect your dominant to be a mind-reader who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.

5. Be Honest…Don’t be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turnoffs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.

6. Be Vulnerable…Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don’t always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you’ve written in your head. It’s far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you’re never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her know it, and let her guide you into new fantasies.

7. Be Realistic…Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don’t call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment. Your top’s equipment is expensive – respect it and don’t abuse it.

8. Be really Submissive…This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don’t coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then loyal and dependable and enjoy your role

9. Be Healthy…D/s-SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants – both active and passive – be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an “I want it all now” attitude when you aren’t able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.

10. Have Fun…After all, sex/play is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative D/s-SM play.

collarncuffs@collarncuffs.com

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Myths

Table of Contents

MYTH: BDSM is abuse.

FACT:  BDSM is not abuse. The participants in BDSM are loving, caring, communicative, consensual adult partners that know the risks of what they do and the pleasures they can receive from doing them.  The actions used in consensual BDSM are negotiated, involve the communication of limits and boundaries that are not to be crossed and instill the use of a safeword that stops all action as soon as it is spoken. Everything is fully agreed upon by all parties involved.
Abuse is a pattern of controlling and manipulating the actions, thoughts and life of another person without their consent. The tactics of control (physical abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, economic abuse, and/or sexual abuse) used by batterers are not used in the context of a consensual, negotiated BDSM relationship and cannot be stopped with a safeword.
BDSM is Safe, Sane and CONSENSUAL…..Abuse is NEVER consensual.

MYTH: BDSM is all about pain

FACT: The assumption that it is all about pain is because that is the most prominent and the most conflicted with mainstream thought. Pain isn’t enjoyable to all people and you don’t have to enjoy pain to be into BDSM. Maybe you only like bondage, or maybe it’s the power exchange that you are really drawn to. Either way it doesn’t have to involve pain at all. For those that it does involve pain, they also enjoy other aspects of the BDSM lifestyle.
People are wired differently. Studies have shown that sexual arousal stimulates endorphin production (naturally occurring hormone that masks pain and produces feelings of euphoria). That production can also be stimulated by BDSM. This gives rise to the concept of pleasure/pain. Some submissives get enjoyment in the thought that they are accepting pain for their Dominant. Others simply enjoy the heavy sensations. They can often go quite a long time and can achieve an endorphin high that is remarkably similar to orgasm.  Almost all of BDSM play is not about the pain, but the excitement that comes from the sensation of the pain and mentally pushing past those barriers to reach that state of total bliss.
BDSM is about enjoyment, stimulation, pleasure, and most of all, trust.  It is about eliciting emotions through activities that may appear harmful but are actually carefully orchestrated.  BDSM is never done with the intent to harm or endanger and never done in anger or times of stress.
While some players seek pain in a manner that is pleasurable to them, many other players seek sensations and stimulation through a variety of other forms of BDSM. The range of actions in BDSM is quite broad and most participants do not enjoy all of the activities or roles. In fact, many BDSM practitioners prefer cross-dressing, bondage, mild spankings and control, known as Dominance and submission. For many it is being able to give up control and be under the will of another that gives them the most pleasure.

MYTH:People in BDSM are into pain and like to hurt each other.

FACT: BDSM activities are regulated between partners by means of intense negotiation, the setting of limits and activities partners will not engage in and the use of safewords.
Part of the allure of BDSM is the appearance of danger. Partners may be bound, harsh looking implements are utilized and emotions may run high.  However, BDSM practices are performed in such a way that the element of danger, while still present in appearance, is practically eliminated.  Partners – even casual partners – have respect and care for each other, and work together to avoid physical and emotional trauma.
While the use of a BDSM ‘toy’ or ‘implement’ may look painful, pain is perceived differently from person to person. A light flogging may be too intense for one person, while a heavy flogging may be perfect for someone else.  Some people who practice BDSM are truly into pain, but the majority of practitioners utilize increasing doses of strong physical sensation through BDSM activities to accomplish a higher goal – the production of those endorphins within the body!  The intensity of the sensations are carefully controlled by communication between partners in order to assure the submissive partner’s comfort and to prevent the experience of unwanted pain.

MYTH: People who engage in BDSM were all abused as children.

FACT:  While this seems to be an assumption made mostly by psychologists or counselors, there is no documented proof that BDSM activities, or the desire to engage in them, come from childhood abuse or trauma.  Like all communities, there is usually a small percentage of individuals for whom this may be true, but for the majority, it is not, and sweeping generalizations tend to further stigmatize our diverse needs.
While some people who practice BDSM may be survivors of childhood abuse there are many more that have never experienced abuse in childhood or in adulthood. There is no cause and effect relationship between childhood abuse and becoming a BDSM practitioner.

MYTH: Only gay men practice anal sex.

FACT: A person’s interest in anal play has nothing to do with attraction to the same sex. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation or gender identity, and every thing to with enjoyment of the sensations created. People in the BDSM lifestyle can be Gay, Straight, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender, just as Vanilla people can be any of those as well. Both men and women engage in anal play in the BDSM Femdom lifestyle. Just as sexual orientation is who you are, the desire to engage in anal play is also who you are and what you need to be. Partnerships range from Male Dom/male sub to Male Dom/female sub to Female Domme/male sub to Female Domme/female sub.

MYTH: The Dominant partner is a control freak.

FACT: People who take on a Dominant role in BDSM / Femdom like to engage in CONSENSUAL control of a partner for the partner’s pleasure.  Dominants negotiate with their partners and then engage in the type of ‘control’ their partner desires.Don’t confuse Dominant with domineering. A domineering person is somebody overbearing who likes to control others all the time, whether the other person likes it or not.In BDSM, the submissive willingly gives up the control to the Dominant, who takes that control, combines it with his own energy and redirects it back to the sub. Each gives up something to the other so that, together, they can achieve the pleasures they are both looking for.  

MYTH: I am a Mistress, so everyone must respect me.

FACT: Says who? Anybody can give themselves a title. It’s what we do and how we handle ourselves that defines us. This is not about giving yourself a title, it’s about the attitude behind the title. Which would mean more?… someone calling you Master / Mistress because you ordered them to; or calling you Master / Mistress because they respect you for your love, honor, compassion and integrity? 
Ultimately submissives have the final say. They can submit or not, they can give respect or refuse you.  No one deserves a rank or title just because they hold the Dominant role or because they say so. Respect is earned, not assumed. A Mistress who has to demand respect, has not earned it and is therefore not truly deserving of it.

MYTH:The submissive partner is weak.

FACT: Not by a long shot! The majority of submissives involved in BDSM /Femdom are strong, self-sufficient individuals, who have intense and high-powered occupations. They feel the need to practice the submissive role because it is a means of escape for them from having to make decisions. It is very common to find lawyers, doctors, CEO’s and politicians who practice the submissive role. They know what they want and participate of their own free will. There are a lot more submissives on the scene than Dominants.
This is probably one of the biggest myths about the BDSM/Femdom lifestyle. The vanilla society perceives submission to be a weakness because they do not understand the dynamics of submission. The opposite is what is true.  It takes a very strong person to trust completely in another person to the point of turning control of their body, mind, heart and life over to them. In fact, being a submissive and being able to trust someone like this, makes them even stronger and more confident. It is indeed one of the strongest things a person can do.
Men who are submissives, are especially some of the strongest and most confident in the lifestyle. They are able to come to a Dominant and fully submit when the world around them tells them they should be in control. They are able to take down the walls that they put up for the outside world and become who they truly wish and need to be.

MYTH: All submissives are expected to act a certain way.

FACT: Why? If everyone was the same, this would be a very boring world indeed.  The best way to act for all participants, whether Dominant or submissive, is to be yourself. Submissives don’t all come prepackaged from a BDSM/ Femdom training camp!
Submissives in a relationship would be expected to act how their Master has trained them to act. This varies from couple to couple. To each their own, there is no right or wrong. Unattached submissives should be polite and courteous, as this will go a long way towards finding a Dominant and getting that play date.
At private clubs, submissives are expected to act a certain way, as are Dominants, but everyone should know that going in. Some clubs can be pretty formal, but most tend to be more laid back. As long as the club rules and safe-sane-consensual are followed at all times, everyone is allowed to do their thing. Some couples are very formal, while others prefer to be more relaxed. Neither is necessarily right, just different. Private club rules have to be followed, but they would never try to squash a person’s individuality.

MYTH: BDSM is all about sex.

FACT: BDSM can be intensely sensual, but it doesn’t have to be intensely sexual. To say that sex never occurs in BDSM is a lie. It’s just that it doesn’t have to. BDSM play is sexual for some but this is not true for everyone. There are some who practice BDSM who do not experience any sexual arousal. Many people have wonderful, high as a kite experiences without any sexual contact at all. They find that endorphin high through the broad variety of BDSM activities.
Being in the scene also doesn’t mean you are automatically going to get laid. Using a position in the scene to coerce sex, non consensually, is NOT what BDSM is all about.

MYTH: People who engage in BDSM Femdom are all promiscuous.

FACT: Just like in all communities, there are some members of the BDSM Femdom community who are a bit freer with their bodies and will engage in any type of activity with just about anyone, but the majority of people within the BDSM community, especially those who are married or in long term relationships, are monogamous in one way or another.
Some partners are completely monogamous – they do not play or have sex with any other people in any way whatsoever. Other partners will engage in physical play, like flogging, spanking, or teasing with others, but will not engage in any type of sexual activities with them.  And others will engage in physical play and some sexual activities, but not anal or vaginal penetrative sexual activities.

MYTH: BDSMers are all people who live on the fringes of society.

FACT:  It is believed that because BDSM isn’t widely accepted that the only people who participate are lower class, criminal types, secretive people and others that aren’t accepted in mainstream openly. This is simply not true. The need to be involved in BDSM is in your blood, it is the way a person is wired. There are very prominent people into BDSM, from all walks of life, all over the world.
No one is excluded. BDSM practitioners are lawyers, doctors, politicians, teachers and businessmen.  We are students, housewives, waiters, members of the PTA and that nice teller at the bank.  We go to church, spend holidays with our families and laugh at silly comedies. We have probably treated you at your local hospital, waited on you at the grocery store and walked past you on the street. We are just like everyone else.

This myth is prevalent because so many people have to keep their sexuality a secret because of the negative repercussions of society. Discrimination is still strong when it comes to BDSM, mostly because people don’t understand it and don’t want to understand it. It is not abuse, it is not violence. So many states still rule BDSM and Femdom behavior as assault and that pushes people even further into secrecy.
It’s who we are, not where we came from or what we do that should matter in our lives. But sadly, ignorance towards BDSM/Femdom runs rampant in this world.

Resource Article : MissBonnie

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