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Exploring Femdom Online Play: A Guide to Cyber D/s Dynamics

Table of Contents

Introduction to Femdom and D/s Online Play

Femdom, short for Female Domination, and D/s, which stands for Dominance and submission, are compelling facets of the BDSM community. These dynamics revolve around power exchange, where one individual assumes a dominant role, exerting control and authority, while the other adopts a submissive role, yielding to the dominant’s power. In the realm of online play, these dynamics take on unique characteristics and appeal, distinct from traditional, in-person BDSM interactions.

The rise of the internet has revolutionized how individuals explore and engage in Femdom and D/s relationships but it has also increased the scams, fakers and those out to rape your wallet. Online platforms provide a safe and accessible space for people to connect, communicate, and experiment with these dynamics, regardless of geographical constraints. Unlike face-to-face interactions, online play emphasizes psychological engagement and imaginative role-play. Participants often use text, voice, or video communication to establish and maintain their roles, creating immersive experiences that rely heavily on mental and emotional stimulation.

Never visited a chatroom: Our chatroom’s provide a safe(r) environment that caters to text, voice, or video communication

The appeal of engaging in Femdom online is multifaceted. For some, the anonymity afforded by the internet allows for greater freedom and expression. Enabling them to explore desires and identities that they may feel uncomfortable revealing in their everyday lives. Additionally, the lack of physical presence can enhance the intensity of the psychological power exchange, as the focus shifts to verbal commands, written instructions, and the submissive’s compliance.

Furthermore, online platforms offer a wealth of resources and communities for those interested in Femdom and D/s dynamics. These include communities like CollarNcuiffs.com, forums, chat rooms, and educational websites where individuals can learn, share experiences, and seek advice from others with similar interests. The digital landscape thus fosters a supportive environment for both newcomers and seasoned practitioners to deepen their understanding and enjoyment of these power exchange relationships.

In essence, the world of online play opens up new avenues for exploration and connection, allowing individuals to engage in these dynamics in innovative and fulfilling ways. Whether seeking to expand knowledge or embark on a new journey of self-discovery, the online realm offers a rich and diverse landscape for the practice of Femdom and D/s relationships.

How Femdom and D/s are Conducted Online

Femdom and D/s (Dominance/submission) dynamics have found a significant presence online, leveraging various technological platforms to facilitate interactions. The primary methods include text-based communication, voice interactions, and video engagements, each offering unique ways to explore power exchange and maintain a dynamic relationship.

Text-based communication remains one of the most prevalent means of conducting online Femdom and D/s play. Utilizing chatrooms such as CollarNcuffs, messaging apps, and dedicated BDSM websites like this one, individuals can engage in detailed conversations that explore submission, obedience, and control. Platforms such as Discord, kik, slack, rocket and telegram also provide spaces where users can join specific groups or one-on-one chats. Fostering an environment that supports both casual and in-depth exchanges.

Although saying the above, if you met here on CollarNcuffs.com and you are asked to move to another platform quickly in the beginnings of the relations as they teased promises of play but nothing “serious” happened or hadn’t discussed how thing would work going forward . Question WHY? (With your big head Gentlemen because sorry but this mostly happens with men). Most scammers will direct you to other sites to avoid detection for solicitation. They do so because where they take you, doesn’t have records that can be called on legally. Please report if do think a person is soliciting for cash, items or information. If its happening quickly, its not real. Men and Women “rarely” jump into play within hours of meeting. Scammers do, because time is money! and that is what they want.

Voice interactions add another layer to the online D/s experience, offering a more personal and immediate connection. Through applications like Skype, Zoom, and specialized BDSM voice platforms, participants can engage in real-time conversations that emphasize tone, inflection, and immediacy, which are crucial aspects of dominance and submission dynamics. Voice commands, affirmations, and discipline can be effectively communicated, enhancing the immersive experience.

CollarNcuffs.com also offer voice chat in a a public chat (please you public Dungeon if you wish others to read along) and also in private. Once you have a good report with your partner then (and only then) do we suggest moving to other applications such as skype or Zoom. Doing so will insure you are not wearing a target. Doing so removes RISK.

Video interactions take online Femdom and D/s play to another level, providing a visual and auditory dimension that closely replicates in-person sessions. Using video conferencing tools, dominants and submissives can engage in live sessions where visual cues and body language play a significant role. This method allows for a more comprehensive expression of control and submission, as both parties can see and respond to each other’s physical presence and actions.

Regardless of the medium, setting clear boundaries and establishing consent are paramount in online Femdom and D/s dynamics. It is essential to have open and honest communication before any play begins, discussing limits, safe words, and the nature of the relationship. Ensuring mutual respect and understanding helps create a safe and consensual environment where both dominants and submissives can explore their roles fully and securely.

If you are offered only one way Cam. Use your head and question why? Questioning is what will keep you safe(r) Granted a woman may want time to look her best. This reason is understandable. But you may also be Camming with a man or a person with a fake profile. Or a person whose intentions are scam or blackmail you.
A broken cam can also be a thing, we all have mishaps but cams are cheap to replace. Simple solution DO NOT play until that other cam can be replaced. Multiple reasons are given for not being able to cam. Some are correct but most are manufactured reasons. No Cam to Cam back away! Why should you be the only one putting yourself out there? Danger Danger Will Robin…ok you get the idea!
danger danger
(Sorry, I expanded on the metaphor just because I wanted to work this gif in from Lost in Space! 🤖 🚀 😂)

Essential Tools and Equipment for Online Play

Engaging in online Femdom and D/s play necessitates a few essential tools and equipment to ensure a seamless and immersive experience. Firstly, a reliable internet connection is paramount, as any interruptions or lag can disrupt the flow and diminish the intensity of the interaction. Whether it is a high-speed broadband connection or a robust mobile data plan, stability and speed are crucial.

A computer or smartphone serves as the primary device for these online interactions. Modern devices offer a range of functionalities that can enhance the experience, such as high-resolution screens, advanced audio capabilities, and compatibility with various apps and platforms. While a smartphone provides the convenience of mobility, a computer may offer a more expansive view and better multitasking capabilities.

Various apps and platforms are instrumental in facilitating online Femdom and D/s play. Video conferencing tools like Zoom, Skype, or dedicated BDSM platforms offer features such as screen sharing, private messaging, and virtual backgrounds, which can add layers of complexity and richness to the dynamics. Messaging apps like Telegram or Signal can be used for instant communication, allowing for real-time commands and responses.

For an enhanced experience, optional tools like webcams and microphones can significantly contribute to the realism and intimacy of the interaction. A high-quality webcam ensures clear video, which is essential for visual cues and expressions that play a critical role in D/s dynamics. An external microphone can capture voice nuances more accurately, adding to the authenticity of the commands and responses.

Here at CollarNcuffs we have a voice feature to our chat. A simple safety check you can do. Ask your potential partner to leave you a message! Rarely does a PC or mobile phone NOT have a microphone. Even most headphone and ear buds now have built in audio functions. Granted maybe due to circumstance or location that cannot achieved at the time but this simple request cannot be avoided 24/7 EVERYBODY can do this, at some time that suits and often relatively quickly in a short time frame. Someone pretending to be what they are not, will struggle with this.

Other accessories, like Bluetooth-controlled devices, can also be integrated to create a more tactile experience. These devices can be remotely operated, allowing the dominant to exert control over the submissive’s sensations, thereby bridging the physical distance. Such tools can be synchronized with the online session, adding an extra dimension to the power exchange.

In conclusion, having the right tools and equipment is vital for effective online Femdom and D/s play. By leveraging the technology available, participants can create a compelling and immersive experience that transcends the limitations of physical distance.

Cam Play: Bringing Visual Elements to Online D/s

Cam play offers a unique opportunity to enhance the dynamics of dominance and submission (D/s) by incorporating visual elements into online interactions. Utilizing webcams can create a more immersive experience, allowing both parties to observe and respond to each other’s physical cues and actions in real-time. Setting up a cam play session involves several steps to ensure both technical readiness and the maintenance of D/s dynamics.

To begin, ensure your webcam is properly set up and positioned. Good lighting is crucial; natural light or soft artificial light can help illuminate your face and surroundings without casting harsh shadows. Position the camera at eye level to create a more intimate and direct line of sight. Test the video quality and internet connection beforehand to avoid disruptions during the session.

During the cam play session, various activities can be performed to reinforce the D/s dynamics. These can include visual affirmations of commands, physical demonstrations of tasks, or simply maintaining eye contact to convey authority and submission. The visual component adds a layer of accountability, as the submissive can see the Dominant’s reactions and adjust their behavior accordingly.

Maintaining the dynamics of dominance and submission through visual interaction requires clear communication and established protocols. The Dominant should provide explicit instructions, and the submissive should respond visibly and audibly to confirm understanding and compliance. Establishing safe words and gestures is essential to ensure the session remains consensual and safe for both parties.

Privacy and security are paramount when engaging in cam play. Use secure platforms with end-to-end encryption to minimize the risk of unauthorized access. At CollarNcuffs we do have cam features but these are often turned off unless requested. Avoid sharing personal information and be cautious about what is visible in the background of your webcam. Consider using a virtual background or blurring tools if necessary to protect your privacy.

By carefully setting up your cam play environment and adhering to these guidelines, you can create a visually engaging and secure online D/s experience that enhances the connection between the Dominant and submissive.

Voice play, an integral facet of cyber D/s dynamics, leverages the power of sound to convey dominance and submission. Unlike text-based communication, voice play adds a layer of intimacy and immediacy, often heightening the emotional experience. Various platforms are suitable for voice play, including dedicated BDSM communication tools like CollarNcuffs although as you progress, you may want to move to mainstream applications like Skype or Discord, and encrypted messaging services that offer voice call options once you are sure the other person can be trusted. If you are asked to move these platforms before you’ve played in our chatrooms. We suggest you fill out a report. This may very well a scammer. Filing a report CollarNcuffs will investigate for you.

Effective communication in voice play hinges on several techniques. The dominant’s tone, inflection, and cadence can significantly impact the submissive’s experience. A commanding yet calm voice can establish authority, while subtle changes in pitch and volume can convey nuances of the scene. Similarly, the submissive’s responses, including vocal affirmations or expressions of vulnerability, contribute to the dynamic interplay. Clarity is crucial; both parties must articulate their needs and boundaries clearly to ensure a safe and consensual experience.

Creating a compelling scene using only audio requires imagination and descriptive language. The dominant can paint vivid scenarios, guiding the submissive through mental imagery that evokes physical sensations. Descriptive storytelling, combined with strategic pauses and varied vocal tones, can immerse the submissive in the experience. Sound effects, whether through background noises or deliberate use of silence, can also enhance the scene’s realism and intensity.

The psychological impact of voice play is profound. The human voice carries emotional weight, capable of evoking a range of responses from comfort to arousal. For submissives, hearing their dominant’s voice can foster a deep sense of connection and trust. This auditory intimacy can lead to heightened submissive states, reinforcing the power dynamics at play. For dominants, the act of guiding and controlling through voice commands can intensify their sense of authority and presence, even in a cyber setting.

Voice play, when executed thoughtfully, can deepen the D/s connection, offering a rich, multifaceted experience that transcends the limitations of text. By mastering the art of audio communication, participants can explore new dimensions of their dynamic, enriching their overall interaction.

Text Play: Crafting Dominance and Submission through Words

Text play, a central element of cyber D/s dynamics, leverages written communication to create immersive and compelling scenes of dominance and submission. This form of interaction can be carried out through various platforms such as messaging apps, chatrooms, and email, each offering unique advantages for expressing power dynamics.

Crafting detailed and vivid scenes through text requires a strong command of descriptive language. The use of evocative words and phrases can paint a clear picture of the scene, making the interaction feel more real and engaging. For instance, instead of simply stating actions, describing the sensations, emotions, and reactions can heighten the intensity of the scene. Phrases like “As your body tenses with anticipation,” or “A shiver runs down your spine as I command,” can transform a simple interaction into a deeply immersive experience.

Maintaining the flow and intensity of text-based play is crucial. Consistent and timely responses help sustain the dynamic and keep both parties engaged. It’s beneficial to establish a rhythm that mirrors the natural ebb and flow of in-person D/s interactions. This can be achieved by varying the pace of communication and incorporating pauses that build anticipation and excitement.

While text play offers significant advantages, such as the ability to engage from any location and the opportunity for thoughtful and deliberate communication, it also presents challenges. The absence of physical cues can lead to misunderstandings, and the reliance on written words demands a higher level of creativity and effort to maintain the connection. It’s important to be clear and explicit in your descriptions and to check in regularly to ensure both parties are comfortable and on the same page.

In summary, mastering or should that be Mistress ‘ing text play in cyber D/s dynamics involves a blend of descriptive language, consistent flow, and clear communication. By focusing on these elements, participants can create rich and compelling scenes that capture the essence of dominance and submission, even from a distance.

Guidance for Submissive Males: What to Say and Do

Engaging in online Femdom play requires a delicate balance of communication, respect, and attentiveness. For submissive males, navigating this dynamic involves understanding both the explicit and implicit expectations of a Domme. Clear and respectful communication is paramount. Start by expressing your desires and limits openly, ensuring that both parties are comfortable and on the same page. Articulating your boundaries not only fosters a safe environment but also demonstrates your commitment to mutual respect.

When responding to a Domme’s commands, patience and attentiveness are essential. Listen carefully and follow instructions precisely, as this showcases your dedication to the dynamic. Respond promptly but thoughtfully, acknowledging the authority and control of the Domme. Phrases like “Yes, Mistress” or “As you wish, Domme” can convey your submission and willingness to please. Always maintain a respectful tone, avoiding any language that could be perceived as dismissive or insubordinate.

In online Femdom play, demonstrating submission can be more challenging due to the lack of physical presence. However, there are still effective ways to convey your eagerness to please. Regularly check in with your Domme to ask if there is anything more you can do to serve or improve. This proactive approach shows your dedication and attentiveness, reinforcing the power dynamic. Additionally, sharing your reflections and feelings about the sessions can deepen the connection and provide valuable feedback for both parties.

Respect is the cornerstone of any D/s relationship. Address your Domme with the appropriate titles and honorifics, acknowledging their authority. Ask what she wishes to be called. NEVER assume she wishes to be Goddess or Mistress.. Be mindful of their time and energy, understanding that they may have other commitments. Patience is crucial; avoid pressing for immediate responses or demanding attention, as this can disrupt the dynamic. Instead, demonstrate your patience and willingness to wait, reinforcing your submissive role.

By integrating these practices into your online interactions, you can effectively navigate your role as a submissive male in Femdom play. Remember that each dynamic is unique, and ongoing communication is key to maintaining a respectful, fulfilling relationship.

Guidance for Dommes: What to Say and Do

For Dommes engaging in online Femdom play, asserting dominance while leading a submissive male requires a blend of authoritative presence and empathetic understanding. Clear communication forms the backbone of any successful cyber D/s dynamic. It is essential to establish explicit boundaries and expectations from the outset to ensure both parties are comfortable and consensual in their interactions.

Creating commands and setting scenes are pivotal aspects of asserting dominance. Commands should be precise, confident, and tailored to the submissive’s capabilities and limits. For instance, starting with simple, direct instructions such as “kneel” or “address me as Mistress” (or the title you choose for yourself) can help establish a dominant-submissive rapport. As trust builds, more complex scenarios and tasks can be introduced, enhancing the depth of the dynamic. Just remember to do this in private chats. Our Lounge area of CollarNcuffs chat is for social interaction. Of course if you wish to play publicly, our Dungeon room is the perfect place!

Setting scenes involves crafting a vivid, immersive experience through descriptive language. This can include detailing the environment, the Domme’s appearance, and the submissive’s role within the scenario. For example, a Domme might describe a dimly lit room where the submissive is instructed to wait on their knees, anticipating further orders. Such details can heighten the emotional and psychological engagement of the submissive, reinforcing the power dynamic.

Maintaining control throughout the interaction is crucial. This involves not only issuing commands but also responding to the submissive’s actions and feedback. A Domme should be observant, recognizing when to push limits and when to offer reassurance. Balance firmness with care by acknowledging the submissive’s efforts and providing positive reinforcement where appropriate. Phrases like “good boy” or “well done” can affirm the submissive’s obedience and dedication.

Ensuring the submissive’s comfort and consent is paramount. Regular check-ins and the use of safe words or signals can help monitor the submissive’s state of mind and physical well-being. This ongoing dialogue fosters a safe and respectful online play environment, allowing both parties to explore their roles fully.

Ultimately, the dynamic between a Domme and a submissive is a delicate balance of authority and empathy. By combining clear communication, scene-setting, and attentive control, Dommes can create a fulfilling and consensual online Femdom experience for their submissives.

Finding Play Partners Online

Finding play partners online for Femdom and D/s activities has become increasingly accessible through various platforms tailored to BDSM communities. These platforms provide a safe space for individuals to explore their interests and connect with like-minded people. One of the most effective ways to start is by joining online BDSM communities such as FetLife or CollarNcuffs. These platforms often have groups and forums dedicated to different aspects of Femdom and D/s dynamics, enabling users to engage in discussions, share experiences, and potentially find play partners.

At CollarNcuffs we even offer free E learning programs to help you find your Domme

Social media platforms also offer opportunities to find potential play partners. Twitter, Instagram, and Reddit have thriving BDSM communities where users can follow hashtags related to Femdom and engage with others through comments and direct messages. Participating in these communities requires discretion and respect for privacy, as not everyone may be open about their interests. When using social media, it is essential to be mindful of each platform’s guidelines and the personal boundaries of others.

Dedicated dating sites and apps, such as Alt.com and Kinkoo, specifically cater to individuals seeking BDSM relationships. These platforms allow users to create detailed profiles that highlight their interests, experience levels, and preferences. When creating a profile, it is crucial to be honest and clear about your desires and boundaries. A compelling profile should include a well-written bio, recent photos, and a thorough description of what you are looking for in a play partner.

Initiating conversations with potential partners requires a balance of confidence and respect. Start by reading their profiles carefully and referencing common interests in your initial message. Asking open-ended questions can help foster meaningful dialogue and demonstrate genuine interest. Building trust is paramount in any BDSM relationship, especially in an online setting. Take the time to communicate openly, establish boundaries, and discuss consent before engaging in any activities.

Mutual respect and understanding are the cornerstones of successful online Femdom and D/s dynamics. Both parties should feel comfortable expressing their needs and concerns throughout the relationship. By adhering to these principles, individuals can safely explore their interests and build fulfilling connections in the world of online Femdom play.

Enhancing Your Chances of Finding Play Partners

Finding suitable play partners in the realm of Femdom online play requires a strategic approach. The journey begins with effective self-presentation. Cultivate a profile that accurately represents your interests, limits, and experience level. Use clear, respectful language and ensure your profile picture is appropriate and reflective of your personality. Authenticity is crucial; presenting yourself honestly will attract like-minded individuals who are genuinely compatible with your preferences.

Communication skills are integral to establishing connections. Initiate conversations with a respectful tone, and actively listen to potential partners. Asking open-ended questions can stimulate meaningful discussions and help identify shared interests. Pay attention to the nuances of online communication, such as tone and context, which are crucial in conveying your intentions clearly.

Building a reputation within the BDSM community can significantly enhance your chances of finding play partners. Engage actively in forums and discussion groups. Share your knowledge and experiences, and offer support to others. This participation not only showcases your commitment to the community but also allows you to connect with potential partners on a deeper level. Regularly attending virtual events, such as webinars and online munches, can provide opportunities to network and develop relationships with fellow practitioners.

Networking is another effective strategy. Connecting with other practitioners can lead to introductions to potential play partners. Foster these relationships by being supportive, respectful, and reliable. Over time, your network will grow, increasing your visibility and chances of finding compatible partners.

Patience and persistence are essential virtues in this search. Finding the right partner may take time, but maintaining a positive and proactive approach will eventually yield results. Authenticity remains the cornerstone of this process; being true to yourself will naturally attract partners who are aligned with your desires and boundaries.

Ultimately, enhancing your chances of finding play partners in the Femdom online play scene involves a combination of strategic self-presentation, effective communication, active community participation, and a network-building approach. Embrace these practices with patience and authenticity to foster meaningful connections and enriching experiences.

Gentlemen if your still having issues finding play partners maybe look at our free E learning programs

Staying Safe While Engaging in Online Femdom Play

Ensuring safety in the realm of online Femdom play is of utmost importance. As with any Femdom or BDSM activity, it is crucial to protect personal information. Avoid sharing sensitive details such as your real name, address, or financial information unless you have established a high level of trust with your partner. Utilizing secure platforms that prioritize user privacy and data protection can significantly reduce risks. Opt for websites and applications with good reputations and robust security measures and always remember no site is 100% even governments and banks get hacked!

The establishment of safe words and signals is fundamental in online Femdom activities. These tools facilitate clear communication and help set boundaries, ensuring that all interactions remain consensual. Safe words, typically unusual and unrelated to the play, act as a signal to pause or stop the session immediately. Additionally, developing a clear set of signals for non-verbal communication can enhance the mutual understanding between partners.

Ongoing communication and aftercare is essential in maintaining a healthy and safe dynamic. Regular check-ins and discussions about limits, expectations, and experiences can foster trust and understanding. Both parties should feel comfortable expressing their needs and concerns. It is important to remember that boundaries can change, and continuous dialogue helps adapt to these changes.

Recognizing red flags in potential partners can prevent harmful situations. Be wary of individuals who disregard your boundaries, pressure you into uncomfortable activities, or exhibit manipulative behavior. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being. If something feels off, it is better to step back and reassess the situation. If your primary goal is moving from online to face to face maybe vet the person FIRST

Respecting boundaries is a cornerstone of any BDSM practice, including online Femdom play. Both Dommes and subs must honor each other’s limits and preferences. Mutual respect not only enhances the experience but also cultivates a safe and enjoyable environment.

By following these guidelines, individuals can engage in online Femdom play responsibly, prioritizing their safety and well-being while exploring this dynamic and fulfilling practice.

Resource Article : MissBonnie 2024-25

other resources not listed through out this article:

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Civility and Incivility in the Scene:

Table of Contents

lingerie clad women endending her middle finger

One of the most grave and inexplicable problems facing our community in general is the continued presence of downright rudeness. It takes many forms: gossip, arrogance, slander, ingratitude, interpersonal cruelty, Rumor-mongering, the propensity to snub, shun or belittle, a refined Sensitivity to slight paired with strident disregard for how ones actions And words effect others. It is astonishing, and terribly sad, how poorly we Get along from the viewpoint of interpersonal relationships. Why a community like ours, whose members strive for a mature outlook on power, consent and tolerance should feud with such violence and monotonous regularity is a true mystery.

In our community, we see behavior one would never dream grown adults could stoop to. We have seen SM groups who ought to get along fine, bicker endlessly and mindlessly. We have seen “leaders” whose mission appears to be the personal demolition of others whose contributions to the community might challenge their own. We know good people who have left the scene because of the cattiness, clique-mentality, and deliberate un consenting meanness. This propensity, often called “Tops disease”, is by no means limited to dominants. It is nationwide in scope affecting virtually every group we have visited in our travels.

It isn’t hard to imagine a universe where this kind of behavior never occurred at all. Aggression, power and consent, to say nothing of etiquette, are concepts SM folk deal with all the time. The BDSM community has made great strides in developing and documenting a wide variety of safe SM practices, protocols and standards for negotiation and play. Yet, strangely, the bickering, bitchiness and backstabbing goes on unabated. The last two Black Rose election cycles, have produced virtual demolition derbies of friendships over seemingly trivial issues. TES went through a similar bloodbath several years ago, in the wake of their 25th anniversary celebration. And many small groups have closed, not because of legal persecution, fiscal mismanagement or lack of membership, but due to jealously, power struggles, and malicious gossip. The wounds inflicted by incivility exceed any damage perfumed in consensual dungeon play and the emotional scarring that uncivil behavior leaves on its victims lasts longer than any bruise. You might guess that the worst of this behavior comes from scene novices but you would be wrong. Beginners, usually eager to fit in and make friends, typically deport themselves well. The worst of this behavior comes from people who have been in the scene for years. People with experience, with play partners, with contacts, are often the most judgmental,least generous, most easily-offended, readiest to slander others. It is strange,but over and over we have seen seemingly friendly newcomers arrive in the scene, become avid pupils of our craft, grow into competent players, then unexpectedly mutate into arrogance, self-importance and interpersonal ruthlessness. Many leave the community in bitterness, anger or disgrace. The civility question may play a role in the scene’s curious lack of people of color, who understand discrimination and hostility when they see it, and feel unwelcome. It hurts our leather brethren, demolishes friendships, breaks the spirit of our volunteers, cripples social groups, invites retaliation, and weakens our claim that SM is practiced by emotionally healthy, well-adjusted people. Why are we doing this? What can we do to stop it?

THE SCOPE OF THE PROBLEM: WHAT IS INCIVILITY?

We will go straight to examples. By no means exhaustive, here are some categories of incivility we encounter in the scene. The Empathy Gap: This is subtle, but actually lies behind much uncivil behavior. Not so much the presence of hatred or dislike, but an absence of empathy and kindness towards other members of our SM community. In a better world, we would all actively welcome strangers, extend cordiality, start up conversations, feel a little compassion towards others like ourselves. But, more often than not, people feel nothing in particular towards people they meet in the scene. This “inner nothingness” sets the stage for much of the uncivil behavior we find in the scene.

  • Gossip: We all do it, and yes it can be loads of fun catching up on all the latest. Plus, gossip serves a valuable purpose when inquiring about someone you may be interested in playing with. by scene standards, it is not uncivil to conduct good faith peer review while inquiring about someone’s play style, experience, and reputation. But gossip conducted with the intent to harm, or passing along dubious or inflammatory rumors is behavior that hurts the scene. In gossip, as with other things, there must be some sense of proportion. Gossip can also violate the confidentiality of individuals, possibly subjecting them to dangerous and unnecessary risk. Both truth and privacy are cardinal principals in the scene, and reckless gossip damages both.
  • Clique Politics: To have a circle of friends is a good thing, but not when the goal is circling the wagons to shut out people who “don’t fit in” In the same way that benign sharing of information can be amplified into vicious, destructive gossip, maintaining cliques whose purpose it is to weaken and ostracize others, hurts the community as well as the individuals excluded. Ultimately, clique players make so many enemies that they themselves are resented or unwelcome.
  • Sweet and Sour: A clique politics tactic: Some people make extravagant show of how close and loving they are to their circle of friends, hugs, smiles, introductions glowing compliments, in part too maximize the sting inflicted against perceived outsiders, who are refused even the time of day. A stock move among catty sorority girls during rush week, (the Amish call this shunning) it’s embarrassing to see how many grown men and women use “sweet and sour” to isolate and hurt individuals whose feelings and esteem they regard as unimportant. This truly nasty habit creates “us and them” fissures, that fragment the community, hurt feelings and invite retaliation.
  • Chicken Hawk Syndrome: With a constant influx of SM beginners, some attempt to acquire play partners under the guise of “mentoring”. Chicken hawk syndrome includes strong come-ons, boastful presentation of ones own experience and skill, sometimes in trashing other people, sometimes attempting to isolate new people from the presence or influence of others, all in the name of “education”, or at least active attempts to recruit them into their clique of preference. While there is nothing wrong with expressing interest in someone (new to the community or not) it is dishonest to couch your interest in terms of education. For new people we advise you to take your time in choosing exclusive mentors if you feel the need to do that at all, and ideally to form relationships with a circle of friends and not to rely on just one point of view.
  • SM Psychodrama: High volume yelling matches, absurd conspiracy mongering, unbridled venom towards community peers…Does any of this sound familiar? Here’s a test: If such behavior would get you fired from a professional workplace, please leave it at home. Failure to separate role from reality: We are an imaginative bunch (witness the number of science fiction fans, and Ren-fair enthusiasts in our midst) and this is both good and bad. Some take the view that the scene is a place their fantasy become reality, raising the specter of unrealistic expectations which can infringe on safety, consent even sanity. Someone who prides herself on being an unreasonable, demanding bitch in scene should always watch to draw a line between what is appropriate in scene and into daily life, even if they consider themselves “lifestyle”.
  • The Dom=Dickhead syndrome: While some dominants are true artists cultivating a gourmet’s appreciation of pleasure, pain and power, others are mere peevish control queens, itchy for a chance to criticize, get belligerent, boss others around. Still others, new to the community (but not to gorean novels) make the classic error of equating their sexual dominance with an overbearing, overreaching manner dominated by virtue of their presence at a SM event. Regardless of how dominant you are within your consenting relationships (and more power to ya!), you can no more “assume” consent in your interactions with others, than you can in an SM scene. Dominants who assume its okay to boss others around, and demand subservient treatment, demanded rudely, are making the classic newbie error of assuming its okay to touch or grab others bodies without asking.
  • The Realness Police: In which everyone assumes that your SM should closely resemble theirs. Scoffing at scenes for being too mild, too heavy or too.whatever. One particularly odious habit is the loudly proclaimed belief in those great SM unicorns the “true dom” (“ true doms never bottom … being a true dom means never having to say your sorry, etc.”) or “true submissive” (“If you were a TRUE submissive you would do X for me, let me do Y to you, take it in stride while I waltz off and do Z.”)
  • The Imperial-Imperious confusion: Some scenefolk, in an effort to appear imperial (kingly, of high standard, worthy of respect) conduct themselves in a manner that is imperious (overbearing, bossy, judgmental). A surprising number of scene-folk begin this confusion after a few years in the community, as they assume leadership positions, or when they decide that it is time they were recognized as authorities, if not superiors. While many feel that imperious behavior demonstrates expertise, importance and intelligence, in truth it almost never fails to alienate potential friends and play partners and make the offender look bad. While pecking order tactics like these are fine for beings with the intelligence and spiritual depth of sparrows and chickens, in humans they are shallow, unkind and run counter to the spirit of “safe sane and consensual.” Furthermore, people will not continue to support and tolerate people who treat them badly. Even so, unwise bystanders, occasionally reward this kind of boorishness with attention and respect, making our collective problem worse. New people see this behavior in community leaders and players of high prominence and emulate it, believing it to be proper, accepted or connoting high status.
  • Expert-itus:(a variant of the previous point) the state of confusing ones own expertise with the ability to pick nits, and find faults in other people’s play, demeanor, protocol, motives. While sharing scene knowledge is generally a good thing, it can be, and often is, overdone. Go easy on the free advice.

WHY DO WE DO IT?

In fairness, we don’t want to suggest that leatherfolk are inherently rude people. The scene, as wonderful as it can be, contains many subtle and seldom discussed “stress factors” that contribute to uncivil behavior. Like water over a stone, these stress factors wear on the nerves year after year, thus setting the stage for impatience, irritation, depression and the empathy deficit we have already discussed.

The scene is a small world, and quarters are close, closer than we might like sometimes. Because BDSM is an interest that selects at random, we often find ourselves spending a lot of time with people we might not otherwise choose as friends. The scene is an intensely intimate place, we express our inner fantasies and fears, sometimes share partners, see each other nude, watch each other cum…Is it any wonder people are sensitive about how we are treated by others?

Because these practices are incredibly diverse, we find themselves in the occasional presence of activities that make us uncomfortable. The scene is a strange place and it takes a while to adjust. (And some things you may never get used to.)

The pressures of closeting: The pressure of maintaining a secret life, of hiding your leather life from friends, colleagues, and family adds a constant overlay of tension to daily life. Scene folk have to manage the presence of fetish contraband including toys, clothes, literature and erotica whose discovery might be catastrophic. The risk, real or perceived, can encompass loss of employment, of friends, of family, even custody of ones’ kids.

Jealousy, loneliness and competition for partners are facts of life. People without play partners may become unhappy or angry. People seen as getting more than their share can trigger insecurity and resentment. Even people with partners may see threats around every corner.

The scene, like any fringe group, attracts its share of eccentrics and outcasts, some fascinating and agreeable, others less so. Newcomer na?vet?: New people unacquainted to the scene’s protocols occasionally touch, grab or conduct themselves in an inappropriate manner. Although individuals typically learn to deport themselves over time, the constant influx of newcomers means newcomer naivete is a constant, grating issue.

The realities of the party circuit: It is a hard fact of scene life is that most parties are private and their invite lists finite. For every guest invited there are twenty left outside. The guest list is dictated by what the hosts can afford, their circle of friendships, the size of their home and many other factors. But it still stings to hear about a party without getting an invite. And it happens all the time. EMAIL (the medium of choice for many SM participants) : Without a friendly face or modulations of human speech, text encounters can be easily misstated/misunders tool. Couple that with the sometimes blunt writing style of emailers everywhere, the added gravity of the written word and the ease of escalating a private remark into public rebuke with a misplaced keystroke, and you’ve got the makings for an online food fight.

SOME THOUGHTS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO TO FIX IT

One of the more sobering aspects of the list above, is that there really are no easy solutions to any of these problems. The scene is small, people are sensitive, invite lists are short, and we really do have some truly eccentric people who will continue to behave eccentrically. But there is room for hope. We do a good job of establishing, and enforcing, play standards to make SM safe and hot. We are improving all the time as educators of play practices. But, interpersonal conduct outside of the SM encounter itself, has not been made a priority and its probably time it should be. We must recognize civility (defined in part by the examples in this report) as a threat to the health of our community, and commit ourselves as individuals, to improving our own behavior first.

We must extend civility, decency, care and concern beyond our personal circle to members of the community at large. This doesn’t mean we have to be everyone’s bosom bud, but that concern for others is a priority instead of the non-issue it is for many at present. We are not talking about sainthood or communism here. The goal is not to stand around a campfire in a ring, holding hands singing Kumbaya. But if we all improve our behavior, and extend our compassion by ten percent, we will be living in a completely transformed universe.

Secondly, through mentoring and our education programs, we must elevate civility as a requirement for our leaders and citizens. While scene etiquette (a subset of civility), is an SM staple, it deals mainly with deportment, protocols and standards of interaction, and doesn’t address the deeper issues of cultivating compassion, tolerance and awareness, towards our SM brethren. These are tougher ethics-driven issues often without simple answers. And, though vocal, it is a minority of scene-folk who do the worst of this callous behavior. Most want a scene that is friendly and supportive. Many are willing to work to make it so (hopefully you too if you’ve read this far). And though the gossips, scolds and assholes among us often succeed in hurting their intended targets (and incidentally, our community), their greatest causalities are ultimately their own reputations. Remember that we are all brothers and sisters in a community no matter how diverse. If we behave like we care about and support one other, we will all find ourselves, by definition, in an environment that is more caring and supportive. Improved civility should presented as causal to the following desirable conditions: stability of friendships; respect of peers; trust of potential play partners (civility means stability); strengthens ones personal network of contacts; supports the position that SM is practiced by sane, well adjusted people; elevates fairness and justice (which are eternal) as the coin of the realm as opposed to popularity and bureaucratic clout (which are fleeting and can vanish at any moment); strengthens the community and makes it healthier; raises the comfort quotient for newcomers.

A PROPOSED APPROACH: EXTEND SSC INTO INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Strive as individuals and organizations to extend “safe, sane, and consensual” into the arena of interpersonal conduct. So lets turn the laser beam of SSC onto our civility concerns and see what it tells us: Uncivil behavior is nonconsensual: Unless assured, otherwise good manners and general kindness should be the coin of the realm. To do less is to engage someone without their consent. Doms should restrict their dominance to those who have consented to it. Submissives who pester others with unsolicited subservience are likewise in violation. And nonconsensual dominance in the name of “mentoring” doesn’t wash either. Gossips and scolds should likewise consider their behavior in terms of consent. Subjecting someone to a tongue lashing or a gossip campaign is really no better than drawing out a flogger and hammering away at them without warning. Uncivil behavior is not safe: Cruel, thoughtless behavior can damage hurt people, deeply, for as long time, and that cannot be called safe. In the same way that humiliation can be more damaging than physical pain, the emotional harm inflicted from incivility may far exceed what you intend. Unsolicited advice can come across as cutting, and judgmental. Incivility also sets a diminished community standard for others to follow, making incivility more acceptable and social environment suffers often scaring mature decent people away, and can in time bring a group to its knees. Small acts of rudeness, or disregard, even if only perceived as such can balloon up into clique wars.

And if the well being of your intended victim means nothing to you, consider this: If you make trouble for people, chances are it will come back to haunt you later on. People have a way of reciprocating behavior. Be nice and people will be nice back. Be a jackass and that’s how others will see AND speak of you. This is a small world and if you screw someone, you are handing them a motive to get you back later. Even if you are queen of the in-clique at present, no one controls the future and, over time, the leather gods have a way of evening things out. The community is close, memory is long, and paybacks are a bitch. For this reason alone, uncivil behavior is unsafe to you.

Uncivil behavior is not even all that sane: For years many of us felt we were solitary freaks before finding this community. To reinforce feelings of rejection in our brothers and sisters by deliberately withholding human decency, or subjecting them to deliberate hardship, is just not defensible. People who find themselves helpless to resist clashing with or inflicting imperious behavior on their scene fellows, would do well to begin some serious soul searching and perhaps seeking out the help they need. A lot of uncivil behavior is retaliatory. Someone does something that hurts or offends you prompting an aggressive response. Unfortunately this may be exactly how it looks to the person you just dissed. If you find that your actions and behavior are building up to a feud, it is a great idea to apologize for your part in the situation and disengage from the conflict. Furthermore, the long term gains from uncivil behavior are so meager, and the costs so high that it really does not pay for people who hope to stay in the community for some time. (Even if they win a short term victory.)

APHORISMS

Taking care of your community. Take care of its members. Agree to disagree. you don’t have to dis just because you dislike. Civility demonstrates stability. Piss off a bigot; be nice to a leather person. Imperious does not mean imperial. SSC is always in effect, whether or not a scene is in progress. Resist the urge to reward slanderous gossip with your attention and involvement -it’s not consensual, and not safe, even it’s sanity is questionable. Tithe: give ten percent more in kindness appreciation gratitude, forgiveness. Never assume Safety. Never assume Consent. SM does not stand for Super Man – nobody is perfect and everyone makes Mistakes. Be willing to concede the point if you have been uncivil. Being willing to fess up, and apologize, makes you stronger, not weaker. Always try to be the voice of sanity and reason. Incivility is uncivil, whatever the excuse. Try to maintain perspective. Maintain a healthy sense of humor. True wealth is the ability to give kindness. Never forget your pleasure. Acceptance is voluntary, tolerance is mandatory

Article By Chris M [Black Rose of Washington DC] and Lady Medora [New Orleans Power Exchange] (The authors hope that everyone and anyone will send this through any boards you belong to including the authors names).

Posted on

Finding a Domme

FINDING MISS RIGHT! Not miss right now

UPDATE 2022: Please note our community contains a more in-depth collection of articles and resources in our Free Program, “Help me, find my Domme.

Are you looking for a magic spell or potion a unique formula that will guarantee you a Mistress you want? Well, there isn’t any . Not really…

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you must start at the beginning. Just as you would in the vanilla world First you sit down and identify who you are as a person. By this I mean your viewpoints on morality, spirituality, ethics politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and your sense of humor. Yes!!! It all counts After all is said and done its who you are as a person These fundamental facets count the most. Too many people look through rose colored glasses, looking for the D/s facet instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that equals or matches you. This is critical. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using signs or safe words, wanting only to appease their Domme. So, it is a good idea to ‘match’ with the same limits as your Domme from the beginning. In addition, if you are a McDonalds burger person, you may have trouble eating caviar and drinking champus every day of the week- be real and honest with yourself!

Yes. Domme’s have limits. They have the same mental processes as all humans. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking a Domme who matches you then you reduce the potentials of limits violations. So, you have your list . . . What to do now? Since you are probably reading this via the wonders of the internet Now use your computer to conduct a search (yes that’s right if good for something other than porn LOL) . You can do so by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Domme, Mistress. Then type in your local area. Some good place to conduct searches are Collarncuffs forum, Collarme.com, Alt.com, Bondage.com . It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 3 hour drive from your permanent residence. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics, they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems which are much less common ‘within’ your local area. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that could have possibilities. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter (please note this means NO naked photos if a Domme asks for naked pics she is more than likely interested in a playmate than a person). In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually all countries have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. You could also addressed this in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Attend a few local social events (I am not talking play parties or open dungeons but demo’s and workshops !).

By limiting your search to your local vicinity you increase the potential of finding a life partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber chats and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to ‘prevent’ the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement’s without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. If you find you are constantly finding Miss Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When you contacting a potential partner/Domme in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to ‘appear’ just right when they really are not. Keep your email courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. (The things on your list). If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Honorific titles are earned – not given by typing in a screen name or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time – consistent actions and behavior becoming to the individual. To me this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.

Next I recommend a fairly quick meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with No plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the sub they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered within the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)

If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your risks are much higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time that children have no reason to question!

Each of these things present you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.

Having said all this I do wish to add that some long distance relationships can and do work. if you are familiar with our forum on Collarncuffs you will know, to whom I am referring too. But I think even he will agree, it has been a long hard haul to the road of happiness…and his hard work has paid off…and we here at Collarncuffs wish him every happiness and a smooth journey forward for him and his Wife/Domme.

article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Posted on

Seeking professional Dommes

UPDATE 2024: Please note our community contains a more in-depth article contained within our FREE program “Femdom 101” for those new and starting out.

We here at Collarncuffs are often asked how do I know if she’s the right Prodomme for me, how do I find a Prodomme, what will she do to me, MissBitch has graciously supplied some answers on how to make your session a smooth success.

Whether you are a nervous jittery novice contemplating your first time experience, or a weekly visitor at your local house of Domination, this article will teach you, how to find the ProDomina of your dreams and how not to be Her nightmare. My conversations with numerous Mistresses over the years have revealed common experiences and preferences in regards to the conduct and procedure for booking appointments.

Below I outline crucial advice for submissives seeking a session with a ProDomme.

Table of Contents

List your fetishes.

Make a list of the your likes/dislikes. Pay attention to your fantasies, if you fantasize about a certain fetish frequently ­ usually you will enjoy it in session.

Prioritize your list into things that you

  • a) know you like,
  • b) are willing to try, and
  • c) do not want to do.

Don’t leave anything out because you are embarrassed or scared thinking the Mistress will lose respect for you. These mistakes will only keep you from realizing your true fantasies.

Determine your limits.

Go back over your list. Estimate your threshold for each activity by comparing it to prior experiences with intense sensations that you found erotic (or past S/M scenes). Realistically evaluate whether you want light, medium or heavy play in each area of interest. Remember that each activity may be combined with additional sensory input during a session, which will multiply your perception. Novices should start with light play only; you can always increase the intensity. And most importantly don’t say “you can do anything with me, Mistress” because an experienced ProDomme will use that opportunity to satisfy her most severe sadistic urges thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle it. Don’t try to impress by overstating your limits ­ you might not be happy with the results !!

Special equipment.

Some activities require specific toys and equipment. Figure out your special needs such as: suspension rig, cross dress wardrobe, electric shock devices, etc. Don’t assume that every Mistress can provide the correct equipment. Furthermore, if you have a specific fetish for something unusual such as “purple spotted granny knickers”, go out and buy some to present to the Mistress in session.

Decide what you need in a Prodomme.

Think about what are the most important qualities you would like to find in a Mistress. Consider such elements as personality, physical appearance, and style of play. Some Mistresses have a friendly, compassionate, flexible play style while other Mistresses have a distant, haughty, imperial play style. In order to learn about a client’s preferences, I often ask them

  • a) who they have seen in the past,
  • b) what worked with her, and
  • c) what did not work. Try going over your history to determine the fundamental characteristics for a successful encounter. Determine what sort of relationship you want. Do you like the short term, anonymity that a house, which employs several Dommes, can provide or do you prefer a long-term personal interaction with an independent Mistress?

Independent or house?

Decide which is right for you an independent Domme who works for herself or a ProDomme on staff at a house of domination. There are pros and cons for each. Women who work independently often have a private studio (sometimes shared with another Domme), are more experienced and sincere, and offer a more personal connection. However independents are generally more expensive, more selective about their submissives, and less likely to see you at the last minute. Houses are less expensive, convenient, and offer opportunity for group sessions. However, the Mistresses at a house are sometimes less experienced, and may not be genuinely into the scene.

Look at ads Keeping your own ProDomme needs in mind,

look at advertisements local papers, and on the web. Take cues from the ads regarding the attitude, interests, dislikes, intensity, and style of the Dommes. Look for mentions of your specific fetish but don’t assume that a Mistress is not into your scene just because it isn’t listed in her ad. Be wary of a ProDomme who doesn’t show her face ­ this denotes a reluctance to be associated with S/M, which I see as an indication that she isn’t really into the scene (*generalization ­ not true in every case). Do not allow yourself to be swayed away from your specific needs just because a Mistress looks good in photos or she is wearing your favorite fetish wear you will be disappointed if you are mismatched in other crucial areas.

Be careful Don’t think that less is more;

don’t try to save money by going to someone based on tribute alone, if she doesn’t know what she is doing she could seriously hurt you. If finances are a concern I advise visiting a well-known house of domination as opposed to an inexpensive Mistress who probably won’t have much equipment, wardrobe or experience and might not be safe. Dominas with fully equipped spaces and extensive wardrobes have high overhead, and demand a higher tribute, but they generally have more technical and safety expertise.

How to write a letter or email.

Write a polite, submissive, concise note outlining your specific interests including your thresholds (i.e. light spanking, heavy whipping, CBT). Enclose whatever information or tribute she has requested or you may not receive an answer. Dominas often screen applicants by ignoring the ones that fail to demonstrate their sincerity, this is necessary because so many applicants are insincere and Mistresses receive many letters and emails. Unless requested, you do not have to send a photo or jpeg of yourself. Clearly indicate the dates you going to be in her area if traveling and write well in advance as most Dommes get so much correspondence they can’t keep up. Including contact information (email, phone, pager) will greatly increase your sincerity rating in her eyes. If you are worried about discretion, get a pager or voicemail number or buy an inexpensive PO box. Believe Me, it is well worth the investment. Make sure your address or contact info is on every page of your letter ­ more than once I have lost the envelope for letters that only had the return address on the envelope. Finally wait and wait and wait for a reply. She is probably not going to have time to get back to you immediately.

Call

Of course you will be nervous when you call, that is expected, everybody is nervous. Just make the call. Experienced ProDommes are used to newer submissives Then follow my directions:

  • a) Introduce yourself before you start asking questions. Everyday I have to interrupt rude callers to find out whom I am speaking to…most annoying!
  • b) If you are making up a name choose something unusual instead of Bob, Steve, or John there are already too many of those make up something unusual and easy to remember ­ for both of you.
  • c) Call at a decent time.
  • d) If a receptionist answers, let her do her job. She is there to answer your questions and book appointments. Leaving a message for the Mistress probably won’t get a response unless she already knows you.
  • e) When speaking to a Dominatrix ask if she is seeing new clients, tell her what you want, ask questions about her facility, experience level, her specialties or interests, hours, tribute, etc. However, don’t try to press her into saying she does certain things such as golden showers, or dildo training. Those activities are illegal and she may not want to discuss them on the phone or she may deny that she does them. She may also not answer thinking you are after a free phone sex call. Indicate your interest in those areas and see if she still encourages you to visit her.
  • f) Remember that she is assessing you so don’t keep her on the phone with repetitive questions or idle chitchat, let her know that you respect and value her time.
  • g) Go ahead and tell her your secret desires, even if you feel embarrassed. She has probably heard it all before.
  • h) Don’t hang up when she answers or call just to hear her voice on the machine she might have caller ID *10# to call you back, and it will make her angry with you.
  • I) Don’t make an appointment if she seems overly pushy to book you, it sounds like you won’t like her, she is too bossy or disrespectful, or you seem mismatched.
  • j) Don’t book a time if you can’t make it or you aren’t really sure k) Write down the directions and address including suite number. Note any assignments she gives you and the answers to your questions so that you can review later.
  • k) If you can’t keep your appointment, call to cancel as soon as possible. She will appreciate it because no-shows cost money if she saves time for you.

The appointment Call to confirm as instructed.

Be on time. Leave if she seems to be drunk or on drugs because that is a very dangerous combination with Femdom. Leave if the ProDomme is not who you saw in the photo. Leave if there is no equipment or wardrobe (if these elements are important to you). Leave if the space is dirty or looks poorly maintained because it may indicate unsafe practices.

What to expect in session

A receptionist might answer the door, or the Mistress may answer in street clothes. You might have to wait in a room for her to finish up with another client. You might have to fill out a questionnaire about your likes/dislikes. You might be required to pay up front. You might be left to take off your clothes after a brief meeting with the Mistress (but legally she can’t tell you to undress without risk, so take a hint). She might give you a safe word (a word that will let her know you can’t take more of the same) before she starts to play. Act according to her directions – some Mistresses demand strict adherence to conduct befitting a slave, others don’t care if you act submissive. Don’t have unrealistic expectations ­ the session will not match your fantasies perfectly. And definitely do not bring a line-by-line script. Be open to her and let her do her thing ­ you might find it better than your script.

What NOT to expect in session.

Realize that when a Mistress says “no sex” she truly means it in the broadest interpretation. Know that she won’t be taking off her clothes, dancing, massaging, or letting you kiss intimate body parts… ­ go see someone else for these activities.

What to do so that she will let you come back.

Be clean. Be respectful. Be obedient. If you really want to make an impression, bring her a little something such as a gag, blindfold, scented candle or flowers. Go over your likes/dislikes with the receptionist or Domina so that it is fresh in her mind. You can bring a sheet about your interests but do not expect her to accept it. Speak up if she has pushed beyond your limits – a good Domme will appreciate the input without being threatened. Don’t try to impress by surpassing your limits. Understand that she may have another client waiting so don’t hang around so long that she has to come out and tell you about her next appointment. Help her to clean up. Demonstrate your gratitude ­ tell her how great the session was and that you want to see her again.

Tips

If she works in a house of domination, tip her. She only gets a percentage of the full tribute. It is not necessary to tip an independent Mistress

Follow Up

Afterwards write down your impressions, wait a few days to fully assess your reactions. Sometimes you will find activities that were unpleasant in session, are actually exciting afterwards. This is a common experience. Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, despised during, and relished after the act. That is a part of masochism ­ doing things that you don’t like. Evaluate whether you want to see her again and figure out the positive and negative elements so that you can pass that information on to the next Domina you see whether it is her or someone else. Adjust your list of limits if you have learned more about your preferences. When you call again don’t be vague saying “Hi, its Joe” ­ there are a lot of guys named Joe. Remind her of who you are by name, appearance, what you did in session, etc without her having to ask.

If you follow My advice you will know enough about your preferences and the protocol to realize your fantasies with the right Dominatrix

Resource Article : by MissBitch and MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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