Tag: sex and sexuality

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Sex sells

Two recent news quotes:

From “All Headline News” – “Los Angeles, CA – Angelina Jolie’s former lesbian lover says the stunning actress was very provocative and raunchy before ever settling down. She even claims the two visited dominatrix dens together, which Angelina “loved.”

From “The New York Daily News” – “At a celebration for President Bill Clinton’s 50th birthday, at Radio City Music Hall, in 1996, Simon, terrified of following Smokey Robinson, invited the entire horn section to let her have it,” writes

John Lahr in the New Yorker. ”’They all took turns spanking me,’she says. ‘During the spank the curtain went up.’“
What do these two random newsclips (there are many, many more each week) tell us? Well, first of all that celebrities have a sexlife as well (duhh). Secondly, that some celebrities are into forms of kinky sex. No wonder, 30 percent of the adult population in the western world at the very least has fantasies about alternative lifestyles and kinky sex, so statistically one out of each three celebrities is likely to be into that kind of thing.

The question is, is this actually news? Well, while a more or less public spanking – especially in front of a former US-president – will certainly make the headlines that doesn’t mean it qualifies as “news”. Had it been Jane Doe, singing at her grandma’s birthday party nobody would have bothered. So, just because it happens to celebrities, it triggers the attention of the media.

Let’s not forget that – again according to the above statistics – one out of every three reporters also has such fantasies, or actually is actively involved in some form of alternative sexuality. That we do not hear about of course.

From a simple, basic journalistic point of view …. if 1/3 of the population does it all the time, it is probably very common. That is why nobody reports about the fact that people go to football or baseball stadiums to watch their favorite team play. That is why watching a sitcom will not get you on the New York Times’ front page. That is why eating a slice of pizza will not make you famous. Simply because these are activities almost everyone does every now and then. And actually “kinky sex” is no different.

The United States is by far the largest producer of pornography. Yet the country does not want to know about that. A survey by the Powerotics Foundation revealed that no mainstream television soap can be successful without the occasional “damsel in distress” action. Actresses are tied up, abducted, gagged or caged all the time on daytime television. Several years ago a collector had no problem finding thousands of whipping, caning, bondage and spanking scenes from thousands and thousands of mainstream Hollywood movies.

And here we get to the real point: kinky sex, or hints to kinky or alternative sex, SELLS! It sells newspapers and magazines, movies and television shows. It even sells entire careers, such as those of Madonna and Billy Idol. it is largely what makes Bill Clinton’s recent autobiography sell. If it is such a powerful sales argument, why not use it, instead of condemning it?



©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Male Sexual Arousal

You’re a man. Your sexual buttons are pushed easily, as marketing experts, pornography producers as well as Hollywood moviemakers will prove daily. Almost anything – that is advertised with the man in mind – has a hidden sexual motive. Nearly any movie has hidden persuaders deliberately incorporated and pornography of course is obvious. While the objective usually is to make you buy something – a car, a movie ticket, a soft drink or whatever – the side-effect is that you get turned on subconsciously frequently during the day.

Within a BDSM context the daily “turn ons” are even bigger, since you will – consciously or subconsciously – be attracted to many more fetishes, such as leather, high heels or even a dog collar.

Fetishism is perfectly normal

The social conditioning, that we talked about earlier, brought about something else: stygmatizing “fetishism” as abnormal. Of course, if sex is a reward for good social behavior, you (the government or the religion or whatever other regulator) don’t want other incentives that produce a similar effect to what you want to achieve, so you condemn everything else as “wrong”.

The current double social standard is that fetishism and non-mainstream sex are still largely condemned by such powerful and influential social entities as governments, religions, feminist action groups and others, while society at the same time will praise Steven Spielberg (ever wondered why “Jaws” is so appealing?) as a contribution to society, Hollywood still is the major source of visual entertainment (which includes movies such as “Basic Instincts”) and girl-popstars like Britney Spears try to convince the world that their “ooohs” and “aahs” have no sexual connotation whatsoever and they’re NOT a sex symbol.

What is fetishism?

A fetish is a sexual turn on and it can be anything: the sight of a girl on the beach in a bikini, the thrill of a well-turned leg, the sight of a smoothly rounded bottom in a tight pair of jeans, the tempting crevice of a cleavage disappearing into a blouse, you name it. Quite often a fetish doesn’t have to be such an explicit image as the above. Leather upholstery in luxurious sport cars for example has everything to do with the fact that the scent and feel of leather – even outside the BDSM-realm – to many is a (hidden) sexual turn on.

Several years ago a Japanese camera producer – Asahi Pentax – had difficulty selling telelenses. A marketing-psychologist was brought in to try and dertemine what the problem was. His first conclusion, after research, was that the vast majority of men – interested in buying long range telelenses, did NOT by these because they wanted to make pictures of birds and other animals, or wanted to do sports photography. Their hidden motive appeared to be that almost every men – potentially interested in buying a telelens – wanted to do so because he hoped to make a snapshot of his neighbors’ wife or daughter in bath or otherwise naked. As a result: the psychologist advised to advertize the lenses in UPRIGHT positions only (i.e. as a phallus symbol). As a result the salesfigures of telelenses suddenly skyrocketed!

You might be saying – what is there that doesn’t turn men on? And you’d be right – somewhere, someone is being turned on right now by things you never even thought of. It is the peculiarity of the male sexual being that so many things, so little understood, can be sexual stimuli. Your girlfriend may have long flowing locks and long hair may become a compelling stimulus. Other men report similar effects of their first sexual experience – as if, in some way, the various sights and sounds present at that first crucial moment become an imprint for later turn-ons. (Better tell your son to be careful where he first makes out – best if he does it at home in a safe, loving environment with contraception at hand)

Then there is the stimulus of naughty talk – a reaction, perhaps, by the child inside us to being prim and proper, so that simply using naughty words is exciting and stimulating: the same logic might apply to making love in forbidden or risky situations where there is the risk of discovery – the additional adrenaline may simply heighten the excitement and make all the stimuli more intense. This isn’t really high science, though, it’s more like common-sense. What is more difficult to explain are the – what psycholigists, psychiatrists, legislators and doctors will still quickly label – “paraphilias” – in their (outdated) opinion “the bizarre or outlandish sexual stimulii” such as cross-dressing, exhibitionism, voyeurism, high heels, red lingerie, BDSM and so on.

Various ideas have been put forward to explain all this: for example, that men feel guilty about sex and seek somehow to transfer their sexual feelings to objects like underwear, or high heels, which may or may not have an obvious sexual connotation. ALL THIS IS UTTER NONSENS!!! and you shouldn’t worry about it. What de facto is the matter is that from an evolutionary/genetic point of view reproduction (which requires sex) is the number one obligation for any species and that hidden or less hidden persuaders are as normal to birds or elephants as they should be to us. Birds are often multi-colored for that purpose. Squids even produce bio-energetic light to attract the other species. Frogs wake entire towns literally “yelling” out their hornyness and so do crickets.

SEXUAL SIGNALS ARE AS NORMAL AS TRAFFIC LIGHTS.

Their main function is to make a man (elephant, shark or mosquito alike) horny so they will feel the urge to reproduce. True, we’re humans and not animals but that doesn’t mean the signals and effects aren’t there.

Of course, it’s great to feel the rising tide of sexual excitement that results from being near a loved one, or a sexual partner, or even a friend with whom a comfortable sexual relationship but little emotional commitment exists (the nice idea of the gay “fuck buddy” comes in this category: a relationship based on sexual pleasure alone – a relationship which many straight men would accept instantly if it were on offer to them: think of it – sex with no commitment. Wow! Now – is that stereotypical male thinking, and if it is, does it come from our genetic make-up or our learned experiences and attitudes? ). The subtlety of male arousal is such that even a glance, the touch of a lover’s hand, the smell of a lover’s hair, the sight or scent of their clothes (especially fresh off their body), can stir a man’s sexual interest.

That is one of most exciting aspects of being a man – that sudden sexual excitement, the spontaneous erection, the surge of desire that takes one by surprise, the sheer urgent, sexiness of it all. While in the end emotional connection is more satisfying, and, with the right partner, can reinforce one’s sense of self and one’s sense of masculinity, the “instant pleasure buttons” any man has shouldn’t be ignored or denied. Yes they can be – and should be – fun and there is no reason why you shouldn’t just enjoy this innocent sexual pleasure.

Listen to your body

There is nothing wrong with listening to your body. Your physical sexual respons to your environment is a very complex process of hormonal reactions, most of which is yet to be mapped and understood by science – the process as well as the complex set of triggers, reactions and mental and physical responses.

As a result, the most important as well as sensible thing to do is – within the context of your personal situation – to listen to your body, get the monkeys off your back and open yourself up to your sexual needs, desires and reactions.

And, talk about them! Tell your partner when you feel aroused and – if you know – why. Not only does that bring about a better understanding of what you are and what turns you on, it also makes it clear to her when your aroused (horny) and why and very likely BOTH of you will enjoy the moment. While that doesn’t HAVE to result in actual, instant intercourse, there is nothing wrong with a quicky on the kitchen table either and that can and will sometimes greatly improve your relationship.

Your partner is probably a fetish

It is very likely that your partner, as a person or (parts of) her body are a fetish to you. This might be anything, but very likely it will be her hair, mouth, neck, breasts, butt, legs or something and usually more than one thing. While we are (social conventions again) NOT to like and desire women for their body, that is exactly one of the things that you should learn to communicate about.

We need to explain yet another double social standard. We – men – are indeed taught not to like women for their body. While at the same time we’re bombarded with conflicting signals: from sexy dresses, to perfume – from hairdo to just about any commercial. Of course all of that is NOT an open invitation to rape and sexual harrassement! But is IS a signal that you will respond to and are supposed to respond to (albeit in a civilized way). The opinion – spread by feminist groups and others – that women are allowed to dress the way they want to and that men are not supposed to interpret that as a sexual signal is far to easy and actually both pretty cheap as well as untrue. Of course is short skirt is a sexual signal – so is a bikini, so is lipstick, so is perfume. It may very well not be JUST and ONLY a sexual signal, but it is a pretty naive idea that you can put on a perfume that has all the hidden aromatic persuaders in it and expect men NOT to respond to it.

So, do respond to it (towards your partner that is, not the female sitting next to you in the bus!). If you like her legs – tell her!

On top of that – most men fantasize about “different ways of having sex” – different as in having oral sex, anal sex or cumming between her breasts, all over her face or in her hair. The fact of the matter is that most women fantasize about exactly that (fantasies about being raped, abducted or being used as a sexual object or being a whore or a slut are the most common ones among women). So don’t be afraid you’ll shock her if you tell her about your fetish, because it is very likely she’ll have the same one or at least a similar one of her own.

And here is another helpful hint: the vast majority of women fantasize about what they will describe as “male men” (truckdrivers, man smelling of diesel, freshly cut wood and – VERY IMPORTANT – fresh sweat as well as men in business attire). So, be male – down to earth feet in the clay male – chances are she’ll love you for it.

Physical and mental attraction

Many people try to make a difference between physical and mental attraction. In fact: women (while communicating they want to be valued for their mental attraction) put a lot of emphasys on their physical ability to attract men (and in the process sexually compete with other women). That can often be very confusing. The important part is in “attraction”, regardless where it comes from. Attraction is the bridgehead – for sex, for communication, actually for the entire relationship. Attraction is what started it between the two (or three of four) of you.

Fact of the matter is that there is actual very little difference between phsyical or mental attraction and that every sexual/emotional interaction between men and women is a combination of both. Picture this: this gorgious blond suddenly walks into your life and while she’s physically everything you ever desired, she has this horrible accent and can only talk about her mother and TV-soaps. Will she still attract you once she opens her mouth? Probably not. And that is what it is all about.

What scientists will tell you (man) is that you are easily aroused and aroused by many different things, either solo or in combination. And that it happens hundreds of times a day. Scientists believe the male mind is drawn to some sort sort of sexual stimulation as often as 700 times a day. In very simple, very unscientific terms: you are pretty trigger happy bastard, to put it mildly. And we started this chapter with telling you that you’re probably aroused more times through reading Life Magazine or looking at the billboards or watching a movie.

What is important first of all is to understand that this happens and that – the two of – you might as well use it to your advantage, for starters by telling each other about it. That is you telling her. By doing so, even if at first she may feel threatened by it, you’re telling her a lot about how that happy trigger works. Information she can next use to pump up the volume, so to speak. Women are not exactly stupid and there is nothing wrong with telling them what turns you on. The idea of course is SHE turns you on. Because that is what brings things back to basics and allows you to follow what your genes are basically programmed for. This is not the same as having her belly-dance every night of course – the idea is to share and use useful information that BOTH of your can use to your mutual benefit.

Once you’ve gotten there, actually the only other thing you need to master is to ASK her, about what turns her on. Do both – tell and ask – and you’re very likely on the road to a very happy sexlife.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm.He the chairman for poweroticFoundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Is Erotic Power Exchange A Culture?

Alternative lifestyles are frequently labeled “sub-culture.” Could it be erotic power exchange is much more than that?

Occasionally the erotic power exchange (BDSM) community looks at the gay community with a certain amount of envy, as a result of the fact that the latter has achieved quite a bit when it comes to general understanding for and acceptance of different lifestyles. One of the questions, asked in this respect, is the one about being a culture yes or no. Although that as such is a question that can be debated endlessly, fact of the matter is that the narrow – sexual only – approach does not seem to cover all aspects of erotic power exchange. So, are “we” a culture? Below is at least one answer to that question.

First of all: what is a culture? There are of course various definitions, but personally I like to use the one given by anthropologist Ruth Benedict (which is the more or less generally accepted one in the scientific community): “culture is a more or less consistent pattern of thought and action with a characteristic purpose that pervades the forms of behavior and institutions of a society.” Hence, a culture is defined by a set of patterns.

Are “we” a “culture” (as in a religious culture, a national culture for example)? If culture is defined as being that total and all-embracing the answer to that question is NO, unless of course you would argue that BDSM-views and opinions have any specific relevance to and influence on social structures, general behavior patterns or institutions (which I personally consider quite unlikely). However, if you take the definition but add the words “limited” and “some”, the answer is: yes, we are.

The opposite of the above definition, by the way, is true for the BDSM-community: i.e., the world around us (society) has a direct influence on us (general perceptions, legislation, prejudice, political and religious views, to only name a few) and not in the way they have as a general factor in everyone’s life, but directly in (and as a result of) the ideals the community as well as individuals within that community strive(s) and stand(s) for.

There are other methods to find out whether or not BDSM is a culture. One of them is to try and establish if there are concepts, views and behavior patterns within a “group” that seem to be more or less generally accepted and are at the root of the group behavior (chaos-theory).

Behavior patterns

Thus the question is: are there such concepts, views and behavior patterns? The answer here – in my view – is yes, there are: there is a more or less generally accepted lingo (that at least is generally recognized), there are concepts (voluntary, informed consensual, safe and sane for example, negotiation for example, safewords for example). We may not be to good at exactly describing them, but there are norms and values: in general the community has a pretty good general idea about what is acceptable behavior in the group and what is not. In the same way there are (again not specifically written down) certain more or less generally accepted ethics.

And next to that there even is a more or less “creative process” based on the group’s ideas (design, clothing, art, photography, writing and more) that usually is recognized as “belonging to or within the group”.

Finally, do we have specific and more or less general behavior patterns? The answer again is yes. Coming out for example, finding information, communication and even some negative ones, like taking things personal and concentrating on personal ideas and interpretations as opposed to more general ones.

So, this method also seems to proof there at least is something indicating a culture, albeit not a very well studied and described one (but then again many cultures are not very well, or not at all described, such as many tribal cultures and the entire Maya culture for example).

Is all this enough to claim “we” are/have a culture. With sufficient modesty to say that we will probably not make a difference in changing the world’s general ethics my answer to that question is yes.


Are we a sub-culture? A sub-culture is a derivative from something else. Personally, I can not see where we are a derivative of something else, so no, I wouldn’t say we are a subculture. And this is where I think we first meet some arguments of the “outside world” that tries to narrow BDSM down to a form of sexual behavior (and to many preferably a sexual deviation). Why would the outside world do that? The answer in my mind is obvious: fear. Sexuality in many (especially Western) societies is something that has always been looked at with double standards. Religions for example (and they have a traditionally strong influence on sexual behavior) have a very double standard here. On one end for example they praise the phenomena of life and giving birth, while at the same time they will condemn women the moment they show physical signs of their ability to give life (like menstruation, pregnancy and such) and call them impure. They will endorse big families with many children but at the same time condemn the act that is at the very root of reproduction.

Fear on one end and narrow minded political views about controlling people’s lives on the other are what brings about this element of fear and hence the well-known rhetorical trick of creating a “common enemy” (the evil). “We” are “an evil” in that sense and this evil is described in very simple, one dimensional straight forward terms that usually have little to do with the truth. Which is only one reason to stay away from a purely sexual/psychological approach and try to put things in a somewhat broader perspective.

What is this culture made of?

So, if we are a culture, what is that culture made off? That is where it becomes very hard. There is little research to rely on or find answers in and unfortunately any debate about trying to describe the culture will almost automatically turn into a debate about personal preferences. The reasons for this happening are actually quite simple. Most of “us” live in a very narrow, closed environment when it comes to BDSM (which is not a negative connotation but merely an observation and in itself a direct result of the general social stigmatism and prejudice) and as a result many people only have their personal ideas and feelings to go by, while on the other hand the subject itself directly hits home with almost all of us and brings out – understandable – fierce and intense emotions.
The Internet – even though a blessing in some ways – is not exactly helpful either, since the “net-community” seems to go through exactly the same growing pains the “real life community” (at least in Europe) has gone through some 15 to 20 years ago. Hence, for the moment on the Internet history is only repeating itself, which is not bad as such, since it helps the vast numbers of newcomers, but is of little or no help when it comes to try and debate, research more abstract issues like this one.

Different cultures

As for example Weinberg and Falk (“Studies in Sadomasochism”, 1983) conclude, there is very little methodical and theoretical research from the sociological field available when it comes to BDSM. If any work has been done in this area, most of that is journalistic research and not scientific. Still, one fact is generally accepted in the scientific field (and in other areas): there are huge differences between the gay/lesbian and heterosexual BDSM-cultures.

Coming out (which to gay/lesbians is a “second coming out”) for one thing is totally different, primarily because coming out as a concept is alien to the heterosexual world since it has never been a real issue. Hence there is little experience with the phenomena and whereas coming out is recognized as probably the most important stage in the life of a homosexual (and treated and respected as such), in the heterosexual world it is predominantly still ignored or undervalued.

Other main differences are in the social behavior patterns. Especially gay men – within their community – are not only more open to different forms of sexuality, it is also very common to act out preferences in a more or less public environment such as gay bars and meeting places. Try acting out your heterosexual BDSM preferences in a public bar or in the local community center and you’ll have huge problems. Also, there is a much more integrated process of accepting different preferences within the gay/lesbian community and hence there is a lot more openness and willingness to investigate, whether for personal use or just for better understanding. So yes, there ARE at least two different BDSM-cultures with their own patterns, behavior and general dynamics.

BDSM influence in other social areas

To ascertain if BDSM as such is a culture one method is to identify if the phenomena as such has any influence in other social areas. This is an incomplete list of such influences.

  • * BDSM has a (sometimes even quite substantial) influence in areas like fashion, pop music, movie industry and art. In European countries it even has an influence on advertising.
  • * BDSM has its own literature, art and fashion.
  • * BDSM has its own media (print and Internet)
  • * BDSM has its own places for gatherings (clubs, the above facilities, groups, gatherings, munches)
  • * BDSM has its own organizations (local, national and some – like the NLA – even internationally)
  • * BDSM has its own lingo, different form others, some of which influences other areas
  • * BDSM has its own concepts, some of which have also been accepted in or adopted by other areas
  • * BDSM is an economical factor, in the forms of products like videos, toys, gear, more or less dedicated shops, media and art galleries, clothing and such and – weather we like it or not – prostitution.
  • * BDSM is scientifically recognized as a phenomena of its own.
  • * BDSM is the subject of research in different scientific areas (psychology, psychiatry, sociology)
  • * BDSM is condemned by other groups, including some very influential ones.
  • * BDSM has lead to specific legislation to try an ban it in various countries and regions.
  • * BDSM is the subject of political debates and decision making.

Different cultures within the community

Are there different cultures within hetero BDSM? I tend to think there are at least two: Maledom/femsub and Femdom/malesub. First of all, of course they have a lot in common. Probably eighty to ninety percent of their basic cultural patterns are exactly the same (albeit maybe slightly different in their format and presentation). However, there are a few basic differences that in my opinion make them different (mind you, I am not advocating one is better than the other, just different). So where are these differences?
First of all there is a difference in social acceptance. For example, the more or less general assumption is that men can take better care of themselves when it comes to security risks. Hence, a submissive male is generally seen as “less vulnerable” when compared to female submissives. To a certain extent that is true. Male sexuality in general is more open and men are much more used to share their sexual experiences and thoughts with others than women. Men are – more than women and again generally speaking – more used to things like masturbating, exploring their sex organ and the sex organs of others and are more likely to talk about this to others and experiment. Hence they have an advantage when it comes to taking risks and coping with vulnerability. This, by the way, should not be taken as a statement that the male submissive actually is or feels less vulnerable, because this is probably not true.

Another main difference is in the difference in sexual experience. The male experience simply is a more physical one, whereas the female experience is much more mental. This brings about differences in attitude, play forms, safety issues and interaction as well as a couple of cultural differences such as the fact that female submissives are much more receptive – and have a different attitude towards – fantasy.

Female submissives have other cultural differences, such as the conflict of roles (mother, career person, central function in the household/relationship and submissive) which is much more dominant to them then it is to male submissives (and usually much more of a problem). And to many there is the female (social) masochism and role-stereotyping in general (that is not good, but still very much “there”).

By the way, here a nice example of similarities as well since this is something the lesbian world also has substantial problems with.
Male dominants – as opposed to their female counterparts – also have many differences, such as their own role conflicts (men aren’t supposed to beat women and are brought up that way – in many cultures men still aren’t supposed to show their softer sides, hence many have never learned how to do that). And, simply because the subs are different, the dominants are different.

There probably is a long list of other differences, one that should for example be considered is the fact that as a result of the widespread commercialization of the Femdom world, it is a lot easier for male subs to at least find a format to live out their fantasies than it is for female subs.

Is it functional to recognize such differences? I think it is. Not in an effort to conveniently cut up the cake in very tiny pieces in order to find sufficient similarities to determine one specific group, but in an effort to try and identify the differences and address them. Like brothers and sisters are part of the same family, they have their own specifics wants, needs, dynamics and interactions and understanding each other better starts with identifying and understanding the specifics of the other, identifying where differences and where similarities are. Just as it often is very counterproductive to address certain problems by only using either male or female logic (ultimately the combination of both is what usually produces result) it is not very productive to try and push everyone “into the same corset” when it comes to defining cultures. Understanding that there are similarities AND differences is what will eventually establish a better understanding of the entire group.

General significance

Finally, does all this have a relevance when it comes to educating and informing the outside world? Again my opinion here is a positive one. Why? Because the outside world is constantly mixing up different aspects of the different cultures, which does not help the debate nor the education. For example, whenever I am asked to participate in a television program, talkshow, do an interview or whatever on BDSM my first question for the journalist/producer will be “what BDSM?” That usually – apart from it being a very effective way to delay the entire production for a considerable period – leads to a fundamental discussion during the production phase about what the show/interview/documentary is supposed to achieve. That will automatically – usually – lead to a better understanding by the journalist(s)/producer(s) involved and will improve the quality of the end product as well as well the quality of future products by the same producer/journalist. I will do exactly the same when preparing a presentation in any other format and – for example when it comes to informing law enforcement people – one simply has to identify and explain the different cultures because the officer involved will have to be able to judge individual situations in real life and a gay scene is something that is usually totally different from a hetero scene in the first place (not to mention the cases where a male is in fact an abuse victim).
Bottom line: if we want to inform and educate others (which is I think what most of us – latent or not – want or would like to see happen) the first question to ask is: what do we want to inform and educate them about?

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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how to find real Sex information?

Do the test. Go to Google and type “masturbation” in the search box. Because you are looking for some serious and reliable information on the subject. What you get? You probably already know. At least 500.000 links to porn sites. Think that is a lot? Well, actually it is much more!

The root of this problem is in three things:

  • 1. Search engines (not just Google) do not research the net nor the “information” they pretend to offer. They simply have robots that crawl the Internet 24 hours a day every day looking for only one thing: the pages that best fit their submission criteria.
  • 2. The adult industry as a collective is a master in manipulating search engines and they do not mind using every trick in the book, including the ones that are in the “forbidden” chapter.
  • 3. Most importantly: the first really useful search tool for the Internet – that can be used by ordinary people like you and me – has yet to be invented.

So how do you bypass or eliminate all the BS?

The truth is: trying to avoid all of it is impossible. But, the good news is …….. there are ways to avoid most of it.

Ask questions

A single word search in any search engine is usually useless. It will simply bring up thousands of sites that have the word you are looking for as a “keyword” in their text, their invisible meta tags, or both. Porn sites use software to search for the most frequently used search terms (including typing errors) and will pack their pages with them. So “masturbation” will get you nowhere. To be exact: it will bring up 20.700.000 results in Google. Not very productive.

Let’s add just one word and search for “masturbation methods”. Now we are down to 805.000 results. That is still way too much to be useful, but by adding one word we have eliminated 20 million (!) results. “common masturbation methods” gets us down to 571.000 results. “Common masturbation methods definition” knocks off another 100.000 results.

You get my point. The more precise your question, the better the results.

Multiple engine searches

Another effective method is to use multiple search engine searches. There is an easy to use and free software program for that called Copernic. You can download it from http://www.copernic.com and the free version of their software will do just fine for most users.

Multiple engine searches usually scan between five to eight of the top engines and will bring up the top results of all these engines first. This too, especially if you use the multiple word trick here as well, is very effective.



©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm.He the chairman forpowerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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How Not kinky Are You?

“Vanilla” is a term used frequently by those, into more or less alternative lifestyles, for those, who – according to them – are not. The question however is, does “vanilla” actually exist and isn’t vanilla actually the new sexual minority?

Let’s face it: the we-get-married-live-happily-ever-after have-sex-2.5-times-per-week couple is rapidly becoming a rare phenonomemum in our modern society. Sex before marriage (almost unthinkable fifty years ago) is the current norm. Usually with multiple partners. Especially in the United States teenage mothers still in high school is no longer an exception (not meaning to say that this a a good sign!). More than half of the United States marriages end up in a divorce and this has brought us a new term: “serial monogamy”. “Till death do us part” is a vow not many people will stick to these days and if they do it is far from uncommon to engage in such things as threesomes, swinging or simply do what modern day therapists call “spicing up your sexlife”.

Is all this “uncommon” or “abnormal”? In terms of evolution actually not. In the end the human species is a mamal and monogomous mamals are indeed very rare. To a point there is evolutionairy logic to becoming pregnant as soon as you can. Why else would nature create fertility at a young age? Give a bonobo (an ape) a pencil and it is likely to draw a penis (yes they can and will, as scientific research has proven). And on the evolutionary calender of mankind things such as monogamy or even marriage make up for less than the last five minutes of that calender.

Can you honestly say you have never engaged in anything kinky?

There is no scientific research to provide a solid answer to that question. But my guess is that in our modern Western society very few people can honestly say they never have. In the current Internet age many – if not most – people at the very least have taken a (sneak)peak at porn-sites, engaged in an erotic chat or even exchanged some steamy email. Exposed belly buttons and navel piercings are common fashion statements and so are spiked leather collars, high heels, short skirts, revealing blouses and push-up bras. Not mention botox and breast implants.

Yes, a breast implant is a form of kinky sex. In the kinky world it is called body manipulation and in fact no different from a tattoo, a piercing, a branding or a scar. What actually is the difference between wearing make up and wearing a sexy leather skirt?

The answer is: your own perception – nothing else.

There’s an old joke: “A dirty mind is a joy forever”. As in most jokes there is wisdom in this one. The brain is the biggest sex organ. Some would argue it actually is the only one. And that is the whole point. Your own perception is what drives you. And if you want to “hip”, “avant garde” or tendsetter? Well, maybe becoming “vanilla” again might be a wise choice.



©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Hidden Sex Organs

Most mammals, when mating, show an interest in the tail bone. For example – if you have one – try patting your cat just above the tail. We humans may have lost our tail, but we still have our tail bone. And that can bring a new dimension to your sex life.

In simple terms, your tail bone area is packed with hormone receptors and erotic pressure points. Working with it is a great way to spice up your sex life; not to mention a simple thing called lust.

Gentle, subtle stimulation

The trick is to very gently and subtly stimulate this unknown triangle of love. They work for both men and women and it provides very intens sexual responses.

You do not need any toys for that. Your fingernails will do just fine. Try “scratching” the skin whilst just barely touching the skin in small circular patterns or from top to bottom and back. Go slow and be as gentle as yo can. The more subtle, the better.

In case you do like to grab an erotic toy, go for a feather or a specific tickler (erotic boutiques and online erotic shops have hundreds of them). A piece of fur will also do the trick. I cannot stress this enough – go for a gentle “teasing” approach. And don’t give up – the longer the better. You’ll soon have your partner squirming and “wiggling his or her tail”.

And if you want to be a little kinky, why not try using an ice cube. By all means: have fun.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for the powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Help, My Spouse Is Into Kinky Sex!


Below is one of the questions people ask me often. The situation is one that is not uncommon when it comes to erotic power exchange: one of the partners wants it, the other doesn’t. Hopefully this question and answer will help others.

Although written for a Male in charge situation, we feel this is relevant if the sexes are reversed

The Question

“I am looking for information that might cover the troubles that crop up in a relationship, particularly in a marriage, when one partner reveals his/her tendencies towards BDSM. I am the vanilla spouse of a man who believes he is dominant. We have been married eight years, and until about two years ago, I had no clue he had such interests. We have done some experimentation since he “came out,” but I do not find any of it appealing at all. It’s possible that the circumstances of some of our encounters turned me off to it all, but trust me, the turn off is permanent.

I have read a ton of information on this issue, have read stories, have talked to both dom(me)s and subs, have talked with my husband, etc. I’m one of those poor dull saps who just doesn’t get it.

My husband and I have reached a point in our marriage where he has decided that he needs to shelve his BD notions. About a week ago, the issue was whether I was the stronger pull or BD was the stronger pull. When I began talking about taking some time off from the marriage to give him a chance to sort out his feelings (it’s tough being married for eight years and realizing that you might not be picked), he said, adamantly, that he would put aside his feelings for BDSM and focus on the marriage.

It seems that our options are: he shelves his desires; I try to figure out a way to play with him (not going to happen); we negotiate a way for him to seek another “play” partner (this makes me whoozy because I understand the emotional involvement necessary and don’t think I can cope); we split up and he pursues his needs without the baggage of a vanilla spouse (not a terribly happy solution considering I love this little guy).

My question is, how likely is it that these feelings will surface in the future and cause him more conflict? We have discussed the possibility of his finding a sub and having a “no sex” relationship with her. But a number of things are a problem with that possibility. No. 1, I believe that erotic power exchange, whether it involves intercourse or not, is a form of sex (in other words, I am terminally monogamous). I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself. No. 2, he doesn’t want to “soil” the marriage with his needs (would rather divorce than soil it, I suspect). No. 3, he can’t find a partner.

Anyway, if you know of any resources, people, articles, books, organizations, angels, fairy godmothers, ANYONE or ANYTHING that might help me come up with some answers on this, I would be so grateful that I would – well, I don’t know what. I’m at a point where I’m struggling issues of trust, betrayal (of self and spouse), fear, etc. I looked through your listing of books and articles and didn’t see anything that looked even remotely helpful.

I apologize for the intimate and personal tone of this e-mail, but I am rather desperate. We are about to seek counseling (ug! but it’s necessary), but something tells me that I will find no answers there, that the focus will be on why he is the way he is. I AM grateful to have found your website. The listing of stages is MOST enlightening.”

My answer

Thank you for bringing up the question, because it is one many people have problems with. Let us start with saying that erotic power exchange emotions are not likely to disappear. Although science still has not determined exactly what determines our sexual preferences, it is becoming apparent that at least a substantial part of it is genetically encoded. Your husband is obviously facing a huge personal problem (and as a result so are you) that is not an easy nut to crack. Even though he may probably try to shelf his emotions for now, they are very likely to pop up again in the future and it is not unlikely they will become stronger, since he may try to shelf his emotions; the basic feelings and the fantasies will still be there. That brings a lot of strain in your relationship, no doubt.

There is very little or no literature on this. It boils down to incompatibility of partners (which is not uncommon – with or without erotic power exchange).

Having said this, the situation is probably not completely hopeless. We’ll get to that in a minute. First however another warning. You are very right in saying that erotic power exchange (even without “the act”) is a form of sexuality, hence there is indeed no erotic power exchange without sex. Having a play partner outside the relationship is a form many find to cope with problems like these. Does that work? Usually not. There are a couple of risks involved in such a set up:

  • * the erotic power exchange will bring out feelings and emotions between the two playing. Emotions that weren’t there before – at least not in a “live” situation. The play partners are very likely to bond, the non-playing spouse will feel left out and the other will be torn between two different people he (as in this case) shares his emotions with;
  • * “play without sex” is what many people will suggest to start with. You can take our word for it that some sort of “active sex” will evolve soon, since the tension built up in active play requires a release AND builds up sexual needs;
  • * since erotic power exchange to most people are very dear, personal and treasured emotions, sharing them with someone will automatically lead to a special bond that will grow and things that should not be in there will also slip in, even if the play partners sincerely do not want that to happen.

Hence, unless you find a commercial play partner (prostitute, which in this case is very unlikely because there are very little sub-prostitutes) you pay for playing but do do build up any “relationship” with, the risks of such a solution are huge. And you are right, you would have to agreee to all this too and cope with it.

Now, to the question, is this hopeless? Probably not. Without even knowing about exactly what has happened between the two of you so far it is likely things have started on the wrong foot and your husband is asking too much. Even without the specific dominant/submissive dynamics there are very little women that will not be attracted to “exciting” eroticism and sexuality (even though you may have to accept yourself and your desires first). Mind you, we are not going to throw the “you are submissive but you don’t know that yet” routine on you, because that is nonsense.

However, do try and envisage the following situation: you are blindfolded (with something soft like silk) and all he does is carress you, arouse you, kiss you all over, maybe tickle you a bit and undertakes every effort to seduce you. No whips, no ropes and cuffs, no heavy leather stuff, just a blindfold, maybe a glass of wine, candle light, soft music, comfort, enjoyment and MOST IMPORTANTLY, no stress. Just pure and simple enjoyment. Chances are you’d like that very much and this IS an erotic power exchange setting where you leave it to him to work his butt off to seduce you, while he will be the one that has the initiative and these are exactly the dynamics that we are really talking about.

Something like the above – and please take out the strain and the stress, forget about being called slave, calling him master or anything, forget about the fact that this is erotic power exchange, just enjoy – might be pure and simple joy and fun. There are a lot of other simple ways to bring out the same eroticism. For example, allow him to “order” you to cook a wonderful candlelight dinner for the two of you. That will probably make a nice entree to pure enjoyment too.

The examples above are simple and very erotic and intimate forms of role play without all the heavy stuff and they – or other ways – may bring about a wonderful way to experience what you yourself like and what not. Letting him pick your clothes for a change, you doing simple things to please him and he being receptive to that and responding to it, all of that is erotic power exchange and that may appeal to him as well as to you without the heavy stuff. The idea is to learn and play and BOTH try and experiment with FUN things, without the stress, the need, etcetera.

Will this go further? Who is to say. That totally depends on the two of you. But do try. It isn’t as scary as it seems as you can see (or at least it doesn’t have to be). It offers both of you a possibility to explore, for him to learn and understand that the trick (in any erotic power exchange setting) is subtlety and NOT the heavy stuff (most of what you see is pornography and has little to do with the things people do in their homes).

By all means do talk about this, communicate and exchange what both of you can and can not do. That goes for you too and should be respected

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Are “We” Different?

It is actually amazing to see people – outsiders especially – struggle with the phenomenon of BDSM (erotic power exchange if you like). It is, however, just as amazing to see that “the community” seems to forget about the obvious, when it comes to explaining what it is we do.

First this. There is a difference between “defending” and “explaining”. And that, in itself, is a power ritual.

When operating from the “defending” position the defender de facto places him/herself in the underdog position and, through the act of defending, the defender implicitely agrees that he/she is being attacked and – again implicitly – acknowledges that there is a reason for this attack, no matter how futile this reason may be.

Coming form the “explaining” (teaching or informing, if you like) position, he/she who explains places him/herself in an entirely different position: as an equal in the power-situation or – especially in a teaching-situation – in an even more powerful position. Personally, I prefer the the explaining-position, when it comes to talking to outsiders about BDSM.

Back to the subject at hand.

BDSM is nothing but an explicit (magnified) form of power play between people. And not necessarily limited to the sexuality-issue. In fact, the sexual connotations are probably part of the power-instruments, partners/players have in a BDSM-situation. That is why it would be very helpful if any research on BDSM would be taken OUT of the sexuality corner and into the corner where it belongs: sociology and anthropology – i.e. the sciences of the human behavior patterns and cultures.

BDSM doesn’t belong (or at best only partially belongs) in the field dominated by therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors.

Why, you might ask.

Power dynamics are as normal (and essential) to the human race as eating, drinking, breathing and sleeping. In other words: without it, the human race just doesn’t function the way it does. And neither does any society, human or animal. Just look at a society of monkeys, or lions, or elephants, or starfish and you’ll see power patterns. Patterns that are different from the human ones, but still power patterns. And these power patterns (next to such things as feeding and hunting) almost always apply to sexuality as well. Makes sense, since from an evolutionary point of view reproduction is priority number one. Keeping the species alive and in tact is even more important than breathing or feeding. Evolution doesn’t care if you die – as long as make sure you have taken care of your offspring, so the species continues to exist.

Reproduction = sexuality = inherent power dynamics!

Overpowering is natural (and genetically encoded) and in principle evolution again doesn’t care about moral, legislation and other norms and values. It just cares about reproduction and adaption. And – quite frankly it doesn’t matter who (male or female) takes the initiative – one partner will make sure he or she gets what he/she wants from an evolutionary point of view. Which is: mixing strong genes with other strong genes.

Since adaptation for any species is just as important as reproduction (reproduction in itself is useless if the species doesn’t adapt as well) norms and values are important and as a result will probably become an important part of the lovemaking/reproduction RITUAL. And ritual is the key word in any power driven situation. Ritual and conventions.

Here we go. Laborers and employers have their own rituals, when it comes to playing out the power dynamics between them – for example to gain better wages. Of course everyone knows that strikes will eventually lead to negotiations and to an end-result. So if we know we’ll need to negotiate sooner or later, what’s the use of a strike or a demonstration? Well, that is the power ritual. And that power ritual is part of the power-dynamics. Much like a mating ritual, actually. Fight first, become friends afterward and find a solution. The ritual is needed to allow both sides to later explain they were the winner. To each other as well as to the ones they represent. And even more important: the entire powerplay was an effective method to show how much they CARE!

Similar power rituals exist in politics. They do not always seem to make sense, but at least you might argue that since they’ve been around for centuries, we (the human race) apparently need them. And again the “we are showing we care” argument is just as important as the ritualistic behavior towards each other.

Similar principles apply in schools, or in economic competition, or in the workplace, or ….. well, you name it. There is hardly any area in a human life where there are no power dynamics involved, one way or another. So power dynamics are part of the way we (the human race) behave. Hence it is no surprise power dynamics will also play a role in the sexuality between partners. And they do – even in a non-BDSM context.

So power rituals in a sexual context are nothing new and nothing special. Showing you have power in many cases means: you care!

Hence sexual power play doesn’t belong in the “therapist corner”. You need to eat, otherwise you can’t have sex. That doesn’t turn food-science into an area for sexologists and therapists. You need to work in order to stay alive (and actually your economical success has a huge influence on your ability to mate). That doesn’t make economics the area area of psychologists.

In other words: power behavior is normal human behavior and power behavior in (or with) a sexual context is no different.

Next question: is magnifying the power dynamics in a sexual context any different from other power situations?

By designing a system where – and not only for practical reasons – we elect people to represent our interests when it comes to shaping and controlling the general society, the human race implicitly acknowledges that politics is a profession (although many might argue they’re not) and that an explicit power system is useful. If not, why do we need elections and (probably more importantly) “winners”? Why do we need different ideologies when we could just as well design a system, based on the concept on what is needed and reasonable? One answer is that the human race again needs to be able to see these power struggles going on and as a result identify with the winner of the battle.

The economy simple does not work without competition, although it would probably make a lot more sense to simply share what we have and – as a planet – work together to preserve the planet and grow what we need.

Still, life doesn’t work that way. An important part of marketing is that people want to share the success (of a brand or a product) in order to be able to identify with it. Again we need winners – someone or something with a strong power appeal.

And then we’re not even talking about the appeal of sports!

Not everyone wants to be part of a “power circle”. Not everyone becomes a politician, or a salesman, or an athlete. Some do. In sports, ahtletes are pretty useless without spectators.

In economics, products (and hence product-designers and marketeers) are useless without people buying them. And politicians are useless without the electorate.

So in any situation a small group magnifies the power-dynamics within that groups and plays and works with it. Hence, it only makes sense to expect a group of people to do the same in their lovemaking/sexuality. And yes, some do – they are “into BDSM”.

Apparently “we” are not much different.

But, there may be something else. “We” have things like fetishes, leather “uniforms” and power symbols such as whips.

Ritualistic behavior again is no different from other power situations. The powerful business world has its own symbols and rituals. Try entering a board-meeting in your jeans and T-shirt. No one will identify you are a powerful economical hotshot. However, dress sharp, buy an Armani suit, a tie, a cellphone, an attache-suitcase and an Audi or a Porsche and EVERYONE will recognize you as one. No different from leather trousers and a whip, I’d say.

A police uniform (among other things) is a symbol of power, so is the doctor’s white coat and the teacher’s jeans and sweater. Most members of any social group will tell you: “if you want to be one, look like one”. Show your colors. You don’t go to a baseball-match wearing your fishing outfit (and most certainly not wearing the colors of the club you do NOT support!).

Each social group – especially when it comes to the power dynamics within that group, has its own “fetishes” and rituals. Again, in sexual behavior things are no different. The “sexual power hotshots” (the BDSM-group) have their own. In principle, leather, whips and cuffs are no different from the Armani suit, the police-uniform and the baseball cap. Different in the way they look, but no different when it comes to function.

If the above is all true, is there any difference when it comes to “picking our battle grounds”, i.e. the “arena” where the power play is being exercised?

I’m afraid the answer again is: not really. Politics belong in their specific “houses”: the capitol, town hall, you name it. Legal battles belong in courthouses. Sports have their arenas and stadiums, the business world has its board and meeting rooms and BDSM has: its dungeons and the bedroom.

In other words: magnified power dynamics is nothing new, when it comes to general human behavior. And magnified power dynamics always require their specific environment, their specific rituals, behavior patterns, lingo, norms and values and fetishes and rituals.

So, no – “we” are no different. We’re actually very human.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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What is fetishism?

A fetish is an attribute, fabric, bodypart or situation that turns you on sexually. This can be anything and fetishes are different for different people. It can be a scent (such as perfume), hair, an attribute, clothing (high heels for example) or the sight of a man or woman on his or her knees.

leather clad Domme

Although it has somewhat of a negative connotation, fetishism is very normal and it is around all through everyday life. People who favor a specific brand (such as Nike) for clothing actually have a fetish. The entire fashion and cosmetics industry are largely based on the phenomenon.

Where does the word fetishism come from?

Fetish (sometimes also spelled as fetisj or fetich) originates from the Portugese word “fettiço”, which literally translates as “something made”. The word was used in the Middle Ages throughout Europe for “magic charm”, amulets brought by explorers from West-Africa, where they were known as “fettiche”. In antropolical terms a fetish is a religious symbol. As such the Christian cross can also be seen as a fetish.

Is fetishism a bad thing?

Thanks to Sigmund Freud (again) – who made the connection between sexual fetishes and “savages” – fetishism has been given a bad name for a long time, while in fact its origin is religious/spiritual symbolism. It is – however – quite normal and chances are literally everybody on the planet has at least one.

Why is fetishism so important in alternative lifestyles?

Some people have a different outlook on sexuality. Part of that is that they often have a sharp eye for detail and they will value such details highly. In that sense, for example, the scent of leather is a detail of leather clothing and gear. Attributes themselves are a detail of entire scenes. In this sense it is a symbol for something much bigger – an entire spectre of feelings, emotions, memories and fantasies.

What are the most common fetishes?

Blond hair, lingerie, leather, lace, latex and high heels are probably the most common fetishes. Another common ones are shaved bodyparts, such as the genital area. There is a wide variety of other “attractions”, such as ponytails, piercings, tattoos, school uniforms and white socks and gartherbelts.

Are there any hard to spot fetishes?

The most difficult thing to explain is the fact that there are people, with what is called an “attraction fetish”. This means they are attracted to but not really into and activity. For example, there are actually quite a few people who are not really into BDSM, but fascinated and turned on by the atmosphere.

Can fetishism be dangerous?

Anything that becomes an obsession can be dangerous. Fetishism by nature at least has an inherent risk of becoming an obsession. The most common risk is that people with a fetish become fanatics about it. This may easily lead to disputes and a lot of flaming, because people can become very touchy about the subject. This frequently happens in Internet chatrooms and on discussion lists and often – unfortunately – clouds discussions and exchange of ideas and opinions.

Can fetishism contribute to my erotics experience?

Fetishism – as explained – is largely symbolism and symbols play an important role in sexuality. Lingerie is an excellent example of how it can enhance your erotic experience. Other symbols – for example a piece or erotic art in your bedroom or dressing up and do some role play in the bedroom – can achieve the same thing. In this sense such symbols can help you to enhance the experience, for starters by acknowledging them.

Do different lifestyles have different popular fetishes?

One of the most obvious examples of how fetishes can be very popular in one lifestyle while largely irrelevant in another is foot worship, which is widely spread in the heterosexual mistress / submissive man culture, while virtually non-excistant in other lifestyles.

Can concepts be a fetish?

Actually, yes. One of the most vibrant examples of this are the many individual rituals, most BDSM couples have. These are usually very small and simple things, such as a specific gesture, a specific position, having to ask for certain things, etcetera. These rituals themselves are usually a turn on and as such a fetish.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm.He the chairman for the www.powerotics.com Foundation. This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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1.What is a sexually transmitted disease or STD?

Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) is the politically correct term for what used to be called “veneral disease (VD)”. These are diseases that are transmitted through or as the result of sexual activity (not just sexual intercourse).

There are no BDSM specific sexually transmitted diseases but like any other sexual activity BDSM activity CAN spread STDs.

Heterosexuals are a lot less STD aware than the homosexual world is, but they should be just as educated on the subject. As a result, the current risk groups for any STD are heterosexual women.

There are many different sexually transmitted diseases and certainly not all are directly related to the genital organs.

General information is freely and widely available from doctors, hospitals, first aid centers, pharmacies and of course on the Internet.

2. How does one get STD infected?

Some sexually transmitted diseases are viruses, others are caused by bacteria, some by plain and simple dirt. As a result, there are different ways, in which people can get STD infected. An important form of STD infection is the contact between bodily fluids (most importantly blood, sperm, vaginal fluids and mother milk). This is especially true the most lethal ones in the Western world: such as Hepatitis (around in different varieties) and HIV (Aids). As a result, contact with bodily fluids should be avoided by anyone who has more than one partner (even if that is only incidental) and partners who have not been solely together for MANY years (not months). Incubation time (the “lead” time before the actual infection shows itself), in the case of HIV for example may be as much as five to seven years.

Another well known cause of STD infection is lack of hygiene. In the BDSM world especially quite a lot of personal hygiene is neglected. Toys that have been on the floor or in a toy bag should not be used unless cleaned and – when brought into contact with the genital area – protected. One should wear latex gloves during penetration, especially when in a (more) public environment.

3. What do I do when I (think I) am STD infected?

There is only one answer: visit your doctor as soon as possible. Bear in mind that your doctor is not there to judge you, but to cure you. And yes, doctors have seen it all before and many times. If you feel troubled by having to go to your doctor, turn to a first aid center or a specific STD center if there is one in your area.

Every STD spreads like wildfire! They are among the most contagous diseases. In most cases if you are infected, you do not only have a responsibility to yourself, but also to your partner(s) and to an extent to you entire environment.

4. Can an STD be cured?

Some can, and some cannot. There are no cures yet for HIV, hepatitis C and various forms of herpes, for example. HIV and hepatitis C are potentially lethal. So is syphylus, but there is a good cure for this disease.

5. Does an STD only affect me?

Every STD will affect you but most will also effect your partner and maybe others (such as unborn children) if not properly taken care of. Sometimes an STD can be the cause of dead babies or incurable medical problems. Some will not really effect the bearer, but will badly effect the partner and – for example – cause infertility (in males especially).

6. How do I protect myself against STD infection?

Your first line of defense is strict personal hygiene. Wear latex gloves and use condoms, also on penetrating toys, such as dildos and vibrators. Regularly clean equipment and – for example – wash bondage ropes.

The second important line of defense is to educate yourself. Again, know what the risks are and avoid them.

7. Does an STD spread quicker, because of BDSM activity?

The BDSM community is very open. It is not unusual to temporarily exchange partners, people switch partners frequently and such things as BDSM parties open an easy risk for infection. Besides, BDSM activity implies much more physical contact than most other forms of sexual behavior and there is the frequent use of toys and equipment. So, there indeed are more opportunities for infection, compared to a standard vanilla relationship. As a result – although no real research has been done in this area – there should be a higher risk of spreading an STD.

8. What BDSM activities are likely to spread an STD?

All forms of penetration, genital or by means of toys, fingers, fists or the mouth are activities that can transmit an STD. In terms of BDSM there are also other activities. Whipping may occasionally cause small superficial skin wounds and any breakage of the skin is a serious crack in the bodies main line of defense against diseases, including many STDs. Bondage ropes, used in the genital area, are a well known vehicle for sexually transmitted diseases and so are internal toys (vibrators, dildos, Ben Wah balls, vibrating eggs, etcetera). Nipple clamps may also cause small skin wounds. In general, BDSM activity is much more physically intens and physically demanding than most other forms of sexual activity. As a result, you should be more careful.

9. Why do governmental and health organisation hardly ever mention BDSM-acitivity in their STD information?

Most forms of what is generally known as “alternative sexuality” (such as BDSM) are overlooked by governmental and health organisations, when it comes to information and education about STD risks. The reason for this is largely in the fact that such organisations simply will not believe there are that many practitioners and that such organisations have no clue about BDSM. “Alternative sexuality” in the entire education of health care professionals usually takes up as much space (and attention) as ONE PAGE IN ONE BOOK! That is, if alternative sexuality is being mentioned at all!

10. How can I help to inform people about STD risks?

If you happen to be active in a local BDSM community, or for example have a personal website about BDSM, try and devote some time and space to sexually transmitted diseases occasionally. For example, next to workshops about flogging, bondage or needle play, a workshop about STD prevention will be very helpful. But, since this is not a popular subject you may also want to settle for having leaflets available, writing something in your magazine or newsletter if you have one and putting information on websites.

Further reading:
Safe sex practices – Safe sex practice
Unsafe sex practices – Unsafe Femdom practices


©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He the chairman for the powererotics.com Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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