The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Understanding Male Submission in Femdom

Male submission within the context of Femdom delves into the intricate psychological and emotional dimensions that drive some men to find joy and fulfillment in surrendering control to a dominant woman. This dynamic is rooted in several core concepts, including trust, vulnerability, and the deep-seated desire to please their partner. For many men, the act of submission is not just about relinquishing power but also about establishing a profound connection based on mutual respect and understanding.

Trust is a cornerstone of male submission in Femdom. Submissive men must place immense trust in their dominant partner, believing that she will respect their boundaries and act in their best interest. This trust is not given lightly; it is built over time through consistent, open communication and mutual respect. In this dynamic, the submissive man finds comfort and security, knowing that his partner values his well-being and the consensual nature of their interactions.

Vulnerability is another critical aspect of male submission. By opening themselves up to another’s control, submissive men expose their most intimate and authentic selves. This willingness to be vulnerable allows for a deeper emotional connection, fostering a sense of closeness that is often absent in more conventional relationships. The act of submission becomes a means of expressing love and devotion, creating a unique bond between the partners.

The desire to please is a powerful motivator for many male submissives. Their actions, whether physical, emotional, or mental, are often driven by the need to satisfy their dominant partner. This desire can manifest in various forms of submission, from acts of service like household chores to more intimate expressions of obedience and compliance. Each act is a testament to their commitment and dedication to the relationship.

It is essential to emphasize the consensual nature of these dynamics. Consent and communication are paramount in establishing and maintaining a healthy Femdom relationship. Both partners must continuously negotiate and reaffirm their boundaries, ensuring that the dynamic remains fulfilling and respectful for both parties. This ongoing dialogue is crucial in navigating the complexities of male submission, allowing for a harmonious and mutually satisfying connection.

The Benefits of Male Submission for Both Partners

In the context of Femdom relationships, male submission can offer a multitude of benefits for both partners, fostering an environment conducive to personal growth, emotional bonding, and deeper connections. For the submissive male, embracing submission can be a transformative experience that encourages self-discovery and emotional vulnerability. By relinquishing control, submissive men often find a sense of liberation and relief from societal expectations, leading to increased self-awareness and personal growth.

The dominant female, on the other hand, can experience a heightened sense of empowerment and satisfaction through her role. The act of guiding and nurturing her submissive partner can strengthen her sense of authority and fulfillment, promoting a balanced dynamic where both partners feel valued and respected. This mutual respect and admiration enhance intimacy, as both individuals are free to explore their desires and boundaries within a safe and consensual framework.

One significant benefit of male submission is the enhancement of trust within the relationship. Trust is built as both partners communicate openly about their needs and boundaries, creating a secure space for vulnerability and honesty. This transparent communication is essential for developing a strong emotional bond, which in turn leads to a deeper and more meaningful connection.

Common misconceptions about male submission often paint it as a sign of weakness or inferiority. However, many individuals who have embraced this dynamic attest to the contrary. For instance, John, a submissive male, shares, “Submitting to my partner has been one of the most empowering experiences of my life. It has allowed me to be true to myself and has brought us closer than ever before.” Similarly, Jessica, a dominant female, states, “Having a submissive partner has strengthened our relationship in ways I never imagined. It has deepened our trust and intimacy, making us more connected.”

Ultimately, the benefits of male submission in a Femdom relationship are multifaceted, contributing to personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper, more fulfilling connection between partners. By challenging traditional gender roles and embracing their authentic selves, both partners can experience a dynamic that is both empowering and satisfying.

Article MissBonnie 2024

The Importance of Honesty and Trust in Femdom Relationships

a woman holding a bottle of milk to a man

Introduction to Femdom Relationships

Femdom, short for female dominance, refers to a type of relationship where the dominant partner is female, and the submissive partner is male. This dynamic stands in contrast to traditional power structures, which often see males in dominant roles. Femdom relationships are built on the principles of mutual consent, trust, and understanding, ensuring that both parties are fully aware and accepting of their roles within the relationship.

In a Femdom relationship, the dominant female, often referred to as the “Domme,” or “Dominatrix” (although most in the lifestyle consider this term as a play for play situation) The Domme takes the lead, while the submissive male, known as the “sub,” willingly relinquishes control. This dynamic can manifest in various forms, from everyday decision-making to more explicit expressions of dominance and submission, such as bondage, discipline, and other consensual power exchange practices.

What sets femdom relationships apart from traditional power dynamics is the emphasis on mutual consent and communication. Both partners must engage in open and honest conversations about their desires, limits, and boundaries. This dialogue is crucial in establishing a safe and respectful environment where both parties can thrive. The element of trust is paramount, as the submissive partner places a significant amount of trust in the dominant partner to respect their limits and ensure their well-being.

Additionally, femdom relationships often involve a high degree of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. The submissive partner’s willingness to give up control can be a profound act of trust, while the dominant partner’s role requires a deep sense of responsibility and care. This dynamic can lead to a unique and fulfilling connection, as both partners explore their roles and deepen their understanding of each other.

Overall, femdom relationships challenge traditional notions of power and control. By prioritizing mutual consent, trust, and communication, these relationships offer an alternative framework for exploring intimacy and connection, emphasizing the importance of honesty and understanding between partners.

Foundations of Honesty in Femdom

Honesty serves as a cornerstone in femdom relationships, establishing a crucial foundation upon which trust and mutual respect are built. In these dynamics, the exchange of power is not just physical but deeply psychological and emotional. This necessitates a level of transparency about desires, boundaries, and expectations that is unparalleled in more conventional relationships. When both parties are open and truthful about their needs and limits, it creates a safe space where vulnerabilities can be shared without fear of judgment or exploitation.

For instance, a dominant partner must be honest about their own capabilities and limitations. Overstating one’s ability to handle certain aspects of domination can lead to situations where the submissive partner feels unsafe or neglected. Similarly, a submissive partner’s honesty about their boundaries and discomforts ensures that they are not pushed beyond what they can handle, fostering a more secure and respectful environment.

Dishonesty, on the other hand, can severely undermine a femdom relationship. If a submissive partner withholds their true limits or a dominant partner misrepresents their experience, the trust between them erodes. Such deceit can lead to feelings of betrayal and emotional harm, making it difficult for either party to feel secure and respected. For example, if a submissive partner is not forthcoming about their hard limits, a dominant might inadvertently cross a boundary, resulting in emotional and psychological distress.

Thus, honesty is not merely a desirable trait but a fundamental requirement in femdom relationships. It ensures that both partners can navigate their roles with confidence and care, fostering a dynamic that is both fulfilling and respectful. By maintaining an unwavering commitment to honesty, femdom relationships can thrive on a foundation of mutual trust and understanding, allowing both parties to explore their desires and boundaries in a safe and supported manner.

Building Trust: The Cornerstone of a Healthy Dynamic

In the context of femdom relationships, trust serves as the bedrock upon which the entire dynamic is built. Establishing and nurturing trust allows both partners to engage fully in their roles, confident that their vulnerabilities will be respected and protected. Trust is not given lightly; it is earned and maintained through consistent and transparent communication, mutual respect, and unwavering commitment to each other’s well-being.

For the dominant partner, trust means understanding and honoring the submissive’s boundaries, desires, and limits. This knowledge forms the foundation for creating a safe space where both can explore their roles without fear of judgment or harm. The submissive, in turn, must trust that the dominant will act in their best interest, safeguarding their physical and emotional safety. This mutual trust enables a deeper connection and a more fulfilling relationship.

The process of building trust in femdom relationships involves several key steps. Initially, both partners must engage in open and honest conversations about their expectations, needs, and limits. This dialogue should be ongoing, allowing for adjustments and reaffirmations as the relationship evolves. Transparency in communication helps to prevent misunderstandings and fosters a sense of security.

Consistency is another crucial component of trust-building. Both partners must reliably adhere to the agreed-upon dynamics and roles, demonstrating their commitment to the relationship’s framework. Actions that reflect reliability and predictability help to reinforce trust over time.

Additionally, trust is bolstered by demonstrating empathy and understanding. Recognizing and validating each other’s feelings and experiences creates an environment of mutual respect. Empathy allows both partners to navigate challenges together, strengthening their bond.

Maintaining trust requires ongoing effort and vigilance. Regular check-ins and reflections on the relationship’s health are essential. Addressing any breaches of trust promptly and sincerely can help to repair and fortify the connection. Ultimately, trust is the cornerstone of a healthy femdom dynamic, enabling both partners to thrive and experience the full depth of their relationship.

Communication: The Key to Maintaining Honesty and Trust

In the realm of Femdom relationships, effective communication is the cornerstone for maintaining honesty and trust between partners. Open and continuous dialogue ensures that both parties feel valued and understood, which is fundamental in any power exchange dynamic. The consistent practice of transparent communication fosters a strong foundation built on mutual respect and trust.

One crucial strategy for effective communication is the implementation of regular check-ins. These scheduled moments allow partners to discuss their feelings, boundaries, and any issues that may have arisen. Regular check-ins create a dedicated space for addressing concerns and reaffirming commitments, thus reinforcing the trust that underpins the relationship.

Active listening is another pivotal component of effective communication. It involves more than just hearing the words spoken; it requires attentively listening to understand the emotions and intentions behind those words. By practicing active listening, both partners demonstrate respect for each other’s perspectives and foster a deeper connection. This, in turn, nurtures an environment where honesty can flourish.

Moreover, the use of safe words is an essential strategy in Femdom relationships. Safe words provide a clear and unambiguous way for partners to communicate their limits and express their need for pause or cessation of certain activities. Establishing and respecting safe words is a vital practice that upholds the principles of consent and trust, ensuring that both partners feel secure and respected.

Ultimately, the goal of these communication strategies is to ensure that both partners feel heard and understood. This mutual understanding is the bedrock of honesty and trust in Femdom relationships. By prioritizing open dialogue, active listening, and the use of safe words, partners can navigate their dynamic with confidence and integrity, fostering a relationship that thrives on mutual trust and respect.

Navigating Boundaries and Limits Honestly

In any relationship, clearly defined boundaries and limits play a crucial role in maintaining mutual respect and understanding. This is particularly true in femdom relationships, where the power dynamics can add an extra layer of complexity. Honest discussions about what is acceptable and what is off-limits are essential to prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both partners’ needs and limits are respected.

When entering a femdom relationship, it is important for both the dominant and submissive partners to have an open and honest dialogue about their expectations, desires, and limitations. These conversations should be ongoing, adapting as the relationship evolves. Discussing boundaries upfront can help to establish a solid foundation of trust, allowing both partners to feel secure in their roles.

Honesty in these discussions means being transparent about one’s comfort levels and being willing to listen to the other person’s perspective. This can involve talking about physical limits, emotional boundaries, and even specific scenarios that may or may not be acceptable. By clearly articulating these points, both partners can avoid potential conflicts and ensure that their experiences are positive and consensual.

Furthermore, setting boundaries and limits honestly helps to foster an environment of mutual respect. It signals that each partner values the other’s well-being and is committed to maintaining a healthy and respectful dynamic. This mutual respect is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and it is especially important in a femdom context where power imbalances can easily be misunderstood if not properly communicated.

In summary, navigating boundaries and limits with honesty is paramount in femdom relationships. It serves to protect both partners’ emotional and physical well-being, enhances trust, and strengthens the overall bond. By prioritizing open communication and respecting each other’s boundaries, couples can ensure a fulfilling and harmonious relationship.

Dealing with Breaches of Trust

Breaches of trust in femdom relationships can have profound and far-reaching impacts. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, and in the context of femdom, it becomes even more critical due to the inherent power dynamics. When trust is broken, it can lead to feelings of betrayal, insecurity, and emotional distress for both parties involved. Addressing these breaches requires a thoughtful and systematic approach to rebuild the foundation of trust.

The first step in dealing with a breach of trust is to acknowledge the issue transparently. This involves a sincere apology from the person who broke the trust, recognizing the harm caused, and taking full responsibility for their actions. An apology, however, is only the beginning. It must be accompanied by genuine remorse and a commitment to making amends.

Accountability is crucial in this process. The individual who breached the trust should engage in open communication, allowing the affected party to express their feelings and concerns. This dialogue helps to clear misunderstandings and provides a platform for both parties to rebuild their connection. Additionally, the person at fault should be prepared to answer questions and offer explanations to clarify the situation further.

Consistent behavior changes are essential to demonstrate a genuine commitment to rebuilding trust. This involves setting and adhering to new boundaries, being transparent about actions and intentions, and showing reliability over time. Consistency in behavior reassures the affected party that the breach of trust was an isolated incident and not a recurring pattern.

Rebuilding trust is not an instantaneous process; it requires patience, effort, and time from both parties. Regular check-ins and reaffirmation of the commitment to the relationship can facilitate healing and restoration of trust. By working together, individuals in a femdom relationship can overcome breaches of trust and strengthen their bond, ensuring a more resilient and trusting partnership moving forward.

The Role of Honesty and Trust in Emotional Intimacy

Honesty and trust play pivotal roles in cultivating emotional intimacy within femdom relationships. These elements form the bedrock upon which partners can build a connection that transcends the physical aspects of their relationship, fostering a deeper emotional bond. In the realm of femdom, where dynamics often involve significant power exchange, being open and truthful about one’s feelings and experiences is crucial.

Emotional intimacy is deeply interwoven with vulnerability. When partners in a femdom relationship share their innermost thoughts and emotions, they create a space where both individuals feel seen, heard, and understood. This mutual vulnerability allows for a more profound connection, as each partner acknowledges and respects the other’s emotional landscape. Trust, in this context, becomes the safety net that encourages such openness.

Being honest about one’s desires, fears, and boundaries is essential in any relationship, but it takes on heightened importance in femdom dynamics. The dominant partner must trust that the submissive is forthcoming about their limits and comfort levels, while the submissive must trust the dominant to respect those boundaries. This exchange fosters a sense of security and mutual respect, which are indispensable for emotional closeness.

Furthermore, honesty about experiences and feelings can lead to more meaningful and fulfilling interactions. When partners communicate openly, they can address any issues or misunderstandings that arise, preventing resentment or dissatisfaction from taking root. This transparency ensures that both partners’ needs are met, enhancing the overall quality of the relationship.

In femdom relationships, where the nuances of power dynamics can complicate emotional exchanges, the importance of honesty and trust cannot be overstated. These qualities enable partners to navigate their relationship with empathy and understanding, ultimately leading to a deeper and more resilient emotional bond. By prioritizing honesty and trust, femdom relationships can flourish, providing both partners with a rich and rewarding emotional connection.

Conclusion: The Lifelong Journey of Honesty and Trust

In exploring the dynamics of femdom relationships, it becomes abundantly clear that honesty and trust are fundamental cornerstones. These elements are not merely optional but are imperative for the relationship’s health and sustainability. The initial agreement, where boundaries and expectations are outlined, sets the stage for ongoing transparency and mutual respect. As discussed, consistent communication fosters an environment where both partners feel safe and valued. This is particularly significant in a femdom relationship where power dynamics necessitate an even deeper level of trust.

Moreover, the challenges that may arise, whether they are emotional, psychological, or practical, can be navigated more seamlessly when honesty is upheld. Trust enables both partners to express vulnerabilities without fear of judgment, thereby strengthening their bond. The commitment to maintaining these principles is not a one-time effort but an ongoing journey that requires continuous dedication and effort from both parties. This dedication is what ultimately transforms a femdom relationship from merely functional to profoundly fulfilling.

The rewards of such a relationship, built on the solid foundation of honesty and trust, are manifold. Not only does it lead to a deeper emotional connection, but it also enhances the overall quality of life for both partners. The sense of security and mutual respect fosters a nurturing environment where both individuals can thrive. Therefore, embracing these principles is not just beneficial; it is essential for the longevity and richness of the relationship.

In closing, the path to a successful femdom relationship is paved with honesty and trust. These are not static concepts but evolving commitments that require ongoing attention and care. By prioritizing these values, both partners can enjoy a deeply rewarding and enriching relationship that stands the test of time.

Article MissBonnie 2024

The Importance of a BDSM Partner Checklist

topless man and woman holding each other

The Importance of a BDSM Partner Checklist

When it comes to engaging in BDSM activities, communication and consent are key. One effective tool that can help facilitate this is a BDSM partner checklist. This checklist is a comprehensive list of activities, preferences, limits, and boundaries that each partner can fill out and discuss together. It serves as a starting point to get to know your partner on a deeper level and establish open lines of communication.

Creating a Safe and Consensual Environment

A BDSM partner checklist is an essential tool for creating a safe and consensual environment. It allows both partners to clearly express their desires, boundaries, and limits. This ensures that all activities are consensual and that both partners are comfortable and on the same page.

By discussing the checklist together, partners can uncover shared interests and explore new possibilities. It also provides an opportunity to address any concerns or fears that may arise during the conversation. This open and honest dialogue helps build trust and strengthens the bond between partners.

Enhancing Intimacy and Connection

Engaging in BDSM activities requires a high level of trust and intimacy between partners. By using a BDSM partner checklist, you can deepen your understanding of each other’s desires, fantasies, and limits. This knowledge allows you to tailor your experiences to each other’s needs, enhancing the overall intimacy and connection in your relationship.

Furthermore, the process of filling out the checklist together can be a bonding experience in itself. It encourages vulnerability and fosters a sense of emotional closeness. By openly discussing your desires and boundaries, you create a safe space for each other to be authentic and explore your deepest desires.

In conclusion, a BDSM partner checklist is a valuable tool for anyone interested in exploring BDSM activities. It promotes communication, consent, and understanding between partners, creating a safe and consensual environment. By using this checklist, you can enhance intimacy, deepen your connection, and embark on a journey of exploration and pleasure together.

you will find many type of these within our Community

Further related reading:

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

Article MissBonnie copyright 2024

I’m often asked about punishment by new Domina‘s.

How do I punish?

What should I do? What do you punish?

What do I let slide and forgive?

I can only answer these question for myself and comment on how I deal with punishment issues. How you choose to deal with infractions is up to yourself, and your own individual flare and style. Dominas all have different needs and different requirements from submissives…what I require from my submissives may be different to your needs.

Punishment is an inevitable element of relationships between a Mistress and a sub. To speak shortly, punishment is designed for behaviour correction. But all involved in BDSM/Femdom know that punishment is a gift and the Domme’s benefaction as it helps to get free from feeling of guilt and it is a sign of the Top’s care for her sub. This article is not meant as ‘how too guide’ but more for a creative spark to plan your own course of punishment actions. The main issue with punishments that I can’t stress highly enough is consistency! If you threaten to punish him/her follow it through! Your submissive is seeking your guidance and control. Not punishing an act you find unacceptable is sending out a message you have no control.

Perhaps there is no need to mention that necessity of punishment must be realized by the slave and no penalty can take place without the sub’s agreement. Femdom relationships always imply love goodwill, and safe sane and consensual actions. So punishment must be necessarily discussed in advance. To effectively punish. Punishment requires some suggestions which can be followed any time a Domme finds it necessary to give her sub a lesson.

Three Main Punishment suggestions

  • 1. Punishment in any detail must be different from other types of Femdom action. Otherwise the submissive is going to get used to it and take punishment as something habitual – what lesson is he going to be given than? For instance you can have special BDSM toys used only for punishment and nothing else. Use them only when punishing your sub. In this case these BDSM toys are going to be associated only with actions intended to punish him/her.
  • 2. It is the Domme who defines severity of punishment as well as its other details. The Domme chooses the time her Sub is going to be punished, What BDSM toys she is going to use, tortures the sub must undergo etc. All these things must not be discussed; otherwise this is going to be anything but punishment and in fact might be something the submissive seeks out and desires!
  • 3. One offence – one punishment. This is the main principle which if not followed makes punishment useless. The sub must always be aware what s/he is being punished for.

Now let us speak about punishment itself. Actually punishment for my submissives consists of five suggested steps. They may or may not fit your chosen form of Femdom practices.

Step one. Explanation

This step implies explanation of what was done wrong and what your slave should have done instead. Make sure the submissive realizes his/her guilt otherwise everything that comes next is going to be of no use. Submissives left struggling with reasons for punishment often feel confused and disorientated with other activities. Left questioning they often question every action they undertake on your behalf. A submissive is not a mind reader ‘communication’ is a must if you ever wish to alter his/her behaviour.

Step two. Sub who begs for punishment.

Punishment might always involve this step and it might never imply it – everything depends on the Top. The bottom does not have the right to choose whether s/he should beg to punish him/her or not – this is not a matter for him/her to decide. A submissive asking to be punished is topping from the bottom and learning that s/he can alter the outcome of plans. Make a mental note that s/he is asking for punishment and try to evaluate why s/he is asking. Does s/he need more attention? Is s/he trying to manipulate you into action? Why is this occurring? This more often the question that needs addressing. Is there an underlying problem?

Step three. Getting ready for punishment and realization of guilt.

The fourth action is perhaps the longest one and it takes place without the Domme’s interference. I have found this step has helped my submissive/s greatly in rectifying his/her errors so they never reoccur. This might imply being on knees in very uncomfortable position in darkness. As well it might imply use of some BDSM toys, such as restraints. This step is very effective as being alone the bottom feels lonely and denied. Alone (or time out) allows for reflection time on the ‘error‘ the time out allows the submissive time from distractions to evaluate what has occurred. Time out also allows for the submissive to get in the right head space and let go off the vanilla world.

Step four. Punishment.

The fourth step is punishment itself. Here no recommendations can be given. Everything that takes place during this stage of punishment depends on the Domme and HER own personal tastes, likes and desires. This can be not only inflicting pain on the bottom as many might think. Verbal communication is as well very important.

The Mistress can order her sub to repeat a part of guilt explanation in order to find out that the slave understood and realized his/her guilt. Realization of guilt can be expressed in some other way, for instance by saying “Thank you, Mistress!” or “forgive me Mistress! “After each blow or by continuous licking the Mistress’ feet during the punishment.

Verbal communication between the top and the bottom implies that the Domme should let her sub know whether the latter can cry or not. As well she should make it clear what is going to happen if the bottom cries in spite of this prohibition.

The top can let the bottom know how long punishment is going to last, what toys she is going to use, using this method the Domme must be consistent in her set plan of action and never falter. My advise to the newer less confident Domme or Domina in a new relationship would to NOT do this if she can at all help it, setting punishments length or duration often means the submissive may have to take more than s/he needs or less than s/he needs at the time of punishment. By not informing the submissive of the full extent of the punishments details it allows you room to adjust without appearing to of ‘softened’ on the punishment or appearing to lost control of the situation. So again everything depends on the Domme’s will to remain consistent to her original punishment goal.

Step six. Forgiveness.

Punishment has ended. The top might order the bottom to thank her for punishment. She can let her slave know what punishment he is going to undergo for committing the same crime again. And of course the top must let this slave know whether the latter is forgiven or not. In the end I should say that the first punishment must be very severe. Than punishments might become rarer and less cruel. Full-fledged D/s relationships imply that after some time punishment must become a very rare event or there should be no punishments at all as the most terrible thing for a bottom is being deprived of his Mistress’ love.

What ever methods you choose make sure you are comfortable in there delivery. You are trying to give your submissive ’rules’ to suit your desires, using a method you dislike will only add to you not enjoying the process and delaying its deliverance.

Enjoy the process, it shouldn’t be a chore and shouldn’t be out of anger. Punishment should be administered because you know your submissive and yourself will ‘both’ benefit from it effects and outcome.

If you are angry step away and re gather your thoughts and personal control. Acting in anger can cause misjudgement in your actions. Actions need to be clear, concise, too the point, relaying your intended purpose for correction. Often punishments dealt in anger can lead to injury or relationship problems.

Once you have administered your chosen punishment after care may be required.

Article MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs.com 2008

Inner Mistress or Domme

its actually really hard being a fledgling Dominant.

How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?

Anyone got good ideas for our newer list members?

Some ideas picked up along the way (and by no means exhaustive)

1 thyself.

  • Have a long hard think about if and why you identify as Dominant. do you love it? you don’t really know. Embark on your journey into D/s to find the answers out for yourself, don’t pretend you have them all already.

2 Read Read and Read Some more reading

  • I found that it helped to read up on the technical side first. Choose your own favorites. No doubt there are loads of web sites and mailing lists like this one to read as well. discriminating about what you read in mail lists and web sites. There is a vast difference between D/s fantasy and the practice in real life. A lot of very wise sounding advice is given online, but question how much of it is based on practical experience (including the inevitable making of mistakes!!). takes a long while to work out who is for real and who is spinning a (lovely) fantasy. However, reading about BDSM is a bit like reading cookbooks. cannot learn to cook until you try it.

3 Get out

  • We have heaps of BDSM clubs, parties and dungeons in Victoria (Chains, Hush Now, Perversity, Purgatory, Abode, CyberBall to name a few), so there’s no excuse for staying at home reading the net!!

4 all the other Dominants you can

  • It helps enormously to make friends with other Dominants. of them. experience and gravitas in your local scene will eventually rub off on you! most of them are egotistical enough (me included!!) to like the idea of taking a new Dominant under their wing. dead easy to convince some Tops to give you impromptu lessons in slave training, flogging, bondage etc love to talk!!

5 trying

  • However, it can be hard to befriend some "Dominants" because they Know It All and have a really tedious need to dominate everyone (not just their own sub/s). might also get snubbed by the occasional “Queen of the Scene” (happens to me all the time!)Don’t give up – I believe that every city’s scene has Dominants that are mature (and secure) enough to properly befriend and mentor new Dominants. Go to events, meet lots of people and seek out the Dominants that strike you as approachable and reasonably well liked (ESPECIALLY by other Dominants. easy to fool some of the subs some of the time, but if a "Dominant" cannot get along with other Dominants, then they definitely have problems

6 Choose a same sex mentor (unless you are gay)

  • It may seem easier to seek out mentors of the opposite sex, but be conscious that Dominants can have totally explosive chemistry with one another. starts out as a bit of flirtation can turn into a wild ride of switching, mind fucks and power games. is why a lot of Masters and Mistresses are love partners – and all power to them. as a new Dominant in search of self, I don’t recommend it (yet;)

7 your time

  • Notice I haven’t suggested run around like Lady Headless chook looking for submissives to play with? you can advertise like crazy all over the net and hang around the walls at every club, but what have you got to offer? Instead, push yourself to meet people of all persuasions (tops, bottoms, fetishists, male, female) and take a real interest in their lifestyle and personal choices. will help you discover your own style of Dominance, define your expectations and introduce you to potential partners.

8 Stay real

  • Most of all, stay yourself. to be A Real Dominant (what ever the hell that is) is doomed to failure. ‘T tell fibs exaggerating your experience or skill. bit of humility and grace goes a long way. egos, low self esteem and dishonesty are NOT Dominant and everyone else knows it. If you are genuine, self assured, approachable and dominant without being domineering (they are TOTALLY different things), your submissive will find you. than you think.

9 Pass it on

  • And remember that one day you will no longer be a newbie, and then it will be your turn to hold out the hand of friendship to newcomers.

largely reprinted from my articles posted elsewhere – so apologies to those who have heard it all before or BDSM if you aren’t strictly into D/s – I use the expressions pretty interchangeably …

Article MissBitch & MissBonnie CollarNccuffs.com

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?

Articles about body image usually focus on either shaping-up or honoring the shapes we have, even if they’re more voluptuous (for women) or heftier (for men) than the media’s ideal. However, there’s another side to the body acceptance story that some might call a darker, or even more bizarre side. It turns a cultural preoccupation with thinness and dieting completely upside down.

The story begins right here on the internet, where forums have sprung up for admirers of the large and lovely. As with other niche erotic preferences, connections in cyberspace have brought the most extreme variations on this theme out of the shadows and onto millions of screens. Many men are confused by their attraction to extremely fat women (or men, if they are gay), especially if their attraction extends to fantasies of feeding imaginary partners mounds of delicious food until they develop ever grander mounds of luscious flesh. As one Love and Health letter-writer says: “I go online to look at sites that Im not proud of, and I fear getting into a relationship where I force feed a woman into obesity. How can I calm my fetish so that I dont force feed my partner? Is the answer therapy, hypnosis, medication, or what?”

This question is similar to those asked by many others whose niche erotic preferences are so exclusive and overpowering that they constitute an undeniable fetish. Yet fetishes are not always unhealthy, and they don’t always pose severe problems. Often, the shame, confusion and fear surrounding a fetish can be far more debilitating than the fetish itself. The shame, not the sexual urges attached to specialized activities, interferes with life’s ordinary pleasures more than an acceptance of the fetish might. Sometimes, the difference between a gratifying and isolating fetish is, first of all, the ability to distinguish between fantasy aspects and “real life” attributes of the fetish, and, second, whether the fetishizer has the support of an erotic co-conspirator: a loving partner who is equally enthralled by a complimentary role in the fetish activity. I will add – although it should go without saying – that an acceptable fetish is always consensual, adult-adult, and does no harm to either participant.

When it comes to eroticizing larger than average body size, as with many other preferences, people tend to align within certain camps and sub-camps, some accepting of and others rejecting the fetish label. Men attracted to BBWs (big beautiful women) might not consider themselves any more fetishistic than men who are attracted to blondes instead of brunettes, or nerdy types over cutesy girls-next-door. Some of those who are primarily attracted to BBWs might see themselves as part of the “fat admirer” (FA) community, without regarding their preference as a fetish. Other FAs, however, not only find large women lovely, but they eroticize fat, are completely uninterested in slender women, and simply don’t date them. Such FAs would lean further toward the “fetish” end of a continuum that places appreciation or interest on one end and fetish on the other.

The letter-writer who fantasizes about feeding a partner into obesity clearly has reached the fetish end of the spectrum – and he knows it. As within most internet sex-oriented communities, there is ongoing dialogue about exactly which behaviors fall into which sub-categories and what labels best apply to each. In the “Feeder” world, this is certainly the case. However, the following terms are general enough to accurately reflect the accepted language of this realm.

Real life relationships between those known as “Feeders” (most often men) and their counterparts, known as “Gainers” or “Feedees” (most often women), can develop out of a mutually compelling need. However, a person need not have a Gainer in their life to be a Feeder. Feeders are more likely to exercise their fetish in fantasy than to indulge it in reality. As one Feeder writes: “I enjoy reading Feeder stories on the internet and fantasizing about feeding someone and having them gain weight. But I have never actually tried to fatten up a partner. Its only a fantasy for me.” However, Feeders and Gainers do find each other and hook up.

Rarely do Feeders coerce an otherwise uninterested partner into eating and gaining weight. Where the fetish is played out, the fetish is usually a shared one, and weight limits are consensually designated, with an erotic charge attached to the feeding, gaining, and attaining of the goal. While fantasies of non-consensual feeding can be a turn-on, it’s important to understand that, just like any other fantasy that involves coercion – even romance novels’ swashbuckling bodice-ripper fare – it’s one matter to imagine overwhelming someone or being taken unwillingly, and it’s quite another to live it. No healthy person with a rapist or ravishment fantasy is going to carry it any further than a consenting role-play scenario. (Anyone feeling urges to force any erotic activity on another, or to place oneself in danger, should immediately seek professional counseling.)

For compatible, consensual Feeders and Gainers, the act of feeding and eating is an erotically heightened experience, beyond even the sensual epicurean levels that most of us can relate to. Obviously, F/G relationships can carry dire consequences when the fetish embraces such extreme obesity that the Gainer’s mobility and health are compromised. While F/G relationships always have some characteristics in common with dominant/submissive relationships, a seriously obese Gainer’s immobility makes her quite literally dependent, and the Feeder can in fact control her. This set-up will take the D/s aspect to a potentially dangerous, probably non-consensual extreme, and I would venture to say that it is far outside the boundaries of what any professional would consider an acceptable expression of erotic preference.

Websites abound for men and women who adore the fat form, fat fantasy and Feeder imagery. For instance, photo-manipulation sites showcase celebrities “before and after” packing on 50-100 pounds, so that the formerly svelte pin-up is viewed in pulchritudinous glory. One of the more fascinating aspects of this Photoshop phenomenon is the realization that many super-thin women also look gorgeous as women of size. Do they look different? Yes; but still lovely in a startlingly alternative way. Or, perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that they look beautiful within an alternative dimension: an imaginary world where nobody is held hostage to current standards of thinness. These photo sites make a political point that can hardly be lost on anyone with a conscience, even if they are not avowed FAs. But, viewed from another angle, these sites are also erotica for the true FA, even though they are no more explicit than a Victoria’s Secret catalogue is to the mainstream. Yet, benign as they are, visits to these sites – and, of course, to more explicit fat-fantasy sites – can induce enormous shame in fat admirers whose preference (or fetish) is still considered by a thin-centric society to be gross and perverse.

So what do we say to men who ask how to “calm” their fetish for fat women, whether they include Feeder fantasies or not? Do we tell them to get help to alter their preferences, or suggest they seek support among others of like mind? Do we assist them in standing up to a society that is less than accepting of their ideal partners? Or do we urge them to change?

My advice is to realize that there is no single answer, no easy solution to any of our complex erotic patterns. Balancing social, emotional and sexual forces is a mighty effort for even the most ordinary “vanilla” man or woman, let alone anyone who deviates from the ordinary. Eccentric or novel erotic attractions can be as safe and healthy as the most common ones – or over the edge. It’s all a question of balance. My advice is to check in with yourself first: if your erotic style or activities are troubling you, speak with a certified sex therapist (www.aasect.org). She or he can help you determine what your erotic interest means, how much fantasy or fetish-reality you can handle, under what sets of circumstances you can safely explore your needs, and how far you can go. Rarely is it necessary or even possible to entirely eradicate a fetish – or even a strong preference. Instead, combining education and supportive counseling with discovering your own comfortable limits and boundaries – and, best yet, a compatible partner or partners – will offer the most successful approach in the long term

Article :Dr. Davidson

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine.

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Tips for a Femdom beginner

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.

The information given below will let you know more about these problems and the ways these problems can be solved.

Stereotypes.

Many femdoms beginners cannot get pleasure of their dominance because of not being up to some stereotypes related to BDSM activity. These are typical thoughts of a woman who has just made her first steps in dominance – “I am supposed to inflict pain on my slave, I am supposed to be called the Mistress, I must wear especial clothing, I must use some certain BDSM toys. But there are some things I don’t quite like. Does it mean I am not a true femdom?”

No, it doesn’t. Stereotypes are designed specially for destroying them. You must not be up to any stereotypes. You can wear any clothing you want, you can use any BDSM toy you wish, your scenario can involve all your fantasies, no matter whether they are standard or not. And keep in mind – Dominance is not based on inflicting pain. It is based on making your partner react the way you want him to. Different people apply different methods for this purpose – from quite light up to very severe ones. The main thing is that you both should get pleasure, and no one can tell you what you should do.

Diffidence

Diffidence and hesitation are quite characteristic of a femdom beginner. She cannot relax thinking about the way she looks, the way she behaves and of course about whether her slave is pleased with the session. These fears are quite natural, but if not overcome they cannot spoil pleasure of both the femdom and her submissive.

Actually, first of all you should remember that this is you who dominates, that is why this is you who decides everything. Only you can decide how severe you should be, only you can choose BDSM toys you are going to use, only you rule the game because you are the dominant. Do not let hesitation make you weak.

Ways to overcome diffidence

1. Get rid of your hesitations during the sessions.

Let us take an example. Possibly you are not sure enough whether your submissive finds you sexually attractive enough. Do not think about this matter. Instead ask your submissive – Am I a Goddess of sex? He will be glad to say you are. You might hesitate whether to use this or that Femdom toy or accessory. Hesitation does not make you more dominant. Instead say confidently – I know you want me put these cuffs on your ankles! I know you want get a few blows with this whip!

2.Don’t let your submissive object to anything

Keep in mind that no submissive can let you know what you should do during the session. He cannot object to using a BDSM toy, he cannot ask you to do something. All problems must be discussed after the session otherwise your D/S relationships lose any sense. Of course make sure you know his hard limits…that is a given, for any Femdom scene.

Improper planning

After you master basic things you might want to enrich your experience. Very often femdoms beginners make mistakes when planning the session by making up too thorough or not enough detailed scenario.

The main advantage of domination is its unpredictable nature. By making a too detailed plan you become dependent on it. For example when facing an unexpected reaction of your partner you might begin thinking you have done something wrong, that your incompetence has made a problem.

The opposite problem is insufficient planning.. You do not prepare anything – neither BDSM toys nor your roles, etc – you are likely to look at your helpless partner trying to guess what you should do next. This will inevitably make you less self-confident. Such things are easy to avoid. Make plans, but let them be not too detailed. Do not limit yourself by a strict order of actions. Instead simply take into account what you are going to do and do this when you would like to.

Article MissBonnie February 2009 CollarNuffs.com

Talking spicy in your bedroom

New Dommes don’t be surprised to know that your partner wants to hear spicy talks during an intercourse. It is a well-known fact that particular voice can arouse even more than actual stimulation. No wonder, telephone sex is so popular. The art of talking sexy can become quite difficult to begin, if you got used to keeping silence in your bedroom. Don’t refuse talking sexy if you want to take your relationship at a new intimate level! It doesn’t mean though that you should stick to dirty words and repeat them every time you partner asks.

How to talk sexy

Of course, such verbal stimulation can make you feel a bit embarrassed, and this may keep you from making his or your dreams come true. To start out a nasty talk you need to concentrate on what your partner wants, or rather I should say, needs to give him the power you long to take. You may think over various sex positions, sex toys, role-playing, restraining, oral pleasure and things like that to give a free play to your imagination. Another way to inspire yourself for spicy communication is to watch adult movies together with your partner. Watch him closely, what words got reactions?

Find the right words

It can be quite intimidating to find those special words, which describe his genitals or actions you want him to perform or you want to do. Of course, not every man can find it comfortable to hear words like “dick“ or “cock“, and you shouldn’t behave as a slut to turn him on actually. Be playful and experiment with different phrases to heighten your sexual experience. You don’t need to pretend or invent something, just follow your urges and let your desires be caught up in uncontrollable flood. Don’t restrict your emotions saying “You look sexy”, “Your cock is so hard”, “You make me shiver” and so on. Avoid standard long phrases to explain your feelings, telling him a whole story. Make your voice sound deeper with long inhales; this will sound more exciting to him.

Talk about sex

Try to introduce talks about sex before you get in the bedroom. Your likes and dislikes can be a good start for such communication. You shouldn’t make a list of sex positions your former ex-boyfriends/subby preferred to use.

It’s better to talk as if discussing your fantasies: “I would love if you …”,”the thought of …makes me hot“. Such communication is a good basis for solid enduring intimate relationships. Tell your partner on your preferences during a foreplay, like “I want it softer or harder?”,”Upper or lower?“

Spicy talking manner

Start talking nasty to yourself to get used to the feeling. The manner in which you will be talking to your partner is subject to what kind of play are you going to initiate. If you plan to be seductive and mysterious, try to whisper in his ears sweet and teasing words. If you are into playful mood, talk in a ticklish and chummy style. Let yourself be bossy, when you intend to have a hot bondage play. Just give in to your emotions and be receptive to his desires, making sure to take your own into account. Don’t forget that words may sound offensive for a particular partner in certain circumstances and be highly arousing for the other one. You may try and write your fantasies down. For example, you may write him a note where you suggest him to buy some naughty sex toys. He can take time to think over and even if he isn’t normally enthusiastic about such ideas, he may change his mind later.

Get the setting ready

Take him by surprise. Nothing can be more thrilling than unexpected erotic play. Just imagine you are whispering him nasty “I’m wet” in his ears being in a crowded place or ask him to touch you there…in an elevator. Expect him home earlier than usual! It’s important to have right accessories at your side to create this special atmosphere. For example, you can take massaging oil, leather cuffs and other sex toys to have a good deal of dirty talks. After some more practice you will feel yourself different and know that talking sex is no more a taboo for (both of)you.

Article MissBonnie February 2009

I’m often asked about punishment by new Domina‘s.

How do I punish?

What should I do? What do you punish?

What do I let slide and forgive?

I can only answer these question for myself and comment on how I deal with punishment issues. How you choose to deal with infractions is up to yourself, and your own individual flare and style. Dominas all have different needs and different requirements from submissives…what I require from my submissives may be different to your needs.

Punishment is an inevitable element of relationships between a Mistress and a sub. To speak shortly, punishment is designed for behaviour correction. But all involved in BDSM/Femdom know that punishment is a gift and the Domme’s benefaction as it helps to get free from feeling of guilt and it is a sign of the Top’s care for her sub. This article is not meant as ‘how too guide’ but more for a creative spark to plan your own course of punishment actions. The main issue with punishments that I can’t stress highly enough is consistency! If you threaten to punish him/her follow it through! Your submissive is seeking your guidance and control. Not punishing an act you find unacceptable is sending out a message you have no control.

Perhaps there is no need to mention that necessity of punishment must be realized by the slave and no penalty can take place without the sub’s agreement. Femdom relationships always imply love goodwill, and safe sane and consensual actions. So punishment must be necessarily discussed in advance. To effectively punish. Punishment requires some suggestions which can be followed any time a Domme finds it necessary to give her sub a lesson.

Three Main Punishment suggestions

  • 1. Punishment in any detail must be different from other types of Femdom action. Otherwise the submissive is going to get used to it and take punishment as something habitual – what lesson is he going to be given than? For instance you can have special BDSM toys used only for punishment and nothing else. Use them only when punishing your sub. In this case these BDSM toys are going to be associated only with actions intended to punish him/her.
  • 2. It is the Domme who defines severity of punishment as well as its other details. The Domme chooses the time her Sub is going to be punished, What BDSM toys she is going to use, tortures the sub must undergo etc. All these things must not be discussed; otherwise this is going to be anything but punishment and in fact might be something the submissive seeks out and desires!
  • 3. One offence – one punishment. This is the main principle which if not followed makes punishment useless. The sub must always be aware what s/he is being punished for.

Now let us speak about punishment itself. Actually punishment for my submissives consists of five suggested steps. They may or may not fit your chosen form of Femdom practices.

Step one. Explanation

This step implies explanation of what was done wrong and what your slave should have done instead. Make sure the submissive realizes his/her guilt otherwise everything that comes next is going to be of no use. Submissives left struggling with reasons for punishment often feel confused and disorientated with other activities. Left questioning they often question every action they undertake on your behalf. A submissive is not a mind reader ‘communication’ is a must if you ever wish to alter his/her behaviour.

Step two. Sub who begs for punishment.

Punishment might always involve this step and it might never imply it – everything depends on the Top. The bottom does not have the right to choose whether s/he should beg to punish him/her or not – this is not a matter for him/her to decide. A submissive asking to be punished is topping from the bottom and learning that s/he can alter the outcome of plans. Make a mental note that s/he is asking for punishment and try to evaluate why s/he is asking. Does s/he need more attention? Is s/he trying to manipulate you into action? Why is this occurring? This more often the question that needs addressing. Is there an underlying problem?

Step three. Getting ready for punishment and realization of guilt.

The fourth action is perhaps the longest one and it takes place without the Domme’s interference. I have found this step has helped my submissive/s greatly in rectifying his/her errors so they never reoccur. This might imply being on knees in very uncomfortable position in darkness. As well it might imply use of some BDSM toys, such as restraints. This step is very effective as being alone the bottom feels lonely and denied. Alone (or time out) allows for reflection time on the ‘error‘ the time out allows the submissive time from distractions to evaluate what has occurred. Time out also allows for the submissive to get in the right head space and let go off the vanilla world.

Step four. Punishment.

The fourth step is punishment itself. Here no recommendations can be given. Everything that takes place during this stage of punishment depends on the Domme and HER own personal tastes, likes and desires. This can be not only inflicting pain on the bottom as many might think. Verbal communication is as well very important.

The Mistress can order her sub to repeat a part of guilt explanation in order to find out that the slave understood and realized his/her guilt. Realization of guilt can be expressed in some other way, for instance by saying “Thank you, Mistress!” or “forgive me Mistress! “After each blow or by continuous licking the Mistress’ feet during the punishment.

Verbal communication between the top and the bottom implies that the Domme should let her sub know whether the latter can cry or not. As well she should make it clear what is going to happen if the bottom cries in spite of this prohibition.

The top can let the bottom know how long punishment is going to last, what toys she is going to use, using this method the Domme must be consistent in her set plan of action and never falter. My advise to the newer less confident Domme or Domina in a new relationship would to NOT do this if she can at all help it, setting punishments length or duration often means the submissive may have to take more than s/he needs or less than s/he needs at the time of punishment. By not informing the submissive of the full extent of the punishments details it allows you room to adjust without appearing to of ‘softened’ on the punishment or appearing to lost control of the situation. So again everything depends on the Domme’s will to remain consistent to her original punishment goal.

Step six. Forgiveness.

Punishment has ended. The top might order the bottom to thank her for punishment. She can let her slave know what punishment he is going to undergo for committing the same crime again. And of course the top must let this slave know whether the latter is forgiven or not. In the end I should say that the first punishment must be very severe. Than punishments might become rarer and less cruel. Full-fledged D/s relationships imply that after some time punishment must become a very rare event or there should be no punishments at all as the most terrible thing for a bottom is being deprived of his Mistress’ love.

What ever methods you choose make sure you are comfortable in there delivery. You are trying to give your submissive ’rules’ to suit your desires, using a method you dislike will only add to you not enjoying the process and delaying its deliverance.

Enjoy the process, it shouldn’t be a chore and shouldn’t be out of anger. Punishment should be administered because you know your submissive and yourself will ‘both’ benefit from it effects and outcome.

If you are angry step away and re gather your thoughts and personal control. Acting in anger can cause misjudgement in your actions. Actions need to be clear, concise, too the point, relaying your intended purpose for correction. Often punishments dealt in anger can lead to injury or relationship problems.

Once you have administered your chosen punishment aftercare may be required.

Article MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs.com 2008

Sub husband help

My last few posts have been geared more toward the submissive men and it is high time to talk with my fellow budding FemDom’s. Get a cup of coffee (or whatever you like), pull up a chair and let’s have a little talk. Since my perspective is from the female point of view I want to talk to all you Ladies like I was right there with you. I realize that no two people are exactly alike, but the more I read from other budding FemDom’s, the more I am realizing the core of this lifestyle is the same. From what I have read 90% of the Dommes I know were at one time introduced to this lifestyle by either a spouse or boyfriend. I have only come across a select few that became involved in this lifestyle on their own.

First, I am going to use my situation to share on. By no means did I do everything perfectly. All I can share is how this time is different for me than last time.

I woke up one morning and found that my husband had been on my computer the night before while I was sleeping. It took a while before I confronted him about it and when I finally did I got a defensive attitude and he denied that he was doing anything wrong. Typical behavior from a man that knows he has been caught! My first reaction was rage. Does this man really think I am that stupid? My second emotion was hurt. Since I still didn’t know exactly what he was doing I really had nothing concrete to be angry and hurt about. It was the denial that got me. It took a while before I knew exactly what he had been doing. The first thing I did was think. I had some serious decisions to make. Was I going to leave or stay? If I stayed, how was I going to ever be able to trust him again?

So let’s put this scenario onto you! Let’s say your husband has just come to you and decided to share his submissive desires. Not all men are leading secret lives but you can bet most are. They have looked at FemDom and the desire is so strong to bring it to reality, they take a chance and talk with you. Or let’s say you have found out that your husband is being sneaky on the computer. I can tell you how to find out everything, and I mean everything, he has been doing but that can be talked about later. Now, you can do one of two things: you can reject him completely or you can listen and then decide for yourself if this is something that interests you. Take some time, research the reality of FemDom and then decide if this is something you would like to do IF YOU WEREN’T TO STAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE. If this lifestyle is something you don’t really find interest in, and you continue to go ahead with it because it is what HE wants, it will never work. Your spouse will have no choice but to top from the bottom. All that will make you left feeling is inadequate and unloved. See, the male submissive, behind all the fetish activities, wants to serve a Dominant woman. If he is molding you into his perfect little Domme it will never work. This will technically leave him in the Dominant role which is not what he wants. I might add this is definitely not what you want! Trust me!

So, you have taken some time, researched and you are all for being a FemDom. Now what? How do you go about playing with this man? The activities we engage in can be very dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing. Books are wonderful and a lot can be learned about safe play, but there is only so much you can learn from books. Nothing compares to learning hands on with an experienced teacher and mentor. For me I really love the mental aspect of D/s. The bondage, teasing and games are a means to an end for me. I can honestly tell you I have learned more about the mental aspects of submissives now that I have in person relationships with other Dommes and subs. So, how do you meet others you can learn from?

The first is a local BDSM support group (want online try our Community and FREE programs. If you live in a well populated area you can bet there is a support group near. You might have to travel a little but it’s well worth it. It does take time to get to know others in the group. What do you do in the meantime? I know most of you will be completely shocked that I am suggesting this but here goes. I would find a Pro Domme in your area to take lessons from. You don’t have to take your submissive with you (although after a few times I suggest you do). Pro’s can be expensive but most will work with you if you let them know your budget. Pro’s have a insight the average woman doesn’t. They talk to thousands of submissive men and they understand the mental aspect of the submissive very well. Most Pro’s have been in the lifestyle for years and years. Hence how they got to be Pro’s.

One of my best friends is a Pro who has been involved in the lifestyle for over 17 years. She specializes in couples and she loves it when budding FemDom’s call her for lessons. I can tell you right now that if it wasn’t for this woman, my husband and I might not be together now. She understands the woman’s perspective and the man’s. She is invaluable. She offers phone counseling and she does in person lessons after she has gotten to know you and your situation via phone calls. She is here in Vegas and I highly recommend her. Here name is Mistress Kali Ward and if you are anywhere near Vegas (or not) I would suggest calling her. She started the PEP Buffalo chapter and she is recommended by Elise Sutton. The PEP organization is nationwide and the Pro Dommes they recommend are very compassionate and well educated.

This will probably surprise you all more than anything else but I have become very good friends with my husbands Ex-Pro, LadyIceQueen. For months I was envious and intimated by her only to find that she is a loving, compassionate, regular woman like me. She accepted me with love and made me feel beautiful. (Kisses and Hugs to you sweets!) I expected her to be a total cruel bitch but what I found is she is just like me. While I am not grateful that my husband shared sessions with her, I am grateful that I contacted her and now can call her my friend. She was originally in Las Vegas but she has relocated to Glendale, AZ. Like Mistress Kali Ward, she accepts phone counseling and in person lessons.

In conclusion, this lifestyle is not for everyone. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOMME. DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND OR B/f PUSH YOU INTO BEING SOMETHING YOUR NOT.

While there are many benefits to this lifestyle it is not for everyone. If you do find this lifestyle is for you, please learn all you can on what you like. Be safe in your play. And most of all enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Enjoy the attention, adoration and power. This is one time where it is ok to be a little selfish and to make it all about you. If you do, you will find what you have always wanted. Care for and guide your submissive into places they have only dreamed of. This is the time to see what you like, what you want, and to bask in the lap of luxury. The benefits are more than you could ever dream of. As always, I welcome emails from anyone who wishes to chat. Let me know how things are going. Good Luck!!!

Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost some her entries If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog (now closed)

Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted to MissBonnie

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