Limits

In the Femdom/BDSM world, limits refer to activities that a partner feels strongly about, and to which special attention must be paid.

Before a Femdom scene

• Before a Femdom scene, it is common to perform a negotiation to outline what will and will not happen during the play session. During this time, all participants outline what they desire and what they will not tolerate. This is the time to discuss limits.

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. They can be spoken or written in the form of a contract, discussing them fully usually results in an improved experience for all involved.

Popular variants include:

• Hard Limit – something that must NOT be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. Examples include “scat is a hard limit for me” or “I have a back injury, so striking on the back is a hard limit”.
• Soft Limit – something that someone will do only in special circumstances or when highly aroused. Example – “I will only do anal sex with a very experienced partner”.
• “Must” limit – something that a person will not do the scene without. Examples include “lots of hair pulling is a must-limit for me” or “If you’re going to flog me, I’ll need lots of aftercare”.
• Time limit – an amount of time after which play ceases.
• No Limits – the Dominant may do anything she cares to with the submissive. This is usually a sign of an inexperienced player who does not yet know what their limits are. In reality, even the most hardened and experienced players have limits.
• “No limits” play is more the stuff of porn and thriller movies than in actual, real-life Femdom. This is also sometimes used as a term for TPE or Total Power Exchange.

Negotiation

Negotiation in Femdom community is a form of communication where participants make arrangements on each others’ requirements, responsibilities and limits to find the best possible agreement.
As BDSM is sexual practice that keeps to SSC philosophy, negotiation is necessary to set sexual activity within the boundaries of these principles.

Activity within Femdom relationships requires trust, openness about most practices that may include risks. On the other hand, partners have certain needs which should be clearly defined in order to be properly satisfied. In this regard, negotiation is essential part not only when parties were not familiar with each other but also in case when partners have long-term relationships.

Negotiation may not only concern a particular session but touch upon a more wide range of subjects on a BDSM philosophy in general: considerations on a lifestyle, the perspectives of the relationships, religious beliefs and many other issues that can be in one way or another connected to BDSM activity.

Negotiation within the limits of BDSM practice can be performed either verbally or in written form. One of the most common ways to clarify all the issues concerning participation in BDSM activity is to make use of negotiation form.

Negotiation form form is a list of needs, limits and activities within BDSM practice presented to both participants for a specification of the details of BDSM session.

Types of negotiation

1. Scene negotiation takes place before the actual participation in Femdom session, during the session and after it. It can be done in written form, where all the topics discussed will be listed for agreement or disagreement. This is made to evaluate the possible productivity of the session and compatibility of both partners. Negotiation on a pre-scene phase may include discussing such things as: Arrangement of Roles – who will take the part of the top partner or bottom partner, and participation of any other observers, the way partners address each other. Expectations and needs of both partners- likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs: Limits of the scene – boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences)Types of play – practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation; BDSM Equipment and or furnishings and attire- what materials, adult toys and fetish wear (leather lingerie, Corsets, PVC etc.) will be used; Duration of the scene – at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time :Health concerns – talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications and other Safety measures – any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong way

Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any

Safe words – one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

Negotiation that takes place after session is focused mainly on the following: possible drawbacks or otherwise positive moments, feelings and suggestions on the next sessions often referred too as Aftercare.

2. Relationships negotiation is a form of negotiation that concerns consideration of building up a scene relationship or a more committed 24/7 relationships. Partners who are interested in long-term relationships sign up a kind of contract that is similar to one a couple signs when getting married. Together with the questions that concern BDSM activity, partners discuss long-term arrangements: type of this relationship, agreement on living together, financial and psychological responsibilities. When both parties agree on TPE relationships they usually agree on signing up a contract in support of their commitment to BDSM lifestyle and each other. Such contracts do not have a legal base but they allow partners to determine all the aspects of their lifestyle more clearly.

Negotiation is aimed to give a certain order to BDSM scene especially when things are quite new to both partners. Here is one of the examples of the issues that can be included in a negotiation form on a forthcoming BDSM scene. Of course, negotiation form is an individual thing and you may well variegate sections and suggest to make it more detailed.

Sample Negotiation form

General information about your partner

• Name (nickname)
• Age
• Marital status
• Address
• Participants
• number of participants
• observer (if any)

Roles

• Domme
• Sub

The way of addressing the other

• Mistress
• slave
• pet
• others

Psychological needs

• humiliation
• pain
• verbal abuse
• control
• embarrassment
• mind play

Outfit

• sensual wear
• fetish attire
• costumes
• undressed
• erotic jewelry

other preferences

• Sex toys
• Vibrators, dildos, anal toys

BDSM toys:

• Bondage(cuffs, rope, spreader bars, suspension devices, harness etc)
• Sensory deprivation (gags, blindfolders, hoods, masks)
• Discipline devices (paddles, floggers, nipple clamps, cock rings, chastity devices)

Sexual preferences

• anal sex (including rimming, anilingus)
• Fisting

masturbation

• oral sex
• no sexual intercourse
• kissing

Health concerns

• allergies
• STD’s
• contraception
• general health problems
• medications taken
• medical aids

safety measures

• Time, date and place where the scene will be held
• Limits
• Physical limits
• Psychological limits

Marks

• Acceptable
• unacceptable

Safe words

• Safe words for slowing down
• Safe words to stop the game

* Non-verbal signs

Experience

• For top
• For bottom

Materials leather metal tape rope etc

Type of play: Bondage:

• Bondage positions(standing, lying, suspended, kneeling, etc)
• Parts of the body restrained (ankles, hands, knees, elbows)
• Level of immovability
• Discipline (spanking, flogging, hot wax play, pain play, cock and ball torture etc)
• Sensory deprivation (gagging, blindfolding, ear plugging, mummification)
• Knife play
• Blood play
• Fire play
• Hot wax play
• Role-playing etc.

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.