its actually really hard being a fledgling Dominant.

How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?

Anyone got good ideas for our newer list members?

Some ideas picked up along the way (and by no means exhaustive)

1 thyself.

  • Have a long hard think about if and why you identify as Dominant. do you love it? you don’t really know. Embark on your journey into D/s to find the answers out for yourself, don’t pretend you have them all already.

2 Read Read and more reading

  • I found that it helped to read up on the technical side first. Choose your own favorites. No doubt there are loads of web sites and mailing lists like this one to read as well. discriminating about what you read in mail lists and web sites. There is a vast difference between D/s fantasy and the practice in real life. A lot of very wise sounding advice is given online, but question how much of it is based on practical experience (including the inevitable making of mistakes!!). takes a long while to work out who is for real and who is spinning a (lovely) fantasy. However, reading about BDSM is a bit like reading cookbooks. cannot learn to cook until you try it.

3 out

  • We have heaps of BDSM clubs, parties and dungeons in Victoria (Chains, Hush Now, Perversity, Purgatory, Abode, CyberBall to name a few), so there’s no excuse for staying at home reading the net!!

4 all the other Dominants you can

  • It helps enormously to make friends with other Dominants. of them. experience and gravitas in your local scene will eventually rub off on you! most of them are egotistical enough (me included!!) to like the idea of taking a new Dominant under their wing. dead easy to convince some Tops to give you impromptu lessons in slave training, flogging, bondage etc love to talk!!

5 trying

  • However, it can be hard to befriend some "Dominants" because they Know It All and have a really tedious need to dominate everyone (not just their own sub/s). might also get snubbed by the occasional “Queen of the Scene” (happens to me all the time!)Don’t give up – I believe that every city’s scene has Dominants that are mature (and secure) enough to properly befriend and mentor new Dominants. Go to events, meet lots of people and seek out the Dominants that strike you as approachable and reasonably well liked (ESPECIALLY by other Dominants. easy to fool some of the subs some of the time, but if a "Dominant" cannot get along with other Dominants, then they definitely have problems

6 Choose a same sex mentor (unless you are gay)

  • It may seem easier to seek out mentors of the opposite sex, but be conscious that Dominants can have totally explosive chemistry with one another. starts out as a bit of flirtation can turn into a wild ride of switching, mind fucks and power games. is why a lot of Masters and Mistresses are love partners – and all power to them. as a new Dominant in search of self, I don’t recommend it (yet;)

7 your time

  • Notice I haven’t suggested run around like Lady Headless chook looking for submissives to play with? you can advertise like crazy all over the net and hang around the walls at every club, but what have you got to offer? Instead, push yourself to meet people of all persuasions (tops, bottoms, fetishists, male, female) and take a real interest in their lifestyle and personal choices. will help you discover your own style of Dominance, define your expectations and introduce you to potential partners.

8 Stay real

  • Most of all, stay yourself. to be A Real Dominant (what ever the hell that is) is doomed to failure. ‘T tell fibs exaggerating your experience or skill. bit of humility and grace goes a long way. egos, low self esteem and dishonesty are NOT Dominant and everyone else knows it. If you are genuine, self assured, approachable and dominant without being domineering (they are TOTALLY different things), your submissive will find you. than you think.

9 Pass it on

  • And remember that one day you will no longer be a newbie, and then it will be your turn to hold out the hand of friendship to newcomers.

largely reprinted from my articles posted elsewhere – so apologies to those who have heard it all before or BDSM if you aren’t strictly into D/s – I use the expressions pretty interchangeably …

Article MissBitch & MissBonnie

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