Category: BDSM and Femdom resources, Articles and Reviews.

A collection of dominant and submissive educational articles for learning about all things Femdom

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Insider lingo

How talk to someone in Femdom and know the terminolgy

help with some basic Femdom terms…(also see Dictionary of terms)

Erotic power exchange or Femdom practices are full of its own special lingo. We’ll try to avoid it as much as we possibly can here but there are some basics you need to know.

The partner in charge is usually called dominant, Dom, Domme, top or master and sometimes the active partner. The other partner is usually either called submissive, sub, bottom or slave and sometimes the passive partner. People who like to play both ways are usually simply referred to as switches. We’ll have a lot more to say about all these roles later, but this will give you a basic foundation for our discussions here.

Top/bottom come from the gay and lesbian world; master/slave – although very often used today – mostly have their roots in early pornography. You can just about ignore the terms sadist and masochist since they are seldom used by those actually in the Lifestyle, although some subs may say they are masochistic as well, meaning that they (predominantly) enjoy pain impulses.

The classic shorthand for erotic power exchange is either S and M (sadomasochism) or BDSM, the latter being short for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. Other abbreviations in popular use are D and S or D/s (dominance and submission) and B and D (either bondage and dominance or bondage and discipline). Of course the BDSM acronym has now been expanded to also include D/s (Dominance and submission).

The words sadism and masochism were invented by Austrian psychiatrist R. Krafft-Ebing over a century ago, based on the names of two writers: De Sade and von Sacher-Masoch. Krafft-Ebing was not publishing about erotic power exchange but about mental diseases. And that, ever since, has created the confusion, the stereotyping and the prejudice. Just like de Sade was never a Marquis (French nobleman) but the son of a rich landowner, sadism and masochism as Krafft-Ebing used them, have virtually nothing to do with erotic power exchange. In an effort to avoid terms like S and M some people use the word algolagnia, which is again the wrong word. It comes from a combination of the Greek words algos (pain) and lagnia (lust). The problem here is that this is another misused term from the psychiatric world. Not everybody who is into erotic power exchange is also into pain.

Below are a few more terms in pretty common usage today (we’ll be adding more expansive writings about several of these later):

24/7 – Full time erotic power exchange relationship (24 hours/7 days)

Gorean – Erotic Power Exchange, based on the (SF) Gor novels of John Norman

Gothic – reference towards Medieval, Vampire or mystical style EPE

LDR – Long Distance Relationship (usually a euphemism for an Internet based – online – relationship)

Ligotage – The French (stylish) word for bondage

PE – Power Exchange

RL – Real Life (relationship)

SSC – Safe, Sane and Consensual (the basic tenants of EPE)

Torquemadian – Reference to Medieval style EPE, based on Torquemada, the infamous Spanish Inquisitor

TPE – Total Power Exchange

VICSS – Voluntary, Informed Consensual, Safe and Sane

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Related Articles:

Dictionary of terms – Talk like the lifestylers all the terms you need to know.

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Buying Guide for Femdom

truck with packages

Shopping online offers lots of benefits you won’t find shopping in traditional stores. The worldwide stores of the Internet never close. – any time, 365-days a year. Taking advantage of their low overhead, Internet vendors often offer highly discounted prices. Savings can be substantial. In addition, Internet stores now offer more safe and flexible payment methods than ever before.

One of the coolest capabilities enabled by the Internet is that when you’re using it, you’re not bound by geographical location. This is especially handy when you’re shopping. Before the Internet, you were pretty much stuck with the selection and prices in the stores around your home. Now, you can shop anywhere, any time, and you can be competitive about it.

Of course, there are some risks that come with shopping online, too. Although identity theft is more common in the real world, it still happens online pretty frequently, as does credit card fraud. So staying safe while you’re shopping online is paramount. Here are some tips for shopping safely online:

Please be sure to use common sense when purchasing anything from online

  • 1)If buying adult items AVOID PAYPAL.

Paypal is NOT a bank and is NOT governed by any banking laws. Therefore when you clicked “I accept the user agreement” You unknowingly agreed to many unfair rules regarding the use of paypal. Paypal Acceptable User agreement state

“Violating PayPal’s Acceptable Use Policy may result in temporary or permanent limitation of a customer’s account. This includes the inability to send and/or receive payments, to remove financial information from an account, and for users to close their accounts as a way of evading the policy. Additionally, users whose accounts are permanently limited for violating the Acceptable Use Policy are barred from future use of PayPal and its services, and such users are not permitted to open new or additional PayPal accounts.”

If you buy online videos then you are in violation of Paypals Acceptable User Policy “PayPal will process payments for the purchase and sale of certain sexually oriented physical goods but currently does not allow transactions for sexually oriented digital goods.” If you do your homework and research before buying and it is a reputable company/website then they will gladly offer you numerous ways to pay securely. And remember if buying an ADULT item on ebay the sellers CANNOT take paypal, so don’t yell at the sellers, yell at ebay.

Important: PayPal may not be used to pay for any item listed in eBay’s Mature Audiences category.

  • 2) Do Your own research –

Be sure to do your own research of a site BEFORE buying. Read their message boards or customer comments, if buying from an auction site then read their feedback.

  • 3) Search for Reviews of a site –

There are other websites out there that will review a site. Check them out. If you read bad reviews then use common sense and don’t buy. Look for a feedback section on the site and look for comments about the seller based on previous transactions. Look for a “trust mark” from a reputable organization, like BBBOnLine, to make sure the online retailer is reliable and has a proven track record of satisfying customers. If in doubt, conduct Web searches about the site in order to determine its legitimacy and check for a Better Business Bureau (BBB) report at www.bbb.org. From the Business Software Alliance and the Council of Better Business Bureaus.

  • 4) Check their payment options –

Be sure you know what your are signing up for BEFORE you join. Different pay sites have different payment options from a one time fee, to a recurring monthly fee. ASK. Ask how it will show up on your credit card, be sure you are using a secure serve to pay. Ask! Any reputable seller will gladly answer your questions. Choose Credit Over Debit: You probably don’t often hear advice to use a credit card instead of a debit card or cash, but if you can do it responsibly, you absolutely should. Credit cards offer protection from identity theft that debit cards don’t. For example, with a credit card, your liability for fraudulent charges caps at $50 as long as you report the fraud within 30 or 60 days (depending on the company). However, if you’re using your debit card online and someone gains access to it, they can clean out your checking account before you even learn there’s a problem. It’s likely you’ll get part of that money back, but possible that it can take a while, and that you won’t get it all. So, use a credit card instead and pay the bill off monthly.

Disposable Is Better: Even better than using a credit card is to use a disposable credit card. Disposable credit cards work just like most gift cards. You add a specified dollar amount to the card, and it’s good until that is gone. Once it’s gone, you can add more, or purchase a new one. And both Visa and American Express now offer these cards in varying amounts, so they’re easy to get hold of. The bonus is that if the number from a disposable credit card is stolen, it’s anonymous, and criminals can’t gain access to anything more than the dollar amount that’s still available on the card.

Verify Website Security: The variety that’s available when shopping online can be dizzying, but it doesn’t stop at just the products and prices that are available online. There are also different levels of security that are available online, and you want to be aware of them. Some online web sites don’t offer secure shopping. That means that savvy criminals can capture everything that you enter onto a form on those sites, including your personal and credit information. If you’re going to shop online, limit yourself to secure sites. You can tell if a site is secure by the URL. A secure web site starts with HTTPS: instead of HTTP://. Secure sites will also have a small lock icon. Don’t Store Information Elsewhere: Many shopping sites, even the major ones, offer you the ability to save your credit card information on their servers to speed the shopping process. Think Amazon.com’s OneClick shopping. It’s definitely faster, but there are some risks to maintaining your personal information elsewhere. If a company that you’re shopping with has a data breach, your personal information could be put at risk. It takes a little longer, but instead of storing your information on some server that you have no control over, just enter it yourself each time you shop. Price and selection are two of the best benefits to shopping online. But don’t let the benefits lull you into complacency. Take the time to shop securely, and use caution with the sites that you choose to shop on. Then, not only can you find great deals, but you can do it without the worry that your identity will be stolen in the process. Don’t Shop Publicly: If you plan to do any shopping online, do it at home. At home, you can shop in your Pj’s (or naked) and you can do it any time of the day or night. You also know who accesses your computer at home. If you’re using a public computer—at the library, at a cyber café, or at work—to do your shopping, you have no control over who might be using that computer as well. You also don’t have any control over what kind of spyware or malware might be infecting that computer. So, just don’t do it. Shop at home. It’s much safer.

  • 5) Check their Contact Information –

A good site will offer more then just an email for contact. So check their contact information, see if its easy to locate and accurate. Call them, email them. Use their customer service. For is it this vary same customer service you are going to have to use if there is a problem with your items/account. * 

6) Read the Terms – Is their a guarantee if so what is it? Is it a recurring bill, every 30 days every 90 days. Are you locked into a 6 months contract? You approve the terms of the site so KNOW what the terms are.

  • 7) Cancellation/Return Policies –

How much notice to cancel your subscription? How long does it take? How do you cancel? If buying goods, is their a return policy, a restocking fee, a time limit. Find and read the Web site’s privacy policies to understand what personal information is being requested as well as why and how it will be used. – Look for disclosures about the Web site’s security, refund and return policies, and statements about how the Web site will use your personal information. Look for links to “About” pages or “FAQ” pages. If a Web store says nothing about protecting your privacy, shop somewhere else. *

* 8) Joining/Buying – Be sure when using your credit card that the site is SECURE. Keep track of your credit card statement. Many adult sites and retail toy sites will use alternate names. Find out how its going to be billed and under what name.

  • 9) If dissatisfied with an item/product/service contact the company FIRST –

Most companies would rather deal with you first and keep you happy as a customers. So contact the company first before filing a complaint with online Auctions or leaving negative feedback or doing a charge-back. Once done, it cannot be undone. So try talking to someone at the company and if you did your homework, then the company will gladly do what it takes to keep you happy.

  • 10) Be polite –

Politeness will go a lot further then nasty emails or rude phone calls, you are dealing with people. 

Research and Read Reviews

Before making any purchase, it’s crucial to do thorough research and read reviews about the website or platform you are considering. Look for reputable websites that have positive customer feedback and a good reputation in the industry.

Reading reviews will give you insights into the quality of products, customer service, and overall shopping experience.

Check for Discreet Packaging and Billing

Privacy is of utmost importance when it comes to adult purchases. Make sure to check if the website offers discreet packaging and billing. Look for information on their website or contact their customer support to confirm that your purchase will be shipped and billed discreetly, without any explicit references to the products.

Read the Return and Refund Policy

Before making a purchase, carefully read the website’s return and refund policy. Ensure that they have a clear and fair policy in case you are not satisfied with your purchase. Look for information on how to return products, any associated costs, and the timeframe for refunds.

Conclusion

When it comes to making adult purchases online, being cautious and well-informed is essential. Take the time to research and read reviews, check for discreet packaging and billing, choose secure payment methods, and read the return and refund policy. By following these tips, you can ensure a smooth and secure adult shopping experience online.

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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Myths

MYTH: BDSM is abuse.

FACT:  BDSM is not abuse. The participants in BDSM are loving, caring, communicative, consensual adult partners that know the risks of what they do and the pleasures they can receive from doing them.  The actions used in consensual BDSM are negotiated, involve the communication of limits and boundaries that are not to be crossed and instill the use of a safeword that stops all action as soon as it is spoken. Everything is fully agreed upon by all parties involved.
Abuse is a pattern of controlling and manipulating the actions, thoughts and life of another person without their consent. The tactics of control (physical abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, economic abuse, and/or sexual abuse) used by batterers are not used in the context of a consensual, negotiated BDSM relationship and cannot be stopped with a safeword.
BDSM is Safe, Sane and CONSENSUAL…..Abuse is NEVER consensual.

MYTH: BDSM is all about pain

FACT: The assumption that it is all about pain is because that is the most prominent and the most conflicted with mainstream thought. Pain isn’t enjoyable to all people and you don’t have to enjoy pain to be into BDSM. Maybe you only like bondage, or maybe it’s the power exchange that you are really drawn to. Either way it doesn’t have to involve pain at all. For those that it does involve pain, they also enjoy other aspects of the BDSM lifestyle.
People are wired differently. Studies have shown that sexual arousal stimulates endorphin production (naturally occurring hormone that masks pain and produces feelings of euphoria). That production can also be stimulated by BDSM. This gives rise to the concept of pleasure/pain. Some submissives get enjoyment in the thought that they are accepting pain for their Dominant. Others simply enjoy the heavy sensations. They can often go quite a long time and can achieve an endorphin high that is remarkably similar to orgasm.  Almost all of BDSM play is not about the pain, but the excitement that comes from the sensation of the pain and mentally pushing past those barriers to reach that state of total bliss.
BDSM is about enjoyment, stimulation, pleasure, and most of all, trust.  It is about eliciting emotions through activities that may appear harmful but are actually carefully orchestrated.  BDSM is never done with the intent to harm or endanger and never done in anger or times of stress.
While some players seek pain in a manner that is pleasurable to them, many other players seek sensations and stimulation through a variety of other forms of BDSM. The range of actions in BDSM is quite broad and most participants do not enjoy all of the activities or roles. In fact, many BDSM practitioners prefer cross-dressing, bondage, mild spankings and control, known as Dominance and submission. For many it is being able to give up control and be under the will of another that gives them the most pleasure.

MYTH:People in BDSM are into pain and like to hurt each other.

FACT: BDSM activities are regulated between partners by means of intense negotiation, the setting of limits and activities partners will not engage in and the use of safewords.
Part of the allure of BDSM is the appearance of danger. Partners may be bound, harsh looking implements are utilized and emotions may run high.  However, BDSM practices are performed in such a way that the element of danger, while still present in appearance, is practically eliminated.  Partners – even casual partners – have respect and care for each other, and work together to avoid physical and emotional trauma.
While the use of a BDSM ‘toy’ or ‘implement’ may look painful, pain is perceived differently from person to person. A light flogging may be too intense for one person, while a heavy flogging may be perfect for someone else.  Some people who practice BDSM are truly into pain, but the majority of practitioners utilize increasing doses of strong physical sensation through BDSM activities to accomplish a higher goal – the production of those endorphins within the body!  The intensity of the sensations are carefully controlled by communication between partners in order to assure the submissive partner’s comfort and to prevent the experience of unwanted pain.

MYTH: People who engage in BDSM were all abused as children.

FACT:  While this seems to be an assumption made mostly by psychologists or counselors, there is no documented proof that BDSM activities, or the desire to engage in them, come from childhood abuse or trauma.  Like all communities, there is usually a small percentage of individuals for whom this may be true, but for the majority, it is not, and sweeping generalizations tend to further stigmatize our diverse needs.
While some people who practice BDSM may be survivors of childhood abuse there are many more that have never experienced abuse in childhood or in adulthood. There is no cause and effect relationship between childhood abuse and becoming a BDSM practitioner.

MYTH: Only gay men practice anal sex.

FACT: A person’s interest in anal play has nothing to do with attraction to the same sex. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation or gender identity, and every thing to with enjoyment of the sensations created. People in the BDSM lifestyle can be Gay, Straight, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender, just as Vanilla people can be any of those as well. Both men and women engage in anal play in the BDSM Femdom lifestyle. Just as sexual orientation is who you are, the desire to engage in anal play is also who you are and what you need to be. Partnerships range from Male Dom/male sub to Male Dom/female sub to Female Domme/male sub to Female Domme/female sub.

MYTH: The Dominant partner is a control freak.

FACT: People who take on a Dominant role in BDSM / Femdom like to engage in CONSENSUAL control of a partner for the partner’s pleasure.  Dominants negotiate with their partners and then engage in the type of ‘control’ their partner desires.Don’t confuse Dominant with domineering. A domineering person is somebody overbearing who likes to control others all the time, whether the other person likes it or not.In BDSM, the submissive willingly gives up the control to the Dominant, who takes that control, combines it with his own energy and redirects it back to the sub. Each gives up something to the other so that, together, they can achieve the pleasures they are both looking for.  

MYTH: I am a Mistress, so everyone must respect me.

FACT: Says who? Anybody can give themselves a title. It’s what we do and how we handle ourselves that defines us. This is not about giving yourself a title, it’s about the attitude behind the title. Which would mean more?… someone calling you Master / Mistress because you ordered them to; or calling you Master / Mistress because they respect you for your love, honor, compassion and integrity? 
Ultimately submissives have the final say. They can submit or not, they can give respect or refuse you.  No one deserves a rank or title just because they hold the Dominant role or because they say so. Respect is earned, not assumed. A Mistress who has to demand respect, has not earned it and is therefore not truly deserving of it.

MYTH:The submissive partner is weak.

FACT: Not by a long shot! The majority of submissives involved in BDSM /Femdom are strong, self-sufficient individuals, who have intense and high-powered occupations. They feel the need to practice the submissive role because it is a means of escape for them from having to make decisions. It is very common to find lawyers, doctors, CEO’s and politicians who practice the submissive role. They know what they want and participate of their own free will. There are a lot more submissives on the scene than Dominants.
This is probably one of the biggest myths about the BDSM/Femdom lifestyle. The vanilla society perceives submission to be a weakness because they do not understand the dynamics of submission. The opposite is what is true.  It takes a very strong person to trust completely in another person to the point of turning control of their body, mind, heart and life over to them. In fact, being a submissive and being able to trust someone like this, makes them even stronger and more confident. It is indeed one of the strongest things a person can do.
Men who are submissives, are especially some of the strongest and most confident in the lifestyle. They are able to come to a Dominant and fully submit when the world around them tells them they should be in control. They are able to take down the walls that they put up for the outside world and become who they truly wish and need to be.

MYTH: All submissives are expected to act a certain way.

FACT: Why? If everyone was the same, this would be a very boring world indeed.  The best way to act for all participants, whether Dominant or submissive, is to be yourself. Submissives don’t all come prepackaged from a BDSM/ Femdom training camp!
Submissives in a relationship would be expected to act how their Master has trained them to act. This varies from couple to couple. To each their own, there is no right or wrong. Unattached submissives should be polite and courteous, as this will go a long way towards finding a Dominant and getting that play date.
At private clubs, submissives are expected to act a certain way, as are Dominants, but everyone should know that going in. Some clubs can be pretty formal, but most tend to be more laid back. As long as the club rules and safe-sane-consensual are followed at all times, everyone is allowed to do their thing. Some couples are very formal, while others prefer to be more relaxed. Neither is necessarily right, just different. Private club rules have to be followed, but they would never try to squash a person’s individuality.

MYTH: BDSM is all about sex.

FACT: BDSM can be intensely sensual, but it doesn’t have to be intensely sexual. To say that sex never occurs in BDSM is a lie. It’s just that it doesn’t have to. BDSM play is sexual for some but this is not true for everyone. There are some who practice BDSM who do not experience any sexual arousal. Many people have wonderful, high as a kite experiences without any sexual contact at all. They find that endorphin high through the broad variety of BDSM activities.
Being in the scene also doesn’t mean you are automatically going to get laid. Using a position in the scene to coerce sex, non consensually, is NOT what BDSM is all about.

MYTH: People who engage in BDSM Femdom are all promiscuous.

FACT: Just like in all communities, there are some members of the BDSM Femdom community who are a bit freer with their bodies and will engage in any type of activity with just about anyone, but the majority of people within the BDSM community, especially those who are married or in long term relationships, are monogamous in one way or another.
Some partners are completely monogamous – they do not play or have sex with any other people in any way whatsoever. Other partners will engage in physical play, like flogging, spanking, or teasing with others, but will not engage in any type of sexual activities with them.  And others will engage in physical play and some sexual activities, but not anal or vaginal penetrative sexual activities.

MYTH: BDSMers are all people who live on the fringes of society.

FACT:  It is believed that because BDSM isn’t widely accepted that the only people who participate are lower class, criminal types, secretive people and others that aren’t accepted in mainstream openly. This is simply not true. The need to be involved in BDSM is in your blood, it is the way a person is wired. There are very prominent people into BDSM, from all walks of life, all over the world.
No one is excluded. BDSM practitioners are lawyers, doctors, politicians, teachers and businessmen.  We are students, housewives, waiters, members of the PTA and that nice teller at the bank.  We go to church, spend holidays with our families and laugh at silly comedies. We have probably treated you at your local hospital, waited on you at the grocery store and walked past you on the street. We are just like everyone else.

This myth is prevalent because so many people have to keep their sexuality a secret because of the negative repercussions of society. Discrimination is still strong when it comes to BDSM, mostly because people don’t understand it and don’t want to understand it. It is not abuse, it is not violence. So many states still rule BDSM and Femdom behavior as assault and that pushes people even further into secrecy.
It’s who we are, not where we came from or what we do that should matter in our lives. But sadly, ignorance towards BDSM/Femdom runs rampant in this world.

Resource Article : MissBonnie

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