Table of Contents
“Honey, it’s not a race!” That is what many women will tell their partner during – and especially AFTER – they have sex. And indeed it is not a race. Yet the question is if men can help it if they feel that sex – and especially the actual intercourse – is a physical achievement. Because if you’re a man, that is what it feels like.
And it happens for a very simple reason. Men are biologically programmed to do one thing as often and as good as they can: to fertilize as many females, as often as realistically possible. This is because that is what their genetic encoding tells them to do. It is the result of the survival of the species and this is what male mammals do. In fact, that is the prime task of any male species.
While we are not apes or rabbits, and much of this of course is socially unacceptable, that is what evolution has been grinding in for tens of thousands of years. And as much as a modern man doesn’t want to procreate non-stop, a large part of this – albeit redundant – genetic encoding is still very much there. And since it took so long to develop, expecting that the individual male will be able to erase it in one lifetime – or even in ten or twenty generations – is totally unrealistic.
Deep down inside – driven by reflexes and not by deliberate reasoning or by choice – men will only want one thing: get in and produce a powerful blast of sperm into the vagina – as far as possible and as much as possible. Again, that is their genetic duty. Their contribution to the survival of the species. For that reason the male orgasm largely feels like an explosion: pressure being built up until it nearly bursts and then he will give everything to blast it out as far as he can. His body will react just like that and will roll all his physical energy and musclepower into one tiny ball of semen and eject it, preferably with “rocket” force. (the reality requires that – although it feels very different – men actually do not exactly “shoot very far”. The best of us will manage only a few inches, but then, only half an inch is enough).
Additionally – his genetic reflexes will tell him to do all of this as quickly as possible while holding on to the female with all his strength, so the chances that the female will run and the sperm will not be used for its original design are minimal.
So, genetic encoding tells him: get it in RAPIDLY, get it in DEEP and DUMP THE PAYLOAD, no matter what the cost. The male sex hormones – driven by genetic encoding and cortex reflexes – will tell his body to do exactly that and nothing else. In that sense the human male – like any other male species – is much like a B52 bomber when it comes to sex.
The new gadget: sex for mutual fun
Evolutionary speaking, “sex for fun” is a relatively new gadget that has only been around for the last few thousand years of evolution. Ten minutes or so on the evolutionary clock. “Sex for mutual fun” – again in evolutionary terms – is something BRAND NEW, only discovered a few centuries ago. Hence – regardless how many generations have since passed – it is still something that is very much in the early adapting and learning stages.
Learning is FUN
We told you about the “female side” monkey. Here is one of its cousins: learning is a mutual thing. Men do not just have to learn about the female sexuality. BOTH still very much have to learn about the other.
In fact, learning about sex is largely a very new thing and poorly developed. Something that society in general hasn’t even fully adapted. We are still very much supposed to “know” about sex. It is not something you talk about openly and freely (just look at the constant attempts by various governments, religious fanatics and politicians to try and gag those, trying to talk about it freely, for example on the Internet). Which – for example – is why a country like the United States, when it comes to teen mothers, beats the average third world country in the negative sense of the word.
Experimenting, exploring, discovering is NOT WRONG, no matter what politicians or others may tell you. It is how we – the human race – learn. We’ve learned to identify what types of food are indeed food and which are poisonous by trial and error. Athletes learn by trying to experiment with their body and their abilities. Babies learn by feeling, trying and exploring. Sexuality is no different! And, exploring and learning is FUN. It should be. If it wasn’t we would never learn anything!
So, every time she says “Honey, it’s not a race!” you aren’t doing something wrong. Both of you are! Simply because BLAMING DOESN’T BELONG IN BED.
Communication is the lubricant and the tool that will help both of you (and we’ll come to talk about that). Through communication and exploration you’ll both find what is fun for both of you. And partners will need to teach each other.
Here is where we are touching on a specific difference between general sex and BDSM. In a BDSM context the power dynamics will be different. As a result, the submissive partner will expect the dominant to set the tone and the submissive will follow. That is usually not very helpful to the situation. BOTH partners – regardless the BDSM dynamics – will have to teach each other and dom/sub dynamics have a tendency to get in the way. Strict role behavior and the natural tendency of the submissive to try and please are likely to form a barrier, leaving one of the partners (partially) unfulfilled and blocking the road to growth. This is where a lot of uncertainties (for dominant partners) and self-blaming (for submissive partners) originates from.
The controlled rat race
So, if it is a rat race, what do you do to avoid it? You may have guessed – for starters you probably can’t avoid it. But …you can learn to control it and turn it into a well organized rat race that is fun for both.
Turning over and going to sleep
“When he’s done he turns over and falls asleep.” How often have men been confronted with that. And quite frankly, it is not only true, there is also very little he can do about it. The male orgasm is intense, physically intense; and the huge flows of adrenaline, combined with the sudden cut off of the tension and the physical release is what causes him to feel totally exhausted and he needs time to recuperate. Hence, it is NOT WRONG for a man to feel tired and sleepy immediately after an orgasm. It is what his body tells him to do.
Unfortunately, the female orgasm and the male orgasm do not develop at the same pace and as result, by the time the man is done the woman isn’t even half way done. And his fatigue – which to her seems to be lack of interest – is her biggest disappointment. As a result, what both of you need to learn is to get your timing right. Which is why introductory play – or foreplay – is so important. Maybe not to him, but most certainly to her.
Unfortunately, during sex the erected penis literally is a loaded barrel, ready to explode any time and the longer it is kept erected, the more likely the orgasm is to come instantly (quite often almost immediately upon penetrating the vagina). And not all men are capable to maintain an erection for a very long time.
A frequently asked question: why is it that nature hasn’t taken care of “in sync” orgasms for the male and female? The answer again is in genetics and evolution. If you are a woman, you may want to brace yourself for what is coming.
From the point of reproduction there is no need for a female orgasm. She doesn’t need one – at least not as an incentive. She is the passive half of the reproduction process and will be fertilized, orgasm or no orgasm. The man, however, is to be lured into wanting to deposit his seed – hence it should be fun, hence an incentive, hence the orgasm.
That is also why the female orgasm is different from the male. The male orgasm is largely a physical driven one (although fantasy does play an increasing role in the male orgasm) – the female is a mentally (fantasy and emotions/feeling) driven one. For women the concept of sex for fun is much older – simply because the only function of the female orgasm is FUN (in the sense that there is no biogenetical reason for it). So, as far as sex for fun is concerned, the men are several hundreds (maybe thousands) of years behind. They are – sad but very true – evolutionary speaking – still seed-machines. Very efficient machines, but …still.
That is not entirely true of course. Men too have discovered the sex for fun concept and quite a long time ago. Unfortunately, there are frequent conflicts between what his genetic duties tell his body to do and what his mind wants to do.
So what to do? Well, actually it isn’t that difficult. As opposed to widespread urban legends: MEN DO HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO HAVE MULTIPLE ORGASMS. Just not in the same way as their female partners. In other words, it isn’t a constant flow (the female “waves of orgasms”). Instead, he needs a bit of time in between before he can charge himself up again. And a simple way to do that is to make sure you eat a bit in between, preferably sugar or chocolate or a banana – anything that will give a quick energy boost. So – have an orgasm, grab a bite to eat (nothing can be more romantic), maybe have a glass of sweet wine and get ready for the next part of the session.
“Honey, was it good for you too?”
On to the the next monkey. Let’s face it, your genes don’t care if it was good for her or not. Your genes just tell you to dump the load, whether she likes that or not. The problem again is that what your genes tell you to do is not exactly socially acceptable and very likely not even what you want either. But then, genes don’t care about social conventions or other motives. They just care about reproduction.
Fact of the matter is that both the male and the female orgasm are VERY SELFISH EXPERIENCES. The orgasm is something for YOU, not for your partner. Neither can “share” the individual orgasm with the other, nor does anyone want to. At best – if you’re lucky – you can orgasm simultaniously. But that will still be two individuals, each in their own orgasmic trance.
Hence, the idea is to control the rat race by understanding and a bit of planning. But most of all by NOT WORRYING. Sex does not have to end in an orgasm for both and most certainly not in a simultaneous orgasm. And an orgasm (and especially an ejaculation [cumming]) has long ceased to be an obligation, regardless of what your genes would like you to believe. If either of you “didn’t make it”, that’s perfectly okay. In fact, women especially will often not mind, since the orgasm itself is only partially what sex is about to them. The intimacy, the cuddling, the whatever-else-she-likes will usually be much more important. And, in a BDSM-setting the orgasm will actually be much more of a release valve and not so much the goal of the entire thing.
Four hints for successful sex
- 1. An orgasm is not a goal, the intimacy is. No orgasm is not a disaster – in fact, the orgasm, yours or hers, is nice to have but entirely unimportant (unless you are really planning to create offspring, in which case HIS ejaculation – which is not the same as an orgasm – IS important)
- 2. Simultaneous orgasms are PURE LUCK – if it happens it is great, but the chances are 100 to 1 that it won’t, so don’t bother.
- 3. The trick is in planning. There are many ways to achieve an orgasm. If you bring HER to an orgasm and masturbate to have your own later, that is perfectly okay, for example. As a man having an orgasm is easy, so the emphasis should be on her – it takes her longer to get there and it takes more effort. So if it is important to you both to have an orgasm during sex, make sure she gets there first. You can either “hop on the train when she’s close to the station” or have your own orgasm later.
- 4. Take the stress out of your lovemaking. Stress is sex and libido killer number one. Stress at work, stress at home, stress in the relationship, financial stress AND stress because you feel your sex has to accomplish something are all very negative influences. Relaxation helps. Make it fun and take your time. Have a shower or even better a bath first (the Japanese have turned bathing into an artform in itself), go romantic, go kinky, go sexy, go exciting, but DO something to take your mind off the daily stress and worries. Creative sex, with regular changes and surprises, also improves your sexlife.
©2007 Hans Meijer
Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for poweroticsFoundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.