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USA BDSM Munches

This is a work in progress..it might always be in progress! This is a listing of places, organizations, clubs, etc, all with useful information and where you can find and get involved with your local scene. Listings include both pansexual and exclusive groups.

Note–PLEASE do not send listings of professional dungeons, pro doms, or BDSM-related businesses.This page is simply a guide to where people can meet and get involved.

Helpful hint–I’ll list them if you send them, but Yahoo discussion groups, pages on Geocities, Angelfire, etc, have a brief life span due to the growing anti-adult censorship of those web communities. You’re better off having your page hosted by an adult friendly (or at least indifferent) provider.

Also, please do not send date-specific listings of anything that’ll expire–trying to keep this page a resource for ongoing groups/organizations.

NOTE:Lots of the sites listed on this resource have now closed due the closure of Geocities etc, we apologize for the inconvenience. We will work at rebuilding this listing in the future.

National: General Resources

  • Acme BDSM: no, not what Wile E Coyote did with the Roadrunner! This is a web resource and discussion page for the BDSM community.
  • Aggressive AIDS Prevention: nonprofit corporation dedicated to raising awareness of HIV/AIDS, encouraging HIV antibody testing, and promoting HIV Negative maintenance through Media.
  • The BDSM Events Page: lists time-sensitive information on events and a few international listings–very good resource
  • BDSM Partner Registry: An idea long overdue–an online gift registry for those of us in the lifestyle!
  • Black Beat Inc: an independent, non-profit, social organization founded by African American members of the D/s, BDSM and Leather community nationwide. Black BEAT strives to cultivate safe, sane, consenting adults (21 years and older) with alternative lifestyle and sexuality interests via culture, education, development, support, and event planning.
  • Bound: branches in Washington, DC as well as Baltimore MD, Tampa, FL, Richmond, VA, New Haven, CT. (NYC, Chicago, Philadelphia, San Francisco and Seattle by Oct 1998). *European* branches: Reykjavik, Iceland, Stockholm Sweden, and Prague CZ.
  • BDSM Events: mailing lists of local BDSM events, also has international listings
  • BDSM Travelers: BDSM Travelers is a directory of friendly, travel-loving people in the BDSM lifestyle who offer each other the gift of hospitality in their homes. Members from around the world offer their hospitality to other members at no charge. These hosts, in turn, are received when they travel.
  • BDSM Village: an online cyber ‘village’ & resource center, but supports RL events and workshops as well in various locations.
  • The Beacon E-Zine: Online bi-monthly newsletter and calendar of BDSM events for the SE US. Covers Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina and Tennessee.
  • Chamber Door; good article/educational resource Dom sub Lifestyle: online bi-monthly newsletter and international calendar of BDSM events, groups, and group listings.
  • DS Kiosk Power Exchange Resource Center
  • The Fetish Alliance: education & support resource
  • Immediate Family: an Alternative Lifestyle Safehouse/Rescue project with affiliate houses throughout the US, Canada and the UK.
  • International Deaf Leather; P.O. Box 30286, Columbus OH 43230.
  • The Fireside Society: network for women and couples into BDSM in NC, SC, VA, and GA
  • Kink Aware Professionals
  • The Kinky Lawyer: legal resource page, as it applies to us kinky folk.
  • Kinky Tax: A kink friendly tax lawyer to help with the non-consential sadism practiced by the IRS.
  • National Leather Association
  • International Association of Rubberists
  • The Kinky Links Directory: I don’t list ‘professional’ Dominants or Dungeons on this page, but this guide is an excellent resource to that part of the scene.
  • Lifestyle Choices Legal Resources Center: an organization to assist those who live an alternative BDSM lifestyle, whose lifestyle is being made an issue in a court of Law, on the job or at home.
  • Romantic Hotels: a directory of Romantic, Adult and Theme Room Hotels in the US and Canada for romantic getaway spots. Decent resource for kinky folks travelling, or for those who arent into the dungeon/play party scene but still want to do something a little different for a scene.
  • SM Sex–Safely: the STOP AIDS Project. Targets gay and bisexual men, but this BDSM resource has material that is appropriate for anyone involved in BDSM/kink practices.
  • Submissive Women Speak: Reality-based information and advice for submissive women and the people who love them.
  • Subs For Dommes: The largest BDSM community in the world exclusive to Female Dommes and male/female subs and slaves dedicated to Female Domination. The site is free to all lifestyle Dommes,subs,slaves, switches. It is unique in design and membership includes email, access to all chatrooms, blogs, forums, profiles and every part of the site. The site also offers flash chatrooms, 3D chatrooms and a virtual city.
  • Sweet Surrender: online adult BDSM education site

Alabama

  • AlabamaFemDom-Malesub; play parties, social gatherings, and demonstrations.
  • Bound for Pleasure; North Alabama PanSexual Group devoted to the education and support of the BDSM Lifestyle.
  • Birmingham: Birmingham Leather/Fetish Society; A Pansexual lifestyle group promoting Leather solidarity and activism in Central Alabama and around the region.
  • The Red Chair; adult pan-sexual BDSM education, discussion and social group. Email rdchair@aol.comfor info.
  • Huntville: NASSA; North Alabama Spanking and Social Alternatives, pansexual support, education, & munch group.
  • Alabama Daddies/Girls Club(1ADGC); Group dedicated to educating and learning everything that can be shared between consenting adults concerning the Daddy/littlegirl concept.
  • Binding Ties; personal ad/discussion group, also holds RL munches in the Huntsville, Decatur, & Madison areas.
  • NAPEX; North Alabama Power Exchange
  • Montgomery: Central Alabama Power Exchange; pansexual, alternative lifestyle group with particular interests in B D S M and D/s and dedicated to Safe, Sane and Consensual aspects of the lifestyle.
  • Pelham: Steel City Centurions; men’s group, email for info.
  • Sylacauga: DARE; social group
  • Tuscaloosa: TuscaloosaALG; Alternative Lifestyles Group located in the Tuscaloosa area. Mainly a BDSM & D/s group, but all are welcome.

Alaska

Arizona

Arkansas

California

  • Calendar of BDSM California Events
  • Southern California Munch Group
  • The Gathering: Southern California socials
  • SOCalMunch; SoCalMUNCH covers the following areas: Palm Desert, Rancho Mirage, La Quinta, Indio, Coachella, Thermal, & the Westshores of the Salton Sea.
  • Northern California BDSM: social organization for individuals seeking a supportive environment for exploring alternative sexuality.
  • Bakersfield: Bakersfield BDSM Group Munch
  • Berkeley: Womanlink International; women’s group, 2124 Kittredge #257, Berkeley CA 94704.
  • Central California: Chosen Lifestyle
  • Canoga Park: MP Bands; P.O. Box 2843, Canoga Park, CA 91306
  • Chico: Chico BDSM Munch
  • El Cerrito: La Madrona; femdom couple’s group, P.O. Box 1335, El Cerrito CA 94530.
  • Fairfield: Munch, first Sunday of each month, email for info.
  • Los Angeles: Avatar Club
  • C.C.Inc; BDSM socials, run by the same people behind Conquest and Fetish X. Also weekly BDSM membership only parties at Lair de Sade
  • Dualities; discussion and munch group for switches
  • Eagle LA; Formerly The Gauntlet II, the Eagle L.A. is Los Angeles’ hottest Levi/Leather bar. Always upholding the Leather/Uniform/Fetish ethic, with the hottest leathermen in town.
  • MAsT L.A; A support and discussion group for gay men interested in the Master/slave or Dominant/submissive relationship.
  • Lair de Sade; A private membership organization established for the pleasure and recreation of BDSM lifestylers. Over 6,700 square feet. multiple buildings, kitchen, 3 bathrooms and basement. 30+ playstations with exquisite BDSM furniture and equipment. Outside patio for socializing and smoking features cast iron patio heaters and a firepit.
  • LA Pups; social group for all human pups/dogs, Handlers/Trainers/Owners of human pups, or anyone that has an interest in human pups. The group is open to all genders and orientations.
  • Los Angeles boys of leather; a group of submissives who are in service to the local leather community. The term “leatherboy” can refer to people of any age, gender, appearance or sexual orientation who share a common dedication to service and devotion to the leather community.
  • Los Angeles Girls of Leather; LAgoL is a group focused on providing a welcoming space for leathergirls and to provide service to our local Leather/BDSM community. Leather girls are men and women who find joy in being of service to others. We are slaves, submissives, and bottoms with a feminine heart and include service people of all genders and sexual orientations.
  • LA Leather Coalition; A pansexual coalition of leather and fetish identified businesses and motorcycle, educational, social and uniform organizations. The LALC facilitates communication and mutual understanding among different segments of the leather/fetish-affiliated community, and promotes unity through cooperative endeavors that offer entertainment, education, social interaction, and community service.
  • Los Angeles Radical and Wicked Women; A women’s group devoted to the educational and social well-being of the women’s BDSM, leather, and fetish communities. LARAWW welcomes all women and transfolk, regardless of their sexual orientation or preference. We provide high quality educational programs and information, play parties and social gatherings.
  • NLA-Los Angeles; 7985 Santa Monica Blvd 109-217, West Hollywood CA 90046
  • PLAY; A social and educational group for leatherfolk interested in the integration of radical sexuality and spirituality; provides spiritual outreach to the leather/fetish community; fosters leather/fetish understanding within the larger spiritual community. PLAY is open to all adults without regard to gender, age, race, religious/spiritual affiliation or sexual orientation.
  • Trident International; 1064 Myra Avenue, #32, Los Angeles, CA 90026
  • The Threshold Society; non-profit social & educational organization
  • Lower Lake: Alternative Lake County CA; online magazine. Also holds BDSM classes and workshops. Contact: jwolf@usa.com
  • Marina Del Rey: Threshold; 2554 Lincoln Blvd PMB 1004, Marina Del Rey CA 90291 Phone: (818) 782-1160
  • Lake County Munch
  • Lompoc: Lompoc Valley Power Exchange; pansexual munch group, email LVPX-owner@yahoogroups.com for info.
  • Marysville: Marysville Yubacity Munch group. Email: Sierraflowr@comcast.net
  • Milpitas: MilPitas PlAyers
  • Modesto: The Modesto Discussion Group
  • Monterey: Monterey Bay Kinksters; munches in Monterey & Moss Landing.
  • Stile di vita; Stile di vita (Italian for ‘lifestyle’) Supports the Male Dominant/female submissive community in California’s South Bay providing an intellectual approach to D/s and M/s lifestyles.
  • North Bay: Munch, third Sunday of each month, email for info.
  • Orange County: Under Ground Leather Association; private membership association, but holds discussion meetings open to the general public
  • Orange County Munch Group: Pansexual BDSM Group
  • Palo Alto/Sunnyvale: The Munch
  • Petaluma: North Bay Third Sunday Munch
  • Redding: munch group for northern CA, meets the last Friday of each month. Email MDW@charter.net for details.
  • Riverside: Paddlers of Southern California; PSC is a discussion list & munch group for adults in the Southern California area who are involved in the BDSM Lifestyle, and for those who would like to meet others in the BDSM Lifestyle, to share, socialize and interact in a safe, friendly and harmonious atmosphere and environment.
  • Sacramento: EroticEdge: BDSM discussion group, especially for newcomers.
  • FemDommes of Sacramento; open to all submissives and Femdommes
  • Sacramento Valley Leathercorps; gay men’s and women’s group
  • “T”ransitions
  • San Bernardino: Phoenix Alternative; pansexual BDSM education and social organization.
  • San Diego: Club X; P. O. Box 3092, San Diego, CA 92163 Phone: (619) 685-5149 Email: info@clubxsd.org
  • San Diego Social; meets and greets once a month.
  • San Fernando Valley Munch
  • San Francisco: Cogent Warriors; women’s group, 2261 Market #250, San Francisco, CA 94114
  • Constantines of the Bay Area; men’s group
  • Defenders San Francisco; Catholic leather society
  • El Cerrito Munch; 3rd monday’s, 7 pm at Carrow’s Restaurant, 6120 Potrero at San Pablo Ave
  • The Exiles; P.O. Box 31266, San Francisco CA 94131 Phone: (415)487-5170
  • Fifteen Association; men’s group, P.O. Box 421302, San Francisco, CA 94142
  • The Forum of San Francisco; coalition of motorcycle and leather clubs
  • Leathermen’s Discussion Group: located at EROS, 2051 Market St., near Church St., San Francisco
  • Links; 207 Gough Street, #58, San Francisco, CA 94102 Phone: (415) 695-7955 or (415) 703-7159
  • Mahogany Pleasures of Darkness; BDSM online discussion / munch group for People of Color and the people who like them
  • ; classes, discussion groups, and dungeon parties.
  • ; Lists upcoming events for the mens community along with other information, including an overview of the neighborhood for visitors.
  • San Francisco Girls of Leather; SFgoL provides a source of communication, information, growth and support for Leather girls; educates the community about leathergirls; supports activities within the leather community. Leathergirls are people with a girl’s heart, whose primary self-identity is girl. The girl identity is not limited by bio sex, gender, or sexual orientation.
  • Service of Mankind Church; P.O. Box 1335, El Cerrito, CA 94530 Phone: (510) 232-1369
  • The Stampede; The Bay Area Human Animal Roleplay Society
  • Power Exchange Sex Clubs
  • San Francisco Leather Online; listing of leather clubs and events
  • Society of Janus; P.O. Box 411523, San Francisco, CA 94141 Email: janus@soj.org
  • San Jose: Santa Clara County Leather Association, email mssccla2000@leatherspace.com
  • Edges; play space, also hosts play parties
  • Leather WISDOM; women’s group, P.O. Box 2519, Santa Clara CA 95055.
  • SM Odyssey; Pansexual organization that holds educational classes every month, Includes the San Jose Munch, mens/women/pansexual discussion groups and Play Parties.
  • Southern Cross
  • Santa Clarita: Santa Clarita Munch
  • Santa Cruz: Santa Crux Munch
  • Studio City: Shadow Lane
  • Vacaville/Fairfield: Dungeon and Dreams Vacaville/Fairfield Munch
  • Vallejo: The Overlook; offers a monthly event as well as provides event listings in the Northern California area.

Colorado

Connecticut

Delaware

Florida

Georgia

Hawaii

Idaho

Illinois

  • Central Illinois: Leatherpalooza; BDSM education and events.
  • Chicago: Chicago Leather Club; pansexual organization that provides a supportive, social, and educational environment for the Levi/leather, BDSM, and fetish communities.
  • Chicago Far North Shore Munch Group
  • Chicago Hellfire Club; men’s group, P.O. Box 5426, Chicago, IL 60680
  • Crimson Moon Ltd: spanking resource & party site
  • Dedicated and Safe: membership pansexual group, hosts seminars, parties
  • Galleria Domain; BDSM membership club
  • Leather Archives; “Our Mission: The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes.”
  • Leather United-Chicago; P.O. Box 81288, Chicago, IL 60681-1288 Phone: 773-486-5499 Email: LeatherUN@aol.com
  • Leather SINS Social Club; Leather SINS is Leather Social Interaction of the North Shore, a Chicago area Dinner Group which meets twice monthly as well as presenting other functions throughout the year.
  • BDSM Chicago; Features CRAM (Chicago rope and mummification group) and CHISM (Chicago BDSM community calendar).
  • LRA BDSM Leather Club; welcomes alternative lifestyles in Chicagoland and suburbs whatever your orientation: heterosexual bisexual homosexual or interest: Dominant submissive Master slave Top bottom spanking fetish.
  • Midwest Submissive Discussion Group
  • Submission Of Love; submissive’s support group
  • Decatur: BCI Pearls of Wisdom; A pansexual discussion group for people 21 years and older to discuss the realtime lifestyle of D/s and b/d/s/m living in central illinois and the surrounding areas. Monthly Munches.
  • Moline-Rock Island: Riverbound–Quad Cities BDSM
  • Rockford: REALM –Rockford and Extended Area Lifestyle Munch
  • Springfield: L.I.N.K.S; Like-minded Individuals Networking for Knowledge and Satisfaction. We meet on the third Saturday of every month for a munch/social in a local restaurant. Members host their own private play parties and are by invitation only.

Indiana

  • Northern Indiana: Northern Indiana Power Exchange: lifestyle group based in Northern Indiana and welcomes others from areas near by including Ohio, Michigan amd Illinois.
  • Northern Indiana Kink
  • Club Fem Indy; a N/P social organization composed of individuals who want to develop sincere Female dominant/male submissive relationships.
  • Bloomington: Headspace; pansexual group, serving IU students and the rest of the community
  • Evansville: Evansville Munch Bunch
  • Common Grounds; pansexual social & educational group
  • Fort Wayne: Fort Wayne Munch; bi-monthly munches, monthly play parties, and feature a submissive’s group that meets monthly, and a Dominant’s group that hasn’t begun to have meetings yet.
  • NEILA; North East Indiana Leather Association
  • Summit City Munch
  • Indianapolis:
  • Andromeda; social and educational group for lesbians, butches/femmes, gender queers, bisexuals, and transsexual/transgender persons* in the Central Indiana area who are interested in kink, B/D, D/S, S/M, etc.
  • IMAS (Indiana Masters and slaves/submissives/switches) ; munch group
  • NLA Indianapolis: 1310 Oakland Ave., Indianapolis IN 46201
  • The Indy Slosh; informal BDSM group
  • NLA Indianapolis
  • Sweet Misery, P O Box 11690, Indianapolis, IN 46201-0690
  • Lafayette: Lafayette Munch
  • Muncie: Club DOMINION; pansexual fetish nightclub/dungeon (this club seems to be in limbo right now)
  • Merrillville: Hood and Leash of Indiana; group of Gor and D/s Lifestyle friendly people who like to gather and learn from each other. Bi-monthly meetings.
  • South Bend: ALM; Alternative Lifestyles of Michiana

Iowa

Kansas

Kentucky

Louisiana

  • Alexandria: Central Louisiana BDSM mailing list, send email to CenLaBDSM@egroups.com.
  • Baton Rouge: Red Stick Volunteer Players
  • Lafayette: Acadiana Power Exchange
  • Lake Charles: BDSM_Lake_Charles; BDSM support and social group
  • New Orleans: Club Fem NOLA; Femdom – malesub group
  • NOBLE; non-profit pansexual support, play and social group
  • Society les Femdommes; FemDomme group based in southeast Louisiana serving Female Dominants, male submissives and female submissives.
  • Shreveport: S_portdungeon; education & support group serving the Shreveport region and all of Northern Louisiana.
  • Delightful Dungeon; Pansexual D/s, BD S&M group in the Shreveport-Bossier City area.
  • Different Delights; pansexual 21& over support, education, and social group. Holds monthly munches, educational meetings, and coffee get togethers 3 times a month.
  • SWORD; Shreveport Women Of Regal Dominance, a fem Domme group and their subs, educating and supporting those in the Fem Dom lifestyle

Maine

Maryland

Massachusetts

  • Alston: The K.M. Society; P.O. Box 66, Alston MA 02134.
  • Boston: Boston Burgermunch; email for info.
  • New England Dungeon Society
  • Common Bond; women’s group, P.O. Box 390313, Boston MA 02139.
  • Bound For Pleasure; a New England BDSM social group that firmly believes in Safe, Sane and Consensual activities that will reflect on the B/D, D/S, S/M, Fetish and Alternative Lifestyle Communities in a healthy and positive light.
  • Defenders Boston: Catholic leather society, 55 E. Springfield St., Boston, MA 02118
  • New England NLA
  • One Nation Underground: information/ power exchange group for the BDSM/leather lifestyles
  • Boston-The Next Generation of Kinksters; pansexual BDSM group for motivated kinky individuals age 18-35 that is dedicated to education, outreach, and an enriching social environment within the leather community.
  • Braintree: SouthShore Munch; egroups list. Holds a munch 1st and 3rd Sundays of the month.
  • Cambridge: MOB New England; Women’s play and social group.
  • Charlestown: Boston United Leather Legion; A gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender group, P.O. Box 287, Charlestown MA 02129.
  • Hadley: Bound and Determined, women’s group, P.O. Box 602, Hadley MA 01035.
  • Medford: Urania; women’s group, P.O. Box 501, Medford MA 02155.
  • Northampton: East Coast FTM Group; P.O. Box 60585, Florence Station, Northampton, MA 01060
  • Links: pansexual group, meets monthly at Intimicies in downtown Northampton.
  • Northampton Alt; adult social group
  • North Dartmouth: FLAG (Fits Like A Glove); glove fetish organization, predominantly gay male, but it is not limited to men or gay.
  • Shelix; women’s group, P.O. Box 416, Northampton, MA 01060-0416
  • Randolph: The Esoterica Society; P.O. Box 37, Randolph, MA 02368
  • Saugus: munch, contact Darkskyfire@aol.com for info
  • Springfield: The Western Massachusetts Power Exchange
  • WMPE-The Next Generation; for lifestylers 18-35.
  • WMPE Submissive Discussions; submissive only support group
  • Taunton: munch, held the 1st and 3rd Thursdays of the month. Email Swtchr2@aol.com for info.
  • Waltham: Northeast Spanking Society; couples only group
  • Worcester: Worcester Women’s Munch

Michigan

Minnesota

Mississippi

Missouri

Montana

Nebraska

Nevada

  • Las Vegas: Delicious Decadence; egroup that aims to enlighten and introduce interested & curious people from all walks of life into the enticing world of Ds.
  • CHIX; Women’s BDSM egroup, created to unite, connect and address the lifestyle issues, concerns and direction of all women – whatever vocation, sexual preference, orientation, size or inclination.
  • Dungeon Kink: A private Las Vegas play party group for SSC adults into D/s, BDSM.
  • Las Vegas BDSM Lifestyle Group: A BDSM Lifestyle Group that values Protocol and Ritual, for the Lifestyler in Las Vegas and surroundings, Singles and Couples alike, who are involved in the BDSM Lifestyle, and for those who would like to meet others in the BDSM Lifestyle, to share, socialize and interact in a safe, friendly and harmonious atmosphere and environment.
  • Leather Uniform Club of Las Vegas; pansexual leather group dedicated to Education, Socializing, and Community Service.
  • Pau’Hana – The Club in the Lava Lounge; has a weekly fetish night, located at Hawaiian Marketplace, 3743 S. Las Vegas Blvd, Las Vegas, NV 89109
  • Polished Collar Society; private association of like-minded individuals sharing in the experience of learning and practicing the ritualistic aspects of BDSM.
  • Twisted Vanilla; real-life/time BDSM-D/s lifestyle group based in Southern Nevada (Las Vegas/Pahrump), offering support and social activities for those interested in BDSM and D/s lifestyles, and especially those interested protocols, respects and servitudes under the practices of “Old World” Mistresses and Masters. Parties, munches and slave training available to those who are honorable and discrete.
  • Shibari
  • Sin City DS Network: egroup for all Las Vegas area individuals at least 21 years of age interested in Dominance and submission, and BD/SM activities for the purpose of meeting and maintaining contact.
  • Reno: Northern Nevada Free Lifestyles; adult munch and social group.

New Hampshire

New Jersey

New Mexico

New York

North Carolina

  • Northeastern NC: ASKNENC; lifestyle munch group for Northeast NC, as well as Southeast Virginia
  • Asheville: The Asheville Area Group; pansexual social group. Address: TAAG, PO Box 2372, Leicester, NC 28748.
  • Charlotte: Charlotte Area Power Exchange; a not-for-profit pansexual organization in the south central Piedmont area of North Carolina for people who share an interest in BDSM.
  • Black Garden; pansexual BDSM group w/ weekly get togethers. bi monthly rope suspension ‘shows’, regular club nights, irregular private play parties, see link and calendar for details
  • Purgatory; bi-monthly fetish party, with rotating themes
  • Tradesmen, Inc; men’s group, P.O. Box 36712, Charlotte NC 28204.
  • Tradesman, Inc; P.O. Box 36712, Charlotte, NC 28204
  • Raleigh-Durham: Safe, Sane, Consensual Network (SSCN); SSCN is a not-for-profit BDSM organization dedicated to providing education, support, and a social network for its contributors in a safe, responsible, and discretion-conscious environment.
  • Wilmington: Domme Beach; femdom (and admirers!) social group.
  • WHIP
  • WINK: private alternative lifestyle group in southeastern North Carolina for Adults who practice SSC bdsm; for discussion, education, support and socializing.

North Dakota

Ohio

Oklahoma

Oregon

Pennsylvania

Rhode Island

  • Providence: Aces; P.O. Box 261, Annex Station, Providence RI 02901.
  • Hathor’s Garden; weekly club fetish night
  • RI Enforcers: leather group for gay men, bi people, TGs and lesbians, dedicated to being a brotherhood/sisterhood in leather and raising funds for local AIDS charities.

South Carolina

South Dakota

Tennessee

Texas

Utah

  • Salt Lake City:
  • The Path; friendly pansexual group that delivers organised “how to” BDSM lectures and classes
  • Utah Power Exchange (UPEX); pansexual r/t group
  • Wasatch Leathermen; men’s group, P.O. Box 1311, Salt Lake City, UT 84110

Vermont

  • Brattleboro/Keene NH: Darkstoneds; pansexual BDSM group, monthly munches and socials.
  • Rose & Thorn Northern Vermont BDSM Parties; This is a friendly gathering of people who are active in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle. This is an opportunity to meet friends (and singles) who are on the same page. This is NOT a “play” party but an opportunity to build a community of like-minded people.
  • Vermont Society of Kink; holds a Soiree the First Friday of each month as well as a popular online discussion group.

Virginia

Washington

Washington D.C.

  • Black Rose; PO Box 11161, Arlington, VA 22210-1161. Phone: (202) 686-5880
  • Bound: fetish, Goth, Industrial club, light BDSM play and lots of fetish gear and vendors. Locations in DC and Baltimore, home base is in DC.
  • Club Salo: fetish event for gays and lesbians (and those that like to play with them!)
  • The Crucible: BDSM nightclub, email or call 202-310-2100
  • DC Spanking; pansexual email list
  • Defenders; Catholic Leather Group, P O Box 33098, Washington, DC 20033
  • First of the Month Munch; email for info.
  • The Men of Discipline; PO Box 21090, Washington, DC 20009
  • PEP-Washington DC; P.O. Box 1160, Arlington VA 22210
  • The Power Exchange
  • The Resource Pool; education and discussion group for the DC, VA, and MD area. Also holds workshops.
  • SIGMA; men’s leather/bdsm/bondage social group, call (202)728-7589 for the Hotline, or email Sigmadc@aol.com for more info.

West Virginia

  • West Virginia Femdom: NEW, so new that you can still smell the paint, Femdom-oriented support group just trying to get off the ground.
  • Beckley: SMACK; for individuals in the Beckley, WV and surrounding areas who have a sincere interest in BD, D/s, and/or M/s relationships.
  • Clarksburgh/Bridgeport: WELTS; pansexual munch & support group
  • Glengary: WHIP; educational and social pansexual leather group
  • Tri State Area Power Exchange(TAPE): new munch for the WV/KY/OH area
  • Weirton: Tri State Munch; pansexual support & social group
  • Wheeling: WV Meet and greet, email bbw4urcmnd@aol.com for info.

Wisconsin

Wyoming

Lots of the sites listed on this resource have now closed due the closure of geosites and yahoo free pages we apologize for the inconvenience we will work at rebuilding this listing in the future.

Posted on

The New Social Media and Relationship

In the distant past, in a land not very far away, new lovers would meet in clubs and bars, campuses and offices. They would share passion in dorm rooms, apartments and hotels. When they were apart, they’d spill their feelings through long handwritten pages of prose, and talk for hours over miles of telephone wire. If love went wrong, they’d murmur goodbye with the glance of a kiss or shout good riddance over the angry slam of a door.

But that was then . . . Here and now, lovers are likely to meet online, track each other on My Space, grow intimate in Second Life and share ideas through their blogs. An illicit affair might be discovered in email, the breakup occurring via text message or AIM. Today, when relationships like these go through transitions, their ups and downs become the emotional flotsam of virtual space; the drama of public consumption. What’s left of purely private pain is found in the grief of each ending. But even then, online support groups soothe the misery of pining alone.

The term “social networking” and “social media” encompass the myriad ways we’ve come to integrate blogs, wikis, podcasts, networking sites, text messages, video phone, tagging, RSS feeds and other not yet invented but eventually ubiquitous innovations into our daily lives. Just like our working life is framed by these technologies, our romantic life, too, is built around them. Whether they serve or somehow diminish our emotional intelligence is a reasonable question to ask, but not one we can yet answer. Only one thing is for sure: this brave new word of social media, now unleashed, won’t be stuffed back into the virtual Pandora’s Box from whence it came. As the distinction between virtual life and real life grows ever more blurred, our relationships are changing to match. Soon, whatever distinctions between cyber and real still exist may become invisible or irrelevant.

Consider how Elliot and Bree navigated their way out of a brief, but intense, extramarital affair. Both were married to others, with no intention of leaving their spouses, and they knew their romance wasn’t meant for the long haul. Yet they chose to fling themselves into the fire, promising that when the time came to douse the flames they’d do it bravely. It was no surprise to anyone who knew Bree or Elliot that, when that day came, “goodbye” was not so easy to say. Neither one of them was ready to cut off contact completely, yet they were wary of having an extended relationship, or even an email relationship that might be discovered. They arrived at a compromise that that reflected their unusual circumstances and the little miracles created by the times we live in: they set up a public blog. Their blog was deliberately available to anybody, in theory, but in practice, the blog was a place where they could journal and communicate without committing to anything more. It was the perfect bridge between worlds for them, something that wouldn’t have been possible just a few years ago.

Whether committing to a relationship or untangling one, many people are using social media to announce changes, marking their transitions with brevity and strong symbolism rather than discussion or argument. Why, just a tiny change to one’s online profile on any social networking site can tell a complex tale, send a message to the world and put one’s lover on notice that times are a-changin’. Despite the fact that a profile change doesn’t sound like a kind or definitive way to deliver news, such changes are frequently made with all the fanfare of a mouse click. Is it any wonder then, that these days men and women obsessively scan the profiles of people they date for indications of subtle shifts in attitude – like going from “in a relationship” to “single” or “it’s complicated”? Changes in one’s online presence can communicate mood and emotion in almost the same way that tone of voice or body language does, both offering clues that beg to be decoded.

Of course, these methods can backfire as easily as they can enable the winds of change. When Amilee decided that she’d had enough of her boyfriend’s raucous nights out with the boys, in a fit of frustration she decided to take a stand by updating her MySpace profile, changing her status from “in a relationship” to “single.” She wasn’t exactly ready to break up with Jeremy; she was, however, inclined to send out the equivalent of a smoke signal to the gods asking them to send along a prince instead of a toad. She knew Jeremy wasn’t on MySpace, so her effort was her own acknowledgment that she was ready for something/someone better. However, Amilee forgot to consider the fact that even if Jeremy didn’t scan profiles, his friends did. When Jeremy’s best friend’s girlfriend was browsing MySpace, she saw Amilee’s “single” notation and immediately told her boyfriend, who told Jeremy. At that point Jeremy cut off the relationship with a stinging public comment on Amilee’s page for all the world to see.

Some social network users feel that there is a protocol to employing social media as a romantic intermediary, but few people know what, exactly, that protocol is. It seems there are as many versions of protocol as there are users. Because the world of social networking is so new, the etiquette is unformed. Common sense doesn’t always apply there, any more than it does between bloggers or listserve participants, who are prone to cruelties of communication in text that they’d never consider expressing face to face. The bluntness of a profile indicator, a demotion in favored number status, or a sharp comment left in a fit of pique can pack a walloping emotional punch because it is precise, cutting and humiliating in public.

At the onset of relationships, social media has begun to have impact, too. It can announce to friends that a couple is taking their pattern of hook-ups to the next level – but a premature shift in status from “single” to “in a relationship” on the part of just one partner can provoke rumbles of anxiety if the other one wasn’t consulted and isn’t ready. If two people haven’t had “the talk” that clearly defines them as more than dates, a “relationship” announcement in black and white can suffocate, and may even send the undecided one running for a new playmate.

Of course, the very fact that relationships issues are not discussed – just announced in social-code – can bode poorly for a budding relationship. When MySpace or Facebook takes the place of genuine discussion, perhaps the symbolism applies to both partners, stating that neither is ready for a “real” relationship quite yet. And then there’s the matter of cell phones. What happens to a frequent chat /text habit between friends when one changes carriers and is no longer affordably accessible? When their 30 daily text messages start costing? Can the relationship stand the heat? Researchers show that cell phone connections enhance bonds between users, especially among those under 25 – and that the ability to free-connect to friends is the reason people choose one network over another. But if circumstances force a change, can the love survive? Does a Verizon networker have to choose between their friends and an iPhone (restricted to AT&T)?

With so much uncertain in the cyber-social sphere, at least one thing is guaranteed: relationships will be born and transition in and out of existence just as they always have. It’s the methods, the technologies, and the creativity with which they shape-shift that we need more time to fully comprehend. Of course, given the exponential speed with which social networks and the media that support them are changing, it’s most likely that just when we begin to understand the latest iteration, a whole new world will open up – and we’ll be back at the beginning all over again.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article Dr Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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The Art of Flirting Online

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker:How to Transition from Online To Real Time I hear some version of this sad story nearly every day:

Online we were so good, so hot, it was easy to talk to and tease each other. I thought it would be just as good when we met, but instead it felt so awkward. We never recovered from that, and our online thing just petered out.

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker:How to Transition from Online To Real Time

Even if you’re sporting a well-developed persona online, it won’t necessarily transfer to RL. The reasons are varied, but the most important has to do with the fact that you are so much more relaxed and attentive behind the monitor. Your brain isn’t over-flowing with worries like “what does he think of me?” or “does she think I’m as phat as I think she is?” The boundary between cyber and RL is getting slimmer every day, but it’s still thick enough for cyberplay to continue being more protective of our egos than RL. In a relaxed and uninhibited state, it’s much easier to flirt. You can be fearless! And that’s the key right there. In real life, you become more of whoever you are when you’re afraid. That is, if you tend to be tongue-tied when afraid, or if you get overly talkative or more aggressive and confrontational, those qualities come to the forefront, hiding some of your most desirable aspects. In fact, they hide the very qualities that come across so well online.

To make matters worse, fear impedes your ability to control your body talk. When anxious, all your little quirks are exaggerated, and your capacity for strategy goes out the window. That may be your most serious handicap, because seductive body language is the secret to winning the game-set portion of any RL match.

Eighty percent of a first impression rests on how you move, stand, make eye contact, and express your interest nonverbally. Very little of the first impression comes from what you say. The tone of your voice – that is, the sound and cadence of it, not the words themselves – also weighs in. If your voice is weak and shallow, if your body is pulled back and stiff, or hyperactive and fidgety, you can blow things at hello. Why is this particularly important for social networkers to know? Your relationships online are based almost entirely on language use and its impact upon perception. You come alive to others through the words you use. Your body language, which could probably be best described as “slumped over the keyboard,” has little to do with the impression you make. Flirting in real life means honing a communication style in which social networkers tend to be least fluent. The anxiety and awkwardness you feel in RL is understandably a reflection of lack of comfort with your body and insufficient practice using it as your communicator.

Of course, the smarts that you play with online are as valuable in RL as anywhere in cyberspace – they just aren’t usually the meat of a first impression, nor are they sufficient to give you confidence as a bona fide flirt. To become comfortable in RL, new learning can’t develop inside your head or through an avatar; it requires actual practice. In that respect, flirting is a lot like dancing. You need to release fear and relax your body, while simultaneously paying attention to your movements. Yes, “relax and concentrate” sounds almost paradoxical – which is why, like dancing, flirting has to be practiced. You can’t head-trip your way to a successful flirting style – you have to do the physical deed over and over again until your body owns the experience.

Here are suggestions for flirt-worthy moves that you can practice daily with almost anybody. After you’ve mastered them, you’ll feel more confident and in charge of yourself when approaching someone whose response truly matters.

  • 1) Sit and stand straight; move with confidence. Proper posture really does matter a lot! Watch some of your favorite actors move with easy grace on screen and follow their lead. Don’t swivel or swagger; don’t over-do; just relax and move like you’re perfectly happy to share your billions of dollars and even greater wealth of heart. Remember that when you meet someone, the way you silently enter the room and sit down will be your first impression, and this can carry more weight than anything you do with your mouth open over the subsequent hour.
  • 2) Use your eyes to connect. The more intimate you want to be with someone, the broader your “zone of attention” can be. In business, you want to look primarily at the upper face as you “meet their eyes.” This term is a bit misleading though, because you don’t want to stare straight into someone’s eyes at all. Rather, shift your focus from eye to eye or take in their eyes and whole face simultaneously. When you are intimately interested in someone your zone of attention can become more encompassing, often taking in the most alluring bits: chest, shoulders, lips. Watching someone’s lips as they talk can be flirtatious and signal you are thinking thoughts about their mouth that go far beyond speech. In any social situation, though, you want to be looking at the person you’re talking with – never down at your hands, at the floor, over their shoulder, or around the room. This takes lots of practice, especially for social networkers who are adept multi-taskers. If your attention wanders easily to the newest incoming stimulus, you’ll need to put a strong rein on this habit.
  • 3) Shift your body subtly in the direction of the other person, as if they are the sun and you are a vine that grows toward the light. For instance, lean forward a little as the other person speaks; angle your body in their direction rather than away; cross your leg so that your toe is pointing at them.
  • 4) Mirror: Watch the other person’s body language and mirror their positive moves. If they take a sip of their drink and then lean forward, wait a moment and do something similar – but not necessarily an exact imitation. If they cross their leg in your direction, wait 40-60 seconds and do the same. Yes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In this case, you’re saying, “I like you” with your gestures and forming an unspoken connection.
  • 5) To increase the intensity of flirtation, use touch. As you’re speaking, emphasize a point by lightly touching the other’s arm or knee. Lean in when you’re laughing and touch them as if to underscore the joke. This will suggest a certain intimacy (unless it suggests drunkenness!) and might even be viewed as a come-on, so be judicious here. You don’t want to do this in business or with someone you aren’t interested in pursuing, unless you are close friends and touch comes naturally.
  • 6) Match your body talk and vocal tone. Again, pay attention to your favorite actors and actresses in roles where they seem to be flirting. Notice how body and the voice compliment one another. Watch a scene depicting flirtation in a foreign film, then turn off the subtitles (DVDs usually let you do this in set-up). Notice how vocal inflections and conversational melodies work with body language to signal sexual interest, even in the absence of understandable dialog. This just goes to show how little the actual words matter – quite unlike the online experience, where words transmit 98% of the message.
  • 7) If you’re a woman, touch yourself. (No…not like that!) Capturing someone’s attention can be as simple as imagining that you feel a cool breeze or a tickle on your skin and are “unconsciously” reacting by mirroring the sensation with your fingers. Practice running fingertips across your throat or the top of your chest; drag them over your shoulder and down the side of your arm. These moves can send an “innocently” sensual signal. You’ll want to save this tactic for when you’re deep into a conversation and avoid doing it more than once or twice. Like the act of sensually applying lipstick while someone watches – a no-no in polite company but ultra come-hither when flirting – self-touch can be a powerful move. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t want to pull the trigger on the big guns of flirtation unless you’re hankering for return fire.

Start practicing the art of body talk in situations where the outcome isn’t terribly important, and you’ll be surprised how soon these moves become second nature. Then your confidence will soar, along with your fluency as a RL flirt!

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

Posted on

The Art of Flirting Online

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker: How to Transition from Online To Real Time I hear some version of this sad story nearly every day:

Online we were so good, so hot, it was easy to talk to and tease each other. I thought it would be just as good when we met, but instead it felt so awkward. We never recovered from that, and our online thing just petered out.

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker:How to Transition from Online To Real Time

Even if you’re sporting a well-developed persona online, it won’t necessarily transfer to RL. The reasons are varied, but the most important has to do with the fact that you are so much more relaxed and attentive behind the monitor. Your brain isn’t over-flowing with worries like “what does he think of me?” or “does she think I’m as phat as I think she is?” The boundary between cyber and RL is getting slimmer every day, but it’s still thick enough for cyberplay to continue being more protective of our egos than RL. In a relaxed and uninhibited state, it’s much easier to flirt. You can be fearless! And that’s the key right there. In real life, you become more of whoever you are when you’re afraid. That is, if you tend to be tongue-tied when afraid, or if you get overly talkative or more aggressive and confrontational, those qualities come to the forefront, hiding some of your most desirable aspects. In fact, they hide the very qualities that come across so well online.

To make matters worse, fear impedes your ability to control your body talk. When anxious, all your little quirks are exaggerated, and your capacity for strategy goes out the window. That may be your most serious handicap, because seductive body language is the secret to winning the game-set portion of any RL match.

Eighty percent of a first impression rests on how you move, stand, make eye contact, and express your interest nonverbally. Very little of the first impression comes from what you say. The tone of your voice – that is, the sound and cadence of it, not the words themselves – also weighs in. If your voice is weak and shallow, if your body is pulled back and stiff, or hyperactive and fidgety, you can blow things at hello. Why is this particularly important for social networkers to know? Your relationships online are based almost entirely on language use and its impact upon perception. You come alive to others through the words you use. Your body language, which could probably be best described as “slumped over the keyboard,” has little to do with the impression you make. Flirting in real life means honing a communication style in which social networkers tend to be least fluent. The anxiety and awkwardness you feel in RL is understandably a reflection of lack of comfort with your body and insufficient practice using it as your communicator.

Of course, the smarts that you play with online are as valuable in RL as anywhere in cyberspace – they just aren’t usually the meat of a first impression, nor are they sufficient to give you confidence as a bona fide flirt. To become comfortable in RL, new learning can’t develop inside your head or through an avatar; it requires actual practice. In that respect, flirting is a lot like dancing. You need to release fear and relax your body, while simultaneously paying attention to your movements. Yes, “relax and concentrate” sounds almost paradoxical – which is why, like dancing, flirting has to be practiced. You can’t head-trip your way to a successful flirting style – you have to do the physical deed over and over again until your body owns the experience.

Here are suggestions for flirt-worthy moves that you can practice daily with almost anybody. After you’ve mastered them, you’ll feel more confident and in charge of yourself when approaching someone whose response truly matters.

  • 1) Sit and stand straight; move with confidence. Proper posture really does matter a lot! Watch some of your favorite actors move with easy grace on screen and follow their lead. Don’t swivel or swagger; don’t over-do; just relax and move like you’re perfectly happy to share your billions of dollars and even greater wealth of heart. Remember that when you meet someone, the way you silently enter the room and sit down will be your first impression, and this can carry more weight than anything you do with your mouth open over the subsequent hour.
  • 2) Use your eyes to connect. The more intimate you want to be with someone, the broader your “zone of attention” can be. In business, you want to look primarily at the upper face as you “meet their eyes.” This term is a bit misleading though, because you don’t want to stare straight into someone’s eyes at all. Rather, shift your focus from eye to eye or take in their eyes and whole face simultaneously. When you are intimately interested in someone your zone of attention can become more encompassing, often taking in the most alluring bits: chest, shoulders, lips. Watching someone’s lips as they talk can be flirtatious and signal you are thinking thoughts about their mouth that go far beyond speech. In any social situation, though, you want to be looking at the person you’re talking with – never down at your hands, at the floor, over their shoulder, or around the room. This takes lots of practice, especially for social networkers who are adept multi-taskers. If your attention wanders easily to the newest incoming stimulus, you’ll need to put a strong rein on this habit.
  • 3) Shift your body subtly in the direction of the other person, as if they are the sun and you are a vine that grows toward the light. For instance, lean forward a little as the other person speaks; angle your body in their direction rather than away; cross your leg so that your toe is pointing at them.
  • 4) Mirror: Watch the other person’s body language and mirror their positive moves. If they take a sip of their drink and then lean forward, wait a moment and do something similar – but not necessarily an exact imitation. If they cross their leg in your direction, wait 40-60 seconds and do the same. Yes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In this case, you’re saying, “I like you” with your gestures and forming an unspoken connection.
  • 5) To increase the intensity of flirtation, use touch. As you’re speaking, emphasize a point by lightly touching the other’s arm or knee. Lean in when you’re laughing and touch them as if to underscore the joke. This will suggest a certain intimacy (unless it suggests drunkenness!) and might even be viewed as a come-on, so be judicious here. You don’t want to do this in business or with someone you aren’t interested in pursuing, unless you are close friends and touch comes naturally.
  • 6) Match your body talk and vocal tone. Again, pay attention to your favorite actors and actresses in roles where they seem to be flirting. Notice how body and the voice compliment one another. Watch a scene depicting flirtation in a foreign film, then turn off the subtitles (DVDs usually let you do this in set-up). Notice how vocal inflections and conversational melodies work with body language to signal sexual interest, even in the absence of understandable dialog. This just goes to show how little the actual words matter – quite unlike the online experience, where words transmit 98% of the message.
  • 7) If you’re a woman, touch yourself. (No…not like that!) Capturing someone’s attention can be as simple as imagining that you feel a cool breeze or a tickle on your skin and are “unconsciously” reacting by mirroring the sensation with your fingers. Practice running fingertips across your throat or the top of your chest; drag them over your shoulder and down the side of your arm. These moves can send an “innocently” sensual signal. You’ll want to save this tactic for when you’re deep into a conversation and avoid doing it more than once or twice. Like the act of sensually applying lipstick while someone watches – a no-no in polite company but ultra come-hither when flirting – self-touch can be a powerful move. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t want to pull the trigger on the big guns of flirtation unless you’re hankering for return fire.

Start practicing the art of body talk in situations where the outcome isn’t terribly important, and you’ll be surprised how soon these moves become second nature. Then your confidence will soar, along with your fluency as a RL flirt!

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

Posted on

Recovering after a line is crossed

====== Recovering After an Erotic Line is crossed ======

The sexual imagination may know no limits, but the human body and psyche certainly do.

Your emotional and physical sensitivity can far exceed your conceptual ability to toy with novel erotic experiences.

When exploring fantasies, having a safeword is always wise. If something feels wrong, you can stop the action immediately with one well-timed syllable. But what happens when a safeword isn’t invoked quickly enough? If you’re on the receiving end of sensation (i.e. the “bottom”), what happens if your partner speeds past a limit faster than you can conjure the idea of “RED?” Or, if you’re the active player (i.e. the “top”), what do you do when a scene takes a downturn before you recognize the signs that it’s starting to tank? In the best cases, people learn the most from these situations, and use them to fuel their growth as players, lovers and partners. In the worst cases, self-doubt or blame becomes crippling to future play, or a promising relationship is poisoned by a careless transgression.

Is there any way to recover from a disastrous faux pas and regain your comfort? Absolutely! That is, if you’re willing to use the limit-breaking episode as a key lesson in your erotic education. Take Anne and Curt, for example:

Anne and Curt had been seeing each other for a few months, happily exploring fantasies of what we call “power exchange,” i.e., bondage, s/m, dominance and submission. Both had prior experience – but not of an identical type – which made them eager to try out activities that were new and a bit of a stretch for each of them. They were a great team until, in one moment of dramatic miscalculation, everything fell apart.

Curt was planning to surprise Anne with a new sensation: [[wax play|hot wax]] dribbled over her body, starting with her backside. He’d bound and blindfolded her, hoping to enhance the intensity of her excitement by blotting out distractions and amplifying her feelings of “helplessness.” But, Curt’s good intentions were lost on Anne. When the first unexpected dribble of liquid wax seared her bare bottom, she felt a hot pain so startling that, despite being tied wrists to ankles, she jettisoned her body across the room as far from Curt as she could get. “What the F—K!” she screamed, furious and sobbing.

Curt was mortified by her reaction. How could something he thought would excite her cause such terror instead? Anne was so shaken that it was a few minutes before she would even let Curt come close enough to untie her. How did this scene go so horribly wrong?

First, Curt had been careless. He had not only failed to discuss hot wax with Anne at any point in their prior negotiations, but he’d also failed to ensure that when he did use wax, it was initially merely warm – not so hot it could shock her system. Second, Anne didn’t know that she’d hate having hot wax poured on her body until Curt did it unexpectedly…and poorly. Being both blindfolded and bound increased the intensity of the experience and it also added a level of risk that, as it turned out, was probably excessive when paired with a new and precarious sensation. True, Anne might have loved both the feeling and the surprise. (Curt thought she would because his former girlfriend had.) But Anne was different than Curt’s ex – a different woman with different sensitivities and responses – and she was traumatized in a fraction of a second by a limit she didn’t know she possessed. From that point on, her willingness to trust Curt’s discretion was severely compromised – as it probably should have been.

The gift of experiences like this is that they tell you when you are moving too fast, going too far, and perhaps not paying sufficient attention to each other’s subtle signals. More accidents occur in the name of pacing than any other benign process. An unpleasant episode need not be a disaster, however, if it is seen as a call to focus on communicating in much greater detail, and to progress more slowly in areas of play where the edges are unknown.

The truth is that when you play with fire – and erotic adventures are fire – you will get burned from time to time. What happened between Anne and Curt can and will happen in various ways to everyone who is in the least bit sexually daring. Consider their story as a cautionary tale that should be factored into your every encounter. And remember that “safe, sane and consensual” is not an empty phrase, nor meant to impact only the farthest extremes of play. “Consensual” also means that anyone who plays with erotic energy should, by definition, consent to take responsibility for their part in what goes right and their part in what goes wrong.

Anne can regain her comfort zone most surely if she refuses to feel victimized by this experience and instead realizes that she could and should have put in place the kind of simple ground rules that would have prevented it, or at least ameliorated her shock. Since she hadn’t known Curt for long, it would have been wise for her to negotiate a “no surprises” rule. That is, before Curt tries something brand new, he should make sure that she is OK with it, at least in theory, and he should prepare her so that she is an involved participant. “No surprises” is, for some people, an operational necessity – for others, not so much; at least not until they are on the receiving end of a surprise they don’t like!

Curt needs to learn from his incautious preparation and reconsider his tendency to make faulty assumptions: If partner “A” likes something, surely partner “B” will, too. Not so. He’ll be a better play partner if he accepts that with new partners, baby-steps are better than giant leaps. Curt needs to promise Anne that before he adds a new twist to their play he will talk to her about what he has in mind. When someone has been scared or hurt, above all they need to feel a sense of partnership in each ensuing encounter, so that they can rebuild trust in their partner and – even more importantly – trust in their own ability to handle the emotional and physical fallout of their experiences.

Sometimes, when a scene goes bad, a confident bottom will brush it off as no big deal, while the top is scarred by the event. There are many more self-castigating tops than there are daredevil tops, and they need to be reminded that mistakes should not be grounds for relentless self-criticism. Learning to forgive yourself and move on may be one of the most precious lessons your fantasy life can teach.

Forgiving and forgetting comes most easily when you quickly operationalize the lessons of your experience. As kids, we’re told that if we fall off a bike or a horse, we need to get right back on. Well, a tumble during fantasy-play demands the same grit, whether you’re a top or bottom. Unless the activity is truly offensive, try the “bad” scene again – but do it very differently. Discuss every detail, read more about the activity, and practice it in shorter, softer bits. As a bottom, use a tier of safewords to slow things down and retain control. (“Yellow” or “mercy” is a way of saying “lighten up” without forcing the action to a halt.) Cooperate with one another. Check in often to see if your partner is OK. Remember you are not doing this just for thrills, but to replace the memory of a painful encounter with mental images of thoughtful, successful practice. And it’s fine if this doesn’t initially send you to the moon – after all, you’re just working out the kinks. In the end, the activity may be one you choose to scrap altogether, or you may find that it’s pure bliss once that all-important trust is in place again. Either way, you’ve turned an unpleasant faux pas into wisdom.

And that’s a good scene – whether or not it’s a hot one.

**About the Author:**

psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sx Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article: Dr. Davidson (c) CollarNcuffs.com

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online sexuality a place to grow

Every time there’s a new innovation in technology, people apply it to sexual expression. The printing press? Chaucer’s bawdy tales put English on the map. Photography? Brand-new “French” postcards made life in the Civil War bearable. Cars? That’s how lovers’ lanes started. Every such enhancement of sexuality appalls some observers, who predict a virulent outbreak of promiscuity and depravity that will destroy civilization. The video game now joins this distinguished history – both in its sexual applications, and in the fear these usages have inspired.

I spoke at the first annual Sex in Video Games conference in San Francisco in June. The conference covered various genres, from the poke-the-doll version played by solitary individuals, to the alternative universe version played simultaneously by hundreds of thousands of men and women. We can deride these computer games as a juvenile waste of time, but their usage is a fascinating window into human eroticism. For example, why does every large multi-player alternative reality game eventually evolve virtual prostitution? Why do so many players feel free to indulge in a wider level of sexual experimentation – and communication – than they do in “real life”?

Sooner or later, someone always worries that playing these games will seduce people into withdrawing from their real lives. While this isn’t an unreasonable concern, it frequently expresses prejudice. There is a stigma attached to online activity, negative assumptions about the activities and the players themselves. Uninformed critics – including psychotherapists – speculate about game-playing being a form of avoidance, leading to isolation, encouraging superficiality, and supporting psychological laziness. In other words, people who interact with others in online worlds are losers; instead of reading comics or shooting pool, losers now populate virtual worlds and online communities. This is a dual prejudice – about both sex and about online worlds. We could just as easily investigate how games facilitate enriched interactions, both online and in “real life.”

Assumptions that online sexuality is shallow betrays a simplistic (and rather common) view of sexuality. When asked, most adult men and women reveal that the emotional and psychological features of sexual experiences are their most compelling parts. That’s why people describe “foreplay” as more mental than physical preparation. That’s why most S/M involves words and symbols more than the application of whip to flesh. And that’s why so many people prefer lingerie to nudity – because it invites the imagination to participate in the looking. The popularity – and depth of experience – of online sexuality proves this once again. People who casually (or angrily, for some reason) condemn online sexual experiences as barren might as well pathologize people who would rather cuddle or kiss than have intercourse. Are those outercourse gourmets afraid of closeness? Anxious about performance? A more sophisticated observer might wonder, in contrast, if such people are more erotically focused, with a wider sexual vocabulary.

Many psychologists and marriage counselors are uncomfortable with “real world” sex, and even more so when the sex is online. Most professionals get virtually no training in the nuances of alternative sexuality – again, sex that honestly admits the enormous role of imagination, psychological experimentation, and self-acceptance – and so of course online sex can look barren or silly. It’s time that therapists (not to mention “morality” leaders) educated themselves about the complexity of human eroticism, rather than relying on simplistic dichotomies of “intimate and healthy” versus “perverse” or “addictive.”

If you spend a lot of time online, if some of your major relationship or sexual experiences are online, only you can decide whether your activity is more nurturing or more isolating. As in all sexual and relationship ventures, the first step is being honest with yourself.

About the Author:

Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for 25 years. He has aimed his entire career toward a single set of goals: telling the truth about sexuality, helping people feel sexually adequate & powerful, and supporting the healthy sexual expression and exploration of women and men.

Marty has written five books and over 100 articles on sexuality. His books have been acclaimed by everyone from USA Today to The California Therapist to the Playboy Advisor. He has also written and published 7 sets of training CDs for therapists. His wit and expertise make him a frequently-quoted expert appearing in Newsweek, USA Today, The New York Times, and even Ann Landers. A tireless speaker, Marty has given over 600 keynote speeches, training programs, and popular lectures to professional and lay groups across the country. He has also trained professionals in countries including Russia, Israel, Morocco, Latvia, Austria, Turkey, and Croatia.

Marty publishes Sexual Intelligence, the monthly online newsletter about culture, politics, the media, and sex. It goes to 5,000 subscribers and can be seen at www.SexualIntelligence.org. Known and respected by his colleagues, Marty has been honored by both the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality and the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists.

Article Dr. Marty Klein © CollarNcuffs.com

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Online Affairs

Are They Real? Are they wrong?

late for work, Marie stops to give her husband, Hal, a quick peck on the cheek before making a dash for her car. She climbs into the driver’s seat, slams the door, and rummages in her purse for her Blackberry, hoping a message from Robert has finally come through. Nothing. Disappointed, she turns the key in the ignition and heads to the office, but throughout her commute she keeps stealing glances at her handheld. Finally, at her desk, Marie sees Robert’s name pop up in the mailbox on her computer screen. She glances at the clock…ten minutes before her meeting and three phone calls to juggle. But she devotes half that precious time to reading and responding to Robert’s email and then entirely loses the other half in a daydream about the two of them locked in a scorching embrace. Suddenly, a wave of anxiety engulfs her. She has played this mind-movie so many times while in bed with Hal that she feels guiltier than ever.

Sounds like Marie is having a secret affair that’s already affecting her marriage, doesn’t it? But, what if I told you that Robert and Marie have never met; that their entire relationship has been conducted online? Would you consider them in a “real relationship?” Would keeping it secret be wrong?

Before we draw any conclusions, why don’t we look at this story from another point of view:

Let’s say that Hal notices that Marie is not as attentive to him or as sexually responsive as she used to be. On a whim, he starts venturing into the virtual universe, Second Life, where he encounters “BootyGirl.” After a few weeks, Hal comes to think of his Second Life interludes with BootyGirl as a small island of pleasure, a soothing connection that appeases the isolation he feels at home. BootyGirl, with her curvy avatar sheathed in skintight latex, makes him feel desirable for the first time in years – even though their sexy hook-ups take place strictly on screen and in their minds.

Do you think that Hal’s activities constitute cheating? Is he doing anything “wrong?”

All of these questions are typical of those that internet sex-experts receive are asked about relationships. Yet, none of them can or should be answered easily, for they require us to think beyond classic notions of infidelity. Philosophically, these questions ask us to dissect the make-up of emotional experience and to contemplate where a “real” relationship takes place. Does it exist solely in our ordinary reality, in the touch-and-feel dimension alone? Or can relationships arise in that dream-like place where cyberspace, mind, and emotion intersect?

Emotion and Connection in the Virtual World

Today’s wireless universe is forcing us to rethink the old assumption that intimacy must be grounded in the physical world. As our lives expand to encompass both physical and virtual space, the nature of “relationship” is changing – therefore, the meaning of “betrayal” is changing, too.

Our infatuations and our romances draw their power from the life we live inside our heads. We could think of this as the “virtual space” of our minds. Our thoughts, imagination and memories can spark physiological and emotional responses that are as potent and “real” within our psyches and bodies as the caress of a lover’s hand, the timbre of his voice, the scent of her skin. An email conversation or a connection made in the multi-player gaming world may become as compelling as one made over cocktails or on the basketball court. Think of Marie’s anticipation over receiving an email from Robert; the distraction posed by her thoughts about him, her hopefulness…her guilt. Or ask yourself: would a rejection by an online friend that you’ve come to depend upon for advice and support feel painless just because that person’s “shoulder to cry on” is virtual?

All our relationships exist, to a vast degree, in our psyches. If intimacies that we develop in the cyber-universe and those we encounter in the tactile world all play out in the same “head-space” – if they can produce similar flights of fantasy and emotion – then, distinguishing an affair that ignites in Second Life from one that begins at the cozy inn down the road becomes increasingly difficult.

Further, the internet encourages us to stretch our sense of identity beyond the scope of our physical boundaries: we invest our attention in the varied onscreen windows that become our daily vistas, and we may develop multiple, parallel onscreen lives with separate names, personalities, even genders and ages. While this process does a great job of giving us new freedoms, it does a much poorer job of protecting our key face-to-face relationships from outside invasion. Online worlds and alter egos can filter into our ordinary lives quite easily – partly due to the boom in what MIT cyber-researcher, Sherry Turkle, calls our “always on/always on you” device culture.

Affairs in Our Wired Culture

To the extent that we are tethered to our cell phones, laptops and PDAs when we are out in public, we transform our public spaces into private enclaves. In airports, cafes, classes and meetings we can submerge ourselves in media bubbles, barely disturbed by others in proximity. Because these devices provide open channels to the world even when we are in our private domains, anyone from the outside can intrude almost at will upon our time and space, turning the private into the public. A husband can type explicit sexual messages to an online sweetheart while watching TV with the family. His wife can check her inbox for romantic email from her online crush while the kids are IM-ing their MySpace-buddies located halfway across the globe. With the once cherished demarcation between public space and private space irredeemably blurred, someone having an affair need not utter those classic words, “don’t call me at home.” Now, he can quietly inject his new amour into the family 24/7, with no one else the wiser.

Most therapists – actually, most people – agree that an illicit romance always jeopardizes a long-term relationship. Even if the affair is conducted discreetly, even if the lovers rarely see one another, the emotions that are conjured up by an affair can upset the delicate balance of focus, attention and affection needed to sustain a primary, long-term commitment. Recognizing that intimacy is perceived largely by the psyche explains why even an exclusively virtual affair can have so much power. The mind is, itself, a virtual world; one that the cyber-dimension mimics to a greater extent than it departs from. Absorption with a lover in these two virtual domains can be like the hard-hitting “one-two punch” that delivers a knock out blow. The online relationship that began as a “meaningless” adventure can seep into one’s psych and take possession of one’s heart.

Emotional Affairs vs. Sexual Affairs

In real life, with so much time spent at work among attractive, stimulating colleagues, emotionally intense (but nonsexual) relationships that arise between collaborators can seem more compelling than routine intimacies that include sex. Experts tag these “emotional affairs,” agreeing that they can endanger marriages because, at the very least, they siphon energy and communication away from the marriage and toward the “outsider.” At worst, these can lead to physical affairs or produce cruel fractures of trust. In fact, many people say that if their partner were to become emotionally unfaithful they’d feel even more ripped-off than if he or she had a sexy fling. Giving of one’s deepest self is viewed as a greater take-away than lending one’s genitals.

Popular magazines have recently devoted precious real estate to these emotional liaisons – take, for example, Marie Claire’s sensationalized headline, HEAD SEX: The Dangerous New Infidelity You Need To Know About. Ironically, “head sex” is exactly what drives virtual-life flirtations. Strange as it may seem to those who have never been tangled in the web, cyber-romances encourage the deepest intimate revelations and draw upon all the classic elements of drama to keep infatuation alive.

Online Affairs: Right or Wrong?

In the final analysis, there is no doubt that online affairs are meaningful; that they count. But are they wrong? This question misses the mark. Instead, we should be asking whether an online relationship is secret; whether it detracts from the closeness, shared time, trust and openness necessary for a primary relationship to thrive.

If it does, it’s trouble.

In partnerships or marriages where secrets and lies abound, stability and even love can be lost because those with secrets stop trusting themselves. It takes only one person to create distance for two, and only one to alter the essence and durability of a marriage. For all these reasons, online hook-ups need to be entertained with great caution. Better yet, they should be recognized for what they actually are: completely real and potentially life-changing affairs.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Joy Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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Negotiating Racial and Ethnic Differences Online

Online and off, we all try to put our best foot forward, emphasizing our good traits and downplaying the ones we consider less desirable. Different from face-to-face meetings, online we each decide what to disclose and what to keep to ourselves. Even with pics and cams, there is room to choose how to portray yourself to someone who can’t see you in real time until you’re ready to show them.

People naturally display flattering pictures of themselves (sometimes younger – less wrinkled, more hair, thinner), use backdrops, clothing color and even Photoshop to maximize skin tones, and crop and alter on their own behalf. In text, the many synonyms for attractive are commonplace online – good-looking, easy-on-the-eyes, hot, eye-catching, etc. You may also hear about wealth, profession and other traits considered desirable, including “whiteness.” The culture of personal ads seems to reflect the racial hierarchy offline – with people either preferring partners of their same race and ethnicity or someone white.

A 2003 study of personal ads on Yahoo! found that Black, Latino and Asian men were more likely to express a race preference for a partner than White men. Men looking for male partners were more likely to express their race preferences than men looking for female partners. Gay Black and Latino men were less likely to have a race preference than Asian or White gay men.

Whether a person mentions his preference of race for a potential partner in an online profile reflects his own sensitivity to race and ethnicity. You could argue that people who don’t mention race are actually race-blind in their selection of partners. But it may also be that they don’t understand racial dynamics and politics. Whether a person advertises “all races welcome” or “African-American woman preferred,” if he mentions race and ethnicity, he is someone who is aware that skin color has an effect on the development of intimate relationships in our society.

In the gay community, there is a strong feeling among black men in particular that they are subject to sexual objectification online. Men who look for black men online are typically expecting a well-endowed “bottom” (the receiver during anal sex). Some say this reeks of the times of slavery and racism. Preferences of other racial and ethnic minorities, gay or straight, may also be tinged with stereotypes – a docile, exotic Asian person; a passionate, fiery Latino partner, etc.

What does this mean for you? It means that you have more options online to be clear about who you find desirable, and more opportunities to meet the object of your desire. But it also means you have more opportunities to potentially continue existing cultural stereotypes of people based on their looks, backgrounds and how much they earn.

I’d suggest working to change those stereotypes, through virtual words and actions. Be aware of the luxury of being able to find your fantasy-mate online – but also be aware that behind that fantasy lives a real, living, breathing, complex person.

About the Author:

Deb Levine, M.A. is a health and sex educator in Oakland, California. She has been an online advice columnist for more than 10 years, first as Alice of Columbia University’s award-winning Go Ask Alice website and then as Delilah for the Oxygen network. She has appeared on E!, The O’Reilly Factor, and NBC Nightly News, among other national and local shows. She has been quoted in such magazines as Cosmo, Mademoiselle, Maxim, and Men’s Health. Deb has authored “The Joy of Cybersex: A Guide for Creative Lovers.” (New York: Ballantine Books, 1998), “Virtual Attraction: What Rocks Your Boat.” CyberPsychology & Behavior, Special Issue on Sexuality and the Internet (2000), and “Breaking Through Barriers: Wilderness Therapy for Sexual Assault Survivors.” Women & Therapy (1994).

She was responsible for supervising Thrive Online’s interactive programming devoted to healthy living in the areas of nutrition, fitness, sexuality, and general health. She has developed sexual-health content for a dual platform site on AOL and the Web. She has also participated in HIV prevention, sexual assault, nutrition, body image, conflict resolution, and self-esteem programming for students, staff and faculty.

Article by Deb Levine, M.A. © CollarNcuffs.com

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Love At First Site

Match-making has come of age. In 2001 online dating was a mere $40-million industry. By 2008, revenues are expected to exceed $600 million. While hundreds of firms are vying for a slice of that big mouth-watering pie, anticipation is flying highest among the eager online daters turning to the industry for love, not money.

If you’re single today you’ve probably cruised at least a few internet dating profiles. Why not look at our community. Maybe you have friends who found their soul mate online. In 2006, a study of internet users revealed that 3% of people in married or long-term committed relationships had met their partners online – that’s equal to 3 million people. Among a group of 4400 cyber-daters in eight different countries, a whopping 25% found their life partner in cyberspace. Even more eye-popping is the figure released by Match.com – the largest online dating site in the world – showing that 11% of people who married after hooking up with a Match.com member say they knew they were in love prior to ever meeting their spouse face to face. The email contact and subsequent phone calls sealed the deal before a handshake even entered the picture. Undoubtedly, that 11% were lucky to have happy endings to their dating adventure. But surveys don’t tell us how many others have tumbled head over heels online, only to freefall disastrously after setting eyes on their supposed perfect mate.

Despite the successes, heartbreaking stories abound. Take Tracy and Dell, who had spent months emailing and phoning between Philadelphia and San Jose, where Dell was planning to move when her company promoted her. They each thought that they’d met the love of their life – until the day Dell’s Rabbit pulled up in front of Tracy’s house, heaped with her belongings, and Tracy wanted nothing more than for Dell to hop away on the spot.

“I hated the way she walked, the way she smelled, the way her nose nearly touched her upper lip when she smiled, ” said Tracy. “I couldn’t get past all those physical turn offs that never showed up in her photos. It wasn’t just a matter of no chemistry; it was BAD chemistry!” Dell was equally unimpressed with Tracy, whose home was her idea of hell. Not one piece of furniture matched, Dell complained, and the place hadn’t been thoroughly cleaned in a year. Dell was so “grossed out” she did, in fact, hippity hop to the nearest motel.

Tracy and Dell’s situation was extreme, but not uncommon. That feeling of “Uh oh…this is nothing like what I thought it would be,” can be the first sign of trouble and, sometimes, all that’s needed to send a partner running as fast as if a skunk had let loose in the living room. But the signs aren’t always so obvious. The absence of strong sexual or emotional connection may be an early concern that couples hope they can remedy over time, but the burning question lingers: “wasn’t all that keyboard chemistry for real?

For another couple, Zina and Michael, the online connection seemed more real than anything either had known in the past. But when they met…poof went the bubble! “Even our kissing styles were mismatched,” noted Zina, who found Michael awkward and utterly inexperienced at carrying off the sexual games he’d described in his long steamy missives. On the heels of such a build-up the letdown was crushing. Zina found herself taking a poll of her friends, asking everyone if chemistry could be kindled even if not evident to start with. And isn’t that the ultimate question for everyone whose love affair sparkled from afar, but turned grimy on close-up? How can online daters be so terribly wrong about their Mr. or Ms. Right?

Online dating always forces a collision between “fantasy” and “chemistry.” Email communiqués allow us to be the best self we’re capable of being, if only part-time. Email can showcase our smoothness, our humor, our charm, our sensitivity. We can edit and re-edit every line until it’s just right! Moving from email to phone brings us closer to the real realm, where voice quality, tone, inflection, grammar, and confidence, can be read more exactly. Yet much still remains hidden – the visual, the chemical, the impact of face to face interactions and the anxieties it provokes.

Falling in love without sight – or touch, or scent – handicaps us and forces us to transform our love object into a “compilation” person. We cut and paste scraps of truth, ideals, hopes, acts, inferences, and fantasies between the lines of text or the onscreen pixels, altering them until their resemblance to the person on whom they’re modeled is vague at best. Being in thrall to the dream of love, we may fail to grasp the implausibility of someone turning up on our doorstep as an exact replica of the collage we’ve been relating to. Meeting them – replete with “extras” like bad skin, garlic breath, encumbered finances, and dad in the spare room – can feel like being doused with a bucket of ice water. But don’t despair! You can still make choices that increase your chances of being one of the lucky 25%, and let you to play online dating roulette with far better odds of winning. Here’s how:

Get Off Quickly!

Off-line, that is. The need for a payoff, and the agony of disappointment, exponentially increase with the amount of time invested in an online relationship. Rather than develop your relationship online, go only as far as you must to ensure that you both fit each other’s “essential” criteria and feel safe meeting for the first time in public.

First Date: Assess “Baseline” Chemistry

Think of “chemistry” as having two dimensions: a baseline level and a deep level. You can assess baseline easily. Ask yourself: is your date pleasing to look at. Do you like the sound of his/her voice? Grooming good? Does ANYTHING gross you out or give you the heebie jeebies? Your answers should be yes, yes, yes, no – in that order. If your answers differ, don’t date them. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been relating online for a year or a day – you’re finished. The odds of discovering deep chemistry if these baselines are not met is probably a million to one.

Opt In For a Two Date Minimum

If the chemistry of attraction is operating at baseline, give yourself two dates to discover more. Even if your chemistry is palpable and penetrating from the get-go, you do know that sex isn’t everything – right? So, give yourself those two dates to discover whether your take on life, your values, your sense about the future, your way of moving through the world is potentially compatible before escalating chemically. Especially if the attraction is red hot, avoid overemphasizing sex so that you can keep your head clear enough to weigh other factors. On the other hand, if all you have is baseline chemistry, and don’t feel any more magnetism building after two dates, call it off – unless you are so well matched in life-style and values that you can’t fathom letting go so soon. In that case, go to the next step.

Follow the Three Strikes Rule

I could describe case after case of couples who felt they had “so much in common” or were “twins separated at birth” – but had no sign of the flammable chemistry that underlies a lasting romance. Nevertheless, because of their easy familiarity and genuine regard for one another, they chose to pursue a relationship and trusted that the chemistry would grow. Fast forward five or ten years and there they were, two very uncertain people in my consulting room, hoping to at last stoke the flames of passion, and praying their only options weren’t self-denial or divorce. So, trust me when I tell you that if you care deeply about having passion and romance in your life, if you care about building chemistry, you should give yourself a total of ONLY THREE more dates (note: this makes a grand-slam total of five dates, maximum) to get some sparks flying together. If you haven’t lifted off after the third date, it’s unlikely you’ll ever get of the ground. Either split now, before you get stuck – or enjoy your tame relationships while actively searching for your big romance.

For Long Distance Daters

If you don’t live within a reasonable driving distance of a dating prospect, you face extra obstacles, and should keep these points in mind.

Use Skype or video-chat soon after initiating telephone contact. Conversing with video isn’t quite the same as being right there, but it’s better than flying blind. Many of the qualities that you uncover face to face are also accessible through video: body language, eye contact, vocal tone, grooming – not to mention, realistic impressions of current age and weight. If you can’t arrange to meet within a short span of time, slow down the phone/video contact so that you aren’t over-investing in someone who could still fail the big test.

In the final analysis, falling in love online may be as easy as projecting all of your fantasies and ideals onto someone else’s canvas – but facing reality is much harder, and staying in love is tougher still. However, if statistics don’t lie, then some 300,000 people have fallen in love with a stranger…and their romance has lived on to tell the tale.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade. Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article: Dr.Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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Exploring Fantasy

Exploring Sexual Fantasy for Couples: Using the Internet as Training Wheels

In the early days of a relationship, new love and fresh passion can be enough to drive a sexual relationship into the stratosphere. Over time, however, sexual routines can sap the energy of once vibrant love affairs, and couples recognize the need to expand their sexual horizons. Unfortunately, the action often stalls at the “now what?” stage. A key question hovers: How do we undertake this journey without getting lost along the way?

The short answer is: Travel slowly. Don’t hop on a racing bike….get an ordinary bike and, better yet, start with training wheels. Remember when you first learned to ride a bicycle? Didn’t you have little training wheels on the back for balance until you could steady yourself? Well, when a couple launches a sexual adventure, there’s no better set of “training wheels” than the internet. Let’s look at three ways that the internet can provide balance and stability as you set out on your erotic journey.

The Internet as Virtual Professor

Educational sites like CollarNcuffs display the questions other people ask in the Community Forum, which can reassure you that yours are reasonable and probably a lot less unusual than you might have imagined. Reading answers and articles aloud to your partner and watching educational videos together can be an entertaining way to open up discussions about delicate subjects, as well as pique your curiosity about new ideas. In fact, one of the smoothest ways to bring up a sensitive sexual issue – maybe one you have been wanting to address, but were afraid to – is to find a pertinent article or video on your own and then randomly “stumble” across it when you and your honey are perusing the net together: “Oh look, this one seems interesting!”

Some educational videos offer “show and tell,” too, incorporating erotic images that match visual titillation with pertinent information. These might provide the added boost you need to turn the spark of an idea into a thrilling experiment.

With the advent of streaming video, you can snuggle up with your laptop and enjoy purely entertaining erotic content, too. These films serve an important purpose – so don’t dismiss them as “mere” erotica. For example, if you’ve both expressed interest in something new – anal play sex, for example – but have found that just reading how-to material failed to jump-start your exploration, a hot, explicit anal video might be just the visual aid you need to stop “over-thinking” or quell anxiety. Of course, you’ll want to overlay everything you’ve read about safety onto the sizzling visuals, too. Erotic films can be high on voltage, but they may ignore critical realities, so you usually need to rely on other sources for the factual low-down.

The Internet as Fantasy Library

If you feel that your fantasy repertoire has grown stale, browsing the internet can expose you to fresh variations that you might not conjure up on your own. Exploration as a couple might be just the spice your sex life needs.

However, what about people who have never fantasized before? Some of us were taught that sexual thoughts are “dirty” and that fantasies are forbidden territory. How do we begin to fantasize if we have no reference point for it? We can borrow fantasies! Borrowed scenes can be just as exciting as those we create out of the ethers, and the internet is the perfect lending library. The erotic images you are drawn to again and again quickly become “yours.” This is really no different than renting a Hollywood DVD, sitting back, and letting the images wash over you – something you already know how to do very well.

If you’re new to sexual fantasy, it’s often wise to explore internet-based erotic material on your own – then share what you’ve discovered with your partner. Read stories, view photos, watch films – and be bold. As you wander, pay attention to whatever snares your attention or makes you tingle. The trick, of course, is in allowing yourself to react authentically, rather than letting your internal censor or fear of your partner’s judgment impede your responsiveness.

When you explore as a couple, you’ll find that meandering through the internet’s millions of images helps you gain a sense of the farthest reaches of each other’s response zones – those extreme edges where desire and uncertainty mingle deliciously – as well ad the “no go” places to steer clear of. The only real danger in this kind of openness lies in pretending you aren’t intrigued by a sexually explicit or unconventionally erotic image, when in fact you are – or in letting anxiety give way to negative remarks about a partner’s turn-on, provoking his or her shame and subsequent distancing. To avoid these pitfalls, be gentle with yourself and your loved one, even if he or she reveals a notion that startles you. Remember that arousal doesn’t demand follow through or imply a willingness to replicate a fantasy scene in real life. The beauty of fantasy is that boundaries are implicit; strictly within a fantasy universe, anything is possible.

The Internet as Virtual Matchmaker

Many couples are attracted to the idea of sex with a third person or another couple, but feel that acting on that urge is unwise. If fantasy beckons, but wisdom restrains, the internet’s “training wheels” provide safety.

Let’s say you’re a couple attracted to bringing another woman into the bedroom but you aren’t too keen on the risks of a real-life experiment. A web cam session with a chat host might be the perfect alternative. Building up anticipation in the process of choosing a host and sharing your thoughts about who each of you is attracted to can be a turn-on in itself. Once you’ve selected a partner, if you have a web cam, too, you can see each other and relate through verbal seduction and suggestion; you can even mirror each other’s self-touch. One couple that traveled on business set up “conference” cams with their chathost while both were in different cities. Their three-way-cam scene was just one of many strong efforts to sustain eroticism even while apart. Another couple allowed their chathost to instruct them in unique sexual variations, and by following her guidance the couple learned ecstatically pleasing new techniques. More can found on this idea HERE in our resource section

Another option involves virtual communities like Second Life where an animated representation of a user – called an avatar – can have sexual encounters with other users’ avatars. If you and your partner have been curious about, say, s/m or bondage, you could explore bdsm virtually, where you can immerse yourselves in the psychological dimension, minus real pain or restraint. Or if one of you is more intrigued than the other, your avatar can practice your skills on other avatars – rather than on your partner. I know of one woman who was not in the least interested in playing “bottom” to her girlfriend’s clumsy attempts at dominance until she saw her in action after a few months of practice with other avatars. “So that’s what you do now?” she asked, awestruck. “You’re like a different person! You’re so sexy!” She could have won a prize for the world’s most laughably backhanded compliment, but her uncensored glee led to brand new real-time adventures and a happy-ever-after outcome for both of them. Possibilities abound in the cyber-dimension, where you can gain the benefits of erotic interludes with others – and push taboo far enough to be exciting – while never actually straining fidelity.

About the Author: A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

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