Tag: finding partners

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The Art of Flirting Online

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker: How to Transition from Online Femdom To Real Time I hear some version of this sad story nearly every day:

Online we were so good, so hot, it was easy to talk to and tease each other. I thought it would be just as good when we met, but instead it felt so awkward. We never recovered from that, and our online thing just petered out.

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker Interested in Femdom: How to Transition from Online To Real Time

Even if you’re sporting a well-developed persona online, it won’t necessarily transfer to RL Femdom practices. The reasons are varied, but the most important has to do with the fact that you are so much more relaxed and attentive behind the monitor. Your brain isn’t over-flowing with worries like “what does he think of me?” or “does she think I’m as phat as I think she is?” The boundary between cyber and RL is getting slimmer every day, but it’s still thick enough for cyberplay to continue being more protective of our egos than RL. In a relaxed and uninhibited state, it’s much easier to flirt. You can be fearless! And that’s the key right there. In real life, you become more of whoever you are when you’re afraid. That is, if you tend to be tongue-tied when afraid, or if you get overly talkative or more aggressive and confrontational, those qualities come to the forefront, hiding some of your most desirable aspects. In fact, they hide the very qualities that come across so well online.

To make matters worse, fear impedes your ability to control your body talk. When anxious, all your little quirks are exaggerated, and your capacity for strategy goes out the window. That may be your most serious handicap, because seductive body language is the secret to winning the game-set portion of any RL match.

Eighty percent of a first impression rests on how you move, stand, make eye contact, and express your interest nonverbally. Very little of the first impression comes from what you say. The tone of your voice – that is, the sound and cadence of it, not the words themselves – also weighs in. If your voice is weak and shallow, if your body is pulled back and stiff, or hyperactive and fidgety, you can blow things at hello. Why is this particularly important for social networkers to know? Your relationships online are based almost entirely on language use and its impact upon perception. You come alive to others through the words you use. Your body language, which could probably be best described as “slumped over the keyboard,” has little to do with the impression you make. Flirting in real life means honing a communication style in which social networkers tend to be least fluent. The anxiety and awkwardness you feel in RL is understandably a reflection of lack of comfort with your body and insufficient practice using it as your communicator.

Of course, the smarts that you play with online are as valuable in RL as anywhere in cyberspace – they just aren’t usually the meat of a first impression, nor are they sufficient to give you confidence as a bona fide flirt. To become comfortable in RL, new learning can’t develop inside your head or through an avatar; it requires actual practice. In that respect, flirting is a lot like dancing. You need to release fear and relax your body, while simultaneously paying attention to your movements. Yes, “relax and concentrate” sounds almost paradoxical – which is why, like dancing, flirting has to be practiced. You can’t head-trip your way to a successful flirting style – you have to do the physical deed over and over again until your body owns the experience.

Here are suggestions for flirt-worthy moves that you can practice daily with almost anybody.

After you’ve mastered them, you’ll feel more confident and in charge of yourself when approaching someone whose response truly matters.

  • 1) Sit and stand straight; move with confidence. Proper posture really does matter a lot! Watch some of your favorite actors move with easy grace on screen and follow their lead. Don’t swivel or swagger; don’t over-do; just relax and move like you’re perfectly happy to share your billions of dollars and even greater wealth of heart. Remember that when you meet someone, the way you silently enter the room and sit down will be your first impression, and this can carry more weight than anything you do with your mouth open over the subsequent hour.
  • 2) Use your eyes to connect. The more intimate you want to be with someone, the broader your “zone of attention” can be. In business, you want to look primarily at the upper face as you “meet their eyes.” This term is a bit misleading though, because you don’t want to stare straight into someone’s eyes at all. Rather, shift your focus from eye to eye or take in their eyes and whole face simultaneously. When you are intimately interested in someone your zone of attention can become more encompassing, often taking in the most alluring bits: chest, shoulders, lips. Watching someone’s lips as they talk can be flirtatious and signal you are thinking thoughts about their mouth that go far beyond speech. In any social situation, though, you want to be looking at the person you’re talking with – never down at your hands, at the floor, over their shoulder, or around the room. This takes lots of practice, especially for social networkers who are adept multi-taskers. If your attention wanders easily to the newest incoming stimulus, you’ll need to put a strong rein on this habit.
  • 3) Shift your body subtly in the direction of the other person, as if they are the sun and you are a vine that grows toward the light. For instance, lean forward a little as the other person speaks; angle your body in their direction rather than away; cross your leg so that your toe is pointing at them.
  • 4) Mirror: Watch the other person’s body language and mirror their positive moves. If they take a sip of their drink and then lean forward, wait a moment and do something similar – but not necessarily an exact imitation. If they cross their leg in your direction, wait 40-60 seconds and do the same. Yes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In this case, you’re saying, “I like you” with your gestures and forming an unspoken connection.
  • 5) To increase the intensity of flirtation, use touch. As you’re speaking, emphasize a point by lightly touching the other’s arm or knee. Lean in when you’re laughing and touch them as if to underscore the joke. This will suggest a certain intimacy (unless it suggests drunkenness!) and might even be viewed as a come-on, so be judicious here. You don’t want to do this in business or with someone you aren’t interested in pursuing, unless you are close friends and touch comes naturally.
  • 6) Match your body talk and vocal tone. Again, pay attention to your favorite actors and actresses in roles where they seem to be flirting. Notice how body and the voice compliment one another. Watch a scene depicting flirtation in a foreign film, then turn off the subtitles (DVDs usually let you do this in set-up). Notice how vocal inflections and conversational melodies work with body language to signal sexual interest, even in the absence of understandable dialog. This just goes to show how little the actual words matter – quite unlike the online experience, where words transmit 98% of the message.
  • 7) If you’re a woman, touch yourself. (No…not like that!) Capturing someone’s attention can be as simple as imagining that you feel a cool breeze or a tickle on your skin and are “unconsciously” reacting by mirroring the sensation with your fingers. Practice running fingertips across your throat or the top of your chest; drag them over your shoulder and down the side of your arm. These moves can send an “innocently” sensual signal. You’ll want to save this tactic for when you’re deep into a conversation and avoid doing it more than once or twice. Like the act of sensually applying lipstick while someone watches – a no-no in polite company but ultra come-hither when flirting – self-touch can be a powerful move. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t want to pull the trigger on the big guns of flirtation unless you’re hankering for return fire.

Start practicing the art of body talk in situations where the outcome isn’t terribly important, and you’ll be surprised how soon these moves become second nature. Then your confidence will soar, along with your fluency as a RL flirt!

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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Love At First Site

Table of Contents

Match-making has come of age. In 2001 online dating was a mere $40-million industry. By 2008, revenues are expected to exceed $600 million. While hundreds of firms are vying for a slice of that big mouth-watering pie, anticipation is flying highest among the eager online daters turning to the industry for love, not money.

silhouette of hugging couple

If you’re single today you’ve probably cruised at least a few internet dating profiles. Why not look at our community. Maybe you have friends who found their soul mate online. In 2006, a study of internet users revealed that 3% of people in married or long-term committed relationships had met their partners online – that’s equal to 3 million people. Among a group of 4400 cyber-daters in eight different countries, a whopping 25% found their life partner in cyberspace. Even more eye-popping is the figure released by Match.com – the largest online dating site in the world – showing that 11% of people who married after hooking up with a Match.com member say they knew they were in love prior to ever meeting their spouse face to face. The email contact and subsequent phone calls sealed the deal before a handshake even entered the picture. Undoubtedly, that 11% were lucky to have happy endings to their dating adventure. But surveys don’t tell us how many others have tumbled head over heels online, only to freefall disastrously after setting eyes on their supposed perfect mate.

Despite the successes, heartbreaking stories abound. Take Tracy and Dell, who had spent months emailing and phoning between Philadelphia and San Jose, where Dell was planning to move when her company promoted her. They each thought that they’d met the love of their life – until the day Dell’s Rabbit pulled up in front of Tracy’s house, heaped with her belongings, and Tracy wanted nothing more than for Dell to hop away on the spot.

“I hated the way she walked, the way she smelled, the way her nose nearly touched her upper lip when she smiled, ” said Tracy. “I couldn’t get past all those physical turn offs that never showed up in her photos. It wasn’t just a matter of no chemistry; it was BAD chemistry!” Dell was equally unimpressed with Tracy, whose home was her idea of hell. Not one piece of furniture matched, Dell complained, and the place hadn’t been thoroughly cleaned in a year. Dell was so “grossed out” she did, in fact, hippity hop to the nearest motel.

Tracy and Dell’s situation was extreme, but not uncommon. That feeling of “Uh oh…this is nothing like what I thought it would be,” can be the first sign of trouble and, sometimes, all that’s needed to send a partner running as fast as if a skunk had let loose in the living room. But the signs aren’t always so obvious. The absence of strong sexual or emotional connection may be an early concern that couples hope they can remedy over time, but the burning question lingers: “wasn’t all that keyboard chemistry for real?

For another couple, Zina and Michael, the online connection seemed more real than anything either had known in the past. But when they met…poof went the bubble! “Even our kissing styles were mismatched,” noted Zina, who found Michael awkward and utterly inexperienced at carrying off the sexual games he’d described in his long steamy missives. On the heels of such a build-up the letdown was crushing. Zina found herself taking a poll of her friends, asking everyone if chemistry could be kindled even if not evident to start with. And isn’t that the ultimate question for everyone whose love affair sparkled from afar, but turned grimy on close-up? How can online daters be so terribly wrong about their Mr. or Ms. Right?

Online dating always forces a collision between “fantasy” and “chemistry.” Email communiqués allow us to be the best self we’re capable of being, if only part-time. Email can showcase our smoothness, our humor, our charm, our sensitivity. We can edit and re-edit every line until it’s just right! Moving from email to phone brings us closer to the real realm, where voice quality, tone, inflection, grammar, and confidence, can be read more exactly. Yet much still remains hidden – the visual, the chemical, the impact of face to face interactions and the anxieties it provokes.

Falling in love without sight – or touch, or scent – handicaps us and forces us to transform our love object into a “compilation” person. We cut and paste scraps of truth, ideals, hopes, acts, inferences, and fantasies between the lines of text or the onscreen pixels, altering them until their resemblance to the person on whom they’re modeled is vague at best. Being in thrall to the dream of love, we may fail to grasp the implausibility of someone turning up on our doorstep as an exact replica of the collage we’ve been relating to. Meeting them – replete with “extras” like bad skin, garlic breath, encumbered finances, and dad in the spare room – can feel like being doused with a bucket of ice water. But don’t despair! You can still make choices that increase your chances of being one of the lucky 25%, and let you to play online dating roulette with far better odds of winning. Here’s how:

Get Off Quickly!

Off-line, that is. The need for a payoff, and the agony of disappointment, exponentially increase with the amount of time invested in an online relationship. Rather than develop your relationship online, go only as far as you must to ensure that you both fit each other’s “essential” criteria and feel safe meeting for the first time in public.

First Date: Assess “Baseline” Chemistry

Think of “chemistry” as having two dimensions: a baseline level and a deep level. You can assess baseline easily. Ask yourself: is your date pleasing to look at. Do you like the sound of his/her voice? Grooming good? Does ANYTHING gross you out or give you the heebie jeebies? Your answers should be yes, yes, yes, no – in that order. If your answers differ, don’t date them. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been relating online for a year or a day – you’re finished. The odds of discovering deep chemistry if these baselines are not met is probably a million to one.

Opt In For a Two Date Minimum

If the chemistry of attraction is operating at baseline, give yourself two dates to discover more. Even if your chemistry is palpable and penetrating from the get-go, you do know that sex isn’t everything – right? So, give yourself those two dates to discover whether your take on life, your values, your sense about the future, your way of moving through the world is potentially compatible before escalating chemically. Especially if the attraction is red hot, avoid overemphasizing sex so that you can keep your head clear enough to weigh other factors. On the other hand, if all you have is baseline chemistry, and don’t feel any more magnetism building after two dates, call it off – unless you are so well matched in life-style and values that you can’t fathom letting go so soon. In that case, go to the next step.

Follow the Three Strikes Rule

I could describe case after case of couples who felt they had “so much in common” or were “twins separated at birth” – but had no sign of the flammable chemistry that underlies a lasting romance. Nevertheless, because of their easy familiarity and genuine regard for one another, they chose to pursue a relationship and trusted that the chemistry would grow. Fast forward five or ten years and there they were, two very uncertain people in my consulting room, hoping to at last stoke the flames of passion, and praying their only options weren’t self-denial or divorce. So, trust me when I tell you that if you care deeply about having passion and romance in your life, if you care about building chemistry, you should give yourself a total of ONLY THREE more dates (note: this makes a grand-slam total of five dates, maximum) to get some sparks flying together. If you haven’t lifted off after the third date, it’s unlikely you’ll ever get of the ground. Either split now, before you get stuck – or enjoy your tame relationships while actively searching for your big romance.

For Long Distance Daters

If you don’t live within a reasonable driving distance of a dating prospect, you face extra obstacles, and should keep these points in mind.

Use Skype or video-chat soon after initiating telephone contact. Conversing with video isn’t quite the same as being right there, but it’s better than flying blind. Many of the qualities that you uncover face to face are also accessible through video: body language, eye contact, vocal tone, grooming – not to mention, realistic impressions of current age and weight. If you can’t arrange to meet within a short span of time, slow down the phone/video contact so that you aren’t over-investing in someone who could still fail the big test.

In the final analysis, falling in love online may be as easy as projecting all of your fantasies and ideals onto someone else’s canvas – but facing reality is much harder, and staying in love is tougher still. However, if statistics don’t lie, then some 300,000 people have fallen in love with a stranger…and their romance has lived on to tell the tale.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade. Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article: Dr.Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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Finding a Domme

FINDING MISS RIGHT! Not miss right now

UPDATE 2022: Please note our community contains a more in-depth collection of articles and resources in our Free Program, “Help me, find my Domme.

Are you looking for a magic spell or potion a unique formula that will guarantee you a Mistress you want? Well, there isn’t any . Not really…

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you must start at the beginning. Just as you would in the vanilla world First you sit down and identify who you are as a person. By this I mean your viewpoints on morality, spirituality, ethics politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and your sense of humor. Yes!!! It all counts After all is said and done its who you are as a person These fundamental facets count the most. Too many people look through rose colored glasses, looking for the D/s facet instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that equals or matches you. This is critical. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using signs or safe words, wanting only to appease their Domme. So, it is a good idea to ‘match’ with the same limits as your Domme from the beginning. In addition, if you are a McDonalds burger person, you may have trouble eating caviar and drinking champus every day of the week- be real and honest with yourself!

Yes. Domme’s have limits. They have the same mental processes as all humans. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking a Domme who matches you then you reduce the potentials of limits violations. So, you have your list . . . What to do now? Since you are probably reading this via the wonders of the internet Now use your computer to conduct a search (yes that’s right if good for something other than porn LOL) . You can do so by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Domme, Mistress. Then type in your local area. Some good place to conduct searches are Collarncuffs forum, Collarme.com, Alt.com, Bondage.com . It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 3 hour drive from your permanent residence. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics, they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems which are much less common ‘within’ your local area. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that could have possibilities. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter (please note this means NO naked photos if a Domme asks for naked pics she is more than likely interested in a playmate than a person). In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually all countries have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. You could also addressed this in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Attend a few local social events (I am not talking play parties or open dungeons but demo’s and workshops !).

By limiting your search to your local vicinity you increase the potential of finding a life partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber chats and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to ‘prevent’ the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement’s without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. If you find you are constantly finding Miss Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When you contacting a potential partner/Domme in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to ‘appear’ just right when they really are not. Keep your email courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. (The things on your list). If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Honorific titles are earned – not given by typing in a screen name or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time – consistent actions and behavior becoming to the individual. To me this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.

Next I recommend a fairly quick meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with No plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the sub they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered within the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)

If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your risks are much higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time that children have no reason to question!

Each of these things present you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.

Having said all this I do wish to add that some long distance relationships can and do work. if you are familiar with our forum on Collarncuffs you will know, to whom I am referring too. But I think even he will agree, it has been a long hard haul to the road of happiness…and his hard work has paid off…and we here at Collarncuffs wish him every happiness and a smooth journey forward for him and his Wife/Domme.

article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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Seeking professional Dommes

UPDATE 2024: Please note our community contains a more in-depth article contained within our FREE program “Femdom 101” for those new and starting out.

We here at Collarncuffs are often asked how do I know if she’s the right Prodomme for me, how do I find a Prodomme, what will she do to me, MissBitch has graciously supplied some answers on how to make your session a smooth success.

Whether you are a nervous jittery novice contemplating your first time experience, or a weekly visitor at your local house of Domination, this article will teach you, how to find the ProDomina of your dreams and how not to be Her nightmare. My conversations with numerous Mistresses over the years have revealed common experiences and preferences in regards to the conduct and procedure for booking appointments.

Below I outline crucial advice for submissives seeking a session with a ProDomme.

Table of Contents

List your fetishes.

Make a list of the your likes/dislikes. Pay attention to your fantasies, if you fantasize about a certain fetish frequently ­ usually you will enjoy it in session.

Prioritize your list into things that you

  • a) know you like,
  • b) are willing to try, and
  • c) do not want to do.

Don’t leave anything out because you are embarrassed or scared thinking the Mistress will lose respect for you. These mistakes will only keep you from realizing your true fantasies.

Determine your limits.

Go back over your list. Estimate your threshold for each activity by comparing it to prior experiences with intense sensations that you found erotic (or past S/M scenes). Realistically evaluate whether you want light, medium or heavy play in each area of interest. Remember that each activity may be combined with additional sensory input during a session, which will multiply your perception. Novices should start with light play only; you can always increase the intensity. And most importantly don’t say “you can do anything with me, Mistress” because an experienced ProDomme will use that opportunity to satisfy her most severe sadistic urges thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle it. Don’t try to impress by overstating your limits ­ you might not be happy with the results !!

Special equipment.

Some activities require specific toys and equipment. Figure out your special needs such as: suspension rig, cross dress wardrobe, electric shock devices, etc. Don’t assume that every Mistress can provide the correct equipment. Furthermore, if you have a specific fetish for something unusual such as “purple spotted granny knickers”, go out and buy some to present to the Mistress in session.

Decide what you need in a Prodomme.

Think about what are the most important qualities you would like to find in a Mistress. Consider such elements as personality, physical appearance, and style of play. Some Mistresses have a friendly, compassionate, flexible play style while other Mistresses have a distant, haughty, imperial play style. In order to learn about a client’s preferences, I often ask them

  • a) who they have seen in the past,
  • b) what worked with her, and
  • c) what did not work. Try going over your history to determine the fundamental characteristics for a successful encounter. Determine what sort of relationship you want. Do you like the short term, anonymity that a house, which employs several Dommes, can provide or do you prefer a long-term personal interaction with an independent Mistress?

Independent or house?

Decide which is right for you an independent Domme who works for herself or a ProDomme on staff at a house of domination. There are pros and cons for each. Women who work independently often have a private studio (sometimes shared with another Domme), are more experienced and sincere, and offer a more personal connection. However independents are generally more expensive, more selective about their submissives, and less likely to see you at the last minute. Houses are less expensive, convenient, and offer opportunity for group sessions. However, the Mistresses at a house are sometimes less experienced, and may not be genuinely into the scene.

Look at ads Keeping your own ProDomme needs in mind,

look at advertisements local papers, and on the web. Take cues from the ads regarding the attitude, interests, dislikes, intensity, and style of the Dommes. Look for mentions of your specific fetish but don’t assume that a Mistress is not into your scene just because it isn’t listed in her ad. Be wary of a ProDomme who doesn’t show her face ­ this denotes a reluctance to be associated with S/M, which I see as an indication that she isn’t really into the scene (*generalization ­ not true in every case). Do not allow yourself to be swayed away from your specific needs just because a Mistress looks good in photos or she is wearing your favorite fetish wear you will be disappointed if you are mismatched in other crucial areas.

Be careful Don’t think that less is more;

don’t try to save money by going to someone based on tribute alone, if she doesn’t know what she is doing she could seriously hurt you. If finances are a concern I advise visiting a well-known house of domination as opposed to an inexpensive Mistress who probably won’t have much equipment, wardrobe or experience and might not be safe. Dominas with fully equipped spaces and extensive wardrobes have high overhead, and demand a higher tribute, but they generally have more technical and safety expertise.

How to write a letter or email.

Write a polite, submissive, concise note outlining your specific interests including your thresholds (i.e. light spanking, heavy whipping, CBT). Enclose whatever information or tribute she has requested or you may not receive an answer. Dominas often screen applicants by ignoring the ones that fail to demonstrate their sincerity, this is necessary because so many applicants are insincere and Mistresses receive many letters and emails. Unless requested, you do not have to send a photo or jpeg of yourself. Clearly indicate the dates you going to be in her area if traveling and write well in advance as most Dommes get so much correspondence they can’t keep up. Including contact information (email, phone, pager) will greatly increase your sincerity rating in her eyes. If you are worried about discretion, get a pager or voicemail number or buy an inexpensive PO box. Believe Me, it is well worth the investment. Make sure your address or contact info is on every page of your letter ­ more than once I have lost the envelope for letters that only had the return address on the envelope. Finally wait and wait and wait for a reply. She is probably not going to have time to get back to you immediately.

Call

Of course you will be nervous when you call, that is expected, everybody is nervous. Just make the call. Experienced ProDommes are used to newer submissives Then follow my directions:

  • a) Introduce yourself before you start asking questions. Everyday I have to interrupt rude callers to find out whom I am speaking to…most annoying!
  • b) If you are making up a name choose something unusual instead of Bob, Steve, or John there are already too many of those make up something unusual and easy to remember ­ for both of you.
  • c) Call at a decent time.
  • d) If a receptionist answers, let her do her job. She is there to answer your questions and book appointments. Leaving a message for the Mistress probably won’t get a response unless she already knows you.
  • e) When speaking to a Dominatrix ask if she is seeing new clients, tell her what you want, ask questions about her facility, experience level, her specialties or interests, hours, tribute, etc. However, don’t try to press her into saying she does certain things such as golden showers, or dildo training. Those activities are illegal and she may not want to discuss them on the phone or she may deny that she does them. She may also not answer thinking you are after a free phone sex call. Indicate your interest in those areas and see if she still encourages you to visit her.
  • f) Remember that she is assessing you so don’t keep her on the phone with repetitive questions or idle chitchat, let her know that you respect and value her time.
  • g) Go ahead and tell her your secret desires, even if you feel embarrassed. She has probably heard it all before.
  • h) Don’t hang up when she answers or call just to hear her voice on the machine she might have caller ID *10# to call you back, and it will make her angry with you.
  • I) Don’t make an appointment if she seems overly pushy to book you, it sounds like you won’t like her, she is too bossy or disrespectful, or you seem mismatched.
  • j) Don’t book a time if you can’t make it or you aren’t really sure k) Write down the directions and address including suite number. Note any assignments she gives you and the answers to your questions so that you can review later.
  • k) If you can’t keep your appointment, call to cancel as soon as possible. She will appreciate it because no-shows cost money if she saves time for you.

The appointment Call to confirm as instructed.

Be on time. Leave if she seems to be drunk or on drugs because that is a very dangerous combination with Femdom. Leave if the ProDomme is not who you saw in the photo. Leave if there is no equipment or wardrobe (if these elements are important to you). Leave if the space is dirty or looks poorly maintained because it may indicate unsafe practices.

What to expect in session

A receptionist might answer the door, or the Mistress may answer in street clothes. You might have to wait in a room for her to finish up with another client. You might have to fill out a questionnaire about your likes/dislikes. You might be required to pay up front. You might be left to take off your clothes after a brief meeting with the Mistress (but legally she can’t tell you to undress without risk, so take a hint). She might give you a safe word (a word that will let her know you can’t take more of the same) before she starts to play. Act according to her directions – some Mistresses demand strict adherence to conduct befitting a slave, others don’t care if you act submissive. Don’t have unrealistic expectations ­ the session will not match your fantasies perfectly. And definitely do not bring a line-by-line script. Be open to her and let her do her thing ­ you might find it better than your script.

What NOT to expect in session.

Realize that when a Mistress says “no sex” she truly means it in the broadest interpretation. Know that she won’t be taking off her clothes, dancing, massaging, or letting you kiss intimate body parts… ­ go see someone else for these activities.

What to do so that she will let you come back.

Be clean. Be respectful. Be obedient. If you really want to make an impression, bring her a little something such as a gag, blindfold, scented candle or flowers. Go over your likes/dislikes with the receptionist or Domina so that it is fresh in her mind. You can bring a sheet about your interests but do not expect her to accept it. Speak up if she has pushed beyond your limits – a good Domme will appreciate the input without being threatened. Don’t try to impress by surpassing your limits. Understand that she may have another client waiting so don’t hang around so long that she has to come out and tell you about her next appointment. Help her to clean up. Demonstrate your gratitude ­ tell her how great the session was and that you want to see her again.

Tips

If she works in a house of domination, tip her. She only gets a percentage of the full tribute. It is not necessary to tip an independent Mistress

Follow Up

Afterwards write down your impressions, wait a few days to fully assess your reactions. Sometimes you will find activities that were unpleasant in session, are actually exciting afterwards. This is a common experience. Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, despised during, and relished after the act. That is a part of masochism ­ doing things that you don’t like. Evaluate whether you want to see her again and figure out the positive and negative elements so that you can pass that information on to the next Domina you see whether it is her or someone else. Adjust your list of limits if you have learned more about your preferences. When you call again don’t be vague saying “Hi, its Joe” ­ there are a lot of guys named Joe. Remind her of who you are by name, appearance, what you did in session, etc without her having to ask.

If you follow My advice you will know enough about your preferences and the protocol to realize your fantasies with the right Dominatrix

Resource Article : by MissBitch and MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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