Warning Signs and Red Flags

Many involved in the Femdom lifestyle have been introduced to it through the Internet and online chat rooms. Online can be very intense and very special. It can also lead to great harm to many, just as real time relationships can be quite intense and special and for others just as harmful. The possible harm in the online world is mainly emotional harm, though physical harm can happen when a submissive follows directions from one who claims to be a Dominant who is either uneducated or not a dominant at all, but a player.

What I wish to speak of now is emotional harm. Where most physical harm will heal, emotional harm can last a lifetime. I have seen so very often where a submissive is harmed because he/she gives all their trust to one not worthy of it. Submissives have several desires…a desire to please…a desire to be owned…a desire to be loved…and a desire to be treasured. These desires can leave a submissive quite open to being harmed emotionally. These desires are very intense, but they are very much part of them. And it is important that a submissive understands these needs and how to have them met properly. For an abuser, it is easy for them to become prey, if the submissive does not understand. An abuser takes these desires and carefully uses them to harm another. So please understand…understand yourself, understand your needs, and understand that with patience, you will find what it is you seek and your desires will be met.

Abusers use these needs to trap a submissive. They are very careful, they know how to manipulate the desires of another. They act as though they desire them…make them feel as though they are loved, but the one who is being targeted knows in their heart the relationship is not a good one. What the abuser has done, is draw the one so deeply in, they feel they cannot back away. Even though they know it is a bad relationship, the abuser meets just enough needs to entwine them. The abuser makes them feel as if they are the one who is at fault for any problems in the relationship and in doing this, the abuser sucks the life from them, but does not allow them to be free. Often, it is said, when online, the “Off” button is a safety measure, and that can work for a time, but once one is drawn in deeply by the manipulations of an abuser, it is hard to hit that button, but you can be free of abuse.

I am going to express in points things one should watch for and consider. If these things are occurring, please seriously consider what is going on with your relationship…

1. Isolation –

Are you regularly kept from talking to others, be it in a chatroom or any other venue? Are you not allowed to have input from others? Are you with no real cause not allowed to talk to others who were your friends? Temporary separation from others does happen, but it is only for a limited time and only to give a submissive time to consider things and learn. But, it is this important to consider, is this one who claims to be a Dominant so insecure about himself and your relationship he cannot allow you to talk to others? A true Dominant is not insecure and will not keep you from openly talking with others, so that you also are secure in yourself and the relationship you are building with Her.

2. Belittlement –

Do you feel as if you are put down? Do you feel like less of a person than you did before you met this person? Do your insecurities grow as you have gotten more involved with this person? A true Dominant desires to build up and help to make others the best they can be. If it is the one they claim as Their own, that desire is even more intense. To a true Dominant, this possession is a treasure and will be treated with great care and love.

3. Terror –

Are you afraid to speak openly to the one who claims to be a Dominant? Afraid that your words will not be respected? Afraid you will be screamed at or made to feel guilty for expressing yourself? A true Dominant will not do that. you should feel and you need to know you have a right to express your concerns and that they will be listened to. A true Dominant will listen to you and allow you to express yourself and then the Dominant will talk with you. Does this mean the Dominant’s view is right or your is…no…but a true Dominant will respect you, just as you respect that Dominant.

4. Lack of trust –

Do you feel a lack of trust for the one claiming to be Dominant? Are there many questions in your mind and heart which cannot be answered? In any relationship questions do arise, especially as two begin to learn of each other. But are you not allowed to discuss them? Or the answer, if you do raise a question from the other is a question, “Why do you doubt Me?” A true Dominant will desire to build your trust and security. As I said, in any relationship questions arise, a true Dominant understands this and will allow you to express yourself. The Dominant’s desire is that you have absolute peace and trust, first in yourself, then in the relationship you both are building and living.

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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Dating red flags – Meet someone and want to move it to real time, what to watch out for in Femdom relationships.

Internet Red Flags and Dating Tips for Femdom People

“Red flag” is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone online for a Femdom relationship it is very important that you look for these red flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs.

These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please visit NLA’s Domestic Violence Project web page at: www.nlaidvproject.us/

Red Flags:

• Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community?
• Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
• Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
• Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
• Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
• Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
• Consistently breaks promises.
• Always finds excuses for not meeting.
• Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
• Does not take personal responsibility.
• Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.?
• Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.?
• Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
• Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
• Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub.
• Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Puts you down in front of other people.
• Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
• Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
• Lies or withholds information.
• Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
• Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas.
• Blames you for your hurt feelings.
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
• Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
• Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
• Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
• Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
• Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
• Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
• Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
• Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
• Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

Safe Dating and Correspondence Tips

Before meeting:

• Do not give out personal information to strangers. This includes your name, phone number, address, place of work or email addresses you use for other purposes.
• Get a P.O. Box if you need to get mail from them. (Be aware that in the UK, it is possible to ask the Royal Mail for the details of the holder of the P.O. Box)
• Do not send money to your online interest. There are online users that earn a living by faking love and pretending to run into hard times.
• When you do make telephone calls, make sure your phone blocks caller ID or call from a public phone.
• Do not call collect – Your number will appear on their bill.
• Exchange multiple recent nonsexual photographs to avoid embarrassment and hurt feelings.
• Get a background check before meeting. There are several services that will do this through the Internet.
• Make it clear you are not going to engage in any BDSM activity on the initial dates.

During the meeting:

• Meet in public places, preferably with a friend. Do not let your date pressure you into going somewhere else even if the date is going fine.
• Try to make your first date a daytime event.
• Drive yourself to and from the meeting place. Relying on them for transportation can put you in an unsafe position.
• Establish a safety net complete with safe calls and details on your date.
• Tell your safety net your date’s information, where you went and what to do in case you do not make your safe calls. Make sure your date knows you have a safety net set up. It is a great deterrent.
• Bring along a cell phone on your date and do not become separated from it. Our community program Femdom 101 has a great article on how to set up a safe call.
• Do not drink alcohol on your date or leave your drink unattended.
• Never engage in bondage during your initial BDSM sessions.
• Do not leave your wallet or purse unattended. Your date may dig through them to find out information you do not want them to know. If you are traveling to the meeting, do not let them meet you at the airport or bus station. Use cabs or rental cars for going to and from the public meeting place. Do not stay with them or let them make arrangements for you. Do not let them know where you are staying.
• Be aware that safe words, safe calls, contracts, negotiations or gut instincts will NOT fully protect you from a real criminal. Take your time and be sure what you are getting into. Criminals have less patience for difficult targets

MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Warning signs – Is it right I’m treated this way?