Table of Contents
Taking that first step -How to Learn
What brought you here…why are you here?
My guess is you partner has just told you about his submissive desires and you wish to formulate some plan in your head, on how to make it work it for you and your relationship.
My second guess is you are attracted to what you have seen so far but don’t have a clue on where to go next, or what to do.
“The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.“
First off no matter what brought you here. Your reading this article so you either love your partner dearly and wish to give this a go, or you have liked what you seen or read. Either option the process is some what the same. You should take a serious look at yourself. It like the old saying ‘you have to know yourself in order to know others’ What is it about Femdom that You find appealing? Do You wish a 24/7 relationship; taking on the responsibilities for deciding all aspects of a submissive’s life? Do You wish to encourage another to become the best person they can be? Do you wish Femdom just in the bedroom? Alternatively, is it something in-between? Whether, it’s the sense of power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer, except for Yourself. Do not try to live up to any others’ expectation. Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave. You cannot hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first you understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with self-evaluation.
Turn Your attention to the mechanics. At this point, You are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in your body? Are Your fantasies tickled, as You think on the possibilities of this life? You need to define your starting point, what is it that most turns You on. It is quite common over time to find Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of doing, in time, become desires. The opposite is also often true; the things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now, other desires will take their place and move to the foreground. For now, what is it that You desire? Turning the boy over Your knee? Placing an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be escaped? Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?
What’s next? Your partner is the next step in this fabulous journey
Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner or figuring the workings of the sub that you already have. The key, again, is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does the submissive. The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match up with Yours.
What is my submissive partner looking for ? If your partner has brought this all to your attention you may want look at things from his side for awhile. A marketing tip I love to quote ‘is find what motivates, and your half way there’ you by now have self evaluated yourself, now is time to talk to your partner.
This is the key to a successful power exchange relationship, communication. If you don’t know what your submissive is looking for you certainly won’t be able to fulfil their needs. If you don’t know what style of domination your submissive is looking for you could easily cause an emotionally traumatic experience that could scar them for life. If your style of domination is not compatible with what they are looking for it WON’T work!! Don’t try to be something you aren’t just to please a submissive or you will be doing them AND yourself a disservice. Find out first before taking the plunge!
You should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which is truly against their own beliefs or desires, in the end, all You will end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and possibly be arrested. There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us. If You desire to administer pain, You need a partner who wishes to receive it. If You desire only to control, a masochist will never please You. You will both be frustrated by the experience. Know what you want in a partner and seek that.
Relationships…
Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time as well. Do You want to play occasionally or do You want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If You want a long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside of Femdom – otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather quickly.
What personality type is your submissive/or what are you looking for?
- Is your submissive a hopeless romantic who sees this as the ultimate expression of love?
- Is your submissive a sex slut who loves being used for your sexual gratification?
- Is your submissive demure or childlike looking for protection and a sense of security?
- Is your submissive a humiliation slut who craves being walked on because it makes them feel wonderful?
Listen to your submissive, observe the mannerism, ask them what their darkest fantasy is (that will give you a good idea of what really turns then on) but be aware that some fantasies are just that – fantasies only. If you sub cries every time you raise your voice obviously you will need to handle this one differently than a sub who grovels happily being yelled at.
OK, You know what you want, and what You want to look for.
Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you will be seen for exactly what you are a newbie without a clue. It is not a good way to start. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!
The next step in your journey, you now know what arouses, but what arouses your submissive desire to submit to you or potentially submit to you?
Do you know what arouses your submissives desire to serve you?
- Have you asked him what turns him on?
- If they expressed their interests do you consider it topping from the bottom?
Are they afraid to tell you because they don’t want to appear to be in control of what will happen. Here is my personal philosophy on this topic: “Knowledge is Power… the more knowledge a sub gives you the more power you have to own their submission, to deny you that knowledge, is to deny yourself that power.”
Encourage your sub to talk to you or write fantasies to you so you will get an idea of what it is that arouses them. That knowledge will empower you and give you a tool for awakening their submission to a deeper level. Or for that matter they may even awaken your inner potential for Domination.
What are my submissives limitations & boundaries?
A submissive who has NO limits and no boundaries is a very dangerous person with blinders on to the real dangers involved in Femdom. If they are unsure, then fine – a Domme can go slowly and feel their way along letting the submissive find a comfort level of their own. If they claim “I have no limits” I would worry about their own sense of identity and self-worth. “No limits” is the answer online submissives give because they are never in any real danger… they can turn the computer off at any time and remain in control. In real life there are limits… mutilation, snuff scene (suffocating the sub till they die), etc. are all serious limits for anyone of sound mind.
Find out what your submissive is NOT comfortable doing or is afraid of and keep that knowledge in mind when scenting with them. Soft limits can be gently explored, and tested over time… hard limits are never to be approached without a previous conversation expressing an interest in pushing, or extending that limit. A good idea to open conversation and start discussion may be to use a Limits list as we have on Collarncuffs.com. You can find one HERE LINK things you may over look as what you’d think as a soft limit, may be a hard limit to your submissive.
Negotiations
Negotiation involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do. Don’t violate what the sub sets as limits.
- (1) You’ll do him considerable mental harm
- (2) You’ll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it’s no longer consensual)
- (3) word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore. (Remember the BDSM/Femdom community is very tightly knit and nothing stays hidden for long.)
Are you willing to follow, and set, your own set standards and rules?
This is the biggest of mistake made by new dominants, double standards! If you expect a submissive to obey your rules you had better be ready to back up the consequences of those rules. If you don’t the sub will no longer feel inclined to bother since you aren’t bothering to enforce them. In addition if you expect one standard from your sub but you just don’t feel like doing it yourself then you are sending a message to that submissive that it really isn’t all that important to you after all. Make sure that if you are going to set standards, you live by those standards as well. Never say one thing and do another.
Will my submissive be able to live up to my standards and rules?
Your submissive wants to please you, so setting unreasonable standards is sabotaging them to failure. In my view discipline is misused often in the context of Femdom… discipline is a tool for correcting unsatisfactory behaviour which is very different from “role playing” where a naughty boy gets spanked in playful fun. Keep your standards reasonable so they can succeed in the tasks being given (unless they are total humiliation sluts who want to fail always). There is nothing like the pleasure of success and the rewards that go with it (for both parties involved) …Mistakes are the portals of discovery. ALL mistakes will teach you (both) something.
What does my submissive need to remain in a power exchange relationship?
- Do they need constant attention?
- Do they need rewards?
- Do they need time set aside each week for scenes?
- Are they content just taking care of you?
- Do they crave discipline or stern treatment?
Find out what they consider to be the most important things in a Femdom relationship and make sure to incorporate some of those needs in order to satisfy both of you. I could answer these questions for you, but in truth you both need to discuss this matter for yourself. What I find my submissive needs are, maybe very different from what your submissive needs, desires and wants to maintain the relationship.
Where will the power exchange exist? (bedroom only, home only, always, etc.)
If your sub is a exhibitionist and you are a very private person that submissive isn’t going to fly to the level they desire within their submission. Establishing these boundaries early on will help maintain that power exchange relationship only within the parameters established. Of course in time these limits can and often do change so communication is essential as you both grow and explore your relationship.
What are my responsibilities to my submissive?
Time to look inside again…are You willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails? Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place as safely, as possible. The submissive you find may desire being hurt, are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams
If someone is going to entrust you with their life then you are going to have some serious responsibilities. Once you find activities that interest you, you will need to learn how to do these activities safely. In addition taking a first aid course is highly encouraged for anyone pursuing a Femdom relationship – especially if your submissive is over 40 or has a history of heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, seizures, asthma, etc. Knowing how to care for your submissive partner when they are not capable of taking care of themselves IS the responsibility of the Mistress.
Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about safety. There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS.( you can find more links in our resource section)
What are my submissives responsibilities to me
If your submissive gets injured it is your responsibility, if your submissive is struggling with flash backs of anxiety attacks it is your responsibility to care for your sub. They are trusting you with their very lives, this is a serious responsibility. But that being said your submissive has a responsibility to take care of your needs as well. They need to know when your energy is low. They need to know how to read your reactions and to assess your requirements. They also have a responsibility to communicate candidly.
Answers are only found when we begin to question why.
Knowledge IS power so the more you know, the more you are able to use in pushing beyond where you are now to where you desire to be tomorrow.
Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com
Further Resources:
Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities
There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.
When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?
Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.
I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?
You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?
So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.
How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?
When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.
In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.
When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.
For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.
Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.
Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?
Waking up your inner Mistress
Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.
The importance of Honesty and trust
Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.
The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom
Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.
Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.
In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.
we can help more than just this resource section:
studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!
Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.