Category: Female Dominant resources, Articles and Reviews, How to Dominate a man and more

How to train a slave or submissive techniques, guides & advice for the New Domme or Mistress

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I’m often asked about punishment by new Domina‘s.

How do I punish?

What should I do? What do you punish?

What do I let slide and forgive?

I can only answer these question for myself and comment on how I deal with punishment issues. How you choose to deal with infractions is up to yourself, and your own individual flare and style. Dominas all have different needs and different requirements from submissives…what I require from my submissives may be different to your needs.

Punishment is an inevitable element of relationships between a Mistress and a sub. To speak shortly, punishment is designed for behaviour correction. But all involved in BDSM/Femdom know that punishment is a gift and the Domme’s benefaction as it helps to get free from feeling of guilt and it is a sign of the Top’s care for her sub. This article is not meant as ‘how too guide’ but more for a creative spark to plan your own course of punishment actions. The main issue with punishments that I can’t stress highly enough is consistency! If you threaten to punish him/her follow it through! Your submissive is seeking your guidance and control. Not punishing an act you find unacceptable is sending out a message you have no control.

Perhaps there is no need to mention that necessity of punishment must be realized by the slave and no penalty can take place without the sub’s agreement. Femdom relationships always imply love goodwill, and safe sane and consensual actions. So punishment must be necessarily discussed in advance. To effectively punish. Punishment requires some suggestions which can be followed any time a Domme finds it necessary to give her sub a lesson.

Three Main Punishment suggestions

  • 1. Punishment in any detail must be different from other types of Femdom action. Otherwise the submissive is going to get used to it and take punishment as something habitual – what lesson is he going to be given than? For instance you can have special BDSM toys used only for punishment and nothing else. Use them only when punishing your sub. In this case these BDSM toys are going to be associated only with actions intended to punish him/her.
  • 2. It is the Domme who defines severity of punishment as well as its other details. The Domme chooses the time her Sub is going to be punished, What BDSM toys she is going to use, tortures the sub must undergo etc. All these things must not be discussed; otherwise this is going to be anything but punishment and in fact might be something the submissive seeks out and desires!
  • 3. One offence – one punishment. This is the main principle which if not followed makes punishment useless. The sub must always be aware what s/he is being punished for.

Now let us speak about punishment itself. Actually punishment for my submissives consists of five suggested steps. They may or may not fit your chosen form of Femdom practices.

Step one. Explanation

This step implies explanation of what was done wrong and what your slave should have done instead. Make sure the submissive realizes his/her guilt otherwise everything that comes next is going to be of no use. Submissives left struggling with reasons for punishment often feel confused and disorientated with other activities. Left questioning they often question every action they undertake on your behalf. A submissive is not a mind reader ‘communication’ is a must if you ever wish to alter his/her behaviour.

Step two. Sub who begs for punishment.

Punishment might always involve this step and it might never imply it – everything depends on the Top. The bottom does not have the right to choose whether s/he should beg to punish him/her or not – this is not a matter for him/her to decide. A submissive asking to be punished is topping from the bottom and learning that s/he can alter the outcome of plans. Make a mental note that s/he is asking for punishment and try to evaluate why s/he is asking. Does s/he need more attention? Is s/he trying to manipulate you into action? Why is this occurring? This more often the question that needs addressing. Is there an underlying problem?

Step three. Getting ready for punishment and realization of guilt.

The fourth action is perhaps the longest one and it takes place without the Domme’s interference. I have found this step has helped my submissive/s greatly in rectifying his/her errors so they never reoccur. This might imply being on knees in very uncomfortable position in darkness. As well it might imply use of some BDSM toys, such as restraints. This step is very effective as being alone the bottom feels lonely and denied. Alone (or time out) allows for reflection time on the ‘error‘ the time out allows the submissive time from distractions to evaluate what has occurred. Time out also allows for the submissive to get in the right head space and let go off the vanilla world.

Step four. Punishment.

The fourth step is punishment itself. Here no recommendations can be given. Everything that takes place during this stage of punishment depends on the Domme and HER own personal tastes, likes and desires. This can be not only inflicting pain on the bottom as many might think. Verbal communication is as well very important.

The Mistress can order her sub to repeat a part of guilt explanation in order to find out that the slave understood and realized his/her guilt. Realization of guilt can be expressed in some other way, for instance by saying “Thank you, Mistress!” or “forgive me Mistress! “After each blow or by continuous licking the Mistress’ feet during the punishment.

Verbal communication between the top and the bottom implies that the Domme should let her sub know whether the latter can cry or not. As well she should make it clear what is going to happen if the bottom cries in spite of this prohibition.

The top can let the bottom know how long punishment is going to last, what toys she is going to use, using this method the Domme must be consistent in her set plan of action and never falter. My advise to the newer less confident Domme or Domina in a new relationship would to NOT do this if she can at all help it, setting punishments length or duration often means the submissive may have to take more than s/he needs or less than s/he needs at the time of punishment. By not informing the submissive of the full extent of the punishments details it allows you room to adjust without appearing to of ‘softened’ on the punishment or appearing to lost control of the situation. So again everything depends on the Domme’s will to remain consistent to her original punishment goal.

Step six. Forgiveness.

Punishment has ended. The top might order the bottom to thank her for punishment. She can let her slave know what punishment he is going to undergo for committing the same crime again. And of course the top must let this slave know whether the latter is forgiven or not. In the end I should say that the first punishment must be very severe. Than punishments might become rarer and less cruel. Full-fledged D/s relationships imply that after some time punishment must become a very rare event or there should be no punishments at all as the most terrible thing for a bottom is being deprived of his Mistress’ love.

What ever methods you choose make sure you are comfortable in there delivery. You are trying to give your submissive ’rules’ to suit your desires, using a method you dislike will only add to you not enjoying the process and delaying its deliverance.

Enjoy the process, it shouldn’t be a chore and shouldn’t be out of anger. Punishment should be administered because you know your submissive and yourself will ‘both’ benefit from it effects and outcome.

If you are angry step away and re gather your thoughts and personal control. Acting in anger can cause misjudgement in your actions. Actions need to be clear, concise, too the point, relaying your intended purpose for correction. Often punishments dealt in anger can lead to injury or relationship problems.

Once you have administered your chosen punishment aftercare may be required.

Article MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs.com 2008

Further Resources :

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

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Sub husband help

My last few posts have been geared more toward the submissive men and it is high time to talk with my fellow budding FemDom’s. Get a cup of coffee (or whatever you like), pull up a chair and let’s have a little talk. Since my perspective is from the female point of view I want to talk to all you Ladies like I was right there with you. I realize that no two people are exactly alike, but the more I read from other budding FemDom’s, the more I am realizing the core of this lifestyle is the same. From what I have read 90% of the Dommes I know were at one time introduced to this lifestyle by either a spouse or boyfriend. I have only come across a select few that became involved in this lifestyle on their own.

First, I am going to use my situation to share on. By no means did I do everything perfectly. All I can share is how this time is different for me than last time.

I woke up one morning and found that my husband had been on my computer the night before while I was sleeping. It took a while before I confronted him about it and when I finally did I got a defensive attitude and he denied that he was doing anything wrong. Typical behavior from a man that knows he has been caught! My first reaction was rage. Does this man really think I am that stupid? My second emotion was hurt. Since I still didn’t know exactly what he was doing I really had nothing concrete to be angry and hurt about. It was the denial that got me. It took a while before I knew exactly what he had been doing. The first thing I did was think. I had some serious decisions to make. Was I going to leave or stay? If I stayed, how was I going to ever be able to trust him again?

So let’s put this scenario onto you! Let’s say your husband has just come to you and decided to share his submissive desires. Not all men are leading secret lives but you can bet most are. They have looked at FemDom and the desire is so strong to bring it to reality, they take a chance and talk with you. Or let’s say you have found out that your husband is being sneaky on the computer. I can tell you how to find out everything, and I mean everything, he has been doing but that can be talked about later. Now, you can do one of two things: you can reject him completely or you can listen and then decide for yourself if this is something that interests you. Take some time, research the reality of FemDom and then decide if this is something you would like to do IF YOU WEREN’T TO STAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE. If this lifestyle is something you don’t really find interest in, and you continue to go ahead with it because it is what HE wants, it will never work. Your spouse will have no choice but to top from the bottom. All that will make you left feeling is inadequate and unloved. See, the male submissive, behind all the fetish activities, wants to serve a Dominant woman. If he is molding you into his perfect little Domme it will never work. This will technically leave him in the Dominant role which is not what he wants. I might add this is definitely not what you want! Trust me!

So, you have taken some time, researched and you are all for being a FemDom. Now what? How do you go about playing with this man? The activities we engage in can be very dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing. Books are wonderful and a lot can be learned about safe play, but there is only so much you can learn from books. Nothing compares to learning hands on with an experienced teacher and mentor. For me I really love the mental aspect of D/s. The bondage, teasing and games are a means to an end for me. I can honestly tell you I have learned more about the mental aspects of submissives now that I have in person relationships with other Dommes and subs. So, how do you meet others you can learn from?

The first is a local BDSM support group (want online try our Community and FREE programs. If you live in a well populated area you can bet there is a support group near. You might have to travel a little but it’s well worth it. It does take time to get to know others in the group. What do you do in the meantime? I know most of you will be completely shocked that I am suggesting this but here goes. I would find a Pro Domme in your area to take lessons from. You don’t have to take your submissive with you (although after a few times I suggest you do). Pro’s can be expensive but most will work with you if you let them know your budget. Pro’s have a insight the average woman doesn’t. They talk to thousands of submissive men and they understand the mental aspect of the submissive very well. Most Pro’s have been in the lifestyle for years and years. Hence how they got to be Pro’s.

One of my best friends is a Pro who has been involved in the lifestyle for over 17 years. She specializes in couples and she loves it when budding FemDom’s call her for lessons. I can tell you right now that if it wasn’t for this woman, my husband and I might not be together now. She understands the woman’s perspective and the man’s. She is invaluable. She offers phone counseling and she does in person lessons after she has gotten to know you and your situation via phone calls. She is here in Vegas and I highly recommend her. Here name is Mistress Kali Ward and if you are anywhere near Vegas (or not) I would suggest calling her. She started the PEP Buffalo chapter and she is recommended by Elise Sutton. The PEP organization is nationwide and the Pro Dommes they recommend are very compassionate and well educated.

This will probably surprise you all more than anything else but I have become very good friends with my husbands Ex-Pro, LadyIceQueen. For months I was envious and intimated by her only to find that she is a loving, compassionate, regular woman like me. She accepted me with love and made me feel beautiful. (Kisses and Hugs to you sweets!) I expected her to be a total cruel bitch but what I found is she is just like me. While I am not grateful that my husband shared sessions with her, I am grateful that I contacted her and now can call her my friend. She was originally in Las Vegas but she has relocated to Glendale, AZ. Like Mistress Kali Ward, she accepts phone counseling and in person lessons.

In conclusion, this lifestyle is not for everyone. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOMME. DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND OR B/f PUSH YOU INTO BEING SOMETHING YOUR NOT.

While there are many benefits to this lifestyle it is not for everyone. If you do find this lifestyle is for you, please learn all you can on what you like. Be safe in your play. And most of all enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Enjoy the attention, adoration and power. This is one time where it is ok to be a little selfish and to make it all about you. If you do, you will find what you have always wanted. Care for and guide your submissive into places they have only dreamed of. This is the time to see what you like, what you want, and to bask in the lap of luxury. The benefits are more than you could ever dream of. As always, I welcome emails from anyone who wishes to chat. Let me know how things are going. Good Luck!!!

Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost some her entries If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog (now closed)

Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted to MissBonnie

Further resources:

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

Posted on

I’m Domme so what now?

Taking that first step -How to Learn

What brought you here…why are you here?

My guess is you partner has just told you about his submissive desires and you wish to formulate some plan in your head, on how to make it work it for you and your relationship.

My second guess is you are attracted to what you have seen so far but don’t have a clue on where to go next, or what to do.

“The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.“

First off no matter what brought you here. Your reading this article so you either love your partner dearly and wish to give this a go, or you have liked what you seen or read. Either option the process is some what the same. You should take a serious look at yourself. It like the old saying ‘you have to know yourself in order to know others’ What is it about Femdom that You find appealing? Do You wish a 24/7 relationship; taking on the responsibilities for deciding all aspects of a submissive’s life? Do You wish to encourage another to become the best person they can be? Do you wish Femdom just in the bedroom? Alternatively, is it something in-between? Whether, it’s the sense of power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer, except for Yourself. Do not try to live up to any others’ expectation. Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave. You cannot hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first you understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with self-evaluation.

Turn Your attention to the mechanics. At this point, You are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in your body? Are Your fantasies tickled, as You think on the possibilities of this life? You need to define your starting point, what is it that most turns You on. It is quite common over time to find Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of doing, in time, become desires. The opposite is also often true; the things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now, other desires will take their place and move to the foreground. For now, what is it that You desire? Turning the boy over Your knee? Placing an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be escaped? Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?

What’s next? Your partner is the next step in this fabulous journey

Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner or figuring the workings of the sub that you already have. The key, again, is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does the submissive. The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match up with Yours.

What is my submissive partner looking for ? If your partner has brought this all to your attention you may want look at things from his side for awhile. A marketing tip I love to quote ‘is find what motivates, and your half way there’ you by now have self evaluated yourself, now is time to talk to your partner.

This is the key to a successful power exchange relationship, communication. If you don’t know what your submissive is looking for you certainly won’t be able to fulfil their needs. If you don’t know what style of domination your submissive is looking for you could easily cause an emotionally traumatic experience that could scar them for life. If your style of domination is not compatible with what they are looking for it WON’T work!! Don’t try to be something you aren’t just to please a submissive or you will be doing them AND yourself a disservice. Find out first before taking the plunge!

You should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which is truly against their own beliefs or desires, in the end, all You will end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and possibly be arrested. There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us. If You desire to administer pain, You need a partner who wishes to receive it. If You desire only to control, a masochist will never please You. You will both be frustrated by the experience. Know what you want in a partner and seek that.

Relationships…

Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time as well. Do You want to play occasionally or do You want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If You want a long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside of Femdom – otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather quickly.

What personality type is your submissive/or what are you looking for?

  • Is your submissive a hopeless romantic who sees this as the ultimate expression of love?
  • Is your submissive a sex slut who loves being used for your sexual gratification?
  • Is your submissive demure or childlike looking for protection and a sense of security?
  • Is your submissive a humiliation slut who craves being walked on because it makes them feel wonderful?

Listen to your submissive, observe the mannerism, ask them what their darkest fantasy is (that will give you a good idea of what really turns then on) but be aware that some fantasies are just that – fantasies only. If you sub cries every time you raise your voice obviously you will need to handle this one differently than a sub who grovels happily being yelled at.

OK, You know what you want, and what You want to look for.

Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you will be seen for exactly what you are a newbie without a clue. It is not a good way to start. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!

The next step in your journey, you now know what arouses, but what arouses your submissive desire to submit to you or potentially submit to you?

Do you know what arouses your submissives desire to serve you?

  • Have you asked him what turns him on?
  • If they expressed their interests do you consider it topping from the bottom?

Are they afraid to tell you because they don’t want to appear to be in control of what will happen. Here is my personal philosophy on this topic: “Knowledge is Power… the more knowledge a sub gives you the more power you have to own their submission, to deny you that knowledge, is to deny yourself that power.”

Encourage your sub to talk to you or write fantasies to you so you will get an idea of what it is that arouses them. That knowledge will empower you and give you a tool for awakening their submission to a deeper level. Or for that matter they may even awaken your inner potential for Domination.

What are my submissives limitations & boundaries?

A submissive who has NO limits and no boundaries is a very dangerous person with blinders on to the real dangers involved in Femdom. If they are unsure, then fine – a Domme can go slowly and feel their way along letting the submissive find a comfort level of their own. If they claim “I have no limits” I would worry about their own sense of identity and self-worth. “No limits” is the answer online submissives give because they are never in any real danger… they can turn the computer off at any time and remain in control. In real life there are limits… mutilation, snuff scene (suffocating the sub till they die), etc. are all serious limits for anyone of sound mind.

Find out what your submissive is NOT comfortable doing or is afraid of and keep that knowledge in mind when scenting with them. Soft limits can be gently explored, and tested over time… hard limits are never to be approached without a previous conversation expressing an interest in pushing, or extending that limit. A good idea to open conversation and start discussion may be to use a Limits list as we have on Collarncuffs.com. You can find one HERE LINK things you may over look as what you’d think as a soft limit, may be a hard limit to your submissive.

Negotiations

Negotiation involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do. Don’t violate what the sub sets as limits.

  • (1) You’ll do him considerable mental harm
  • (2) You’ll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it’s no longer consensual)
  • (3) word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore. (Remember the BDSM/Femdom community is very tightly knit and nothing stays hidden for long.)

Are you willing to follow, and set, your own set standards and rules?

This is the biggest of mistake made by new dominants, double standards! If you expect a submissive to obey your rules you had better be ready to back up the consequences of those rules. If you don’t the sub will no longer feel inclined to bother since you aren’t bothering to enforce them. In addition if you expect one standard from your sub but you just don’t feel like doing it yourself then you are sending a message to that submissive that it really isn’t all that important to you after all. Make sure that if you are going to set standards, you live by those standards as well. Never say one thing and do another.

Will my submissive be able to live up to my standards and rules?

Your submissive wants to please you, so setting unreasonable standards is sabotaging them to failure. In my view discipline is misused often in the context of Femdom… discipline is a tool for correcting unsatisfactory behaviour which is very different from “role playing” where a naughty boy gets spanked in playful fun. Keep your standards reasonable so they can succeed in the tasks being given (unless they are total humiliation sluts who want to fail always). There is nothing like the pleasure of success and the rewards that go with it (for both parties involved) …Mistakes are the portals of discovery. ALL mistakes will teach you (both) something.

What does my submissive need to remain in a power exchange relationship?

  • Do they need constant attention?
  • Do they need rewards?
  • Do they need time set aside each week for scenes?
  • Are they content just taking care of you?
  • Do they crave discipline or stern treatment?

Find out what they consider to be the most important things in a Femdom relationship and make sure to incorporate some of those needs in order to satisfy both of you. I could answer these questions for you, but in truth you both need to discuss this matter for yourself. What I find my submissive needs are, maybe very different from what your submissive needs, desires and wants to maintain the relationship.

Where will the power exchange exist? (bedroom only, home only, always, etc.)

If your sub is a exhibitionist and you are a very private person that submissive isn’t going to fly to the level they desire within their submission. Establishing these boundaries early on will help maintain that power exchange relationship only within the parameters established. Of course in time these limits can and often do change so communication is essential as you both grow and explore your relationship.

What are my responsibilities to my submissive?

Time to look inside again…are You willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails? Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place as safely, as possible. The submissive you find may desire being hurt, are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams

If someone is going to entrust you with their life then you are going to have some serious responsibilities. Once you find activities that interest you, you will need to learn how to do these activities safely. In addition taking a first aid course is highly encouraged for anyone pursuing a Femdom relationship – especially if your submissive is over 40 or has a history of heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, seizures, asthma, etc. Knowing how to care for your submissive partner when they are not capable of taking care of themselves IS the responsibility of the Mistress.

Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about safety. There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS.( you can find more links in our resource section)

What are my submissives responsibilities to me

If your submissive gets injured it is your responsibility, if your submissive is struggling with flash backs of anxiety attacks it is your responsibility to care for your sub. They are trusting you with their very lives, this is a serious responsibility. But that being said your submissive has a responsibility to take care of your needs as well. They need to know when your energy is low. They need to know how to read your reactions and to assess your requirements. They also have a responsibility to communicate candidly.

Answers are only found when we begin to question why.

Knowledge IS power so the more you know, the more you are able to use in pushing beyond where you are now to where you desire to be tomorrow.

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Further Resources:

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

Posted on

its actually really hard being a fledgling Dominant.

How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?

Anyone got good ideas for our newer list members?

Some ideas picked up along the way (and by no means exhaustive)

1 thyself.

  • Have a long hard think about if and why you identify as Dominant. do you love it? you don’t really know. Embark on your journey into D/s to find the answers out for yourself, don’t pretend you have them all already.

2 Read Read and more reading

  • I found that it helped to read up on the technical side first. Choose your own favorites. No doubt there are loads of web sites and mailing lists like this one to read as well. discriminating about what you read in mail lists and web sites. There is a vast difference between D/s fantasy and the practice in real life. A lot of very wise sounding advice is given online, but question how much of it is based on practical experience (including the inevitable making of mistakes!!). takes a long while to work out who is for real and who is spinning a (lovely) fantasy. However, reading about BDSM is a bit like reading cookbooks. cannot learn to cook until you try it.

3 out

  • We have heaps of BDSM clubs, parties and dungeons in Victoria (Chains, Hush Now, Perversity, Purgatory, Abode, CyberBall to name a few), so there’s no excuse for staying at home reading the net!!

4 all the other Dominants you can

  • It helps enormously to make friends with other Dominants. of them. experience and gravitas in your local scene will eventually rub off on you! most of them are egotistical enough (me included!!) to like the idea of taking a new Dominant under their wing. dead easy to convince some Tops to give you impromptu lessons in slave training, flogging, bondage etc love to talk!!

5 trying

  • However, it can be hard to befriend some "Dominants" because they Know It All and have a really tedious need to dominate everyone (not just their own sub/s). might also get snubbed by the occasional “Queen of the Scene” (happens to me all the time!)Don’t give up – I believe that every city’s scene has Dominants that are mature (and secure) enough to properly befriend and mentor new Dominants. Go to events, meet lots of people and seek out the Dominants that strike you as approachable and reasonably well liked (ESPECIALLY by other Dominants. easy to fool some of the subs some of the time, but if a "Dominant" cannot get along with other Dominants, then they definitely have problems

6 Choose a same sex mentor (unless you are gay)

  • It may seem easier to seek out mentors of the opposite sex, but be conscious that Dominants can have totally explosive chemistry with one another. starts out as a bit of flirtation can turn into a wild ride of switching, mind fucks and power games. is why a lot of Masters and Mistresses are love partners – and all power to them. as a new Dominant in search of self, I don’t recommend it (yet;)

7 your time

  • Notice I haven’t suggested run around like Lady Headless chook looking for submissives to play with? you can advertise like crazy all over the net and hang around the walls at every club, but what have you got to offer? Instead, push yourself to meet people of all persuasions (tops, bottoms, fetishists, male, female) and take a real interest in their lifestyle and personal choices. will help you discover your own style of Dominance, define your expectations and introduce you to potential partners.

8 Stay real

  • Most of all, stay yourself. to be A Real Dominant (what ever the hell that is) is doomed to failure. ‘T tell fibs exaggerating your experience or skill. bit of humility and grace goes a long way. egos, low self esteem and dishonesty are NOT Dominant and everyone else knows it. If you are genuine, self assured, approachable and dominant without being domineering (they are TOTALLY different things), your submissive will find you. than you think.

9 Pass it on

  • And remember that one day you will no longer be a newbie, and then it will be your turn to hold out the hand of friendship to newcomers.

largely reprinted from my articles posted elsewhere – so apologies to those who have heard it all before or BDSM if you aren’t strictly into D/s – I use the expressions pretty interchangeably …

Article MissBitch & MissBonnie CollarNccuffs.com

Additional resources

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

Posted on

How to become a good Mistress

TEN Basic’s FOR Femdom

leather clad Domme

1.Be Patient…

  • Until you enter into a relationship with a submissive, you have no more right to order him around than does anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.

2. Be Humble…

  • You may be Femdom’ gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are – and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.

3. Be Open…

  • Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in D/s-SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.

4. Communicate…

  • You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing D/s-SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of D/s-SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.

5. Be Honest…

  • If you lack experience in an area that your submissive would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.

6. Be Sensitive…

  • There’s a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your bottom’s needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.

7.Be Realistic…

  • End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don’t try to imitate them to the last detail.

8.Be really Dominant…

  • Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from Internet or media produced fodder . Your dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life – it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don’t shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role – now take it!

9. Be Healthy…

  • Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don’t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of “drugs and alcohol don’t affect me that much… I can do it anyway” violates your submissives trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don’t want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn’t be playing the game!

10. Have Fun…

  • After all, sex/play is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative play

Additional reading materials :

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

© Resource Article :MissBonnire Collarncuffs.com

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Topping Tips hints, tricks and more

When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?

Play with them!

There are all kinds of common objects that produce intense and enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless lover. Combs for dragging across the skin, feathers for tickling a frantic foot, clothespins (use a couple or use many in artistic rows–these can be as intense as you want to make them!), ice cubes, chocolate syrup, strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?), leather belts for slapping or spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating, and of course your own fingers, mouth, genitals, and everything else. Enjoy taking your time with your willing victim; drive them to distraction, then bring them to the edge of ecstasy, then back off and make them beg for more!

leather corset
leather corset

Remember

you can set the mood as you wish. You can be playful, amused at your own ineptitude even while your bottom is moaning with desire. You can be stern and commanding, sympathetic but nasty, jolly yet sadistic–anything you please. As long as you focus your attention on your bottom, your bottom will have a great time! Relax, go with the flow, and if you stop enjoying it, call safe word–tops can use safewords too.

Of course, there’s no need to feel like you need to put all your attention into pleasing your bottom; what’s a good slave for if not for pleasing their mistress? I’ve several times played with my boy friend and used him for my own selfish pleasure, giving little attention to hiss–and he loved it! But there is no doubt that with pleasure it is as good to give as to receive. Just remember, communicate, be sensitive to what your bottom is feeling, and you’ll have no problem.

The one thing that is quite important to remember as a top is that you are responsible for your bottom.

As you begin playing with Sand M, you may well be placing your bottom in situations in which he or she is physically helpless and/or emotionally vulnerable. It is important that you recognize they are placing a great deal of trust in you, and in your ability to handle any situations that may come up. If you’re in the middle of a hot scene, and suddenly someone unexpectedly bangs on the door, you may both be startled and shocked–but your bottom will be immediately looking to you for protection. If something happens that you didn’t expect, take care of your bottom _first_–reassure them that you’re not going to let anything happen to them, and then deal with the problem calmly and sensitively.

And don’t be limited by preconceptions of what you and ought and to be doing, or worries about how you’re not topping and correctly. and If you start to feel pressured or insecure, take a step back, and ask yourself what _you_ want out of the scene. Sometimes, when I’ve been bottoming for my boyfriend, he hasn’t been in the mood to play with me sexually–so he made me his slave and commanded me to… bathe him and wash him! This was lots of relaxed fun for both of us, and it let her unwind enough to keep playing the way _she_ wanted to play. Be honest, not only with your bottom, but with yourself. And if you are in the middle of a scene, and suddenly your honesty says I don’t want to be doing this or I don’t know what my partner wants, or even what I want, then by all means stop the scene–gracefully if possible. Better that than for the scene to drag on until both of you are sick of it.

If you still don’t have any ideas, and if your bottom is really hot to trot, you can always start playing with your bottom and getting them excited in whatever way you know how, and demand that they tell you a fantasy of theirs, or you’ll stop. Talking dirty to each other–trading hot fantasies, knowing that you can make then happen if you want to–is the best way I know of getting ideas for scenes. This actually goes for ALL sexual play, whether it involves Sand M or not! Still stuck try the community for ideas or one of our free eLearning programs

If you want detailed descriptions of positions, possible scenes, and so forth, you would do well to find a copy of _Sensual Magic_ or _SM 101_. and order some mail-order catalogs of Sand M books; lots of ideas!). Or, post with your questions to the forum or here on CollarNcuffs.com, Asking for any and all suggestions.

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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TEN basic’s FOR SUBMISSIVES interested in Femdom

1. Be Patient…A potential top or mistress /Domme will let you know if she is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don’t expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.

2. Be Humble…You may be God’s gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.

3. Be Open…You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. D/s- SM is a very personal art, and an “I already know it all” attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable D/s-SM friends.

4. Communicate…Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turnoffs. But – unless it’s an emergency – wait until your top asks. Don’t expect your dominant to be a mind-reader who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.

5. Be Honest…Don’t be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turnoffs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.

6. Be Vulnerable…Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don’t always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you’ve written in your head. It’s far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you’re never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her know it, and let her guide you into new fantasies.

7. Be Realistic…Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don’t call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment. Your top’s equipment is expensive – respect it and don’t abuse it.

8. Be really Submissive…This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don’t coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then loyal and dependable and enjoy your role

9. Be Healthy…D/s-SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants – both active and passive – be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an “I want it all now” attitude when you aren’t able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.

10. Have Fun…After all, sex/play is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative D/s-SM play.

collarncuffs@collarncuffs.com

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After Care

Why is it so important in Femodm?

aftercare

Aftercare is the last act of the SM Femdom scene. It is the culmination, the final act, the finishing touches, the phase where the participants (usually the tops) formally give the fantasy scene a context in everyday reality.

It’s technical purpose is to transition both Domme and sub from the elevated states created in a scene back into normal life awareness . But as any good SM practitioner will tell you, it’s much more than that.

It is the time after the action when the participants come together in mutual affirmation that something special was created and shared. It is when affection and closeness is offered and sought. It is, at very least, the proper time to thanks to the person who has shared this tiny segment of your life with you. It can be, and often is, the most beautiful part of a scene. To skip it altogether is as rude as having a meal at a friend’s house, and bolting once you’ve eaten.

Aftercare is basic in the planning of any SM Femdom scene, especially for intense, edgy scenes where the participants go deep into subspace. Play that is physically heavy, intensely emotional, or improvisational, with lots of twists and turns, can leave your partner shaken, shaky, vulnerable and exposed, making it all the more crucial to guide them back down safely to earth.

Some people, even after satisfying play, may experience “ a Crash”: feelings of anxiety, exposure, embarrassment, guilt or emotional overload. In short, Crash is the SM / femdomme equivalent to the post coital blues and how well you take care of your partner will say a great deal about what the scene really meant, whether it was just a quickie or a deep beautiful bond bringing you closer together as people. Aftercare also allows some recovery if things didn’t go as well as they could have. In a “broken” scene, sensitive, compassionate and intelligent aftercare is all that stands between you and a bad reputation as a uncaring Domme

Aftercare is especially very important following:

  • Scenes that are demanding and intense
  • Scenes that result in tears, screams, orgasm or emotional release.
  • Scenes that involve new partners or new techniques
  • Scenes that involve punishment, humiliation or intimations
  • Scenes that have been interrupted by an accident, injury, fainting or unseemly act of God.
  • Scenes that have “gone bad” resulting in anger, or upset, or ending on a safe word (both top and bottom may well need/appreciate some reassurance if this happens)

Bad aftercare can do damage that is basically incalculable. It can leave your partner feeling queasy, unsatisfied, or used, ruin an otherwise great scene, or damage the trust and affection your partner has in you if you are seen as arrogant, uncaring or clueless in that time of maximum tenderness and exposure. But if aftercare is done well it can double the impact of a good scene. Aftercare can confirm that the scene just ended had meaning and the gifts of dominance and submission had value. It can attach the scene to the rest of your life in a way that it makes sense and is remembered as a good, validating experience, even if it hurt like hell!

As the breathing returns to normal, as you and your partner prepare to return from wherever your play has transported you, there are a number of simple, mechanical activities that need to happen.

  • Removing your partner from bondage, or blindfolding
  • Treating any first aid issues that need to be tended to.
  • A bathroom break might be in order
  • If you and your partner have been standing, sitting down might be nice. If your partner has been bound, stretching out might be good.Holding, talking, being together, allowing time for heart rate and breathing to return to normal
  • Food & drink
  • A transitioning out of scene roles into the roles of equal compassionate friends (unless it is important for one or both of you to STAY in role).
  • Permitting the submissive to redress into comfortable clothing
  • Responding to any physical or EMOTIONAL needs the submissive may have (talking about the scene, tears, etc.)
  • Cleanup of the scene equipment and play area. These can all be ritualized and performed with tenderness to maintain the headspace of the scene even after the mechanics of the scene are dismantled.

Most important, Emotional state

More important even than your partner’s physical condition is their EMOTIONAL state. And unlike the standard aftercare techniques listed above, this process is exploratory and changes every time you do it. Leave time after a scene to be with the person you’ve played with. For a short scene in a one hour play window, fifteen to twenty minutes seems reasonable, but you may need more, may need less. Don’t set a time limit if you don’t have to.

In general, aftercare is a good time to move from roles of play (top/bottom, mistress/slave, etc.) into more equal roles of mutual friendship, nurturing, and respect. Holding, cuddling and touching is nice, depending on your relationship to your partner. Depending on your level of intimacy and the time available, so is bathing together, sharing a nap, sex, or grabbing some food, more talk, reading aloud to your partner, a sponge bath, or a massage. Some like their faces touched… But bear in mind that what works for some will not work for all. What seems affectionate and sweet to some may be mushy and silly to others, or inappropriately intimate, if it involves more kissing and intimate touching than your partner is comfortable with. And Dominants, if cuddling is too touchy-feely for you, at least staying in your partners presence is good form (have them sit with you, at your feet, fetch you drinks, stroke their hair, etc.)

Some ideas for expressing affection that aren’t to touchy- feely include kisses on forehead, hugs, holding hands and nuzzle heads, or hugs given to the side holding your partner hip to hip. Talk is important, and affirmation is your foremost duty. Express satisfaction, (or at least gratitude) after a scene. Tell your partner how nice it was. Murmur sweet nothings. Express gratitude and warmth. If the scene turned you on, say so. “You suffer so beautifully . . . You really turned me on. . . I really love the sounds you make . . . you look so great on that cross . . . your eyes are incredible when you’re tied up… I hope I didn’t go too far. . . Owww lets do this again sometime . . .” Express caring and concern. How did the scene go? Ask about places where the scene seemed to go off track. You want to know these things after all to help perfect your own skills. “How was it? Did you like that? Are you sore? Did the ropes make your hands tingly? What was the best part? What was the worst part? Did I scare you? Was it a good scare or a bad one? Have you had enough? Or would you like to ask for more?”

Your partner may want to talk too, about the scene, about them, about you… There’s no way to know in advance. Let them babble if that’s what they want to do. Be supportive and listen. Having said all this let me reiterate that it aftercare is never standard and the preceding description, while a sound approach in dealing with new people, may bear no resemblance to the aftercare you need. Aftercare is a subtle and what works fine in one instance may be inappropriate, even damaging, in another. Some need a lot of touch and talk to guide them back to their daytime selves, but others want no more than a boot in the ass and a “Good Boy!” Bottoms may wish to be dismissed without a word, given chores, or curl into a solitary ball.

Although aftercare is typically viewed as something the top does for the bottom, tops are people too, and often yearn for affection, gratitude and nurturing. Sometimes when the heat of the scene has passed, a top can find him or herself, exhausted, exposed and feeling guilty about doing bad, nasty things to someone they care about. This is the phenomenon some call top-drop. So bottoms: Remember to express gratitude and respect to the top who has spent the last hour or so being bad to you. Flattery is good “You’re so dominant . . . You really turned me on. . . I didn’t know you were that good with a whip. . I’d love to do this again sometime..I really loved it when you tied me to your cross.”. No need to lie, but if you can find something nice to say, its nice to

so in short

Aftercare varies depending on individual preferences and the intensity of the scene. Here are some general guidelines:

  1. Physical Care: Attend to any physical needs such as cleaning wounds, providing water, or applying soothing lotions.
  2. Emotional Support: Engage in open and honest communication. Offer reassurance, comfort, and affection to help the submissive or dominant feel safe and loved.
  3. Debriefing: Discuss the scene, what worked well, and any concerns or boundaries that were pushed. This helps build trust and ensures both parties are on the same page.
  4. Relaxation: Encourage relaxation activities such as cuddling, gentle massages, or watching a movie together. This helps participants unwind and transition back to a relaxed state.
  5. Check-ins: Continue to check in with each other in the following days to ensure emotional well-being and address any lingering concerns or needs

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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sub space drop in Femdom play scenes
sub space in Femdom play scenes

First Aid Kit Most who partake in Femdom (especially the emerging or optimists ) don’t think twice about ‘after play’ or do I have all the ‘medical needs’ I require should an emergency arise.

You more than likely can tell me how much lube is left in the bottle/tube but do you know if your cupboards medical supplies are fully stocked?
Safety: is this responsibility of each person in the Femdom scene. Communication, physical and/or verbal, is a must during a scene to assure that the scene is not being taken to a dangerous level. It is your responsibility to know your play-partner as well as to disclose any medical problems and physical/emotional limitations you have that could lead to complications during a scene.

A first-aid kit should be kept in your toy bag if you travel to play parties Preferably two: a larger one for home and a smaller one for travel. Though all play spaces should be equipped with a Safety kit do not assume that one will be available, take your own!

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sub space drop in Femdom play scenes

Ok… the sad thing is that most people do not have a good understanding of what sub drop is… not even Dominants who have been in the lifestyle for quite some time. The article I posted before this comes close in explaining why sub drop occurs, but in reality it still lacks quite a lot of the deep explanation necessary for every Dominant to know in order to take care of their submissive after a play session, as it mostly discusses what causes sub space, not necessarily the mechanics of why someone drops.

The reason sub drop occurs, is a direct result of sub space… as you are taking your submissive deeper and deeper into sub space, the brain is producing more and more endorphins, and adrenaline… so much so that it goes into overdrive, and produces far more than the body’s normal and natural amount, hence the euphoric high the submissive experiences.

After your play session is over, the brain takes a while to realize there are no more external stimuli present and then begins shutting down production of those chemicals in order to attempt to bring the chemical levels back down to a level state. What it does however is it completely shuts down production… so much so that the levels often drop below normal after the fact, usually by the next day. When this happens, there is usually a period of depression associated with lower than normal chemical levels in the brain, then as the brain realizes the levels are low, it begins production again, but over produces once more to compensate, not nearly as much as when in a scene, but still, which leads to a period of happiness and giddiness once more. This is kind of a roller coaster, produce too much chemicals, then shut down, level drops bellow normal, overproduce again, and its a roller coaster effect as this goes on until the brain finally gets to a normal state again. This period of depression and euphoria, then depression again and so on is sub drop, it usually leaves the submissive feeling very confused and emotionally unsure, and vulnerable, a period in which she/he relies heavily on her/his Master, or Domme, and for most new submissives a very scary period.

That for the long and short of it is the mental reason for sub drop… it has nothing to do with true depression, it has nothing to do with the submissive disliking or being mad with the Dominant, it has to do with chemicals, plain and simple… and it is every Dominant’s responsibility to realize that, and plan for it, and to help the submissive work through that period and support her/him. Often I have heard that exercise helps to level out the sub drop effects much quicker, so if you are a submissive, and want to shorten the effects, go for a nice run, or a bike ride or something the day after.

Hope that helps some out.

Article MasterMonos All permissions granted.

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subspace – What is it?

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