Category: Sex and Sexuality

What do you know about sex? What do you know about sexuality?
We hear about sex and sexuality almost every day on Femdom sites,but much of what we hear is inaccurate and can be confusing when the sexual basics aren’t covered. A basic understanding of sex and sexuality can help us sort out myth from fact and help us all enjoy our Femdom lives more. We are all sexual. We are sexual from the day we are born until the day we die. Our sexuality affects who we are and how we express ourselves as sexual beings.

Even though we spend our lifetimes as sexual beings, it’s normal to have many questions about sex and sexuality. And this is good because the more we know about sex and sexuality, the better we are able to take charge of our sex lives.
We hope these pages give you the information you need to better understand your own sexuality.

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Men And Sexual Fantasy

Domme in latex

Table of Contents

There is no use in denying: If you are a man, you fantasize during sex. Not about the woman you are with or the situation you are in, but probably about another (imaginary or not) woman or another (the next or the ideal) situation.

No, you won’t be the first to dream about Pamela Anderson while having sex with your wife or girlfriend. Neither will you be the first to actually want entirely different things than what you are doing. And there is nothing wrong with that. Guess what, most women do exactly the same.

Then why is it that even men who are in a happy relationship will still look at the women around them? Why do you – as a man – still feel sexually attracted to other women as well?

You are a seed factory

One answer to the above questions comes from genetic factors. You are programmed to spread your seed – not only as often as you can, but also in as many women as you can. This is socially unacceptable, of course, but genes do not care about conventions. Genes care about one thing only: to mix themselves with as many other genes as possible so the species will move on and actually grow by combining strong genes with other strong genes.

Remote Innuit (Eskimo) tribes sometimes STILL will invite visitors to their villages to mate with their daughters or even wives. The idea behind this is that their communities are very small and the risk of inbreeding is high. While this may seem to be a rather animalistic approach to the problem of inbreeding, if you (or your set of genes) have no other option, that is what you will do.

The concept of men as more sexually driven than women was raised as a scientific issue by the sociobiologists, who strove to explain human behavior on the basis of genetic influences reaching far back down the evolutionary tree. As a generality, the dominant male(s) in a society will have to win the right to impregnate – and they do this by fighting, by competition, by wooing the females with displays of their strength and size. Of course, much of this behavior does exist in the animal kingdom, although it is certainly not an exclusive pattern of male behavior – many animal species mate for life, and many of those that do not will form exclusive partnerships for the breeding season. Even some of the notoriously sexy primates will form long lasting pair bonds. Back to Innuit, if there is little or no risk for inbreeding and if there is no lack of healthy, strong genes, the evolutionary need to “spread seed” reduces and the mono-amorous (one male, one female) relationship prevails, because it has a lot of other benefits as well.

Humans are not animals (anymore) in the sense that they – as a species – have developed things none of the other species of this planet have: brainpower, for example, and the ability to read and write. Thus, our society is much more complex than any other society on the planet and it is based on conventions (rules, regulation and legislation) and not on reflex behavior and instincts. But that doesn’t mean our prime-instincts have all gone.

It takes evolution thousands and thousands of years to adapt any species to the situation it is in (in that sense evolutionary development is usually way behind the actual situation!). As a result, while every species adapts (or mutates, if you like), “old stuff” is not thrown away very quickly. Apparently, that is especially true for the reproduction process.

As opposed to the vast majority of other species humans do not have a specific “mating season”. In biological terms: there is always a large quantity of fertile females available every day (as opposed to, for example, all females are fertile in the month of May only). So the human male is biologically programmed and designed to be ready for mating every day, all day. And that – albeit redundant – ability is still there, including the “need”. Again, genes do not care about conventions.

Your sexual behavior is a choice

At the same time humans feel that it is almost an insult to our human condition to be seduced by arguments that sexual behavior is governed by our genes. We are, after all, supposedly the most evolved species on the planet. How distasteful, then, that our genes might be responsible for our behavior. Do we not have the ability to overcome our genetic inheritance and behave in a human way?

The answer is that we have the choice of doing so, but that we may sometimes be driven in a way that comes from deep within our genetic programming that we cannot fully see. Studies show that gay men, once out of the closet and freed from the social or emotional restrictions of society or their female partners, will seek out sex, enjoy it, and basically have as much of it as they can, even though the cost is an emotional one – emptiness, guilt maybe, lack of intimacy, and so on. And since they are free from the social (and economical) risk of making their partner pregnant and reproduce, a strong other impulse (responsibility for potential offspring) is also gone.

Through another angle, it rapidly becomes apparant that our sexual “behavior” is largely the result of conventions that have little or nothing to do with our sexual needs or even our personality. The concept of a “family” (one man, one woman for life) historically speaking is a relatively new concept. Before that, the concept of “communities” ruled (and in many tribes still does) for thousands of years. The village, the tribe, the group was what was originally – and for a long time – important. That entity collectively took of care of tasks such as raising kids, caring for the elderly, education, hunting for and collecting food and even sexual needs and (sexual) education (some tribes and cultures still will).

The “family” as we know it is largely an invention of those, wanting to control society. Religions and governments mainly. With the need for improved administration the need of a structured society came about. Identity (and something to proove it) became important, so things like birth-certificates were invented, which eventually formed the basis for other things, such as marriage certificates, drivers lincenses and tax forms.

With that – unfortunately through a complex and widespread system of false arguments – the concept of the everlasting one man / one woman family was introduced. Suddenly it became a “sin” to mate with more than one woman. Sex before marriage became a “sin”. Why? Because religion or the governmenet (usually one and the same) needed the administrative entity called “the family” and since everyone knows sex is a huge (if not the main) incentive to get things done, sex was suddenly presented as a reward for good behavior (marry first and THEN have sex – you have fulfilled your administrative obligation, now you can have the sex you want). Simultaniously, of course, a system of social and other penalties was introduced.

And one of the things men still struggle with is the fact that since men were at the top of both governments and religions the system was invented, men are much more likely to abide by it – since it was a male invention.

You are a powerful copy machine

If it is social conditioning, how do we explain the fact that some aspects of male behavior happen so often? That, for example, men will have sex with anyone when they’re drunk? Or, as women might have it, that men can’t be trusted? That they care more about beauty than brains? That they will abandon their wives of twenty years when success strikes in middle-age and then set up with some much younger bimbo? Does it mean that women are attracted by power and success – evidence of dominance, perhaps, in our material society? Does it mean that the more attractive women have a sexual advantage because they will attract the stronger, richer, more powerful males – who can, of course, afford to buy their company?

One answer, according to the sociobiologists, lies in the fact than men can have many more offspring than women – they can plough the furrow and spread the seed, with little care for what happens afterwards. Thus the men who were sexually promiscuous way back in our evolutionary history would be the ones who were evolutionarily successful – in other words, they would have more children and the behavior would spread.

But of course females might want the opposite – faithfulness, and evidence of commitment to child-rearing: thus they would tend to test the patience of males who offered themselves as potential mates, to see how prepared they were to stick around.

Another answer lies in the fact that somewhere along the line we became two-legged. Humans are one of the few species that have sex “from the wrong end”. That is the result of the fact that we are upright and on two legs, instead of on all fours (which technically makes mating a lot easier). Our sex organs, however, (male as well as female) are still very much positioned for the four-legged position. The result – many scientists believe – is that “sex” for humans became something that requires “bargaining” (communication). In fact, one of the few species that has a somewhat similar “problem” are sharks. They too need to mate belly-to-belly.

This belly-to-belly position presents the male with a whole new set of problems to overcome. The four-legged mating position (doggy style, if you like) leaves the female in a position where she cannot defend herself against an invader (her legs and claws cannot protect her and her teeth are useless as well), while the male has all advantages and quite literally all his weapons (teeth, claws, legs and body weight) in an ideal position. Additionally, his penis is in the ideal position so he doesn’t need to guide it, rather, he can just plunge it in. The human male thus has an evolutionary “disadvantage” (the female can suddenly defend herself against invasion and is largely, as any martial art expert will tell you, in the advantage since she’s on her back and in the ideal defense position with all her weapons ready at hand). Sharks deal with this problem by forming male partnerships and simply raping the female (two males will hold her down while number three invades her). Humans (having the advantage of brainpower and communication) have developed the bargaining technique to deal with the “problem”.

And, in fact, there is evidence to support some of these ideas. For example, there are now, and have always been, many polygamous human societies – those where the dominant males especially have been allowed to have several wives. This fulfills exactly some presumed biologic pattern, but the dominant male has to be able to keep his power and provide for the children. Similarly, psychologists report that men fret about their wives having sex with other men (you know, the scenario where a man ends up looking after some other man’s child – a sneaky fucker’s child, to use a graphic term from the field of sociobiology, while he supports his wife in the belief that it’s his child; great from a human point of view, but very, very bad from the point of view of the man’s genetic investment in the next generation), while women, so we are told, fret about their men being emotionally attached to someone else.

Even more bizzarre, it has been proposed that the classic male double standard – bed a whore and marry a virgin – is underpinned by this biological urge to ensure that as a man, one brings up one’s own genetic offspring while bedding a sexual woman is a way of spreading the seed that will not result in long term commitments. (Of course, with contraception it probably won’t result in offspring either, but that isn’t the point: it is the imperative behind the behavior that is either genetically determined or not).

There are scientific studies that bear this out. David Buss, a psychologist and author of the “Evolution of Desire” has surveyed many people in over 30 countries. He found that men wanted sex and women wanted success. Another great source for this is “The Anatomy of Sex and Power” by Michael Hutchison, a scientific study that leads to controversial yet interesting conclusions, based on many sources from many scientific fields.

Bargaining, negotiation, communication and fantasies

Picture the evolutionary clock again. Recent human history (recent as in the last few thousand years) is only five minutes or less on a scale of 24 hours. In other words, in an evolutionary sense we are still very much developing and learning “new” concepts. That is why the “bargaining” (communication) system between the human male and female is (yet) far from perfect.

The human need for conventions has largely interfered with the negotiation concept. For a long list of reasons, the concept of free thinking has (and very much still is) hindered by a wide variety of labels and conventions, that – quite frankly – obstruct the concept of learning though free communication and free association (both are two basic human learning concepts). Simply because, when it comes to sexuality, a lot of ideas and fantasies have quickly been labeled “wrong”, “dirty” or “perverse” (anything from gay sex, to polygamous situations to non-mainstream or kinky sex has – at some point – been given a negative label, most of which are still very much in place). Again probably as a result of evolution, men are not very good at this sexual bargaining process. Scientists tend to believe that the reason for this is because they never had to bargain. Males fight off other males to gain access to females – they do not bargain with females. Females, on the other hand – the biological “prey” of the strong, dominant males – have learned to bargain from day one.

So here you are: still not very well equipped when it comes to communication and forced to try and overcome lots of labels, guilt feelings, your overly developed sense of responsibility and deal with conventions. That conflict with your genetic programming. Now what?

Men are not good at talking about emotions and feelings

Actually: YOU ARE DAMNED GOOD WHEN IT COMES TO COMMUNICATING ABOUT FEELINGS! You can show your buddies what you feel, right? You don’t need to tell them. You can be enthusiastic, you can be a buddy, a partner, a colleague, a teamplayer. Oh yes – the human male is very, very good at communicating feelings. Fact of the matter is that men and women communicate in different ways!

When it comes to feelings, men (as opposed to women) do not talk and aren’t subtle. They largely communicate through body language and power signals. They hug, they bang shoulders, they have handshakes, they dress, walk and move in specific ways, they look at each other and when it comes to sex they have a very powerful chemical weapon: pheromones! The sex-smell that attracts females and pushes away other males (and makes it obvious to other males what you want). Women have pheromones too, but due to the use of perfumes as well as “social weapons”, such as make up and hairdo they have very little impact and in fact women largely use the end-products of the cosmetic industry for their non-verbal communication (including their competition with other women). In other words, men largely communicate physically and in many ways their non-verbal communication is theirs and doesn’t come out of a bottle (as it frequently and literally does for women). Besides, they expect to be understood (which is true, but only by other males).

You don’t bring me flowers anymore

When it comes to men/women sexual communication it is first of all important to understand that both sexes are on different levels. A woman (generally speaking) emphasizes shelter, comfort and intimacy and wants confirmation of that – frequently! The man, however, feels he has won his most important battle at the start of the relationship (or actually even before that): he got her and has outsmarted other males (imaginary or real) in doing so.

Plus, he has a problem: it is very likely that whenever he talks about his fantasies (other women, more women, ideal women, you name it), his partner will very likely see that as competition AND as a personal defeat! In simple terms: every time you tell her you think Pamela Anderson is beautiful she’ll think she’s too old, her breasts are too small, her hair isn’t blond or her legs aren’t long enough. While that is not what you mean, that is what she feels. Bang! Dead end! And you end up reassuring her that you still think she’s the most beautiful creature on the planet. And you do that while all you wanted was (to talk about) good sex. While she tells you that she is good enough to have your children, do your laundry and cook your dinner while you go out looking at other women.

Yes, that is a (if not THE) major problem and there simply is no “five easy steps” system to deal with that. But what does help is to be honest and open about it. Communication is a learning game: the communication process itself as well as the subjects you communicate about.

Commerce and social conventions have brought about a very crummy system of communication between the sexes: communication through gifts. If you love her, buy her flowers (or diamonds, or chocolate – depending on the commercial and your budget) is the message that commerce especially is grinding in all the time. Well, guess what, it’s nice to buy each other gifts every now and then, but it is lousy communication. Ten to one, whenever you bring a gift she’ll think you have something to hide (which is also the result of social programming). For effective sexual communication you need to do what you haven’t been taught: talk!

Are there easy tools? The answer is: unless we want to make the same mistake others did and come up with Venus and Mars theories, no there are not. But what we can do is give you hints. Such as:

  • 1. Start to communicate about your fantasies early – in the early stages of the relationship. If you’re into leather: tell her (it’ll come up sooner or later anyway and it may cause bigger problems if you bring it later).
  • 2. Don’t be afraid of your fantasies. Yes, they may bring up difficulties, such as the one sketched above, but trying to dodge these by not talking about them isn’t going to help.
  • 3. Don’t be guided by social stygma, conventions and fears. You do not have to do everything you think about (apart from the fact that fantasies are often impossible to bring to life, Pamela Anderson can only handle so much men) but it is important to bring them up, out in the open.
  • 4. Ask about HER fantasies (many women will tell you they do not fantasize, that’s usually not true, the difference, however, is in the fact that female fantasies are usually less specific and more about “situations” and “emotions”, in other words more abstract)
  • 5. Don’t think your fantasies will chase her away. Sexuality to many women may sometimes be less important than it is to you – in any case other aspects of the relationship to her may be just as important as sex. Besides, women are open to a lot more than you might think and quite often you’ll find that her fantasies are actually a lot rougher and tougher than yours.
  • 6. And there is another thing – while you (man) are probably uncertain about some fantasies, have seconds thoughts about it and want things like “carefully trying them out”, women are a lot more direct when it comes to accepting what they are and want and they are a LOT quicker in accepting that.
  • 7. Educate yourself about your sexuality, her sexuality and about any fantasies, ideas or non-mainstream feelings and fantasies you have. Come prepared! (that is what she does – women tend to inform themselves through reading and research).
  • 8. Probably your biggest and most important source for information is: YOUR PARTNER (i.e. not your friends and buddies, not Playboy, not porn-magazines – although there is nothing wrong with some fun and exitement).



©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for thepowerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Male sexuality: Feeling Trapped

Table of Contents

Feeling trapped

It is not uncommon for men to feel trapped in their own life, especially not when it comes to either identifying or discovering new aspects in their sexuality. And getting out of the trap may not always be easy, especially not if your spouse is not open to this. Simply because getting out of the trap – which is not (although frequently identified as) the same as a mid-life crisis – may bring about some drastic shifts in your life. For both of you, actually.

The most blatant example is the situation where a married men “suddenly” discovers he is either gay or bisxual. This is neither sudden, nor a discovery, but in fact the men in question making room in his head for other, new ideas that he may have suppressed (consciously or not) for a long time. And this does not exactly happen in the area of sexual inclination – but also in other sexually related areas, such as discovering or identifying BDSM-emotions, crossdressing or simply discovering that there are other women as well and that there may be room in your life (and heart) for more than one.

This “life trap” – which is a very typical MALE thing – is something that has not attracted a lot of attention yet. However, it is fair to say that it can be compared to the situationof the woman who, after having raised children, wants to return to an active economic or social life and finds she’s way behind in many developments and may not be able to do what she actually wants as a result of previous choices in life (this has as little to do with the meno-pause as the male trap has to do with mid-life crisis, even though all these events may happen more or less in the same period in your life). Both men and women will not be able to escape the trap without dramatic choices in their lives.

It doesn’t always have to be dramatic – largely depending on your personal situation. Quite a few people “escape” the trap as a result of other changes in their lives, such as finding a new role and destiny in life though being grandparents, or picking up the study you always wanted to do, or career changes, which – especially for men – are likely to happen between 40 and 50. If you are eligeable for a top-management or board position, it will be around that age. To others however it will be a problem, especially if the trap either is directly related to your sexuality or has a large impact on it.

The strong defense wall

From the male point of view – which is what we are talking about here – the first thing you are likely to run into, is the HUGE defense wall your partner will build up, especially when the “trap” has sexual implecations. Most men, even trying to discuss such subjects, at some point, will have heard the “I am not good enough” argument at some point – and frequently more than once. In lots of cases that and the sound of a slamming front door will also be the last thing they hear, because that is where the relationship ends.

While the men feels he’s (trying to be) honest about himself, his partner will feel betrayed and frequently “dumped” and communication is difficult if not entirely impossibe – for a long while and possibly forever. And since the “trap” is not something that has so far been identified very well, finding help or solutions is next to impossible. The two of you will have to sort it out by yourself, one way or another.

This is the time when “affairs” start to happen or when “the internet” comes in – secret virtual meetings in chat rooms, in Internet clubs and many other fora. No, we emphasize it again, THIS IS NOT MID-LIFE CRISIS! It is feeling trapped in your own choices that may not always have been your own and it has nothing to do with hormonal changes or the fact that you are losing hair or virility – even though all that may happen at the same time. The life of most men simply is a long chain of compromizes and choices hat were right at the time but that may turn against him later. Carreer choices, partner choices, financial choices and many others. His prime – self-imposed as a result of social programming – responsibility has always been making money, building and – even more importantly – supporting his family and now that he has done all that he feels he has lost old friends and missed opportunities and discovers that there is more to life than a carreer, financial security and a family to support. His first girlfriend starts to haunt his dreams again, together with old ideas, fishing or hiking trips, the good old sports days and frequently (if he has such a background) the “happy days with his buddies in the army”). All of that of course in a happy and rosy-red perspective.

Looking for footholds

What he is doing is looking for footholds. A combination of three – very important – things:

1. (re)assurance of his choices

2. openings for new possibilities

3. (re)inventing himself

And while he feels alone (since probably no-one will (re)assure him when it comes to his life choices), he feels trapped by the situation he is in – unable to leave his relationship (because he BOTH cannot without severe consequences and probably does not want to), unable to leave his carreer (again because of servere personal and economic consequences and probably not just for himself), physically unable to pick things he used to do (because he’s out of condition) and unable to make room for himself (because of the many social, economical and family obligations AND the defense wall).

So, what to do? He’ll look for footholds. He eventually probably WILL make room for himself and to him that neither feels like betrayal nor as weakness. In fact, it is very likely he will feel this as an important achievement (in other words the “room” may be cheating on his wife, but it doesn’t feel like cheating, it feels like well-deserved personal space).

It doesn’t make any sense – if the “trap” is sexually related, regardless in what way – to come up with solutions like: take up a hobby, find an education or go have a beer with your friends. And he isn’t exactly Al Bundy either. He feels trapped and wants himself and the trap(s) to be taken seriously, quite often regardless the consequences (in other words: divorce).

The long and painful road

But it gets worse. The trap will become a trap by itself. Hardly any man WANTS a divorce, because it goes against everything he has been taught, everything that has been implanted and as a result anything he (thinks he) stands for. To the vast majority of men divorce equals (self)betrayal. So now that he identified the fact that he feels trapped and tries to find a way out or at least discuss it and find understanding, the trap in itself becomes a new, extra trap.

The only way out – except for the drastic methods, such as divorce – is through a long and painful process of communication. A process that is painful and difficult for both partners – however, also inevitable. If he feels trapped, there will be pain (either the pain of the divorce, the pain of a drastic carreer change or the pain of the communication itself). There is no way to avoid it – if the trap is there: face it!

Is there any general advice? No, not much – except maybe the assumption that the one-on-one, ever lasting, happy couple situation is probably not for everybody. In fact, modern divorce statistics show that the “happily ever after” are in fact a minority and may soon be reduced to a “happy few”. On top of that – a lot of aspects of modern society (technological changes, the economic rat race, double income families, the information-overflow and such) only come on top of that and the 1960-slogan “Stop the world, I want to get off” is probably more accurate than ever before.

At the same time: the “traditional relationship” (which in fact isn’t that “traditional” at all, but merely an invention that is only 100 years old) is rapidly replaced by a multitude of relationships: gay, lesbian, non-married couples, poly-armory, living groups, deliberate singles, you name it. Meaning that when it comes to the view of what “a relationship” should be is probably (quite rapidly) changing. Some sociologists even argue that the baby-boomers and former hippies only now start to build the type of relationships the stood for back in the 1960s and 70s. Only history will tell if they are right or wrong. Fact is that there are changes and that, if you feel trapped, you’ll probably have to do something about it.


©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He is the chairman of powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Multi Orgasmic

What does it mean to have “great sex”? Ask a thousand people, and you’ll get a thousand answers. Sex is a complex mix of the physical, the mental and the spiritual, and for each man and woman, the optimal balance is different. For some, brain stimulation- romance, mystery, love, even danger-dominates the sexual encounter; for others, the greatness is all in the technique, the sensations. Sorry, but we’re not going to focus deeply on those things. Instead, we’re going to take one step back. Our perspective is that no matter how you define great sex, you won’t be able to achieve it without plenty of stamina, energy and ejaculatory control. These we can teach you. Any man can become “multi-orgasmic”. It only requires a basic understanding of male sexuality and certain techniques. Most men’s sexuality is focused on the goal of ejaculating, rather than on the actual process of lovemaking and pleasing his Mistress. Once a man becomes multi-orgasmic he will not only be able to better satisfy himself, but also more effectively satisfy his partner/Mistress.

Technically, multiple orgasms occur in succession, without complete loss of sexual arousal in between. Women are blessed with the ability to have multiple orgasms. Not many are aware that men with proper training they can actually do the same. In the case of women, multiple orgasm means resuming sexual stimulation shortly after a first orgasmic climax, usually immediately or within a few minutes, so that a second climax may be reached. If the woman does indeed experience further climaxes during the same sexual encounter, she is said to be multi-orgasmic.

Most men mistakenly believe that being able to regain their erection as soon as possible after ejaculation and reaching another climax within some arbitrary period of time qualifies as being multi-orgasmic. This is false because the true multi-orgasmic male does not lose his erection between orgasms. Multiple male orgasms include only orgasm and not ejaculation. The only exception being, when ejaculation accompanies the final orgasm in a multi-orgasmic experience. Of course, here pubococcygeal muscle is meant. With help of this muscle dogs and cats can move their tails whereas humans can use it only for sex. “You need a lot of different events to occur in the body for ejaculation to happen. “There’s muscle contraction, there’s breathing, there’s pressure you bring to bear on the penis. To a large degree, there are techniques any man can learn so that he can delay his orgasm and enjoy sex for longer periods of time.

Before continuing it would be important to better understand the technical process involved in the “Sexual Arousal Cycle”

1. Excitement Phase

  • Vasocongestion (excessive filling of the blood vessels of a tissue or organ)
  • Erection
  • Increased heart rate
  • Partial testicular elevation and size increase (Tumescence)
  • Nipple erection

2. Plateau Phase

  • Further increase in penis tip size and testicles
  • Full testicular elevation
  • Purple hue on corona (although not always)
  • Cowper’s gland (pre-cum) secretions
  • Hyperventilation

3. Orgasm Phase (Consists of Emission & Ejaculation)

  • Emission
  • Sperm and fluid are expelled from the vas deferens, seminal vesicles and prostate gland, causing seminal fluid to collect at the base of the urethral bulb near the prostate.
  • Myotonia – (muscular rigidity just before the release tension)
  • Blood pressure and respiratory rate increase further.
  • Ejaculatory Inevitability (point of no return) there is a consciousness of imminent ejaculation.
  • Ejaculation
  • Bladder sphincter closes tightly
  • Rhythmic contractions of the prostate, perineal muscles and penile shaft propel semen outward.
  • A slight clouding of consciousness

4. Resolution Phase

  • Erection loss
  • Testes descend and scrotum thins
  • Reversal in Myotonia and Vasocongestion
  • Reduced heart rate and lowered blood pressure.

How are multiple orgasms possible?

The male and female sexual “response cycles” are strikingly similar. The primary difference between the two is male ejaculation. Multi-orgasmic women are able to have successive orgasms if stimulation is resumed shortly after the first orgasm because they do not ejaculate (not withstanding reports that some women are able to ejaculate (as this has never been adequately scientifically explained).

Ejaculation initiates the refractory period in males. During this time, most men are unable to achieve another erection or even receive further stimulation due to the loss of sexual tension and the penis is usually too sensitive to touch. Since women are not biologically programmed to ejaculate, they do not have this annoying feature and are able to learn about and achieve multiple orgasms much easier than men.

The first key to understanding how men can have multiple orgasms is to understand that orgasm and ejaculation are distinct events, which one can learn to distinguish and separate. Most men have always accepted orgasm and ejaculation as one in the same because they happen in such rapid succession, orgasm beginning slightly before (ejaculation) then tapering off during ejaculation.

The second key to navigating the path to multiple orgasm is gaining the ability to separate orgasm and ejaculation.

The ability to separate these events involves the pubococcygeal muscle, or pelvic floor muscle, or “PC muscle” as it’s more commonly known. You may know this muscle for its ability to stop the flow of urine in mid-stream. If stopping the flow is difficult, you have a weak PC muscle. If this is the case you will need to work on strengthening the PC muscle before you’ll be able to have multiple orgasms. If you squeeze or contract the PC muscle you should feel like everything deep in your pelvis is being drawn upward.

Here are the signs that you need to know if you need to make your pubococcygeal (pc) muscle stronger.

  • A. If stopping the flow of your urine is difficult, then you have a weak pc muscle.
  • B. If you have poor posture, then you may have a weak pc muscle.
  • C. You can not have intercourse longer than 3 minutes before ejaculating.
  • D. Urine leakage when you sneeze or cough.

First off we will start with breathing

Breathing Exercises:

Sit in a comfortable position relaxing the shoulders. Place hands on the abdomen, just below the belly button. Inhale deeply. Breathing deeply through the nose, so that the belly pushes out. Exhale fully. Exhale to a point to a point of which the belly contracts back to the spine. The pelvis and testicles may feel as if they are pulling up slightly. Repeat this exercise from 9 to 36 times.

Squeeze and pull down:

The next exercise. Masturbate until you feel you are about to cum. At this moment you should stop, have a rest for 30 seconds. After than you should continue masturbating. Other variant is this: as soon as you feel you are reaching orgasm, squeeze the head of the penis or pull down the scrotum. Thus you will learn to have so called “dry orgasms”, i.e. orgasms without ejaculation. Truly speaking “dry” orgasms are not as strong as “wet”, but they do have advantages. First of all you do not lose erection and you can continue performing intercourse for as long time as needed. Secondly, the final, “wet” will be fantastic! You’ll be astonished by orgasmic sensations!

Preparing yourself:

Having multiple orgasms as a male is pretty remarkable, but it will take a great deal of preparation. As mentioned earlier, one of the first steps is to discover the PC muscle. It’s essential to become intimately familiar with this muscle in order to learn to control it very precisely. Some of this control will come with experience, but most will come by strengthening it through regular exercise. Once it’s been discovered where it is (most easily while urinating), it can be exercised anywhere, without anyone knowing. “Masturbation can help you to learn what your limits are. You can determine what feels good and what feels too good, to the point of losing control,” Masturbation also helps you control ejaculation another way. If you masturbate within a few hours of when you think you’re going to have sex, you’ll take the edge off your anticipation and be able to go longer. Practicing: You can begin experimenting on your own at first (while masturbating).

Master your feelings:

One of the best ways to practice ejaculatory control is by yourself. Make yourself comfortable and then begin masturbating as you might normally. Stop just before you reach the point of no return (the point where you would ejaculate). Contract (squeeze) and hold your PC muscle for a count of ten. Allow yourself relax and take a few minutes break. Begin masturbating again, this time bringing yourself just a bit closer to the point of no return, again contracting your PC muscle. Continue masturbating while paying very special attention to your own state of arousal and emotional feelings. The key here is to learn more about your own sexual response so that down the road you’ll be more in control of it.

Stopping “right” before ejaculation

Continue masturbating, except this time; keep going until you reach orgasm. Right as you orgasm you should notice several contractions that signal the beginning of ejaculation in the base of your penis and perhaps even deeper inside your pelvis. As these contractions begin or preferably just before (but still during the orgasm), stop all stimulation to the penis and squeeze the PC muscle tight. You’ll probably feel yourself trying to ejaculate, but hold it back! Squeezing your PC muscle effectively shuts off your ejaculation, if you are successful, and erases the refractory period.

A small amount semen may seep out, but not with any of the force you might normally experience during an unrestrained singular orgasm. If you were able to hold off ejaculating after your orgasm, start masturbating again now. It should feel as though you are still very aroused, not like you just ejaculated. You should be able to continue for a short time until you have another orgasm. If you were unable to keep from ejaculating the first time, either your PC muscle isn’t strong enough yet or you squeezed it at the wrong time. If you begin squeezing too late after the ejaculatory contractions have already begun, it is nearly impossible to shut stop the process completely. With practice you will learn the timing.

Partnering:

There are many possible techniques you can use to greatly increase your success in becoming multi-orgasmic. Perhaps the greatest technique you can practice is to share your experiences in becoming a multi-orgasmic man with your romantic partner. If you are eventually successful, this can be a wonderful opportunity for you to significantly increase the pleasure you both receive during lovemaking.

Don’t desensitize:

Most guys try to hold off as long as they can by focusing on something other than sex-usually something mundane such as baseball stats or going down the list of chores you have to do around the house. This is the wrong way to go about it. “You might think you’re avoiding ejaculating, but what you’re really doing is cheating yourself out of the pleasure of sex. Don’t distract yourself. Concentrate on the feeling of your partner’s body against your body,” At first, this may make ejaculatory control a bit iffy. “But ultimately, you’ll find it makes your control stronger. You’ll get better with practice

Be a lord of the rings:

If you and your partner are not opposed to the idea of sex toys and other equipment, consider investing eight or ten dollars in a penis ring or some times called cockrings , a constrictive device that you slide or snap over the base of the penis. Similar devices are available from medical supply houses but should only be used under the direction of your physician, according to Dr. Whitehead who I contacted from the erection clinic. The ring traps blood in the penis and helps you maintain hard erections for longer periods of time. They also have the side benefit of blocking ejaculation, he adds. Two caveats: Don’t wear it for longer than 20 to 30 minutes at a time-cutting off blood flow to the penis for too long can cause tissue damage. Also, you may find that ejaculating while wearing the ring may cause a retrograde ejaculation: Semen can’t travel via its normal route, so it backwashes into the bladder. It’s not harmful, but you might find it uncomfortable.

Overcoming problems:

Undoubtedly the biggest obstacle most men will report when trying to become multi-orgasmic is failure to squeeze their PC muscle sufficiently during orgasm to ward off ejaculation. You may feel some contractions, but do not stop squeezing at this point because a few ejaculatory contractions are likely even if you are successful in eventually stopping them. If you are successful, the contractions will stop before you ejaculate and you should be able to resume stimulation without a loss of sensitivity, as would be present during the refractory period after ejaculation.

Another common problem many men may report with these techniques is failing to determine exactly where the boundaries of plateau, orgasm, and ejaculation begin and end. If you cannot determine the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, a key to becoming multi-orgasmic, you can only succeed by accident and not intentionally.

Some men may try to stimulate themselves very quickly and rigorously, and this is not the best way to become aware of your personal level of sexual awareness. Taking the stimulation slower rather than faster will allow you to discover your personal boundaries between arousal, plateau, and orgasm more easily. With these discoveries you will have a much greater chance of learning when to squeeze your PC muscle, when to stop stimulation, and when to relax your PC muscle and resume stimulation to experience another orgasm.

Pelvic pressure after arousal. Pressure in the pelvic area is a natural result of increased blood flow into the genital area. If the level of this pressure is uncomfortable, it will be helpful to breathe deeply, elevate the lower extremities and massage the perineum and testicles lightly. This will help the body assimilate the energy from the testicles to the rest of the body. It would be best also to stay in a reclined position for 5 – 10 minutes.

Other Benefits:

It is quite possible that if you have other sexual problems such as premature ejaculation, learning to become multi-orgasmic will help you tremendously during lovemaking. Not only will you be able to greatly prolong the session by suppressing ejaculation until you choose, but you will be free to release your worries and anxiety and focus more on pleasing your partner. The list of positive effects can be nearly endless!

Age:

Some men may wonder if age can have any effect on the chances of success in becoming multi-orgasmic. There’s no reason why sexually mature men of all ages shouldn’t see the same high rate of success, assuming they are sexually active and have a high level of personal sexual awareness. A strong pubococcygeal muscle gives more blood to the genitals making erections come more easily If you have no trouble reaching singular orgasms either by yourself or with a partner, then learning how to become multi-orgasmic may only be a matter of patience, determination, and effort. If you do have trouble having singular orgasms or opening up sexually with yourself and your partner, however, then perhaps there are other issues that you need to deal with before multiple orgasms will be a possibility for you. This guide is not prepared to address any problems with orgasms beyond the relatively simple matters discussed in this section. If you are experiencing more serious problems, please consider consulting your healthcare provider or a therapist. They should be able to provide you with the professional advice that we are not equipped to handle.

Ancient Ideas:

The concept of being a multi-orgasmic male is not new at all. Ancient Chinese philosophers called Taoists, have known about this and many other profound sexual concepts and practices thousands of years ago. Many of these sexual secrets remain surprisingly unknown, even now in the age of sexual awareness and liberation. Despite the fact that during the 1940s and 1950s several sex researchers in the West studied and confirmed the ability of males to experience multiple orgasms. Even at present, the amount of sexual ignorance, misdirection, and confusion is astonishing.

In Closing:

The bottom line is that your ability to have multiple orgasms depends on your overall sexual awareness, and the strength and control of your PC muscle among many other factors. As with all noteworthy achievements, this is not something that can necessarily be accomplished all at once. While reading this guide and having multiple orgasms in one night is certainly possible, you should understand that it could take several weeks or even months before you succeed. Your results will depend on your own personal effort and determination. The problem is remembering to do them. After all, it’s not like there’s a Kegelcisor exercise machine sitting in your living room or basement, reminding you to do your sexercises. So here’s a short list of tips to remind you of the simplicity and beauty of Kegels, which you can do anytime, anywhere. (Kegel prounced like bagel but with a K)

Kegels and bagels:

Ah, breakfast, the most important meal of the day. And no better time to start your daylong Kegel routine. Clench your PC muscles with every bite you take of breakfast. Try to hold the clench for as long as it takes you to sip and swallow a mouthful of coffee.

Kegel and Hegel:

The German philosopher claimed that reality was based in ideas, not in things. Remember that as you’re explaining your ideas at the next meeting. And take a minute to ground yourself in your own reality. Do a few quick PC clenches while your boss is mulling your ideas over. Heck, he might be doing the same thing.

Kegel and finagle:

Buying a new car, but don’t feel like paying new car prices? Or maybe you’re at the local flea market, trying to get that antique dresser for a steal. It doesn’t matter; just remember to clench while you’re trying to clinch that deal. Even if your finagling doesn’t get you the price you want, your ejaculatory muscles-and your partner-will consider it time well-spent even is the cash wasn‘t well spent *grins*.

Kegels and Eagles:

Jets, Cowboy’s Raider, swans or hawks. Yes, even when you appear to the entire world to be a couch potato, absorbed in the afternoon game, you know that you’re working to gain yardage in the great gridiron of your bedroom. Do a Kegel every time the teams come to the line of scrimmage. Hold the clench for the duration of every pass or kick. And every time someone makes a touchdown (or mark a goal for footy fans); do as many as you can in the space of a couple seconds. In the game of sex, there are players and there are punters. Be a player.

Kegels and weasels:

When you’re trying to weasel your way out of a request your Mistress has made upon you, work that Kegel, the effort will pay off, concentrating on your Kegels will also focus you on your Mistress, with the added bonus of making your task time more interesting.

Kegel and Nagel:

You’re wandering around the local art museum, trying to make sense of paintings that appear to defy all reason for existence, but your Mistress loves the art. When the gallery before your eyes doesn’t meet your high artistic standards, summon up a vision of the Birth of Venus, or a nice marble statue of an ample Italian beauty or the smooth, electric lines of a Nagel nude. Kegel your way past the modern art. If you see something that catches your eye, hold the clench for as long as you can. Think of the strokes you’ll be adding later to the great masterpiece that is your sex life. Now, that’s art. Good luck, practice practice practice!!!!!!!!

Article MissBonnie Feb 2008 © CollarNcuffs.com

related reading:

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

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Unsafe sexual practices include, but are not limited to:

banana covered in lube

Table of Contents

The passing of any bodily fluid or material from one individual to another.

This first and most basic practice includes virtually all sexual activity, therefore, in order to engage in a normal sex life, one must use circumspect caution about what activities are acceptable and with whom.

If you have a lover and have known this person for a protracted period and both of you have reasonable assurances that neither of you have strayed to assignations with outsiders, and if you both take HIV tests regularly (twice a year), then the likelihood that that either of you will infect the other is virtually nil. But, even in this very cautious hypothetical example you still could contract type C hepatitis if your sexplay includes ingestion of feces or vomitus. (For some people it does.) Or, in a less extreme variant, a long dormant herpetic infection might appear and transfer without notice.

The question naturally arises: “What are safe sexual practices?” This is a tricky question to answer. The problem comes from the mounds of legal liability that return to haunt anyone who has the chutzpah to step forward and declare some practice to be safe. There are many lists of do’s and dont’s that are so specific that they can never address the plethora of human sexual experiences. In practice, safety becomes a matter of common sense.

While oral sex, including the swallowing of semen, has lately been considered by many self-appointed authorities to not be a vehicle for HIV, if you spend your days kneeling naked in the men’s room of a porno store taking on all comers, you would be engaging in an unsafe practice. There are people who behave this way and they risk infection from all manner of STD’s as well as other diseases which are transmitted via urine, skin and blood. This leads us to the second unsafe sexual practice:

Engaging in sexual contact with multiple partners and with unknown partners

The numbers will eventually get you. It’s a lottery and you stand a better chance of winning (losing really) if you have 365 entries a year instead of 3 or 4. You need to pick your partners carefully, and what you find out over cocktails in two hours will simply not be enough information. Offering yourself as a Bukkake target in a bath house may sound thrilling as a fantasy, but it brings real dangers along for the reality ride. Of course, you might do stuff like this for years with no adverse results. Some people buy lottery tickets every week and never win either, but odds playing is a form of gambling, and at least in Lotto, you are only out a buck. Next to masturbation, frottage (rubbing someones genitals through the clothing) is the least dangerous activity, although you could get a rash. Lying naked together and manipulating each others genitals is usually OK, but penises get drippy and vaginas get wet and it all rubs off onto you. This may not be a problem unless you have a teeny tiny cut on your skin, or a rash, which then becomes an access point to your circulatory system. Licking and sucking are a major part of sex, and for the most part, healthy saliva and a generous dose of stomach acid will act as a bar to most viruses. If you recently flossed, however, you might have made a gum bleed a little and then, there’s that superhighway again, right into your body. Everything discussed to this point simply requires your judicious screening of the candidate for your sexual fun. It would not be smart to tempt fate by giving head to a guy you just met on the day you had a wisdom tooth extracted. However, most people get to play at least to the oral stage without having to face death, if they are careful.

After this, things get a bit dicey. Deposits into the vagina and into the anal cavity are like injections into your body. These areas are rich in blood vessels and are uniquely equipped to engage in chemical transfers into the bloodstream. The penis is also a blood filled organ that easily suffers friction injuries. Ergo:

Penetrating the vagina and anus without a condom

This is a premier way to transfer any STD. Condoms are cheap, easy to use and do not impede sexual frenzy. In fact, virtually nothing impedes sexual frenzy. Latex and poly condoms protect against HIV, genital herpes, and pregnancy. Natural lambskin condoms (like Fourex Brand) are good only against conception. Their membranes will pass disease. If you are unsure, read the package! Many people engage in the practice of barebacking. It is unsafe, unless you know the history of your partner. Always use a rubber and be (relatively) certain.

Taking anything into your body, by mouth or other orifice, compromises the integrity of your person. We take it so for granted by breathing, drinking, eating all the time, that we are not focused on the idea that we may be poisoned. Poisoning isn’t only the realm of an old witch with a green potion. It can come in the form of a hot load from a hard cock, and be very desirable to you until the full effects are known. Therefore, we come to this last unsafe practice:

Openly engaging in sex without first clutching to your intellect.

This article on “Unsafe sexual practices” incorporates some text from Wikipedia. Article by MissBonnie CollarNcuffs.com ©

Related Articles:

Safe sex practices – Safe sex practice
Condoms – dedicated to the prevention of AIDS/HIV.

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Safe Sex

safe sex banana with condom on it

Table of Contents

Terminology

Recently, and mostly within the United States, the use of the term safer sex rather than safe sex has gained greater use by health workers, with the realization the grounds that risk of transmission of sexually-transmitted infections in various sexual activities is a continuum rather than a simple dichotomy between risky and safe. However, in most other countries, including the United Kingdom and Australia, the term safe sex is still mainly used by sex educators. Because these terms are virtually synonymous with each other, they will be used interchangeably throughout this article.

Focus on AIDS

Much attention has focused on controlling HIV, which causes AIDS, through the use of condoms, but each STI presents a different predicament. However, sex educators recommend that some form of barrier protection as a harm reduction measure should be used for all sexual activities which might potentially result in the exchange of body fluids.

Safe sex precautions

(also see unsafe sex practices)

Abstinence

Sexual abstinence, while it virtually eliminates the risk of STIs or pregnancy, is technically not a method of pursuing “safer sex”. Solitary masturbation (including so-called “phone sex” and “cybersex”) is also completely safe.

Controlling social factors

  • Outside of total abstinence and masturbation, proponents of safer sex recommend that some of the following methods can minimize the risks of STI transmission and pregnancy during sexual activity.
  • Monogamy. However, be aware that many monogamous people have been infected with sexually-transmitted diseases by non-monogamous partners, partners who use injection drugs, or previously infected partners.
  • Knowing your partner(s), especially their STI status.
  • Treating existing STIs and infections of the genitals or mouth (which may increase the chance of transmission).

Communicating with your partner. Being assertive in saying what you want and don’t want. This includes discussing beforehand what is acceptable and what is not to avoid “heat of passion” decisions

  • For those who are not monogamous, reducing your number of sexual partners, particularly anonymous sexual partners, will also reduce your potential exposure to STIs.
  • Not using recreational drugs, including alcohol, in a way that increases the likelihood you will be negligent of other safer sex guidelines.
  • Preventing fluid exchange:Avoiding any contact with blood, vaginal fluid, and semen of the partner:Use condoms. Condoms cover the penis during sexual activity. They are most frequently made of latex, but can also be made out of polyurethane for those who have a latex allergy, or they can be made out of animal intestine. Polyurethane is thought to be a safe material for use in condoms, since it is nonporous and viruses cannot pass through it. However, there is less research on its effectiveness than there is on latex. Any condoms made out of animal skin or intestine, such as Trojan NaturaLamb, are not thought to be safe because they are porous and viruses such as HIV can pass through them.

Female condom.

This condom is inserted into the vagina prior to intercourse. It is also sometimes used for anal sex. Dental dam. A sheet of latex (originally used for dentistry) for protection when engaging in oral sex. It is typically used as a barrier between the mouth and the vagina during cunnilingus or between the mouth and the anus during anilingus. A piece of plastic wrap (such as Saran™ wrap) may also be used as a dental dam; Saran™ wrap has been tested by the FDA and CDC and found effective in preventing the transmission of virus-sized particles, although “microwave-safe” wrap may be ineffective. Latex condoms may also be cut to form an improvised dental dam. Medical gloves. Gloves made out of latex, vinyl, nitrile, or polyurethane may be used as dental dams during oral sex, or to protect the hands during mutual masturbation. Hands may have invisible cuts on them that may admit pathogens that are found in semen or vaginal fluid. Although the risk of infection in this manner is thought to be low, some people use gloves as an extra precaution. Gloves also make mutual masturbation more comfortable by preventing sharp fingernails from accidentally scratching the genitalia. Another way to avoid contact with blood and semen is outercourse (non-penetrative sex), or forms of penetration that do not involve a penis, such as the use of dildos (when cleaned or covered with condoms).

Ineffective methods

Note that most methods of contraception (birth control) other than the barrier methods mentioned above are not effective at preventing the spread of STIs.

The spermicide Nonoxynol-9 has been claimed to reduce the likelihood of STI transmission. However a recent study by the World Health Organisation~ http://www.who.int/en/ has shown that Nonoxynol-9 is an irritant and can produce tiny tears in mucous membranes, which may increase the risk of transmission by offering pathogens more easy points of entry into the system. As a result condoms with a Nonoxynol-9 lubricant are not to be promoted. However it is better to use a condom with Nonoxynol-9 than no condom at all.

Coitus interruptus (or “pulling out”), in which the penis is removed from the vagina, anus, or mouth before ejaculation, is not safe sex and can result in STI transmission or pregnancy. This is because of the formation of pre-ejaculate, a fluid (which may contain sperm) that oozes from the urethra before actual ejaculation. In addition, open sores on either partner can permit transmission Also see unsafe sex practices, Facts were current at time of publishing.

This article on “safe sexual practices” incorporates some text from Wikipedia. article by MissBonnie © Collarncuffs.com

Related Articles:

Unsafe sex practices – Unsafe Femdom practices
Condoms – dedicated to the prevention of AIDS/HIV.

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Myths

Table of Contents

MYTH: BDSM is abuse.

FACT:  BDSM is not abuse. The participants in BDSM are loving, caring, communicative, consensual adult partners that know the risks of what they do and the pleasures they can receive from doing them.  The actions used in consensual BDSM are negotiated, involve the communication of limits and boundaries that are not to be crossed and instill the use of a safeword that stops all action as soon as it is spoken. Everything is fully agreed upon by all parties involved.
Abuse is a pattern of controlling and manipulating the actions, thoughts and life of another person without their consent. The tactics of control (physical abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, economic abuse, and/or sexual abuse) used by batterers are not used in the context of a consensual, negotiated BDSM relationship and cannot be stopped with a safeword.
BDSM is Safe, Sane and CONSENSUAL…..Abuse is NEVER consensual.

MYTH: BDSM is all about pain

FACT: The assumption that it is all about pain is because that is the most prominent and the most conflicted with mainstream thought. Pain isn’t enjoyable to all people and you don’t have to enjoy pain to be into BDSM. Maybe you only like bondage, or maybe it’s the power exchange that you are really drawn to. Either way it doesn’t have to involve pain at all. For those that it does involve pain, they also enjoy other aspects of the BDSM lifestyle.
People are wired differently. Studies have shown that sexual arousal stimulates endorphin production (naturally occurring hormone that masks pain and produces feelings of euphoria). That production can also be stimulated by BDSM. This gives rise to the concept of pleasure/pain. Some submissives get enjoyment in the thought that they are accepting pain for their Dominant. Others simply enjoy the heavy sensations. They can often go quite a long time and can achieve an endorphin high that is remarkably similar to orgasm.  Almost all of BDSM play is not about the pain, but the excitement that comes from the sensation of the pain and mentally pushing past those barriers to reach that state of total bliss.
BDSM is about enjoyment, stimulation, pleasure, and most of all, trust.  It is about eliciting emotions through activities that may appear harmful but are actually carefully orchestrated.  BDSM is never done with the intent to harm or endanger and never done in anger or times of stress.
While some players seek pain in a manner that is pleasurable to them, many other players seek sensations and stimulation through a variety of other forms of BDSM. The range of actions in BDSM is quite broad and most participants do not enjoy all of the activities or roles. In fact, many BDSM practitioners prefer cross-dressing, bondage, mild spankings and control, known as Dominance and submission. For many it is being able to give up control and be under the will of another that gives them the most pleasure.

MYTH:People in BDSM are into pain and like to hurt each other.

FACT: BDSM activities are regulated between partners by means of intense negotiation, the setting of limits and activities partners will not engage in and the use of safewords.
Part of the allure of BDSM is the appearance of danger. Partners may be bound, harsh looking implements are utilized and emotions may run high.  However, BDSM practices are performed in such a way that the element of danger, while still present in appearance, is practically eliminated.  Partners – even casual partners – have respect and care for each other, and work together to avoid physical and emotional trauma.
While the use of a BDSM ‘toy’ or ‘implement’ may look painful, pain is perceived differently from person to person. A light flogging may be too intense for one person, while a heavy flogging may be perfect for someone else.  Some people who practice BDSM are truly into pain, but the majority of practitioners utilize increasing doses of strong physical sensation through BDSM activities to accomplish a higher goal – the production of those endorphins within the body!  The intensity of the sensations are carefully controlled by communication between partners in order to assure the submissive partner’s comfort and to prevent the experience of unwanted pain.

MYTH: People who engage in BDSM were all abused as children.

FACT:  While this seems to be an assumption made mostly by psychologists or counselors, there is no documented proof that BDSM activities, or the desire to engage in them, come from childhood abuse or trauma.  Like all communities, there is usually a small percentage of individuals for whom this may be true, but for the majority, it is not, and sweeping generalizations tend to further stigmatize our diverse needs.
While some people who practice BDSM may be survivors of childhood abuse there are many more that have never experienced abuse in childhood or in adulthood. There is no cause and effect relationship between childhood abuse and becoming a BDSM practitioner.

MYTH: Only gay men practice anal sex.

FACT: A person’s interest in anal play has nothing to do with attraction to the same sex. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation or gender identity, and every thing to with enjoyment of the sensations created. People in the BDSM lifestyle can be Gay, Straight, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender, just as Vanilla people can be any of those as well. Both men and women engage in anal play in the BDSM Femdom lifestyle. Just as sexual orientation is who you are, the desire to engage in anal play is also who you are and what you need to be. Partnerships range from Male Dom/male sub to Male Dom/female sub to Female Domme/male sub to Female Domme/female sub.

MYTH: The Dominant partner is a control freak.

FACT: People who take on a Dominant role in BDSM / Femdom like to engage in CONSENSUAL control of a partner for the partner’s pleasure.  Dominants negotiate with their partners and then engage in the type of ‘control’ their partner desires.Don’t confuse Dominant with domineering. A domineering person is somebody overbearing who likes to control others all the time, whether the other person likes it or not.In BDSM, the submissive willingly gives up the control to the Dominant, who takes that control, combines it with his own energy and redirects it back to the sub. Each gives up something to the other so that, together, they can achieve the pleasures they are both looking for.  

MYTH: I am a Mistress, so everyone must respect me.

FACT: Says who? Anybody can give themselves a title. It’s what we do and how we handle ourselves that defines us. This is not about giving yourself a title, it’s about the attitude behind the title. Which would mean more?… someone calling you Master / Mistress because you ordered them to; or calling you Master / Mistress because they respect you for your love, honor, compassion and integrity? 
Ultimately submissives have the final say. They can submit or not, they can give respect or refuse you.  No one deserves a rank or title just because they hold the Dominant role or because they say so. Respect is earned, not assumed. A Mistress who has to demand respect, has not earned it and is therefore not truly deserving of it.

MYTH:The submissive partner is weak.

FACT: Not by a long shot! The majority of submissives involved in BDSM /Femdom are strong, self-sufficient individuals, who have intense and high-powered occupations. They feel the need to practice the submissive role because it is a means of escape for them from having to make decisions. It is very common to find lawyers, doctors, CEO’s and politicians who practice the submissive role. They know what they want and participate of their own free will. There are a lot more submissives on the scene than Dominants.
This is probably one of the biggest myths about the BDSM/Femdom lifestyle. The vanilla society perceives submission to be a weakness because they do not understand the dynamics of submission. The opposite is what is true.  It takes a very strong person to trust completely in another person to the point of turning control of their body, mind, heart and life over to them. In fact, being a submissive and being able to trust someone like this, makes them even stronger and more confident. It is indeed one of the strongest things a person can do.
Men who are submissives, are especially some of the strongest and most confident in the lifestyle. They are able to come to a Dominant and fully submit when the world around them tells them they should be in control. They are able to take down the walls that they put up for the outside world and become who they truly wish and need to be.

MYTH: All submissives are expected to act a certain way.

FACT: Why? If everyone was the same, this would be a very boring world indeed.  The best way to act for all participants, whether Dominant or submissive, is to be yourself. Submissives don’t all come prepackaged from a BDSM/ Femdom training camp!
Submissives in a relationship would be expected to act how their Master has trained them to act. This varies from couple to couple. To each their own, there is no right or wrong. Unattached submissives should be polite and courteous, as this will go a long way towards finding a Dominant and getting that play date.
At private clubs, submissives are expected to act a certain way, as are Dominants, but everyone should know that going in. Some clubs can be pretty formal, but most tend to be more laid back. As long as the club rules and safe-sane-consensual are followed at all times, everyone is allowed to do their thing. Some couples are very formal, while others prefer to be more relaxed. Neither is necessarily right, just different. Private club rules have to be followed, but they would never try to squash a person’s individuality.

MYTH: BDSM is all about sex.

FACT: BDSM can be intensely sensual, but it doesn’t have to be intensely sexual. To say that sex never occurs in BDSM is a lie. It’s just that it doesn’t have to. BDSM play is sexual for some but this is not true for everyone. There are some who practice BDSM who do not experience any sexual arousal. Many people have wonderful, high as a kite experiences without any sexual contact at all. They find that endorphin high through the broad variety of BDSM activities.
Being in the scene also doesn’t mean you are automatically going to get laid. Using a position in the scene to coerce sex, non consensually, is NOT what BDSM is all about.

MYTH: People who engage in BDSM Femdom are all promiscuous.

FACT: Just like in all communities, there are some members of the BDSM Femdom community who are a bit freer with their bodies and will engage in any type of activity with just about anyone, but the majority of people within the BDSM community, especially those who are married or in long term relationships, are monogamous in one way or another.
Some partners are completely monogamous – they do not play or have sex with any other people in any way whatsoever. Other partners will engage in physical play, like flogging, spanking, or teasing with others, but will not engage in any type of sexual activities with them.  And others will engage in physical play and some sexual activities, but not anal or vaginal penetrative sexual activities.

MYTH: BDSMers are all people who live on the fringes of society.

FACT:  It is believed that because BDSM isn’t widely accepted that the only people who participate are lower class, criminal types, secretive people and others that aren’t accepted in mainstream openly. This is simply not true. The need to be involved in BDSM is in your blood, it is the way a person is wired. There are very prominent people into BDSM, from all walks of life, all over the world.
No one is excluded. BDSM practitioners are lawyers, doctors, politicians, teachers and businessmen.  We are students, housewives, waiters, members of the PTA and that nice teller at the bank.  We go to church, spend holidays with our families and laugh at silly comedies. We have probably treated you at your local hospital, waited on you at the grocery store and walked past you on the street. We are just like everyone else.

This myth is prevalent because so many people have to keep their sexuality a secret because of the negative repercussions of society. Discrimination is still strong when it comes to BDSM, mostly because people don’t understand it and don’t want to understand it. It is not abuse, it is not violence. So many states still rule BDSM and Femdom behavior as assault and that pushes people even further into secrecy.
It’s who we are, not where we came from or what we do that should matter in our lives. But sadly, ignorance towards BDSM/Femdom runs rampant in this world.

Resource Article : MissBonnie

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