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October 1, 2024October 1, 2024

Submissive Rules: A Complete Guide to Setting Rules for Male Subs (With Examples)

Introduction to Submissive Rules in Femdom BDSM Relationships

Submissive rules play a pivotal role in Femdom BDSM (Female Dominant) relationships, serving as the cornerstone for establishing a controlled and consensual dynamic between the Dominant and the submissive. These rules are not mere guidelines but are instead carefully crafted regulations that define the behavior, responsibilities, and boundaries within the relationship. They help create a structured environment where both parties can engage in their respective roles with clarity and mutual understanding.

Just so we’re all on the same page, rules for a subs are expectations of duties, tasks or services you want your submissive to perform on a regular basis, without you explicitly having to tell them.
They are set by the Domme, creating a somewhat of a structure to the relationship.
Rules create a proactive envoirment and not a reactive one (not waiting to be told, instructed or ordered to)
Rules are varied, depend upon your style of dominance and submission, and any list of rules you create will naturally evolve over time. In my time, our rules have morphed tens of times. Some have stayed the same.
Less rules are easier to maintain consistency. Consistency is what submissive crave.

The significance of submissive rules in Femdom BDSM relationships cannot be overstated. For the Femdom, these rules provide a framework to exercise control, ensure compliance, and enhance the overall power dynamic. For the submissive, the rules offer a clear sense of purpose and direction, allowing them to better focus on pleasing and serving their Dominant. Through these explicitly defined expectations, both parties can navigate their roles more effectively, which in turn fosters a deeper level of trust, respect, and intimacy. This helps to create the power exchange.

Furthermore, these rules are crucial for establishing boundaries and ensuring safety within the relationship. By clearly laying out what is allowed/permissible and what is not, both the Dominant and the submissive can engage in their dynamic without fear of overstepping boundaries or encountering unexpected situations. This level of transparency is essential for maintaining consent and preventing any potential misunderstandings or conflicts.

Whether you are new to the Femdom BDSM scene or an experienced practitioner, this guide will provide you with valuable insights and practical tips on creating an effective and enjoyable set of submissive rules for your male submissive. From basic rules on daily behavior to more intricate protocols for specific scenarios, our comprehensive guide aims to help you foster a respectful, fulfilling, and consensual power dynamic in your Femdom BDSM relationship.

Understanding Submissive Rules

Submissive rules are fundamental components within a dominant-submissive (D/s) relationship, intended to establish clear boundaries and expectations for the submissive partner. At their core, these rules are designed to promote discipline, obedience, and trust between the dominant (Domme) and submissive (sub). By providing a framework within which the sub operates, submissive rules ensure a structured environment that can foster growth and mutual understanding.

It is important to differentiate between rules and commands in the context of a D/s relationship. Rules are pre-established guidelines that the submissive is expected to adhere to consistently. They cover various aspects of behavior and interaction, ensuring that the sub maintains a certain level of conduct and conformity. Commands, on the other hand, are specific directives given by the Domme, often requiring immediate action or response. While commands may be temporary or situational, rules are ongoing and persistent, forming the bedrock of behavioral expectations.

Commands you give are one-off instructions which only apply then and there.
For example, “you’re cooking dinner tonight pick three recipes for me to choose from” is a command. It’s situational depending upon your wants as a Dominant at that moment in time.
However, if you find yourself wanting your sub to cook for you often, then you can make this command into a formal rule such as
Every Friday you should text me three meal choices, and once I’ve chosen, you’ll cook it for me that evening.

The primary purpose of submissive rules is to provide structure and support, enabling the sub to thrive within the relationship. These rules serve as a guiding compass, defining acceptable actions and behaviors while reinforcing the dynamic power exchange between the Domme and sub. When implemented thoughtfully, submissive rules not only promote obedience and discipline but also bolster the sub’s sense of security and trust in the Dominants leadership.

Furthermore, these rules can encompass a wide range of areas, from daily routines and personal care to communication protocols and specific rituals. By adhering to such rules, subs demonstrate their commitment to the relationship and their willingness to surrender control to their Dom. Ultimately, a well-crafted set of submissive rules can help cultivate a deep, fulfilling bond, where both partners feel respected, valued, and deeply connected.

Here’s another example. The command “Tonight you will pleasure me with your tongue” could become any number of rules:
If you wake up before me on the weekend, you should lick me till I tell you to stop!
If I’m watching TV and remove my panties, you are expected to lick me until I say you can stop.
When I return home your first words should be “would Mistress like an Orgasm?”
These are all rules because they happen each and every time the situation arises without exception.

Who Are Submissive Rules Really For?

Submissive rules play a pivotal role in the dynamic between Dominants and their submissives, particularly male subs. These guidelines are not arbitrarily set but thoughtfully crafted to bring out the best in both participants of a consensual power exchange relationship. Understanding who benefits from submissive rules is instrumental in appreciating their value and function.

For male subs, submissive rules serve as a foundation that provides clear expectations and a sense of security. By knowing exactly what is expected of them, subs can fully immerse themselves in their role, reducing ambiguity and potential stress. These rules outline the behaviors, actions, and responsibilities that are acceptable, helping subs to navigate their dynamic with confidence and clarity. The sense of accountability and structure can also be profoundly fulfilling for subs, as it reaffirms their commitment to the relationship and their Dominant. This structure often leads to personal growth, as it challenges subs to meet and occasionally surpass the set expectations.

Conversely, Dominants also reap significant benefits from the establishment of submissive rules. These rules provide a structured framework through which Dominants can exert control, manage behavior, and enhance the dynamics of the relationship. With clear guidelines in place, Dominants can focus on leading and nurturing their subs without the noise of uncertainty and miscommunication. The rules act as a tool for reinforcing authority and ensuring that the relationship aligns with the consensual power dynamics both parties have agreed upon. This structure also serves as a touchstone, allowing Dominants to address any deviations from established norms in a manner that is fair yet firm.

Overall, submissive rules are for both the Dominant and the submissive, forming the backbone of a healthy, consensual relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, and shared objectives. They ensure that both parties’ needs and boundaries are met while fostering an environment of trust and growth. The implementation of these rules solidifies the relationship dynamic, making it more resilient and rewarding for everyone involved.

You might think the rules you give to your submissive are designed to make him/her do what you want. That’s partly true, but doesn’t capture the entire essence of what their purpose is

SOME rules are just that. Things that make your life as a dominant easier, as well as things you want sexually.

However, you should also remember that your role as a dominant is to care for and help your sub grow as a person. And therefore you probably want some rules for your sub which are designed to encourage that.

For example, a basic sub rule that only addresses your pleasure might be:

When I return home from work I expect a glass of water/coffee/beverage of choice to be waiting for me.

Whereas a rule designed to nurture her as a person might be:

At least once a week you should spend an hour alone reading your favourite book.

This rule would be perfect for a submissive who is unable to switch off, gets stressed easily, or is not good at taking care of himself because he is constantly making sure you, and other people, are cared for.

You may also want rules which serve to grow your relationship.

Every Sunday evening you will write down three things that could be improved in our relationship and read them to me.

This would help you understand where you might be able to improve aspects of yourself, things which you may not be able to see without another’s perspective.

So remember, rules you give your submissive don’t only have to be sexual and for your pleasure. They may also:

Help him/her relax
Help you notice areas you could improve upon
Identify relationship weaknesses to improve
Help him/her achieve what they wants in life
Calm and relax him/her
Keep him/her focused and in the present moment
Learn a new skill
Do things which you know you’ll both benefit from (e.g. research our next play toy or holiday designation, pick out three outfits for me you think I’d look good in. find me those pink heels I’ve been looking for, etc )

When to Set Rules for Your Sub

Establishing submissive rules at the onset of a Dominant/submissive relationship is crucial for laying a solid foundation. Early rule-setting provides clear expectations and helps in developing trust and understanding. When both parties agree on the boundaries and responsibilities, it fosters a more cohesive dynamic from the beginning. Introducing rules early on allows the submissive to immerse themselves in their role with clarity and purpose, enhancing the relationship’s overall harmony.

However, setting rules should not be a one-time event; it is a gradual process that unfolds as the relationship grows and evolves. Initially, focus on fundamental rules that address the core aspects of the dynamic, such as communication protocols, daily routines, and behavior expectations. These basics serve as a scaffold, supporting the submissive in their new role and allowing them to adjust comfortably.

As the relationship develops, regular review and adjustments of these rules are imperative. Situations change, as do the needs and desires of both the Dominant and the submissive. Periodic evaluations ensure that the rules remain relevant and effective. This ongoing process also allows for the introduction of more complex rules over time. It’s important to be receptive to the submissive’s feedback during these reviews, as their comfort and willingness play a significant role in the sustained success of the relationship.

Introducing changes or new rules should be approached with open communication. Gradual implementation helps in managing the submissive’s adaptation process, avoiding overwhelming them with too many changes at once. Every new rule should be clearly explained, detailing the reasons behind it and the expected outcomes. This transparency not only cements the submissive’s understanding but also enhances their commitment to adhere to the rules.

Setting and Wording Submissive Rules

Establishing effective submissive rules is a nuanced process that necessitates a thoughtful approach from the Dominant. The primary objective is to create a structure that enhances the dynamic while also respecting the needs and boundaries of the submissive. The first step in setting these rules is open and transparent communication between the Dominant and the submissive. Both parties must engage in an honest dialogue to discuss their expectations, desires, and limits. This ensures that all rules are mutually understood and agreed upon, forming the foundation of a harmonious relationship dynamic.

When phrasing submissive rules, clarity is of utmost importance. Rules should be explicit, leaving no room for ambiguity. For example, instead of stating “be respectful,” a more specific instruction such as “always address the Dominant as ‘Mistress/Ma’am/insert own variable here’ unless instructed otherwise” provides clarity and eliminates potential misunderstandings. Clear language fosters a sense of security and predictability, which is crucial for the submissive’s comfort and adherence to the established rules.

In addition to clear wording, it is vital to consider the unique needs and limits of the submissive. Each individual has their boundaries, and it is the Dominant’s responsibility to respect and integrate these limits into the rule-setting process.

Understanding aspects such as the submissive’s emotional triggers, daily routines, and personal commitments will allow the Dominant to craft rules that are not only enforceable but also respectful of the submissive’s well-being. For instance, a rule concerning daily check-ins might be adjusted to accommodate the submissive’s work schedule, ensuring it is feasible and not burdensome.

The dynamic of the relationship also plays a significant role in rule-setting. Whether the relationship is oriented more towards power exchange, caretaking, or discipline, the rules should reflect and support this dynamic. They should serve as tools to strengthen the bond and enhance the shared experiences of the Dominant and submissive. Regularly revisiting and revising the rules is another key aspect, ensuring that they remain relevant and effective as the relationship evolves. The process of setting and wording submissive rules is thus an ongoing, collaborative effort that adapts to the needs and growth of both parties involved.

A basic sub rule for one submissive, might not suit another!

When I started on my journey to being a Domme and looking for submissive man to date, I wasn’t sure what basic rules for a sub I should be using? My journey started pre internet but even as time moved on and the BBoards of old came about, I still wasn’t 100% sure.

Today thankfully, there are many articles on the internet that list all the basic rules for a sub you could use, but they were somewhat scattered and seem to be offering different levels of authority. You can still find yourself fishing many websites, copying and pasting into word processors, and then categorising, rewording, and adding yourown own.

Some of the rules for the subs were not compatible with my style of play. As an example, a basic rule for a submissive slave-style relationship might be:

Slave should not speak to his Mistress unless spoken to

Whilst I might set this as a rule if I was to run a high protocol BDSM scene as a one-off, it isn’t something I would want enforced all day every day. I like conversation. I want to hear opinions. Companionship as well as service is what I crave!

Some basic rules for submissives I read were spot on, and did reflect my kinks and fetishes and my desire for a partner. For example, the rule below appeals to me very much but maybe it doesn’t to you.

He will make his body available to Her for use whenever she desires

For myself the above is one that I would consider a basic for a sub in the type of dynamic I want/have.

Which all goes to show, that one basic rule for a sub in one D/s relationship isn’t the same for another. Not only do you have to factor in the type of dominant you are and the type of submissive he is, but you also need to think about your experience levels.

If your submissive has been practising BDSM for years, then what he considers a basic sub rule is probably going to be different from what a beginner submissive deems basic.

As an example, the rule:

He must wear a butt plug for at least one hour day day

might seem impossible and downright scary as a rule for a beginner sub. But for a more experience sub, he may look at that and say ‘Only an hour?’ WTF?

Likewise, the submissive might have a hard limit when it comes to anal play, regardless of his experience level. And so any basic sub rules which the dominant wants to do with anal must be taken off the table. Hard limits are NOT negotiable and consent matters.

Deciding on your list of basic rules for is a matter of personal preference, and the list you have with one submissive may not be the list or rules you use for another submissive. This is YOUR submissive, not someones elses. Set rules for you and yours and ignore others.

Your list will most likely also evolve over time as your Domme sub relationship evolves. Remember you can always ADD, subtracting or forgetting rules doesn’t make a Domme look very good.

When and how to set submissive rules

When should you set your sub rules? Do you write them down on a piece of paper? Store them electronically? Tell them to your sub one by one?

In my situation after a few plays and getting to know each other and preferences, both sexually and generally. I usually begin formatting my rules. I also incorporated rules from a previous Domme sub relationship which I enjoyed. I then listed out the submissive rules in a document on my computer.

My sub and I then talked through the list or rules, so I could check if there were any he didn’t think she’d be able to follow, or had hesitations about. Remember your submissive has opinions too!

I obviously want him to ENJOY following the rules (remember being a dominant is not just about serving yourself) which is why these discussions and good communication is important.

Submissives that have served another in the past might also have ideas for rules, perhaps from previous Domme, or perhaps just something they enjoy doing for you and it brings them pleasure. Those should be added to the list if you find them pleasing.

After some back and forth you’ll start forming a good starting list of rules for your sub, and you’ll both be in agreement on them. Negotiating isn’t hard with open communication.

Some Rule Ideas to get you started

If your style of dominance is less S&M and more caring, nurturing, whilst also incorporating elements of service, and a strong sex element.

Here is the list of rules we started for everyday use:

I will make my body available to Her for use at any time, and act as Her sexual plaything.
I will learn to worship and crave Her strapon, relishing every opportunity to please it.
I will respond with “Thank you, Mistress/My Lady/name of your choice” after every orgasm I have in Her presence.
I will learn the list of voice commands (given previously) and adopt the positions quickly and accurately when instructed.
I will take the time to communicate my thoughts and feelings, preferably in written form, so She knows which parts of my service I enjoy and which areas can be improved.
I will keep hair free for Her viewing pleasure. Clipped is acceptable.
My orgasms belong to Her. I shall not have one without first asking her permission.
My ass belongs to Mistress. I give her full permission to use at any time of the day or night. Mistress will always ask if there is any issues prior.
I will practise anal training until I can take Mistress strapon cock with ease.
I will accompany her to kink events when requested
At home I shall be naked at all times, unless otherwise requested. Weather allowing.
I shall think up creative ways to show Her my submissive side when She’s not around over text or email.
I will learn her routines and do everything I can to anticipate her needs and provide assistance through service. This may include everything from sexual services to housework and chauffeuring.
I understand that failure to comply with these rules will result in punishment and re-training. Punishment will depend on the severity of the infraction.

I prefer to keep the list short and add rules onto the list as and when I think of something I don’t like doing, something I want sexually, or something I feel my sub needs in order to grow. As my sub learns the new rules I re-enforce their positive behaviour with rewards (a part of their submissive training).

Your list of rules for your submissive may be even shorter, and that’s absolutely fine, even encouraged, if you are just starting out. It’s better to have one rule which is enforced and you both enjoy, than 100 where only a handful are followed haphazardly.

Categories of Submissive Rules

Below is a list of submissive rules which you can use to get ideas. As always, pick the ones what most suit the type of dominant you are and best suit the Domme sub relationship you have.

I’ve prefixed each rule with the main category it belongs to. Some rules fall into multiple rules, but you get the idea.

Setting rules for male submissives is an essential part of establishing a clear and structured dynamic within a BDSM relationship. These guidelines not only define expectations but also maintain the Dominant’s control and ensure the submissive’s compliance. Submissive rules can be categorized into several distinct groups, each addressing different aspects of behavior and interaction.

General Rules

General rules are the foundation of submissive behavior and include basic expectations that must be adhered to at all times. These might encompass manners, communication protocols, and respect. For instance, a sub might be required to always address the Dominant with a specific title, respond promptly to messages, or maintain a respectful tone in all interactions.

House Rules

House rules pertain to the submissive’s domestic responsibilities and behavior within the home. These could include tasks like daily household chores, maintaining personal hygiene to the Dominant’s standards, or following a set schedule. An example of a house rule is ensuring the home is tidy at all times or preparing meals at specified times.

Public Rules

Public rules dictate the submissive’s conduct in social settings. These rules ensure the submissive upholds certain behaviors that reflect the Dominant’s wishes even when not in a private setting. Examples might include not speaking unless spoken to, maintaining a specific physical posture, or displaying subtle signs of submission such as wearing a discreet collar.

Slave Rules

Slave rules are more intense and might be applied to a deeper level of servitude. These rules often involve detailed protocols regarding obedience and service. For example, a submissive might be required to perform rituals, adhere to a more extensive dress code, or submit to more rigorous forms of discipline and training.

Remote Rules

Remote rules are essential for maintaining the power dynamic when the Dominant and submissive are not physically together. These rules might include checking in at certain times, completing tasks, or following digital communication protocols. An example would be the submissive sending a morning and evening report of their activities and feelings.

Sex Rules

Sex rules define permissible sexual behaviors and activities. These rules ensure that all sexual interactions are consensual and within the boundaries set by the Dominant. Examples might include granting permission before engaging in any sexual activity, following specific instructions regarding sexual positions, or adhering to guidelines on self-pleasure.

Examples of Submissive Rules for Beginners

Setting clear and concise submissive rules is essential for a fulfilling and respectful D/s relationship. For beginner male subs, these rules facilitate structure and provide a foundation for their submissive journey. Below are a few examples of submissive rules that cater to various aspects of the dynamic. These suggestions are adaptable to meet the unique needs and preferences of each relationship.

Daily Check-Ins

A daily check-in rule requires the submissive to provide a summary of their day to the Dominant. This practice fosters communication and accountability. For instance, “Every evening, you must text me a summary of your day, highlighting any challenges and victories.” This rule ensures that the submissive remains engaged and allows the Dominant to offer guidance and support.

Dress Code

Implementing a dress code can enhance the feeling of control and help the submissive embody their role. An example might be, “You will wear designated clothing on specific days as a sign of your submission.” This rule can be adjusted for various commitments or comfort levels, such as professional attire for workdays and more casual or symbolic garments at home. for EG I like my subs at home to be either naked where possible or in loose clothing (seasonal) that allow me easy access and a way to be discreet if required. For myself this was track pants (sweats) when my children where still at home. Track Pants offered easy access and discreet access when needed. They didn’t look out of place and suited our needs wonderfully!

Manners and Etiquette

Manners rules can instill a sense of decorum and respect. A basic rule might include, “You must always address me as ‘My love’ or ‘Madam,’ and use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in all requests.” This reinforces the Dominant’s authority and enhances mutual respect within the dynamic.

Personal Hygiene and Self-Care

Ensuring the submissive maintains good hygiene and self-care routines is another important rule. For example, “You must perform a daily grooming and self-care routine, including showering, brushing teeth, and grooming facial hair.” This rule ensures the submissive’s well-being and preparedness to serve. But this rule also gives a submissive a sense of self worth and pride in themselves by always looking their personal best for ME.

Curfews and Schedules

Setting a curfew helps maintain order and discipline. A typical curfew rule might be, “You must be home by 10 PM on weekdays, except with prior approval.” This structure reinforces the Dominant’s control over the submissive’s time, ensuring predictability and reliability in their conduct.

Review and Adaptation of Submissive Rules

The process of reviewing and adapting submissive rules is integral to maintaining their effectiveness and relevance within a Femdom BDSM relationship. Regular check-ins between the Dominant and submissive are essential for assessing the impact of these rules. These check-ins provide an opportunity for both parties to discuss any challenges that may have arisen and to identify areas where adjustments might be necessary. Open communication during these sessions is paramount, allowing both the Dominant and submissive to express their feelings, concerns, and feedback in a safe and respectful environment.

A critical facet of this ongoing review process is the recognition that flexibility is necessary for the rules to remain pertinent and practical. Life circumstances, personal growth, and evolving dynamics within the relationship can all necessitate rule modifications. It is important to remember that the primary objective of these rules is to enhance the bond between the Dominant and submissive, promoting a healthy and dynamic connection. As such, the ability to adapt these regulations when needed ensures that the relationship remains fulfilling for both parties involved.

Effective adaptation of submissive rules starts with setting a regular schedule for reviews. Whether these reviews occur weekly, monthly, or quarterly, what matters is establishing a consistent pattern that both parties can rely on. During these sessions, discussing the perceived impact of current rules and any shifts in personal needs or desires is crucial. Identifying rules that may need tightening or loosening, adding new stipulations, or removing outdated ones are all part of the dynamic adjustment process.

Ultimately, the continuous review and adaptation process underscores the importance of communication and mutual respect in a Femdom BDSM relationship. Ensuring that submissive rules are continuously aligned with the needs and preferences of both the Dominant and the submissive is a testament to the strength and resilience of the bond they share. By remaining open to change and prioritizing dialogue, couples can navigate the complexities of their relationship, fostering a harmonious and evolving dynamic.

I like to give my sub rules which make my life better, his life better, our sex life better, and work towards building something we both love doing.

I suggest you show this article to your sub and go through the process of creating rules together. Take the rules which jump out at you, get you a little bit excited or intrigued, and begin incorporating them into your daily life.

And if you’ve got some submissive rules you love but I haven’t listed (I’m sure you will have because there are infinite possibilities after all so ), leave them in the comments.

Good luck, make this your own and have FUN with it!

Resource Article : MissBonnie 2024

Additional related onsite resources and articles:

D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?

Negotiations are a crucial part of the contract process, allowing parties to discuss and reach mutually agreeable terms. Here are some techniques and guides to help you navigate the negotiation process:

Contract Sample 1

An example of a simple D/s contract. just remember BDSM contacts are not legally binding in a court of law

Contract Sample 2

A more complicated example of a M/s contract

Contract Sample 3

An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.

BDSM Rights

Know your rights with a Femdom relationship.

Safewords

Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?

SSC v’s RACK

Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

Limits & negotiations

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?

Partner check list

When it comes to engaging in BDSM activities, communication and consent are key. One effective tool that can help facilitate this is a BDSM partner checklist. This checklist is a comprehensive list of activities, preferences, limits, and boundaries that each partner can fill out and discuss together. It serves as a starting point to get to know your partner on a deeper level and establish open lines of communication.

Abuse and P.E

Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers. A contract is a (non legal) binding agreement between two or more parties that outlines the rights and obligations of each party involved. It establishes the terms and conditions of the agreement or relationship, ensuring that all parties are aware of their responsibilities and the consequences of not fulfilling them.

Navigating Consent in Kink: More Than Just Agreement

Consent holds a foundational position within the kink community. Much more than a cursory agreement, it involves a detailed process of granting permission and establishing boundaries for specific acts, scenarios, or situations. Explicit consent distinguishes consensual play from coercion and abuse, ensuring that all parties involved are willingly participating and comfortable with the parameters set forth.

Explicit Implicit

Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually. Prepare and Research: Before entering into negotiations, it is essential to gather information about the other party, their needs, and their expectations. This will help you formulate a strong position and understand potential areas of compromise.
Set Clear Objectives: Clearly define your goals and priorities for the negotiation. This will help you stay focused and avoid getting sidetracked during the process.
Active Listening: Pay close attention to the other party’s concerns and interests. By actively listening, you can identify common ground and find solutions that meet both parties’ needs.
Flexibility: Be open to compromise and alternative solutions. Negotiations often involve give and take, and being flexible can lead to a more successful outcome.

Want some printable contracts and helpful negotiation forms?. Our Femdom Community has more covering many different areas and styles.
In fact we just added an assortment of sample downloadable contacts such as puppy play, sissy maid service, chastity all free and customizable.

August 22, 2024August 22, 2024

Navigating Consent in Kink: More Than Just Agreement

Understanding Consent in Kink

Typically characterized by open communication, the process of consenting within kink encompasses discussions regarding desires, limits, and expectations. These conversations often occur well before any activity, establishing a mutual understanding and fostering trust. For example, terms such as “safe words” are commonly agreed upon, serving as a linguistic mechanism to halt activities immediately if discomfort or distress arises. This level of detailed communication is crucial in maintaining a safe and respectful environment.

The importance of consent in kink cannot be overstated. It serves as a demarcation line, transforming potentially harmful acts into consensual and enjoyable experiences. This principle asserts that no action, regardless of its nature, should occur without the explicit and informed consent of all participants. Thus, consent is not a one-off transaction but a continuous, dynamic dialogue that adapts and evolves throughout the interaction.

Furthermore, consent must be enthusiastic and uncoerced, reflecting a person’s genuine willingness rather than acquiescence under pressure. It is this wholehearted agreement that underscores the ethical framework within which the kink community operates. Clear and unambiguous consent helps mitigate misunderstandings and prevents situations where boundaries could be inadvertently crossed.

In understanding consent in kink, one begins to appreciate the complexity and necessity of these agreements. The inherent respect for personal autonomy and boundaries reinforces a culture of consensuality that is vital for both physical and emotional safety in kink-related activities.

What is Informed Consent?

Informed consent is a foundational principle in any kink dynamic, emphasizing that true consent involves more than a simple agreement. It necessitates that all parties are fully educated and aware of every relevant aspect of the activity in which they plan to engage. This comprehensive understanding extends to recognizing potential risks, boundaries, and the specific roles each participant will play.

Informed consent means that every individual has detailed knowledge about what they are consenting to. For instance, consider a scenario involving rope play. While it might appear straightforward at first glance, rope play carries inherent risks, such as the potential for nerve damage. Before any rope is even taken out, participants must be fully informed about these risks. They should understand the techniques to mitigate danger, know the signs of nerve impingement, and have an emergency plan in place, such as having a pair of safety scissors nearby.

This depth of understanding also covers psychological aspects. Participants need to communicate openly about their comfort levels, any previous experiences that may influence their current feelings, and their expectations. This ensures all parties not only agree but also comprehend the full scope of the activity, including any potential mental or emotional triggers that could arise.

Furthermore, informed consent is ongoing and dynamic, requiring continual check-ins and the ability for any party to retract their consent at any point. It recognizes that consent given yesterday isn’t valid indefinitely; context, interpretations, and comfort levels can shift, and consent must be reaffirmed.

Ultimately, the principle of informed consent is central to the ethical practice of kink. It embodies the respect and responsibility each participant owes the other, ensuring that each person is making an educated, voluntary, and enthusiastic decision. This meticulous approach not only safeguards physical and mental well-being but also fortifies trust, enhancing the positive and consensual nature of the interaction.

The Issue of Coercion

Understanding the boundaries of consent requires more than a simple “yes” or “no.” One critical aspect that significantly affects genuine consent is coercion. Coercion, in the context of consent, refers to the act of forcing, threatening, or manipulating someone to engage in activities against their will. This can occur overtly through direct threats or subtly through emotional manipulation and pressure.

Coercion fundamentally negates true consent because the essence of consent lies in the willingness and voluntary agreement of all parties involved. When coercion is present, the individual is acting out of fear, pressure, or obligation rather than a true desire to participate. Therefore, any consent given under such circumstances is inherently invalid.

Identifying coercion can sometimes be challenging, especially when it manifests subtly. Some warning signs include persistent pressure, guilt-tripping, or any form of emotional blackmail. For instance, statements like “If you loved me, you would do this,” or threats of ending a relationship if certain activities are not agreed to, are explicit forms of coercion. Additionally, using one’s position of power or influence to pressure another person also constitutes coercive behavior.

It is crucial for individuals in any relationship, particularly in kink dynamics where power and control play significant roles, to remain vigilant against coercion. Open communication, mutual respect, and a clear understanding of each other’s boundaries are essential in preserving the integrity of consensual interactions. This involves not only recognizing coercive behavior but also taking active steps to address and rectify it.

Ultimately, the presence of coercion undermines the foundational principles of consent. By staying informed and attentive to the signs of coercion, individuals can foster healthier, more respectful, and truly consensual interactions within their relationships.

Understanding Blanket Consent

Blanket consent serves as a profound and multifaceted concept within the realm of kink dynamics, particularly prevalent in total power exchange (TPE) or master/slave relationships. This form of consent involves one party yielding control over a range of actions, encompassing both kinky and non-kinky activities, to another party. The gravity of this commitment cannot be overstated, as it entails an unparalleled level of trust and surrender.

The cornerstone of blanket consent is intensive and comprehensive negotiation. The parties involved must engage in thorough discussions to articulate their boundaries, expectations, and mutual objectives. These negotiations are essential, as they provide a clear framework for the relationship, ensuring that both individuals are fully aware of the nature and extent of the consent being granted. Topics often introduced during these discussions include consent to specific actions, safewords, limits, and methods of periodic reassessment.

Integral to the success of a blanket consent arrangement is the foundational trust between the parties. This dynamic demands an exceptional degree of faith in the dominant partner’s judgement and discretion. The submissive, in turn, relies on their partner’s commitment to their well-being, with the understanding that their physical and emotional safety remains paramount.

While the strength of blanket consent lies in its overarching nature, it also requires ongoing communication. Periodic check-ins and dialogues are necessary to reassess boundaries, address concerns, and ensure that the consensual dynamic remains healthy and fulfilling for both parties. Such continuous communication helps mitigate any potential for abuse and ensures that the submissive’s agency and autonomy are respected within the relationship framework.

Ultimately, blanket consent is not a decision to be taken lightly. It demands rigorous preparation, mutual respect, and unwavering honesty. Both parties must possess a deep understanding of the responsibilities inherent in the agreement, thereby fostering a dynamic that is both empowering and safe.

What is Free Use?

Free use, as a nuanced subcategory of blanket consent, specifically hinges upon the unconditional sexual availability of the consenting participant. This concept essentially allows for one party, typically the dominant, to engage in sexual activities with the consenting submissive at their discretion and convenience, within established boundaries. Unlike broader blanket consent scenarios that may encompass various activities and permissions beyond sexuality, free use is distinct in its singular focus on sexual interactions.

A fundamental distinction between free use and generalized blanket consent lies in the scope and specificity of the permissions granted. Blanket consent might cover a range of non-sexual activities, from domestic chores to specific behaviors expected from the submissive. In contrast, free use zeroes in exclusively on sexual access, often creating a dynamic where the submissive is sexually available to the dominant at any given time, under predetermined guidelines. This structure emphasizes the importance of clearly negotiated agreements and the well-being of all parties involved, ensuring consent is informed and enthusiastic.

Moreover, free use scenarios can manifest in various relational constructs, including non-monogamous settings. In such contexts, the submissive may be expected to provide sexual services to other dominants with the primary dominant’s consent. These intricate dynamics necessitate robust communication and trust, highlighting the critical role of predefined limits and safe words to ensure the safety and comfort of the submissive. In situations where multiple parties are involved, the complexities of individual consent and the potential for power imbalances must be diligently managed.

Therefore, while free use might offer a depth of erotic freedom and spontaneity for some, it demands an equally rigorous commitment to ongoing dialogue, mutual respect, and a solid framework of pre-negotiated consent. This ensures that the practice remains consensual, ethical, and pleasurable for all participants, cementing its place within the broader landscape of kink and BDSM dynamics.

Exploring Consensual Non-Consent (CNC)

Consensual non-consent, frequently abbreviated as CNC, embodies a paradoxical aspect of kink wherein participants engage in pre-negotiated scenarios that simulate non-consensual interactions. It is imperative to distinguish that, despite the performative element of non-consent, every action taken within CNC is firmly rooted in prior, mutual agreement. This form of role-play demands a high level of trust and should only be pursued by those with extensive experience and thorough communication practices.

The nature of CNC introduces notable risks and complexities. Participants are simulating scenarios that may be mentally and emotionally challenging, necessitating meticulous preparation. Fundamental to maintaining safety during such scenes is the establishment of clear, pre-negotiated limits. These limits delineate what is permissible and what aspects are off-limits, offering a framework that safeguards everyone involved. Moreover, the use of safewords or safe signals is crucial. These predefined cues serve as an immediate stop mechanism, ensuring that any scenario enacted stops instantaneously if a participant feels unsafe or overwhelmed.

In addition to pre-negotiated limits and safewords, ongoing communication before, during, and after the scene is essential. Pre-scene discussions should cover emotional triggers, boundaries, and the specific dynamics of the role play. During the scene, participants should remain attuned to non-verbal cues, as these can provide critical feedback on a partner’s well-being. Post-scene aftercare, consisting of physical and emotional support, helps all individuals process the experience and reinforces the consensual nature of the engagement.

The intricacies of consensual non-consent amplify the absolute necessity of informed consent within kink dynamics. Practitioners must recognize the profound responsibility they hold in navigating such scenarios, ensuring every aspect upholds the principles of consent, safety, and mutual respect. By embracing these elements, participants can explore CNC in a manner that honors the core tenants of ethical kink practice.

Usage of Safewords in Blanket Consent Dynamics

In the realm of kink, the concept of blanket consent refers to an agreement where one party consents to certain activities without requiring explicit approval each time. This dynamic often thrives on a foundation of deep trust and robust communication between the parties involved. Within these relationships, the use of safewords – predetermined terms used to halt or slow down activities – can technically be employed but are generally not viewed as essential components. This is primarily because well-established dynamics usually entail a profound understanding and mutual awareness of limits, comfort zones, and boundaries, rendering the necessity for safewords less prominent.

However, there are particular scenarios where safewords might still come into play within blanket consent dynamics. For example, if a relationship is evolving or if the play involves experimenting with new activities, engaging a safeword can serve as an additional layer of security. It allows parties to navigate new terrains without fearing an overstep. Similarly, even in long-term dynamics, situational interpersonal and emotional changes can occur, where using a safeword helps reaffirm and maintain the balance of consent and care.

Additionally, the psychological state of the individuals at the moment of play can significantly impact the applicability of safewords. For instance, should one party experience unexpected physical discomfort, emotional distress, or a triggering event, having a safeword in place ensures that this distress can be immediately communicated without ambiguity or delay. This emphasis on immediate cessation safeguards the welfare of all parties, reinforcing the ethos of consensual and safe play.

Ultimately, while the extensive trust and communication present in blanket consent dynamics may reduce the observable need for safewords, their strategic use can enhance the security, adaptability, and respect inherent in these relationships, ensuring a continuous environment of safety and mutual consent.

Addressing Consent Violations

When a consent violation occurs within the kink community, it is crucial to address the matter promptly and effectively. Immediate communication is key in both understanding the situation and mitigating any further harm. It is vital to acknowledge that breaches of consent can vary significantly in nature—some may result from misunderstandings or miscommunication, while others may be deliberate. Thus, the steps to address these violations should be carefully considered on a case-by-case basis.

In instances where the consent violation appears accidental, initiating an open and honest conversation is the first step. Both parties should strive to understand how the breach occurred and ensure that it does not happen again. This might involve revisiting previously agreed-upon boundaries, reaffirming communication strategies, or adjusting the dynamics of the interaction. Open dialogue can not only rectify the mistake but can also strengthen the trust between individuals moving forward.

If a consent violation is suspected to be intentional, the response must be significantly more measured. An intentional breach suggests a disregard for established boundaries and a potential threat to personal safety. Self-protection becomes paramount in such circumstances. It is essential to distance oneself from the individual responsible for the breach and to seek support from the community if necessary. This could involve confiding in trusted friends, seeking advice from kink community leaders, or utilizing resources such as support groups or crisis helplines.

Whether the violation is accidental or intentional, the emphasis should always be on self-care and safeguarding one’s mental and physical well-being. Consent is a cornerstone of any healthy kink dynamic, and breaches, however minor, can have lasting impacts. Therefore, knowing when to step back from a harmful relationship is crucial for maintaining one’s sense of security and personal autonomy.

Resource Articles : MissBonnie 2024

March 9, 2024August 20, 2024

Explicit Consent / Implicit consent

What are the qualities that make a great play partner? Ask ten people and you’ll get ten wildly diverse answers, but you’ll also find that some qualities are universally cherished. Clear communication about desires, interests and turn-offs is at the top of the hit parade, and the ability to listen – really listen – is as precious as tickets to a Pearl Jam concert. In fact, play that is safe, sensual and satisfying depends on the ability of partners to absorb information via all six of the senses. Everything you see, hear, taste, smell, touch and intuit provides an awareness of your partner and yourself that you need in order to play considerately and consensually.

BDSM players often speak of “pushing limits” or taking partners to their edges. Newcomers to the experience may erroneously conclude that these phrases imply going beyond activities that were agreed upon. Mostly, they would be wrong. Yet, consent is a tricky concept, and includes at least two sub-categories: explicit and implicit consent. Safe, enjoyable play requires an appreciation of the differences between them.

Explicit Consent

In the early stages of a relationship, discussing the boundaries of consent allows players to develop their connection and ascertain skill and experience levels. Spelling out what is and is not OK is important to the development of trust. Plus, this information gives the top a chance to slowly discover the range of a bottom’s sensitivities without making unwarranted assumptions or taking unwise risks.

One way to initiate negotiations is to discuss the items on one of the “bdsm checklists” here on site. These lists allow partners to numerically rate a nearly unfathomable variety of activities, indicating their level of experience and enjoyment or potential interest in each. Talking about the items elicits a wealth of insights and enables free-flowing discussion about even the most extreme variations. Using the lists helps partners see how the other thinks and processes information, and encourages expanded discussion about items of special interest or concern.

Favorite flavors and “hard limits” – i.e., those “no way in this lifetime” activities – are clarified.

During initial play sessions, negotiated activity can be limited to items that both partners have rated highly. Preferences are hardly ambiguous when you’re staring at a sheaf of papers that have 5’s (love it!) and 4’s scribbled under some categories, but not others. Plus, when the getting-to-know you process is also the first stage in scouting for a serious relationship, it’s useful to know early-on whether the items that one person rates a perpetual 5 only warrants a 1 – or even an “over my dead body” 0 – from the other.

Implicit Consent

As a relationship progresses, some forms of explicit consent may no longer be required. For instance, if your partner knows you’re OK with anal plugs, and you know that your partner is skillful in inserting them, she probably doesn’t need your explicit consent to surprise you with a larger plug, or one that vibrates. You have a safeword, you’ve established mutual trust, so she can go for the gusto, confident that you will let her know if you’re unhappy with the new sensations. You, in turn, feel safe in the hands of someone with experience interpreting your every shade of oooh, aaah, and ouch.

Consent can get tricky, however, when you’ve given someone clear permission to push the boundaries of intimate activity. In that case, consent to new activities becomes implicit rather than explicitly negotiated. Forms of explicitly outlined consensual “non-consent” occur mostly in relationships where the “top” is given express psychological control over the “bottom.” Here, the terms dominant and submissive better describe the power dynamic. A submissive might explicitly relinquish power to the dominant in specified areas of life, including the erotic sphere. That would mean, theoretically, that within the confines of reason and safety, the dominant could do anything she wishes. Does this mean that your partner can or should do things that you would find disgusting or frightening? Does he or she really have carte blanche? The answer to those questions is – explicitly – no!

Even in the realm of implicit consent, the submissive should always retain a safeword to alert the partner to unforeseen (or invisible to the dom) problems. The dominant is implicitly expected to focus on the submissive’s pleasure as much as, if not more than, her own. (“Pleasure” is a subjective experience, which is why knowing one’s partner well is key here.) Even pain-play is meant to be ecstatically pleasing, and any activity that the dominant has reason to suspect would be repellent to the submissive, or which he is not sufficiently skilled to employ safely should be avoided – and “safe” encompasses both the physical and psychological. Nobody gets “dom-credit” for being rash and thoughtless. To the contrary, for serious players within a community of players, inconsiderate or irresponsible partners may be identified publicly. A reputation as a worthy play-partner can be built or destroyed based upon maintaining consistent respect for the needs and desires of one’s partners. Respect may even include ignoring a submissive’s craving for more intensity if the dominant suspects that she is too strung out on endorphins to be a good judge of her own condition. Backing off if the dominant is concerned for the submissive’s well-being – even if the sub is begging for more – is an often under-rated aspect of sensitive and considerate play.

A submissive who later complains about a dom’s caution could be seen as inconsiderate of the dom’s right to feel safe, too. Submissives can manipulate and shame dominants just as dominants can upset submissives. A sensitive submissive partner is one who understands how precarious the dom’s moment to moment decisions can be, who doesn’t expect a “mind-reader,” and who knows that the quality of his communication is crucial to the dominant’s ability to orchestrate a fulfilling experience for both of them.

The term “play” is used for a reason: kinky sexuality is all about entrancing times for adults, deep erotic connection, and lingering bliss. Looking back on a play-date with a happy gleam in one’s eye – not anger, regret, shame, or a bill from the ER – is the whole point.

My advice to tops/dominants is to move slowly in new relationships. Be willing to err on the side of safety and concern for the bottom and in the interests of your own peace of mind. There will always be time later to play harder, test limits, and audaciously challenge one’s self and one’s partner. In the world of kinky play, giant leaps are mostly for the arrogant and childish. Respectful steps are for smart, savvy grown-ups.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.

March 9, 2024August 20, 2024

ABUSE AND EROTIC POWER EXCHANGE

Voluntary:

all partners involved in erotic power exchange activity of whatever nature should decide to do so of their own free will and choice and without any force applied. Sometimes the element of “force” may be hidden. Such can be the case if either of the parties faces (or fears to be faced with) economical or social repercussions if he or she does not go along with what the other partner(s) wants. This may be the case for example if colleagues at work enter into EPE-activities or within a marriage. If either of the partners feels forced, for whatever reason, the situation is non-voluntary.

Informed:

all partners involved in erotic power exchange should base their decision to do so on correct information and should be able to judge the situation and possible consequences. A simple “yes” often is not enough, especially in cases where it is doubtful whether the person saying “yes” does not or can not know what the implications are or can be.

Consensual:

all partners involved should agree to what is going to happen or happening and should have the possibility to evaluate previous decisions in the event they are faced with emotions, reactions or information they feel is of importance to their situation. Sane: decisions with respect to erotic power exchange activities should be made when all partners involved are of a clear mind. Consent as a result of the use of drugs, alcohol or the rush or the situation is not consent.

Safe: erotic power exchange activities should be safe, both physically and mentally and in the event physical or mental risks are taken – for example in an edge play situation – people should be well informed about the possible risks, implications and repercussions.

Moral or ethical code

Although the majority of the people, involved in erotic power exchange, usually have very high moral and ethical standards there is no standard moral or ethical code when it comes to erotic power exchange. Since EPE is such a personal and intimate activity it is questionable if such a moral code can be produced at all. This means that people who are into erotic power exchange activities very much depend on their own judgment, often without references.

Seeking advice is difficult, since it may be very hard to find a reliable source – in general terms as well as with respect to your own personal situation. However, there are some general rules of thumb to go by when evaluating your personal position or a situation you are about to enter:

Respect:

Any erotic power exchange relationship should be based on mutual respect. In the event you have doubts about this, it is very likely there is something wrong.

Communication: Communication is paramount when it comes to erotic power exchange. Communication is a two way street. If you feel your arguments, feelings and thoughts are disregarded you have stumbled on another warning signal.

Relationship:

In general – disregarding incidental kick-seeking – erotic power exchange can only flourish within a sound and solid relationship.

Dominance and ego:

Dominance is not male chauvinism pr Female supremacy. Although it is sometimes very hard to draw the lines in individual cases, ego trips are out of the question when it comes to erotic power exchange. It is a mistake to think only the submissive can be “persuaded” into something s/he does not want. It happens to dominants as well and submissives can sometimes be very persistent and manipulative.

Recognizing domestic violence

Domestic violence is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without his/her consent. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. By asking yourself the following questions and watching for the following signals you may evaluate the situation you are in:

Physical signals

Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you? (Erotic power exchange scenes excluded) Has he or she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room or used a weapon of any kind?

Are you afraid of your partner?

Does your partner constantly or frequently criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control or ridicule you for the limits you do set?

Do you feel obliged to have sex?

Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?

Isolation

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner prohibit you to take part in social events or activities?

Property

Has your partner ever destroyed objects?

Has your partner ever threatened pets?

Economical

Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources?

Has he/she ever stolen from you or run up debts?

Emotional/Psychological

Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self esteem?

Do you feel you can not discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Abuse within an erotic power exchange relationship

Although it does not occur often, abuse within an erotic power exchange relation does occur. Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not “agreed” upon. Domestic violence is not the same as consentual S/M. As a result of their sexual orientation, abused persons who are in an erotic power exchange relationship may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes.

These are question that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is an abusive one:

Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?

Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?

Has s/he ever violated your limits?

Do you feel “trapped” in a specific role (submissive or dominant)?

Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?

General reflections

No one has the right to abuse you and you are not responsible for the violence. You are also not alone. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship or situation interact with other survivors. You will find them in local or regional support groups.

There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Fear of or feelings for the abuser may be one of them. Lack of economic or emotional resources is another. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs and 24-hour crisis lines in your area. Ask a friend to help you make these calls.

And, if you are planning on leaving: plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency. Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options.

Abuse in an erotic power exchange relationship can have an even greater impact than if it happens in another relationship. The amount of trust given can have been extremely high, thus the aftermath, the disappointment and the guilt feelings can be enormous. One word of advice to aid workers: someone who has been in an erotic power exchange relationship did not bring it upon him or her self. Especially in an erotic power exchange relationship the breech of trust by the abuser is enormous.

This article is partially based on material, produced by the American National Leather Association, the Dutch S&M Media Information Center and the POWERotics. Feel free to redistribute but please do make references to these sources © collarncuffs.com

Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

March 9, 2024August 20, 2024

Submissive Femdom / BDSM Play Partner Check List

Please Note. Update 2022: we have many more free printable checklists contained within our 100% Free to use Femdom Community

This questionnaire should be filled out by a Sub and provided to their Dom/Top before playing with them. This will provide a quick “head-start” to identifying limits, negotiating and finding common ground for play. For each item, you need to provide two answers:

First write YES or NO next to each item to indicate if you have ever DONE that activity.
Mark N/A if it does not apply to your gender.
Next, indicate for each item how you FEEL about that activity by rating it on a scale of NO or 0 to 5.
NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit).
0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don’t like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would be willing to do it to please the Dominant if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a “soft limit”).
1 means you don’t want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn’t object if it was asked of you.
2 means you are willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you.
3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular/ occasional basis.
4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis.
5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible.

Mark with an asterisk (*) those items which you are willing to do only with you current sex partner(s), but not with casual play-partners.

Note any additional information which might be important for your Domme to know.

There is intentionally some overlap between categories. Unless otherwise stated, the Sub is the recipient of the activity.

Partner Check List
Activities		Experience, Willingness
	yes/no,	NO or 0-5

Abrasion
Age play
Anal sex
Anal plugs (small)
Anal plugs (large)
Anal plug (public, under clothes)
Animal roles
Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders)
Asphyxiation
Auctioned for charity
Bathroom use control
Beastiality
Beating (soft)
Beating (hard)
Blindfolds
Being serviced (sexual)
Being bitten
Breast/chest bondage
Breath control
Branding
Boot worship
Bondage (light)
Bondage (heavy)
Bondage (multi-day)
Bondage (public, under clothing)
Breast whipping
Brown showers (scat)
Cages (locked inside of)
Caning
Catheterization
Cells/Closets (locked inside of)
Chastity belts
Chaueffering
Choking
Clothespins
Cock worship
Collars (worn in private)
Collars (worn in public)
Competitions (with other Subs)
Corsets (wearing)
Cuffs (leather)
Cuffs (metal)
Cutting
Dilation
Double penetration
Electricity
Enemas
Enforced chastity
Examinations (physical)
Exercise (forced/required)
Exhibitionism (friends)
Exhibitionism (strangers)
Eye contact restrictions
Face slapping
Fantasy abandonment
Fantasy rape
Fantasy gang-rape
Fisting (anal)
Fisting (vaginal)
Following orders
Foot worship
Forced dressing
Forced homosexuality
Forced masturbation
Forced nudity (private)
Forced nudity (around others)
Forced servitude
Full head hoods
Gags (cloth)
Gags (rubber)
Gags (tape)
Gates of Hell (male)
Genital sex
Given away to another Dom (temp)
Given away to another Dom (perm)
Golden showers
Hairbrush spankings
Hair pulling
Hand jobs (giving)
Hand jobs (receiving)
Harems (serving w/other subs)
Harnessing (leather)
Harnessing (rope)
Having food chosen for you
Having clothing chosen for you
Head (giving fellatio)
Head (receiving fellatio)
High heel worship
Homage with toungue (non-sexual)
Hot oils (on genitals)
Hot waxing
Housework (doing)
Human puppy dog
Humiliation (private)
Humiliation (public)
Hypnotism
Ice cubes
Infantalism
Initiation rites
Injections
Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage
Interrogations
Kidnapping
Kneeling
Leather clothing
Leather restraints
Lectures for misbehavior
Licking (non-sexual)
Manacles & Irons
Manacures (giving)
Massage (giving)
Massage (receiving)
Medical scenes
Modeling for erotic photos
Mouth bits
Mummification
Nipple clamps
Nipple weights
Oral/anal play (rimming)
Over-the-knee spanking
Orgasm denial
Orgasm control
Outdoor scenes
Outdoor sex
Phone sex (serving Dom)
Phone sex (serving Dom’s friends)
Prison scenes
Pony slave
Public exposure
Pussy/cock whipping
Pussy worship
Riding crops
Riding the “horse” (crotch tort.)
Rituals
Religious scenes
Restrictive rules on behavior
Rubber/latex clothing
Rope body harness
Saran wrapping
Scratching – getting
Scratching – giving
Sensory deprivation
Serving
Serving as art
Serving as ashtray
Serving as furniture
Serving as a maid
Serving as toilet
Serving as waitress/waiter
Serving orally (sexual)
Serving other doms (supervised)
Piercing (temporary, play-pierce)
Piercing (permanant)
Serving other doms (unsupervised)
Sexual deprivation (short term)
Sexual deprivation (long term)
Shaving (body hair)
Shaving (head hair)
Sleep deprivation
Sleepsacks
Slutty clothing (private)
Slutty clothing (public)
Spanking
Spandex clothing
Speech restrictions (when, what)
Speculums (Anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Spreader bars
Standing in corner
Stocks
Straight jackets
Strap-on-dildos (sucking on)
Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by)
Strap-on-dildos (wearing)
Strapping (full body beating)
Suspension (upright)
Suspension (inverted)
Suspension (horizontal)
Supplying new partners for Dom
Swallowing semen
Swallowing urine
Swapping (with one other couple)
Swinging (multiple couples)
Tattooing
Teasing
Tickling
Triple penetration
Uniforms
Including others
Vaginal dildo
Verbal humiliation
Vibrator on genitals
Voyeurism (watching others)
Voyeurism (your Dom w/others)
Video (watching others)
Video (recordings of you)
Water torture
Wearing symbolic jewelery
Whipping
Wooden paddles
Wrestling

Article MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

March 9, 2024August 20, 2024

Limits

In the Femdom/BDSM world, limits refer to activities that a partner feels strongly about, and to which special attention must be paid.

Before a Femdom scene

Before a Femdom scene, it is common to perform a negotiation to outline what will and will not happen during the play session. During this time, all participants outline what they desire and what they will not tolerate. This is the time to discuss limits.

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. They can be spoken or written in the form of a contract, discussing them fully usually results in an improved experience for all involved.

Popular variants include:

Hard Limit – something that must NOT be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. Examples include “scat is a hard limit for me” or “I have a back injury, so striking on the back is a hard limit”.
Soft Limit – something that someone will do only in special circumstances or when highly aroused. Example – “I will only do anal sex with a very experienced partner”.
“Must” limit – something that a person will not do the scene without. Examples include “lots of hair pulling is a must-limit for me” or “If you’re going to flog me, I’ll need lots of aftercare”.
Time limit – an amount of time after which play ceases.
No Limits – the Dominant may do anything she cares to with the submissive. This is usually a sign of an inexperienced player who does not yet know what their limits are. In reality, even the most hardened and experienced players have limits.
“No limits” play is more the stuff of porn and thriller movies than in actual, real-life Femdom. This is also sometimes used as a term for TPE or Total Power Exchange.

Negotiation

Negotiation in Femdom community is a form of communication where participants make arrangements on each others’ requirements, responsibilities and limits to find the best possible agreement.
As BDSM is sexual practice that keeps to SSC philosophy, negotiation is necessary to set sexual activity within the boundaries of these principles.

Activity within Femdom relationships requires trust, openness about most practices that may include risks. On the other hand, partners have certain needs which should be clearly defined in order to be properly satisfied. In this regard, negotiation is essential part not only when parties were not familiar with each other but also in case when partners have long-term relationships.

Negotiation may not only concern a particular session but touch upon a more wide range of subjects on a BDSM philosophy in general: considerations on a lifestyle, the perspectives of the relationships, religious beliefs and many other issues that can be in one way or another connected to BDSM activity.

Negotiation within the limits of BDSM practice can be performed either verbally or in written form. One of the most common ways to clarify all the issues concerning participation in BDSM activity is to make use of negotiation form.

Negotiation form form is a list of needs, limits and activities within BDSM practice presented to both participants for a specification of the details of BDSM session.

Types of negotiation

1. Scene negotiation takes place before the actual participation in Femdom session, during the session and after it. It can be done in written form, where all the topics discussed will be listed for agreement or disagreement. This is made to evaluate the possible productivity of the session and compatibility of both partners. Negotiation on a pre-scene phase may include discussing such things as: Arrangement of Roles – who will take the part of the top partner or bottom partner, and participation of any other observers, the way partners address each other. Expectations and needs of both partners- likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs: Limits of the scene – boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences)Types of play – practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation; BDSM Equipment and or furnishings and attire- what materials, adult toys and fetish wear (leather lingerie, Corsets, PVC etc.) will be used; Duration of the scene – at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time :Health concerns – talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications and other Safety measures – any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong way

Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any

Safe words – one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

Negotiation that takes place after session is focused mainly on the following: possible drawbacks or otherwise positive moments, feelings and suggestions on the next sessions often referred too as Aftercare.

2. Relationships negotiation is a form of negotiation that concerns consideration of building up a scene relationship or a more committed 24/7 relationships. Partners who are interested in long-term relationships sign up a kind of contract that is similar to one a couple signs when getting married. Together with the questions that concern BDSM activity, partners discuss long-term arrangements: type of this relationship, agreement on living together, financial and psychological responsibilities. When both parties agree on TPE relationships they usually agree on signing up a contract in support of their commitment to BDSM lifestyle and each other. Such contracts do not have a legal base but they allow partners to determine all the aspects of their lifestyle more clearly.

Negotiation is aimed to give a certain order to BDSM scene especially when things are quite new to both partners. Here is one of the examples of the issues that can be included in a negotiation form on a forthcoming BDSM scene. Of course, negotiation form is an individual thing and you may well variegate sections and suggest to make it more detailed.

Sample Negotiation form

General information about your partner

Name (nickname)
Age
Marital status
Address
Participants
number of participants
observer (if any)

Roles

Domme
Sub

The way of addressing the other

Mistress
slave
pet
others

Psychological needs

humiliation
pain
verbal abuse
control
embarrassment
mind play

Outfit

sensual wear
fetish attire
costumes
undressed
erotic jewelry

other preferences

Sex toys
Vibrators, dildos, anal toys

BDSM toys:

Bondage(cuffs, rope, spreader bars, suspension devices, harness etc)
Sensory deprivation (gags, blindfolders, hoods, masks)
Discipline devices (paddles, floggers, nipple clamps, cock rings, chastity devices)

Sexual preferences

anal sex (including rimming, anilingus)
Fisting

masturbation

oral sex
no sexual intercourse
kissing

Health concerns

allergies
STD’s
contraception
general health problems
medications taken
medical aids

safety measures

Time, date and place where the scene will be held
Limits
Physical limits
Psychological limits

Marks

Acceptable
unacceptable

Safe words

Safe words for slowing down
Safe words to stop the game

* Non-verbal signs

Experience

For top
For bottom

Materials leather metal tape rope etc

Type of play: Bondage:

Bondage positions(standing, lying, suspended, kneeling, etc)
Parts of the body restrained (ankles, hands, knees, elbows)
Level of immovability
Discipline (spanking, flogging, hot wax play, pain play, cock and ball torture etc)
Sensory deprivation (gagging, blindfolding, ear plugging, mummification)
Knife play
Blood play
Fire play
Hot wax play
Role-playing etc.

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

March 9, 2024August 20, 2024

SSC V’s RACK

RACK

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK, also Risk-Accepted Consensual Kink) is an acronym used by some of the BDSM/Femdom community to describe themselves and their philosophies. It specifies that any activity between fully-informed consenting adults is acceptable.

Philosophy

RACK’s tenets are best described by a deconstruction of the acronym.

Risk: We have thought about this and assessed any risk
Aware: We are aware of what we are doing and the risks it carries
Consensual: We have sought this out and have agreed to take part
Kink: Alternative sex.

The RACK philosophy encompasses several elements that are consensually agreed upon among the larger BDSM/Femdom community, (generally referred to as “Safe, sane and consensual” or SSC), but expands upon those elements to include elements of edgeplay and play that is engaged in without safewords.

RACK focuses primarily upon awareness and informed consent, rather than accepted safe practices. For example, RACK participants are aware that legal consent often does not create a defence to criminal liability for any injuries caused during edgeplay, and that under English law, non-physical injuries are included in the definition of grievous bodily harm. An SSC person would shy away from such activities as too unsafe. A RACK person on the other hand would analyze the risk, and decide for themselves whether they would accept that risk.

History

RACK was coined in reaction to dissatisfaction within the BDSM community regarding the internal and external political issues surrounding the SSC ethos Gary Switch in an essay that has circulated among USENET lists, first proposed the term over the mailing list out of a desire to form a more accurate portrayal of the type of play that many engage in

Safe, sane and consensual

Safe, sane and consensual (SSC) is one of several phrases used by a large section of the Femdom/BDSM and sexual bondage communities to describe themselves and their philosophies who regard SSC to be a watchword for safety. The principles are that BDSM activities should be:

Safe: attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health
Sane: activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible cast of mind
Consensual: all activities should involve the full informed consent of all parties involved, but note that legal consent may not create a defense to criminal liability for any injuries caused and that, for these purposes, non-physical injuries are included in the definition of grievous bodily harm in English law.

Other people in the BDSM community do not consider SSC to be an accurate term for these relationships/activities. The term Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is sometimes used as a substitute description.

For those who dissent, issues generally arise from the subjective nature of each term in SSC when using the term as a yardstick to evaluate activities. It can be argued that the terms in RACK are equally subjective. “How safe is safe enough” is a legitimate question, and “how aware is aware enough” is an equally legitimate question.

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

March 9, 2024August 20, 2024

safeword

A safeword is a codeword or series of codewords that are sometimes used in Femdom/BDSM to mean that a submissive (or ‘bottom’) is reaching a physical, emotional or moral boundary or for the dominant (or ‘top’) to stop the scene play. Safewords are agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants. Many organized Femdom groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.

Forms of Safeword in Femdom

In BDSM, the safeword is generally used so that the ‘bottom’ can scream “no, stop”, etc. as much as he wants without really meaning it, and still have a way of indicating a serious desire that the scene stops. Accordingly, a safeword is usually a word that the person would not ordinarily say during sex, such as red light, big tree, scrambled eggs, or even aardvark. Commonly the word safeword itself is used as a safeword. It is the default at many play parties. With the range of safewords in common use it is important that the safeword be negotiated beforehand.

Green, Yellow and Red

Some partners have different gradations of safeword, such as green to mean “ok” or even “harder” or “more,” yellow to mean “slow down” or “stop doing that” without stopping the scene, and red to mean “let’s stop the scene”.

On Request

Another way to use safe words is for a ‘top’ to ask the ‘bottom’ “What is your color?” – So in addition to red and yellow, green is a common safe word used to indicate, “I’m fine” or even “push harder.”

Non-Verbal

In other circumstances the safeword may not be a “word” at all, which is very useful when the submissive is bound and gagged. In these instances a signal such as dropping a bell or a ball, the snapping of fingers, or making three clear and rhythmic grunts or some other specific vigorous movement works as a pre-defined signal to stop or otherwise slow down the scene. There is also a convention of tops to put a finger in the ‘bottom’ ‘s hand as a sort of ‘check in’ when the ‘bottom’ has become non-verbal, such as may happen as they reach subspace. In this scenario the ‘bottom’ squeezes the ‘top’s finger to indicate OK.

Dropping Roleplay

In the case of sexual role-play, some simply drop out of character to safeword, such as having the submissive address the dominant by her first name.

Who Can Use asafe word?

It is a common misconception that safeword is only for the bottom’s physical and emotional safety. It is in fact important that it can be used by all participants in a scene: bottoms, tops, dungeon masters at play parties and even at times observers.

For example a common practices in BDSM involves a bottom misbehaving intentionally to indicate the desire for harsher treatment. Sometimes a top will need to safeword the scene to let them know they have gone too far for them.

Third parties observing the scene may have the ability to spot something dangerous going on that both the top and bottom have missed, and need to stop the scene to point it out.

No-Fault

Probably the most common reason that bottoms and submissives hesitate to safeword is fear of disappointing the top. This can cause a scene to go on where it should have stopped, causing some form of harm to its participants. As such it is considered important in many parts of the BDSM community that the use of safeword remain no-fault so that participants feel as safe as possible using it. Reassuring the party that safeworded is a common practice for this reason as well. Discouraging the use of safeword runs the risk of future scenes becoming non-consensual and harming the bottom’s trust.

Play without Safeword

While many in the Femdom community consider safewords an essential part of safe play, there is a significant contingent that does not have any such term in their relationships or their play. Some of these people simply use the word Stop, but this is risky because it may be misinterpreted as role-playing.

Others rely on the ‘top’ to monitor the condition of the ‘bottom’ and stop if necessary, at their discretion. In such circumstances the ‘bottom’ or submissive must have consented not to have control over the duration of the scene in advance.

Interestingly, some of those who recommend safewords do not themselves use them – though this is not often discussed in public. There is an undercurrent assumption that play without safewords is an “advanced” technique and should not be advocated in the hearing of novices. BDSM activity without a safeword is regarded by many as inadvisable and dangerous. Ignoring safewords is considered dishonorable and a deeply immoral practice in the BDSM community.

Discouraging the use of safeword runs the risk of future scenes becoming non-consensual and harming the bottom’s trust.

Further reading:

Nonverbal Ways to Safewords Within a Femdom Scene : Within the dynamics of a femdom scene, communication is paramount to ensure the safety and comfort of all participants. While vocal safewords are commonly used to indicate a need to pause or stop the play, there are scenarios where verbal communication may not be feasible. In such instances, the implementation of nonverbal safewords becomes crucial.

Navigating the Aftermath of Using Your Safeword: A Guide to Emotional and Physical Recovery

D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?

Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.

Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract

Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.

BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship

SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?

Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.

Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.

Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

March 9, 2024August 20, 2024

BDSM RIGHTS

This site promotes the concept of “BDSM Rights”

We hold the belief that people who’s sexuality or relationship preferences include Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, or Sadism and Masochism (“BDSM”) deserve the same human rights as everyone else, and should not be discriminated against for pursuing BDSM with consenting adults.

This page links to off site ongoing campaigns, BDSM-specific organizations, other human rights groups, and documents.

Campaigns related to specific abuses of the human rights of BDSM people.

Backlash
http://www.backlash-uk.org.uk

“The Home Office has begun a process to make it illegal to possess extreme adult images. … Backlash is the campaigning organisation bringing together individuals and activist groups to oppose this legislation.”

BDSM-HumanRights
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BDSM-HumanRights

“On Wednesday 26th July 2000 in the UK began the start of a violation of human rights by an employer. So far it has resulted in the dismissal of someone because of so called ‘inappropriate activities’, that is involvement in BDSM. This list was set up as a place where people can be kept up to date with the progress of that case, find out how they can help with the ‘fight’ and as a general resource for others, in both the UK and other parts of the world, that find themselves in similar positions.”

Revise F65
http://www.revisef65.org/

“A European network built to work towards the removal of Fetishism and SM as psychiatric diagnoses from the ICD, the International Classification of Diseases published by the World Health Organization (WHO). The initiative was started by the Norwegian National Association for Lesbian and Gay Liberation (LLH) and is supported by the European region of the International Lesbian and Gay Association (ILGA) and the European Confereration of Motorcycle Clubs (ECMC.)”

BDSM Organisations

Organizations with an ongoing role in promoting the rights or civil liberties of BDSM people. National Leather Association

MissBonnie copyright (c) CollarNcuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

March 9, 2024August 20, 2024

Sample 3

TEMPORARY CONTRACT OF CONSENSUAL OWNERSHIP

UPDATE 2022: please note there plenty more downloadable contacts contained within our Free Community under Free PDFs, Downloads and printables

The purpose of this instrument is to:

State the full mutual consent of the undersigned in regards to this relationship.

Explain the responsibilities and duties of both [Master/Mistress] and slave.

Define safewords and their use.

Explain the use of punishment.

Foster a greater sense of communication between the respective parties.

This contract is in no way legally binding, and is meant only as an aid to better understanding of the needs, duties and responsibilities of [Master/Mistress] and slave.

I …………….. , hereinafter referred to as slave, do of my own free will, and being of sound mind and body, do hereby offer myself in consensual slavery to…………….. , hereinafter referred to as [Master/Mistress], for the period beginning at midnight on and ending at midnight on…………….. .
This agreement may be terminated at any time before the above named date by either party only in the event of breach of contract. On the above named date this agreement will be reviewed, renegotiated and rewritten, or terminated.

Provisions of Contract

1.) Slave agrees to obey to the best of [his/her] ability, and to devote [him/her]self entirely to the pleasure and desires of [Master/Mistress]. Slave also renounces all rights to [his/her] own pleasure, comfort, or gratification except insofar as permitted by [Master/Mistress]. [Master/Mistress] agrees to learn what excites slave through exploration and communication and try to incorporate this into the relationship.

2.) [Master/Mistress] accepts full responsibility of slave. This includes but is not limited to: slave’s survival, health, physical well being, and mental well being. Slave accepts full responsibility for informing [Master/Mistress] of any real or perceived dangers or safety concerns, but also agrees that [Master/Mistress]’s decision will be final regarding these issues. [Master/Mistress] agrees that slave will not be punished for respectfully stating these concerns. [Master/Mistress] further agrees to listen to slave’s concerns with a clear and open mind. [Master/Mistress] shall endeavor not to inflict physical harm upon slave which might require the attention of someone outside the relationship.

3.) Slave agrees at all times to make [his/her] body readily available to [Master/Mistress] for [his/her] use. Slave will have hair washed and brushed in the style [Master/Mistress] prefers at all times. Slave agrees to wear any and all clothing, makeup, jewelry, etc. that [Master/Mistress] chooses.

4.) Slave agrees to accept the responsibility of using a safeword or safe gesture when necessary. Slave acknowledges that safeword is “…………….. ” and safe gesture is……………… [Master/Mistress] accepts the responsibility of stopping activities in progress to assess situations where slave safewords and will, to the best of [his/her] ability, make judgment on whether to modify the activity or stop activity entirely. Slave agrees to hold no ill will due to [Master/Mistress]’s decision. [Master/Mistress] agrees not to punish slave for the use of a safeword or safe gesture.

5.) Slave agrees to answer any and all questions asked by [Master/Mistress] freely, promptly, and to the best of [his/her] knowledge. Slave further agrees to volunteer any information that [Master/Mistress] should know regarding slave’s physical or emotional state. [Master/Mistress] agrees to never use this information to harm slave in any way.

6.) [Master/Mistress] agrees to furnish all toys such as vibrators, etc. and punishment implements such as crops and whips. Slave agrees to clean and maintain all toys and implements, have them available for [Master/Mistress]’s use at all times, and inform [Master/Mistress] of any needed repairs or replacements.

7.) Slave states that [his/her] limits are, but are not limited to: . [Master/Mistress] agrees to never violate these limits without prior negotiation of, and consent by, slave.

8.) Slave agrees to address [Master/Mistress] as [Sir/Ma’am] or [Master/Mistress] unless otherwise directed. Slave agrees to speak respectfully to [Master/Mistress] at all times, including times not spent in a scene. [Master/Mistress] may address slave in any way [he/she] so chooses.

9.) [Master/Mistress] agrees to furnish slave with a symbolic token of ownership. Slave agrees to wear this symbol at all times, except when [Master/Mistress] states to do so would be inappropriate or would non-consensually involve others.

10.) Slave agrees and understands that any infractions of this agreement, or any act slave commits which displeases [Master/Mistress], will result in punishment. Slave will gracefully accept punishment and try to learn from it. Slave agrees to assemble the punishment materials as ordered by [Master/Mistress] and assume any position needed to accept the punishment. Slave understands that failure to comply with [Master/Mistress]’s orders will result in a more severe punishment. [Master/Mistress] will inform slave that [he/she] is being punished when punishment occurs, and will explain the reason for punishment either before, during, or following punishment. [Master/Mistress] agrees to discipline only out of a desire to better the slave and [his/her] servitude, and further agrees to never punish out of, or during, feelings of anger.

Accepted, understood and agreed to

this…………….. day of…………….. , ……………..:

By: …………….. , [Master/Mistress]

…………….. , slave

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

Introduction to Submissive Rules in Femdom BDSM Relationships

Understanding Submissive Rules

Who Are Submissive Rules Really For?

When to Set Rules for Your Sub

Setting and Wording Submissive Rules

A basic sub rule for one submissive, might not suit another!

When and how to set submissive rules

Some Rule Ideas to get you started

Categories of Submissive Rules

General Rules

House Rules

Public Rules

Slave Rules

Remote Rules

Sex Rules

Examples of Submissive Rules for Beginners

Daily Check-Ins

Dress Code

Manners and Etiquette

Personal Hygiene and Self-Care

Curfews and Schedules

Review and Adaptation of Submissive Rules

Understanding Consent in Kink

What is Informed Consent?

The Issue of Coercion

Understanding Blanket Consent

What is Free Use?

Exploring Consensual Non-Consent (CNC)

Usage of Safewords in Blanket Consent Dynamics

Addressing Consent Violations

Explicit Consent

Favorite flavors and “hard limits” – i.e., those “no way in this lifetime” activities – are clarified.

Implicit Consent

Voluntary:

Informed:

Consensual:

Moral or ethical code

Respect:

Relationship:

Dominance and ego:

Recognizing domestic violence

Physical signals

Isolation

Property

Economical

Emotional/Psychological

Abuse within an erotic power exchange relationship

These are question that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is an abusive one:

General reflections

Before a Femdom scene

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits

Popular variants include:

Negotiation

Types of negotiation

Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any

Sample Negotiation form

RACK

Philosophy

History

Safe, sane and consensual

Forms of Safeword in Femdom

Green, Yellow and Red

On Request

Non-Verbal

Dropping Roleplay

Who Can Use asafe word?

No-Fault

Play without Safeword

Discouraging the use of safeword runs the risk of future scenes becoming non-consensual and harming the bottom’s trust.

Campaigns related to specific abuses of the human rights of BDSM people.Backlashhttp://www.backlash-uk.org.uk

BDSM-HumanRightshttp://groups.yahoo.com/group/BDSM-HumanRights

Revise F65http://www.revisef65.org/

BDSM Organisations

New Report

Close

Campaigns related to specific abuses of the human rights of BDSM people.

Backlash
http://www.backlash-uk.org.uk

BDSM-HumanRights
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BDSM-HumanRights

Revise F65
http://www.revisef65.org/