BDSM Parties Etiquette

people partying with confetti at a party

Are you going to a BDSM party for the first time? You are not sure about the way you should behave there?

Actually BDSM parties as well as many other events imply some certain etiquette rules. Being aware of these etiquette rules will help you feel free and more self confident among the experienced BDSM practitioners. Thus you will show your good manners and you will always be a desired quest at such parties. Actually following the etiquette rules does not begin at the party itself. As well it covers some things you should do before the party and after it.

Before the party

  • 1.Before going to a BDSM party find out whether you should bring them something. You might be asked to bring for example some food. It would be rather unpleasant if you realize that all participants of the party but you have brought something.

By the way, keep in mind that in many communities drugs and alcohol are forbidden at play parties. So do not bring such things without discussing the matter with the host.

  • 2. Before going to a play party, try to find as much information about matters you are interested in as you can. This should be done in order not to bother the party’s participants by asking foolish questions. Leave only those questions you cannot find answers to in other sources.

During the Party

Naturally the vast majority of etiquette rules concern the party itself. Necessarily keep in mind the following things: Never touch anyone without permission.

The fact that a naked man (or a woman) is standing near you, drinking lemonade and smiling does not mean that you can spank his or her buttocks or even touch his arm. No touching without permission! On the other hand you certainly can offer your hand for handshake or ask permission to embrace someone, or to kiss, or have a closer look at someone’s piercing. This is unlikely to be considered invasion, but be ready for refusal which should not offend you. You do no want everyone to touch you, do you?

Keep silence during action.

If you feel like chatting – then go somewhere else. You might think your joke or admiring comment was heard only by your neighbor. However, this is likely to turn out that it was heard by the top or bottom participating in the scene. Would you like to hear someone speak while you are reaching orgasm? You certainly would not. So be polite and keep silence. Your imprudent remarks can destroy someone’s nice scene.

Do not interfere in someone’s action even if it seems to you that everyone can take part in it. The scene might look like an invitation for everyone to join and to play with the bottom. However, the scene might have been planned in advance on purpose so that to make group play look casual. The Top might set hidden signs to those whose participation he considers necessary. You can join only if invited. If you have some doubts then ask the Top whether you should join the action or not. Never touch anyone’s BDSM toys without permission. Even if someone offered you his or her BDSM toy, ask the owner whether you can do this or that with the offered BDSM toy.

Be especially careful with someone’s metal BDSM toys, for instance with knives – it might turn out that the owner has just sterilized them.

Never stare at anything you have never seen before.

Well, you can watch and learn something new, but do be polite. Behave yourself, do not be like a 10 year boy watching his girl classmate with her skirt up.

If you see something that shocks you – too much blood, too severe tortures or nipple piercing or something you didn’t expect to see and that seems too extreme to you – try to hide your emotion. Or go out if you feel you cannot hide your reaction. Generally speaking you should relax and be as you are. Be open and friendly. Do not know what to speak about? Well, you can ask questions about BDSM techniques, BDSM toys and other things you are interested in. Listen to the answers friendly and attentively. And do not forget about sense of humor.

After party

Never mention the participants’ names

when speaking with someone who didn’t take part in the party. Never place in the Internet any information that contains someone’s names. Even mentioning a name in a letter is likely to be considered breach of etiquette. Even if you think that the person you are speaking about is not known to the person you are writing to – do not mention any names, nicknames or other details a person can be recognized by. Small world!

Clean up the play area

and pick up all your BDSM toys. Ask the hosts to give you cleaning materials so as to leave after yourself completely clean play area and furniture

Thank the hosts

Thank the hosts of the party through e-mail and do not think this is not going to be observed. Do that even if you have thanked the hosts when leaving the party.

Resource Article : MissBonnie CollarNcuffs.com

Sexual Fetishism

Table of Contents

Sexual fetishism is the sexual attraction to material and terrestrial objects while in reality the essence of the object is inanimate and sexless. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes (also known as partialism) in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner. Sexual fetishism may be regarded as a disorder of sexual preference, or as an enhancing element to a relationship.

Fetish Listing For Information Purpose Only

[ A ]

  • Acomoclitic – A preference for hairless genitals.
  • Acousticophilia – Arousal from (certain) sounds.
  • Acrophilia – Being sexual aroused by heights.
  • Acrotomophilia – Arousal by the activity/thought of having sex with an amputee.
  • Actirasty – Arousal from exposure to the suns rays.
  • Acucullophallia – Circumcision.
  • Adolescentilism – Playing the role of an adolescent.
  • Agalmatophilia – A fetish for statues/mannequins.
  • Agonophilia – Pseudo-rape, pretend struggle or wrestling play as a form of foreplay.
  • Agoraphilia – Arousal from having sex in public places.
  • Agrexophilia – Excitement from knowing that others are aware of a persons sexual activities.
  • Aischrolgia – The expression of obscenities.
  • Albutophilia – Arousal from water.
  • Algolagnia – Both Masochism and Sadism.
  • Algophilia – Enjoyment or arousal from pain.
  • Allopellia – Orgasm from watching others have sex.
  • Allorgasmia – The need to fantasise about a more desirable partner in order to orgasm.
  • Altocalciphilia – High heel fetish.
  • Alvinolagnia – Stomach fetish.
  • Amaurophilia – Excitement from having a partner who is unable to see them during sex.
  • Ambisextrous – Attractive to both sexes.
  • Amelotasis – Attraction to someone who has lost a limb.
  • Amomaxia – Sex in a parked car.
  • Amychesis – The act of scratching a partner during sex.
  • Anaclitism – Sexual enjoyment arising from activities, or being exposed to objects, normally associated with childhood (e.g. toilet training, breast sucking, playing with dolls).
  • Anasteemaphilia – Being attracted to someone due to a difference in height.
  • Anolinctus – The act of licking the anus of another.
  • Anolingus – The act of inserting the tongue into the anus of another (as opposed to just licking it).
  • Anthropophagolagnia – Rape with cannibalism (usually after the rape).
  • Anthropophagy – Cannibalism for sexual purposes.
  • Apotemnophilia – Arousal from the idea of losing a limb (either through accident or surgical procedure).
  • Arachnephilia – Arousal from play with spiders.
  • Asphyxiaphilia – Sexual arousal, or enhancement, from lack of oxygen.
  • Autagonistophilia – Arousal from being on stage, being in front of a camera or in the public eye.
  • Autoassassinophilia – “Stage managing the possibility of one’s own masochistic death by murder”. Coined by John Money.
  • Autogynephilia – Sexual excitement from cross dressing.
  • Automasochism – The act of inflicting pain or injuries on oneself as a way of causing sexual stimulation.
  • Automysophilia – Arousal from being dirty or defiled.
  • Autophagy – The ingesting of one’s own flesh (usually for sexual reasons).
  • Axillism – Using the armpit for sex (as a substitute vagina).

[ B ]

  • Belonephilia – Arousal from using of needles.
  • Bestialsadism – Arousal from performing cruel acts to animals.
  • Biastophilia – Only being aroused when sexually assaulting an unwilling victim.
  • Biiest – A female who has a fetish for female feet.
  • Blastolagnia – A person aroused by young females.
  • Botulinonia – Using a sausage as a dildo.

[ C ]

  • Capnolagnia – Arousal from watching others smoke.
  • Catheterophilia – Arousal from the use of catheters.
  • Chezolagnia – Masturbating whilst defecating.
  • Choreophilia – Sexual arousal from dancing.
  • Chrematistophilia – Arousal from either paying for sex or from being robbed.
  • Claustrophilia – Sexual arousal from being confined in small spaces e.g. cages, coffins or straight jackets.
  • Clitoridectomy – Surgical removal of the clitoris in females (obviously).
  • Coitobalnism – Sexual activities whilst in the bath.
  • Coitus A Cheval – Sex on a horse.
  • Coitus A Unda – Sex in water.
  • Coitus Interfermoris – Penetration between the thighs. Sometimes used as a form of birth control.
  • Colobosis – Mutilation of the penis.
  • Coprography – “To write with faeces”. To write obscene graffiti, poems or stories. Arousal from obscene words.
  • Coprophagy – The act of eating faeces. Quite a popular activity up until the 1700s.
  • Coprophilia – Refers to someone that is sexually aroused by faeces.
  • Corephallism – Having anal sex with a young girl.

[ D ]

  • Dacnolagnomania – A lust murder.
  • Dacryphilia – Refers to someone that is aroused by seeing tears in the eyes of their partner.
  • Dasyproctic – With hairy buttocks.
  • Defecolagbia – Arousal from defecating.
  • Dippoldism – Sexual arousal from beating/chastising children.
  • Dogging – The watching of couples having sex in parked cars.
  • Doleros – Arousal from pain.
  • Doraphilia – Love of fur or skin (usually leather).
  • Dysmorphophilia – Sexual arousal from deformities in others.

[ E ]

  • Ecorchement – Flagellation.
  • Ecouteurism – Unintentional arousal from sounds.
  • Electrophilia – Arousal from electrical stimulus.
  • Emetophilia – Arousal from vomit or vomiting.
  • Endytophilia – Refers to preferring a sex partner to be clothed rather than naked during sex.
  • Entomophilia – The use of insects for sexual stimulation.
  • Epispadias – The condition whereby the urethra opens up on the upper surface of the penis instead of extending through the centre to the tip of the penis.
  • Erotographomania – Strong desire to write love letters or poetry.

[ F ]

  • Flatuphilia – Arousal from others passing gas.
  • Formicophilia – Sex play with ants/insects.

[ G ]

  • Gerontophilia – Arousal from people who are significantly older.
  • Gomphipothic – Arousal from the sight of teeth.
  • Gynelophilous – Arousal from the sight/touch of pubic hair.
  • Gynemimetophilia – Someone is aroused by a male who is impersonating a female.

[ H ]

  • Harmatophilia – Arousal from mistake or from breaking rules.
  • Harpaxophilia – sexual arousal from being robbed.
  • Hebephilia – Attraction to teenagers.
  • Hodophilia – Sexual arousal from traveling to new or strange places.
  • Homilophilia – Arousal from giving or receiving a sermon or speech.
  • Hygrophilia – Arousal from contact with body secretions (tears, salvia etc.)
  • Hyphephilia – Sexual arousal from touching (certain) fabrics.

[ I ]

  • Iantronudia – The arousal that some people have when they expose themselves to doctors.
  • Idrophrodisia – Arousal from perspiration.
  • Inspectionism – Voyeurism. Irrumation – Fellatio.

[ J ]

  • Jactitation – Excitement or arousal from bragging about their own sexual exploits.

[ K ]

  • Kleptolagnia – Arousal from stealing.
  • Klismaphilia – Arousal from having an enema.
  • Knismolagnia – Arousal from tickling.

[ L ]

  • Lactaphilia – Arousal from lactating breasts.
  • Lagnonector – A person that kills in order to have sex with the corpse.
  • Leptosadism – Mild sadism.
  • Lygerastia – Being aroused only when in darkness.

[ M ]

  • Maieusiophilia – Arousal from the sight or presence of pregnant females.
  • Mastix – A female sadist.
  • Mastofact – Breast fetish.
  • Mazoperosis – Mutilation of the breasts.
  • Meable – Easily penetrated.
  • Melcryptovestimentaphilia – Attraction to women’s black underwear.
  • Melolagnia – Arousal from music.
  • Meretricium – A tax on prostitution.
  • Menophilist – Arousal from menstruating women.
  • Merinthophilia – Arousal from being bound.
  • Miscegenation – Sex or marriage between people of different races.
  • Mixoscopy – The secret observation of a sex act.
  • Moriaphilia – Arousal from telling sex related jokes.
  • Mucophagy – The consuming of nasal mucus.
  • Munchausen’s syndrome – Arousal from opening a wound.
  • Mysophilia – The arousal from handling soiled underwear or foul odors.

[ N ]

  • Nanophilia – Attraction to short people.
  • Naphephilia – Arousal from touching or being touched.
  • Narratophilia – Arousal from telling sex related stories, poems, jokes etc.
  • Nasophilia – Arousal from kissing, sucking, touching or looking at another’s nose.
  • Necrochlesis – The act of having sex with a corpse.
  • Necrophilia – Attraction to, or arousal from, corpses.
  • Necrosadism – Mutilation of corpses for sexual purposes.
  • Nepiophilia – Adults attraction to an infant of the opposite sex.
  • Nosolagnia – Arousal from knowing that ones partner has a terminal illness.
  • Nymphophilia – The love of a female adolescent by an adult.
  • Nymphotomy – The surgical procedure whereby the inner labia is cut away.

[ O ]

  • Ochlophilia – Refers to those own find the presence of crowds to bring sexual pleasure.
  • Oculophilia – Eyeball fetish.
  • Oculolinctus – The act of licking a persons eyeball for sexual arousal/fulfilment.
  • Ochlophilia – Arousal from biting.
  • Odontophilia – Arousal from teeth.
  • Ondinisme – Arousal from urine.
  • Ozolagnia – Arousal from odors.

[ P ]

  • Pageism – Male submitting to a female.
  • Paizogony – Petting.
  • Pathicant – A minor who engages in anal sex with an adult.
  • Paraphilia – Arousal from acts that are generally considered unacceptable by the fetishist (themselves) or society.
  • Pecattiphilia – Sexual excitement from stealing or sinning.
  • Pediophilia – Attraction to dolls.
  • Penotherapy – Regulation of prostitutes as a form of disease control.
  • Paedophilia – Adult sexual attraction to children.
  • Phallophilia – Arousal from an erect penis of exceptional dimensions (length or girth).
  • Philemanmania – Compulsion to kiss.
  • Philematology – The art of kissing.
  • Phlebotomy – Blood letting. Often practiced for sexual purposes by Vampyres.
  • Phobophilia – Arousal from fear.
  • Phygephilia – Arousal from flight (as in run away).
  • Podophilia – Foot fetish.
  • Polyiterophilia – The need for several sex partners before orgasm can occur.
  • Psychrocism – Arousal from cold, or, arousal from seeking another that is cold.
  • Psychrotentiginous – Arousal from cold water.
  • Pygmalionism – Attraction to manikins.
  • Pygophilia – Arousal from touching, playing with or seeing another’s buttocks.
  • Pyrolagnia – Sexual arousal form watching fire.
  • Pyrophilia – Sexual arousal from fire.

[ R ]

  • Raptophilia – Arousal from raping a victim.
  • Rhabdophilia – Arousal from being flogged, beaten or caned.

[ S ]

  • Sacofricosis – The practice of cutting a hole in the pockets of trousers so that a person can masturbate (usually in public).
  • Satyriasis – Male equivalent of nymphomania.
  • Scopophilia – Arousal from looking at people or events.
  • Shunammitism – Contact (does not have to be physical) with young girls by old men to encourage or restore sexual vigor.
  • Siderodromophilia – Sexual excitement from either viewing or riding upon trains.
  • Sitophilia – The use of food for sexual purposes.
  • Sthenolagnia – Arousal from a display of strength and/or the sight or muscles.
  • Stigmatophilia – Finding body modifications arousing (tattoos, piercings, scarification etc.)
  • Symphorophilia – Sexual arousal from causing many casualties (train crash, burning hospitals, explosions)

[ T ]

  • Tantalolagnia – Arousal from teasing.
  • Taphephilia – Arousal from being buried alive.
  • Thalpotentiginy – Arousal from heat.
  • Timophilia – Arousal from power or wealth.
  • Tragolimia – Desire for sex regardless of attraction to partner.
  • Trichophilia – Hair Fetish.
  • Tripsolagnia – Arousal from having one’s hair shampooed by another.
  • Tripsolagnophilia – Arousal from massage.

[ U ]

  • Urophilia – Sexual arousal from contact with urine.
  • Urtication – The use of stinging plants to stimulate the skin.

[ V ]

  • Vampirism – The drinking of blood/fetishism for blood.
  • Vicarphilia – Arousal from another person sexual experience/s.
  • Vincilagnia – Arousal from bondage.

[ X ]

  • Xenophilia – Sexual arousal from strangers.

[ Z ]

  • Zelophilia – Arousal from jealousy.
  • Zoophilia – Sex between humans and (other) animals.
  • Zwischenstufe – Arousal from person/s of the same sex.

Article MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SLAVES AND SUBMISSIVES

sexy man wearing clover clamps with chain in mouth

Many ask if slaves truly exist. In the way a dictionary and history define slavery, no they do not exist in most modern countries. (Though there is some contention that slavery rings do still exist in secret) Most people in civilized countries generally agree that the legal ownership of another human being is immoral and thus make it illegal. However, in the world of BDSM, one will find that some of the people involved call themselves by many different terms; one of these is the term “slave”. Of course, this often raises the question of how is a slave different from a submissive. This question often is met with outright hostility, disbelief in the existence of slaves and the thought that the words slave and submissive (as nouns) are interchangeable terms within the context of BDSM. Many will not agree with any of those thoughts, and I am one of them. I have spent a great deal of time talking with slaves in the honest attempt to better understand them, their lifestyle choices, and judge for myself whether or not this is a healthy variation to the BDSM lifestyle.

To the question of whether or not slaves exist inside of BDSM I say that yes they do. They may not be the largest group, but there are quite a few. Do slaves differ from submissives? Again, my answer is yes they do. Slaves tend to differ from submissives by the way they think, act, submit and their expectations.

A slave tends to think more along the lines of black and white. They have very little room for leeway or shades of gray in their lifestyle choices. They do not seem to expect much leeway in the reaction of their dominant either. By this I mean, if a slave is feeling ill and thus doesn’t complete all their usual daily tasks, they will expect the dominant to react with the usual punishment. A submissive may be more inclined to expect leniency from the dominant because they were ill. A slave thinks in terms of being owned, not in terms of submitting. To them, being in a collared relationship means they are owned, and often this translates into the statement that they do not have the “right” “choice” or “option” to walk out if the relationship goes bad. This does not mean a slave will accept an abusive relationship, though their tolerance limits for what is abusive and what is not seem to be higher than those of a submissive. This belief in ownership stems from a strong commitment on both an emotional and mental level to the dominant. There is a level of acceptance of the dominant’s behavior that can be more intense and widespread than many submissives would allow. For example, a dominant wants to bring in a third to the relationship.

A submissive may demand certain criteria be met before they allow ( yes, allow) such to occur, whereas a slave may say “It is not up to me, if this is what Master wants, so be it” and quietly accept this new change. To some this kind of thought process is considered wrong or somehow brought out by abuse, but this is not necessarily true. A slave thrives on the absolute fact, that they literally have no control over the relationship or what will occur within it, whereas a submissive often retains some level of control in the relationship. The thought process focuses solely on what would make the master/mistress happiest and how the slave can be most pleasing to them. Subs tend to think of themselves and their own pleasure in addition to that of their dominant. Slaves work very hard to put themselves second in all the things and their owners first. To them, this is what comes with being a slave and submitting completely. Slaves put forth a lot of effort in achieving an inner peace with their chosen position. With this peace comes acceptance of themselves, and a quiet sense of contentment. They view pride, arrogance and other such emotions as negative and unbecoming in a slave.

A slave’s behavior is different from a submissive as well. If you listen to slaves talk about their behavior (or watch them), they often speak of being quietly accepting, in control of themselves at all times, formal, and other such things. There seems to be more focus on how the slave behaves at any given moment, with less leeway. In many slave relationships, the slave is required to use an honorific at all times, and couldn’t conceive of calling their master/mistress by any other name. Most slaves find yelling, tantrums, fits, or any other out of control behavior on the part of a slave to be reprehensible and deserving of severe punishment. Slaves put a lot of emphasis on their behavior and how they react to their dominant. They hold themselves to a high level of self-control. They require of themselves to have a pleasing demeanor as much as possible. They see no room for bratting behavior, any form of topping from the bottom, or any other form of manipulating the dominant. They see bratting as topping from the bottom, whining, cajoling or making requests after the initial denial as manipulative behavior that focuses on the slave’s needs/desires instead of the dominant’s and thus not proper. They look down on any behavior that is perceived as designed to force the dominant to meet a need of the slave, rather than the slave focusing on the dom’s needs. A slave will strive for perfection within themselves in completing all the tasks their master/mistress gives to them, while still keeping an eye out for things that they were not specifically told to do, but think would please their owner if they did them.

A slave is required to be very self sufficient and capable because they often have a lot of responsibility placed on them. Slaves often feel that a slave should not need to be micro managed by their dominant because this is not pleasing, unless of course the dominant likes to micro manage. A slave will behave with the utmost of respect in a formal situation, and with as much respect as any situation warrants. (For example, quiet time at home may not require as strict a protocol as a formal party would) None of this emphasis on behavior means that a slave can’t or does not crack jokes, goof off, or engage in verbal banter. Many slaves do indeed do these things. They do so however, with a great attention to the dominant’s reaction and are careful not to be hurtful or overly sarcastic. Unless of course the dominant does not like this kind of behavior, then a slave will do their best to curtail it. (Which can be quite difficult, and in my opinion unhealthy, for someone who has a very playful sense of humor as an inherent part of their personality) So please do not take this article to say that slaves are not playful, have no sense of humor or anything like that because it just is not true. Slaves have the same array of personalities that everyone else does, and they enjoy them just like anyone else does. Slaves just tend to be a lot more aware of the dominant’s limits to such activities than some submissives are. They also do not use their playful senses of humor (if they have one) to brat a dominant into playing with them, unless the dominant likes this kind of role play scene. Basically they tailor their behaviors to what the dominant prefers and is most comfortable with.

A slave’s expectations from the dominant and the relationship are often very different from those of a submissive. A slave does not expect to have their desires met beyond their basic life supporting necessities. When their dominant does do something for them, they see it as a gift, not a necessity. Slaves tend to view things that many submissives expect in a relationship, as a luxury not a necessity. This does not mean that a slave will accept being abused or treated like they are worthless for extended periods of time, it just means they do not expect all the trappings that others expect from their relationships. (such as cuddling on demand, talking whenever the slave wants to talk, sleeping in a bed etc) Slaves expect their relationship to be difficult at times and their submission to not be easy all the time. They expect to be asked or ordered to do things they may not necessarily enjoy because the focus is not on their enjoyment or pleasure, but on that of their dominant. They expect to be treated as a slave and not pampered or cajoled to. They expect to be pushed to their current limits and have those limits pushed to expand. They expect to meet their dominants needs at all times and to not have their dominant accept any manipulation or disobedience. They expect to be used to the full extent of their current abilities and even trained (or taught through schooling etc.) to broaden their abilities to meet their dominant’s needs. They do not expect to be consulted on every decision, asked their opinion all the time, or similar things. This does not mean they expect to be ignored or treated as if they do not matter, they just do not expect this as a normal part of the relationship, though most say their thoughts opinions, feelings and such are demanded by their dominant and the dominant will often take them into consideration while making decisions.

A slave submits differently from a submissive as well. Slaves will set no limits on their dominant’s activities. A submissive will often have hard limits that their dominant can not cross at all, and soft limits that can be pushed with prior negotiation. A slave has neither. They will not say that the dominant can’t do a certain type of play or use a specific implement. They may tell the dominant that they do not like certain activities or implements at the beginning of the relationship (preferably before a collar) but they do not ban the dominant from using/doing those things. They expect to be asked to do things they may not particularly like and they consider it as part of submission because to them, submission is not about pleasing the slave, but about pleasing the dominant. Most slaves will say that because of this it is imperative that the slave chose to submit to a dominant whose likes/dislikes are a close match of their own and thus they will not be asked or ordered to do something they are totally opposed to. But even then, the slave will expect that these limits may change over time and accept it should it occur. A slave does not believe they can just leave the relationship. Some believe once they are collared it is for life and will not request release even if they feel their lives are in danger or they are being mentally/emotionally harmed. However, many relationships with slaves have guidelines in place for release of the slave should the slave truly desire such. Some slaves believe a slave can’t possibly be abused since the dominant has no limits on what they can do to them, and if the dominant chooses to act in an abusive manner then that is their choice. This does not however seem to be the majority belief, but it also does exist.

Many of these differences overlap, and are applicable to submissives as well. However, as a whole they exist for most slaves that I have come into contact with. A slave is not better than a submissive in my opinion, merely different. Some of these characteristics can exist in a submissive, or even all of them. The base-separating factor between the two seems to be in the area of limits within submission. A slave sets none, a submissive does. Which word one uses to describe themselves remains a matter of personal choice, and my intent with this article is not to say otherwise. Instead my intent is to help others understand slaves a bit better and not look at them as mindless robots or doormats, because those two terms just do not fit the vast majority of lifestyle slaves. Whether or not being a slave is a healthy lifestyle choice is a matter of personal preference. I believe it can be a very healthy choice, others do not agree. Like any relationship where the balance of power rests with one person over the other, abuse can occur. I do not however see any reason to say it is more widespread among slaves over submissives, or in bdsm at all.

Article by MistressTemptingAsSin © collarncuffs.com

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

Emergency Training

Emergency Training for SM Practitioners and practitioners of Femdom BDSM play

A young woman is being hoisted in suspension bondage when the winch handle slips from her Master’s hand and she plummets back to the floor. A man strains at the cuffs holding his hands above his head and the overhead eyebolt pulls loose; he crashes onto the floor, and the heavy chain attached to his wrist cuffs then crashes down upon him. A woman giving an intense whipping on a hot, humid day becomes nauseated, pale, and sweaty. A man quietly waiting for a lecture to begin at an SM club meeting suddenly slumps to the floor; the people who go to his aid discover that he has no pulse.

All of the above are examples of actual emergency situations that have arisen within the SM community. Of course, many, many more incidents have also occurred. Indeed, when I’m asked to give an “SM for Beginners” talk, one of my favorite observations is “we are talking here about an activity in which it’s common for two people to go off alone together, and for one of them to tie the other very securely and then proceed to beat them with various blunt instruments. Allow me to suggest the radical notion that doing this could be dangerous.”

There is almost no such thing as life without risk. As long as somebody has something that they don’t want to lose – their life, their property, their reputation, whatever – then they face at least some degree of risk. Indeed, the phrase “he’s got nothing left to lose” indicates that someone could be extremely dangerous.

So the bad news is that almost all of us, no matter how quietly we live, face at least some degree of risk. For example, as I sit here in San Francisco working on this article, there is at least a small chance that an earthquake might strike. (Actually, some SM scenes were in progress when the last “big one” struck the Bay Area in 1989, and we learned a number of valuable lessons thereby. More on those lessons in a later article.) The good news is that it’s possible, with only a modest amount of effort, to prepare ourselves to respond effectively to most emergency situations.

All SM play involves some risk. Indeed, exploring that risk is part of SM’s attraction for many people. Exceptionally risky play, such as playing with real firearms or with strangulation, is not necessarily irresponsible play, as long as the players understand and are both physically and emotionally prepared to deal with the degree and type of risk they are taking. On the other hand, to play while ignorant or heedless of the risks involved may get you nominated for “the Darwin Award.” (When all is said and done, we all bottom to Master Charles Darwin.)

Proper emergency preparation depends on having a somewhat informed understanding of exactly what an emergency is. The word “emergency” derives from the infinitive verb “to emerge” and is defined in one of my books for ambulance crews as “the sudden and unexpected appearance of a situation in which life and/or property is in jeopardy and in which the rendering of immediate assistance is essential.” In other words, some set of unexpected circumstances has literally “emerged” that has placed life and/or property in danger, and somebody needs to immediately do something about that.

I’ve found that almost all emergencies fall into one of three categories:

  • (1) Behaviorial emergencies which involve violence, other criminal activity,or mentally unstable behavior.
  • (2) Environmental emergencies which involve fire, power failure, earthquake, and similar occurrences.
  • (3) Medical emergencies which involve matters such as heart attacks, seizures, and trauma.

A well-prepared SM practitioner will have at least a fundamental understanding of all three types of emergencies, and will be both trained and equipped to respond to them. In this article, I’ll mainly cover where and how to obtain the basic training and education one needs to evaluate and cope with SM-related medical emergencies. In a follow-up article, I’ll cover details of how to treat common SM-related conditions.

There are three general categories of medical emergencies. Those that can be handled without professional assistance such as a minor muscle strain; those that need prompt, but not emergency, professional assistance such as a superficial laceration on the arm, and those emergencies which require emergency, professional assistance such as a heart attack. A knowledgeable SM practitioner will be able to determine which type of emergency they are dealing with, and will be able to respond accordingly.

One of the most useful concepts to keep in mind is that the goal of all emergency care is to stabilize – to turn an unstable, dangerous situation into a stable, safe situation. Indeed, one of the most useful questions you can ask yourself in any emergency is “what needs to be done to stabilize this situation?”

Therefore, as a general rule, you should seek or call for help when the resources you have available are not adequate to stabilize the situation. For example, on one end of the severity spectrum, you would probably be able to dig out a shallowly located splinter without any help. On the other end of this spectrum, dealing with a cardiac arrest would probably be beyond your capabilities and it would be time to call 911.

There are two books in print which do a very good job of educating people regarding how to evaluate a wide range of medical symptoms, when and how to attempt self-care, when to schedule a doctor’s appointment, and when to call 911. The first is the “Healthwise Handbook” (eleventh edition) by Kemper, McIntosh, and Roberts, published by Healthwise, Inc. International Standard Book Number (ISBN) 1-877930-04-0. This highly popular book has been in print since 1975 and has won an American Health Book Award.

The second book is “The American Medical Association Guide to your Family’s Symptoms.” It’s edited by Drs. Clayman and Curry, and published by Random House. ISBN # 0-679-74128-3. This book, formerly titled “The American Medical Association Home Medical Advisor,” is perhaps not as good regarding self-care measures as the first book, but contains an outstanding series of flowcharts that make it a superior aid to evaluating what various symptoms may indicate. I strongly suggest that you make at least one of these books, and preferably both of them, part of your permanent library.

You can learn a lot about self-care methods for less severe conditions from the above books, and from other resources that I’ll mention later. However, to learn how to care for the more severe conditions, you’ll need to take an actual class in First Aid and CPR.

Before we go into those details, let’s take a look at who will show up at the scene of a major emergency. The players in this little drama are the victim, the bystanders, the first responders (typically police officers, fire fighters, lifeguards, factory medics, and others), the ambulance crew, and the hospital emergency room staff.

All emergency medicine is something of an exercise in passing the buck. The job of the bystanders is to try to keep the patient alive until the first responders get there. The first responders try to keep the patient alive until the ambulance crew gets there. The ambulance crew tries to keeps the patient alive until they reach the emergency room, and so forth.

The person who plays the biggest role in determining how this drama ends is the victim. They make most of the decisions regarding their own health, and their actions play the leading role in determining the outcome. For example, if a chest pain patient is going to suffer a cardiac arrest, they will probably do so within the first two hours after the symptoms start, yet the average chest pain patient waits over three hours before calling for help.

The person who plays the next-biggest role in determining the outcome of an emergency is anyone else who happens to be in the area when the emergency occurs. These are commonly called bystanders and, if they attempt to render aid, are sometimes more formally referred to as “citizen responders” or, in the United Kingdom, as “first aiders.”

The most important tasks of a citizen responder are to recognize severe emergencies for what they are, promptly call the Emergency Medical Service (EMS), and keep the victim alive until the emergency crews arrive.

In the average urban or suburban area, the first responders will probably arrive on the scene within about five to fifteen minutes of being called, with the ambulance crew arriving soon after that. Therefore, citizen responders have the greatest need to intervene in those conditions which will kill the patient before the first responders arrive. Five such conditions account for almost all such deaths, therefore good first aid training for citizen responders will place the most emphasis on dealing with these specific conditions.

These five conditions are:

  • (1) an airway that has been blocked due to obstruction by the tongue or a foreign object,
  • (2) stopped breathing,
  • (3) cardiac arrest,
  • (4) severe bleeding, and
  • (5) a severe allergic reaction.

Of these five conditions, it is cardiac arrest, usually secondary to a heart attack, that is by far the most common cause of death.

A number of resources probably exist in your community that can provide adequate First Aid and CPR training. You can get a good idea of what’s available by checking your local yellow pages under “First Aid Instruction” and “First Aid Supplies.” Almost all of such training will be given by instructors authorized through one of the following four agencies: (1) the American Red Cross, (2) the American Heart Association, (3) the National Safety Council, and (4) Medic First Aid.

Of these four agencies, the one most likely to offer readily accessible “off the street” training to the average citizen is the American Red Cross.(If you ask around your local SM club, you may find that there is an “in house” instructor and perhaps an “all-perv” class can be organized. I teach several such classes every year in the San Francisco Bay Area.)

The “gold standard” of training in First Aid and CPR for the average citizen is the American Red Cross class called Standard First Aid. This class is about six and one-half hours long, and covers all five topics listed above plus some additional material. Most Red Cross chapters offer it several times every month. As of this writing, the typical fee is about $50.00 per student. Reduced cost and even free classes are sometimes available. Students who successfully complete the course receive an “Adult CPR” card considered good for one year and a “Standard First Aid” card considered good for three years. (I recommend that people retake the entire class once a year.)

If you help care for infants or small children, you would also want to ask about obtaining training in infant and child CPR. The techniques used on these smaller victims are somewhat different.

Good further training would include how to do two-person CPR and how to perform mouth-to-mask breathing. These topics are covered in the Red Cross class called “CPR for the Professional Rescuer” and the American Heart Association class called “CPR for the Healthcare Provider.” The latter class textbook, and maybe the class itself, also covers how to use cricoid pressure to prevent an unconscious person from regurgitating and aspirating vomitus – a very useful technique to know. The textbook for this class is the American Heart Association’s “Textbook of Basic Life Support for Healthcare Providers” (ISBN # 0-87493-615-2) and it does a very good job of outlining how to care for various cardiopulmonary emergencies, including cardiac arrest, heart attack, and stroke. I strongly recommend that you add this book to your library.

The Red Cross offers both basic and more advanced training. If the idea of getting some comprehensive training in managing medical emergencies appeals to you, then ask your local Red Cross chapter when their next first responder class (called “Emergency Response”) is being offered. In this class, which is roughly fifty hours in length, student first responders learn how to perform a comprehensive assessment of a patient (including how to take their blood pressure), how to perform both basic and advanced CPR techniques, how to manage a wide variety of injuries and medical emergencies, and even how to deliver babies. Many first responder courses also include instruction in how to administer oxygen, and some even teach how to shock a stopped heart back into beating.

I need to make a brief advisory about instructor quality here – namely that quality of instruction can vary wildly from one instructor to another, and entirely too many instructors do a very poor job. I’ve been an instructor for over sixteen years, for a number of different agencies. Based on this experience, I can tell you that, despite very strident official claims to the contrary, there is an almost complete lack of quality control in this field – and it shows. Indeed, one of the worst instructors it was ever my misfortune to co-teach with was himself a very senior instructor-trainer. This person was in charge of training instructors, and those instructors were then turned loose to teach on their own with almost no follow-up supervision, and yet he was nothing short of a babbling, rambling disaster. The quality of instructor he produced, and the quality of students that they went on to produce, do not lend themselves well to calm contemplation.

As a rule, you should try to find an instructor who has at least one year of full-time EMS experience, or its equivalent, and who has been trained to at least the paramedic level. However, I’ve known instructors who met both of these criteria who nonetheless did very poor quality work. I’ve also known (a few) instructors who met neither criteria and yet who did very good quality work.

A good instructor will explain things clearly and will not try to bluff their way through when they don’t know the answer to a question you might ask. They will teach in a calm, organized, positive manner, and after you have finished taking their class you should feel somewhat more relaxed, more knowledgeable, and more confident of your ability to handle an emergency.

If, after taking their class, you feel the instructor was disorganized, dictatorial, or unduly negative in their approach, or if you now feel less confident, confused, and more tense about your ability to respond to an emergency, then you may have drawn a bad instructor and it’s time to go looking for another one (and to communicate your misgivings back to the instructor’s agency).

If you can’t relate well to your instructor, at least concentrate on the class video and any textbook that you are given. These are generally accurate and relatively “instructor proof.”

The “holy grail” of managing a medical emergency generally consists of the following steps (minor variations are taught in different programs):

  • 1. Survey the scene. This involves making a general survey of the emergency scene before you go running in to care for obvious victims. Make sure that there are no life-threatening hazards to you before you go racing in.
  • 2. Call for obviously needed major back-up. In the event of a large fire, multi-car crash, or similar situation, making sure that 911 really has been called may be the most important action that a citizen can take.
  • 3. Control hazards (if possible). Putting out small fires, diverting traffic, and taking similar measures help keep a bad situation from becoming worse. If doing this is exceptionally difficult or hazardous, call 911.
  • 4. Gain access to the victim(s). Most of the time, gaining access will be so easy to accomplish that one will hardly be aware of it being a separate step in emergency care. However, if gaining access is exceptionally difficult or hazardous, it’s once again time to call 911.
  • 5. Provide for what’s called “body substance isolation” (BSI). This mostly means keeping gloves made of latex (or vinyl, or plastic) readily available so that you can put them on in hurry. This is not a good time to be getting people’s blood, or other fluids, on you. (If you do get so exposed,immediately wash off, or otherwise remove, the fluids. Some emergency personnel carry foil packets containing nonoxynol-9 or a similar disinfectant for just this reason. It’s also crucial to get a medical consult promptly. Additionally, please note that it’s now possible to get immunized against both Hepatitis A and Hepatitis B. Ask your physician about having this done before an exposure occurs.)
  • 6. Perform what’s called a Primary Survey. This involves rapidly assessing the victim’s level of consciousness, making sure that their airway is not blocked, making sure that they are breathing, making sure that they have a pulse, and checking for severe bleeding. If any life-threatening conditions are found, they are treated at once.
  • 7. Have someone call EMS if that hasn’t already been done. It’s also an excellent idea to send some people outside to help flag down the first responders and the ambulance crew and then lead them to the patient.

The above actions are the essential ones for a citizen to perform. If someone present has had more training, they might also do the following:

  • 8. Perform what’s called a secondary survey – usually consisting of getting a history, checking the victim’s pulse rate, respiratory rate, and perhaps blood pressure, and performing a head-to-toe exam. They then might give further care to any conditions that they find. The first responders and ambulance crews receive extensive training in how to conduct a secondary survey and how to treat what they find.

While you cannot properly learn emergency care from a book (CPR skills, in particular, require that you practice them on a manikin in the presence of a good-quality instructor), there is one book that makes a particularly good post-class reference. It’s the “National Safety Council First Aid Handbook” (with William Shatner’s face on the cover) published by Jones and Bartlett Publishers. ISBN # 0-86720-846-5. I’ve looked over many first aid manuals, and I’m particularly impressed with the organization and content of this one.

In summary, in this article I’ve described where and how to obtain the basic knowledge and skills you will need to respond effectively to a medical emergency. In my next article, I’ll discuss how to deal with specific emergency situations.

Editor’s Note: Jay Wiseman is probably best known in the SM community as the author of the highly regarded book, “SM 101: A Realistic Introduction.” He spent eight years as an ambulance crewman, including two years as director of training for an ambulance service and four years in a ghetto. During this time, he received the Red Cross Certificate of Merit for Lifesaving Action – their highest award. He also spent three years in medical school, during which time he worked in an emergency room, a coronary care unit, and an intensive care unit, and also became an American Heart Association instructor in Advanced Cardiac Life Support.

by Jay Wiseman: He currently works full-time as a writer in health, relationship, and sexuality issues, and is active in teaching various classes in basic, advanced, and wildneness emergency care. He offers classes at both the citizen and first responder level to the SM community of the San Francisco Bay Area, and has recently become one of the very rare individuals ever nominated to receive a second Red Cross commendation for lifesaving action. He can be reached by sending e-mail to oldrope@aol.com or by writing to 3739 Balboa # 195, San Francisco, CA 94121.

Further reading

Femdom First aide kit

sub space drop in Femdom play scenes

Ok… the sad thing is that most people do not have a good understanding of what sub drop is… not even Dominants who have been in the lifestyle for quite some time. The article I posted before this comes close in explaining why sub drop occurs, but in reality it still lacks quite a lot of the deep explanation necessary for every Dominant to know in order to take care of their submissive after a play session, as it mostly discusses what causes sub space, not necessarily the mechanics of why someone drops.

The reason sub drop occurs, is a direct result of sub space… as you are taking your submissive deeper and deeper into sub space, the brain is producing more and more endorphins, and adrenaline… so much so that it goes into overdrive, and produces far more than the body’s normal and natural amount, hence the euphoric high the submissive experiences.

After your play session is over, the brain takes a while to realize there are no more external stimuli present and then begins shutting down production of those chemicals in order to attempt to bring the chemical levels back down to a level state. What it does however is it completely shuts down production… so much so that the levels often drop below normal after the fact, usually by the next day. When this happens, there is usually a period of depression associated with lower than normal chemical levels in the brain, then as the brain realizes the levels are low, it begins production again, but over produces once more to compensate, not nearly as much as when in a scene, but still, which leads to a period of happiness and giddiness once more. This is kind of a roller coaster, produce too much chemicals, then shut down, level drops bellow normal, overproduce again, and its a roller coaster effect as this goes on until the brain finally gets to a normal state again. This period of depression and euphoria, then depression again and so on is sub drop, it usually leaves the submissive feeling very confused and emotionally unsure, and vulnerable, a period in which she/he relies heavily on her/his Master, or Domme, and for most new submissives a very scary period.

That for the long and short of it is the mental reason for sub drop… it has nothing to do with true depression, it has nothing to do with the submissive disliking or being mad with the Dominant, it has to do with chemicals, plain and simple… and it is every Dominant’s responsibility to realize that, and plan for it, and to help the submissive work through that period and support her/him. Often I have heard that exercise helps to level out the sub drop effects much quicker, so if you are a submissive, and want to shorten the effects, go for a nice run, or a bike ride or something the day after.

Hope that helps some out.

Article MasterMonos All permissions granted.

Related Articles:

subspace – What is it?

Subspace in Femdom and BDSM

This word we use to describe the psychological (mental) and physical state the submissive can – but does not (always) have to – reach as a result of BDSM interaction. On the Internet especially you will see a lot of stories and articles about “subspace”. Most of these unfortunately got it dead wrong. This leads to a lot of confusion. For example “subspace” and orgasm are often mixed up.

Science is still a long way away from fully understanding “subspace”. That’s no big surprise, since very little – actually hardly any – coherent scientific research has been done in this area. However, we do know more than enough to be able to do away with many of the misconceptions and misunderstandings.

silhouette of man holding flashlight searching in the dark

Man or woman?

There is a big difference between the physiological (especially bio-chemical) reactions in the male and female body. As a result, male “subspace” is incomparable to female “subspace”. Most importantly, female “subspace” usually lasts a lot longer. The explanation for this is in the fact that the male ejaculation (which is not necessarily always the same as an orgasm) puts an end to quite a lot of biochemical processes and – as a result – to subspace. On top of this, female sexuality in general is very different from male sexuality. And there is of course a major difference in the way, men and women deal with emotions.

Orgasm or “subspace”

Quite a few submissive women confuse orgasm, or even strong (sexual) arousal, with “subspace” – simply because they have no personal experience with orgasms. Global scientific research tells us that – unfortunately – probably as much as one out of every three adult women has never experienced an orgasm. There is no reason to assume these figures any different within the BDSM community. In other words, probably one out of each three submissive women does not know what an orgasm is, hence cannot distinguish the differences between orgasm and subspace and is likely to mistake one for the other.

Besides, there are different forms of orgasm (different orgasms, as some prefer to say).

One thing we do know: having an orgasm while in “subspace” is biologically next to impossible!

This is because the hormonal chain of events – leading to subspace – is quite different from the one – leading to an orgasm. In the early stages of the route to both “subspace” and orgasm these chains of events are quite similar. But at some point along the way the body has to make a choice: either go for orgasm, or go for subspace. One excludes the other. In other words, whenever a submissive tells you he or she “was cumminglike there is no tomorrow” that is exactly what has been happening. But, no more than that. There is nothing wrong with an orgasm. On the contrary in fact. But it just isn’t “subspace”.

The tall stories

The “Stages of Subspace” – as described on many Internet sites – do not exist!

What has happened is that somebody, somewhere took the description of the stages of the female orgasm, changed and twisted the wording a bit and thought it looked good. Fact of the matter is, subspace does not work like that at all.

Actually, while “subspace’ is a state of being that develops gradually during its early stages, it is not a neatly ordered, gradual, “phased” development at all. The best comparison is to look at it as water, building up behind a dam. At some point the dam will break under the water pressure and the next thing you know “all hell breaks loose”. That is exactly, what happens during the development of subspace.

Besides, the “road to subspace” is a different one all the time and probably every time. Impulses and responses can change per day or even per hour. This is because your body is receptive to all sorts of impulses that have an influence on hormone production. This can be stress, anxiety, uncertainty, fever or the effects of alcohol, tobacco, nutrition, medication or drugs for example or, in the female body, the influences the monthly cycle, possible pregnancy and menopause.

So what exactly is “subspace”?

“Subspace” is a form of trance. Trance in its essence is a state of being, different from your “normal” state of being. During trance your mind excludes most of its input and concentrates on just one or only very few impulses, completely disregarding all others. There are many ways in which a trance can be induced. Prolonged dancing for example, or hunger, prolonged physical activity. Hypothermia, recreational drugs, high fever, lack of nutrition, dehydration AND BDSM-activity all can induce trance. Just like repeated physical activity (such as jumping from one leg on another for a long time – a modern technique used by psychologists).

Trance is the result of hormonal activity. Hormones are substances in your body, responsible for communication between the brain and the cortex and the rest of the body (“blink your eye” is the result of a mini hormone cocktail. So is “pull muscle” or ….. “fall in love”). Everything your body does (or does not) is the result of these usually complex hormone cocktails. Hormones are being read by “receptors” and the availability and functionality of these 0 receptors is genetically determined. That is why a hormonal reaction is not identical in different people.

For “subspace” a group of hormones, called “peptides” is important. Peptides are amino acids. Many look like morphine and have attributes, that can be compared to morphine. And yes – although natural – they ARE (to some extent) addictive! For subspace ENDORPHINS – a group of such peptides – are an important ingredient.

Where does it start?

Both “subspace” and sexual arroussal start with ADRENALINE.

Actually, adrenaline is an incorrect name, since it assumes it is one hormone. Actually, it is a combination of two hormones: adrenaline (in biochemical terms epineprin) and noradrenaline (norepinephrin). These twins are being produced simultanuously, but they serve different purposes. Adrenaline – among many other things – makes certain that extra nutrients (sugars especially) are transported to the muscles, while noradrenaline (again among many other things) is responsible for inducing vascular contraction, so the vains help the heart to pump blood through the body faster.

You could say the adrenaline twins are your body’s first response team. As soon as anything happens that is different from what was – at that moment in time – the normal situation, the body starts to produce adrenaline. This happens in a split second and it brings the body to a “higher state of alert”. Ready to fight, run, jump out of the way of a passing truck or …to enter into an argument for example. Your senses are wide open, information transport through the body increases and speeds up, muscles contract, the heartrate heightens and muscles are being filled with whatever “fast food” is available. And these are only a few of the processes, induced by the adrenaline twins. Besides adrenaline is one of your natural painkillers.

When your body decides it is time to produce adrenaline it does so, based on the principle: shoot first – ask questions later. In other words, adrenaline production is well under way before the brain has had a chance to analyse the situation. The reason for this is that the situation may call for a reflex action. And that is what you want. You don’t want your brain to go like; “Wow, that’s a truck coming at me, what shall we do about that?” No, hopefully you probably got yourself out of the way before you even realized the thing was a truck. That is a reflex and the result of adrenaline.

The “kick”

Back to “subspace”.

Adrenaline production started well before you consciously figured out you were getting aroused. As soon as the brain notices the higher adrenaline concentrations have nothing to do with anything that requires an immediate reaction it has two options. It can either step down from the “red alert” phase and tell your body to go into “business as usual” mode. Or – if the impulse that triggered the increased adrenaline production persists without presenting any danger or other alarming situation – it may decide to continue production. Why? Because the brain like adrenaline.

The adrenaline twins can give your a “kick” (or a “high” as some like to call it). It’s the same “kick” you get from passing an exam, a bungee jump or a dive in the pool on a steamy hot day for example. In short, the “YES!” feeling. Your body can produce increased adrenaline levels for about half an hour. Oh, by the way, women can enjoy adrenaline somewhat longer than men, usually.

FOR MANY PEOPLE INTO BDSM ……. THIS IS IT!

Nothing wrong with that. An adrenaline high as such can be great fun, but …… it’s got nothing to do with “subspace”. It is an adrenaline kick. Fun, exciting, addictive is some way. In other words, from anything like a 15 to 30 minutes “quickly” you don’t enter “subspace”, but you probably will get an adrenaline high. Oh, what most dominants describe as their “domspace” is very likely to be an adrenaline high as well.

This provides us with one clear, recognizable and physical insight in the different ways, people experience BDSM and it explains part of the different forms of BDSM. Those who are after the adrenaline high do just that and that’s fine. But it is physically and mentally very different from what we are going to talk about below. And the two cannot (and should not) be compared. It’s like baseball and football. Both sports revolve around a ball and are played by teams in a stadium. But that is where the comparison ends. Which doesn’t mean that baseball players are better or lesser sports people than football players. They’re just different and their abilities – if at all – should be compared to others in their own league.

Endorphins

The road to “subspace” is like a ladder. You go from one step to the next.

Adrenaline is the first step. The next one brings us to a different – much larger – group of hormones: ENDORPHINS. One important note: there are other endorphin highs (such as the “runners’ high”). They are, although similar, very different from what we call “subspace”.

Endorphins are peptides too. They are a morphine-like group of substances (so far science has identified 39 different ones), that are relatively new to scientists. They were identified in the mid 1970s and are called endorphins since 1975. In very unscientific words they are known as “mood hormones”, since they are responsible for our moods, whichever one. Regardless if you cry, laugh, get angry, happy, or sad or just bored ….all that is triggered by endorphins. They are produced in countless different “cocktails” and, just like adrenaline, work as a natural painkiller as well. They are also responsible for car- and airsickness and vomiting in general.

To understand the “road to subspace” the following is important. Your body HAS to produce adrenaline before it starts to produce endorphins and the endorphins – that contribute to “subspace” a- re only first produced after some 20 to 30 minutes. In fact they are the “next shift”. Within the endorphins group there are some hormones we call “enkephalins”. These do to cortex what endorphins do to the brain to create “subspace” and both need to be present.

All hormones have a chemically incomplete “forerunner”, but for reasons of clarity and simplicity we will skip these.

To fully explain “subspace” science still lacks a lot of data. Too many to pinpoint and explain the process precisely. But we do know quite a bit. One important thing to understand “subspace” is the recent discovery of different ways, in which the brain releases endorphins. Besides the normal “through the proper channels” way (via glands and the nervous system) there also appear to be small, apparently uncontrolled fountain like releases on the outside of the brain. These have been photographed and filmed. These “endorphin fountains” occur on specific occasions. Most parents will have seen their young kid simply staring at a ball or some object without moving or responding, but just looking at it – apparently fascinated by its color or shape. That is when endorphin fountains occur. Why they do, science does not know yet. But we do know these fountains are connected to the kind of emotional and physical responses, we call “subspace” in terms of BDSM. These endorphin fountains also seem to induce the “deer in the headlight” behavior. That is not fear, but fascination. A probably more familiar similar reaction are the LSD-trips from the hippie days.

Are we going to take a left turn, or a right?

Here we reach a crucial junction. Once the endorphins production gets well underway, there is a choice to make: are we “going into subspace” or will it be an orgasm today? Remember, one excludes the other. No one knows exactly how or why this choice is being made but – remember, hormone receptors are genetically determined – at least some of that has to be in the genetic code somewhere.

So, why is there such a crucial choice? Well, in order to follow the hormonal route to an orgasm the body now will have to start to produce a group of hormones called GnRH. These will eventually trigger the production of yet another hormone (genadotropine), which induces the production and release of steroids (the “sex” hormones). As soon as the GnRH production starts the endorphins production slows down and finally stops. In other words: no “fountains” – no “subspace”.

Up to this point your body has produced quite a lot of these “mood hormones” and that is responsible for the feelings of bonding, attachment, affection, security and love. This makes sense, since these emotions – in females especially – are a necessity for the orgasm. This is what some people describe as “floating”. No, that is not one of “stages of subspace”. Actually that is pretty general, normal human behavior and quite necessary.

So, here is again a crucial difference in BDSM-experience – physically and mentally recognisable: if there now will be an orgasm, that is what you go for. And, orgasms are NICE! And very good to have. But …… THEY ARE NOT “SUBSPACE”. The bonding and affection emotions however, can be a first step towards it.

Hallucination, trance and different levels of awareness

Now is where we can see the fundamental differences between “subspace” and other BDSM-experiences (driven by other motives). If and when the body decides not to go for the orgasm, but instead to go for “subspace” we are getting to the “deer in the headlights”. And also the point where the dam breaks.

If endorphins production continues – remember, we still do not know exactly why – trance and light forms of hallucination occur. THAT is “subspace”!

Someone “in subspace” is easy to recognize from the outside. They are no longer able to drive a car, or even a bike. They seem silent, absentminded, slow responding, uninterested. In other words “not really here”. That again is not the same as the warm, glowy, dreamy feeling after an orgasm. Somebody “in subspace” is “not on this planet”, so to speak.

“Subspace” is dangerous in some ways. People “in subspace” have very different levels of perception and awareness. They will see a traffic light as interesting colors that changes all the time. They do NOT see it as a warning signal. To them, a house is a fascinating stack of bricks with intriguing patterns – NOT something people actually live in. If you would slit the throat of someone “in subspace” they’d probably tell you they’d consider that an interesting and fascinating experience. They do NOT recognize the life threatening situation. Someone “in subspace” is INTOXICATED! Intoxicated as in: under influence of drugs.

If you have ever been given morphine for medical reason you will know that morphine creates a colorful, happy, peaceful world without fear or pain or discomfort. Endorphins in high concentrations create EXACTLY THAT EFFECT.

SOMEONE IN “SUBSPACE” CAN BE A DANGER TO HIM OR HERSELF!

“Subspace” can last for anything from several hours to several days. For the duration of “subspace” reflexes slow down severely (this is the result of the slightly intoxicating effects of enkephalins on the cortex) and much of normal, everyday logic no longer works. Someone in subspace cannot make responsible, consensual decisions.

EVERYTHING THAT TRUE FOR PEOPLE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL, RECREATIONAL DRUGS OR MEDICATION IS TRUE FOR PEOPLE “IN SUBSPACE”.

As said, subspace is easy to spot from the outside. Pupils widen, responses slow down, appear illogical or simply do not occur. Food and sustenance is no longer important, people hear you, but do not understand you, they cannot find the right words and some submissives even stop breathing temporarily. Someone “in subspace” – as far as physical behavior and signals are concerned – is very similar to someone, under the influence of recreational drugs. The trance itself is important to them, feeds them and leads them. Nothing else matters and that – for example – includes sexual arousal. Colors, sounds, scents are individual, seemingly incoherent experiences. if you have never been here, you haven’t been “in subpace” (yet). And that’s fine. it is just that “subspace” is very different from everything else.

Conclusions:

There are no “stages of subspace”. There are however very different ways in which people experience and response to BDSM-activity. Much of that is biochemically determined.

Orgasm and “subspace” are two different, biochemically largely incompatible experiences.

Different biochemical reactions create different experiences (not levels of experience!). One is not better than the other. They are just different. It is important to understand these differences, because the wants and needs are different.

“Subspace” is a form of trance and should be dealt with accordingly. “Subspace” is not without risk.

MasterMonos All permissions granted.

Related Articles:

Sub_space_drop

After Care

Why is it so important in Femodm?

aftercare

Table of Contents

Aftercare is the last act of the SM Femdom scene. It is the culmination, the final act, the finishing touches, the phase where the participants (usually the tops) formally give the fantasy scene a context in everyday reality.

It’s technical purpose is to transition both Domme and sub from the elevated states created in a scene back into normal life awareness . But as any good SM practitioner will tell you, it’s much more than that.

It is the time after the action when the participants come together in mutual affirmation that something special was created and shared. It is when affection and closeness is offered and sought. It is, at very least, the proper time to thanks to the person who has shared this tiny segment of your life with you. It can be, and often is, the most beautiful part of a scene. To skip it altogether is as rude as having a meal at a friend’s house, and bolting once you’ve eaten.

Aftercare is basic in the planning of any SM Femdom scene, especially for intense, edgy scenes where the participants go deep into subspace. Play that is physically heavy, intensely emotional, or improvisational, with lots of twists and turns, can leave your partner shaken, shaky, vulnerable and exposed, making it all the more crucial to guide them back down safely to earth.

Some people, even after satisfying play, may experience “ a Crash”: feelings of anxiety, exposure, embarrassment, guilt or emotional overload. In short, Crash is the SM / femdomme equivalent to the post coital blues and how well you take care of your partner will say a great deal about what the scene really meant, whether it was just a quickie or a deep beautiful bond bringing you closer together as people. Aftercare also allows some recovery if things didn’t go as well as they could have. In a “broken” scene, sensitive, compassionate and intelligent aftercare is all that stands between you and a bad reputation as a uncaring Domme

Aftercare is especially very important following:

  • Scenes that are demanding and intense
  • Scenes that result in tears, screams, orgasm or emotional release.
  • Scenes that involve new partners or new techniques
  • Scenes that involve punishment, humiliation or intimations
  • Scenes that have been interrupted by an accident, injury, fainting or unseemly act of God.
  • Scenes that have “gone bad” resulting in anger, or upset, or ending on a safe word (both top and bottom may well need/appreciate some reassurance if this happens)

Bad aftercare can do damage that is basically incalculable. It can leave your partner feeling queasy, unsatisfied, or used, ruin an otherwise great scene, or damage the trust and affection your partner has in you if you are seen as arrogant, uncaring or clueless in that time of maximum tenderness and exposure. But if aftercare is done well it can double the impact of a good scene. Aftercare can confirm that the scene just ended had meaning and the gifts of dominance and submission had value. It can attach the scene to the rest of your life in a way that it makes sense and is remembered as a good, validating experience, even if it hurt like hell!

As the breathing returns to normal, as you and your partner prepare to return from wherever your play has transported you, there are a number of simple, mechanical activities that need to happen.

  • Removing your partner from bondage, or blindfolding
  • Treating any first aid issues that need to be tended to.
  • A bathroom break might be in order
  • If you and your partner have been standing, sitting down might be nice. If your partner has been bound, stretching out might be good.Holding, talking, being together, allowing time for heart rate and breathing to return to normal
  • Food & drink
  • A transitioning out of scene roles into the roles of equal compassionate friends (unless it is important for one or both of you to STAY in role).
  • Permitting the submissive to redress into comfortable clothing
  • Responding to any physical or EMOTIONAL needs the submissive may have (talking about the scene, tears, etc.)
  • Cleanup of the scene equipment and play area. These can all be ritualized and performed with tenderness to maintain the headspace of the scene even after the mechanics of the scene are dismantled.

Most important, Emotional state

More important even than your partner’s physical condition is their EMOTIONAL state. And unlike the standard aftercare techniques listed above, this process is exploratory and changes every time you do it. Leave time after a scene to be with the person you’ve played with. For a short scene in a one hour play window, fifteen to twenty minutes seems reasonable, but you may need more, may need less. Don’t set a time limit if you don’t have to.

In general, aftercare is a good time to move from roles of play (top/bottom, mistress/slave, etc.) into more equal roles of mutual friendship, nurturing, and respect. Holding, cuddling and touching is nice, depending on your relationship to your partner. Depending on your level of intimacy and the time available, so is bathing together, sharing a nap, sex, or grabbing some food, more talk, reading aloud to your partner, a sponge bath, or a massage. Some like their faces touched… But bear in mind that what works for some will not work for all. What seems affectionate and sweet to some may be mushy and silly to others, or inappropriately intimate, if it involves more kissing and intimate touching than your partner is comfortable with. And Dominants, if cuddling is too touchy-feely for you, at least staying in your partners presence is good form (have them sit with you, at your feet, fetch you drinks, stroke their hair, etc.)

Some ideas for expressing affection that aren’t to touchy- feely include kisses on forehead, hugs, holding hands and nuzzle heads, or hugs given to the side holding your partner hip to hip. Talk is important, and affirmation is your foremost duty. Express satisfaction, (or at least gratitude) after a scene. Tell your partner how nice it was. Murmur sweet nothings. Express gratitude and warmth. If the scene turned you on, say so. “You suffer so beautifully . . . You really turned me on. . . I really love the sounds you make . . . you look so great on that cross . . . your eyes are incredible when you’re tied up… I hope I didn’t go too far. . . Owww lets do this again sometime . . .” Express caring and concern. How did the scene go? Ask about places where the scene seemed to go off track. You want to know these things after all to help perfect your own skills. “How was it? Did you like that? Are you sore? Did the ropes make your hands tingly? What was the best part? What was the worst part? Did I scare you? Was it a good scare or a bad one? Have you had enough? Or would you like to ask for more?”

Your partner may want to talk too, about the scene, about them, about you… There’s no way to know in advance. Let them babble if that’s what they want to do. Be supportive and listen. Having said all this let me reiterate that it aftercare is never standard and the preceding description, while a sound approach in dealing with new people, may bear no resemblance to the aftercare you need. Aftercare is a subtle and what works fine in one instance may be inappropriate, even damaging, in another. Some need a lot of touch and talk to guide them back to their daytime selves, but others want no more than a boot in the ass and a “Good Boy!” Bottoms may wish to be dismissed without a word, given chores, or curl into a solitary ball.

Although aftercare is typically viewed as something the top does for the bottom, tops are people too, and often yearn for affection, gratitude and nurturing. Sometimes when the heat of the scene has passed, a top can find him or herself, exhausted, exposed and feeling guilty about doing bad, nasty things to someone they care about. This is the phenomenon some call top-drop. So bottoms: Remember to express gratitude and respect to the top who has spent the last hour or so being bad to you. Flattery is good “You’re so dominant . . . You really turned me on. . . I didn’t know you were that good with a whip. . I’d love to do this again sometime..I really loved it when you tied me to your cross.”. No need to lie, but if you can find something nice to say, its nice to

So in short Conclusion

Aftercare varies depending on individual preferences and the intensity of the scene. Here are some general guidelines:

  1. Physical Care: Attend to any physical needs such as cleaning wounds, providing water, or applying soothing lotions.
  2. Emotional Support: Engage in open and honest communication. Offer reassurance, comfort, and affection to help the submissive or dominant feel safe and loved.
  3. Debriefing: Discuss the scene, what worked well, and any concerns or boundaries that were pushed. This helps build trust and ensures both parties are on the same page.
  4. Relaxation: Encourage relaxation activities such as cuddling, gentle massages, or watching a movie together. This helps participants unwind and transition back to a relaxed state.
  5. Check-ins: Continue to check in with each other in the following days to ensure emotional well-being and address any lingering concerns or needs

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Related Articles: 

sub space drop in Femdom play scenes

sub space in Femdom play scenes

First Aid Kit Most who partake in Femdom (especially the emerging or optimists ) don’t think twice about ‘after play’ or do I have all the ‘medical needs’ I require should an emergency arise.

You more than likely can tell me how much lube is left in the bottle/tube but do you know if your cupboards medical supplies are fully stocked?
Safety: is this responsibility of each person in the Femdom scene. Communication, physical and/or verbal, is a must during a scene to assure that the scene is not being taken to a dangerous level. It is your responsibility to know your play-partner as well as to disclose any medical problems and physical/emotional limitations you have that could lead to complications during a scene.

A first-aid kit should be kept in your toy bag if you travel to play parties Preferably two: a larger one for home and a smaller one for travel. Though all play spaces should be equipped with a Safety kit do not assume that one will be available, take your own!


The Gorean Lifestyle:

Table of Contents

An Introduction to Gor

Much has been heard and written about the Gorean Lifestyle, but sadly, not everyone who speaks or writes about Gor has an idea of what Gor actually is. Some say that Gor is a sub sect within BDSM, while others say that Gor is just a medieval fantasy, just like the more mainstream Lord Of The Rings or Harry Potter, with the concept of women’s slavery being incidental to the entire storyline.

Gor Slave girl

Here is a basic introduction to Gor and Gorean Lifestyle.

The 27 Books:


The Gorean lifestyle is based on the twenty seven books written by John Norman in the late seventies. The books describe a fictional planet, the Land of Gor, a medieval fantasy land, which has a lifestyle quite different from what we see in our everyday lives. On the planet of Gor, the men are the dominant gender, whereas the women are the submissive gender. Basically, the terminology for the dominant man would be a master and the terminology for the submissive women would be slave, or the more poetic ‘kajira’.

The entire storyline was based on wars, captures, etc, and therefore there were a few instances of a man being captured, thereby giving a nod to the submissive man, but this aspect was not as prevalent as the aspect of submissive women. In the case of men who were captured, they would be called as ‘kajirus’.

In the Gorean books, Gor was a land that was fraught by war and perils, which would in turn come up with opportunities for women and men to be captured, and therefore enslaved. Norman has taken several aspects from Greco Roman lifestyles, Asian Indian lifestyles, etc to create a world that romanticized the past world as much as a pulp fiction novel set in the medieval world.   The 27 books are therefore considered to be the ‘be all’ and the ‘end all’ of the Gorean lifestyle. Many forums, sites and interactive groups that follow the Gorean Lifestyle require anyone who wishes to join them to read at least some of the books, whereas the stricter groups would require one to read all the books.

Controversies:


Though BDSM is as controversial as Gor, Gor has been the favorite whipping boy of feminist groups and human right groups all across the world, simply because Gor is much more systematic and has its protocols chalked out quite strongly, putting up all its rules and regulations out in the open.

Another aspect that is controversial about Gor, and something that is not found in the world of BDSM, is that Gor, for the most part is not an interpersonal interaction, but something that can be considered to be a group interaction. Basically, a group of dominants will own a group of submissives, and it at the very end that a person would actually have an interaction with another. This has given rise to a thought that Gor is more demeaning to womankind than the general BDSM, which normally has a person interacting with a person.

Why People are so scared of it

Say the word ‘Gor’ and you either get a very positive reaction or a very negative reaction. Gor is one of the subsets within the world of BDSM that has grown so vast that some people consider itself to be a lifestyle, though it is not so. While Gor was not as popular in the seventies and the eighties, with only a handful of people knowing about it, or even watching the movie ‘Gor’ (yes, there were two of them, lampooned by Mystery Science Theater). On a more serious note, most people who follow BDSM do not approve of Gor, and are even of the thought that Gor is dangerous, as compared to BDSM. Here are some reasons why people are scared of Gor:

Gor is Intense:


Gor is comparatively more intense than other lifestyles, because Gor does not depend on screening. People who follow Gor do not consider it to be a roleplay, or a scene, but in fact say that they are leading the lifestyle – which cannot be denied because there are after all twenty seven books that outline the life and times of the Gorean region. Actually speaking, the world of Gor is as detailed and streamlined as would be the Star Wars world, or the Lord of the Rings world, etc.  

Gor Requires Reading:

The lifestyle, or the true meaning of Gor, can be understood only when people read at least two or three books out of the twenty seven books – and these books are not small PDFs or novelettes, these books are six hundred pager hunks, which are not as racy and lucidly written as your favorite fantasy themed novel. The people who follow Gor, known as ‘Goreans’, appreciate it if the person reads and understand the books and actually frown on people who come into the lifestyle without reading the books. If reading books is not your thing, Gor might put you off in this aspect.  

Gor is majorly Polygamous:

People who live by the books will tell you that Goreans may have relations and interactions with more than one, even countless submissives. This might not be the relationship that you might be looking for, if you wish to interact with only one dominant or only one submissive. However, you would also like to know that while Gor is more of a polygamous lifestyle, most people do end up in monogamous lifestyles at the end of it all.   All in all, Gor is a much misunderstood lifestyle, with the people following the lifestyles being too secretive about it. But Gor does have the ability to give you the satisfaction and commitment that you might receive in any of the alternate lifestyles.

Article: William Morris

Related Articles:

Gorean – A short brief page on its origin.

Gorean

Table of Contents

science fiction novels by John Norman


In the most general use of the word, Gorean means anything characteristic of the Gor science fiction novels by John Norman. In these novels, the word “Gorean” is used to refer to the fictional counter-earth, to its inhabitants and social customs, and to the particular language which is the most widely-spoken lingua franca in the known inhabited regions of Gor (though other languages are also spoken on the planet). As applied to non-fictional individuals, the word Gorean means an adherent of the philosophies espoused in Norman’s writings, especially someone who lives a lifestyle based on this philosophy. While the most conspicuous Gorean departure from mainstream modern norms is that Goreans allow sexual master/slave relationships, many who take the Gorean worldview seriously would insist that being Gorean is not actually mainly about either sex or slavery, but about the general Gorean philosophy (so that one would not have to participate in a master/slave lifestyle or relationship in order to be Gorean). Some of this philosophy is concerned with “natural order” and the relations between men and women, which may or may not take the form of a master-and-slave dynamic. Where there is a master/slave relationship, the level at which adherents follow the books varies.

There is commonality between BDSM and the Gorean lifestyle in a number of respects ( 24/7, Domination & submission, Servitude (BDSM), Slave (BDSM), Total Power Exchange etc.), but there are also overall differences in approach.

Some in BDSM consider the Gorean lifestyle to be a subset of BDSM practices, and find it lacking in that regard. So the mainstream of BDSM practitioners often disdain Goreans because Goreans allegedly reject the ideas of “Safe, Sane and Consensual”/“Risk Aware Consensual Kink”, because of the frequent lack of a safe word between Gorean maledom master and slave, or because the almost exclusive male dominant/female submissive dynamic seems to imply that “your kink is not OK” regarding other practices.

Serious Goreans, on the other hand, generally deny that they are engaging in “games” or “role-playing”, and do not consider the extreme pain or extreme physical or sexual play sometimes practiced in BDSM as part of being Gorean, so that BDSM precautions and BDSM distinctions between “in scene” and “out of scene” are largely unnecessary and irrelevant (though there is still a need for honest communication within a Gorean relationship, as in any other sustained intimate relationship).

Some Goreans do practice BDSM (even though BDSM is not Gorean in itself). These Goreans may or may not use a safeword when involved in BDSM scene play; however, if they do not, then some sort of communication is usually practiced.

Note that Norman’s non-fictional sex manual Imaginative Sex presents a series of elaborate fantasy scenarios to be acted out (rather than advocating for a real-world “24/7” lifestyle), and recommends that symbolic substitutes (such as the sound of claps) should be used instead of actual physical chastisements (such as whippings). Most of the scenarios are maledom / femsub, but a few portray men as the slaves of women, and anticipate the eroticised first-person male slave narratives of some of the Gorean novels.

Distinctive Gorean symbols include various artistic renditions of the “kef” symbol (Kef being the initial letter of kajira in the Gorean language), the floral “dina” mark, and to a lesser extent other brands mentioned in Norman’s Gor books.

Gorean
Gorean slave girl kneeling

Goreans on the Internet

For years there has been an active fan base on the net, particularly on IRC channels. Many of the virtual Goreans have only online knowledge and have not actually read the books For this and other reasons, various idiosyncrasies have crept into the Gorean role-player subculture that are not supported in the original text.

There are many Gorean email lists (mostly through Yahoo groups) and other online discussion forums whose contents range from pure role-player to Gor Lite to serious discussion between people living a Goreans lifestyle.There is also a Gorean community in the online www.metaverse.com www.Secondlifecom,a dn www.IMVU.com with their own land and groups, and chatrooms.

Goreans in the novels

In the original novels, Goreans are simply those humans who live on the planet Gor. The back-story of the setting holds that various humans were transported from Earth to Gor, a process which continues at a low volume in the present mostly in the form of Earth women taken as slaves.

In the books, although most slaves on Gor are female, most females are actually free women. The ratio has been presented as approximately 40 free women to one slave girl (though the various hints about Gorean demographics given in different Gor novels are not entirely consistent). Female slaves are called kajirae (singular: kajira) and male slaves are called kajiri (singular: kajirus) in the Gorean tongue.

This is not an extensive history of Gorean ways it is only meant to highlight the Gor lifestyle

Article MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs.com

BDSM is a general term for Femdom

Table of Contents

BDSM is a term which describes a number of related patterns of human sexual behavior. The major subgroupings are described in the abbreviation “BDSM” itself: Bondage (BD) Bondage & Discipline (B&D) Domination & Submission (D&S, DS, D/S) Sadism & Masochism (or Sadomasochism) (S&M, SM) Many of the specific practices in BDSM are those which, if performed in neutral or nonsexual contexts, are widely considered unpleasant, undesirable, or disadvantageous. For example, pain, physical restraint and servitude are traditionally inflicted on persons against their will and to their detriment. In BDSM, however, these activities are engaged in with the mutual consent of the participants, and typically for mutual enjoyment.

This emphasis on informed consent and safety is also known as SSC (safe, sane and consensual), though others prefer the term RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), which places more emphasis on acknowledging the fact that all activities are potentially risky.

Psychological

In the past, sadomasochistic activities and fantasies were regarded by most psychiatrists as pathological, but have been regarded as increasingly acceptable since at least the 1990s. Indeed, the DSM-IV asserts that “The fantasies, sexual urges,or behaviors” must “cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning” in order for sexual sadism or masochism to be considered a disorder. Psychiatrists are now moving towards regarding sadism and masochism not as disorders in and of themselves, but only as disorders when associated with other problems such as a personality disorder. People who practice BDSM, as well as most psychiatrists, do not view these practices as disordered.

Power exchange

On a psychological level, much BDSM play involves power and dominance, in particular power exchange of various forms. One person may willingly and consciously hand over personal autonomy or the power dynamic may arise between the parties in the relationship as a spontaneous result of their interpersonal chemistry, in which case no conscious decision is made. This power can manifest in an endless variety of relationship dynamics. Some of the variations include: Addressing another person as “Master” or “Mistress” for a ten-minute scene. A witnessed, formal collaring with a lifelong agreement between the parties for the dominant to provide an ongoing presence in the submissive’s life. See Total Power Exchange. Collared slaves have responsibilities and duties that vary from the moderate to extreme micro-management.

An agreement of service that covers the duties and responsibilities of the submissive that may or may not include a long-term commitment. Some service relationships are understood to last only as long as the submissive maintains performance standards. According to most practitioners, the power exchange should always be negotiated. Before play, the participants discuss their physical and psychological limitations, establish safewords (words that will signal the cessation of the scene), and work out what activities they will engage in. However, many reject extensive negotiation and eschew the use of safewords, preferring instead to accept heightened risk and facilitate a more “natural” interaction. The conflict between the need for risk and the need for limitations and safety is at the heart of the SSC and RACK controversies.

Roles 

Dominant behavior

  • A dominant person enjoys controlling a submissive person. Reasons for this are said to include demonstrating skill and power, having ownership of another person, and being the object of affection and devotion. Domination may be the fashion in which the dominant feels most comfortable expressing and/or receiving affection. Service-oriented dominants would add that it is obviously useful to have the resources and abilities of another human at their disposal.Of course, other known possible motives remain to be considered, including pleasure taken not only in sheer power, but in the suffering of others, thrill seeking in risk taking, and outright self destructiveness. That is why many in the BDSM community are concerned with establishing the motivations of those involved in an encounter and advise caution in making BDSM connections.

Submissive behavior

  • A submissive person is one who submits of their own free will and seeks to submit to another. Submissives vary in how seriously they take their position, training, and situation. Motivations for engaging in submissive behavior may include relief from responsibility, being the object of attention and affection, gaining a sense of security, showing off endurance,and working through issues of shame. Others simply enjoy a “natural” feeling when they are in the presence of their partner. What are known as service-oriented submissive may also have a deep seated desire to be “of use”. Submissives BDSM – also vary in the extent to which they engage in play, in how often they play, and even in whether they consider their role “play” at all.

Tops and bottoms

  • In BDSM, a top is a partner who takes the role of giver in such acts as bondage, flogging, humiliation, or servitude. The top performs acts such as these upon the bottom, who is the person receiving for the duration of a scene. Although it is easy to assume that a top is dominant and a bottom is submissive, it is not necessarily so.The top is sometimes the partner who is following instructions, i.e., he tops when, and in the manner, requested by the bottom. A person who applies sensation or control to a bottom, but does so to the bottom’s explicit instruction is a service top. Contrast the service top with the pure dominant, who might give orders to a submissive, or otherwise employ physical or psychological techniques of control, but might instruct the submissive to perform the act on him or her. The same goes for bottoms and submissives. At one end of the continuum is a submissive who enjoys taking orders from a dominant but does not receive any physical stimulation. At the other is a bottom who enjoys the intense physical and psychological stimulation but does not submit to the person delivering them. It should be noted that the bottom is most often the partner who is giving instructions-the top typically tops when, and in the manner, requested by the bottom. Within a sadomasochisic context, submissive is often considered synonymous with bottom. Others opine that a “submissive” is specifically pursuing a dominant/submissive power-exchange as a key element, whereas a “bottom” may or may not be interested (or even willing) to engage in that exchange. For the latter, some have proposed the “pitcher” and “catcher” (borrowed from baseball terminology) as more neutral terminology, with the “pitcher” delivering the sensation,the instruction, etc; and the “catcher” receiving what is “pitched.”

Switching

  • Some practitioners of BDSM enjoy switching-that is, playing both dominant and submissive roles, either during a single scene or taking on different roles at different occasions with different partners. A switch will be the top on some occasions and the bottom on other occasions. A “switch” may be in a relationship with someone of the same primary orientation (two dominants, say), so switching provides each partner with an opportunity to realize his or her unsatisfied BDSM needs with others. Some individuals may switch, but may not identify as a switch because they do so infrequently or only under certain circumstances.

Safety

Some BDSM activities may be potentially dangerous if appropriate precautions are neglected. In particular, it is sometimes the practice that the submissive will complain of suffering or beg the dominant to stop, and that this will be ignored by the dominant. Therefore, one aspect to ensure safety is to agree upon a safeword. If the dominant and submissive are in a scene that causes unacceptable discomfort for one or both of them, a safe word can be uttered to warn the other of trouble and immediately call for a stop to the scene. Adequate care is prudent in bondage to ensure safety from injury. It is wise to invest in first aid training for all involved parties. For activities involving bodily fluids, hygienic precautions should be duly considered for avoiding the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

Various practices

BDSM may encompass practices such as erotic spanking, flagellation, such as flogging, paddling or whipping, or medical submission (i.e. a submissive partner submits to humiliating and/or painful medical procedures). BDSM activities are practiced by male and female individuals of all sexualities: gay or straight, or bisexual, as well as the transgendered. Many practice their BDSM activities exclusively in private, and do not share their predilections with others. Others socialize with other BDSM practitioners. The BDSM community can be regarded as a subculture within mainstream society. Being involved in BDSM or dominant/submissive relationships on a regular basis is often referred to as being “in the lifestyle”.

Some sources estimate the prevalence of BDSM behavior in countries such as the United States at around 5 to 10% of the adult population. While the stereotype of heterosexual BDSM is a male dominant and female submissive, the reality is almost evenly split between “maledom” and “femdom” couples.

Physiological

On a physical level, BDSM “sensation play” often involves inflicting pain, even if without actual injury. This releases endorphins, creating a sensation somewhat like runner’s high or the afterglow of orgasm, sometimes called “flying”, which some find enjoyable. Some writers use the term “body stress”. This experience is the motivation for many in the BDSM community but is not the only motivating factor. Indeed, a strong minority of BDSM participants (especially “bottoms”) may well participate in a scene they do not derive any physical pleasure from in order to provide their “top” with an opportunity to indulge their desires or fetishes.

In some kinds of BDSM play, the “top” (usually a dominant partner) applies sensation to the “bottom” (usually a submissive partner) by spanking, slapping, pinching, stroking or scratching with fingernails, or using implements like straps, whips, paddles, canes, knives, hot wax, ice, clothespins, bamboo skewers, etc. The sensation of being bound with rope, chains, straps, cling wrap, handcuffs or other materials can also be part of the experience. The tools of BDSM play encompass a wide variety of items from specifically designed implements to ordinary household items, known as “pervertibles.”

A pleasurable BDSM experience is thought to depend greatly upon a competent top and the bottom attaining the correct state of mind. Trust and sexual arousal help a person prepare for the intense sensation. Some have even gone so far as to compare adept BDSM play to musical composition and performance, each sensation like a musical note. Likewise, different sensations are combined in different ways to produce the total experience. Other points

  • BDSM may or may not involve sex of any kind.
  • BDSM may or may not involve sexual roleplaying.

How dominant or submissive a person may be in their regular life does not always determine their preferred role in BDSM play though many people do manifest these tendencies. Often people who express one role in their regular life, such as at work, strongly desire to express the opposite role within their sexual life, as a kind of release. BDSM play often includes the psychological pleasure of fetishes. Some BDSM players are polyamorous or are sexually monogamous but engage in non-sexual play with others.A couple may engage in BDSM sexuality within an otherwise non-D/S relationship dynamic. When there is abuse in the relationship, the submissive is as likely to be abusive as the dominant.

Terminology See our Femdom Dictionary

Etymology

Originally S&M (Sadism & Masochism) was a clinical term. The leather community of the day attempted to distance themselves from what was then classified as a mental illness and began to use the term “B&D” (Bondage & Discipline).This term was later linked back to “S&M” by the clinical community giving birth to the now common acronym BDSM. This term was then later broadened by some to include Dominance & submission. Although, D/s is more properly cultural dynamic than sexual practice, its common co-occurrence with BDSM has resulted in it being commonly viewed as linked behavior pattern.

History

The historical origins of BDSM are obscure. There are anecdotal reports of people willingly being bound or whipped as a prelude to, or substitute for, sex going back to the fourteenth century. The medieval phenomenon of courtly love in all of its slavish devotion and ambivalence has been suggested by some writers to be a precursor of BDSM. Some sources claim that BDSM as a distinct form of sexual behaviour originated at the beginning of the eighteenth century when Western civilization began medically and legally categorizing sexual behaviour. There are reports of brothels specializing in flagellation as early as 1769, and John Cleland’s novel Fanny Hill, published in 1749, mentions a flagellation scene. Other sources give a broader definition citing BDSM-like behaviour in earlier times and other cultures, such as the medieval flagellants and the physical ordeal rituals of some Native American societies.

Although the names of the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch are attached to the terms sadism and masochism respectively, the question remains as to whether their ways of life would meet with modern BDSM standards of informed consent.

BDSM ideas and imagery have existed on the fringes of Western culture throughout the twentieth century. Robert Bienvenu attributes the origins of modern BDSM to three sources, which he names as “European Fetish” (from 1928),“American Fetish” (from 1934), and “Gay Leather” (from 1950). Another source is the sexual games played in brothels,which go back into the nineteenth century if not earlier. Irving Klaw, during the 1950s and 1960s, produced some of the first commercial film and photography with a BDSM theme and published comics by the now-iconic bondage artists John Willie and Eric Stanton.

Much of the BDSM ethos can be traced back to gay male leather culture,which grew out of post-WWII biker culture. This subculture is epitomized by the Leatherman’s Handbook by Larry Townsend, published in 1972,which essentially defined the “Old Guard leather” culture. This code emphasized strict formality and fixed roles (i.e. no switching), and did not really include lesbian women or heterosexuals. In 1981, however, the publication of Coming to Power by Samois led to a greater knowledge and acceptance of BDSM in the lesbian community.

In the mid-nineties, the Internet provided a way of finding people with specialized interests around the world and communicating with them anonymously. This brought about an explosion of interest and knowledge of BDSM, particularly on the usenet group alt.sex.bondage. When that group became too choked with spam, the focus moved to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm New Guard leather subculture appeared around this time, which rejected the rigid roles and exclusion of women and heterosexuals of the Old Guard.

BDSM and fetish imagery has spread out into the mainstream of Western culture through avant-garde fashion, the gothic subculture, rap, hip-hop and heavy metal video clips, and science fiction television and movies.The modern BDSM subculture is widespread. Most major cities in North America and western Europe have clubs and play parties, as well as informal, low-pressure gatherings called munches. There are also conventions like Living in Leather, TESfest and Black Rose, as well as the annual Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco.The Leather Pride Flag is a symbol used by the leather community or subculture, as well as the BDSM triskelion.

International

The legal situation of sadomasochistic activities varies greatly between countries. In Japan, Germany, the Netherlands and the Scandinavian countries, consensual BDSM is legal.In the UK, BDSM activities which cause injuries which are more than ‘transient or trifling’ may be illegal. But the few cases since the original R v Brown 1990 ruling have been contradictory in their judgments. In other countries it is an example of a consensual crime. At least in the western, industrialized countries and Japan, since the 1980s sadomasochists have begun to form information exchange and support groups to counter the discriminatory image held by orthodox science and parts of the public. This has happened independently in the USA and in several European countries. With the advent of the web,international cooperation has started to develop – for example Datenschlag is a joint effort of sadomasochists in the three major German-speaking countries, and the mailing list Schlagworte uses the model of a news agency to connect six countries.

All text is available under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License

New Report

Close