You’re submissive, what now?

When we first discover these facets about ourselves, after the initial shock, psycho analyzing ourselves, etc, we are eager to find someone to share our lives and ourselves with. It is only natural that we seek a partner. Nobody wants to be alone. As Submissives, you have an overwhelming need to belong to and/or serve someone. This is a normal need. All experience it.

Because of this strong need to belong, many newcomers to the scene make decisions too quickly and brashly. They may meet someone weather online or in person, and because there is interest, jump ‘head first’ into a relationship with someone they barely know, just to have that sense of belonging or to feel the excitement of ownership. Experience is great, but a bad experience can ‘hurt’ in more ways than one. Wait… Now is not the time to go seeking your “one true Mistress” «< a phrase I detest .

Now that you’ve discovered this wondrous facet contained in yourself, it’s time to learn more about yourself. READ… READ…READ and read some more…I cannot stress this enough.


Take the time to learn all the different aspects of D/s, S/M, or the all-encompassing BDSM/Femdom. You don’t have to like pain, but if you do, that’s fine too. What rocks your world, may be another total turn off, we all are different but many things you’ll find the same…So explore. What’s out there? What are your options? What’s the difference between humiliation and degradation? What is scarification? What’s a St Andrews cross, a tens pad, a vampire glove? Read the resource section, learn the terms. Soak up what ever knowledge you can find…use the net for more than porn…Yes the net is more than porn; it’s your door way into a world you dream and long for.

If you don’t know what your options are, how can you make an educated decision about your life? You should not expect to find someone out there to decide that for you. You have to decide who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for in a partner, BEFORE searching for the one to whom you will give yourself. There are so many books and websites out there to read, study, and get the knowledge you need to find your partner.

Keep in mind, however, that books and websites are guidelines, not the end-all to anything. They are meant to be informative so you can make your own decisions, not recipes or directions of how it must be done. Even recipe ingredients can be substituted, and if you miss a turn, there is usually an alternate route. If you find one that says, “You must do X or else you aren’t submissive,” it’s probably not the site you want to be learning from. And, if you feel you are submissive, don’t let ANYONE tell you aren’t just because you feel differently than they do on a subject.

Okay. Now you’ve read every website you can find and every book you could get your hands on. It’s time to talk to other Submissives. Go to local munches and meetings (if there are any near you, you’ll find a list in the forum section under events), and meet others in the lifestyle, join in of forums, join the chat room you’ll be surprised what you can learn just chatting with others. Too many times, people are terrified to go to these things because they don’t know what to expect. They fear they’ll say something wrong, make fools of themselves, or get “in trouble”. No one is going to punish you, or expect anything of you at all. You’re not being interviewed for a position. We’re just people… who happen to be kinky. We sit around and talk about similar interests. Not much different if you went to a meeting about ‘painting’. Different people might talk about different paints and brushes, strokes, canvas, etc. But they all have the same interest. Painting.

We have a wonderful page here on site written by rooroo on his first experience Talk to both dominants and Submissives. (They won’t bite you…unless you want them to or provoke them LOL)… Find out what their lives are like, how they do, what they do? Ask questions, if you don’t ask you will never know. Get advice. Keeping in mind that not all advice you get from “seasoned” Submissives (or Dommes) will be good advice.

A little story about what happened to me in this regard: I often go to munches and meetings. At one of these meetings, the topic was “punishment”. I heard a statement that “Mistress hardly ever punished me“. According to his Mistress, he hardly ever requires it. Anyway, as I heard this statement, people were surprised that in the 2 years they had been together, he had only been punished once. One submissive, whom I respected, suggested that he purposely avoid some of his responsibilities to “test” his Mistress, I forget the direct quote but it was along the lines of ‘don’t fuel the car, so she runs out’… to see if She would punish him. That was about the worst advice I’d ever heard from a respected sub. His Mistress did run out of fuel in a very bad part of town, things turned out ok…but the possible outcome could have been worse. His mistress ‘trusted’ him with her safety (as you trust her) would you want a Domme who has no respect for your safety? He is submissive, why in the world would he want to upset his Mistress, or place her in danger. The moral is, while advice is a good thing, not all advice will be sound advice. So… as I often say, “Take what you like, and leave the rest.”

However, the following piece of advice is definitely worth reading. When you go to a munch, a club, a meeting, etc. Please…don’t beg entrance, curtsy, bow, or float gracefully across the room and fall gently to your knees before the Dommes, offering rose petals or whatever other lame thing is done in many chat rooms of that sort. You will be laughed off the face of the earth, dismissed as a dumb-ass, or if done in a public place, taken by the police to the nearest psych unit. LOL… No need to put on a big show or draw that kind of attention to yourself. Once in a relationship, if you’re dominant wants you to curtsy to him or her, that’s his or her call. Just be respectful and be yourself.

One of the common misnomers which irritate me is that “RESPECT must be earned”. That’s just not true. If you were out shopping and had a question, you might say, “Excuse me Ma’am, could you tell me where I can find the paper towels?” That’s showing respect.

Good manners, count everywhere in life Femdom is no different.

You know… those things our parents or guardians tried to in grain in us when we were growing up. Showing good manners is being respectful. Calling someone Sir, Ma’am, Doctor, Sgt., Professor, etc. are all examples of showing respect for someone. I use titles of that sort when talking to anyone I’m not on familiar terms with. However, in my opinion, the terms “Master” & “Mistress” should not be used lightly. Just because a woman is someone’s Mistress, doesn’t mean you must (or, should) call her that. She is that person’s Mistress, not yours. If you wish to show respect to someone else’s Master or Mistress, a simple “Sir” or “Ma’am” is adequate. Growing up, I was taught that respect should be given to everyone (regardless of societal status, employment, and later in life, whether they’re in the lifestyle or not). So I do. I respect everyone, unless and until they do something and no longer deserve my respect.

TRUST, on the other hand, is what must be earned.

If you were out shopping, would you trust the lady behind the counter to tie you up, and play with you? Would you trust her to not hurt you? Would you trust her to make decisions about your life? I certainly hope not. Going back to that ‘jumping too quickly’ and ‘needing to belong to someone’ thing, let’s expand a bit. You’ve studied, learned about yourself, and talked to others in the lifestyle. Now you’re ready to find a partner, so you start actively looking. Decide what you DO and DO NOT want in a partner. Both are equally important. Once you find someone you share an interest with, discover your compatibility. It’s very important to discuss all areas and aspects of the life and type of relationship you might be sharing with your prospective partner. It’s important to know where they stand on the D/s scheme of things. Some of the things you might wish to discuss include, but are not limited to: Dynamics of the relationship, expectations, punishment, types of play, limits, safety (including safe sex), safewords, health (mental & physical), etc. We have many of these mentioned resources articles available on

However, what about life in general together?

There is more to finding a partner than whether or not they are an experienced and good top/dominant. Is she a good human being? Can you trust this person not only with your physical well-being, but can you trust them to make decisions for you based on your moral beliefs? That part is often overlooked in the beginning, as the Femdom part seems to be the main focus when trying to determine compatibility. But what about things like: Bank accounts, will they be joint?; is marriage an option?; what if gets pregnant?; what if one of you cannot have children?; is religion an important issue to one or both of you?; will you be allowed, expected, or required to work outside the home?; does your prospective partner use drugs or alcohol?; what about medical care?; what about family? Find out about these and any other things that may be important to you.

When in a D/s relationship, there is a certain amount of conditioning/training/change that may take place. But, if you try to conform to the dominant’s ‘grand plan’, when it absolutely does not match your own desires and needs, then you are “settling” and are not likely to find yourself in an ideal situation. I’m not saying you have to agree on every little detail. That whole “to-may-toe/ to-mah-toe” thing isn’t a big issue, but there are many things that you may not be able to compromise on. Compromise is good…but knowing when and on what issues is vital.

Too often, some novices will settle for what they might believe is the best they can do, as opposed to what they really need. Maybe they’ve searched for months or even a couple of years without success. This can be exceptionally disheartening. However, settling for the first person that shows you attention can be disastrous. Would you go to a bar, meet a person and then run off to the Justice of the Peace and marry her that very night, that week, or even that month? Most probably not. Generic vanilla-type questions are just as important, as the D/s related ones.


You have the inalienable right to consent. It is your choice, and that choice should not be made rashly. In getting to know your partner, she will be learning about you too. It is “imperative” that you be completely honest not only with her, but with yourself as well. Tell her what you need, what you’re interested in, what you’re afraid of, what you might want to try some time in the future, but perhaps aren’t ready for yet. If you are unsure about something, say so. If you don’t know what something is, ask. Dominants are not mind-readers… If you want something, ask… Even though it detracts from your ideal of having a dominant JUST KNOW what we want/need. Most people aren’t experts on taking hints. So, if they don’t know you want it, chances are… you won’t get it.

If you do ask, and they don’t really give you an answer, in some cases, you may have to reaffirm your interest, possibly even a few times. It might be that she simply wants to make sure it’s something you really want, and not a whim. Been there…done that…LOL… If they haven’t given you a definite a, just remind her that you really want to try it, whatever it happens to be. However, I don’t recommend nagging.

Triggers” is another topic of importance.

Think incredibly hard about your past. The times you’ve been hurt, specific words, names, or scenarios that could cause a ‘trigger-effect’ (define this as “something that makes you cringe and/or recall vividly bad past experiences”). It’s not exactly fun to reflect on the bad parts of our past, but is important to do so in order to help avoid possibly bad situations in the future. Make sure you know each other’s limits, too. Too often, new Submissives are afraid to say “no” due to a fear of disappointing their dominant or not seeming “very submissive” if they refuse. That’s bull!!! Limits are set for a reason, and it’s ok to say no. Always, always, always play with a safe word.

Good luck and remember to enjoy!!!

Article by MissBonnie ©

related reading in the same section

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
On Being Submissive

Leave a Reply

New Report