Category: Femdom Relationship and Dating hints ,tips ,articles for R/T & online

How to techniques, guides & advice Femdom Relationship and Dating hints ,tips ,articles for R/T & online

Posted on

How do I tell my children (that I’m kinda kinky)?

some hints and tips to make things easier when dealing with Femdom and erotic power exchange

Table of Contents

Many parents have questions about how and when to inform their children about their erotic power exchange emotions. Sometimes that may not be an easy thing to do. Here are a few handy guidelines that may help you as a parent deal with this problem. We have no intention of providing you with a ten easy steps program, since every individual situation is different. We can, however, try and help you with some hints and tips that may make the problem easier to tackle.

A few remarks first

Never perform any erotic power exchange activity in front of minors, no matter how minor the activity or how “old” the minor. First of all that’s illegal, secondly it’s none of their business, thirdly it’s nonconsensual behavior and finally, you may do some serious psychological/educational harm.

Contrary to what you may feel, most children aren’t really interested in their parents’ sex life. In fact, most children don’t want to know about it. Think about what you would have felt like had you been told by your father what – and more importantly how – he did IT with your mother. Disgusting or uneasy thought, isn’t it? Well, ten to one your children feel the same about your sex life. In most cases this is a situation where the parents want to tell the children, NOT the children wanting to know. You do want to consider your options. If there is no need to know, if they don’t have questions, there’s no reason for you to tell.

One thing to firmly warn about at this point is ulterior motives by parents. If you’re planning to tell your children about your inclination because you don’t want them to be alarmed when daddy screams during a spanking your motives are DEFINITELY WRONG! Children – no matter at what age – are not supposed to hear their mother/father cry out in pain, especially not because of the fact that Mummy’s giving him an erotic spanking. Children don’t see and understand the differences between erotic power exchange and abuse and they WILL – no matter what you tell them – interpret it as abuse or, at best, strange parental behavior.

Any information/education about erotic power exchange or any other alternative lifestyle should be embedded in a total program for sexual education (more about this in a minute).

Sexual Education

General sexual education is something responsible parents should get themselves involved in at a very early stage. The general opinion of the experts is that a tolerant, responsible, broad sexual education should be incorporated in the general upbringing in a natural way (meaning you bring things up when the child is ready for it). When a child starts asking questions about where babies come from, that’s the time to start general sexual education and not pass it off by telling a story about how “the stork brings babies” or using “the your daddy/mummy will tell you when you’re older” kind of stuff. A natural and neutral format for sexual education, incorporated in the total education, is widely recommended by experts. By making it a normal part of life and a normal part of the education – as opposed to turning it into an “event” – children will grow up with a more natural opinion on sexuality and will also learn to be tolerant towards those who may have preferences outside the mainstream.

And yes, you, the parent, will have to do it. No reason to leave this to school programs. You as a parent are in the front line here and whatever school or social institution will do later can only be complementary to the education the parents did themselves. It cannot replace the parental responsibility.

There’s a lot more to sexual education than “the birds and bees” or the plain technical stuff. It’s also about attitude towards each other, negotiating your desires, understanding and tolerating others that may not share your emotions, sexually transmitted diseases, birth control, norms and values, self-protection, understanding your own body and desires and responsible sexual behavior. In fact, the technical stuff comes last

Embedding tolerance and understanding towards non-mainstream sexual activity is paramount if you want to give yourself any chance to explain about alternative lifestyles at a later stage. Embedding this is NOT the same as selling it. Your best bet is to do this just as naturally as you’d explain the many different flavors of ice-cream, so to speak.

Think ahead!

By all means do try to think ahead and prevent crisis situations. Children are curious and their curiosity will lead to your children finding your whips, cuffs, toys, books or pictures if you don’t store them properly (i.e. behind lock and key). What you should do is try and prevent children from finding books, pictures etcetera and then starting to fantasize about them (and telling others) without proper information and guidance. Plus, you’re very likely to scare the living daylights out of them if it happens that way – and at that point they’re not as likely to tell you about the things they found and their very logical fears and misconceptions.

If and when they find these things they’ll very likely not turn to you with questions, but they will talk to (and maybe show it to!) their friends and it’s not unlikely – depending on their individual situation – that they’ll seek outside counsel without your knowledge. That’s not what you want. Unless you have created a situation where it’s normal to talk about these subjects, don’t expect your children to come to you. And just being a good parent isn’t enough in this area. You have to establish a situation where sexually related matters are being discussed in a normal, mature way. “You can talk to me about anything” will not do it when it comes to sexual desires, subjects and fears your children may have. You will simply have to play an active role here. Being there is not enough. In fact, even if there’s a healthy environment, they may not turn to you because they may very well be afraid to embarrass you.

Another well known crisis is the following scene: Daddyy has just been tied down on the bed and little Johnny walks into the bedroom, complaining about a painful tummy. This is a scene you will first of all want to try and prevent. If you’re into erotic power exchange, make it a simple family policy that the parents’ bedroom is off limits, that a simple knock on a door is the polite thing to do in any case and that the door may be locked on occasion, simply because mommy and daddy appreciate a little privacy on occasion.

If a situation like this ever happens – talk to your child immediately! (No matter what time of the night it is.) Simply explain the situation. If you don’t you’ll run into all sorts of problems later. Remember that parents are the ultimate role models.

At what age?

It’s difficult to give any general guideline about the right age to inform children about alternative forms of sexuality. One thing however is certain though, there’s very little use in telling them about it if there’s insufficient fertile soil (in other words if more general sexual subjects have not been covered first) or if they’re unable to understand what you’re trying to explain. Some children – girls especially – will start to understand at the age of 14 or 15. Others – boys are slower – will only be ready at 17 or 18. In any case, subjects like alternative lifestyles are something for a more mature age and certainly not for young children. If they’re unable to understand the subject, it’s very likely your effort will turn out to be counter productive.

Another important hint: give them time. Children, especially adolescents, go through a turmoil of sexual fantasies, uncertainties and developments between the ages of eight and fifteen. And just because girls start to menstruate that doesn’t mean that boys don’t also have similar huge emotional steps to go through. The first wet dream can have just as much impact as the first menstruation. Don’t overfeed them with information. Especially not any information that comes on top of the normal experimental phase, the hormonal changes and the growing pains. Children, adolescents especially, need time to experiment, to discover their own sexuality. Your need to tell them about erotic power exchange – unless they specifically ask – is indeed your need, not theirs. Over enthusiastic plans to tell them about your inclination may heavily interfere with the development of their own sexuality and that may very well cause serious problems later.

Also, do remember that adolescents especially are extremely receptive to sexually related subjects and that shame and uncertainty play a big part in their life. They’re exploring. Let them – but do remember that anything you tell them now will be a HUGE IMPRINT. Here’s a good example of just how big. A young – 12 year old – boy after his first wet dream was told by his mother that he had only a limited amount of sperm available and that he wasn’t supposed to waste any of it. This of course scared the living daylights out of him. Twenty years later it took a very experienced therapist well over three years to get this imprint out of his head. Until that point he had been too afraid to even try and make love, hence had turned impotent.

What to tell them?

Well, as we explained, children don’t want to know about the sexual activity of their parents. So you’ll have to concentrate on a more general approach: i.e. there are homosexuals, bisexuals, lesbians, people into erotic power exchange, etcetera and it’s absolutely normal to have non-mainstream preferences, inclinations or fantasies. Do explain that people who’ll try to tell them different are simply intolerant. Once you’ve fertilized the soil this way and sexual subjects have become normal subjects for your children to talk about or ask questions about (even if these questions are difficult) you’ve won three quarters of the battle. Because once you’ve established this situation – which is a long term strategy – not only will you have given your children a much more mature and tolerant outlook on sexuality (and helped make them less likely to become pregnant at an early age, run into some sort of sexually transmitted disease or anything similar), but you’ll have created an environment where they’ll start to ask questions.

This is a long term strategy that, ideally, should start at a very early age (playing with your own sex-organ is NOT unnatural for example, all children do it and usually at a very early age). As soon as you’ve established a climate where sexual subjects are just as normal as asking questions about math tests at school, it’ll be likely that your kids will start to ask questions. THAT is the right time to talk about erotic power exchange, because now they’re receptive to it and probably up to it. Explain it to them in general terms, not as “this is what Mummy does to Daddy.” At a later stage, again only after the soil has been prepared and fertilized, you may want to – casually – tell them mommy and daddy are into it as well.

How to tell them?

Most experts on sexual (or any) education will tell you that education is a dual process: explaining and a bit of initiative by the educator on one end, and exploration and discovery by the child on the other. Which is why any responsible sexual educator will provide written material (books or Internet information) on the subject as well as explanation, guidance and personal information. That’s exactly what you should try and do. Get yourself some books (on general sexual education) and make sure these books are the tolerant, non-prejudiced kind. If and when the subject of erotic power exchange is being brought up: provide information about the subject they can read for themselves (remember that it’s not unlikely they may already have done some exploration themselves), but make sure this is in a format that children or adolescents will understand.

Again, in your role as educator take a neutral, more general approach and try to avoid your OWN personal preferences and involvement at this stage and only, casually, tell them later about the fact that you’re into it as well.

In general, boys are more likely to talk to daddy about sexual issues, girls are more likely to pick mommy for this job. Hence sexual education is something BOTH parents should get themselves involved in. Not every parent is good at this. No problem, there’s nothing wrong with telling your children that you have difficulty explaining this or that or that you may have to educate yourself first.

Erotic power exchange behavior

Couples will often have behavior patterns and house rules that are the result of the power exchange dynamics between the two partners. Examples are things like the submissive always has to obey the dominant, she has control over money, he has to greet in a certain way and such. In principle there’s nothing wrong with this, but there are a few things to consider in this area.

Make sure you set the right examples for your children. You – as a parent – are the ultimate role model. If limited budget control is the system in your family, that doesn’t have to be a problem, as long as you explain that this isn’t the way everybody does this and that your daughters will have to learn to control their own budgets.

Punishments, kneeling down and over-enthusiastic house rules are out of the question when children are present. You’ll have to look for more subtle ways to make the power dynamics explicit or simply refrain from them in the presence of children. If you set the wrong role model you may create unwanted, unbalanced or unhealthy behavior patterns later and not everything can be corrected by explaining.

Finally it’s not all that difficult as long as you understand that there is NO need to know from the child’s point of view. Very likely YOU are the one wanting to explain the situation – the only question you have to ask yourself is whether or not that’s productive and has anything to contribute to the child’s upbringing and development. In almost all cases, general, tolerant and open-minded sexual education is GOOD. Very good. But – even unintentionally – projecting your needs and desires on your children is NOT GOOD. So make sure you know why you want to explain these things to your children and then make sure to do it as part of your ongoing overall sex education program for them.

Based on materials from the POWERotics Foundation © 1996-2000; republished here with their permission powerrotics.com (now closed) Article added too by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Posted on

D/s and having a family

PROTECTING YOUR FAMILY while PRACTICING FEMDOM

If you are an SM lifestyler, or practice femdom, having children means you have given hostages to the state. How do you protect your sexual privacy and still be good parents?

Often, the result of a strong union between partners is – a child.

How this affects your relationship depends a lot on how you practice BDSM. The questions are many, and the answers are not easy to find. Having a child means more than a drain on your paycheck. The real investment is time and the demands placed on the partners. Having a baby means never having to say you’re sleeping. We have all heard about the two o’clock feedings. But there is something even more important than the loss of sleep and money. That is the loss of privacy. It means a drain on the time you spend together. This is the hardest part of having children, but it is not impossible for relationships to overcome. The way to do that is to do again something many of us have already done, and that is to look inside yourself and your relationship. Ask yourself some basic questions. What is your time commitment to BDSM? Are you a lifestyler, or do you indulge in your fantasies once a month or so? As a Dominant, do you expect your sub to be kneeling when you get home? Can you handle it when that stops as the baby becomes a toddler? Do you have a safe place to lock your toys?

Perhaps the first consideration should be this: Don’t show your kid anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to your child’s kindergarten teacher. What you do with your partner is your business, but the State will make it its business if it thinks your lifestyle affects the kids adversely. Keep the toys well locked away, safe from kids and intruders alike. Remember, home videos made public were just an embarrassment before. Now they might be evidence in a State’s custody case against you.

How does your lifestyle affect the child? Would it be good for the child to live in a BDSM household? We can’t have little Johnny knowing what we do, can we? Well, no. And yes. While I agree that there are a lot of things you can’t do around your children, it doesn’t mean that the Dominant has to give up control, either.

Most unions, whether they be a business or a marriage, usually benefit from strong leadership. It is all right for Johnny to understand that Dad (or Mom) is in charge. A structured environment is good for children. If you are giving them that, you should feel proud, not embarrassed. It is how you go about it that is important.

I was talking to a friend of mine who is a therapist. She made a good point. A benevolent dictatorship would be good for the child. A more Stalinesque relationship might be more harmful to the child. It is important that you present a strong and loving relationship to your children.

Also, remember that as children grow, their needs change. The time they want, and the type of attention they want changes. As they do, you have to examine how that will affect your relationship.

All of this seems a little apocalyptic, but it really isn’t as black as all that. There are some concrete things you can do to ensure your continued and strong relationship.

First, redefine your limits. Decide what you feel comfortable with around your baby. How far can you go, and not breach that wall between parent and lifestyle, or play?

Second, develop code words that the two of you understand. Calling a sub “’slave”’ around the child might not be a good idea, but if it is understood that when the word “baby” is said with a special tone, the Dominant is calling the other “slave,” you can do that instead. Speak a secret language of love between the two of you. “Sugar” might mean “’Sir,” and ““darling”’ might mean “This is an order!” You can expand on this.

Plan times that you can get away and play. Parents in general forget to plan for time away, but it is much more important in a BDSM relationship. Even if you are a parent, and you feel your are owned by the “little Monster”, remember the importance of the relationship that gave your little Monster their life.

Get a couple of babysitters that you can count on. Decide how often you will get away. Once a month? Twice a month? Every third weekend? You decide based on finances and the time the child needs. Let your babysitter know when you would like them, and how often. Plan for sound and play. Try to keep your playroom and the kids bedroom as far apart as possible. If possible, make that a different room than your bedroom. If you have the money, soundproof your bedroom/playroom. Make sure you have secure locks from the inside and outside. Children are great for barging in unannounced. and you have a right to privacy, too.

Having a child is a challenge in any relationship, and even more so to a BDSM relationship. It does change your life, but if you understand that, and are willing to accommodate it, you can overcome the problems and still have a strong and supportive BDSM partnership.

Resource Article : David Comoss CollarNcuffs.com ©

Posted on

Detecting the Fakes in an Online World of Femdom

fake online person

Table of Contents

Every day I am confronted by friends, acquaintances and those recommended to seek Me out with questions regarding a person (or people) that they feel may be perpetrating a scam against them. I don’t mean the common E-Mail scams (such as “Viagra Cheep” or “Lose 40 pounds by Summer”) but the much more insidious scam involving the creation of one or more fake personalities. The scammer then uses the pseudo-persona’s to deceive, hurt or abuse their victim or victims.

Because the internet offers so many easy ways to hide, to become someone fake, or to even impersonate a whole group of people, it is often very difficult for those that are not “Net Savvy” to detect and defend themselves against such scams. The purpose of this page will be to help those needing general info .. or just wanting a little more knowledge .. to recognize the common scams before they can become dangerous or injurious.

Common Techniques

Before we can get into how to recognize a scam, we should review the most common tricks that scammers use. We will explain what makes a person “Real” and how scammers use the various Internet programs to appear real.

Email Accounts

The popular “Portal Sites” (such as Yahoo, MSN, Google, etc.) all offer free or low-cost E-Mail accounts these days. In recent years they have all taken steps to prevent automated systems (such as those used by Spammers) from signing up for these accounts. However they do allow a single person to create multiple accounts with no trouble. This is a common “exploit” (or trick) used by the fakes. They will create one or more fake E-Mail accounts and then flesh them out with personal details to make it appear that each account belongs to a separate person. Fortunately for us, the big-name E-Mail services store information in every message sent that can help us narrow down the real sender and detect when one person is sending out E-Mail under multiple different names. A little further down, I will show how to find and use that information.

Chat Names

We all use various Internet Chat programs (or “Instant Messengers”) these days. Fakes will routinely use the various bogus E-Mail accounts they’ve created to create companion Chat Names (or “handles”). While it is possible to have multiple handles on any one computer, it is generally not possible to log in to more than one at a time. This is important to remember since it requires a faker to log out of one handle before logging in to another.

However, since the faker can run many different chat programs at once (and most of us do have more than one program installed), they will sometimes have different handles for each type of chat program. This is also important to note. Because most of us do have handles for many different chat programs, someone that only has one program installed and refuses to (or claims to not be able to) install another chat program may be suspicious.

Chat Profiles and Pictures

Most (if not all) of the common programs allow the user to fill out information about themselves. This information is called the “Profile”. Most fakes will take extra care to put real sounding info in the Profile as a way to lend credibility to their fictitious persona. But the problem is they can’t use a “real photo”, so they will borrow one from the Internet or leave it blank. Be extra cautious of anyone who uses a “commercial grade” photo in their profile. While it does not necessarily mean they are a fake, if the photo isn’t a real person (usually taken with a webcam or digital cam) then your level of caution should be a bit higher.

Also make note of their geographic location in the profile. If not listed there (and it often isn’t for basic ‘net security reasons) then be sure to find that out during your conversations with them. Fakes that create more than one persona will often scatter them around the world or the country … and that bit of fabrication will help you “out” them a little later on.

Pictures Sent Via E-Mail or IM

Fakers will often need to (or want to) send pictures of “themselves” in order to prove their existence and reality. However, as with Profiles, they must find a source for the pictures they send out. Fortunately for us, most commercial sources (and many picture sites) will “watermark” or put digital information into their pictures that indicate the true source. Fakers can’t easily remove this information and thus it will be visible to you after you receive the picture. All you need to know is how to look at it and what it means.

If the Faker sends a picture file as an attachment to an E-Mail, you should also keep the E-Mail for use in determining the real origin. The information stored in the “Headers” can be compared with those in E-Mails from other people to determine if they are indeed from separate computers and regions, or in fact from the same one.

Internet “Connections” During a Chat

Most chat programs will create a “connection” between the two computers engaged in a chat. While the connection may be only temporary and exist just when the chat starts, certain types of chat activities (such as sending files or viewing a webcam) can establish a connection that lasts much longer. On computers running Window 2000 and Windows XP, there are programs you can use to list all the connections, both the “IP Address” (similar to a street address) and the “Port” (similar to an apartment number). While the program and function you are using controls the Port, the IP Address can help you determine the other person’s general location, or at least let you determine if it is the same as another persona in the Faker’s “community”.

The Nitty-Gritty Techno Babble Stuff

Now that we have a general idea of what sort of things can expose a faker, it’s time to get into the dirty details of how to get the information we need. Primarily the data comes from a few different sources and types:

  • 1.IP Address – The unique address (or location) on the Internet assigned to every computer.
  • 2.E-Mail Headers – The digital fingerprint of every computer that an E-Mail passed thru on its way to you, and the fingerprint of the true sender.
  • 3.Digital Signatures or Watermarks – The digital numbers stored inside a picture or document file that indicates its true source.

The following will discuss some simple ways to find the information you need, how to interpret it (or websites that can interpret it for you) and other details you might like to know about what it all means.

IP Address – Where Are You Really?

Every computer that talks on the Internet has a unique address called its “IP Address”. Different Internet Service Providers (or ISPs) have blocks of addresses that they use for their customers. Often times the IP Address can even identify a general location too. A Faker that has more than one bogus persona may remember to log into the right account, but they seldom if ever can change their IP Address too. Thus the IP Address can be compared between two “people” to see if they are in fact the same person (or at least using the same computer). Some programs (such as IRC chat sites and programs) convert the IP Address into a unique “Ident”; thus while you may not know the exact IP Address, you can at least be sure that two people with the same Ident are in fact using the same computer.

Techno-Geek Note: Some ISPs (such as AOL dial-up) use “connection farms” that totally obscure the origination IP Address. However, since Fakers often do not disconnect and reconnect when switching persona, you can usually find the same IP Address from two of their persona. Techno-Geek Note 2: The more savvy will notice that there are cases where the same IP Address will be shown for two different computers. The most common reason for this is home-based networks where a “Router” is used. However, if the same IP Address shows up for two people who claim to be miles or continents apart, it’s a safe bet they are fakes and liars.

Turning an IP Address Into a Location

Finding the real location of an IP Address is not such a simple thing. While there are special databases that convert an IP Address to an Internet Name and vice versa (the so-called “DNS” process), there isn’t an “official” database to find the location of a specific IP Address. However there are a few companies that have created their own databases … and they even provide access to them over the Internet. Some of them even provide free access to their database (but on a limited basis though). One of the databases that I use periodically is from a company called www.IP2Location.com . When you open the website you will see a list of the services and products they offer along the left-hand edge.

Near the bottom of that list is a section called “Free Resources”. Their main page also includes a “Live Product Demo” section on the upper right-hand side as shown to the left.

Note that “your” IP Address is automatically filled in for you when you open their website. You can highlight the entry and replace it with any IP Address you desire, then press the “Find Location” button to view the location information they have on file. When I clicked the button, the results I received are shown here:

IP Address Country Region City Latitude/Longitude ZIP Code Time Zone *deleted for site safety* AUSTRALIA Victoria Melbourne 35.283-149.217 – *edited*

Net SpeedISP Domain

  1. CCADIALPOOLS2-CCCONNECT.NET.AU

it shows that I live in Australia, that my Internet Service Provider (ISP) is CCADIALPOOLS2-CCCONNECT.NET.AU and that my Time Zone is +10 hours GMT (“Greenwich Mean Time”; the universal home base of Internet Time services).I have deleted some of my details for site safety. Right here is all the information you need to determine approximately where I live. If I had been telling you that I actually lived in Minnesota USA (for example), this one test would prove to you that I’m lying thru my teeth. Clearly I am not in Minnesota, USA, I live in Victoria, Australia. (Or at least I am connected to the Internet from Australia. But since most fakes are cheapskates and freeloaders too, it’s a safe bet they are not making tons of long distance calls to other states or countries just to disguise their real location.)

Techno-Geek Note: As can be seen from the example above, the actual physical address of an IP Address does not absolutely pin down a house address. You cannot use an IP Address to find someone’s house, workplace or other highly accurate location. The best you can do is narrow it down to a region of the country or world. So if you’re concerned that your IP Address will lead stalkers to your house, don’t be. Bad guys can no more find your home address from your IP Address than you can.

Let’s do another example test. Suppose we find the IP Address of 207.46.248.67 for someone that we often chat with. (The IP Address is actually that of a Microsoft E-Mail server, but this is just an example.) After you do your first “Find Location”, the page where the results are shown will include an entry box and some brief instructions on how to perform another test (as shown below).

The results I received for our test IP Address are shown here:

IP Address Country Region City Latitude/ Longitude ZIP CodeTime Zone 207.46.248.67 UNITED STATES WASHINGTON REDMOND 47.6738 -122.089 98052 edited due to publish time

So now we have a handy (and free) tool to help us locate the real location of someone, once we have their IP Address.

Finding a Location from E-Mail Headers

One of the best resources provided by IP2Location is a tool that uses their database and some nifty programming to analyze the headers of an E-Mail message. this service is free and easy to access; simply click the “IP2Location™ Email Header Tracer (Free)” button. At the top of the page you will see some brief instructions on what to do as well as links to specific instructions on how to find the E-Mail Headers for some of the more common E-Mail services

I use Microsoft normally, but I also use Yahoo and gmaill as well. Just remember that the techniques you will use to find the E-Mail Headers depend on YOUR E-Mail service and not those of the person that sent you the message.

There are a lot of cryptic computer details included in the headers, but you needn’t worry; the IP2Location tool will figure out which of the header lines it needs and ignore all the rest.

Very Important Note: The last entry is of no significance to you; it shows the E-Mail server that you use and will almost always be the same. It does not show any useful information about the sender. Only the first entry shown above contains that information.

In the case of the email, I just last checked there is only one E-Mail Server “fingerprint” in the message headers. This is because Spammers often send their crap directly to your E-Mail server in hopes that their real location won’t be visible. Of course, they are stupid because such tricks not only uncover their true IP Address, but also identifies the E-Mail message as “bulk”; a trait easily identifiable by Spam scanner and protection programs.

Picture and Image Files

One of the common problems that fakes encounter is the need to put a face on the “people” they create. Since they obviously cannot use their own pictures, they will often “mine” the Internet looking for pictures that they can use. Sometimes you can spot the fakes just by the pictures they provide; for example if the people or places don’t match from picture to picture. However sometimes you have to dig a bit deeper.

Techno-Geek Note: You should NEVER accept files of ANY kind from someone you don’t know unless you are very well protected by good antivirus software and you know how to use it properly.

IMPORTANT WARNING: Always, always, ALWAYS check the full name of the file you’ve received. A lot of evil wicked people will send you a file claiming it is a picture when in fact it is a program that can harm your computer (or worse yet, allow them to spy on your computer). Before opening ANY file you received, scan it with a good antivirus program first and then double-check the file name by right-clicking on the file and choosing “Properties”. If you see a lot of spaces in the name, usually followed by “.EXE” or “.COM”, then delete the file and immediately cease communication with the sender.

Techno-Tools for digging deeper

Many times you will have to look “inside” a file to find out its true source. Two of the better of these free file viewers is called “V” and is available from www.FileViewer.com the other is www.Irfanview.com If you don’t have one of these programs and feel they might be too difficult for you to operate, then by all means find someone you can trust that is able to help you dig some.

EXIF Data – The Extended Information Details

Most digital cameras and many of the picture editing programs available today will add additional details to any image file they create. This information, called the Extended Information (or EXIF data) is stored in the data bytes of the image file itself. Using a file viewer (such as “V”) you can easily find this data and possibly learn a bit more about how the picture originated and when it was taken.

You can see the name of the manufacturer and the model number of the camera itself When you receive a number of pictures from a faker and they claim they are all taken using their own camera, compare the EXIF data from each image file to make sure they really do all come from the same camera. If they don’t match, or if some have the EXIF block and some don’t, be prepared to ask more detailed questions and listen closely to the answers.

We’ve all heard this one “I just took this for you with my digital camera” This can be very useful statement when someone makes this claim… check are the date and time or are they from days, months or even years ago. Once again, you’ve caught them in a lie; a good reason to run away as fast as you can.

Most commercial photography studios and services will also add a Copyright Notice to the EXIF data in their image files. If you see such a notice in any of the images you receive from someone, be sure to ask them why they are distributing copyrighted works under false pretenses. Chances are pretty good they will be the ones to cut off communication … and quickly too.

Chat Handles – The Superman/Clark Kent/ ~wonderwoman/ Diana Prince Conflict

As mentioned earlier, Instant Messenger programs (such as Yahoo, MSN and AIM) allow you to have only one login active at a time. This fact can be especially important when you suspect someone may be using the programs to impersonate two or more people.

Let’s assume that you have two of their pseudo-people on your Yahoo. You’ve probably spoken to both of them at some time or other, but you’ve never been able to find them both online at the same time. This is because the faker must sign out of one handle and then sign into the other handle in order to chat. Just like no one ever sees Superman and Clark Kent together or at the same time, you will never find both fake people available at the same time either. So how do you use this information? Or better still, what can you do to prove or disprove your suspicions? Simple.

Whenever you are talking to Person A, also open a chat box with Person B and leave them a message that sounds critical or interesting enough to get their attention immediately. It can be especially telling if you use something like “I just found out something really scary about Person A and I need to ask you something right away.” If you don’t hear from Person B until after Person A logs out, and then you immediately hear from Person B … well guess what, A=B.

Conclusions

It can be very hurtful to find out you’ve been deceived by someone. Whether the deceit is in person or on the Internet, the common reaction is to blame yourself in some fashion. However, you must keep in mind that most fakers have honed their skills over many years and many lies. They become expert at what they do and how they do it. Even the best and most paranoid among us has, at one time or other, been duped by a faker. Do not be ashamed. Just take your lumps, learn to be a bit more skeptical, and then get back to living your life in a decent honest way.

If you spot a fake, or if you are suspicious that someone may be “less than honest” about who they really are, do not hesitate to call on other friends and have them help you corner the liar. Because fakes are habitual liars, they will often tell slightly altered versions (or sometimes wildly different versions) of their story to other people. This allows you to compare notes with your friends and hopefully catch the liar red-handed.

And always remember the three basic rules of Internet Chatting:

  • ·Be Cautious and Reasonable – Listen carefully to the stories you hear, take everything with a grain of salt, and try to remain reasonable in your suspicions.
  • .Never Trust Anyone with Your Money – Never give out money, bank account or credit card information, or any financial details to anyone you cannot touch (and if necessary beat upside the head ).
  • ·Live and Learn – When you find you have been deceived, take your lumps, get on with your life and go into the next experience a little wiser and a little better prepared to protect yourself and your feelings.

Hopefully the above information will help you and others around you stay safe and secure while still having fun and finding happiness in your lives. If you know of someone that could use this information, do not hesitate to pass it along. If at all possible, find a local “computer geek” that you can trust and that can help you understand some of the deeper technical issues you may encounter. And above all else, be ready to forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive others, because carrying anger and spite inside you will never solve any problems.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Posted on

Finding a Domme

FINDING MISS RIGHT! Not miss right now

UPDATE 2022: Please note our community contains a more in-depth collection of articles and resources in our Free Program, “Help me, find my Domme.

Are you looking for a magic spell or potion a unique formula that will guarantee you a Mistress you want? Well, there isn’t any . Not really…

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you must start at the beginning. Just as you would in the vanilla world First you sit down and identify who you are as a person. By this I mean your viewpoints on morality, spirituality, ethics politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and your sense of humor. Yes!!! It all counts After all is said and done its who you are as a person These fundamental facets count the most. Too many people look through rose colored glasses, looking for the D/s facet instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that equals or matches you. This is critical. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using signs or safe words, wanting only to appease their Domme. So, it is a good idea to ‘match’ with the same limits as your Domme from the beginning. In addition, if you are a McDonalds burger person, you may have trouble eating caviar and drinking champus every day of the week- be real and honest with yourself!

Yes. Domme’s have limits. They have the same mental processes as all humans. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking a Domme who matches you then you reduce the potentials of limits violations. So, you have your list . . . What to do now? Since you are probably reading this via the wonders of the internet Now use your computer to conduct a search (yes that’s right if good for something other than porn LOL) . You can do so by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Domme, Mistress. Then type in your local area. Some good place to conduct searches are Collarncuffs forum, Collarme.com, Alt.com, Bondage.com . It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 3 hour drive from your permanent residence. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics, they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems which are much less common ‘within’ your local area. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that could have possibilities. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter (please note this means NO naked photos if a Domme asks for naked pics she is more than likely interested in a playmate than a person). In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually all countries have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. You could also addressed this in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Attend a few local social events (I am not talking play parties or open dungeons but demo’s and workshops !).

By limiting your search to your local vicinity you increase the potential of finding a life partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber chats and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to ‘prevent’ the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement’s without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. If you find you are constantly finding Miss Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When you contacting a potential partner/Domme in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to ‘appear’ just right when they really are not. Keep your email courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. (The things on your list). If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Honorific titles are earned – not given by typing in a screen name or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time – consistent actions and behavior becoming to the individual. To me this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.

Next I recommend a fairly quick meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with No plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the sub they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered within the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)

If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your risks are much higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time that children have no reason to question!

Each of these things present you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.

Having said all this I do wish to add that some long distance relationships can and do work. if you are familiar with our forum on Collarncuffs you will know, to whom I am referring too. But I think even he will agree, it has been a long hard haul to the road of happiness…and his hard work has paid off…and we here at Collarncuffs wish him every happiness and a smooth journey forward for him and his Wife/Domme.

article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Posted on

Seeking professional Dommes

UPDATE 2024: Please note our community contains a more in-depth article contained within our FREE program “Femdom 101” for those new and starting out.

We here at Collarncuffs are often asked how do I know if she’s the right Prodomme for me, how do I find a Prodomme, what will she do to me, MissBitch has graciously supplied some answers on how to make your session a smooth success.

Whether you are a nervous jittery novice contemplating your first time experience, or a weekly visitor at your local house of Domination, this article will teach you, how to find the ProDomina of your dreams and how not to be Her nightmare. My conversations with numerous Mistresses over the years have revealed common experiences and preferences in regards to the conduct and procedure for booking appointments.

Below I outline crucial advice for submissives seeking a session with a ProDomme.

Table of Contents

List your fetishes.

Make a list of the your likes/dislikes. Pay attention to your fantasies, if you fantasize about a certain fetish frequently ­ usually you will enjoy it in session.

Prioritize your list into things that you

  • a) know you like,
  • b) are willing to try, and
  • c) do not want to do.

Don’t leave anything out because you are embarrassed or scared thinking the Mistress will lose respect for you. These mistakes will only keep you from realizing your true fantasies.

Determine your limits.

Go back over your list. Estimate your threshold for each activity by comparing it to prior experiences with intense sensations that you found erotic (or past S/M scenes). Realistically evaluate whether you want light, medium or heavy play in each area of interest. Remember that each activity may be combined with additional sensory input during a session, which will multiply your perception. Novices should start with light play only; you can always increase the intensity. And most importantly don’t say “you can do anything with me, Mistress” because an experienced ProDomme will use that opportunity to satisfy her most severe sadistic urges thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle it. Don’t try to impress by overstating your limits ­ you might not be happy with the results !!

Special equipment.

Some activities require specific toys and equipment. Figure out your special needs such as: suspension rig, cross dress wardrobe, electric shock devices, etc. Don’t assume that every Mistress can provide the correct equipment. Furthermore, if you have a specific fetish for something unusual such as “purple spotted granny knickers”, go out and buy some to present to the Mistress in session.

Decide what you need in a Prodomme.

Think about what are the most important qualities you would like to find in a Mistress. Consider such elements as personality, physical appearance, and style of play. Some Mistresses have a friendly, compassionate, flexible play style while other Mistresses have a distant, haughty, imperial play style. In order to learn about a client’s preferences, I often ask them

  • a) who they have seen in the past,
  • b) what worked with her, and
  • c) what did not work. Try going over your history to determine the fundamental characteristics for a successful encounter. Determine what sort of relationship you want. Do you like the short term, anonymity that a house, which employs several Dommes, can provide or do you prefer a long-term personal interaction with an independent Mistress?

Independent or house?

Decide which is right for you an independent Domme who works for herself or a ProDomme on staff at a house of domination. There are pros and cons for each. Women who work independently often have a private studio (sometimes shared with another Domme), are more experienced and sincere, and offer a more personal connection. However independents are generally more expensive, more selective about their submissives, and less likely to see you at the last minute. Houses are less expensive, convenient, and offer opportunity for group sessions. However, the Mistresses at a house are sometimes less experienced, and may not be genuinely into the scene.

Look at ads Keeping your own ProDomme needs in mind,

look at advertisements local papers, and on the web. Take cues from the ads regarding the attitude, interests, dislikes, intensity, and style of the Dommes. Look for mentions of your specific fetish but don’t assume that a Mistress is not into your scene just because it isn’t listed in her ad. Be wary of a ProDomme who doesn’t show her face ­ this denotes a reluctance to be associated with S/M, which I see as an indication that she isn’t really into the scene (*generalization ­ not true in every case). Do not allow yourself to be swayed away from your specific needs just because a Mistress looks good in photos or she is wearing your favorite fetish wear you will be disappointed if you are mismatched in other crucial areas.

Be careful Don’t think that less is more;

don’t try to save money by going to someone based on tribute alone, if she doesn’t know what she is doing she could seriously hurt you. If finances are a concern I advise visiting a well-known house of domination as opposed to an inexpensive Mistress who probably won’t have much equipment, wardrobe or experience and might not be safe. Dominas with fully equipped spaces and extensive wardrobes have high overhead, and demand a higher tribute, but they generally have more technical and safety expertise.

How to write a letter or email.

Write a polite, submissive, concise note outlining your specific interests including your thresholds (i.e. light spanking, heavy whipping, CBT). Enclose whatever information or tribute she has requested or you may not receive an answer. Dominas often screen applicants by ignoring the ones that fail to demonstrate their sincerity, this is necessary because so many applicants are insincere and Mistresses receive many letters and emails. Unless requested, you do not have to send a photo or jpeg of yourself. Clearly indicate the dates you going to be in her area if traveling and write well in advance as most Dommes get so much correspondence they can’t keep up. Including contact information (email, phone, pager) will greatly increase your sincerity rating in her eyes. If you are worried about discretion, get a pager or voicemail number or buy an inexpensive PO box. Believe Me, it is well worth the investment. Make sure your address or contact info is on every page of your letter ­ more than once I have lost the envelope for letters that only had the return address on the envelope. Finally wait and wait and wait for a reply. She is probably not going to have time to get back to you immediately.

Call

Of course you will be nervous when you call, that is expected, everybody is nervous. Just make the call. Experienced ProDommes are used to newer submissives Then follow my directions:

  • a) Introduce yourself before you start asking questions. Everyday I have to interrupt rude callers to find out whom I am speaking to…most annoying!
  • b) If you are making up a name choose something unusual instead of Bob, Steve, or John there are already too many of those make up something unusual and easy to remember ­ for both of you.
  • c) Call at a decent time.
  • d) If a receptionist answers, let her do her job. She is there to answer your questions and book appointments. Leaving a message for the Mistress probably won’t get a response unless she already knows you.
  • e) When speaking to a Dominatrix ask if she is seeing new clients, tell her what you want, ask questions about her facility, experience level, her specialties or interests, hours, tribute, etc. However, don’t try to press her into saying she does certain things such as golden showers, or dildo training. Those activities are illegal and she may not want to discuss them on the phone or she may deny that she does them. She may also not answer thinking you are after a free phone sex call. Indicate your interest in those areas and see if she still encourages you to visit her.
  • f) Remember that she is assessing you so don’t keep her on the phone with repetitive questions or idle chitchat, let her know that you respect and value her time.
  • g) Go ahead and tell her your secret desires, even if you feel embarrassed. She has probably heard it all before.
  • h) Don’t hang up when she answers or call just to hear her voice on the machine she might have caller ID *10# to call you back, and it will make her angry with you.
  • I) Don’t make an appointment if she seems overly pushy to book you, it sounds like you won’t like her, she is too bossy or disrespectful, or you seem mismatched.
  • j) Don’t book a time if you can’t make it or you aren’t really sure k) Write down the directions and address including suite number. Note any assignments she gives you and the answers to your questions so that you can review later.
  • k) If you can’t keep your appointment, call to cancel as soon as possible. She will appreciate it because no-shows cost money if she saves time for you.

The appointment Call to confirm as instructed.

Be on time. Leave if she seems to be drunk or on drugs because that is a very dangerous combination with Femdom. Leave if the ProDomme is not who you saw in the photo. Leave if there is no equipment or wardrobe (if these elements are important to you). Leave if the space is dirty or looks poorly maintained because it may indicate unsafe practices.

What to expect in session

A receptionist might answer the door, or the Mistress may answer in street clothes. You might have to wait in a room for her to finish up with another client. You might have to fill out a questionnaire about your likes/dislikes. You might be required to pay up front. You might be left to take off your clothes after a brief meeting with the Mistress (but legally she can’t tell you to undress without risk, so take a hint). She might give you a safe word (a word that will let her know you can’t take more of the same) before she starts to play. Act according to her directions – some Mistresses demand strict adherence to conduct befitting a slave, others don’t care if you act submissive. Don’t have unrealistic expectations ­ the session will not match your fantasies perfectly. And definitely do not bring a line-by-line script. Be open to her and let her do her thing ­ you might find it better than your script.

What NOT to expect in session.

Realize that when a Mistress says “no sex” she truly means it in the broadest interpretation. Know that she won’t be taking off her clothes, dancing, massaging, or letting you kiss intimate body parts… ­ go see someone else for these activities.

What to do so that she will let you come back.

Be clean. Be respectful. Be obedient. If you really want to make an impression, bring her a little something such as a gag, blindfold, scented candle or flowers. Go over your likes/dislikes with the receptionist or Domina so that it is fresh in her mind. You can bring a sheet about your interests but do not expect her to accept it. Speak up if she has pushed beyond your limits – a good Domme will appreciate the input without being threatened. Don’t try to impress by surpassing your limits. Understand that she may have another client waiting so don’t hang around so long that she has to come out and tell you about her next appointment. Help her to clean up. Demonstrate your gratitude ­ tell her how great the session was and that you want to see her again.

Tips

If she works in a house of domination, tip her. She only gets a percentage of the full tribute. It is not necessary to tip an independent Mistress

Follow Up

Afterwards write down your impressions, wait a few days to fully assess your reactions. Sometimes you will find activities that were unpleasant in session, are actually exciting afterwards. This is a common experience. Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, despised during, and relished after the act. That is a part of masochism ­ doing things that you don’t like. Evaluate whether you want to see her again and figure out the positive and negative elements so that you can pass that information on to the next Domina you see whether it is her or someone else. Adjust your list of limits if you have learned more about your preferences. When you call again don’t be vague saying “Hi, its Joe” ­ there are a lot of guys named Joe. Remind her of who you are by name, appearance, what you did in session, etc without her having to ask.

If you follow My advice you will know enough about your preferences and the protocol to realize your fantasies with the right Dominatrix

Resource Article : by MissBitch and MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Posted on

Warning signs

red flags

Table of Contents

Warning Signs and Red Flags

Many involved in the Femdom lifestyle have been introduced to it through the Internet and online chat rooms. Online can be very intense and very special. It can also lead to great harm to many, just as real time relationships can be quite intense and special and for others just as harmful. The possible harm in the online world is mainly emotional harm, though physical harm can happen when a submissive follows directions from one who claims to be a Dominant who is either uneducated or not a dominant at all, but a player.

What I wish to speak of now is emotional harm. Where most physical harm will heal, emotional harm can last a lifetime. I have seen so very often where a submissive is harmed because he/she gives all their trust to one not worthy of it. Submissives have several desires…a desire to please…a desire to be owned…a desire to be loved…and a desire to be treasured. These desires can leave a submissive quite open to being harmed emotionally. These desires are very intense, but they are very much part of them. And it is important that a submissive understands these needs and how to have them met properly. For an abuser, it is easy for them to become prey, if the submissive does not understand. An abuser takes these desires and carefully uses them to harm another. So please understand…understand yourself, understand your needs, and understand that with patience, you will find what it is you seek and your desires will be met.

Abusers use these needs to trap a submissive. They are very careful, they know how to manipulate the desires of another. They act as though they desire them…make them feel as though they are loved, but the one who is being targeted knows in their heart the relationship is not a good one. What the abuser has done, is draw the one so deeply in, they feel they cannot back away. Even though they know it is a bad relationship, the abuser meets just enough needs to entwine them. The abuser makes them feel as if they are the one who is at fault for any problems in the relationship and in doing this, the abuser sucks the life from them, but does not allow them to be free. Often, it is said, when online, the “Off” button is a safety measure, and that can work for a time, but once one is drawn in deeply by the manipulations of an abuser, it is hard to hit that button, but you can be free of abuse.

I am going to express in points things one should watch for and consider. If these things are occurring, please seriously consider what is going on with your relationship…

1. Isolation

Are you regularly kept from talking to others, be it in a chatroom or any other venue? Are you not allowed to have input from others? Are you with no real cause not allowed to talk to others who were your friends? Temporary separation from others does happen, but it is only for a limited time and only to give a submissive time to consider things and learn. But, it is this important to consider, is this one who claims to be a Dominant so insecure about himself and your relationship he cannot allow you to talk to others? A true Dominant is not insecure and will not keep you from openly talking with others, so that you also are secure in yourself and the relationship you are building with Her.

2. Belittlement

Do you feel as if you are put down? Do you feel like less of a person than you did before you met this person? Do your insecurities grow as you have gotten more involved with this person? A true Dominant desires to build up and help to make others the best they can be. If it is the one they claim as Their own, that desire is even more intense. To a true Dominant, this possession is a treasure and will be treated with great care and love.

3. Terror

Are you afraid to speak openly to the one who claims to be a Dominant? Afraid that your words will not be respected? Afraid you will be screamed at or made to feel guilty for expressing yourself? A true Dominant will not do that. you should feel and you need to know you have a right to express your concerns and that they will be listened to. A true Dominant will listen to you and allow you to express yourself and then the Dominant will talk with you. Does this mean the Dominant’s view is right or your is…no…but a true Dominant will respect you, just as you respect that Dominant.

4. Lack of trust

Do you feel a lack of trust for the one claiming to be Dominant? Are there many questions in your mind and heart which cannot be answered? In any relationship questions do arise, especially as two begin to learn of each other. But are you not allowed to discuss them? Or the answer, if you do raise a question from the other is a question, “Why do you doubt Me?” A true Dominant will desire to build your trust and security. As I said, in any relationship questions arise, a true Dominant understands this and will allow you to express yourself. The Dominant’s desire is that you have absolute peace and trust, first in yourself, then in the relationship you both are building and living.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Related Articles:

Dating red flags – Meet someone and want to move it to real time, what to watch out for in Femdom relationships.

Posted on

Beginning Real time Femdom

neon play sign

Table of Contents

Finding Others

One way of finding your local BDSM or Femdom scene is to google “bdsm” along with the name of the nearest big city. If that doesn’t work, try “leather” along with the name of the city. Or “munch” with the city name. This should hopefully return something, depending on where in the world you are; I wouldn’t count on finding anything if you live in Tehran or Saudi Arabia. You could even ask in forums if anyone knows anything about a scene in your city. Keep in mind that small towns generally don’t have any bdsm events; you’ll have to travel to a larger city.

Parties

Don’t go in saying things like “where are all the parties at?” If people like you, they’ll invite you in due time. They have to get to know you first. It’s okay to ask about public parties though. It’s generally considered rude to talk about private parties, unless everyone within earshot has been invited.

I’m shy

My biggest obstacle was making progress against my shyness (can’t say I’ve overcome it though.) Just walking into the first munch was a nerve-wracking experience……….but well worth it. (on the way to my first munch, I was screaming the Oscar Meyer Weiner song in my car, to try to calm my nerves.) Before going to the munch though, I looked at the munch’s website and e-mailed with some basic questions, like what people normally wore to these things. The person I ended up talking with was very friendly and understanding, and even asked to meet for coffee before I went to a munch, so that I’d at least know one person there.

What to wear

Speaking of what to wear- munches are usually pretty informal, and most people don’t wear much (if any) fetish wear. Jeans and a nice top are fine. It’s not a formal occasion. Basic black with blue jeans is a safe bet. If you’re in doubt, ask someone first. Be clean.

What to talk about

Once I started getting into the conversations, people were naturally curious about me, and asked questions. It was uncomfortable, but expected. This is one place where being yourself is really important. If I’d taken the clichéd approach of “I’m submissive, so I’ll do whatever you’re into; I have no interests of my own”, well, that’s just plain boring. And very fake. We’ve all got interests and fantasies, and it’s important to be open about them if we expect to live them. None of us are mind readers, whether dominant or submissive. Just because someone is a dominant woman, that doesn’t mean we’re compatible, so it’s important to be honest about our interests and expectations.

I’m honest about not being into protocol, ritual, structure, etc. These things are pretty popular among some dominants…..but I knew that if I pretended to be into them, not only would I feel like a hypocrite, but I wouldn’t be happy in the relationship either. Online, it’s common to see weak, obsequious, sniveling little twits who think that agreeing with everything impresses dommes. Invariably, there are a handful of online dommes who will go for this type. Being that way in the face-to-face world won’t get you far, though. Doormats attract abusers. Coming across as too eager to please often reeks of desperation. If you have a life, if you’re confident and strong, these are qualities that many dommes find interesting. We are all equals until we agree to some form of power exchange, and I treat everyone as such.

You deserve respect

One thing I continually keep in my head is that I’m deserving of respect. Many subs forget this. They think it’s their “place” to be treated badly or to be unfulfilled, since it’s supposedly all about the domme’s desires. Bullshit. An unhappy sub won’t stay around long; our desires are equally important. I make it clear that I feel that way early on when there’s someone I’m interested in. If she agrees that equality and d/s don’t have to be mutually exclusive, that’s a good sign. This can even show up in little things. For example, if a domme repeatedly cuts me off in conversation, why should I tolerate that? It’s rude, and I deserve better.

Dommes are just people

Seeing dommes as actual people (and expecting the same from them) is a must. We’ve all got faults and weaknesses. In a loving relationship, I expect to be accepted as I am. Of course, I give the same. If someone loves you, they accept you. This is important to keep in mind. If a domme tried to turn me into something I’m not, then that’s a way of saying “you’re not good enough for me, and I want you to be someone else.”

The scene is more than just a partner

I also realized that finding someone shouldn’t be my only reason for getting into the scene. I’ve made lots of friends there, and continue to have lots of great times with them………not to mention casual play with friends. If I’d ignored (or been cold to) everyone who didn’t seem “useful” to me, I wouldn’t have many friends.

Realities

About the same time that I got into the local scene, I started looking into forums online. What I found shocked me. There were so many people, domme and sub alike, who had totally unrealistic, overly idealistic expectations. All “real subs” are expected to be into TPE, do all the housework, and do all sorts of things they don’t want to do. That might work online, but being miserable in a flesh-and-blood relationship just isn’t a way I want to live. A lot of people, mainly online, take a “more is better” approach to submission. Isn’t personal satisfaction more important than playing subbier-than-thou? Submission should cause joy, not agony. We’ve all got our own particular style of submission; it took a lot of introspection and experimentation to find my way. It’ll probably take the same for you to find yours.

Here’s the analogy I often use: When I give a woman a single rose, I expect some sort of gratitude……..not some big showy display, just a genuine show of appreciation. If she said “That’s it?? Where are the other eleven?”, then she’s not someone I want in my life. This is how I view submission. If she doesn’t appreciate me (or vice versa) it won’t last. I don’t have to sacrifice my whole life in order to be submissive. We each give what we give, regardless of chosen position, and it’s important that our gifts (and our selves) be appreciated.

So overall, I try to keep all these things in mind. Keeping that attitude affects my actions, and everything else sort of falls into place. It can be hard to have the confidence to say “this is who I am, and if you don’t like it, then move on.” But if I didn’t do that, I’d be going from one lousy relationship to another. If someone doesn’t accept what I give, too bad.

There is an element of luck as well; even if someone does everything perfectly, there’s no guarantee they’ll meet somebody compatible. But if you don’t try, you may miss out.

Text taken from Fetish law forum (now closed), Article written by roo roo, all permissions granted.

Posted on

Dating Red Flags

Internet Red Flags and Dating Tips for Femdom People

“Red flag” is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone online for a Femdom relationship it is very important that you look for these red flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs.

red flags

These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please visit NLA’s Domestic Violence Project web page at: www.nlaidvproject.us/

Red Flags:

  • Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community?
  • Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
  • Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
  • Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
  • Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
  • Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
  • Consistently breaks promises.
  • Always finds excuses for not meeting.
  • Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
  • Does not take personal responsibility.
  • Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
  • Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.?
  • Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.?
  • Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
  • Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
  • Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub.
  • Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
  • Puts you down in front of other people.
  • Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
  • Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
  • Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
  • Lies or withholds information.
  • Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
  • Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
  • Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
  • Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas.
  • Blames you for your hurt feelings.
  • Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
  • Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
  • Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
  • Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
  • Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
  • Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
  • Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
  • Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
  • Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
  • Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
  • Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
  • Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

Safe Dating and Correspondence Tips

Before meeting:

  • Do not give out personal information to strangers. This includes your name, phone number, address, place of work or email addresses you use for other purposes.
  • Get a P.O. Box if you need to get mail from them. (Be aware that in the UK, it is possible to ask the Royal Mail for the details of the holder of the P.O. Box)
  • Do not send money to your online interest. There are online users that earn a living by faking love and pretending to run into hard times.
  • When you do make telephone calls, make sure your phone blocks caller ID or call from a public phone.
  • Do not call collect – Your number will appear on their bill.
  • Exchange multiple recent nonsexual photographs to avoid embarrassment and hurt feelings.
  • Get a background check before meeting. There are several services that will do this through the Internet.
  • Make it clear you are not going to engage in any BDSM activity on the initial dates.

During the meeting:

  • Meet in public places, preferably with a friend. Do not let your date pressure you into going somewhere else even if the date is going fine.
  • Try to make your first date a daytime event.
  • Drive yourself to and from the meeting place. Relying on them for transportation can put you in an unsafe position.
  • Establish a safety net complete with safe calls and details on your date.
  • Tell your safety net your date’s information, where you went and what to do in case you do not make your safe calls. Make sure your date knows you have a safety net set up. It is a great deterrent.
  • Bring along a cell phone on your date and do not become separated from it. Our community program Femdom 101 has a great article on how to set up a safe call.
  • Do not drink alcohol on your date or leave your drink unattended.
  • Never engage in bondage during your initial BDSM sessions.
  • Do not leave your wallet or purse unattended. Your date may dig through them to find out information you do not want them to know. If you are traveling to the meeting, do not let them meet you at the airport or bus station. Use cabs or rental cars for going to and from the public meeting place. Do not stay with them or let them make arrangements for you. Do not let them know where you are staying.
  • Be aware that safe words, safe calls, contracts, negotiations or gut instincts will NOT fully protect you from a real criminal. Take your time and be sure what you are getting into. Criminals have less patience for difficult targets

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Warning signs – Is it right I’m treated this way?

New Report

Close