D/s and having a family


If you are an SM lifestyler, or practice femdom, having children means you have given hostages to the state. How do you protect your sexual privacy and still be good parents?

Often, the result of a strong union between partners is – a child.

How this affects your relationship depends a lot on how you practice BDSM. The questions are many, and the answers are not easy to find. Having a child means more than a drain on your paycheck. The real investment is time and the demands placed on the partners. Having a baby means never having to say you’re sleeping. We have all heard about the two o’clock feedings. But there is something even more important than the loss of sleep and money. That is the loss of privacy. It means a drain on the time you spend together. This is the hardest part of having children, but it is not impossible for relationships to overcome. The way to do that is to do again something many of us have already done, and that is to look inside yourself and your relationship. Ask yourself some basic questions. What is your time commitment to BDSM? Are you a lifestyler, or do you indulge in your fantasies once a month or so? As a Dominant, do you expect your sub to be kneeling when you get home? Can you handle it when that stops as the baby becomes a toddler? Do you have a safe place to lock your toys?

Perhaps the first consideration should be this: Don’t show your kid anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to your child’s kindergarten teacher. What you do with your partner is your business, but the State will make it its business if it thinks your lifestyle affects the kids adversely. Keep the toys well locked away, safe from kids and intruders alike. Remember, home videos made public were just an embarrassment before. Now they might be evidence in a State’s custody case against you.

How does your lifestyle affect the child? Would it be good for the child to live in a BDSM household? We can’t have little Johnny knowing what we do, can we? Well, no. And yes. While I agree that there are a lot of things you can’t do around your children, it doesn’t mean that the Dominant has to give up control, either.

Most unions, whether they be a business or a marriage, usually benefit from strong leadership. It is all right for Johnny to understand that Dad (or Mom) is in charge. A structured environment is good for children. If you are giving them that, you should feel proud, not embarrassed. It is how you go about it that is important.

I was talking to a friend of mine who is a therapist. She made a good point. A benevolent dictatorship would be good for the child. A more Stalinesque relationship might be more harmful to the child. It is important that you present a strong and loving relationship to your children.

Also, remember that as children grow, their needs change. The time they want, and the type of attention they want changes. As they do, you have to examine how that will affect your relationship.

All of this seems a little apocalyptic, but it really isn’t as black as all that. There are some concrete things you can do to ensure your continued and strong relationship.

First, redefine your limits. Decide what you feel comfortable with around your baby. How far can you go, and not breach that wall between parent and lifestyle, or play?

Second, develop code words that the two of you understand. Calling a sub “’slave”’ around the child might not be a good idea, but if it is understood that when the word “baby” is said with a special tone, the Dominant is calling the other “slave,” you can do that instead. Speak a secret language of love between the two of you. “Sugar” might mean “’Sir,” and ““darling”’ might mean “This is an order!” You can expand on this.

Plan times that you can get away and play. Parents in general forget to plan for time away, but it is much more important in a BDSM relationship. Even if you are a parent, and you feel your are owned by the “little Monster”, remember the importance of the relationship that gave your little Monster their life.

Get a couple of babysitters that you can count on. Decide how often you will get away. Once a month? Twice a month? Every third weekend? You decide based on finances and the time the child needs. Let your babysitter know when you would like them, and how often. Plan for sound and play. Try to keep your playroom and the kids bedroom as far apart as possible. If possible, make that a different room than your bedroom. If you have the money, soundproof your bedroom/playroom. Make sure you have secure locks from the inside and outside. Children are great for barging in unannounced. and you have a right to privacy, too.

Having a child is a challenge in any relationship, and even more so to a BDSM relationship. It does change your life, but if you understand that, and are willing to accommodate it, you can overcome the problems and still have a strong and supportive BDSM partnership.

Article David Comoss CollarNcuffs.com ©

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