Category: Sex and Sexuality

What do you know about sex? What do you know about sexuality?
We hear about sex and sexuality almost every day on Femdom sites,but much of what we hear is inaccurate and can be confusing when the sexual basics aren’t covered. A basic understanding of sex and sexuality can help us sort out myth from fact and help us all enjoy our Femdom lives more. We are all sexual. We are sexual from the day we are born until the day we die. Our sexuality affects who we are and how we express ourselves as sexual beings.

Even though we spend our lifetimes as sexual beings, it’s normal to have many questions about sex and sexuality. And this is good because the more we know about sex and sexuality, the better we are able to take charge of our sex lives.
We hope these pages give you the information you need to better understand your own sexuality.

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Hidden Sex Organs

Most mammals, when mating, show an interest in the tail bone. For example – if you have one – try patting your cat just above the tail. We humans may have lost our tail, but we still have our tail bone. And that can bring a new dimension to your sex life.

In simple terms, your tail bone area is packed with hormone receptors and erotic pressure points. Working with it is a great way to spice up your sex life; not to mention a simple thing called lust.

Gentle, subtle stimulation

The trick is to very gently and subtly stimulate this unknown triangle of love. They work for both men and women and it provides very intens sexual responses.

You do not need any toys for that. Your fingernails will do just fine. Try “scratching” the skin whilst just barely touching the skin in small circular patterns or from top to bottom and back. Go slow and be as gentle as yo can. The more subtle, the better.

In case you do like to grab an erotic toy, go for a feather or a specific tickler (erotic boutiques and online erotic shops have hundreds of them). A piece of fur will also do the trick. I cannot stress this enough – go for a gentle “teasing” approach. And don’t give up – the longer the better. You’ll soon have your partner squirming and “wiggling his or her tail”.

And if you want to be a little kinky, why not try using an ice cube. By all means: have fun.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for the powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Help, My Spouse Is Into Kinky Sex!


Below is one of the questions people ask me often. The situation is one that is not uncommon when it comes to erotic power exchange: one of the partners wants it, the other doesn’t. Hopefully this question and answer will help others.

Although written for a Male in charge situation, we feel this is relevant if the sexes are reversed

The Question

“I am looking for information that might cover the troubles that crop up in a relationship, particularly in a marriage, when one partner reveals his/her tendencies towards BDSM. I am the vanilla spouse of a man who believes he is dominant. We have been married eight years, and until about two years ago, I had no clue he had such interests. We have done some experimentation since he “came out,” but I do not find any of it appealing at all. It’s possible that the circumstances of some of our encounters turned me off to it all, but trust me, the turn off is permanent.

I have read a ton of information on this issue, have read stories, have talked to both dom(me)s and subs, have talked with my husband, etc. I’m one of those poor dull saps who just doesn’t get it.

My husband and I have reached a point in our marriage where he has decided that he needs to shelve his BD notions. About a week ago, the issue was whether I was the stronger pull or BD was the stronger pull. When I began talking about taking some time off from the marriage to give him a chance to sort out his feelings (it’s tough being married for eight years and realizing that you might not be picked), he said, adamantly, that he would put aside his feelings for BDSM and focus on the marriage.

It seems that our options are: he shelves his desires; I try to figure out a way to play with him (not going to happen); we negotiate a way for him to seek another “play” partner (this makes me whoozy because I understand the emotional involvement necessary and don’t think I can cope); we split up and he pursues his needs without the baggage of a vanilla spouse (not a terribly happy solution considering I love this little guy).

My question is, how likely is it that these feelings will surface in the future and cause him more conflict? We have discussed the possibility of his finding a sub and having a “no sex” relationship with her. But a number of things are a problem with that possibility. No. 1, I believe that erotic power exchange, whether it involves intercourse or not, is a form of sex (in other words, I am terminally monogamous). I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself. No. 2, he doesn’t want to “soil” the marriage with his needs (would rather divorce than soil it, I suspect). No. 3, he can’t find a partner.

Anyway, if you know of any resources, people, articles, books, organizations, angels, fairy godmothers, ANYONE or ANYTHING that might help me come up with some answers on this, I would be so grateful that I would – well, I don’t know what. I’m at a point where I’m struggling issues of trust, betrayal (of self and spouse), fear, etc. I looked through your listing of books and articles and didn’t see anything that looked even remotely helpful.

I apologize for the intimate and personal tone of this e-mail, but I am rather desperate. We are about to seek counseling (ug! but it’s necessary), but something tells me that I will find no answers there, that the focus will be on why he is the way he is. I AM grateful to have found your website. The listing of stages is MOST enlightening.”

My answer

Thank you for bringing up the question, because it is one many people have problems with. Let us start with saying that erotic power exchange emotions are not likely to disappear. Although science still has not determined exactly what determines our sexual preferences, it is becoming apparent that at least a substantial part of it is genetically encoded. Your husband is obviously facing a huge personal problem (and as a result so are you) that is not an easy nut to crack. Even though he may probably try to shelf his emotions for now, they are very likely to pop up again in the future and it is not unlikely they will become stronger, since he may try to shelf his emotions; the basic feelings and the fantasies will still be there. That brings a lot of strain in your relationship, no doubt.

There is very little or no literature on this. It boils down to incompatibility of partners (which is not uncommon – with or without erotic power exchange).

Having said this, the situation is probably not completely hopeless. We’ll get to that in a minute. First however another warning. You are very right in saying that erotic power exchange (even without “the act”) is a form of sexuality, hence there is indeed no erotic power exchange without sex. Having a play partner outside the relationship is a form many find to cope with problems like these. Does that work? Usually not. There are a couple of risks involved in such a set up:

  • * the erotic power exchange will bring out feelings and emotions between the two playing. Emotions that weren’t there before – at least not in a “live” situation. The play partners are very likely to bond, the non-playing spouse will feel left out and the other will be torn between two different people he (as in this case) shares his emotions with;
  • * “play without sex” is what many people will suggest to start with. You can take our word for it that some sort of “active sex” will evolve soon, since the tension built up in active play requires a release AND builds up sexual needs;
  • * since erotic power exchange to most people are very dear, personal and treasured emotions, sharing them with someone will automatically lead to a special bond that will grow and things that should not be in there will also slip in, even if the play partners sincerely do not want that to happen.

Hence, unless you find a commercial play partner (prostitute, which in this case is very unlikely because there are very little sub-prostitutes) you pay for playing but do do build up any “relationship” with, the risks of such a solution are huge. And you are right, you would have to agreee to all this too and cope with it.

Now, to the question, is this hopeless? Probably not. Without even knowing about exactly what has happened between the two of you so far it is likely things have started on the wrong foot and your husband is asking too much. Even without the specific dominant/submissive dynamics there are very little women that will not be attracted to “exciting” eroticism and sexuality (even though you may have to accept yourself and your desires first). Mind you, we are not going to throw the “you are submissive but you don’t know that yet” routine on you, because that is nonsense.

However, do try and envisage the following situation: you are blindfolded (with something soft like silk) and all he does is carress you, arouse you, kiss you all over, maybe tickle you a bit and undertakes every effort to seduce you. No whips, no ropes and cuffs, no heavy leather stuff, just a blindfold, maybe a glass of wine, candle light, soft music, comfort, enjoyment and MOST IMPORTANTLY, no stress. Just pure and simple enjoyment. Chances are you’d like that very much and this IS an erotic power exchange setting where you leave it to him to work his butt off to seduce you, while he will be the one that has the initiative and these are exactly the dynamics that we are really talking about.

Something like the above – and please take out the strain and the stress, forget about being called slave, calling him master or anything, forget about the fact that this is erotic power exchange, just enjoy – might be pure and simple joy and fun. There are a lot of other simple ways to bring out the same eroticism. For example, allow him to “order” you to cook a wonderful candlelight dinner for the two of you. That will probably make a nice entree to pure enjoyment too.

The examples above are simple and very erotic and intimate forms of role play without all the heavy stuff and they – or other ways – may bring about a wonderful way to experience what you yourself like and what not. Letting him pick your clothes for a change, you doing simple things to please him and he being receptive to that and responding to it, all of that is erotic power exchange and that may appeal to him as well as to you without the heavy stuff. The idea is to learn and play and BOTH try and experiment with FUN things, without the stress, the need, etcetera.

Will this go further? Who is to say. That totally depends on the two of you. But do try. It isn’t as scary as it seems as you can see (or at least it doesn’t have to be). It offers both of you a possibility to explore, for him to learn and understand that the trick (in any erotic power exchange setting) is subtlety and NOT the heavy stuff (most of what you see is pornography and has little to do with the things people do in their homes).

By all means do talk about this, communicate and exchange what both of you can and can not do. That goes for you too and should be respected

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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BDSM and Media

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Media coverage is extremely important when it comes to the image the world has about any group in society. It may even be decisive. And as for any other group, this is true for the erotic power exchange world as well. Since erotic power exchange is attracting more interest in society, it is only logical the phenomena gets increased media coverage. In addition, the current trend – especially in audiovisual media – to try and cover more eroticism in general contributes extra to this trend.

Journalists trying to cover the subject are faced with various difficulties and complications – the most important being the complexity of the subject as well as the difficulty to find people who feel comfortable with talking about their most intimate emotions in mass media. Next to that, to an outsider it is not easy to understand the cultural differences within the group and the subject takes up quite a bit of research and/or pre-production time as well as space or air time to cover it in a more serious way.

“The scene” does not exist

Despite what general opinion would like people to believe, there is no such thing as “an EPE (or BDSM) scene”. Instead there are different cultures, different sexual preferences and most of all individuals and couples practicing or just fantasizing about power dynamics in an erotic setting. One of the main difficulties is that – as a result of the very individual determination of sexual behavior in general and with that erotic power exchange – it is extremely hard, if not entirely impossible to find common denominators. Hence talking to one or two people will only sketch THEIR views. These may be significantly different from others and are most certainly not THE views or opinions.

First of all, there are very distinct differences in culture, based on sexual preference. Homosexual EPE is very different in many aspects from its heterosexual equivalent. Homosexual men are – in their EPE-emotions – very different from homosexual women and within the heterosexual world the first main difference should be made between the Maledom/femsub (dominant man/submissive woman) and the Femdom(me)/malesub (dominant woman/submissive man) cultures. When concentrating on the heterosexual “world” only, one of the major differences is the fact that the Femdom(me) culture is dominated by women, who have made a profession out of their nature; a phenomena that is almost non-existent in the Maledom/femsub culture (although there are professional submissive women and -albeit extremely few – professional dominant men).

Most of the literature available is about homosexual erotic power exchange, where power dynamics are different, the culture is much outward oriented and – although this a dangerous generalization – generally speaking, more rough. In addition, there are many technical differences between homosexual and heterosexual EPE. Another very important consideration is that sexuality between members of the same sex is entirely different from sexuality between members of the opposite sex. Beyond these major variances, there are many other heterosexual-specific concerns, such as the fact that a heterosexual couple will usually be confronted with having to raise children. It is, therefore, impossible to rely on available literature when it comes to form an undistorted opinion on heterosexual erotic power exchange.

The image of erotic power exchange is, to a large extent, generated by both pornography on one end and one-sided, dysfunction-oriented clinical and scientific research. Hence the picture the media paint – for understandable reasons – is a picture very few erotic power exchange people would recognize. One of the main reasons for this sullied view of EPE is the fact that it is difficult for media to get people to talk about their emotions. The majority of people interviewed – since they are usually the only ones available – are people who are commercially active in the erotic power exchange world – predominantly dominatrixes. These people usually and again understandable, have a one-sided image. Professional EPE-activity is a commercial enterprise with the aim to make profit, not to express the person’s own feelings towards a partner. Since the vast majority of EPE-professionals are dominatrixes, they will attract a very specific type of person, in particular submissive men. Very few of the clients a professional dominatrix has, have an active erotic power exchange relationship with their partner. And, the professionals interviewed have an entirely different agenda. Their motive is not to give unprejudiced information about their subject. Their first objective is to attract (more) clients and the immediate second motive is to make sure they stand out from their colleagues.

A picture based on alternate motives

Unfortunately, the EPE image is predominantly influenced by several elements all of which have ulterior motives. Non of them have had or currently have the objective to communicate unprejudiced information. Let’s make an interesting list of the four most influential factors on the image of erotic power exchange:

Science

The majority of scientific publications on the subject originate from the psychological/psychiatric field. None of these publications deals with the power exchange between healthy, well-adjusted people, capable to make safe, sane, consensual, well-informed and conscious decisions. Instead, all these publications deal with people seeking help (usually from the author) and have been written primarily to advocate either one specific opinion or one specific treatment by one specific therapist. Unfortunately, there is no broad, large scale research available on the phenomena of EPE. It is estimated that as much as 30 percent of the adult population has erotic power exchange fantasies and is (potentially) active in this area. The largest group that has ever been the subject of research is a group from approximately two hundred people from one country. This can hardly be called representative for the world-wide group, hence all conclusions should not be projected on the entire population. Unfortunately, this happens all too frequently.

Furthermore, much of the available scientific research available and quoted, is extremely outdated. This is especially true for politicians, legislators and lawyers in many countries, who will go back and cite research that is at least thirty or forty years old. Whereas no court or scientific body in the world would accept other (semi)medical data that old as a basis for judgment, when it comes to erotic power exchange this is still generally accepted.

Pornography and pseudo-experts

These two groups are mentioned in one header deliberately because pseudo-experts predominantly style themselves on the pictures painted by pornography, sometimes cleverly validating themselves and their views by misquoting scientists. Both pornography and pseudo-experts have only one objective: to sell as many books, articles, magazines or videos and CD’s as they possibly can. Erotic power exchange-related pornography is mainly sold to people who are NOT active in erotic power exchange. Much of what is sold is – unfortunately – quite often mistaken for information, especially by people who are new to the subject. The picture painted is not meant to give information, but instead, is meant to indulge fantasy. In these situations fantasy does not have to become reality, and when it comes to erotic power exchange, hardly ever does fully.

Media

Without making any judgments here, the media plays an important role in the image-building. Next to the difficulties sketched above – the fact that it is indeed extremely difficult to depict a clear image of EPE and the unintentional effect of dominatrixes – it is obvious that excess-oriented journalism does not help and, again, does not have the objective of communicating factual and independent information, but has the objective of selling copy as well as entertaining.

The “community” itself

Even though the various support groups put a lot of effort in trying to inform and educate, their efforts reflect the average lack of experience in mass communication as well as the variety of opinions that even the EPE community itself holds. None of the support groups, not even larger national groups like the USA National Leather Association, have any critical sway in the EPE community, compared to the number of people interested in the subject. This is again the result of both the variety of opinions held as well as the different cultures. Individual subgroups are only just finding out they have a different identity from other like-minded people. This is new and somewhat disturbing to many and it is difficult for groups as well as individuals to find and identify with a “new” identity.

These support groups are small. They do not have one-tenth of the budget, that scientists and especially pornography producers can use. There for it is a very uneven battle, trying to fight the misinformation with little more than a personal computer and a xerox-machine, when resources in the pornography industry are huge.

Finally, there are the well meant efforts of individuals, especially on the Internet, to try and build personal home pages that provide “information”. Such information is usually highly individual (and as such useful for identification purposes) and of little or no relevance for a more general informational approach.The bottom line is that the information/misinformation ratio is about 10:90. It is no wonder the image the outside world has is the wrong image; an image that has very little to do with the day-to-day practice of erotic power exchange.



©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Are “We” Different?

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It is actually amazing to see people – outsiders especially – struggle with the phenomenon of BDSM (erotic power exchange if you like). It is, however, just as amazing to see that “the community” seems to forget about the obvious, when it comes to explaining what it is we do.

First this. There is a difference between “defending” and “explaining”. And that, in itself, is a power ritual.

When operating from the “defending” position the defender de facto places him/herself in the underdog position and, through the act of defending, the defender implicitely agrees that he/she is being attacked and – again implicitly – acknowledges that there is a reason for this attack, no matter how futile this reason may be.

Coming form the “explaining” (teaching or informing, if you like) position, he/she who explains places him/herself in an entirely different position: as an equal in the power-situation or – especially in a teaching-situation – in an even more powerful position. Personally, I prefer the the explaining-position, when it comes to talking to outsiders about BDSM.

Back to the subject at hand.

BDSM is nothing but an explicit (magnified) form of power play between people. And not necessarily limited to the sexuality-issue. In fact, the sexual connotations are probably part of the power-instruments, partners/players have in a BDSM-situation. That is why it would be very helpful if any research on BDSM would be taken OUT of the sexuality corner and into the corner where it belongs: sociology and anthropology – i.e. the sciences of the human behavior patterns and cultures.

BDSM doesn’t belong (or at best only partially belongs) in the field dominated by therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors.

Why, you might ask.

Power dynamics are as normal (and essential) to the human race as eating, drinking, breathing and sleeping. In other words: without it, the human race just doesn’t function the way it does. And neither does any society, human or animal. Just look at a society of monkeys, or lions, or elephants, or starfish and you’ll see power patterns. Patterns that are different from the human ones, but still power patterns. And these power patterns (next to such things as feeding and hunting) almost always apply to sexuality as well. Makes sense, since from an evolutionary point of view reproduction is priority number one. Keeping the species alive and in tact is even more important than breathing or feeding. Evolution doesn’t care if you die – as long as make sure you have taken care of your offspring, so the species continues to exist.

Reproduction = sexuality = inherent power dynamics!

Overpowering is natural (and genetically encoded) and in principle evolution again doesn’t care about moral, legislation and other norms and values. It just cares about reproduction and adaption. And – quite frankly it doesn’t matter who (male or female) takes the initiative – one partner will make sure he or she gets what he/she wants from an evolutionary point of view. Which is: mixing strong genes with other strong genes.

Since adaptation for any species is just as important as reproduction (reproduction in itself is useless if the species doesn’t adapt as well) norms and values are important and as a result will probably become an important part of the lovemaking/reproduction RITUAL. And ritual is the key word in any power driven situation. Ritual and conventions.

Here we go. Laborers and employers have their own rituals, when it comes to playing out the power dynamics between them – for example to gain better wages. Of course everyone knows that strikes will eventually lead to negotiations and to an end-result. So if we know we’ll need to negotiate sooner or later, what’s the use of a strike or a demonstration? Well, that is the power ritual. And that power ritual is part of the power-dynamics. Much like a mating ritual, actually. Fight first, become friends afterward and find a solution. The ritual is needed to allow both sides to later explain they were the winner. To each other as well as to the ones they represent. And even more important: the entire powerplay was an effective method to show how much they CARE!

Similar power rituals exist in politics. They do not always seem to make sense, but at least you might argue that since they’ve been around for centuries, we (the human race) apparently need them. And again the “we are showing we care” argument is just as important as the ritualistic behavior towards each other.

Similar principles apply in schools, or in economic competition, or in the workplace, or ….. well, you name it. There is hardly any area in a human life where there are no power dynamics involved, one way or another. So power dynamics are part of the way we (the human race) behave. Hence it is no surprise power dynamics will also play a role in the sexuality between partners. And they do – even in a non-BDSM context.

So power rituals in a sexual context are nothing new and nothing special. Showing you have power in many cases means: you care!

Hence sexual power play doesn’t belong in the “therapist corner”. You need to eat, otherwise you can’t have sex. That doesn’t turn food-science into an area for sexologists and therapists. You need to work in order to stay alive (and actually your economical success has a huge influence on your ability to mate). That doesn’t make economics the area area of psychologists.

In other words: power behavior is normal human behavior and power behavior in (or with) a sexual context is no different.

Next question: is magnifying the power dynamics in a sexual context any different from other power situations?

By designing a system where – and not only for practical reasons – we elect people to represent our interests when it comes to shaping and controlling the general society, the human race implicitly acknowledges that politics is a profession (although many might argue they’re not) and that an explicit power system is useful. If not, why do we need elections and (probably more importantly) “winners”? Why do we need different ideologies when we could just as well design a system, based on the concept on what is needed and reasonable? One answer is that the human race again needs to be able to see these power struggles going on and as a result identify with the winner of the battle.

The economy simple does not work without competition, although it would probably make a lot more sense to simply share what we have and – as a planet – work together to preserve the planet and grow what we need.

Still, life doesn’t work that way. An important part of marketing is that people want to share the success (of a brand or a product) in order to be able to identify with it. Again we need winners – someone or something with a strong power appeal.

And then we’re not even talking about the appeal of sports!

Not everyone wants to be part of a “power circle”. Not everyone becomes a politician, or a salesman, or an athlete. Some do. In sports, ahtletes are pretty useless without spectators.

In economics, products (and hence product-designers and marketeers) are useless without people buying them. And politicians are useless without the electorate.

So in any situation a small group magnifies the power-dynamics within that groups and plays and works with it. Hence, it only makes sense to expect a group of people to do the same in their lovemaking/sexuality. And yes, some do – they are “into BDSM”.

Apparently “we” are not much different.

But, there may be something else. “We” have things like fetishes, leather “uniforms” and power symbols such as whips.

Ritualistic behavior again is no different from other power situations. The powerful business world has its own symbols and rituals. Try entering a board-meeting in your jeans and T-shirt. No one will identify you are a powerful economical hotshot. However, dress sharp, buy an Armani suit, a tie, a cellphone, an attache-suitcase and an Audi or a Porsche and EVERYONE will recognize you as one. No different from leather trousers and a whip, I’d say.

A police uniform (among other things) is a symbol of power, so is the doctor’s white coat and the teacher’s jeans and sweater. Most members of any social group will tell you: “if you want to be one, look like one”. Show your colors. You don’t go to a baseball-match wearing your fishing outfit (and most certainly not wearing the colors of the club you do NOT support!).

Each social group – especially when it comes to the power dynamics within that group, has its own “fetishes” and rituals. Again, in sexual behavior things are no different. The “sexual power hotshots” (the BDSM-group) have their own. In principle, leather, whips and cuffs are no different from the Armani suit, the police-uniform and the baseball cap. Different in the way they look, but no different when it comes to function.

If the above is all true, is there any difference when it comes to “picking our battle grounds”, i.e. the “arena” where the power play is being exercised?

I’m afraid the answer again is: not really. Politics belong in their specific “houses”: the capitol, town hall, you name it. Legal battles belong in courthouses. Sports have their arenas and stadiums, the business world has its board and meeting rooms and BDSM has: its dungeons and the bedroom.

In other words: magnified power dynamics is nothing new, when it comes to general human behavior. And magnified power dynamics always require their specific environment, their specific rituals, behavior patterns, lingo, norms and values and fetishes and rituals.

So, no – “we” are no different. We’re actually very human.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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What Is Erotic Power Exchange?

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Erotic power exchange is any situation where partners, of their own free will and choice, actively and willfully incorporate the power element in their lovemaking (and usually for a great deal in their relationship). Erotic power exchange is best known as either BDSM, S&M, D/s or sadomasochism, but these terms are all too limited, incorrect and all too frequently confused with stereotypes and forms of mental illness, which is why we like to call it Erotic Power Exchange (EPE).

The Holistic Approach

Allow us to quickly explain our view and approach. Not in order to try and force you into any direction, but to explain where we are coming from, so you will have a better understanding about the way, this online educational facility has been set up.

Erotic power exchange is a situation that incorporates – or often even encloses – spirit, body and mind and as a result will have an effect on each of these three areas that, together, make up the human being. As a result, we try to approach each area of the art of erotic power exchange on each of these levels who – in order to create the wholeness of the human being – are equally important and all deserve their, individual, attention. Erotic power exchange can take any shape or form within a relationship. From little things like blindfolding her when making love to anything like 24 hours a day, 7 days a week servitude.

The shape and form it takes totally depends upon the fantasies, situation, preferences and boundaries of the partners involved. As long as it is informed consensual, safe, sane and voluntary it is called erotic power exchange. If any or all of these four elements are missing, it is called abuse.

Next, erotic power exchange requires a specific environment. Call it a biosphere, if you like. What it requires is a very sound, honest and sincere relationship, intense and open communication, trust, a lot of mutual understanding, an open mind, lots of love and care and a fair bit of creativity. Which does not mean the relationship necessarily has to be a long term one. Even within a one-night-stand or casual situation all these requirements must be there – albeit probably on a less intense level – to make things work.

People will often ask: what is wrong with straight sex? Why add things like power exchange. Well, there is nothing wrong with straight sex. But there are people – such as yourself – who want more out of their relationship. Maybe even more out of life. These are the people that will identify the power element, present in every relationship, and start to work with it, magnify it, play with it, explore and experiment. In every day life all of us have to deal with power. Your boss’ power or political power for example, but not all of us become bosses or politicians or even take an interest in management or politics. The same is true for power within the sexual/relational context. Some do, some don’t.

Giving away power to your partner can be an immense erotic sensation. Being tied up, relatively helpless and being launched by your partner into your own fantasies and dreams – some people call that sub space – can be thrilling, relaxing and revealing at the same time. Pain, tickling and all sorts of other impulses – when administered with care and skill – can pump up your endorphins, giving you the same sensation sports people will sometimes feel. On the other hand, the dominant partner will feel the adrenaline and serotonine flow freely through his or her body, giving them a very powerful feeling and very intense and caring emotion at the same time. No, the people that do it don’t need the power element to be able to have an orgasm or an interesting and rewarding relationship, but yes, they do need the power element to be present and used in their relationship.

An umbrella for lots of different things

Erotic power exchange is a very individual, personal experience. That is why it is very hard to describe what it is exactly. The only element all these people – and that includes you – have in common is the fact that – for their own individual reasons – they are fascinated by the power element in a sexual/relational context. What they do, how they do it and why may be completely different things. Erotic power exchange is an umbrella argument. One couple may fill it in as tying her up in bed, another may be fascinated by the idea of a “strange” man walking into the bedroom capturing her and a third may have a relationship where he serves her in any aspect. Many others will look for the spiritual and personal growths, this may bring about. Others are in it for the kink. All of that is quite all right, as long as it feels good for you and it brings you what you are looking for.

Erotic power exchange is like golf: it is highly individual, you are the master of your own game and you are also your own referee. It is entirely about what you want to do. You do not have to copy others. You do not even have to agree with what others do. It is your game, your thoughts, your emotions and your fantasies. It is what you and your (future) partner share. It is being able to explore the borders of your mind and imagination in a very safe environment.

To many people erotic power exchange is not just about sex, but a lifestyle. Most people that do it will recognize it as something very personal, something very much belonging to themselves. To many it is a way to express themselves.

A definition of Erotic Power Exchange

Probably the most dangerous thing to do is to try and come up with definitions of erotic power exchange. Usually this will lead to furious discussions. However, the POWERotics Internet discussion group (one of the largest in its kind) managed to agree on a definition that seems a workable one as well as one that a large group of (Maledom/femsub oriented) people can agree upon. This is the definition, agreed upon by this group, plus the relevant notes about it.

  • * Erotic power exchange is defined as: voluntary and informed consensual acts of power exchange between consenting adults.
  • Voluntary is defined as: not having received or being promised any – financial or non-financial – incentive or reward in order to try and coerce or force any of the partners involved into actions they would not consent to without such reward or incentive; not otherwise being forced or coerced (either through physical, mental, economical or social force or overpowering) into actions any of the partners involved otherwise would not consent to, of the own free will of all partners involved.
  • Informed consensual is defined as: partners involved – prior to the act – have chosen voluntary to enter into acts of erotic power exchange and all partners involved – to the best of their knowledge – have made a serious effort to establish all other partners involved have a reasonable level of understanding of both the activities, they consented to, as well as the potential consequences and risks of such activities.
  • Adults are defined as: of legal age in their area or country. Should such legal age be under 18 years of age, adult is defined as 18 years of age or older.All of the above may sound a little over the top to you – and in fact, to a certain extent we agree. However, it IS the first ever attempt to come up with a definition that is workable and that, although probably a little bit too “legal” for those inside the community, makes perfectly clear where the lines are drawn between consensual erotic power exchange on one end and abuse or outright sick or criminal behavior on the other

Stigma & Truth

There are all sorts of knockdowns on the subject of erotic power exchange around, all of them often used by legislators as well as others who oppose erotic power exchange. All of these are based on assumed psychological or psychiatric “knowledge” or “facts”. The fact of the matter is that none of these are actually true or proven. We have collected the most common ones around and compared them with the real facts.

“Once you start, you will want more and more”

This is what pseudo-experts will introduce as the “stepping stone theory”.

In other words, once you have tasted the effects of, for example, pain, you will want more and more of it and it will end in excessive behavior and addiction. In fact there is no “stepping stone theory” (the term originates from research into the causes of drug-addiction in the late 1960’s and by the way the theory didn’t work in that area either) as far as erotic power exchange is concerned.

Fact number two is this. Like almost anything about erotic power exchange, there is hardly any serious and published scientific research on this subject. Next, nearly all research commonly referred to as being about EPE has been research done in individual cases or extremely small groups. Any conclusions, based on such research, are not valid for the entire group for simple statistical and mathematical reasons only, if nothing else. Research has predominantly been done by psychiatrists and psychologists – into cases that almost all relate to direct questions for help or significant health-related problems. And the objective of almost all of these articles is to promote the therapy of that particular therapist. General sociological research in the area of erotic power exchange is rare and, if available, has been done predominantly in the gay community or with such small – and country or area specific – research groups that it is impossible to draw any general conclusions in a responsible way.

Fact number three is that the reality of erotic power exchange shows an entirely different picture. People who are into erotic power exchange will usually start to experiment with it and in this experimental phase will usually want to explore all possibilities. As time progresses their emotions will settle down, pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and their wants and needs – once explored and identified – will settle down to the level that usually corresponds with the fantasies people originally had.

“The need to go into power exchange always hides a traumatic experience”

This knockdown is based on Freud who, as we all know, tried to explore the relationship between all sorts of human behavior – not only the sexual behavior – and (early) childhood experiences. His method is called psycho-analysis and in modern psychology is considered outdated and largely irrelevant. Although it is a fact that some people who are into erotic power exchange have a history of abuse or childhood trauma, a general connection has never been established. What may be true in individual cases most certainly is not true as a general argument. What research did establish is that there are no significant differences between the number of people with traumatic experiences in the erotic power exchange community than there are in any other group.

More recent research points to both genetic influences as well as to a creative and inquisitive mindset as factors that may be of influence to the development of erotic power exchange feelings and emotions. However, this research is far from finalized and in fact again is only limited to individual cases, like most of the scientific research done in this area.

Another – relatively new – area that may play a role is the influence of endorphins. Endorphins are hormones, natural opiates, produced by the body and commonly known as “emotion” amino acids. Different mixtures of different types of endorphins will create different emotions. Some of these mixtures are created as a result of fear, stress and pain. What role they play when it comes to the development of erotic power exchange emotions is yet unknown.

“The need for power exchange points to a stern upbringing”

Again a “semi-Freudian” misconception and based on one case of one man, researched and published about by Freud.

The fact of the matter is that most of the people who are into erotic power exchange have had a perfectly normal youth and upbringing and the majority come from families where sexuality was a subject that could be discussed freely and openly. Again there may be individual cases where people had a stern – or sometimes very religious – upbringing but whether or not there are any connections between upbringing and erotic power exchange emotions in general is yet to be determined and probably very unlikely as far as the development of the emotions as such is concerned.

“People into erotic power exchange can not find full sexual satisfaction in other ways”

This is an outright lie, based on research done in cases of excessive clinical sadism and masochism (i.e. the mental illnesses). It is true that the severe mental distortions usually described as sadism and masochism may (but not always do) show this type of behavior. Erotic power exchange, however, has nothing to do with mental distortions but with perfectly normal erotic/sexual behavior between perfectly normal, well-adjusted, responsible adults.

People into erotic power exchange will usually consider their feelings and emotions important and will identify erotic power exchange as a lifestyle, but that does not mean they have a compulsive need. The lack of compulsive behavior in fact is what separates erotic power exchange from clinical sadists and masochists.

In fact in many cases people will identify their erotic power exchange emotions as entirely different from sexual emotions or – for example – an orgasm.

“Dominant men are just male chauvinists”

The fact of the matter is that the majority of dominant men are very caring, loving and open minded people – as are most dominant women by the way. The position of the dominant in erotic power exchange by definition requires a lot of understanding, caring, trust and most of all a great interest in the wants and needs and emotions of the submissive partner. What to the outsider may seem a very strict, direct, powerful and maybe sometimes somewhat aggressive looking macho man in fact is only role play, using symbols and role behavior but underneath is almost always a very caring person. The average submissive partner, when asked, will usually describe the dom as understanding – generally knowing more about his submissive partner than (s)he does (or did) him or herself – supportive, careful, loving and protective.

“Submissive women betray the movement for women’s rights”

Being submissive and allowing these emotions to come out is a very self-confident statement and decision as well as a difficult and scary process. Submissive women are usually very self aware and are making very conscious decisions about their submissiveness. They are anything but “doormats” and have – generally speaking – gone through a long process of identifying and accepting themselves as well as their submissive feelings and emotions.

Just as dominant erotic behavior is not an indication of general dominance, neither is submissiveness an indication that the (wo)men will display submissiveness in every day life. Usually they will be anything but submissive, although it is a fact that as long as submissive emotions have not settled down, submissive women especially sometimes may have trouble separating some of their submissive feelings from other things. The argument itself originates from hard line feminist activists who – predominantly out of fear for unwanted influence – try to separate women from other opinions than the ones such activists have.

“People who are dominant in every day life are submissive in bed and vice versa”

Sexual/erotic behavior is usually not an indication for any other form of social behavior, neither are there any proven links between the two. Dominants can have both dominant as well as non-dominant positions in every day life and the same goes for submissive’s. A female executive can be submissive in the bedroom, a male nurse can be dominant. The above statement is a classic example of stereotyping, mainly based on pornography and stories from prostitutes who – through indicating they have “socially important or significant customers” – in fact try to market their profession and often use arguments like these in a rather naive effort to gain more social acceptance and respect for their trade.

“Erotic power exchange is dangerous”

There are all sorts of stories around about accidents, that happened during erotic power exchange sessions. The most “famous” one around is the story about the man who – after cuffing his wife to the bed – climbed the nearest cupboard in an effort to jump on her, broke both his legs, fell into the locked closet and the couple had to wait for two days before help arrived. This story – like many others – is around in almost all countries and – like nearly all others – is a tall story. Of course, anything one does without sufficient knowledge can be risky or even dangerous. The truth of the matter is that safe, sane, voluntary and informed consensual erotic power exchange is perfectly safe, provided people know what they are doing.

Early Recollection

The vast majority (over 50 percent) of the people actively nurturing erotic power exchange emotions recollect fantasies about power role play at an early age, prior to their 18th birthday. Just about half of this group (in other words 25 percent of all BDSM-people) recollects having such fantasies before the age of twelve – quite frequently as early as six or seven.

Research by the POWERotics Foundation shows women usually recollect erotic power exchange fantasies and emotions earlier than men on average. Recollections of fantasies and emotions before the age of 12 for example are more frequent (24%) in the female group (men 16%). Very recent recollections, after their 18th birthday, are more frequent in the male group: 22% as opposed to only 5% in the female group.

There are no real differences when it comes to the importance of personal fantasies. Between 40 and 45 percent of both groups indicate that it have been these fantasies that triggered their erotic power exchange emotions. The same goes for the influence of books and general media on the development of such emotions. Around 20 percent of both groups indicate this as a trigger. There are, however, big differences when it comes to the influence of the Internet. Almost twice as many young women (15% opposed to 8%) name the Internet as a trigger of their emotions, whereas almost twice as many young men (11% versus 6%) say they have been influenced by pornography. It is important to notice however that the influence of both the Internet and pornography are only of minor influence, when compared to other triggers such as private fantasies and general media.

Young women in general consider erotic power exchange of a greater importance in their lives than young men. 53% of the young women consider it to be either a very important or the most important thing in their lives, whereas 44% of the men consider it important but have other priorities as well. Slightly more young men (12%) than women (10%) see erotic power exchange as just a kick.



©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm.He the chairman for the www.powerotics.com Foundation. This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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What is fetishism?

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Fetish

A fetish is an attribute, fabric, bodypart or situation that turns you on sexually. This can be anything and fetishes are different for different people. It can be a scent (such as perfume), hair, an attribute, clothing (high heels for example) or the sight of a man or woman on his or her knees.

leather clad Domme

Although it has somewhat of a negative connotation, fetishism is very normal and it is around all through everyday life. People who favor a specific brand (such as Nike) for clothing actually have a fetish. The entire fashion and cosmetics industry are largely based on the phenomenon.

Where does the word fetishism come from?

Fetish (sometimes also spelled as fetisj or fetich) originates from the Portugese word “fettiço”, which literally translates as “something made”. The word was used in the Middle Ages throughout Europe for “magic charm”, amulets brought by explorers from West-Africa, where they were known as “fettiche”. In antropolical terms a fetish is a religious symbol. As such the Christian cross can also be seen as a fetish.

Is fetishism a bad thing?

Thanks to Sigmund Freud (again) – who made the connection between sexual fetishes and “savages” – fetishism has been given a bad name for a long time, while in fact its origin is religious/spiritual symbolism. It is – however – quite normal and chances are literally everybody on the planet has at least one.

Why is fetishism so important in alternative lifestyles?

Some people have a different outlook on sexuality. Part of that is that they often have a sharp eye for detail and they will value such details highly. In that sense, for example, the scent of leather is a detail of leather clothing and gear. Attributes themselves are a detail of entire scenes. In this sense it is a symbol for something much bigger – an entire spectre of feelings, emotions, memories and fantasies.

What are the most common fetishes?

Blond hair, lingerie, leather, lace, latex and high heels are probably the most common fetishes. Another common ones are shaved bodyparts, such as the genital area. There is a wide variety of other “attractions”, such as ponytails, piercings, tattoos, school uniforms and white socks and gartherbelts.

Are there any hard to spot fetishes?

The most difficult thing to explain is the fact that there are people, with what is called an “attraction fetish”. This means they are attracted to but not really into and activity. For example, there are actually quite a few people who are not really into BDSM, but fascinated and turned on by the atmosphere.

Can fetishism be dangerous?

Anything that becomes an obsession can be dangerous. Fetishism by nature at least has an inherent risk of becoming an obsession. The most common risk is that people with a fetish become fanatics about it. This may easily lead to disputes and a lot of flaming, because people can become very touchy about the subject. This frequently happens in Internet chatrooms and on discussion lists and often – unfortunately – clouds discussions and exchange of ideas and opinions.

Can fetishism contribute to my erotics experience?

Fetishism – as explained – is largely symbolism and symbols play an important role in sexuality. Lingerie is an excellent example of how it can enhance your erotic experience. Other symbols – for example a piece or erotic art in your bedroom or dressing up and do some role play in the bedroom – can achieve the same thing. In this sense such symbols can help you to enhance the experience, for starters by acknowledging them.

One of the most obvious examples of how fetishes can be very popular in one lifestyle while largely irrelevant in another is foot worship, which is widely spread in the heterosexual mistress / submissive man culture, while virtually non-excistant in other lifestyles.

Can concepts be a fetish?

Actually, yes. One of the most vibrant examples of this are the many individual rituals, most BDSM couples have. These are usually very small and simple things, such as a specific gesture, a specific position, having to ask for certain things, etcetera. These rituals themselves are usually a turn on and as such a fetish.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm.He the chairman for the www.powerotics.com Foundation. This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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What is a sexually transmitted disease or STD?

safe sex banana with condom on it

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1.What is it?

Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) is the politically correct term for what used to be called “veneral disease (VD)”. These are diseases that are transmitted through or as the result of sexual activity (not just sexual intercourse).

There are no BDSM specific sexually transmitted diseases but like any other sexual activity BDSM activity CAN spread STDs.

Heterosexuals are a lot less STD aware than the homosexual world is, but they should be just as educated on the subject. As a result, the current risk groups for any STD are heterosexual women.

There are many different sexually transmitted diseases and certainly not all are directly related to the genital organs.

General information is freely and widely available from doctors, hospitals, first aid centers, pharmacies and of course on the Internet.

2. How does one get STD infected?

Some sexually transmitted diseases are viruses, others are caused by bacteria, some by plain and simple dirt. As a result, there are different ways, in which people can get STD infected. An important form of STD infection is the contact between bodily fluids (most importantly blood, sperm, vaginal fluids and mother milk). This is especially true the most lethal ones in the Western world: such as Hepatitis (around in different varieties) and HIV (Aids). As a result, contact with bodily fluids should be avoided by anyone who has more than one partner (even if that is only incidental) and partners who have not been solely together for MANY years (not months). Incubation time (the “lead” time before the actual infection shows itself), in the case of HIV for example may be as much as five to seven years.

Another well known cause of STD infection is lack of hygiene. In the BDSM world especially quite a lot of personal hygiene is neglected. Toys that have been on the floor or in a toy bag should not be used unless cleaned and – when brought into contact with the genital area – protected. One should wear latex gloves during penetration, especially when in a (more) public environment.

3. What do I do when I (think I) am STD infected?

There is only one answer: visit your doctor as soon as possible. Bear in mind that your doctor is not there to judge you, but to cure you. And yes, doctors have seen it all before and many times. If you feel troubled by having to go to your doctor, turn to a first aid center or a specific STD center if there is one in your area.

Every STD spreads like wildfire! They are among the most contagous diseases. In most cases if you are infected, you do not only have a responsibility to yourself, but also to your partner(s) and to an extent to you entire environment.

4. Can an STD be cured?

Some can, and some cannot. There are no cures yet for HIV, hepatitis C and various forms of herpes, for example. HIV and hepatitis C are potentially lethal. So is syphylus, but there is a good cure for this disease.

5. Does an STD only affect me?

Every STD will affect you but most will also effect your partner and maybe others (such as unborn children) if not properly taken care of. Sometimes an STD can be the cause of dead babies or incurable medical problems. Some will not really effect the bearer, but will badly effect the partner and – for example – cause infertility (in males especially).

6. How do I protect myself against STD infection?

Your first line of defense is strict personal hygiene. Wear latex gloves and use condoms, also on penetrating toys, such as dildos and vibrators. Regularly clean equipment and – for example – wash bondage ropes.

The second important line of defense is to educate yourself. Again, know what the risks are and avoid them.

7. Does an STD spread quicker, because of BDSM activity?

The BDSM community is very open. It is not unusual to temporarily exchange partners, people switch partners frequently and such things as BDSM parties open an easy risk for infection. Besides, BDSM activity implies much more physical contact than most other forms of sexual behavior and there is the frequent use of toys and equipment. So, there indeed are more opportunities for infection, compared to a standard vanilla relationship. As a result – although no real research has been done in this area – there should be a higher risk of spreading an STD.

8. What BDSM activities are likely to spread an STD?

All forms of penetration, genital or by means of toys, fingers, fists or the mouth are activities that can transmit an STD. In terms of BDSM there are also other activities. Whipping may occasionally cause small superficial skin wounds and any breakage of the skin is a serious crack in the bodies main line of defense against diseases, including many STDs. Bondage ropes, used in the genital area, are a well known vehicle for sexually transmitted diseases and so are internal toys (vibrators, dildos, Ben Wah balls, vibrating eggs, etcetera). Nipple clamps may also cause small skin wounds. In general, BDSM activity is much more physically intens and physically demanding than most other forms of sexual activity. As a result, you should be more careful.

9. Why do governmental and health organisation hardly ever mention BDSM-acitivity in their STD information?

Most forms of what is generally known as “alternative sexuality” (such as BDSM) are overlooked by governmental and health organisations, when it comes to information and education about STD risks. The reason for this is largely in the fact that such organisations simply will not believe there are that many practitioners and that such organisations have no clue about BDSM. “Alternative sexuality” in the entire education of health care professionals usually takes up as much space (and attention) as ONE PAGE IN ONE BOOK! That is, if alternative sexuality is being mentioned at all!

10. How can I help to inform people about STD risks?

If you happen to be active in a local BDSM community, or for example have a personal website about BDSM, try and devote some time and space to sexually transmitted diseases occasionally. For example, next to workshops about flogging, bondage or needle play, a workshop about STD prevention will be very helpful. But, since this is not a popular subject you may also want to settle for having leaflets available, writing something in your magazine or newsletter if you have one and putting information on websites.

Further reading:
Safe sex practices – Safe sex practice
Unsafe sex practices – Unsafe Femdom practices


©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He the chairman for the powererotics.com Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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What is BDSM?

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Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) is any situation where people – of their own free will and choice – magnify the personal power elements between them and act this out for their pleasure. This may be sexual pleasure, but it does not always have to be.

2. Are there different forms of BDSM?

Yes there are many different forms of BDSM. The two main forms are these:

  • Lifestyle BDSM – This is the form where partners embed BDSM elements in their relationship in some way.
  • Kink or fetish BDSM – This is the form where people, occasionally, seek to use power elements, predominantly for their sexual pleasure, without turning it into a lifestyle.

One is not more important, or more real, than the other. The two forms are just different. Quite often people grow from “kink” to “lifestyle”

3. Is BDSM abnormal?

There are power elements in all forms of human behavior: at work, at home, in politics, in sports and in (sexual) relationships. Magnifying the power element in your relationship is not abnormal. The current opinion among professionals (laid down in various diagnostic manuals, such as the American Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) is that consensual power exchange between informed and well-adjusted adults is normal and harmless (sexual) behavior.

4. What “causes” BDSM feelings?

It is not entirely clear to science, why some people are attracted to BDSM and others are not. It appears that genetic encoding may have something to do with this and it may also be that upbringing, social environment and education may have an influence. Fact of the matter is that the jury is still out on this one and that we simply do not know the answer. Based on research by for example the Kinsey Institute, Cosmopolitan, Time Magazine and several European universities and other sources it is estimated that between 15 and 30 percent of the adult Western population nurtures some form of BDSM emotions.

5. Why is there such a social stigma on BDSM?

A significant part of the general public opinion on BDSM is based on very outdated information, such the over 100 years old “Psychopatia Sexualis” (written by R. von Kraft-Ebing at the end of the 19th century) and research by S. Freud in the early 20th century. Also, xenophobia (fear of the unknown) plays an important role when it comes to the general opinion about BDSM and so does ill-informed coverage of the subject by excess-oriented media. Lack of reliable, dilligent scientific research on the subject also plays a part in this. Most research was done by therapists, seeking to promote themselves or their “therapy” rather than thoroughly researching the phenomena as such.

6. I hear people who are very dominant in real life are actually submissive in bed. Is this true?

The fairy tale about high profile politicians or managers seeking to be submissive in bed originates from prostitutes (“commercial mistresses”) trying to promote their services. Fact of the matter is that there is no proven connection between general social behavior and sexual behavior. Sexual behavior is a very individual thing, hence very different for individual people.

7. Are people with a BDSM-inclination not actually all victims of childhood trauma or abuse?

Scientific research has taught us that the number of people with a (juvenile or other) traumatic background is not greater nor smaller than it is in any other social group. One will find trauma victims in every social group. Having said that, the general level of tolerance within the “BDSM group” allows for more discussion about such subjects and the “BDSM community” is one of the very few social groups that actually and actively sets up help and support facilities for such cases. There is no reason why people with a trauma history should not enter into BDSM-activity, provided they seek professional help and – on a personal level – deal with the trauma FIRST and OUTSIDE a BDSM-situation.

8. At what age do BDSM-emotions emerge?

About 25 percent of the “BDSM population” (according to research by the POWERotics Foundation) has nurtured BDSM-like emotions from a very young age. Often, this group can remember being fascinated by power situations before the age of 12. Many others however “discover” their BDSM-preference at a much later stage, most often after dramatic events in their personal life, such as a divorce. The reason for this probably is in the fact that such events causes people to think about themselves, their personalities, preferences and needs.

9. Why are many people so secretive about their BDSM emotions?

Regardless the subject: it is not easy to have to tell the world you are “different”. This is true for everyone, who nurtures emotions, feelings or ideals that do not coinside with their social environment. People, brought up in a business-environment, will often have a hard time telling their parents and friends they would rather be a painter or an actress, for example. Gay people face a similar problem and so do democrats who came from a traditional republican nest. The phenomena is known as “coming out (of the closet)” (telling your environment you are different) and that is a difficult process that requires a lot of juggling between defending and explaining yourself to a probably unwilling audience. People with a BDSM-inclination face the same problem. Quite often this even leads to a situation where people – regretfully – are too scared to even tell their partner about their emotions.

10. If so many people nurture these feelings at young age, why is there so little information available for them?

Much – unfortunately – depends on the country you were born in. Fact is that in most countries sexual education in general leaves much to be desired. World wide research has shown that as much as 70 percent of the population picks up their sexual information “from the street” (i.e. friends, pornography, excess-oriented media, etcetera) and are not or very poorly educated by their parents or school. The current political climate – with very superficial and ill-informed opinions about sexuality – makes it hard for organisations to set up proper information programs in many countries. The other problem is that not everyone, who (temporarily) may nurture BDSM-like emotions during puberty and adolescence, eventually develops a persistent interest in BDSM, since much of this has to do with the more general sexual experimental phase, everyone goes through at young age. It is very important youngsters follow their own path, without too many outside influences. This forms a dilemma for organisations, seeking to provide information

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm.He the chairman for the www.powerotics.com Foundation. This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Sadorexia

In the Internet age it first of all needs a catchy name to become popular. Well it has. “Sadorexia” is the latest trend in alternative sexuality and it may be a very dangerous one.

The name comes from a combination of the words “sadomaschism” and “anorexia nervosa” (the eating disorder) and was first coined recently in Spanish Internet discussion groups. What is means is requiring your partner to either loose or gain weight excessively.

While physical fitness programmes, body alteration or modification and out of the ordinary requirements are nothing new to the kinky world, “sadorexia” may become a very dangerous trend. Possibly just as dangerous as erotic strangulation and (auto)asphynxiation. These latter two have already taken their toll over the last ten to fifteen years.

Popularity

Excess-oriented kinky trends – especially as a result of the Internet – spread like wildfire and this one doesn’t even spread within the kinky community only. Would you believe there even are pro-anorexia Internet sites and weblogs, promoting excessive loss of bodyweight.

And no, such trends are anything but new. Only a few years ago the gay-world especially was shocked by a thing called “barebacking”: deliberately taking the risk of getting infected with a sexually transmitted disease, including HIV.

With bodyweight being a trend in mainstream media in general, experts already feared it would be only an matter of time before “weight games” would make it to the bedroom. And guess what, they did. General attention usually makes the subject popular for use in other areas.

What is it?

In simple terms: sadorexia is deliberately slimming or fattening your partner – either as a form of erotic punishment or simply to suit personal preferences. And not just a few pounds, but fifty, sixty, seventy pounds or more, thus creating serious overweight or underweight.

Such schemes may very well involve things like forced feeding or deliberate starvation and excessive use of drugs, such as fat burners or steroids.

And there are numerous risks – the most obvious ones being the actual creation of a disorder or serious bodily harm. While there are currently no known reports the arrival of the first dead body is probably only a matter of time.

As with all forms of what is called “edge play” (risk aware extreme sexual behavior, much like extreme sports) the risk of course is in those, entering into it without risk-awareness and sufficient knowledge and understanding. And while the BDSM-community – in the best of its educational traditions – is already starting to set up information programmes they cannot compete or keep up with Internet trends.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm.He the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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Men Can Have Better Sex

Table of Contents

“Honey, it’s not a race!” That is what many women will tell their partner during – and especially AFTER – they have sex. And indeed it is not a race. Yet the question is if men can help it if they feel that sex – and especially the actual intercourse – is a physical achievement. Because if you’re a man, that is what it feels like.

And it happens for a very simple reason. Men are biologically programmed to do one thing as often and as good as they can: to fertilize as many females, as often as realistically possible. This is because that is what their genetic encoding tells them to do. It is the result of the survival of the species and this is what male mammals do. In fact, that is the prime task of any male species.

While we are not apes or rabbits, and much of this of course is socially unacceptable, that is what evolution has been grinding in for tens of thousands of years. And as much as a modern man doesn’t want to procreate non-stop, a large part of this – albeit redundant – genetic encoding is still very much there. And since it took so long to develop, expecting that the individual male will be able to erase it in one lifetime – or even in ten or twenty generations – is totally unrealistic.

Deep down inside – driven by reflexes and not by deliberate reasoning or by choice – men will only want one thing: get in and produce a powerful blast of sperm into the vagina – as far as possible and as much as possible. Again, that is their genetic duty. Their contribution to the survival of the species. For that reason the male orgasm largely feels like an explosion: pressure being built up until it nearly bursts and then he will give everything to blast it out as far as he can. His body will react just like that and will roll all his physical energy and musclepower into one tiny ball of semen and eject it, preferably with “rocket” force. (the reality requires that – although it feels very different – men actually do not exactly “shoot very far”. The best of us will manage only a few inches, but then, only half an inch is enough).

Additionally – his genetic reflexes will tell him to do all of this as quickly as possible while holding on to the female with all his strength, so the chances that the female will run and the sperm will not be used for its original design are minimal.

So, genetic encoding tells him: get it in RAPIDLY, get it in DEEP and DUMP THE PAYLOAD, no matter what the cost. The male sex hormones – driven by genetic encoding and cortex reflexes – will tell his body to do exactly that and nothing else. In that sense the human male – like any other male species – is much like a B52 bomber when it comes to sex.

The new gadget: sex for mutual fun

Evolutionary speaking, “sex for fun” is a relatively new gadget that has only been around for the last few thousand years of evolution. Ten minutes or so on the evolutionary clock. “Sex for mutual fun” – again in evolutionary terms – is something BRAND NEW, only discovered a few centuries ago. Hence – regardless how many generations have since passed – it is still something that is very much in the early adapting and learning stages.

Learning is FUN

We told you about the “female side” monkey. Here is one of its cousins: learning is a mutual thing. Men do not just have to learn about the female sexuality. BOTH still very much have to learn about the other.

In fact, learning about sex is largely a very new thing and poorly developed. Something that society in general hasn’t even fully adapted. We are still very much supposed to “know” about sex. It is not something you talk about openly and freely (just look at the constant attempts by various governments, religious fanatics and politicians to try and gag those, trying to talk about it freely, for example on the Internet). Which – for example – is why a country like the United States, when it comes to teen mothers, beats the average third world country in the negative sense of the word.

Experimenting, exploring, discovering is NOT WRONG, no matter what politicians or others may tell you. It is how we – the human race – learn. We’ve learned to identify what types of food are indeed food and which are poisonous by trial and error. Athletes learn by trying to experiment with their body and their abilities. Babies learn by feeling, trying and exploring. Sexuality is no different! And, exploring and learning is FUN. It should be. If it wasn’t we would never learn anything!

So, every time she says “Honey, it’s not a race!” you aren’t doing something wrong. Both of you are! Simply because BLAMING DOESN’T BELONG IN BED.

Communication is the lubricant and the tool that will help both of you (and we’ll come to talk about that). Through communication and exploration you’ll both find what is fun for both of you. And partners will need to teach each other.

Here is where we are touching on a specific difference between general sex and BDSM. In a BDSM context the power dynamics will be different. As a result, the submissive partner will expect the dominant to set the tone and the submissive will follow. That is usually not very helpful to the situation. BOTH partners – regardless the BDSM dynamics – will have to teach each other and dom/sub dynamics have a tendency to get in the way. Strict role behavior and the natural tendency of the submissive to try and please are likely to form a barrier, leaving one of the partners (partially) unfulfilled and blocking the road to growth. This is where a lot of uncertainties (for dominant partners) and self-blaming (for submissive partners) originates from.

The controlled rat race

So, if it is a rat race, what do you do to avoid it? You may have guessed – for starters you probably can’t avoid it. But …you can learn to control it and turn it into a well organized rat race that is fun for both.

Turning over and going to sleep

“When he’s done he turns over and falls asleep.” How often have men been confronted with that. And quite frankly, it is not only true, there is also very little he can do about it. The male orgasm is intense, physically intense; and the huge flows of adrenaline, combined with the sudden cut off of the tension and the physical release is what causes him to feel totally exhausted and he needs time to recuperate. Hence, it is NOT WRONG for a man to feel tired and sleepy immediately after an orgasm. It is what his body tells him to do.

Unfortunately, the female orgasm and the male orgasm do not develop at the same pace and as result, by the time the man is done the woman isn’t even half way done. And his fatigue – which to her seems to be lack of interest – is her biggest disappointment. As a result, what both of you need to learn is to get your timing right. Which is why introductory play – or foreplay – is so important. Maybe not to him, but most certainly to her.

Unfortunately, during sex the erected penis literally is a loaded barrel, ready to explode any time and the longer it is kept erected, the more likely the orgasm is to come instantly (quite often almost immediately upon penetrating the vagina). And not all men are capable to maintain an erection for a very long time.

A frequently asked question: why is it that nature hasn’t taken care of “in sync” orgasms for the male and female? The answer again is in genetics and evolution. If you are a woman, you may want to brace yourself for what is coming.

From the point of reproduction there is no need for a female orgasm. She doesn’t need one – at least not as an incentive. She is the passive half of the reproduction process and will be fertilized, orgasm or no orgasm. The man, however, is to be lured into wanting to deposit his seed – hence it should be fun, hence an incentive, hence the orgasm.

That is also why the female orgasm is different from the male. The male orgasm is largely a physical driven one (although fantasy does play an increasing role in the male orgasm) – the female is a mentally (fantasy and emotions/feeling) driven one. For women the concept of sex for fun is much older – simply because the only function of the female orgasm is FUN (in the sense that there is no biogenetical reason for it). So, as far as sex for fun is concerned, the men are several hundreds (maybe thousands) of years behind. They are – sad but very true – evolutionary speaking – still seed-machines. Very efficient machines, but …still.

That is not entirely true of course. Men too have discovered the sex for fun concept and quite a long time ago. Unfortunately, there are frequent conflicts between what his genetic duties tell his body to do and what his mind wants to do.

So what to do? Well, actually it isn’t that difficult. As opposed to widespread urban legends: MEN DO HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO HAVE MULTIPLE ORGASMS. Just not in the same way as their female partners. In other words, it isn’t a constant flow (the female “waves of orgasms”). Instead, he needs a bit of time in between before he can charge himself up again. And a simple way to do that is to make sure you eat a bit in between, preferably sugar or chocolate or a banana – anything that will give a quick energy boost. So – have an orgasm, grab a bite to eat (nothing can be more romantic), maybe have a glass of sweet wine and get ready for the next part of the session.

“Honey, was it good for you too?”

On to the the next monkey. Let’s face it, your genes don’t care if it was good for her or not. Your genes just tell you to dump the load, whether she likes that or not. The problem again is that what your genes tell you to do is not exactly socially acceptable and very likely not even what you want either. But then, genes don’t care about social conventions or other motives. They just care about reproduction.

Fact of the matter is that both the male and the female orgasm are VERY SELFISH EXPERIENCES. The orgasm is something for YOU, not for your partner. Neither can “share” the individual orgasm with the other, nor does anyone want to. At best – if you’re lucky – you can orgasm simultaniously. But that will still be two individuals, each in their own orgasmic trance.

Hence, the idea is to control the rat race by understanding and a bit of planning. But most of all by NOT WORRYING. Sex does not have to end in an orgasm for both and most certainly not in a simultaneous orgasm. And an orgasm (and especially an ejaculation [cumming]) has long ceased to be an obligation, regardless of what your genes would like you to believe. If either of you “didn’t make it”, that’s perfectly okay. In fact, women especially will often not mind, since the orgasm itself is only partially what sex is about to them. The intimacy, the cuddling, the whatever-else-she-likes will usually be much more important. And, in a BDSM-setting the orgasm will actually be much more of a release valve and not so much the goal of the entire thing.

Four hints for successful sex

  • 1. An orgasm is not a goal, the intimacy is. No orgasm is not a disaster – in fact, the orgasm, yours or hers, is nice to have but entirely unimportant (unless you are really planning to create offspring, in which case HIS ejaculation – which is not the same as an orgasm – IS important)
  • 2. Simultaneous orgasms are PURE LUCK – if it happens it is great, but the chances are 100 to 1 that it won’t, so don’t bother.
  • 3. The trick is in planning. There are many ways to achieve an orgasm. If you bring HER to an orgasm and masturbate to have your own later, that is perfectly okay, for example. As a man having an orgasm is easy, so the emphasis should be on her – it takes her longer to get there and it takes more effort. So if it is important to you both to have an orgasm during sex, make sure she gets there first. You can either “hop on the train when she’s close to the station” or have your own orgasm later.
  • 4. Take the stress out of your lovemaking. Stress is sex and libido killer number one. Stress at work, stress at home, stress in the relationship, financial stress AND stress because you feel your sex has to accomplish something are all very negative influences. Relaxation helps. Make it fun and take your time. Have a shower or even better a bath first (the Japanese have turned bathing into an artform in itself), go romantic, go kinky, go sexy, go exciting, but DO something to take your mind off the daily stress and worries. Creative sex, with regular changes and surprises, also improves your sexlife.



©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for poweroticsFoundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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