Canes have a sweet, sharp bite and are one of the most intense striking toys in BDSM Femdom. But most people would be surprised how easy and inexpensive they are to make. Here’s our process for making rattan canes. Although many people think canes are made out of bamboo, most BDSM folk use canes made from rattan. Bamboo can split into sharp splinters. Rattan is a reed that grows in China and Indonesia. It is relatively easy to find, because it is used to make furniture. Check your local Yellow Pages for furniture-making or caning supply stores. If you don’t have any nearby, you can order rattan over the Internet as well
canes
Traditional canes are made of rattan, a woody reed from the East Indies. It has a jointed stem that resembles bamboo, but is not hollow. Rattan is very tough and strong, and makes the most durable natural canes we know. Like bamboo, it comes in all sorts of diameters; traditional canes are about 8mm, but thicker and thinner ones are also useful. Rattan can sometimes be found at craft stores or Oriental basketwork shops. It is used to make wicker furniture, so a repairer of that might have a stock of it as well. Unfortunately, most of the cane-sized rattan that comes into this country (Australia) has been bent into coils, which warps and sometimes cracks it.
If you must deal with the coiled stuff, it should first be cut to length with a fine-toothed saw. Coping saws and hacksaws work well. A dressmaker’s tape is a handy way to measure along the coils. Obviously, you should discard cracked peices. Less obviously, your canes will be much more durable if the tip includes one of the joints of the stem. The convoluted grain in each joint resists splitting, as opposed to the very straight grain that runs for the foot or so between joints. A lot of the coiled rattan has been peeled and sanded, but the joints are still noticeable if you look and feel carefully. Cut the stem about a stem diameter to one side of the joint; this will become the tip of the cane. (The ends without joints included are fine for handles – the tips are what take the shock and strain.)
You can make the canes any length you like; People have different preferences when it comes to cane lengths. Remember that the longer the cane, the more whippy (and hard to control) I prefer 20-30 inches (50-80cm) as they are easier to aim and more convenient in close quarters. Long ones have more power, but can be awkward. The natural variations in your coil will probably give you several choices.
You can also cut the rattan to make double canes. A double cane is a length of rattan that has been bent back on itself, to make what looks something like a snowshoe frame or loop. These canes fit nicely onto a buttock, and are easier to transport. To make double canes, carefully bend the rattan back on itself, tie it in position, and soak it again. It may take multiple times of bending, tying, and soaking to get the shape you want. Don’t try to force the rattan to bend farther than it wants to, or you will end up with a kink–and not the good kind!
You can also bend just one end to make a shape similar to a walking or candy cane. We find this shape to be less practical, but some submissives strongly identify “cane” with this shape, so we always make a few of these. Rattan is sized via a number system. We find that sizes between 10 and 15 are most useful; to start with, I recommend ordering size 12, which is 3/8 inch or 9 mm in diameter. This will make a whippy cane with enough strength to stand up to fairly heavy use. Each tip needs to be rounded off; any kind of edge here will break skin far too easily. Coarse sandpaper works well, especially in a power sander of some kind. Hand sanding will also do, as will a fairly coarse metal file. Whatever you use, try for a smoothly rounded end. Now hand-sand the whole length of each cane with medium paper; try to remove the stray fibers you find sticking up from the wood. They are a nuisance during varnishing.
The cut pieces will have to be soaked and steamed to straighten them without breaking. We soak ours in the bathtub for a day or two, but any water will do. Don’t let them dry out. After soaking comes steaming and straightening. You will need some way of keeping the canes straight as they dry; we lay them in a series of grooves we routed into a plank, and then clamp another plank on top of them. You can also try shoving each one down a length of pipe; plastic water pipe won’t rust and stain the canes. (even come with screw on plastic caps)
When you have your straightening rig set up, boil a big kettle of water. Wrap the canes in a towel or two, lay them in the (drained) tub and pour some boiling water over them. Dose them every minute or so for a few minutes, and then unwrap them; the scalding will make them limp and easy to uncurl. (Dishwashing gloves help keep your fingers from scalding, too.) Quickly, before they can cool, bend them straight and put them in the jig. Put the jig in a dry place with good ventilation for five days Remove the canes and hang them up for air drying; we use clothespins/pegs on cords. Let the canes dry for a few days until they feel dry to the touch, but still whippy. The key to a useful, long-lasting cane is to preserve a bit of moisture inside. Once a cane is completely dried out, it will become brittle.
After a few days of air drying, brush them thoroughly with a coat marine varnish. Regular varnish is too stiff for canes–it tends to flake off after a while. Marine varnish is flexible and will completely seal the cane. Check boating supply stores or order it off the Web: Give each cane at least three coats; let each coat dry enough that you can sand off any lumps. Some newspapers on the floor under them will be a good ideas, since at least one of them will drip no matter how careful you are.
The handle end of each cane can be left as is, or a grip can be added for comfort or appearance. You can dip the handle ends in plastic tool dip – it will take several coats, and you can hang them from the same setup you used in the varnishing. The fumes of this stuff are truly nasty; be sure you have good ventilation. Less toxically, you can wrap the grips with cord or leather lacing, sew a scrap of leather or cloth around them, or cover them with tape. Bicycle handlebar tape makes a fine grip.
You can of course prepare other kinds of wooden rods this way – and avoid all the straightening hassle by picking ones that are straight to begin with. Bamboo is cheap and widely available, and also stiffer than rattan, which makes aiming easier. Bamboo, of course, is hollow and the tip must be made at a joint, just as described for rattan. Bamboo works fine for light to medium blows; heavy blows with it can be dangerous. Bamboo can split without warning, and the splits have edges like razors! Hardwood dowels from the hardware store can have the same problems. Avoid either of these materials for heavy canings.
Many other plants have canelike shoots. Forsythia is a very popular ornamental, and the older branches from the inside of the bush can make quite a reasonable cane. Prepare as you would rattan. They aren’t as durable, but the price is right, especially if rattan is hard to buy where you live. Apple trees develop suckers each year, especially upward from the top branches. These grow straight, to about the right length, and are pruned off in great numbers every year. They are quite tough and durable. The buds make rough little bumps along the shoot; they can be sanded off if they seem too harsh.
Some twigs, such as birch or willow, are fine for scenes but far too flexible to be considered or used as canes. Handling them is a whole different topic.
There are also synthetic canes, mostly plastics. Plastics are much denser than wood, so they hit harder and the stroke is more penetrating. They are very easy to clean, which is a good thing because the thinner ones break skin quite easily. There are shops in most large and medium cities that sell plastic supplies. There can be a confusing variety of materials there: Delrin, Lexan, and fiberglass are three kinds of rod that are tough enough to make good canes. Acrylic is not tough enough; I have broken several. If the clear look appeals to you, get Lexan. Sora, from San Francisco, makes some very nice Lexan canes, if you want to buy ready-made. If you prepare your own, you won’t need to varnish them, but be sure to remember to round and smooth the tip!
MissBitch & MissBonnie Hints and tips
we recently found a source of rattan by the devious method of trying the yellow pages. Now we where able to make 10 straight canes for the huge sum of $4.60. We think others in fairly large cities may well have equal success if they look, why fool around with dowels or garden stakes when the real thing is cheaper?
Indeed. When buying rattan, however, you can’t simply say, “Oh, I bought thirty feet, that means I can make ten canes!” Rattan has warps and knots and such in it. When we’re cutting canes, we probably discard about 50% of the raw material in order to get something that really balances well.
If you’re going to stain and varnish it – and there’s a lot of disagreement about whether canes should be coated – you can use pretty much any wood stain to stain it with. We finish ours with marine varnish, which takes a lot of work – it’s messy stuff, and it needs to dry overnight. Since we usually do about six coats of varnish, a cane isn’t exactly a quick-and-dirty toy for us. Polyurethane is much quicker because it’s fast-drying, but all polyurethane finishes have something of a tendency to flake, and this is really exacerbated when you’re dealing with a flexible cane. Be sure to have all your sanding done before you stain and varnish, and round the striking tip as well.
As noted before, marine varnish provides excellent sealing properties while maintaining flexibility. You will usually want to apply ‘at least’ two coats. We do each coat in two parts, so there is always a dry portion of the cane to attach the hanging string to. If you are only going to use the cane on one person, you can choose not to use varnish–but you will need to re-soak the cane frequently to maintain its moisture level. Varnishing seals in the moisture and provides a barrier to body fluids–rattan, as with all woods, is porous.
At this point, all you need is a willing submissive to try your new canes out on. Have fun!
Caning is the SM technique of consensually striking someone (most commonly on the buttocks) with a cane for mutual erotic pleasure. Canes are often used in Femdom play. Care should be taken to observe all appropriate safety precautions. Canes have a deserved reputation as The Victorian Terror Weapon. To most submissives, they mean severe punishment; to sensation-seeking S/M bottoms, overload. If we have care and patience, however, canes can be used in a loving and sensuous way. The very stiffness of a good cane, that makes a hard stroke so intense, allows the lightest taps to be given with perfect control. And a light cane stroke is easy to aim, unlike a flexible whip that sags and flops at low power. In the kind of sensuous play I’m describing here, light strokes are far more prevalent and important than heavy ones.
CARE
To keep canes healthy, once a year one should sand the tip, stand the cane in a vase of water overnight, and then revarnish the tip.
·One should be able to bring the cane down in a straight line.
·The cane should have three or more coats of varnish.
·Small diameter = sharp pain. Large diameter = thud.
CANING HINTS
·The bottom experiences two sensations with every stroke (nerves being compressed and then expanding). Thus, the strokes shouldn’t go too fast.
·Be sure the room isn’t too cold.
·Bottom should relax muscles in butt to avoid later lactic acid buildup causing a deep ache.
·It is difficult if not impossible to kill any Hepatitis pathogens on canes.
·Extra Zinc helps bruises heal.
·Avoid striking the tail bone and the back of the knee.
·Front of thighs can be caned.
·The fold between the buttocks and thighs is termed the “sulcus,” and can be quite painful when struck.
·A circular “fluffing” motion can be effective for rapid “warm-up” strokes.
·Backhanded strokes often land harder.
·Hitting and holding delays the second stage of pain.
The cane is one of the most important-and most intrinsically severe-of all instruments of punishment for punishments.
Canes are made from a variety of materials, with rattan being the most popular, due to its unique combination of light weight and extreme flexibility. They can also be made from malacca and bamboo-both unsuitable materials in my opinion, since malacca is too “knobbly” and bamboo is liable to splinter-and also from whalebone, a very severe form indeed of this instrument. And of course, ad hoc punishment ferrules can be shaped very easily from switches cut from any hedgerow-hazel, willow and young ash-plants all being suitable, though only the last-named will last for more than one punishment.
The standard cane is universally manufactured from rattan, and is typically supplied with one end already curled into the traditional handle. Lengths vary from about two feet (these are intended to be used across the knee on but I do not think this “punishment” can ever be effective) to about four feet. Canes longer than this will be difficult to control and aim properly and should be rejected (unless the caning is of the judicial type).
The weight of a cane is the important thing and here appearances may be deceptive. Rattan is a very light material and inexperienced governesses not appreciating this are liable to choose their canes on the slender side, reasoning that this will make the strokes more merciful. In fact the reverse is true: a slim, wand-like cane is crueler and more liable to cut. Thicker canes better combine the qualities of penetration and “spread”, and are less liable to break the skin. (I speak in this context of canings inflicted “on the bare”-if a boy retains his trousers you may use what cane you like.)
CANE USE
It is, as I have said, a severe instrument, and though versatile-it can be used to punish the hands and the clothed or unclothed bottom-the cane should be used with respect for its considerable powers of penetration. Wrongly used, it can be a vicious implement.
Applying the cane across the bare bottom is one way of observing the progress and effect of the punishment, and of checking one’s aim. Some males have tougher hides than others, but even a light caning of a few strokes will leave, in addition to the usual blush across the nether regions, intermittent evidence of the rod in the form of visible weals. If the strokes are administered at a slow pace-say, one every ten seconds-the caner has time to observe these marks begin to develop, and like a rifleman can correct her aim accordingly. All strokes should be delivered into as narrow a band as possible, and that area should correspond with the plumpest and best-padded part of the posterior.
Administering any sort of caning is a matter of some precision, the attainment of which is generally a matter of practice. In order to be effective at all, it must be administered with a minimum of real force.
CANING TECHNIQUES
I have spoken much already about this excellent implement so here I shall confine myself to observations concerning its use. The cane is a highly penetrating instrument of great potential severity, and care must be taken when administering it-so much is obvious. It is also lighter than it looks. But the important point is its extreme flexibility. During the quarter-second or so of flight, the instrument achieves a near semi circularity in shape. Although it may appears straight and even stiff (till it is moved), in practice it is more whip like. The arm and wrist motion is therefore a complex one. At the beginning of the stroke, the hand leads the tip of the cane; it continues to lead throughout the descent; only at the last moment, after the shortest of follow-throughs, does the wrist halt and reverse direction slightly so that the business end of the cane “catches up” at exactly the right angle to the posterior. The achievement of a good caning action is therefore a matter of some diligence and constant practice
Another precaution is to take one’s stance slightly to the left of the target-perhaps as much as a half-pace. This ensures that the tip of the cane, which travels faster than the rest of the instrument during the latter part of the flight, strikes the far buttock at precisely the same instant, and with the same force, as the rest of the cane makes contact with the near buttock. The result should be a perfect stripe across the broadest part of the bottom. This mark will immediately appear in white as you finish the stroke; then it will fade; to reappear (if it has been a severe stroke) within less than a minute as a thin welt.
I have spoken earlier about limits on the use of the cane. Feeble strokes merely tap the skin. Savage blows can cut it. Both are to be deplored. The result of a sound caning should be a welted bottom, certainly-if the behind is not vividly marked the punishment has been too mild and will be too rapidly forgotten-but not a scarified one. That is simple brutality.
The cane should hum or whistle in the stroke and fall across the target with a sharp snap, like a toy pistol. There should be a pause between strokes-say, a minimum of ten seconds.
Beware of canes that are too long. While a long cane whips-in satisfactorily, it is harder to control, and the stray six inches at the end may cause the further buttock to be punished more severely than the nearer. Standing well to the left of the target is one cure, but on the whole it is best to use a slightly shorter weapon, and to strike slightly harder.
When a culprit is bending over in the conventional position, do not make the mistake of shaping your stroke with too great a downwards component. The chances are you may hit the base of the spine, or the cane will fall at an awkward, grazing angle, or you may punish the upper half of the buttocks and leave the lower, more sensitive portion, unscathed. Take a horizontal or even slightly upwards aim, draw the cane back slowly within the same are, then whip the forearm and wrist smartly through from one side to the other, keeping your eyes on the exact spot you are aiming for. Do not look up from this spot until you have completed the stroke. If the buttocks have been bared beforehand, observe the mark and compare it to your point of aim; adjust the next stroke accordingly.
A traditional way of limiting the amount of force that may be applied is to tuck a large book-say, the Bible-under your punishing arm and retain it there throughout the caning. A little experimentation will shew that it is impossible to use the shoulder and upper arm muscles without letting the book fall. You are constrained to wrist and forearm, which is exactly as it should be. An even greater error is to be over-harsh. The difference between the lightest cut that may reasonably be given, and the severest, is not large; and if greater severity is required it is safer to increase the number of strokes, or to apply some additional measure, such as baring the bottom.
A single cane can deliver an entire symphony of sensation. A snappy blow that is pulled back a bit just before impact will emphasize surface sting. The same sort of blow carried past the moment of impact, with follow-through, will have much more thud and penetration.
The greatest intensity is delivered by the outer third or so of the cane’s length. This is the portion that leaves marks, in a hard blow. In a light blow, this part of the cane will have a relatively stingy feel. Closer to the top’s hand, the cane moves much more slowly, and the sensation will be more thuddy or even massage-like. This allows a good way of maintaining rhythm and atmosphere while giving some relief to a bottom who is showing signs of overload.
The very tip of a cane can be used on many targets that a full-length blow might harm, or be unable to even reach. Tip shots can work the inside of the sweet spot, the bottoms of the feet, the muscles between the spine and the shoulder blades. A traditional cane stroke in any of these areas would cross bony areas, causing bone bruises and pain that is not at all erotic; a hard one might chip bones or crush nerves, and cause truly harmful damage. DON’T try for these with any force until you are utterly sure of your aim! Lighter tip shots are much safer, and feel much like percussion massage.
SETUP
I prefer to have the bottom lying flat. When a person goes as deeply into bottom space as I hope to send them, the mere act of keeping their balance will be a distraction. Having them lie on a table is easiest on the top’s back in these long scenes; massage tables are ideal, and cafeteria-type tables are sturdy and about the right height. Arrange padding if the table doesn’t already have it; I usually bring a single-bed sheet and a roll of foam to parties and demos.
Second choice is ground level; on a mattress or futon, or the foam pad. Here the bottom will be laying prone and the top will sit or kneel beside them. On table or floor, it’s nice to have three or four feet clear on either side of the bottom, so that you can switch sides. Since the tip of the cane always hits the hardest, switching sides will help to keep the caning symmetrical. Also, it allows the top’s other hand to rove over a different part of the bottom’s body. From one side, you can stroke, massage, caress, and collect feedback from feet, legs, and buttocks, and play with their crotch if it’s that kind of scene. From the other, you caress their face, massage their back, grab hair or the back of their neck, play trust games with your finger between their teeth as you cane them…
A caning can be an awkward thing to deliver when the bottom is standing, especially if the top is taller. There is a strong tendency for strokes to land too high, on the bony upper half of the butt, when the bottom is standing up. Also, the sweet spot is hard to reach from this position. Going to one knee may help. Occasionally a play space may have a stage or platform of some kind, with bondage facilities near the edge of it. If you have the gear and knowhow to do it safely, suspension may also offer a way to get the bottom a foot or two higher.
I try to avoid the traditional bent positions for caning, where the recipient crouches or bends over a chair. For one thing, this stretched skin is much more sensitive. Victorian punishers wanted overload; for a sensuous caning we want to avoid it. For another, the tailbone comes up into harm’s way when one bends over, and a hard canestroke is quite capable of chipping it and inflicting a painful lifetime disability. Damaged tailbones don’t heal! There is a lot of perfectly good buttock area that is hard to work safely from these positions; when the bottom’s body is straight, much more of the tailbone is protected.
When in doubt, run your finger down the spine, all the way into the crack of their ass; you can feel how far the tailbone goes. Check this each time; the length varies surprisingly among different people.
WARMUP TECHNIQUE
The best precondition for a trip to Endorphin Heaven is for the bottom to be deeply relaxed, trusting, not anticipating the next stroke but rather accepting. Going too hard or too fast will drop them out of their bottom space (that warm, accepting state of trust) at just the time when you should be building it up. Their hindbrain will take charge, and its ancient survival reflexes will start screaming “We’re taking damage! Get us the hell out of here!” A good bottom wants the scene to go well, and will be working to control panic and nervousness. For this particular style of scene, the top must build the intensity so smoothly that the bottom is supported rather than challenged in their efforts to stay centered and accepting.
Of course, some people warm up much faster than others. “Smooth” is one thing; boring is quite another. In initial negotiations, I mention this, and if we are using the “traffic light” safewords I point out that “green” is also a color, and that they can always call for a speedup if they want one.
As we begin, I like to promise that I will escalate the intensity very gradually – something like “no stroke will be more than a third harder than I’ve already given you”. This helps them relax. You need to keep this promise, too; surprises will tense them up for a long while afterwards. Resist the temptation to tease them or fake them out, for the same reason.
I often begin with an ordinary massage. I explore the muscles of the back, buttocks, and legs, checking for tense spots and taking whatever time is needed to relax them and establish an expectation of pleasure from my touch. Massage is itself an endorphin releaser, and very non-threatening. When a bottom is new to this technique, their delighted surprise can relax them, build a lot of trust early on, and give them confidence that there are rewards to be had in exploring with you.
After achieving relaxation of any tense spots, do a little fingertip percussion on the muscled areas of the bottom’s body. (Fingertip percussion is what a pianist does to strike several close keys all at once.) The fingers of one or both hands are crooked, and struck down in to the target area. Work the upper back, to either side of the spine, this way for a while. Do the same to the lower part of the buttocks, and down the backs of the legs. This sort of sensation is a perfect bridge between massage and flagellation; it’s especially good for introducing beginners.
Now begin with the cane, tapping very lightly over the areas that had the percussion warmup. Don’t tap any bony areas; this is a good time to develop the habit of avoiding them. Use the cane tip to reach areas that have bone close alongside. The blows should have less force than your fingertips did; the cane is hard and stingy, and the idea is to introduce the cane without breaking the relaxed and trusting glow of your warmup. Along with ordinary light taps, mix in a few that are feather-light; with practice you can deliver a flutter as light as the landing of a flock of butterflies. This is a wonderful contrast to harder strokes; as endorphins build up such a light flutter will often bring on a fit of giggles.
As you work, do single taps, double taps, quick flutters of various intensities. Your goal here is twofold. You are trying to teach the bottom that they cannot predict your strokes, but that it doesn’t matter because they won’t be harmed. It is a non-verbal trust-building exercise.. Done with care, you can give the bottom that wonderful open acceptance of whatever happens, the key to the very best bottom space.
Another key to good bottom space is breathing. Deep, careful breathing controls panic, and this is vital as intensity builds. Panic is really the unpleasant portion of pain; take panic away and what’s left is just strong sensations. All kinds of wonderful things can be done with strong sensations…
If your bottom has ever done yoga, meditation, natural childbirth training, or anything like that, remind them that deep, slow breathing is important here, too. If they have never had such training, coach them as you go. If their breathing becomes short and choppy, ease up and remind them to relax and breathe deeply (unless they’re coming, of course; that’s to be encouraged, not interrupted with good advice!)
If your other hand keeps up a steady contact with caresses and massage, not only will it relax and comfort the bottom but you will be able to detect twitches, tension, or relaxation. Especially with bottoms who aren’t very verbal or vocal, this is the best feedback you can have.
If they are vocalizing, watch out for a sharp edge to their tone. It warns of gradually building tension – if you continue to hear it, something isn’t working, the bottom space is eroding. The muscles under your other hand should be more and more relaxed as the caning proceeds; if not, it’s also a sign that your buildup is not succeeding. This sign is apparent even in a silent bottom.
As you gradually build the intensity, one useful trick is to follow a harder blow with a quick light rain of flutter strokes, right into the same area. These will distract the bottom from any overload (within reason) and take them back to the bottom space that has just been successfully processing light stuff. However, the harder blow will have done its work of moving the whole scene to a slightly higher level.
FURTHER CANING TECHNIQUE
If your warm up has opened the way for more powerful strokes, care must be taken. Canes may seem stiff, but a hard stroke can bend them ninety degrees and more, and a wraparound with a cane can be downright dangerous. Wraps are most common when a top goes to full power, after a well-aimed series of warmup or measuring strokes. The problem is in the top’s body dynamics: the momentum of the arm goes up exponentially with increased speed, so the whole body is pulled forward as a heavier stroke is delivered. The full-power stroke automatically reaches several inches further than the lighter stroke that was supposed to “gauge the distance”. It’s physics; you can’t keep it from happening, any more than you can walk on the ceiling. What you can do is allow for it, and train yourself to compensate. You can ease your feet back a bit, or pull your elbow or shoulder back as part of the swing. Or you can do as Mistress Nan Burrows recommends, and take your aiming stroke so that the cane tip lands in the middle of the far cheek, no further. This aiming point will land a full-power stroke that safely spans the full width of the buttocks and no furtherf you do wish to play with harder strokes, practice! Learn to pay close attention to where your cane is landing; this is how you learn to correct your aim. Mistress Nan advises a lot of practice on a cushion. There is a certain kind of upholstery that shows the stroke, but each blow shakes the surface and erases the trace of the preceding blow. Perfect feedback! The upholstery looks to be a kind of heavy-duty velvet; check thrift stores.
When you are ready to try powerful strokes on a human partner, try putting a cushion or blanket roll on the far side of them. This will catch a wraparound harmlessly. Be sure to confine hard strokes to the buttocks below the tailbone and the upper half of the thighs.
CANING AND OTHER PLEASURES
Sexual connections: perhaps a quarter of women, and a very few men, can actually get orgasms from the cane. I think this is incredibly hot, and it makes me very jealous! There will be others who may not actually climax, but get extremely turned on, which can offer a pleasant answer to the question of “what do we do next?”
The shock waves made by a cane are directional – they tend to continue through the target in the general direction the cane was moving when it hit. In fact, if you slide a hand under your partner’s thigh or belly, you can feel the shock of a medium cane stroke go right through them. The “sweet spot” in the lower butt, to either side of the crack, is sweet for this reason; blows here can send waves up into a whole complex of muscles, nerves, and engorged tissue that is directly involved with sexual excitement. Many bottoms will enjoy a steady rhythm of light or medium blows on the sweet spot – especially if they are angled to send their shock waves up and forward. At least one lady I know has called the effect a “rattan vibrator”.
One good sign of this sexual connection is a face-down bottom whose hips begin to rise and fall in a steady rhythm. You might try matching that rhythm, with light or medium strokes. Or use your other hand to massage the nerve points around the pelvic dimples and to either side of the last few inches of the spine.
POWER AND ROLEPLAY
Often when I do this, the scene is “pure S/M”, sensation for sensation’s sake. No roleplay, and no more power exchange than a massage. The concern for smoothness, the bottom’s comfort and welfare, and cooperation is difficult to reconcile with many of the traditional roles and scenarios, where the top and bottom play as adversaries. However, there are a few roles possible wherein the person who hits you is not an enemy!
Mentor/Ritualist: The top is a trainer, preparing and coaching the bottom for some ritual ordeal. Or passing on the secrets of mind control, wherein pain becomes ecstasy. Or trying to send the bottom on an astral observation of whatever, or a spirit journey, etc. Comrade: Who is preparing an agent, or coaching a fellow prisoner, to resist/survive an interrogation. (Of course, the interrogation can follow later, with the top moving into a new role, or new tops coming in for that part.) Science Fiction: The aliens whose ship crashed think they can recharge the damaged drive crystals, but only by tapping the energy mobilized in what turns out to be this scene. Some of these may sound hokey, but roleplay always sounds hokey to anyone who is not motivated toward that particular scenario. Find a script that works for you, and suspension of disbelief will come much more easily. Also, endorphins can lead many bottoms into a profound submissive space. If you enjoy serious D/S or role play, you may find this endorphin-oriented warmup offers a startlingly good beginning to a more psychological sort of scene.
