Tag: cyber

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The New Social Media and Relationship

In the distant past, in a land not very far away, new lovers would meet in clubs and bars, campuses and offices. They would share passion in dorm rooms, apartments and hotels. When they were apart, they’d spill their feelings through long handwritten pages of prose, and talk for hours over miles of telephone wire. If love went wrong, they’d murmur goodbye with the glance of a kiss or shout good riddance over the angry slam of a door.

But that was then . . .

Here and now, lovers are likely to meet online, track each other on My Space, grow intimate in Second Life and share ideas through their blogs. An illicit affair might be discovered in email, the breakup occurring via text message or AIM. Today, when relationships like these go through transitions, their ups and downs become the emotional flotsam of virtual space; the drama of public consumption. What’s left of purely private pain is found in the grief of each ending. But even then, online support groups soothe the misery of pining alone.

The term “social networking” and “social media” encompass the myriad ways we’ve come to integrate blogs, wikis, podcasts, networking sites, text messages, video phone, tagging, RSS feeds and other not yet invented but eventually ubiquitous innovations into our daily lives. Just like our working life is framed by these technologies, our romantic life, too, is built around them. Whether they serve or somehow diminish our emotional intelligence is a reasonable question to ask, but not one we can yet answer. Only one thing is for sure: this brave new word of social media, now unleashed, won’t be stuffed back into the virtual Pandora’s Box from whence it came. As the distinction between virtual life and real life grows ever more blurred, our relationships are changing to match. Soon, whatever distinctions between cyber and real still exist may become invisible or irrelevant.

Consider how Elliot and Bree navigated their way out of a brief, but intense, extramarital affair. Both were married to others, with no intention of leaving their spouses, and they knew their romance wasn’t meant for the long haul. Yet they chose to fling themselves into the fire, promising that when the time came to douse the flames they’d do it bravely. It was no surprise to anyone who knew Bree or Elliot that, when that day came, “goodbye” was not so easy to say. Neither one of them was ready to cut off contact completely, yet they were wary of having an extended relationship, or even an email relationship that might be discovered. They arrived at a compromise that that reflected their unusual circumstances and the little miracles created by the times we live in: they set up a public blog. Their blog was deliberately available to anybody, in theory, but in practice, the blog was a place where they could journal and communicate without committing to anything more. It was the perfect bridge between worlds for them, something that wouldn’t have been possible just a few years ago.

Whether committing to a relationship or untangling one, many people are using social media to announce changes, marking their transitions with brevity and strong symbolism rather than discussion or argument. Why, just a tiny change to one’s online profile on any social networking site can tell a complex tale, send a message to the world and put one’s lover on notice that times are a-changin’. Despite the fact that a profile change doesn’t sound like a kind or definitive way to deliver news, such changes are frequently made with all the fanfare of a mouse click. Is it any wonder then, that these days men and women obsessively scan the profiles of people they date for indications of subtle shifts in attitude – like going from “in a relationship” to “single” or “it’s complicated”? Changes in one’s online presence can communicate mood and emotion in almost the same way that tone of voice or body language does, both offering clues that beg to be decoded.

Of course, these methods can backfire as easily as they can enable the winds of change. When Amilee decided that she’d had enough of her boyfriend’s raucous nights out with the boys, in a fit of frustration she decided to take a stand by updating her MySpace profile, changing her status from “in a relationship” to “single.” She wasn’t exactly ready to break up with Jeremy; she was, however, inclined to send out the equivalent of a smoke signal to the gods asking them to send along a prince instead of a toad. She knew Jeremy wasn’t on MySpace, so her effort was her own acknowledgment that she was ready for something/someone better. However, Amilee forgot to consider the fact that even if Jeremy didn’t scan profiles, his friends did. When Jeremy’s best friend’s girlfriend was browsing MySpace, she saw Amilee’s “single” notation and immediately told her boyfriend, who told Jeremy. At that point Jeremy cut off the relationship with a stinging public comment on Amilee’s page for all the world to see.

Some social network users feel that there is a protocol to employing social media as a romantic intermediary, but few people know what, exactly, that protocol is. It seems there are as many versions of protocol as there are users. Because the world of social networking is so new, the etiquette is unformed. Common sense doesn’t always apply there, any more than it does between bloggers or listserve participants, who are prone to cruelties of communication in text that they’d never consider expressing face to face. The bluntness of a profile indicator, a demotion in favored number status, or a sharp comment left in a fit of pique can pack a walloping emotional punch because it is precise, cutting and humiliating in public.

At the onset of relationships, social media has begun to have impact, too. It can announce to friends that a couple is taking their pattern of hook-ups to the next level – but a premature shift in status from “single” to “in a relationship” on the part of just one partner can provoke rumbles of anxiety if the other one wasn’t consulted and isn’t ready. If two people haven’t had “the talk” that clearly defines them as more than dates, a “relationship” announcement in black and white can suffocate, and may even send the undecided one running for a new playmate.

Of course, the very fact that relationships issues are not discussed – just announced in social-code – can bode poorly for a budding relationship. When MySpace or Facebook takes the place of genuine discussion, perhaps the symbolism applies to both partners, stating that neither is ready for a “real” relationship quite yet. And then there’s the matter of cell phones. What happens to a frequent chat /text habit between friends when one changes carriers and is no longer affordably accessible? When their 30 daily text messages start costing? Can the relationship stand the heat? Researchers show that cell phone connections enhance bonds between users, especially among those under 25 – and that the ability to free-connect to friends is the reason people choose one network over another. But if circumstances force a change, can the love survive? Does a Verizon networker have to choose between their friends and an iPhone (restricted to AT&T)?

With so much uncertain in the cyber-social sphere, at least one thing is guaranteed: relationships will be born and transition in and out of existence just as they always have. It’s the methods, the technologies, and the creativity with which they shape-shift that we need more time to fully comprehend. Of course, given the exponential speed with which social networks and the media that support them are changing, it’s most likely that just when we begin to understand the latest iteration, a whole new world will open up – and we’ll be back at the beginning all over again.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article Dr Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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On line Play

The Art of Flirting Online

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker:How to Transition from Online To Real Time I hear some version of this sad story nearly every day:

Online we were so good, so hot, it was easy to talk to and tease each other. I thought it would be just as good when we met, but instead it felt so awkward. We never recovered from that, and our online thing just petered out.

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker:How to Transition from Online To Real Time

Even if you’re sporting a well-developed persona online, it won’t necessarily transfer to RL. The reasons are varied, but the most important has to do with the fact that you are so much more relaxed and attentive behind the monitor. Your brain isn’t over-flowing with worries like “what does he think of me?” or “does she think I’m as phat as I think she is?” The boundary between cyber and RL is getting slimmer every day, but it’s still thick enough for cyberplay to continue being more protective of our egos than RL. In a relaxed and uninhibited state, it’s much easier to flirt. You can be fearless! And that’s the key right there. In real life, you become more of whoever you are when you’re afraid. That is, if you tend to be tongue-tied when afraid, or if you get overly talkative or more aggressive and confrontational, those qualities come to the forefront, hiding some of your most desirable aspects. In fact, they hide the very qualities that come across so well online.

To make matters worse, fear impedes your ability to control your body talk. When anxious, all your little quirks are exaggerated, and your capacity for strategy goes out the window. That may be your most serious handicap, because seductive body language is the secret to winning the game-set portion of any RL match.

Eighty percent of a first impression rests on how you move, stand, make eye contact, and express your interest nonverbally. Very little of the first impression comes from what you say. The tone of your voice – that is, the sound and cadence of it, not the words themselves – also weighs in. If your voice is weak and shallow, if your body is pulled back and stiff, or hyperactive and fidgety, you can blow things at hello. Why is this particularly important for social networkers to know? Your relationships online are based almost entirely on language use and its impact upon perception. You come alive to others through the words you use. Your body language, which could probably be best described as “slumped over the keyboard,” has little to do with the impression you make. Flirting in real life means honing a communication style in which social networkers tend to be least fluent. The anxiety and awkwardness you feel in RL is understandably a reflection of lack of comfort with your body and insufficient practice using it as your communicator.

Of course, the smarts that you play with online are as valuable in RL as anywhere in cyberspace – they just aren’t usually the meat of a first impression, nor are they sufficient to give you confidence as a bona fide flirt. To become comfortable in RL, new learning can’t develop inside your head or through an avatar; it requires actual practice. In that respect, flirting is a lot like dancing. You need to release fear and relax your body, while simultaneously paying attention to your movements. Yes, “relax and concentrate” sounds almost paradoxical – which is why, like dancing, flirting has to be practiced. You can’t head-trip your way to a successful flirting style – you have to do the physical deed over and over again until your body owns the experience.

Here are suggestions for flirt-worthy moves that you can practice daily with almost anybody. After you’ve mastered them, you’ll feel more confident and in charge of yourself when approaching someone whose response truly matters.

  • 1) Sit and stand straight; move with confidence. Proper posture really does matter a lot! Watch some of your favorite actors move with easy grace on screen and follow their lead. Don’t swivel or swagger; don’t over-do; just relax and move like you’re perfectly happy to share your billions of dollars and even greater wealth of heart. Remember that when you meet someone, the way you silently enter the room and sit down will be your first impression, and this can carry more weight than anything you do with your mouth open over the subsequent hour.
  • 2) Use your eyes to connect. The more intimate you want to be with someone, the broader your “zone of attention” can be. In business, you want to look primarily at the upper face as you “meet their eyes.” This term is a bit misleading though, because you don’t want to stare straight into someone’s eyes at all. Rather, shift your focus from eye to eye or take in their eyes and whole face simultaneously. When you are intimately interested in someone your zone of attention can become more encompassing, often taking in the most alluring bits: chest, shoulders, lips. Watching someone’s lips as they talk can be flirtatious and signal you are thinking thoughts about their mouth that go far beyond speech. In any social situation, though, you want to be looking at the person you’re talking with – never down at your hands, at the floor, over their shoulder, or around the room. This takes lots of practice, especially for social networkers who are adept multi-taskers. If your attention wanders easily to the newest incoming stimulus, you’ll need to put a strong rein on this habit.
  • 3) Shift your body subtly in the direction of the other person, as if they are the sun and you are a vine that grows toward the light. For instance, lean forward a little as the other person speaks; angle your body in their direction rather than away; cross your leg so that your toe is pointing at them.
  • 4) Mirror: Watch the other person’s body language and mirror their positive moves. If they take a sip of their drink and then lean forward, wait a moment and do something similar – but not necessarily an exact imitation. If they cross their leg in your direction, wait 40-60 seconds and do the same. Yes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In this case, you’re saying, “I like you” with your gestures and forming an unspoken connection.
  • 5) To increase the intensity of flirtation, use touch. As you’re speaking, emphasize a point by lightly touching the other’s arm or knee. Lean in when you’re laughing and touch them as if to underscore the joke. This will suggest a certain intimacy (unless it suggests drunkenness!) and might even be viewed as a come-on, so be judicious here. You don’t want to do this in business or with someone you aren’t interested in pursuing, unless you are close friends and touch comes naturally.
  • 6) Match your body talk and vocal tone. Again, pay attention to your favorite actors and actresses in roles where they seem to be flirting. Notice how body and the voice compliment one another. Watch a scene depicting flirtation in a foreign film, then turn off the subtitles (DVDs usually let you do this in set-up). Notice how vocal inflections and conversational melodies work with body language to signal sexual interest, even in the absence of understandable dialog. This just goes to show how little the actual words matter – quite unlike the online experience, where words transmit 98% of the message.
  • 7) If you’re a woman, touch yourself. (No…not like that!) Capturing someone’s attention can be as simple as imagining that you feel a cool breeze or a tickle on your skin and are “unconsciously” reacting by mirroring the sensation with your fingers. Practice running fingertips across your throat or the top of your chest; drag them over your shoulder and down the side of your arm. These moves can send an “innocently” sensual signal. You’ll want to save this tactic for when you’re deep into a conversation and avoid doing it more than once or twice. Like the act of sensually applying lipstick while someone watches – a no-no in polite company but ultra come-hither when flirting – self-touch can be a powerful move. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t want to pull the trigger on the big guns of flirtation unless you’re hankering for return fire.

Start practicing the art of body talk in situations where the outcome isn’t terribly important, and you’ll be surprised how soon these moves become second nature. Then your confidence will soar, along with your fluency as a RL flirt!

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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Recovering after a line is crossed

Recovering After an Erotic Line is crossed

The sexual imagination may know no limits, but the human body and psyche certainly do.

Your emotional and physical sensitivity can far exceed your conceptual ability to toy with novel erotic experiences.

When exploring fantasies, having a safeword is always wise. If something feels wrong, you can stop the action immediately with one well-timed syllable. But what happens when a safeword isn’t invoked quickly enough? If you’re on the receiving end of sensation (i.e. the “bottom”), what happens if your partner speeds past a limit faster than you can conjure the idea of “RED?” Or, if you’re the active player (i.e. the “top”), what do you do when a scene takes a downturn before you recognize the signs that it’s starting to tank? In the best cases, people learn the most from these situations, and use them to fuel their growth as players, lovers and partners. In the worst cases, self-doubt or blame becomes crippling to future play, or a promising relationship is poisoned by a careless transgression.

Is there any way to recover from a disastrous faux pas and regain your comfort? Absolutely! That is, if you’re willing to use the limit-breaking episode as a key lesson in your erotic education. Take Anne and Curt, for example:

Anne and Curt had been seeing each other for a few months, happily exploring fantasies of what we call “power exchange,” i.e., bondage, s/m, dominance and submission. Both had prior experience – but not of an identical type – which made them eager to try out activities that were new and a bit of a stretch for each of them. They were a great team until, in one moment of dramatic miscalculation, everything fell apart.

Curt was planning to surprise Anne with a new sensation: [[wax play|hot wax]] dribbled over her body, starting with her backside. He’d bound and blindfolded her, hoping to enhance the intensity of her excitement by blotting out distractions and amplifying her feelings of “helplessness.” But, Curt’s good intentions were lost on Anne. When the first unexpected dribble of liquid wax seared her bare bottom, she felt a hot pain so startling that, despite being tied wrists to ankles, she jettisoned her body across the room as far from Curt as she could get. “What the F—K!” she screamed, furious and sobbing.

Curt was mortified by her reaction. How could something he thought would excite her cause such terror instead? Anne was so shaken that it was a few minutes before she would even let Curt come close enough to untie her. How did this scene go so horribly wrong?

First, Curt had been careless. He had not only failed to discuss hot wax with Anne at any point in their prior negotiations, but he’d also failed to ensure that when he did use wax, it was initially merely warm – not so hot it could shock her system. Second, Anne didn’t know that she’d hate having hot wax poured on her body until Curt did it unexpectedly…and poorly. Being both blindfolded and bound increased the intensity of the experience and it also added a level of risk that, as it turned out, was probably excessive when paired with a new and precarious sensation. True, Anne might have loved both the feeling and the surprise. (Curt thought she would because his former girlfriend had.) But Anne was different than Curt’s ex – a different woman with different sensitivities and responses – and she was traumatized in a fraction of a second by a limit she didn’t know she possessed. From that point on, her willingness to trust Curt’s discretion was severely compromised – as it probably should have been.

The gift of experiences like this is that they tell you when you are moving too fast, going too far, and perhaps not paying sufficient attention to each other’s subtle signals. More accidents occur in the name of pacing than any other benign process. An unpleasant episode need not be a disaster, however, if it is seen as a call to focus on communicating in much greater detail, and to progress more slowly in areas of play where the edges are unknown.

The truth is that when you play with fire – and erotic adventures are fire – you will get burned from time to time. What happened between Anne and Curt can and will happen in various ways to everyone who is in the least bit sexually daring. Consider their story as a cautionary tale that should be factored into your every encounter. And remember that “safe, sane and consensual” is not an empty phrase, nor meant to impact only the farthest extremes of play. “Consensual” also means that anyone who plays with erotic energy should, by definition, consent to take responsibility for their part in what goes right and their part in what goes wrong.

Anne can regain her comfort zone most surely if she refuses to feel victimized by this experience and instead realizes that she could and should have put in place the kind of simple ground rules that would have prevented it, or at least ameliorated her shock. Since she hadn’t known Curt for long, it would have been wise for her to negotiate a “no surprises” rule. That is, before Curt tries something brand new, he should make sure that she is OK with it, at least in theory, and he should prepare her so that she is an involved participant. “No surprises” is, for some people, an operational necessity – for others, not so much; at least not until they are on the receiving end of a surprise they don’t like!

Curt needs to learn from his incautious preparation and reconsider his tendency to make faulty assumptions: If partner “A” likes something, surely partner “B” will, too. Not so. He’ll be a better play partner if he accepts that with new partners, baby-steps are better than giant leaps. Curt needs to promise Anne that before he adds a new twist to their play he will talk to her about what he has in mind. When someone has been scared or hurt, above all they need to feel a sense of partnership in each ensuing encounter, so that they can rebuild trust in their partner and – even more importantly – trust in their own ability to handle the emotional and physical fallout of their experiences.

Sometimes, when a scene goes bad, a confident bottom will brush it off as no big deal, while the top is scarred by the event. There are many more self-castigating tops than there are daredevil tops, and they need to be reminded that mistakes should not be grounds for relentless self-criticism. Learning to forgive yourself and move on may be one of the most precious lessons your fantasy life can teach.

Forgiving and forgetting comes most easily when you quickly operationalize the lessons of your experience. As kids, we’re told that if we fall off a bike or a horse, we need to get right back on. Well, a tumble during fantasy-play demands the same grit, whether you’re a top or bottom. Unless the activity is truly offensive, try the “bad” scene again – but do it very differently. Discuss every detail, read more about the activity, and practice it in shorter, softer bits. As a bottom, use a tier of safewords to slow things down and retain control. (“Yellow” or “mercy” is a way of saying “lighten up” without forcing the action to a halt.) Cooperate with one another. Check in often to see if your partner is OK. Remember you are not doing this just for thrills, but to replace the memory of a painful encounter with mental images of thoughtful, successful practice. And it’s fine if this doesn’t initially send you to the moon – after all, you’re just working out the kinks. In the end, the activity may be one you choose to scrap altogether, or you may find that it’s pure bliss once that all-important trust is in place again. Either way, you’ve turned an unpleasant faux pas into wisdom.

And that’s a good scene – whether or not it’s a hot one.

**About the Author:**

psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sx Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article: Dr. Davidson (c) CollarNcuffs.com

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online sexuality a place to grow

Every time there’s a new innovation in technology, people apply it to sexual expression. The printing press? Chaucer’s bawdy tales put English on the map. Photography? Brand-new “French” postcards made life in the Civil War bearable. Cars? That’s how lovers’ lanes started. Every such enhancement of sexuality appalls some observers, who predict a virulent outbreak of promiscuity and depravity that will destroy civilization. The video game now joins this distinguished history – both in its sexual applications, and in the fear these usages have inspired.

I spoke at the first annual Sex in Video Games conference in San Francisco in June. The conference covered various genres, from the poke-the-doll version played by solitary individuals, to the alternative universe version played simultaneously by hundreds of thousands of men and women. We can deride these computer games as a juvenile waste of time, but their usage is a fascinating window into human eroticism. For example, why does every large multi-player alternative reality game eventually evolve virtual prostitution? Why do so many players feel free to indulge in a wider level of sexual experimentation – and communication – than they do in “real life”?

Sooner or later, someone always worries that playing these games will seduce people into withdrawing from their real lives. While this isn’t an unreasonable concern, it frequently expresses prejudice. There is a stigma attached to online activity, negative assumptions about the activities and the players themselves. Uninformed critics – including psychotherapists – speculate about game-playing being a form of avoidance, leading to isolation, encouraging superficiality, and supporting psychological laziness. In other words, people who interact with others in online worlds are losers; instead of reading comics or shooting pool, losers now populate virtual worlds and online communities. This is a dual prejudice – about both sex and about online worlds. We could just as easily investigate how games facilitate enriched interactions, both online and in “real life.”

Assumptions that online sexuality is shallow betrays a simplistic (and rather common) view of sexuality. When asked, most adult men and women reveal that the emotional and psychological features of sexual experiences are their most compelling parts. That’s why people describe “foreplay” as more mental than physical preparation. That’s why most S/M involves words and symbols more than the application of whip to flesh. And that’s why so many people prefer lingerie to nudity – because it invites the imagination to participate in the looking. The popularity – and depth of experience – of online sexuality proves this once again. People who casually (or angrily, for some reason) condemn online sexual experiences as barren might as well pathologize people who would rather cuddle or kiss than have intercourse. Are those outercourse gourmets afraid of closeness? Anxious about performance? A more sophisticated observer might wonder, in contrast, if such people are more erotically focused, with a wider sexual vocabulary.

Many psychologists and marriage counselors are uncomfortable with “real world” sex, and even more so when the sex is online. Most professionals get virtually no training in the nuances of alternative sexuality – again, sex that honestly admits the enormous role of imagination, psychological experimentation, and self-acceptance – and so of course online sex can look barren or silly. It’s time that therapists (not to mention “morality” leaders) educated themselves about the complexity of human eroticism, rather than relying on simplistic dichotomies of “intimate and healthy” versus “perverse” or “addictive.”

If you spend a lot of time online, if some of your major relationship or sexual experiences are online, only you can decide whether your activity is more nurturing or more isolating. As in all sexual and relationship ventures, the first step is being honest with yourself.

About the Author:

Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for 25 years. He has aimed his entire career toward a single set of goals: telling the truth about sexuality, helping people feel sexually adequate & powerful, and supporting the healthy sexual expression and exploration of women and men.

Marty has written five books and over 100 articles on sexuality. His books have been acclaimed by everyone from USA Today to The California Therapist to the Playboy Advisor. He has also written and published 7 sets of training CDs for therapists. His wit and expertise make him a frequently-quoted expert appearing in Newsweek, USA Today, The New York Times, and even Ann Landers. A tireless speaker, Marty has given over 600 keynote speeches, training programs, and popular lectures to professional and lay groups across the country. He has also trained professionals in countries including Russia, Israel, Morocco, Latvia, Austria, Turkey, and Croatia.

Marty publishes Sexual Intelligence, the monthly online newsletter about culture, politics, the media, and sex. It goes to 5,000 subscribers and can be seen at www.SexualIntelligence.org. Known and respected by his colleagues, Marty has been honored by both the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality and the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists.

Article Dr. Marty Klein © CollarNcuffs.com

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Online Affairs

Table of Contents

Are They Real? Are they wrong?

late for work, Marie stops to give her husband, Hal, a quick peck on the cheek before making a dash for her car. She climbs into the driver’s seat, slams the door, and rummages in her purse for her Blackberry, hoping a message from Robert has finally come through. Nothing. Disappointed, she turns the key in the ignition and heads to the office, but throughout her commute she keeps stealing glances at her handheld. Finally, at her desk, Marie sees Robert’s name pop up in the mailbox on her computer screen. She glances at the clock…ten minutes before her meeting and three phone calls to juggle. But she devotes half that precious time to reading and responding to Robert’s email and then entirely loses the other half in a daydream about the two of them locked in a scorching embrace. Suddenly, a wave of anxiety engulfs her. She has played this mind-movie so many times while in bed with Hal that she feels guiltier than ever.

Sounds like Marie is having a secret affair that’s already affecting her marriage, doesn’t it? But, what if I told you that Robert and Marie have never met; that their entire relationship has been conducted online? Would you consider them in a “real relationship?” Would keeping it secret be wrong?

Before we draw any conclusions, why don’t we look at this story from another point of view:

Let’s say that Hal notices that Marie is not as attentive to him or as sexually responsive as she used to be. On a whim, he starts venturing into the virtual universe, Second Life, where he encounters “BootyGirl.” After a few weeks, Hal comes to think of his Second Life interludes with BootyGirl as a small island of pleasure, a soothing connection that appeases the isolation he feels at home. BootyGirl, with her curvy avatar sheathed in skintight latex, makes him feel desirable for the first time in years – even though their sexy hook-ups take place strictly on screen and in their minds.

Do you think that Hal’s activities constitute cheating? Is he doing anything “wrong?”

All of these questions are typical of those that internet sex-experts receive are asked about relationships. Yet, none of them can or should be answered easily, for they require us to think beyond classic notions of infidelity. Philosophically, these questions ask us to dissect the make-up of emotional experience and to contemplate where a “real” relationship takes place. Does it exist solely in our ordinary reality, in the touch-and-feel dimension alone? Or can relationships arise in that dream-like place where cyberspace, mind, and emotion intersect?

Emotion and Connection in the Virtual World

Today’s wireless universe is forcing us to rethink the old assumption that intimacy must be grounded in the physical world. As our lives expand to encompass both physical and virtual space, the nature of “relationship” is changing – therefore, the meaning of “betrayal” is changing, too.

Our infatuations and our romances draw their power from the life we live inside our heads. We could think of this as the “virtual space” of our minds. Our thoughts, imagination and memories can spark physiological and emotional responses that are as potent and “real” within our psyches and bodies as the caress of a lover’s hand, the timbre of his voice, the scent of her skin. An email conversation or a connection made in the multi-player gaming world may become as compelling as one made over cocktails or on the basketball court. Think of Marie’s anticipation over receiving an email from Robert; the distraction posed by her thoughts about him, her hopefulness…her guilt. Or ask yourself: would a rejection by an online friend that you’ve come to depend upon for advice and support feel painless just because that person’s “shoulder to cry on” is virtual?

All our relationships exist, to a vast degree, in our psyches. If intimacies that we develop in the cyber-universe and those we encounter in the tactile world all play out in the same “head-space” – if they can produce similar flights of fantasy and emotion – then, distinguishing an affair that ignites in Second Life from one that begins at the cozy inn down the road becomes increasingly difficult.

Further, the internet encourages us to stretch our sense of identity beyond the scope of our physical boundaries: we invest our attention in the varied onscreen windows that become our daily vistas, and we may develop multiple, parallel onscreen lives with separate names, personalities, even genders and ages. While this process does a great job of giving us new freedoms, it does a much poorer job of protecting our key face-to-face relationships from outside invasion. Online worlds and alter egos can filter into our ordinary lives quite easily – partly due to the boom in what MIT cyber-researcher, Sherry Turkle, calls our “always on/always on you” device culture.

Affairs in Our Wired Culture

To the extent that we are tethered to our cell phones, laptops and PDAs when we are out in public, we transform our public spaces into private enclaves. In airports, cafes, classes and meetings we can submerge ourselves in media bubbles, barely disturbed by others in proximity. Because these devices provide open channels to the world even when we are in our private domains, anyone from the outside can intrude almost at will upon our time and space, turning the private into the public. A husband can type explicit sexual messages to an online sweetheart while watching TV with the family. His wife can check her inbox for romantic email from her online crush while the kids are IM-ing their MySpace-buddies located halfway across the globe. With the once cherished demarcation between public space and private space irredeemably blurred, someone having an affair need not utter those classic words, “don’t call me at home.” Now, he can quietly inject his new amour into the family 24/7, with no one else the wiser.

Most therapists – actually, most people – agree that an illicit romance always jeopardizes a long-term relationship. Even if the affair is conducted discreetly, even if the lovers rarely see one another, the emotions that are conjured up by an affair can upset the delicate balance of focus, attention and affection needed to sustain a primary, long-term commitment. Recognizing that intimacy is perceived largely by the psyche explains why even an exclusively virtual affair can have so much power. The mind is, itself, a virtual world; one that the cyber-dimension mimics to a greater extent than it departs from. Absorption with a lover in these two virtual domains can be like the hard-hitting “one-two punch” that delivers a knock out blow. The online relationship that began as a “meaningless” adventure can seep into one’s psych and take possession of one’s heart.

Emotional Affairs vs. Sexual Affairs

In real life, with so much time spent at work among attractive, stimulating colleagues, emotionally intense (but nonsexual) relationships that arise between collaborators can seem more compelling than routine intimacies that include sex. Experts tag these “emotional affairs,” agreeing that they can endanger marriages because, at the very least, they siphon energy and communication away from the marriage and toward the “outsider.” At worst, these can lead to physical affairs or produce cruel fractures of trust. In fact, many people say that if their partner were to become emotionally unfaithful they’d feel even more ripped-off than if he or she had a sexy fling. Giving of one’s deepest self is viewed as a greater take-away than lending one’s genitals.

Popular magazines have recently devoted precious real estate to these emotional liaisons – take, for example, Marie Claire’s sensationalized headline, HEAD SEX: The Dangerous New Infidelity You Need To Know About. Ironically, “head sex” is exactly what drives virtual-life flirtations. Strange as it may seem to those who have never been tangled in the web, cyber-romances encourage the deepest intimate revelations and draw upon all the classic elements of drama to keep infatuation alive.

Online Affairs: Right or Wrong?

In the final analysis, there is no doubt that online affairs are meaningful; that they count. But are they wrong? This question misses the mark. Instead, we should be asking whether an online relationship is secret; whether it detracts from the closeness, shared time, trust and openness necessary for a primary relationship to thrive.

If it does, it’s trouble.

In partnerships or marriages where secrets and lies abound, stability and even love can be lost because those with secrets stop trusting themselves. It takes only one person to create distance for two, and only one to alter the essence and durability of a marriage. For all these reasons, online hook-ups need to be entertained with great caution. Better yet, they should be recognized for what they actually are: completely real and potentially life-changing affairs.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Joy Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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UPDATE 2022: Have you ever thought about introducing your partner to your Femdom interests? Many have and succeeded and discuss this regularly. You are far from alone. Why not join our Community and see how other have made Femdom fantasy into Femdom reality. We even have 100% free programs such as “Help, my husband wants me to his Mistress” and “Help me, find my Domme” “Femdom 101 for those just starting out.

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Negotiating Racial and Ethnic Differences Online

Online and off, we all try to put our best foot forward, emphasizing our good traits and downplaying the ones we consider less desirable. Different from face-to-face meetings, online we each decide what to disclose and what to keep to ourselves. Even with pics and cams, there is room to choose how to portray yourself to someone who can’t see you in real time until you’re ready to show them.

People naturally display flattering pictures of themselves (sometimes younger – less wrinkled, more hair, thinner), use backdrops, clothing color and even Photoshop to maximize skin tones, and crop and alter on their own behalf. In text, the many synonyms for attractive are commonplace online – good-looking, easy-on-the-eyes, hot, eye-catching, etc. You may also hear about wealth, profession and other traits considered desirable, including “whiteness.” The culture of personal ads seems to reflect the racial hierarchy offline – with people either preferring partners of their same race and ethnicity or someone white.

A 2003 study of personal ads on Yahoo! found that Black, Latino and Asian men were more likely to express a race preference for a partner than White men. Men looking for male partners were more likely to express their race preferences than men looking for female partners. Gay Black and Latino men were less likely to have a race preference than Asian or White gay men.

Whether a person mentions his preference of race for a potential partner in an online profile reflects his own sensitivity to race and ethnicity. You could argue that people who don’t mention race are actually race-blind in their selection of partners. But it may also be that they don’t understand racial dynamics and politics. Whether a person advertises “all races welcome” or “African-American woman preferred,” if he mentions race and ethnicity, he is someone who is aware that skin color has an effect on the development of intimate relationships in our society.

In the gay community, there is a strong feeling among black men in particular that they are subject to sexual objectification online. Men who look for black men online are typically expecting a well-endowed “bottom” (the receiver during anal sex). Some say this reeks of the times of slavery and racism. Preferences of other racial and ethnic minorities, gay or straight, may also be tinged with stereotypes – a docile, exotic Asian person; a passionate, fiery Latino partner, etc.

What does this mean for you? It means that you have more options online to be clear about who you find desirable, and more opportunities to meet the object of your desire. But it also means you have more opportunities to potentially continue existing cultural stereotypes of people based on their looks, backgrounds and how much they earn.

I’d suggest working to change those stereotypes, through virtual words and actions. Be aware of the luxury of being able to find your fantasy-mate online – but also be aware that behind that fantasy lives a real, living, breathing, complex person.

About the Author:

Deb Levine, M.A. is a health and sex educator in Oakland, California. She has been an online advice columnist for more than 10 years, first as Alice of Columbia University’s award-winning Go Ask Alice website and then as Delilah for the Oxygen network. She has appeared on E!, The O’Reilly Factor, and NBC Nightly News, among other national and local shows. She has been quoted in such magazines as Cosmo, Mademoiselle, Maxim, and Men’s Health. Deb has authored “The Joy of Cybersex: A Guide for Creative Lovers.” (New York: Ballantine Books, 1998), “Virtual Attraction: What Rocks Your Boat.” CyberPsychology & Behavior, Special Issue on Sexuality and the Internet (2000), and “Breaking Through Barriers: Wilderness Therapy for Sexual Assault Survivors.” Women & Therapy (1994).

She was responsible for supervising Thrive Online’s interactive programming devoted to healthy living in the areas of nutrition, fitness, sexuality, and general health. She has developed sexual-health content for a dual platform site on AOL and the Web. She has also participated in HIV prevention, sexual assault, nutrition, body image, conflict resolution, and self-esteem programming for students, staff and faculty.

Article by Deb Levine, M.A. © CollarNcuffs.com

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Exploring Fantasy

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Domme in black latex

Exploring Sexual Fantasy for Couples: Using the Internet as Training Wheels

In the early days of a relationship, new love and fresh passion can be enough to drive a sexual relationship into the stratosphere. Over time, however, sexual routines can sap the energy of once vibrant love affairs, and couples recognize the need to expand their sexual horizons. Unfortunately, the action often stalls at the “now what?” stage. A key question hovers: How do we undertake this journey without getting lost along the way?

The short answer is: Travel slowly. Don’t hop on a racing bike….get an ordinary bike and, better yet, start with training wheels. Remember when you first learned to ride a bicycle? Didn’t you have little training wheels on the back for balance until you could steady yourself? Well, when a couple launches a sexual adventure, there’s no better set of “training wheels” than the internet. Let’s look at three ways that the internet can provide balance and stability as you set out on your erotic journey.

The Internet as Virtual Professor

Educational sites like CollarNcuffs display the questions other people ask in the Community Forum, which can reassure you that yours are reasonable and probably a lot less unusual than you might have imagined. Reading answers and articles aloud to your partner and watching educational videos together can be an entertaining way to open up discussions about delicate subjects, as well as pique your curiosity about new ideas. In fact, one of the smoothest ways to bring up a sensitive sexual issue – maybe one you have been wanting to address, but were afraid to – is to find a pertinent article or video on your own and then randomly “stumble” across it when you and your honey are perusing the net together: “Oh look, this one seems interesting!”

Some educational videos offer “show and tell,” too, incorporating erotic images that match visual titillation with pertinent information. These might provide the added boost you need to turn the spark of an idea into a thrilling experiment.

With the advent of streaming video, you can snuggle up with your laptop and enjoy purely entertaining erotic content, too. These films serve an important purpose – so don’t dismiss them as “mere” erotica. For example, if you’ve both expressed interest in something new – anal play sex, for example – but have found that just reading how-to material failed to jump-start your exploration, a hot, explicit anal video might be just the visual aid you need to stop “over-thinking” or quell anxiety. Of course, you’ll want to overlay everything you’ve read about safety onto the sizzling visuals, too. Erotic films can be high on voltage, but they may ignore critical realities, so you usually need to rely on other sources for the factual low-down.

The Internet as Fantasy Library

If you feel that your fantasy repertoire has grown stale, browsing the internet can expose you to fresh variations that you might not conjure up on your own. Exploration as a couple might be just the spice your sex life needs.

However, what about people who have never fantasized before? Some of us were taught that sexual thoughts are “dirty” and that fantasies are forbidden territory. How do we begin to fantasize if we have no reference point for it? We can borrow fantasies! Borrowed scenes can be just as exciting as those we create out of the ethers, and the internet is the perfect lending library. The erotic images you are drawn to again and again quickly become “yours.” This is really no different than renting a Hollywood DVD, sitting back, and letting the images wash over you – something you already know how to do very well.

If you’re new to sexual fantasy, it’s often wise to explore internet-based erotic material on your own – then share what you’ve discovered with your partner. Read stories, view photos, watch films – and be bold. As you wander, pay attention to whatever snares your attention or makes you tingle. The trick, of course, is in allowing yourself to react authentically, rather than letting your internal censor or fear of your partner’s judgment impede your responsiveness.

When you explore as a couple, you’ll find that meandering through the internet’s millions of images helps you gain a sense of the farthest reaches of each other’s response zones – those extreme edges where desire and uncertainty mingle deliciously – as well ad the “no go” places to steer clear of. The only real danger in this kind of openness lies in pretending you aren’t intrigued by a sexually explicit or unconventionally erotic image, when in fact you are – or in letting anxiety give way to negative remarks about a partner’s turn-on, provoking his or her shame and subsequent distancing. To avoid these pitfalls, be gentle with yourself and your loved one, even if he or she reveals a notion that startles you. Remember that arousal doesn’t demand follow through or imply a willingness to replicate a fantasy scene in real life. The beauty of fantasy is that boundaries are implicit; strictly within a fantasy universe, anything is possible.

The Internet as Virtual Matchmaker

Many couples are attracted to the idea of sex with a third person or another couple, but feel that acting on that urge is unwise. If fantasy beckons, but wisdom restrains, the internet’s “training wheels” provide safety.

Let’s say you’re a couple attracted to bringing another woman into the bedroom but you aren’t too keen on the risks of a real-life experiment. A web cam session with a chat host might be the perfect alternative. Building up anticipation in the process of choosing a host and sharing your thoughts about who each of you is attracted to can be a turn-on in itself. Once you’ve selected a partner, if you have a web cam, too, you can see each other and relate through verbal seduction and suggestion; you can even mirror each other’s self-touch. One couple that traveled on business set up “conference” cams with their chathost while both were in different cities. Their three-way-cam scene was just one of many strong efforts to sustain eroticism even while apart. Another couple allowed their chathost to instruct them in unique sexual variations, and by following her guidance the couple learned ecstatically pleasing new techniques. More can found on this idea HERE in our resource section

Another option involves virtual communities like Second Life where an animated representation of a user – called an avatar – can have sexual encounters with other users’ avatars. If you and your partner have been curious about, say, s/m or bondage, you could explore bdsm virtually, where you can immerse yourselves in the psychological dimension, minus real pain or restraint. Or if one of you is more intrigued than the other, your avatar can practice your skills on other avatars – rather than on your partner. I know of one woman who was not in the least interested in playing “bottom” to her girlfriend’s clumsy attempts at dominance until she saw her in action after a few months of practice with other avatars. “So that’s what you do now?” she asked, awestruck. “You’re like a different person! You’re so sexy!” She could have won a prize for the world’s most laughably backhanded compliment, but her uncensored glee led to brand new real-time adventures and a happy-ever-after outcome for both of them. Possibilities abound in the cyber-dimension, where you can gain the benefits of erotic interludes with others – and push taboo far enough to be exciting – while never actually straining fidelity.

About the Author: A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

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Cam Play

Web cam play pros and cons, hints and tips for Femdom and online

Table of Contents

I think this topic is going to be near and dear to a lot of kinksters, myself included. I think cams are great because they let you interact with someone in a much more meaningful way than just text or pics. One snapshot does not show the depths of emotion and the struggle they go through to do as told. You do not know if your taking them to there limits or not without seeing into there eyes. You can play with a partner, see them squirm, watch them carry out your instructions, see their facial expressions, etc. all in real time. no need to wait for photos to show up in email. The joy of a cam is that you can interact on a whole new level

Cams are a great way for beginners to kind of explore Femdom. you can play just for fun with whoever is willing, or you can play with a regular partner and develop a meaningful relationship. it’s also a lot easier to find a partner to play with on cam than to find a partner real time. The internet has made Dominance and submission and B.D.S.M a lot more accessible to a lot of people, but us perverts are still kind of a minority in the real world. plus, in the real world you can never quite tell who’s the kinksters, and who’s vanilla.

‘Pros’ and ‘cons’

The only ‘con’ for me is that a cam doesn’t hold a candle to a real time experience. plus there are things you just can’t do on your own because of logistics, safety etc. But having stated that, it’s an added extra and for people who can’t get out there and meet people, cams certainly are a great addition to some Femdom play times.

I love using the cam with my submissives, and occasional play partners . My sessions are more intense and rewarding. I would rather cam than have pictures taken or them writing of their experiences. I love camming but not just with or for anyone. The ‘pros’ tend to revolve around the fact that one is able to explore an interest in a safe environment. A man who has never cross-dressed in front of another living being, for example, can do so via cam without much fear of ridicule. It’s can be a first step to taking it into real life.

The ‘cons’ tend to be the ungawdly number of boys I have never, met nor chatted with, who want to wave their penis in my general direction and masturbate. Gah. Please. Like it’s special !!!!

I’ve learned my lesson quite a few times, especially using chat rooms, that people are not always who they say they are, if your in doubt we have a resource page Fakers that could help shed some light on, or spot a potential fake.

If I become interested in someone, and they don’t have a web cam, I let them know that will hinder any progress in our D/s relationship. There is just no way I am going to get emotionally involved with someone and then find out they aren’t who they say they are. Besides, I have met hundreds of people that are more than willing to just turn it on so I can watch their facial movements as we speak. If a particular person is absolutely dead set against it, no worries. There are a million people out there with web cams.

There have been a very slim few that have scene’d with me on cam, usually they also watch me as well, but I am kind of picky. I know that I suddenly sound like a webcam snob, or shallow, or what not. I’ve just had some bad times with liars and cheats and fakes. I’m done with that!!!

Quiet a few in online Femdom world also have this idea that web cams are somehow going to expose your session to the world or something?

That people can find out what you are doing on webcam by somehow hacking into your session? Just to clarify some things:

  • First off, about one in 10,000 people (yes, I made that number up, I think it’s extremely conservative, I can‘t locate actual figures) actually have the technical know how to get into your computer to find files that you may or may have not downloaded off the internet, including webcam files. And remember, that most of the time, if not 99 percent of the time, people KNOW the person they are hacking; so be nice to people in general. Karma etc.
  • Secondly, even less people have the technical know how to do that remotely (via the Internet). So unless you happen to live with the world’s most computer literate human being, and they not only have full unaccompanied access to your computer, AND they have your passwords to your IM programs, AND they are someone who spends their days programming in Visual Basic or some other coding language like that AND they happen to know exactly how windows puts all the files where it puts it, all hidden in DOS etc… The chances are NIL that anyone would ever know anything about your hot webcam encounters… You really have to know what you are doing to somehow hack into someone’s web cam session, and then on top of that, that person who is doing it really needs to hate you something awful.
  • Third, free porn is so easily obtainable on the Internet, and the free porn availed is some what of a higher caliber and quality why would someone directly want your cam feed? webcams are, for some, are just a way to utilize the most recent technology to facilitate a long distance relationship; just like phones were to us a hundred years ago, email was to us 15 years ago, and now IM’s, phone text messages and webcam are to us today. I say use what you have available to you.

From a Domme’s point of view, I think trust is built more quickly when You can actually see the boy carrying out Your wishes. I enjoy seeing hard cocks, and I love seeing the effect I’m having on a boy.

The “con” I’ve heard most from submissive males is not knowing for sure it’s a Female watching them on the other end (since most Dommes choose not to show on cam) I imagine it’s difficult for some to show their naked bodies to virtual strangers, or carry out some tasks that are asked of them on camera. Often all that is needed to lay this fear to rest is quick cam showing, that you are in fact female.

Cams can make sub males very insecure and self conscious. digital camera can often be used as a stepping stone to cam work you could maybe get him to send pictures of assignments. A good warm up might be to limit initial cam time, get him to turn on his cam for two minutes . Suggest to him that you want to see his smile. “after 2 minutes you may shut it off and thank me“. Every once in awhile tell your submissive to turn on the cam and you’ll soon notice they will appear more comfortable, increase the time slowly over days, weeks, then slowly progress until you began doing sessions on cam.

Right, you have finally found a willing submissive male to dominate via webcam, so what now ?

First off you need to talk with your sub to find out what pushes his buttons.

It would also be wise to discuss your limits in advance. One of the best ways to do this is to set him an assignment to write down his favorite D/s or cam session (also his favorite fantasy cam session). This will give you lots of hints as to what he likes. Then ask him what didn’t worked in past cam sessions (for example some people might like verbal humiliation, others may be turned off entirely by it). You should also ask him if he has ever completed a BDSM checklist (of what he’s experienced with / what he’d like to try / what he hates, etc)what are his limits what will he negotiate.

Subbies please try to avoid phrases like “I have no limits”, or “I’ll do anything for you”. you may be asked to prove it. (Also, if I may, the biggest PRO to cam sessions is in the truest essence of BDSM – power exchange in a safe, sane and consensual way. If a submissive male finds themselves in a situation or task that they feel may be unsafe or a hard limit, in an online situation they may simply say that. If the Dominant in question is unable or unwilling to listen to and/or address their concerns, then the submissive also has they ability to ‘switch off’ the camera, thereby ending the session and the perceived danger we have an excellent resource page with more info called Dating red flags if your in doubt).

In real time encounters, we use safewords for extreme play, as the submissive may not be able to physically stop the encounter. Online, it’s much more about trust, desire, and the ability to please.

Right so what now ?

Some general things to remember, and please don’t feel I’m teaching you to suck eggs. I’d rather state the obvious and you know it than not do it and you don’t is all.

  • Find a space. Don’t play in limited areas where things can be knocked or hit. I don’t know if your sub is limited to one room, but either way avoid playing in cluttered areas. If he has to rearrange his furniture to create it, so be it. Create the space and keep it that way if you can.
  • The position of the webcam will, obviously, dictate what you can see and how well you can see it. This also ties into the need for a reasonably defined space.
  • The webcam should not be fixed. It’s too limiting. Ideally, wireless is the way to go but they’re costly things. It will be cheaper to buy extension cords and have them lead from the back of the pc to a certain point where the camera can be moved to. The extension cables don’t have to be plugged in, but can sit behind the pc, labelled for each position they lead to such as ‘Top of Wardrobe’ or ‘Bedside’. You can have as many as you like, but I find three or four does the job nicely.

That way, when you prepare to put your sub in a certain position, you have him remove has camera from the pc, plug the relevant extension in and then move the cam to plug it into the other end of the extension and give the best view. Simple, easy and quick and makes use of the space you have created.

Next, remember who he’s doing this for.

It’s all very well knowing what he wants and needs to do, but letting him do such things is his reward for doing what you want him to do.

Just as you need to know him to provide what he wants, he also has to know you to provide what you want. When you’re going to be apart for a time, task him with researching five suggestions for your pleasure. If he comes back with 5 ideas that more pander to his needs, then he is a very naughty boy and needs reminding of that fact. He has to know you as well.

Is he a fit man? If he is, then have him do sit ups with a large plug inside him. Alternatively or additionally, have him clamp his nipples hard and run lengths of cord that are tied of somewhere in front of him. Get his feet pushed against this so he can’t slide downwards and tell him to lie flat so that the cords go taught. Then have him do sit ups so that when he is in the relaxed position, lying flat, the pain is at it’s worst.

When he gets used to that, have the clamps tied off behind him so that, as he sits up, his nipples are pulled backwards and to the side. This can be very productive when, as he sits up, you simply say ‘hold there’.

Buy a dildo with a sucker at the bottom so that it can be easily attached to any flat service. This is good for both oral and anal training. Have him do this with clamps again, tied off near the dildo so that they are only slack when the toy is deep in his mouth and get tighter as he pulls back. They are, of course, absolutely taught when the toy is still in his mouth. If he pulls back too far for any reason, then the clamps yank off and he is hurt for doing so.

Then, of course, he is properly punished for doing so.

One thing I find very frustrating is bad lighting.

Nothing is worse than not being able to see what You want! For the first time cam user, check out your lighting beforehand. Try different lamps or lights, watching the differences of how visible you are on your screen. It wouldn’t hurt to have some alternative lighting available when the big time comes.

some extra ideas that have worked well for me, and others:

Handcuffs with the key frozen in cup of water works well, the key can be retrieved if need, Velcro straps, Bondage tape…just use your imagination and any thing can happen.

Keep in mind, when experimenting with self bondage, that (assuming he’s basically alone) you should be careful. If something were to happen and he was unable to release himself…. that sort of thing. Although a malfunction with the frozen hand cuffs would prove to be entertaining probably. Lol poor subbie trying to get dressed so he can go find a locksmith….. Clothespins are fun *chuckle*. Hmm…lots of teasing, orgasm denial. Hehe, it’s fun to keep your sub riding on the edge for as long as you see fit (actually, it’s fun to be that sub, too!). Crops or other impact toys…especially ones that leave nice marks. Permanent markers to write slutty things on himself. Lip stick for your forced femme

CBT is VERY fun over cam, too. Takes a bit of imagination sometimes, but it can be fun too!

have him cum in a glass early in the session…leave it sitting beside the monitor as you continue (induct value as he is unsure of what will be done with it)…have him drink it for you in closing.

ice cubes in the ass (should he dispel them before they melt, think up some punishment) then insert large plug with a warming lube…lovely contrast that tends to get them excited quickly, and the numbing from the ice allows the larger plug to be less painful. at first. …the look on his face the first time? priceless! a small amount on a plug, or other insertable, can be intense and amazing. a large amount can have them sweating and screaming in a fairly short amount of time. grins.

have him get a popsicle and show you how creative he can be for your amusement.

The addition of the webcam can add to the humiliation and control factor of online play, including the edginess of being discovered by someone walking in on the scene or participating in it from the other side of the camera. The idea of online D/s is always a bit enthralling because your making him do all these things to himself. He’s not even being forced so he’s basically humiliating and torturing himself voluntarily.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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Meeting Cyber Dommes

Table of Contents

So you want to meet a Domme! You want to be collared either real-time or cyber collared, Or if your honest you just want a little cyber playtime 

So you want to meet a Domme in the chatroom, but you’ve gone in and you’ve got no attention, you haven’t been dragged off to cyber heaven by the Domme of your dreams.

I’ve written this page for a few reasons;

  • 1 You’re going to find it useful
  • 2 The advice contained within it should help stop you looking like an idiot.
  • 3 A slightly more selfish reason…I’m slightly sick of chatroom behavior and being asked the same questions.

If you have arrived at this URL address chances are your either starting out, or you’ve bombed out on your cyber partner hunt, and your searching for answers or help. Or the other reason is… you’ve been pointed in this direction either nicely or quiet abruptly from a fellow chartroom user.

My logical guess is you keep striking out, so you’ve now found you’re self here reading my page – I have no way of knowing. Consequently, don’t take it that personally – I don’t know who you are, or the circumstances under which you’ve arrived here. The chances are however that you are in danger of making yourself look stupid, or that you’re pestering women in a chat room, so please spend the few moments it takes to read this page – it will be worth it.

Before we move onto the information itself, lets make one thing perfectly crystal clear: I’m NOT looking for male submissives anyway, so it’s a total waste of both your time and mine, ok? Well, having got that little, (but important) point out of the way, lets move on, shall we. The following are a list of things that you might want to keep in mind if you want to achieve your goal.

There are lots of male submissives.

You are not the only male submissive in the world, just because you are submissive and she is Domme doesn‘t mean she is interested. In fact, within the BDSM scene you’re just about the lowest of the low. Sorry if that sounds depressing, but it’s the truth, and you might as well hear it from me in a ‘semi’ polite form, instead of from someone else in a chatroom who is rather less than polite. Simply coming into a chat room and telling people that you’re a male submissive isn’t going to mean a thing. Quite frankly, we don’t care. Worse still is telling people that you’re a male submissive, and which lucky mistress would like you as their slave. We will NOT be interested. Most likely we already have a submissive or stable of submissives, and we’re probably not looking for another one. So, to really hammer the point home: THIS APPROACH WILL NOT WORK! YOU are wasting time and effort. If a Domme does pay attention after this approach, chances are you about to serve a Male !!! Think about it ?if this is ok with you, then by all means stop reading and continue on with your quest for self ‘serving’ Femdom.

There are not that many Dommes.

Ohhhhhh was that your little subbie heart shattering?….my apologies’ I maybe should of worded that a tad softer. Don’t despair I do have answers:

The BDSM pecking order goes a bit like this – at the top of the heap are female submissives. They are rare, delightful creatures, few and far between. Next down come Dommes. You don’t tend to get an awful lot of those either. Next in the order are Doms. There are quite a lot of them, believe me. Finally we get to the largest group of all, the male submissive. Consequently, don’t treat all Dommes as the same. If you’ve read this far, you may be a tad pissed off with me generalizing and calling you a male submissive. Just think how much more annoying it is for a Domme to exist in your mind as nothing more than a woman who may want a submissive. You are denying her everything about her, except her sex and the fact that she can tell you what to do. Believe me, this is a really bad idea – the level of interest in you will be zero, zilch nada. If it’s not zero it’s almost certainly because she thinks you’re a joke. (Of course, it’s entirely possible that’s what you get off on, but we’ll assume that you do actually want a Domme for all the right reasons, ok?)

Dommes do not like to be pestered.

In fact, no-one likes to be pestered. In fact, no-one likes people who whine. Gawd knows that we see enough male submissives who do. Ensure that you do not fall into that category. Actually, it’s probably too late, because that’s one of the reasons that someone may have pointed out this web page to you. So make sure you stop that behaviour right now!

Female submissives are not Dommes in disguise.

You may be tempted to talk to a female submissive in the hopes of persuading her that actually, she’s really a Domme and hasn’t met the right submissive male yet. Trust me when I tell you that every female sub has heard every line, at least ten times. THIS WILL NOT WORK! A female sub doesn’t have to be anything other than a female submissive – in terms of rarity value they’re at the top as it is. Believe me – if a female submissive wanted to be a Domme, she’d be one. Trying to persuade her that she is will do nothing except annoy her. It’s a really bad idea to annoy a female submissive; they have ways and means that are beyond the understanding of anyone else, and their revenge will be nothing you’d want to experience. By all means talk to them – hell, talk to all of us! But please don’t try and get her to Domme you. Female submissives in our chatrooms here, on Collarncuffs… are here to serve Dommes, they serve or wish to serve a Female Dominant just the same as you….Remember how you feel when approaching a female sub, they are actually just like you, only a different sex.

The positive steps you should take.

Be polite when entering a chat.

This is of course always good manners for anyone. Politeness is a virtue, good manners go a long way, just as they do in real life. Do not barge into a chat and tell everyone your sex, age, location and your particular fetish. We don’t care. If we take any notice of this at all it’s going to be ‘oh, it’s an idiot. Ignore them’. which is just what you don’t want to happen. You will find that you get on a lot better if you come in, say ‘hi’, and perhaps explain that you’re new to the room. DO NOT IMMEDIATELY START PM’ING DOMMES OR FEMALE SOUNDING NAMES. They won’t be interested, and chances are you might just be chatting up a femmed Male submissive who chooses to use a female nickname, or a ‘lesbian’ female sub. Both who have no interest in you at all. It is much better to sit quietly for a while, listening to conversations and getting to know people individually first, and allowing them to get to know you. Some Dommes will also insist you ask publicly to PM before chatting…heed this advice!! If you wish to get any where.

Demonstrate why you’re different.

Before looking for a Domme, you need to decide for yourself what makes you different. If you’ve taken the trouble to sit in a chat and slowly get involved with it, at some point, someone will ask you about yourself. This is a key moment in your search for a Domme, so use it wisely, even if it‘s another submissive asking question…Dommes present will listen intently if interested. Here are some of the classic errors that are made at this point:

  • Submissive error I’m very submissive.Domme thoughts Big deal so are all submissives.
  • Submissive error I do exactly what I’m told.Domme thoughts Well yes.. and? This one is desperate!
  • Submissive error I’ll do anything for the right Mistress.Domme thoughts Well yes.. and again? This one is desperate!
  • Submissive error I have a tongue that can go for hours Domme thoughts Well why don’t you conserve it, and shut the fuck up!
  • Submissive error I’m excellent at pleasuring my Mistress Domme thoughts Oh, ok… he’s desperate for a fuck.
  • Submissive error I’m rich with my own Penthouse suite.Domme thoughts He’s a desperate liar.
  • Submissive error I’m available for the right Domme! Domme thoughts Totally clueless and arrogant.
  • Submissive error I’m 23, very fit and highly intelligent.Domme thoughts even more totally clueless and arrogant
  • Submissive error I’m looking for a Domme!Domme thoughts You’re a male sub, of course you are…

None of those approaches will work. We see it every night. What makes much more sense is to assume that we know you’re submissive, that you’ll do as you’re told and all that jazz. So don’t tell us, move swiftly onto something about you that’s interesting. What hobbies do you have? What skills have you got? What makes you an interesting human being? The fact that you’re a sub isn’t interesting. We know that already. There are very interesting male submissives – I know lots of them, as do the rest of us. But they are interesting because they are people who happen to be submissive. Do you see the difference? I really hope so!

Tell us why you’re different and leave it.

Don’t continue whittering on about it. If people are interested, they’ll ask you about it. If they do, congratulations, you’ve moved onto the next stage in your search. FINDING A DOMME IS A LONG TERM PROCESS – IT WILL NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. If you come into a chat room expecting to find a Domme who will come around and visit you the same evening or the next day to beat you senseless, just leave the room right now and go to yahoo_bdsm_stupidly_optimistic_room_101 After all – why should a Domme want to? She’s probably already got a sub she can phone up and say ‘come over here now, I am in horny mood to beat you’. So just leave it. Don’t push it, and don’t go expect anything to happen now, tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or this week. Or probably this month. I’m really sorry – I know that you’re desperate – it’s clear for all to see, and there’s nothing that is more off-putting than a desperate submissive. It’s not pretty and it’s not attractive.

Visit the chatroom again. And again.

But visit it as a PERSON. Do not visit as a male submissive desperate for a Domme. We’ll just get totally pissed off with you. However, if you are interesting and a fun person to chat to, you’ll be warmly welcomed. Do this for long enough, and at some point a Domme will turn her eye towards you. (Probably both eyes in fact. If she does just turn one eye towards you, you may have reason to be slightly concerned). And when you visit, come to the chatroom to meet people. Don’t come with the express requirement to meet the Domme of your dreams. She probably doesn’t exist, and if she does, she’s the one who is married, or has a full stable… ok? Treat all of us Dommes, submissives just like normal real life people because you know what? That’s exactly what we are. No-one likes being put in a pigeon hole. You don’t like me thinking of you as ‘just another male submissive’, and quite frankly, I don’t blame you. If you don’t like it, why would we want to be pigeon holed either?

When a Domme talks to you.

Obviously be polite. We all like politeness. Dommes usually insist on it. However, don’t grovel, since we don’t like that. Save the kissing my ass for when you ask you too. Most Dommes don’t like grovelling. Remember, that she is talking to you because she finds you interesting – the fact that you’re a submissive is taken for granted, so you need to make sure that you think in those terms as well. Do not immediately launch into a sales pitch about how you’re the best sub she’ll ever meet blah blah (see I just tuned out). She won’t believe you and she’ll lose interest within seconds. Of course, if she asks what you like doing as a submissive, tell her! DO NOT SAY ‘ANYTHING YOU WANT MISTRESS’. This immediately puts you into the category of sad desperate loser, or just a wank chaser. Tell her what you do like doing, and what you don’t like doing. Be clear about this, since she’s going to find out at some point, and you might as well be up front about it – it’ll save your time and hers Miss Right is better than Miss Rightnow.

What to do if a Domme expresses an interest.

Your on your own now after all your domme must be interested in you to of allowed you this far

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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