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The Art of Flirting Online

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker: How to Transition from Online Femdom To Real Time I hear some version of this sad story nearly every day:

Online we were so good, so hot, it was easy to talk to and tease each other. I thought it would be just as good when we met, but instead it felt so awkward. We never recovered from that, and our online thing just petered out.

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker Interested in Femdom: How to Transition from Online To Real Time

Even if you’re sporting a well-developed persona online, it won’t necessarily transfer to RL Femdom practices. The reasons are varied, but the most important has to do with the fact that you are so much more relaxed and attentive behind the monitor. Your brain isn’t over-flowing with worries like “what does he think of me?” or “does she think I’m as phat as I think she is?” The boundary between cyber and RL is getting slimmer every day, but it’s still thick enough for cyberplay to continue being more protective of our egos than RL. In a relaxed and uninhibited state, it’s much easier to flirt. You can be fearless! And that’s the key right there. In real life, you become more of whoever you are when you’re afraid. That is, if you tend to be tongue-tied when afraid, or if you get overly talkative or more aggressive and confrontational, those qualities come to the forefront, hiding some of your most desirable aspects. In fact, they hide the very qualities that come across so well online.

To make matters worse, fear impedes your ability to control your body talk. When anxious, all your little quirks are exaggerated, and your capacity for strategy goes out the window. That may be your most serious handicap, because seductive body language is the secret to winning the game-set portion of any RL match.

Eighty percent of a first impression rests on how you move, stand, make eye contact, and express your interest nonverbally. Very little of the first impression comes from what you say. The tone of your voice – that is, the sound and cadence of it, not the words themselves – also weighs in. If your voice is weak and shallow, if your body is pulled back and stiff, or hyperactive and fidgety, you can blow things at hello. Why is this particularly important for social networkers to know? Your relationships online are based almost entirely on language use and its impact upon perception. You come alive to others through the words you use. Your body language, which could probably be best described as “slumped over the keyboard,” has little to do with the impression you make. Flirting in real life means honing a communication style in which social networkers tend to be least fluent. The anxiety and awkwardness you feel in RL is understandably a reflection of lack of comfort with your body and insufficient practice using it as your communicator.

Of course, the smarts that you play with online are as valuable in RL as anywhere in cyberspace – they just aren’t usually the meat of a first impression, nor are they sufficient to give you confidence as a bona fide flirt. To become comfortable in RL, new learning can’t develop inside your head or through an avatar; it requires actual practice. In that respect, flirting is a lot like dancing. You need to release fear and relax your body, while simultaneously paying attention to your movements. Yes, “relax and concentrate” sounds almost paradoxical – which is why, like dancing, flirting has to be practiced. You can’t head-trip your way to a successful flirting style – you have to do the physical deed over and over again until your body owns the experience.

Here are suggestions for flirt-worthy moves that you can practice daily with almost anybody.

After you’ve mastered them, you’ll feel more confident and in charge of yourself when approaching someone whose response truly matters.

  • 1) Sit and stand straight; move with confidence. Proper posture really does matter a lot! Watch some of your favorite actors move with easy grace on screen and follow their lead. Don’t swivel or swagger; don’t over-do; just relax and move like you’re perfectly happy to share your billions of dollars and even greater wealth of heart. Remember that when you meet someone, the way you silently enter the room and sit down will be your first impression, and this can carry more weight than anything you do with your mouth open over the subsequent hour.
  • 2) Use your eyes to connect. The more intimate you want to be with someone, the broader your “zone of attention” can be. In business, you want to look primarily at the upper face as you “meet their eyes.” This term is a bit misleading though, because you don’t want to stare straight into someone’s eyes at all. Rather, shift your focus from eye to eye or take in their eyes and whole face simultaneously. When you are intimately interested in someone your zone of attention can become more encompassing, often taking in the most alluring bits: chest, shoulders, lips. Watching someone’s lips as they talk can be flirtatious and signal you are thinking thoughts about their mouth that go far beyond speech. In any social situation, though, you want to be looking at the person you’re talking with – never down at your hands, at the floor, over their shoulder, or around the room. This takes lots of practice, especially for social networkers who are adept multi-taskers. If your attention wanders easily to the newest incoming stimulus, you’ll need to put a strong rein on this habit.
  • 3) Shift your body subtly in the direction of the other person, as if they are the sun and you are a vine that grows toward the light. For instance, lean forward a little as the other person speaks; angle your body in their direction rather than away; cross your leg so that your toe is pointing at them.
  • 4) Mirror: Watch the other person’s body language and mirror their positive moves. If they take a sip of their drink and then lean forward, wait a moment and do something similar – but not necessarily an exact imitation. If they cross their leg in your direction, wait 40-60 seconds and do the same. Yes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In this case, you’re saying, “I like you” with your gestures and forming an unspoken connection.
  • 5) To increase the intensity of flirtation, use touch. As you’re speaking, emphasize a point by lightly touching the other’s arm or knee. Lean in when you’re laughing and touch them as if to underscore the joke. This will suggest a certain intimacy (unless it suggests drunkenness!) and might even be viewed as a come-on, so be judicious here. You don’t want to do this in business or with someone you aren’t interested in pursuing, unless you are close friends and touch comes naturally.
  • 6) Match your body talk and vocal tone. Again, pay attention to your favorite actors and actresses in roles where they seem to be flirting. Notice how body and the voice compliment one another. Watch a scene depicting flirtation in a foreign film, then turn off the subtitles (DVDs usually let you do this in set-up). Notice how vocal inflections and conversational melodies work with body language to signal sexual interest, even in the absence of understandable dialog. This just goes to show how little the actual words matter – quite unlike the online experience, where words transmit 98% of the message.
  • 7) If you’re a woman, touch yourself. (No…not like that!) Capturing someone’s attention can be as simple as imagining that you feel a cool breeze or a tickle on your skin and are “unconsciously” reacting by mirroring the sensation with your fingers. Practice running fingertips across your throat or the top of your chest; drag them over your shoulder and down the side of your arm. These moves can send an “innocently” sensual signal. You’ll want to save this tactic for when you’re deep into a conversation and avoid doing it more than once or twice. Like the act of sensually applying lipstick while someone watches – a no-no in polite company but ultra come-hither when flirting – self-touch can be a powerful move. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t want to pull the trigger on the big guns of flirtation unless you’re hankering for return fire.

Start practicing the art of body talk in situations where the outcome isn’t terribly important, and you’ll be surprised how soon these moves become second nature. Then your confidence will soar, along with your fluency as a RL flirt!

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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Love At First Site

Table of Contents

Match-making has come of age. In 2001 online dating was a mere $40-million industry. By 2008, revenues are expected to exceed $600 million. While hundreds of firms are vying for a slice of that big mouth-watering pie, anticipation is flying highest among the eager online daters turning to the industry for love, not money.

silhouette of hugging couple

If you’re single today you’ve probably cruised at least a few internet dating profiles. Why not look at our community. Maybe you have friends who found their soul mate online. In 2006, a study of internet users revealed that 3% of people in married or long-term committed relationships had met their partners online – that’s equal to 3 million people. Among a group of 4400 cyber-daters in eight different countries, a whopping 25% found their life partner in cyberspace. Even more eye-popping is the figure released by Match.com – the largest online dating site in the world – showing that 11% of people who married after hooking up with a Match.com member say they knew they were in love prior to ever meeting their spouse face to face. The email contact and subsequent phone calls sealed the deal before a handshake even entered the picture. Undoubtedly, that 11% were lucky to have happy endings to their dating adventure. But surveys don’t tell us how many others have tumbled head over heels online, only to freefall disastrously after setting eyes on their supposed perfect mate.

Despite the successes, heartbreaking stories abound. Take Tracy and Dell, who had spent months emailing and phoning between Philadelphia and San Jose, where Dell was planning to move when her company promoted her. They each thought that they’d met the love of their life – until the day Dell’s Rabbit pulled up in front of Tracy’s house, heaped with her belongings, and Tracy wanted nothing more than for Dell to hop away on the spot.

“I hated the way she walked, the way she smelled, the way her nose nearly touched her upper lip when she smiled, ” said Tracy. “I couldn’t get past all those physical turn offs that never showed up in her photos. It wasn’t just a matter of no chemistry; it was BAD chemistry!” Dell was equally unimpressed with Tracy, whose home was her idea of hell. Not one piece of furniture matched, Dell complained, and the place hadn’t been thoroughly cleaned in a year. Dell was so “grossed out” she did, in fact, hippity hop to the nearest motel.

Tracy and Dell’s situation was extreme, but not uncommon. That feeling of “Uh oh…this is nothing like what I thought it would be,” can be the first sign of trouble and, sometimes, all that’s needed to send a partner running as fast as if a skunk had let loose in the living room. But the signs aren’t always so obvious. The absence of strong sexual or emotional connection may be an early concern that couples hope they can remedy over time, but the burning question lingers: “wasn’t all that keyboard chemistry for real?

For another couple, Zina and Michael, the online connection seemed more real than anything either had known in the past. But when they met…poof went the bubble! “Even our kissing styles were mismatched,” noted Zina, who found Michael awkward and utterly inexperienced at carrying off the sexual games he’d described in his long steamy missives. On the heels of such a build-up the letdown was crushing. Zina found herself taking a poll of her friends, asking everyone if chemistry could be kindled even if not evident to start with. And isn’t that the ultimate question for everyone whose love affair sparkled from afar, but turned grimy on close-up? How can online daters be so terribly wrong about their Mr. or Ms. Right?

Online dating always forces a collision between “fantasy” and “chemistry.” Email communiqués allow us to be the best self we’re capable of being, if only part-time. Email can showcase our smoothness, our humor, our charm, our sensitivity. We can edit and re-edit every line until it’s just right! Moving from email to phone brings us closer to the real realm, where voice quality, tone, inflection, grammar, and confidence, can be read more exactly. Yet much still remains hidden – the visual, the chemical, the impact of face to face interactions and the anxieties it provokes.

Falling in love without sight – or touch, or scent – handicaps us and forces us to transform our love object into a “compilation” person. We cut and paste scraps of truth, ideals, hopes, acts, inferences, and fantasies between the lines of text or the onscreen pixels, altering them until their resemblance to the person on whom they’re modeled is vague at best. Being in thrall to the dream of love, we may fail to grasp the implausibility of someone turning up on our doorstep as an exact replica of the collage we’ve been relating to. Meeting them – replete with “extras” like bad skin, garlic breath, encumbered finances, and dad in the spare room – can feel like being doused with a bucket of ice water. But don’t despair! You can still make choices that increase your chances of being one of the lucky 25%, and let you to play online dating roulette with far better odds of winning. Here’s how:

Get Off Quickly!

Off-line, that is. The need for a payoff, and the agony of disappointment, exponentially increase with the amount of time invested in an online relationship. Rather than develop your relationship online, go only as far as you must to ensure that you both fit each other’s “essential” criteria and feel safe meeting for the first time in public.

First Date: Assess “Baseline” Chemistry

Think of “chemistry” as having two dimensions: a baseline level and a deep level. You can assess baseline easily. Ask yourself: is your date pleasing to look at. Do you like the sound of his/her voice? Grooming good? Does ANYTHING gross you out or give you the heebie jeebies? Your answers should be yes, yes, yes, no – in that order. If your answers differ, don’t date them. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been relating online for a year or a day – you’re finished. The odds of discovering deep chemistry if these baselines are not met is probably a million to one.

Opt In For a Two Date Minimum

If the chemistry of attraction is operating at baseline, give yourself two dates to discover more. Even if your chemistry is palpable and penetrating from the get-go, you do know that sex isn’t everything – right? So, give yourself those two dates to discover whether your take on life, your values, your sense about the future, your way of moving through the world is potentially compatible before escalating chemically. Especially if the attraction is red hot, avoid overemphasizing sex so that you can keep your head clear enough to weigh other factors. On the other hand, if all you have is baseline chemistry, and don’t feel any more magnetism building after two dates, call it off – unless you are so well matched in life-style and values that you can’t fathom letting go so soon. In that case, go to the next step.

Follow the Three Strikes Rule

I could describe case after case of couples who felt they had “so much in common” or were “twins separated at birth” – but had no sign of the flammable chemistry that underlies a lasting romance. Nevertheless, because of their easy familiarity and genuine regard for one another, they chose to pursue a relationship and trusted that the chemistry would grow. Fast forward five or ten years and there they were, two very uncertain people in my consulting room, hoping to at last stoke the flames of passion, and praying their only options weren’t self-denial or divorce. So, trust me when I tell you that if you care deeply about having passion and romance in your life, if you care about building chemistry, you should give yourself a total of ONLY THREE more dates (note: this makes a grand-slam total of five dates, maximum) to get some sparks flying together. If you haven’t lifted off after the third date, it’s unlikely you’ll ever get of the ground. Either split now, before you get stuck – or enjoy your tame relationships while actively searching for your big romance.

For Long Distance Daters

If you don’t live within a reasonable driving distance of a dating prospect, you face extra obstacles, and should keep these points in mind.

Use Skype or video-chat soon after initiating telephone contact. Conversing with video isn’t quite the same as being right there, but it’s better than flying blind. Many of the qualities that you uncover face to face are also accessible through video: body language, eye contact, vocal tone, grooming – not to mention, realistic impressions of current age and weight. If you can’t arrange to meet within a short span of time, slow down the phone/video contact so that you aren’t over-investing in someone who could still fail the big test.

In the final analysis, falling in love online may be as easy as projecting all of your fantasies and ideals onto someone else’s canvas – but facing reality is much harder, and staying in love is tougher still. However, if statistics don’t lie, then some 300,000 people have fallen in love with a stranger…and their romance has lived on to tell the tale.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade. Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article: Dr.Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

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Civility and Incivility in the Scene:

Table of Contents

lingerie clad women endending her middle finger

One of the most grave and inexplicable problems facing our community in general is the continued presence of downright rudeness. It takes many forms: gossip, arrogance, slander, ingratitude, interpersonal cruelty, Rumor-mongering, the propensity to snub, shun or belittle, a refined Sensitivity to slight paired with strident disregard for how ones actions And words effect others. It is astonishing, and terribly sad, how poorly we Get along from the viewpoint of interpersonal relationships. Why a community like ours, whose members strive for a mature outlook on power, consent and tolerance should feud with such violence and monotonous regularity is a true mystery.

In our community, we see behavior one would never dream grown adults could stoop to. We have seen SM groups who ought to get along fine, bicker endlessly and mindlessly. We have seen “leaders” whose mission appears to be the personal demolition of others whose contributions to the community might challenge their own. We know good people who have left the scene because of the cattiness, clique-mentality, and deliberate un consenting meanness. This propensity, often called “Tops disease”, is by no means limited to dominants. It is nationwide in scope affecting virtually every group we have visited in our travels.

It isn’t hard to imagine a universe where this kind of behavior never occurred at all. Aggression, power and consent, to say nothing of etiquette, are concepts SM folk deal with all the time. The BDSM community has made great strides in developing and documenting a wide variety of safe SM practices, protocols and standards for negotiation and play. Yet, strangely, the bickering, bitchiness and backstabbing goes on unabated. The last two Black Rose election cycles, have produced virtual demolition derbies of friendships over seemingly trivial issues. TES went through a similar bloodbath several years ago, in the wake of their 25th anniversary celebration. And many small groups have closed, not because of legal persecution, fiscal mismanagement or lack of membership, but due to jealously, power struggles, and malicious gossip. The wounds inflicted by incivility exceed any damage perfumed in consensual dungeon play and the emotional scarring that uncivil behavior leaves on its victims lasts longer than any bruise. You might guess that the worst of this behavior comes from scene novices but you would be wrong. Beginners, usually eager to fit in and make friends, typically deport themselves well. The worst of this behavior comes from people who have been in the scene for years. People with experience, with play partners, with contacts, are often the most judgmental,least generous, most easily-offended, readiest to slander others. It is strange,but over and over we have seen seemingly friendly newcomers arrive in the scene, become avid pupils of our craft, grow into competent players, then unexpectedly mutate into arrogance, self-importance and interpersonal ruthlessness. Many leave the community in bitterness, anger or disgrace. The civility question may play a role in the scene’s curious lack of people of color, who understand discrimination and hostility when they see it, and feel unwelcome. It hurts our leather brethren, demolishes friendships, breaks the spirit of our volunteers, cripples social groups, invites retaliation, and weakens our claim that SM is practiced by emotionally healthy, well-adjusted people. Why are we doing this? What can we do to stop it?

THE SCOPE OF THE PROBLEM: WHAT IS INCIVILITY?

We will go straight to examples. By no means exhaustive, here are some categories of incivility we encounter in the scene. The Empathy Gap: This is subtle, but actually lies behind much uncivil behavior. Not so much the presence of hatred or dislike, but an absence of empathy and kindness towards other members of our SM community. In a better world, we would all actively welcome strangers, extend cordiality, start up conversations, feel a little compassion towards others like ourselves. But, more often than not, people feel nothing in particular towards people they meet in the scene. This “inner nothingness” sets the stage for much of the uncivil behavior we find in the scene.

  • Gossip: We all do it, and yes it can be loads of fun catching up on all the latest. Plus, gossip serves a valuable purpose when inquiring about someone you may be interested in playing with. by scene standards, it is not uncivil to conduct good faith peer review while inquiring about someone’s play style, experience, and reputation. But gossip conducted with the intent to harm, or passing along dubious or inflammatory rumors is behavior that hurts the scene. In gossip, as with other things, there must be some sense of proportion. Gossip can also violate the confidentiality of individuals, possibly subjecting them to dangerous and unnecessary risk. Both truth and privacy are cardinal principals in the scene, and reckless gossip damages both.
  • Clique Politics: To have a circle of friends is a good thing, but not when the goal is circling the wagons to shut out people who “don’t fit in” In the same way that benign sharing of information can be amplified into vicious, destructive gossip, maintaining cliques whose purpose it is to weaken and ostracize others, hurts the community as well as the individuals excluded. Ultimately, clique players make so many enemies that they themselves are resented or unwelcome.
  • Sweet and Sour: A clique politics tactic: Some people make extravagant show of how close and loving they are to their circle of friends, hugs, smiles, introductions glowing compliments, in part too maximize the sting inflicted against perceived outsiders, who are refused even the time of day. A stock move among catty sorority girls during rush week, (the Amish call this shunning) it’s embarrassing to see how many grown men and women use “sweet and sour” to isolate and hurt individuals whose feelings and esteem they regard as unimportant. This truly nasty habit creates “us and them” fissures, that fragment the community, hurt feelings and invite retaliation.
  • Chicken Hawk Syndrome: With a constant influx of SM beginners, some attempt to acquire play partners under the guise of “mentoring”. Chicken hawk syndrome includes strong come-ons, boastful presentation of ones own experience and skill, sometimes in trashing other people, sometimes attempting to isolate new people from the presence or influence of others, all in the name of “education”, or at least active attempts to recruit them into their clique of preference. While there is nothing wrong with expressing interest in someone (new to the community or not) it is dishonest to couch your interest in terms of education. For new people we advise you to take your time in choosing exclusive mentors if you feel the need to do that at all, and ideally to form relationships with a circle of friends and not to rely on just one point of view.
  • SM Psychodrama: High volume yelling matches, absurd conspiracy mongering, unbridled venom towards community peers…Does any of this sound familiar? Here’s a test: If such behavior would get you fired from a professional workplace, please leave it at home. Failure to separate role from reality: We are an imaginative bunch (witness the number of science fiction fans, and Ren-fair enthusiasts in our midst) and this is both good and bad. Some take the view that the scene is a place their fantasy become reality, raising the specter of unrealistic expectations which can infringe on safety, consent even sanity. Someone who prides herself on being an unreasonable, demanding bitch in scene should always watch to draw a line between what is appropriate in scene and into daily life, even if they consider themselves “lifestyle”.
  • The Dom=Dickhead syndrome: While some dominants are true artists cultivating a gourmet’s appreciation of pleasure, pain and power, others are mere peevish control queens, itchy for a chance to criticize, get belligerent, boss others around. Still others, new to the community (but not to gorean novels) make the classic error of equating their sexual dominance with an overbearing, overreaching manner dominated by virtue of their presence at a SM event. Regardless of how dominant you are within your consenting relationships (and more power to ya!), you can no more “assume” consent in your interactions with others, than you can in an SM scene. Dominants who assume its okay to boss others around, and demand subservient treatment, demanded rudely, are making the classic newbie error of assuming its okay to touch or grab others bodies without asking.
  • The Realness Police: In which everyone assumes that your SM should closely resemble theirs. Scoffing at scenes for being too mild, too heavy or too.whatever. One particularly odious habit is the loudly proclaimed belief in those great SM unicorns the “true dom” (“ true doms never bottom … being a true dom means never having to say your sorry, etc.”) or “true submissive” (“If you were a TRUE submissive you would do X for me, let me do Y to you, take it in stride while I waltz off and do Z.”)
  • The Imperial-Imperious confusion: Some scenefolk, in an effort to appear imperial (kingly, of high standard, worthy of respect) conduct themselves in a manner that is imperious (overbearing, bossy, judgmental). A surprising number of scene-folk begin this confusion after a few years in the community, as they assume leadership positions, or when they decide that it is time they were recognized as authorities, if not superiors. While many feel that imperious behavior demonstrates expertise, importance and intelligence, in truth it almost never fails to alienate potential friends and play partners and make the offender look bad. While pecking order tactics like these are fine for beings with the intelligence and spiritual depth of sparrows and chickens, in humans they are shallow, unkind and run counter to the spirit of “safe sane and consensual.” Furthermore, people will not continue to support and tolerate people who treat them badly. Even so, unwise bystanders, occasionally reward this kind of boorishness with attention and respect, making our collective problem worse. New people see this behavior in community leaders and players of high prominence and emulate it, believing it to be proper, accepted or connoting high status.
  • Expert-itus:(a variant of the previous point) the state of confusing ones own expertise with the ability to pick nits, and find faults in other people’s play, demeanor, protocol, motives. While sharing scene knowledge is generally a good thing, it can be, and often is, overdone. Go easy on the free advice.

WHY DO WE DO IT?

In fairness, we don’t want to suggest that leatherfolk are inherently rude people. The scene, as wonderful as it can be, contains many subtle and seldom discussed “stress factors” that contribute to uncivil behavior. Like water over a stone, these stress factors wear on the nerves year after year, thus setting the stage for impatience, irritation, depression and the empathy deficit we have already discussed.

The scene is a small world, and quarters are close, closer than we might like sometimes. Because BDSM is an interest that selects at random, we often find ourselves spending a lot of time with people we might not otherwise choose as friends. The scene is an intensely intimate place, we express our inner fantasies and fears, sometimes share partners, see each other nude, watch each other cum…Is it any wonder people are sensitive about how we are treated by others?

Because these practices are incredibly diverse, we find themselves in the occasional presence of activities that make us uncomfortable. The scene is a strange place and it takes a while to adjust. (And some things you may never get used to.)

The pressures of closeting: The pressure of maintaining a secret life, of hiding your leather life from friends, colleagues, and family adds a constant overlay of tension to daily life. Scene folk have to manage the presence of fetish contraband including toys, clothes, literature and erotica whose discovery might be catastrophic. The risk, real or perceived, can encompass loss of employment, of friends, of family, even custody of ones’ kids.

Jealousy, loneliness and competition for partners are facts of life. People without play partners may become unhappy or angry. People seen as getting more than their share can trigger insecurity and resentment. Even people with partners may see threats around every corner.

The scene, like any fringe group, attracts its share of eccentrics and outcasts, some fascinating and agreeable, others less so. Newcomer na?vet?: New people unacquainted to the scene’s protocols occasionally touch, grab or conduct themselves in an inappropriate manner. Although individuals typically learn to deport themselves over time, the constant influx of newcomers means newcomer naivete is a constant, grating issue.

The realities of the party circuit: It is a hard fact of scene life is that most parties are private and their invite lists finite. For every guest invited there are twenty left outside. The guest list is dictated by what the hosts can afford, their circle of friendships, the size of their home and many other factors. But it still stings to hear about a party without getting an invite. And it happens all the time. EMAIL (the medium of choice for many SM participants) : Without a friendly face or modulations of human speech, text encounters can be easily misstated/misunders tool. Couple that with the sometimes blunt writing style of emailers everywhere, the added gravity of the written word and the ease of escalating a private remark into public rebuke with a misplaced keystroke, and you’ve got the makings for an online food fight.

SOME THOUGHTS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO TO FIX IT

One of the more sobering aspects of the list above, is that there really are no easy solutions to any of these problems. The scene is small, people are sensitive, invite lists are short, and we really do have some truly eccentric people who will continue to behave eccentrically. But there is room for hope. We do a good job of establishing, and enforcing, play standards to make SM safe and hot. We are improving all the time as educators of play practices. But, interpersonal conduct outside of the SM encounter itself, has not been made a priority and its probably time it should be. We must recognize civility (defined in part by the examples in this report) as a threat to the health of our community, and commit ourselves as individuals, to improving our own behavior first.

We must extend civility, decency, care and concern beyond our personal circle to members of the community at large. This doesn’t mean we have to be everyone’s bosom bud, but that concern for others is a priority instead of the non-issue it is for many at present. We are not talking about sainthood or communism here. The goal is not to stand around a campfire in a ring, holding hands singing Kumbaya. But if we all improve our behavior, and extend our compassion by ten percent, we will be living in a completely transformed universe.

Secondly, through mentoring and our education programs, we must elevate civility as a requirement for our leaders and citizens. While scene etiquette (a subset of civility), is an SM staple, it deals mainly with deportment, protocols and standards of interaction, and doesn’t address the deeper issues of cultivating compassion, tolerance and awareness, towards our SM brethren. These are tougher ethics-driven issues often without simple answers. And, though vocal, it is a minority of scene-folk who do the worst of this callous behavior. Most want a scene that is friendly and supportive. Many are willing to work to make it so (hopefully you too if you’ve read this far). And though the gossips, scolds and assholes among us often succeed in hurting their intended targets (and incidentally, our community), their greatest causalities are ultimately their own reputations. Remember that we are all brothers and sisters in a community no matter how diverse. If we behave like we care about and support one other, we will all find ourselves, by definition, in an environment that is more caring and supportive. Improved civility should presented as causal to the following desirable conditions: stability of friendships; respect of peers; trust of potential play partners (civility means stability); strengthens ones personal network of contacts; supports the position that SM is practiced by sane, well adjusted people; elevates fairness and justice (which are eternal) as the coin of the realm as opposed to popularity and bureaucratic clout (which are fleeting and can vanish at any moment); strengthens the community and makes it healthier; raises the comfort quotient for newcomers.

A PROPOSED APPROACH: EXTEND SSC INTO INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Strive as individuals and organizations to extend “safe, sane, and consensual” into the arena of interpersonal conduct. So lets turn the laser beam of SSC onto our civility concerns and see what it tells us: Uncivil behavior is nonconsensual: Unless assured, otherwise good manners and general kindness should be the coin of the realm. To do less is to engage someone without their consent. Doms should restrict their dominance to those who have consented to it. Submissives who pester others with unsolicited subservience are likewise in violation. And nonconsensual dominance in the name of “mentoring” doesn’t wash either. Gossips and scolds should likewise consider their behavior in terms of consent. Subjecting someone to a tongue lashing or a gossip campaign is really no better than drawing out a flogger and hammering away at them without warning. Uncivil behavior is not safe: Cruel, thoughtless behavior can damage hurt people, deeply, for as long time, and that cannot be called safe. In the same way that humiliation can be more damaging than physical pain, the emotional harm inflicted from incivility may far exceed what you intend. Unsolicited advice can come across as cutting, and judgmental. Incivility also sets a diminished community standard for others to follow, making incivility more acceptable and social environment suffers often scaring mature decent people away, and can in time bring a group to its knees. Small acts of rudeness, or disregard, even if only perceived as such can balloon up into clique wars.

And if the well being of your intended victim means nothing to you, consider this: If you make trouble for people, chances are it will come back to haunt you later on. People have a way of reciprocating behavior. Be nice and people will be nice back. Be a jackass and that’s how others will see AND speak of you. This is a small world and if you screw someone, you are handing them a motive to get you back later. Even if you are queen of the in-clique at present, no one controls the future and, over time, the leather gods have a way of evening things out. The community is close, memory is long, and paybacks are a bitch. For this reason alone, uncivil behavior is unsafe to you.

Uncivil behavior is not even all that sane: For years many of us felt we were solitary freaks before finding this community. To reinforce feelings of rejection in our brothers and sisters by deliberately withholding human decency, or subjecting them to deliberate hardship, is just not defensible. People who find themselves helpless to resist clashing with or inflicting imperious behavior on their scene fellows, would do well to begin some serious soul searching and perhaps seeking out the help they need. A lot of uncivil behavior is retaliatory. Someone does something that hurts or offends you prompting an aggressive response. Unfortunately this may be exactly how it looks to the person you just dissed. If you find that your actions and behavior are building up to a feud, it is a great idea to apologize for your part in the situation and disengage from the conflict. Furthermore, the long term gains from uncivil behavior are so meager, and the costs so high that it really does not pay for people who hope to stay in the community for some time. (Even if they win a short term victory.)

APHORISMS

Taking care of your community. Take care of its members. Agree to disagree. you don’t have to dis just because you dislike. Civility demonstrates stability. Piss off a bigot; be nice to a leather person. Imperious does not mean imperial. SSC is always in effect, whether or not a scene is in progress. Resist the urge to reward slanderous gossip with your attention and involvement -it’s not consensual, and not safe, even it’s sanity is questionable. Tithe: give ten percent more in kindness appreciation gratitude, forgiveness. Never assume Safety. Never assume Consent. SM does not stand for Super Man – nobody is perfect and everyone makes Mistakes. Be willing to concede the point if you have been uncivil. Being willing to fess up, and apologize, makes you stronger, not weaker. Always try to be the voice of sanity and reason. Incivility is uncivil, whatever the excuse. Try to maintain perspective. Maintain a healthy sense of humor. True wealth is the ability to give kindness. Never forget your pleasure. Acceptance is voluntary, tolerance is mandatory

Article By Chris M [Black Rose of Washington DC] and Lady Medora [New Orleans Power Exchange] (The authors hope that everyone and anyone will send this through any boards you belong to including the authors names).

Posted on

Finding a Domme

FINDING MISS RIGHT! Not miss right now

UPDATE 2022: Please note our community contains a more in-depth collection of articles and resources in our Free Program, “Help me, find my Domme.

Are you looking for a magic spell or potion a unique formula that will guarantee you a Mistress you want? Well, there isn’t any . Not really…

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you must start at the beginning. Just as you would in the vanilla world First you sit down and identify who you are as a person. By this I mean your viewpoints on morality, spirituality, ethics politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and your sense of humor. Yes!!! It all counts After all is said and done its who you are as a person These fundamental facets count the most. Too many people look through rose colored glasses, looking for the D/s facet instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that equals or matches you. This is critical. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using signs or safe words, wanting only to appease their Domme. So, it is a good idea to ‘match’ with the same limits as your Domme from the beginning. In addition, if you are a McDonalds burger person, you may have trouble eating caviar and drinking champus every day of the week- be real and honest with yourself!

Yes. Domme’s have limits. They have the same mental processes as all humans. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking a Domme who matches you then you reduce the potentials of limits violations. So, you have your list . . . What to do now? Since you are probably reading this via the wonders of the internet Now use your computer to conduct a search (yes that’s right if good for something other than porn LOL) . You can do so by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Domme, Mistress. Then type in your local area. Some good place to conduct searches are Collarncuffs forum, Collarme.com, Alt.com, Bondage.com . It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 3 hour drive from your permanent residence. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics, they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems which are much less common ‘within’ your local area. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that could have possibilities. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter (please note this means NO naked photos if a Domme asks for naked pics she is more than likely interested in a playmate than a person). In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually all countries have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. You could also addressed this in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Attend a few local social events (I am not talking play parties or open dungeons but demo’s and workshops !).

By limiting your search to your local vicinity you increase the potential of finding a life partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber chats and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to ‘prevent’ the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement’s without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. If you find you are constantly finding Miss Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When you contacting a potential partner/Domme in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to ‘appear’ just right when they really are not. Keep your email courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. (The things on your list). If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Honorific titles are earned – not given by typing in a screen name or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time – consistent actions and behavior becoming to the individual. To me this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.

Next I recommend a fairly quick meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with No plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the sub they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered within the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)

If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your risks are much higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time that children have no reason to question!

Each of these things present you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.

Having said all this I do wish to add that some long distance relationships can and do work. if you are familiar with our forum on Collarncuffs you will know, to whom I am referring too. But I think even he will agree, it has been a long hard haul to the road of happiness…and his hard work has paid off…and we here at Collarncuffs wish him every happiness and a smooth journey forward for him and his Wife/Domme.

article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Posted on

Seeking professional Dommes

UPDATE 2024: Please note our community contains a more in-depth article contained within our FREE program “Femdom 101” for those new and starting out.

We here at Collarncuffs are often asked how do I know if she’s the right Prodomme for me, how do I find a Prodomme, what will she do to me, MissBitch has graciously supplied some answers on how to make your session a smooth success.

Whether you are a nervous jittery novice contemplating your first time experience, or a weekly visitor at your local house of Domination, this article will teach you, how to find the ProDomina of your dreams and how not to be Her nightmare. My conversations with numerous Mistresses over the years have revealed common experiences and preferences in regards to the conduct and procedure for booking appointments.

Below I outline crucial advice for submissives seeking a session with a ProDomme.

Table of Contents

List your fetishes.

Make a list of the your likes/dislikes. Pay attention to your fantasies, if you fantasize about a certain fetish frequently ­ usually you will enjoy it in session.

Prioritize your list into things that you

  • a) know you like,
  • b) are willing to try, and
  • c) do not want to do.

Don’t leave anything out because you are embarrassed or scared thinking the Mistress will lose respect for you. These mistakes will only keep you from realizing your true fantasies.

Determine your limits.

Go back over your list. Estimate your threshold for each activity by comparing it to prior experiences with intense sensations that you found erotic (or past S/M scenes). Realistically evaluate whether you want light, medium or heavy play in each area of interest. Remember that each activity may be combined with additional sensory input during a session, which will multiply your perception. Novices should start with light play only; you can always increase the intensity. And most importantly don’t say “you can do anything with me, Mistress” because an experienced ProDomme will use that opportunity to satisfy her most severe sadistic urges thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle it. Don’t try to impress by overstating your limits ­ you might not be happy with the results !!

Special equipment.

Some activities require specific toys and equipment. Figure out your special needs such as: suspension rig, cross dress wardrobe, electric shock devices, etc. Don’t assume that every Mistress can provide the correct equipment. Furthermore, if you have a specific fetish for something unusual such as “purple spotted granny knickers”, go out and buy some to present to the Mistress in session.

Decide what you need in a Prodomme.

Think about what are the most important qualities you would like to find in a Mistress. Consider such elements as personality, physical appearance, and style of play. Some Mistresses have a friendly, compassionate, flexible play style while other Mistresses have a distant, haughty, imperial play style. In order to learn about a client’s preferences, I often ask them

  • a) who they have seen in the past,
  • b) what worked with her, and
  • c) what did not work. Try going over your history to determine the fundamental characteristics for a successful encounter. Determine what sort of relationship you want. Do you like the short term, anonymity that a house, which employs several Dommes, can provide or do you prefer a long-term personal interaction with an independent Mistress?

Independent or house?

Decide which is right for you an independent Domme who works for herself or a ProDomme on staff at a house of domination. There are pros and cons for each. Women who work independently often have a private studio (sometimes shared with another Domme), are more experienced and sincere, and offer a more personal connection. However independents are generally more expensive, more selective about their submissives, and less likely to see you at the last minute. Houses are less expensive, convenient, and offer opportunity for group sessions. However, the Mistresses at a house are sometimes less experienced, and may not be genuinely into the scene.

Look at ads Keeping your own ProDomme needs in mind,

look at advertisements local papers, and on the web. Take cues from the ads regarding the attitude, interests, dislikes, intensity, and style of the Dommes. Look for mentions of your specific fetish but don’t assume that a Mistress is not into your scene just because it isn’t listed in her ad. Be wary of a ProDomme who doesn’t show her face ­ this denotes a reluctance to be associated with S/M, which I see as an indication that she isn’t really into the scene (*generalization ­ not true in every case). Do not allow yourself to be swayed away from your specific needs just because a Mistress looks good in photos or she is wearing your favorite fetish wear you will be disappointed if you are mismatched in other crucial areas.

Be careful Don’t think that less is more;

don’t try to save money by going to someone based on tribute alone, if she doesn’t know what she is doing she could seriously hurt you. If finances are a concern I advise visiting a well-known house of domination as opposed to an inexpensive Mistress who probably won’t have much equipment, wardrobe or experience and might not be safe. Dominas with fully equipped spaces and extensive wardrobes have high overhead, and demand a higher tribute, but they generally have more technical and safety expertise.

How to write a letter or email.

Write a polite, submissive, concise note outlining your specific interests including your thresholds (i.e. light spanking, heavy whipping, CBT). Enclose whatever information or tribute she has requested or you may not receive an answer. Dominas often screen applicants by ignoring the ones that fail to demonstrate their sincerity, this is necessary because so many applicants are insincere and Mistresses receive many letters and emails. Unless requested, you do not have to send a photo or jpeg of yourself. Clearly indicate the dates you going to be in her area if traveling and write well in advance as most Dommes get so much correspondence they can’t keep up. Including contact information (email, phone, pager) will greatly increase your sincerity rating in her eyes. If you are worried about discretion, get a pager or voicemail number or buy an inexpensive PO box. Believe Me, it is well worth the investment. Make sure your address or contact info is on every page of your letter ­ more than once I have lost the envelope for letters that only had the return address on the envelope. Finally wait and wait and wait for a reply. She is probably not going to have time to get back to you immediately.

Call

Of course you will be nervous when you call, that is expected, everybody is nervous. Just make the call. Experienced ProDommes are used to newer submissives Then follow my directions:

  • a) Introduce yourself before you start asking questions. Everyday I have to interrupt rude callers to find out whom I am speaking to…most annoying!
  • b) If you are making up a name choose something unusual instead of Bob, Steve, or John there are already too many of those make up something unusual and easy to remember ­ for both of you.
  • c) Call at a decent time.
  • d) If a receptionist answers, let her do her job. She is there to answer your questions and book appointments. Leaving a message for the Mistress probably won’t get a response unless she already knows you.
  • e) When speaking to a Dominatrix ask if she is seeing new clients, tell her what you want, ask questions about her facility, experience level, her specialties or interests, hours, tribute, etc. However, don’t try to press her into saying she does certain things such as golden showers, or dildo training. Those activities are illegal and she may not want to discuss them on the phone or she may deny that she does them. She may also not answer thinking you are after a free phone sex call. Indicate your interest in those areas and see if she still encourages you to visit her.
  • f) Remember that she is assessing you so don’t keep her on the phone with repetitive questions or idle chitchat, let her know that you respect and value her time.
  • g) Go ahead and tell her your secret desires, even if you feel embarrassed. She has probably heard it all before.
  • h) Don’t hang up when she answers or call just to hear her voice on the machine she might have caller ID *10# to call you back, and it will make her angry with you.
  • I) Don’t make an appointment if she seems overly pushy to book you, it sounds like you won’t like her, she is too bossy or disrespectful, or you seem mismatched.
  • j) Don’t book a time if you can’t make it or you aren’t really sure k) Write down the directions and address including suite number. Note any assignments she gives you and the answers to your questions so that you can review later.
  • k) If you can’t keep your appointment, call to cancel as soon as possible. She will appreciate it because no-shows cost money if she saves time for you.

The appointment Call to confirm as instructed.

Be on time. Leave if she seems to be drunk or on drugs because that is a very dangerous combination with Femdom. Leave if the ProDomme is not who you saw in the photo. Leave if there is no equipment or wardrobe (if these elements are important to you). Leave if the space is dirty or looks poorly maintained because it may indicate unsafe practices.

What to expect in session

A receptionist might answer the door, or the Mistress may answer in street clothes. You might have to wait in a room for her to finish up with another client. You might have to fill out a questionnaire about your likes/dislikes. You might be required to pay up front. You might be left to take off your clothes after a brief meeting with the Mistress (but legally she can’t tell you to undress without risk, so take a hint). She might give you a safe word (a word that will let her know you can’t take more of the same) before she starts to play. Act according to her directions – some Mistresses demand strict adherence to conduct befitting a slave, others don’t care if you act submissive. Don’t have unrealistic expectations ­ the session will not match your fantasies perfectly. And definitely do not bring a line-by-line script. Be open to her and let her do her thing ­ you might find it better than your script.

What NOT to expect in session.

Realize that when a Mistress says “no sex” she truly means it in the broadest interpretation. Know that she won’t be taking off her clothes, dancing, massaging, or letting you kiss intimate body parts… ­ go see someone else for these activities.

What to do so that she will let you come back.

Be clean. Be respectful. Be obedient. If you really want to make an impression, bring her a little something such as a gag, blindfold, scented candle or flowers. Go over your likes/dislikes with the receptionist or Domina so that it is fresh in her mind. You can bring a sheet about your interests but do not expect her to accept it. Speak up if she has pushed beyond your limits – a good Domme will appreciate the input without being threatened. Don’t try to impress by surpassing your limits. Understand that she may have another client waiting so don’t hang around so long that she has to come out and tell you about her next appointment. Help her to clean up. Demonstrate your gratitude ­ tell her how great the session was and that you want to see her again.

Tips

If she works in a house of domination, tip her. She only gets a percentage of the full tribute. It is not necessary to tip an independent Mistress

Follow Up

Afterwards write down your impressions, wait a few days to fully assess your reactions. Sometimes you will find activities that were unpleasant in session, are actually exciting afterwards. This is a common experience. Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, despised during, and relished after the act. That is a part of masochism ­ doing things that you don’t like. Evaluate whether you want to see her again and figure out the positive and negative elements so that you can pass that information on to the next Domina you see whether it is her or someone else. Adjust your list of limits if you have learned more about your preferences. When you call again don’t be vague saying “Hi, its Joe” ­ there are a lot of guys named Joe. Remind her of who you are by name, appearance, what you did in session, etc without her having to ask.

If you follow My advice you will know enough about your preferences and the protocol to realize your fantasies with the right Dominatrix

Resource Article : by MissBitch and MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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