In the distant past, in a land not very far away, new lovers would meet in clubs and bars, campuses and offices. They would share passion in dorm rooms, apartments and hotels. When they were apart, they’d spill their feelings through long handwritten pages of prose, and talk for hours over miles of telephone wire. If love went wrong, they’d murmur goodbye with the glance of a kiss or shout good riddance over the angry slam of a door.

But that was then . . .

Here and now, lovers are likely to meet online, track each other on My Space, grow intimate in Second Life and share ideas through their blogs. An illicit affair might be discovered in email, the breakup occurring via text message or AIM. Today, when relationships like these go through transitions, their ups and downs become the emotional flotsam of virtual space; the drama of public consumption. What’s left of purely private pain is found in the grief of each ending. But even then, online support groups soothe the misery of pining alone.

The term “social networking” and “social media” encompass the myriad ways we’ve come to integrate blogs, wikis, podcasts, networking sites, text messages, video phone, tagging, RSS feeds and other not yet invented but eventually ubiquitous innovations into our daily lives. Just like our working life is framed by these technologies, our romantic life, too, is built around them. Whether they serve or somehow diminish our emotional intelligence is a reasonable question to ask, but not one we can yet answer. Only one thing is for sure: this brave new word of social media, now unleashed, won’t be stuffed back into the virtual Pandora’s Box from whence it came. As the distinction between virtual life and real life grows ever more blurred, our relationships are changing to match. Soon, whatever distinctions between cyber and real still exist may become invisible or irrelevant.

Consider how Elliot and Bree navigated their way out of a brief, but intense, extramarital affair. Both were married to others, with no intention of leaving their spouses, and they knew their romance wasn’t meant for the long haul. Yet they chose to fling themselves into the fire, promising that when the time came to douse the flames they’d do it bravely. It was no surprise to anyone who knew Bree or Elliot that, when that day came, “goodbye” was not so easy to say. Neither one of them was ready to cut off contact completely, yet they were wary of having an extended relationship, or even an email relationship that might be discovered. They arrived at a compromise that that reflected their unusual circumstances and the little miracles created by the times we live in: they set up a public blog. Their blog was deliberately available to anybody, in theory, but in practice, the blog was a place where they could journal and communicate without committing to anything more. It was the perfect bridge between worlds for them, something that wouldn’t have been possible just a few years ago.

Whether committing to a relationship or untangling one, many people are using social media to announce changes, marking their transitions with brevity and strong symbolism rather than discussion or argument. Why, just a tiny change to one’s online profile on any social networking site can tell a complex tale, send a message to the world and put one’s lover on notice that times are a-changin’. Despite the fact that a profile change doesn’t sound like a kind or definitive way to deliver news, such changes are frequently made with all the fanfare of a mouse click. Is it any wonder then, that these days men and women obsessively scan the profiles of people they date for indications of subtle shifts in attitude – like going from “in a relationship” to “single” or “it’s complicated”? Changes in one’s online presence can communicate mood and emotion in almost the same way that tone of voice or body language does, both offering clues that beg to be decoded.

Of course, these methods can backfire as easily as they can enable the winds of change. When Amilee decided that she’d had enough of her boyfriend’s raucous nights out with the boys, in a fit of frustration she decided to take a stand by updating her MySpace profile, changing her status from “in a relationship” to “single.” She wasn’t exactly ready to break up with Jeremy; she was, however, inclined to send out the equivalent of a smoke signal to the gods asking them to send along a prince instead of a toad. She knew Jeremy wasn’t on MySpace, so her effort was her own acknowledgment that she was ready for something/someone better. However, Amilee forgot to consider the fact that even if Jeremy didn’t scan profiles, his friends did. When Jeremy’s best friend’s girlfriend was browsing MySpace, she saw Amilee’s “single” notation and immediately told her boyfriend, who told Jeremy. At that point Jeremy cut off the relationship with a stinging public comment on Amilee’s page for all the world to see.

Some social network users feel that there is a protocol to employing social media as a romantic intermediary, but few people know what, exactly, that protocol is. It seems there are as many versions of protocol as there are users. Because the world of social networking is so new, the etiquette is unformed. Common sense doesn’t always apply there, any more than it does between bloggers or listserve participants, who are prone to cruelties of communication in text that they’d never consider expressing face to face. The bluntness of a profile indicator, a demotion in favored number status, or a sharp comment left in a fit of pique can pack a walloping emotional punch because it is precise, cutting and humiliating in public.

At the onset of relationships, social media has begun to have impact, too. It can announce to friends that a couple is taking their pattern of hook-ups to the next level – but a premature shift in status from “single” to “in a relationship” on the part of just one partner can provoke rumbles of anxiety if the other one wasn’t consulted and isn’t ready. If two people haven’t had “the talk” that clearly defines them as more than dates, a “relationship” announcement in black and white can suffocate, and may even send the undecided one running for a new playmate.

Of course, the very fact that relationships issues are not discussed – just announced in social-code – can bode poorly for a budding relationship. When MySpace or Facebook takes the place of genuine discussion, perhaps the symbolism applies to both partners, stating that neither is ready for a “real” relationship quite yet. And then there’s the matter of cell phones. What happens to a frequent chat /text habit between friends when one changes carriers and is no longer affordably accessible? When their 30 daily text messages start costing? Can the relationship stand the heat? Researchers show that cell phone connections enhance bonds between users, especially among those under 25 – and that the ability to free-connect to friends is the reason people choose one network over another. But if circumstances force a change, can the love survive? Does a Verizon networker have to choose between their friends and an iPhone (restricted to AT&T)?

With so much uncertain in the cyber-social sphere, at least one thing is guaranteed: relationships will be born and transition in and out of existence just as they always have. It’s the methods, the technologies, and the creativity with which they shape-shift that we need more time to fully comprehend. Of course, given the exponential speed with which social networks and the media that support them are changing, it’s most likely that just when we begin to understand the latest iteration, a whole new world will open up – and we’ll be back at the beginning all over again.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article Dr Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

The Art of Flirting Online

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker:How to Transition from Online To Real Time I hear some version of this sad story nearly every day:

Online we were so good, so hot, it was easy to talk to and tease each other. I thought it would be just as good when we met, but instead it felt so awkward. We never recovered from that, and our online thing just petered out.

The Art of Flirting For the Social Networker:How to Transition from Online To Real Time

Even if you’re sporting a well-developed persona online, it won’t necessarily transfer to RL. The reasons are varied, but the most important has to do with the fact that you are so much more relaxed and attentive behind the monitor. Your brain isn’t over-flowing with worries like “what does he think of me?” or “does she think I’m as phat as I think she is?” The boundary between cyber and RL is getting slimmer every day, but it’s still thick enough for cyberplay to continue being more protective of our egos than RL. In a relaxed and uninhibited state, it’s much easier to flirt. You can be fearless! And that’s the key right there. In real life, you become more of whoever you are when you’re afraid. That is, if you tend to be tongue-tied when afraid, or if you get overly talkative or more aggressive and confrontational, those qualities come to the forefront, hiding some of your most desirable aspects. In fact, they hide the very qualities that come across so well online.

To make matters worse, fear impedes your ability to control your body talk. When anxious, all your little quirks are exaggerated, and your capacity for strategy goes out the window. That may be your most serious handicap, because seductive body language is the secret to winning the game-set portion of any RL match.

Eighty percent of a first impression rests on how you move, stand, make eye contact, and express your interest nonverbally. Very little of the first impression comes from what you say. The tone of your voice – that is, the sound and cadence of it, not the words themselves – also weighs in. If your voice is weak and shallow, if your body is pulled back and stiff, or hyperactive and fidgety, you can blow things at hello. Why is this particularly important for social networkers to know? Your relationships online are based almost entirely on language use and its impact upon perception. You come alive to others through the words you use. Your body language, which could probably be best described as “slumped over the keyboard,” has little to do with the impression you make. Flirting in real life means honing a communication style in which social networkers tend to be least fluent. The anxiety and awkwardness you feel in RL is understandably a reflection of lack of comfort with your body and insufficient practice using it as your communicator.

Of course, the smarts that you play with online are as valuable in RL as anywhere in cyberspace – they just aren’t usually the meat of a first impression, nor are they sufficient to give you confidence as a bona fide flirt. To become comfortable in RL, new learning can’t develop inside your head or through an avatar; it requires actual practice. In that respect, flirting is a lot like dancing. You need to release fear and relax your body, while simultaneously paying attention to your movements. Yes, “relax and concentrate” sounds almost paradoxical – which is why, like dancing, flirting has to be practiced. You can’t head-trip your way to a successful flirting style – you have to do the physical deed over and over again until your body owns the experience.

Here are suggestions for flirt-worthy moves that you can practice daily with almost anybody. After you’ve mastered them, you’ll feel more confident and in charge of yourself when approaching someone whose response truly matters.

• 1) Sit and stand straight; move with confidence. Proper posture really does matter a lot! Watch some of your favorite actors move with easy grace on screen and follow their lead. Don’t swivel or swagger; don’t over-do; just relax and move like you’re perfectly happy to share your billions of dollars and even greater wealth of heart. Remember that when you meet someone, the way you silently enter the room and sit down will be your first impression, and this can carry more weight than anything you do with your mouth open over the subsequent hour.
• 2) Use your eyes to connect. The more intimate you want to be with someone, the broader your “zone of attention” can be. In business, you want to look primarily at the upper face as you “meet their eyes.” This term is a bit misleading though, because you don’t want to stare straight into someone’s eyes at all. Rather, shift your focus from eye to eye or take in their eyes and whole face simultaneously. When you are intimately interested in someone your zone of attention can become more encompassing, often taking in the most alluring bits: chest, shoulders, lips. Watching someone’s lips as they talk can be flirtatious and signal you are thinking thoughts about their mouth that go far beyond speech. In any social situation, though, you want to be looking at the person you’re talking with – never down at your hands, at the floor, over their shoulder, or around the room. This takes lots of practice, especially for social networkers who are adept multi-taskers. If your attention wanders easily to the newest incoming stimulus, you’ll need to put a strong rein on this habit.
• 3) Shift your body subtly in the direction of the other person, as if they are the sun and you are a vine that grows toward the light. For instance, lean forward a little as the other person speaks; angle your body in their direction rather than away; cross your leg so that your toe is pointing at them.
• 4) Mirror: Watch the other person’s body language and mirror their positive moves. If they take a sip of their drink and then lean forward, wait a moment and do something similar – but not necessarily an exact imitation. If they cross their leg in your direction, wait 40-60 seconds and do the same. Yes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In this case, you’re saying, “I like you” with your gestures and forming an unspoken connection.
• 5) To increase the intensity of flirtation, use touch. As you’re speaking, emphasize a point by lightly touching the other’s arm or knee. Lean in when you’re laughing and touch them as if to underscore the joke. This will suggest a certain intimacy (unless it suggests drunkenness!) and might even be viewed as a come-on, so be judicious here. You don’t want to do this in business or with someone you aren’t interested in pursuing, unless you are close friends and touch comes naturally.
• 6) Match your body talk and vocal tone. Again, pay attention to your favorite actors and actresses in roles where they seem to be flirting. Notice how body and the voice compliment one another. Watch a scene depicting flirtation in a foreign film, then turn off the subtitles (DVDs usually let you do this in set-up). Notice how vocal inflections and conversational melodies work with body language to signal sexual interest, even in the absence of understandable dialog. This just goes to show how little the actual words matter – quite unlike the online experience, where words transmit 98% of the message.
• 7) If you’re a woman, touch yourself. (No…not like that!) Capturing someone’s attention can be as simple as imagining that you feel a cool breeze or a tickle on your skin and are “unconsciously” reacting by mirroring the sensation with your fingers. Practice running fingertips across your throat or the top of your chest; drag them over your shoulder and down the side of your arm. These moves can send an “innocently” sensual signal. You’ll want to save this tactic for when you’re deep into a conversation and avoid doing it more than once or twice. Like the act of sensually applying lipstick while someone watches – a no-no in polite company but ultra come-hither when flirting – self-touch can be a powerful move. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t want to pull the trigger on the big guns of flirtation unless you’re hankering for return fire.

Start practicing the art of body talk in situations where the outcome isn’t terribly important, and you’ll be surprised how soon these moves become second nature. Then your confidence will soar, along with your fluency as a RL flirt!

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made

Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

Every time there’s a new innovation in technology, people apply it to sexual expression. The printing press? Chaucer’s bawdy tales put English on the map. Photography? Brand-new “French” postcards made life in the Civil War bearable. Cars? That’s how lovers’ lanes started. Every such enhancement of sexuality appalls some observers, who predict a virulent outbreak of promiscuity and depravity that will destroy civilization. The video game now joins this distinguished history – both in its sexual applications, and in the fear these usages have inspired.

I spoke at the first annual Sex in Video Games conference in San Francisco in June. The conference covered various genres, from the poke-the-doll version played by solitary individuals, to the alternative universe version played simultaneously by hundreds of thousands of men and women. We can deride these computer games as a juvenile waste of time, but their usage is a fascinating window into human eroticism. For example, why does every large multi-player alternative reality game eventually evolve virtual prostitution? Why do so many players feel free to indulge in a wider level of sexual experimentation – and communication – than they do in “real life”?

Sooner or later, someone always worries that playing these games will seduce people into withdrawing from their real lives. While this isn’t an unreasonable concern, it frequently expresses prejudice. There is a stigma attached to online activity, negative assumptions about the activities and the players themselves. Uninformed critics – including psychotherapists – speculate about game-playing being a form of avoidance, leading to isolation, encouraging superficiality, and supporting psychological laziness. In other words, people who interact with others in online worlds are losers; instead of reading comics or shooting pool, losers now populate virtual worlds and online communities. This is a dual prejudice – about both sex and about online worlds. We could just as easily investigate how games facilitate enriched interactions, both online and in “real life.”

Assumptions that online sexuality is shallow betrays a simplistic (and rather common) view of sexuality. When asked, most adult men and women reveal that the emotional and psychological features of sexual experiences are their most compelling parts. That’s why people describe “foreplay” as more mental than physical preparation. That’s why most S/M involves words and symbols more than the application of whip to flesh. And that’s why so many people prefer lingerie to nudity – because it invites the imagination to participate in the looking. The popularity – and depth of experience – of online sexuality proves this once again. People who casually (or angrily, for some reason) condemn online sexual experiences as barren might as well pathologize people who would rather cuddle or kiss than have intercourse. Are those outercourse gourmets afraid of closeness? Anxious about performance? A more sophisticated observer might wonder, in contrast, if such people are more erotically focused, with a wider sexual vocabulary.

Many psychologists and marriage counselors are uncomfortable with “real world” sex, and even more so when the sex is online. Most professionals get virtually no training in the nuances of alternative sexuality – again, sex that honestly admits the enormous role of imagination, psychological experimentation, and self-acceptance – and so of course online sex can look barren or silly. It’s time that therapists (not to mention “morality” leaders) educated themselves about the complexity of human eroticism, rather than relying on simplistic dichotomies of “intimate and healthy” versus “perverse” or “addictive.”

If you spend a lot of time online, if some of your major relationship or sexual experiences are online, only you can decide whether your activity is more nurturing or more isolating. As in all sexual and relationship ventures, the first step is being honest with yourself.

About the Author:

Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for 25 years. He has aimed his entire career toward a single set of goals: telling the truth about sexuality, helping people feel sexually adequate & powerful, and supporting the healthy sexual expression and exploration of women and men.

Marty has written five books and over 100 articles on sexuality. His books have been acclaimed by everyone from USA Today to The California Therapist to the Playboy Advisor. He has also written and published 7 sets of training CDs for therapists. His wit and expertise make him a frequently-quoted expert appearing in Newsweek, USA Today, The New York Times, and even Ann Landers. A tireless speaker, Marty has given over 600 keynote speeches, training programs, and popular lectures to professional and lay groups across the country. He has also trained professionals in countries including Russia, Israel, Morocco, Latvia, Austria, Turkey, and Croatia.

Marty publishes Sexual Intelligence, the monthly online newsletter about culture, politics, the media, and sex. It goes to 5,000 subscribers and can be seen at www.SexualIntelligence.org. Known and respected by his colleagues, Marty has been honored by both the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality and the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists.

Article Dr. Marty Klein © CollarNcuffs.com

Online and off, we all try to put our best foot forward, emphasizing our good traits and downplaying the ones we consider less desirable. Different from face-to-face meetings, online we each decide what to disclose and what to keep to ourselves. Even with pics and cams, there is room to choose how to portray yourself to someone who can’t see you in real time until you’re ready to show them.

People naturally display flattering pictures of themselves (sometimes younger – less wrinkled, more hair, thinner), use backdrops, clothing color and even Photoshop to maximize skin tones, and crop and alter on their own behalf. In text, the many synonyms for attractive are commonplace online – good-looking, easy-on-the-eyes, hot, eye-catching, etc. You may also hear about wealth, profession and other traits considered desirable, including “whiteness.” The culture of personal ads seems to reflect the racial hierarchy offline – with people either preferring partners of their same race and ethnicity or someone white.

A 2003 study of personal ads on Yahoo! found that Black, Latino and Asian men were more likely to express a race preference for a partner than White men. Men looking for male partners were more likely to express their race preferences than men looking for female partners. Gay Black and Latino men were less likely to have a race preference than Asian or White gay men.

Whether a person mentions his preference of race for a potential partner in an online profile reflects his own sensitivity to race and ethnicity. You could argue that people who don’t mention race are actually race-blind in their selection of partners. But it may also be that they don’t understand racial dynamics and politics. Whether a person advertises “all races welcome” or “African-American woman preferred,” if he mentions race and ethnicity, he is someone who is aware that skin color has an effect on the development of intimate relationships in our society.

In the gay community, there is a strong feeling among black men in particular that they are subject to sexual objectification online. Men who look for black men online are typically expecting a well-endowed “bottom” (the receiver during anal sex). Some say this reeks of the times of slavery and racism. Preferences of other racial and ethnic minorities, gay or straight, may also be tinged with stereotypes – a docile, exotic Asian person; a passionate, fiery Latino partner, etc.

What does this mean for you? It means that you have more options online to be clear about who you find desirable, and more opportunities to meet the object of your desire. But it also means you have more opportunities to potentially continue existing cultural stereotypes of people based on their looks, backgrounds and how much they earn.

I’d suggest working to change those stereotypes, through virtual words and actions. Be aware of the luxury of being able to find your fantasy-mate online – but also be aware that behind that fantasy lives a real, living, breathing, complex person.

About the Author:

Deb Levine, M.A. is a health and sex educator in Oakland, California. She has been an online advice columnist for more than 10 years, first as Alice of Columbia University’s award-winning Go Ask Alice website and then as Delilah for the Oxygen network. She has appeared on E!, The O’Reilly Factor, and NBC Nightly News, among other national and local shows. She has been quoted in such magazines as Cosmo, Mademoiselle, Maxim, and Men’s Health. Deb has authored “The Joy of Cybersex: A Guide for Creative Lovers.” (New York: Ballantine Books, 1998), “Virtual Attraction: What Rocks Your Boat.” CyberPsychology & Behavior, Special Issue on Sexuality and the Internet (2000), and “Breaking Through Barriers: Wilderness Therapy for Sexual Assault Survivors.” Women & Therapy (1994).

She was responsible for supervising Thrive Online’s interactive programming devoted to healthy living in the areas of nutrition, fitness, sexuality, and general health. She has developed sexual-health content for a dual platform site on AOL and the Web. She has also participated in HIV prevention, sexual assault, nutrition, body image, conflict resolution, and self-esteem programming for students, staff and faculty.

Article by Deb Levine, M.A. © CollarNcuffs.com