Introduction to Submissive Rules in Femdom BDSM Relationships
Submissive rules play a pivotal role in Femdom BDSM (Female Dominant) relationships, serving as the cornerstone for establishing a controlled and consensual dynamic between the Dominant and the submissive. These rules are not mere guidelines but are instead carefully crafted regulations that define the behavior, responsibilities, and boundaries within the relationship. They help create a structured environment where both parties can engage in their respective roles with clarity and mutual understanding.
Just so we’re all on the same page, rules for a subs are expectations of duties, tasks or services you want your submissive to perform on a regular basis, without you explicitly having to tell them.
They are set by the Domme, creating a somewhat of a structure to the relationship.
Rules create a proactive envoirment and not a reactive one (not waiting to be told, instructed or ordered to)
Rules are varied, depend upon your style of dominance and submission, and any list of rules you create will naturally evolve over time. In my time, our rules have morphed tens of times. Some have stayed the same.
Less rules are easier to maintain consistency. Consistency is what submissive crave.
The significance of submissive rules in Femdom BDSM relationships cannot be overstated. For the Femdom, these rules provide a framework to exercise control, ensure compliance, and enhance the overall power dynamic. For the submissive, the rules offer a clear sense of purpose and direction, allowing them to better focus on pleasing and serving their Dominant. Through these explicitly defined expectations, both parties can navigate their roles more effectively, which in turn fosters a deeper level of trust, respect, and intimacy. This helps to create the power exchange.
Furthermore, these rules are crucial for establishing boundaries and ensuring safety within the relationship. By clearly laying out what is allowed/permissible and what is not, both the Dominant and the submissive can engage in their dynamic without fear of overstepping boundaries or encountering unexpected situations. This level of transparency is essential for maintaining consent and preventing any potential misunderstandings or conflicts.
Whether you are new to the Femdom BDSM scene or an experienced practitioner, this guide will provide you with valuable insights and practical tips on creating an effective and enjoyable set of submissive rules for your male submissive. From basic rules on daily behavior to more intricate protocols for specific scenarios, our comprehensive guide aims to help you foster a respectful, fulfilling, and consensual power dynamic in your Femdom BDSM relationship.
Understanding Submissive Rules
Submissive rules are fundamental components within a dominant-submissive (D/s) relationship, intended to establish clear boundaries and expectations for the submissive partner. At their core, these rules are designed to promote discipline, obedience, and trust between the dominant (Domme) and submissive (sub). By providing a framework within which the sub operates, submissive rules ensure a structured environment that can foster growth and mutual understanding.
It is important to differentiate between rules and commands in the context of a D/s relationship. Rules are pre-established guidelines that the submissive is expected to adhere to consistently. They cover various aspects of behavior and interaction, ensuring that the sub maintains a certain level of conduct and conformity. Commands, on the other hand, are specific directives given by the Domme, often requiring immediate action or response. While commands may be temporary or situational, rules are ongoing and persistent, forming the bedrock of behavioral expectations.
Commands you give are one-off instructions which only apply then and there.
For example, “you’re cooking dinner tonight pick three recipes for me to choose from” is a command. It’s situational depending upon your wants as a Dominant at that moment in time.
However, if you find yourself wanting your sub to cook for you often, then you can make this command into a formal rule such as
Every Friday you should text me three meal choices, and once I’ve chosen, you’ll cook it for me that evening.
The primary purpose of submissive rules is to provide structure and support, enabling the sub to thrive within the relationship. These rules serve as a guiding compass, defining acceptable actions and behaviors while reinforcing the dynamic power exchange between the Domme and sub. When implemented thoughtfully, submissive rules not only promote obedience and discipline but also bolster the sub’s sense of security and trust in the Dominants leadership.
Furthermore, these rules can encompass a wide range of areas, from daily routines and personal care to communication protocols and specific rituals. By adhering to such rules, subs demonstrate their commitment to the relationship and their willingness to surrender control to their Dom. Ultimately, a well-crafted set of submissive rules can help cultivate a deep, fulfilling bond, where both partners feel respected, valued, and deeply connected.
Here’s another example. The command “Tonight you will pleasure me with your tongue” could become any number of rules:
If you wake up before me on the weekend, you should lick me till I tell you to stop!
If I’m watching TV and remove my panties, you are expected to lick me until I say you can stop.
When I return home your first words should be “would Mistress like an Orgasm?”
These are all rules because they happen each and every time the situation arises without exception.
Who Are Submissive Rules Really For?
Submissive rules play a pivotal role in the dynamic between Dominants and their submissives, particularly male subs. These guidelines are not arbitrarily set but thoughtfully crafted to bring out the best in both participants of a consensual power exchange relationship. Understanding who benefits from submissive rules is instrumental in appreciating their value and function.
For male subs, submissive rules serve as a foundation that provides clear expectations and a sense of security. By knowing exactly what is expected of them, subs can fully immerse themselves in their role, reducing ambiguity and potential stress. These rules outline the behaviors, actions, and responsibilities that are acceptable, helping subs to navigate their dynamic with confidence and clarity. The sense of accountability and structure can also be profoundly fulfilling for subs, as it reaffirms their commitment to the relationship and their Dominant. This structure often leads to personal growth, as it challenges subs to meet and occasionally surpass the set expectations.
Conversely, Dominants also reap significant benefits from the establishment of submissive rules. These rules provide a structured framework through which Dominants can exert control, manage behavior, and enhance the dynamics of the relationship. With clear guidelines in place, Dominants can focus on leading and nurturing their subs without the noise of uncertainty and miscommunication. The rules act as a tool for reinforcing authority and ensuring that the relationship aligns with the consensual power dynamics both parties have agreed upon. This structure also serves as a touchstone, allowing Dominants to address any deviations from established norms in a manner that is fair yet firm.
Overall, submissive rules are for both the Dominant and the submissive, forming the backbone of a healthy, consensual relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, and shared objectives. They ensure that both parties’ needs and boundaries are met while fostering an environment of trust and growth. The implementation of these rules solidifies the relationship dynamic, making it more resilient and rewarding for everyone involved.
You might think the rules you give to your submissive are designed to make him/her do what you want. That’s partly true, but doesn’t capture the entire essence of what their purpose is
SOME rules are just that. Things that make your life as a dominant easier, as well as things you want sexually.
However, you should also remember that your role as a dominant is to care for and help your sub grow as a person. And therefore you probably want some rules for your sub which are designed to encourage that.
For example, a basic sub rule that only addresses your pleasure might be:
- When I return home from work I expect a glass of water/coffee/beverage of choice to be waiting for me.
Whereas a rule designed to nurture her as a person might be:
- At least once a week you should spend an hour alone reading your favourite book.
This rule would be perfect for a submissive who is unable to switch off, gets stressed easily, or is not good at taking care of himself because he is constantly making sure you, and other people, are cared for.
You may also want rules which serve to grow your relationship.
- Every Sunday evening you will write down three things that could be improved in our relationship and read them to me.
This would help you understand where you might be able to improve aspects of yourself, things which you may not be able to see without another’s perspective.
So remember, rules you give your submissive don’t only have to be sexual and for your pleasure. They may also:
- Help him/her relax
- Help you notice areas you could improve upon
- Identify relationship weaknesses to improve
- Help him/her achieve what they wants in life
- Calm and relax him/her
- Keep him/her focused and in the present moment
- Learn a new skill
- Do things which you know you’ll both benefit from (e.g. research our next play toy or holiday designation, pick out three outfits for me you think I’d look good in. find me those pink heels I’ve been looking for, etc )
When to Set Rules for Your Sub
Establishing submissive rules at the onset of a Dominant/submissive relationship is crucial for laying a solid foundation. Early rule-setting provides clear expectations and helps in developing trust and understanding. When both parties agree on the boundaries and responsibilities, it fosters a more cohesive dynamic from the beginning. Introducing rules early on allows the submissive to immerse themselves in their role with clarity and purpose, enhancing the relationship’s overall harmony.
However, setting rules should not be a one-time event; it is a gradual process that unfolds as the relationship grows and evolves. Initially, focus on fundamental rules that address the core aspects of the dynamic, such as communication protocols, daily routines, and behavior expectations. These basics serve as a scaffold, supporting the submissive in their new role and allowing them to adjust comfortably.
As the relationship develops, regular review and adjustments of these rules are imperative. Situations change, as do the needs and desires of both the Dominant and the submissive. Periodic evaluations ensure that the rules remain relevant and effective. This ongoing process also allows for the introduction of more complex rules over time. It’s important to be receptive to the submissive’s feedback during these reviews, as their comfort and willingness play a significant role in the sustained success of the relationship.
Introducing changes or new rules should be approached with open communication. Gradual implementation helps in managing the submissive’s adaptation process, avoiding overwhelming them with too many changes at once. Every new rule should be clearly explained, detailing the reasons behind it and the expected outcomes. This transparency not only cements the submissive’s understanding but also enhances their commitment to adhere to the rules.
Setting and Wording Submissive Rules
Establishing effective submissive rules is a nuanced process that necessitates a thoughtful approach from the Dominant. The primary objective is to create a structure that enhances the dynamic while also respecting the needs and boundaries of the submissive. The first step in setting these rules is open and transparent communication between the Dominant and the submissive. Both parties must engage in an honest dialogue to discuss their expectations, desires, and limits. This ensures that all rules are mutually understood and agreed upon, forming the foundation of a harmonious relationship dynamic.
When phrasing submissive rules, clarity is of utmost importance. Rules should be explicit, leaving no room for ambiguity. For example, instead of stating “be respectful,” a more specific instruction such as “always address the Dominant as ‘Mistress/Ma’am/insert own variable here’ unless instructed otherwise” provides clarity and eliminates potential misunderstandings. Clear language fosters a sense of security and predictability, which is crucial for the submissive’s comfort and adherence to the established rules.
In addition to clear wording, it is vital to consider the unique needs and limits of the submissive. Each individual has their boundaries, and it is the Dominant’s responsibility to respect and integrate these limits into the rule-setting process.
Understanding aspects such as the submissive’s emotional triggers, daily routines, and personal commitments will allow the Dominant to craft rules that are not only enforceable but also respectful of the submissive’s well-being. For instance, a rule concerning daily check-ins might be adjusted to accommodate the submissive’s work schedule, ensuring it is feasible and not burdensome.
The dynamic of the relationship also plays a significant role in rule-setting. Whether the relationship is oriented more towards power exchange, caretaking, or discipline, the rules should reflect and support this dynamic. They should serve as tools to strengthen the bond and enhance the shared experiences of the Dominant and submissive. Regularly revisiting and revising the rules is another key aspect, ensuring that they remain relevant and effective as the relationship evolves. The process of setting and wording submissive rules is thus an ongoing, collaborative effort that adapts to the needs and growth of both parties involved.
A basic sub rule for one submissive, might not suit another!
When I started on my journey to being a Domme and looking for submissive man to date, I wasn’t sure what basic rules for a sub I should be using? My journey started pre internet but even as time moved on and the BBoards of old came about, I still wasn’t 100% sure.
Today thankfully, there are many articles on the internet that list all the basic rules for a sub you could use, but they were somewhat scattered and seem to be offering different levels of authority. You can still find yourself fishing many websites, copying and pasting into word processors, and then categorising, rewording, and adding yourown own.
Some of the rules for the subs were not compatible with my style of play. As an example, a basic rule for a submissive slave-style relationship might be:
- Slave should not speak to his Mistress unless spoken to
Whilst I might set this as a rule if I was to run a high protocol BDSM scene as a one-off, it isn’t something I would want enforced all day every day. I like conversation. I want to hear opinions. Companionship as well as service is what I crave!
Some basic rules for submissives I read were spot on, and did reflect my kinks and fetishes and my desire for a partner. For example, the rule below appeals to me very much but maybe it doesn’t to you.
For myself the above is one that I would consider a basic for a sub in the type of dynamic I want/have.
Which all goes to show, that one basic rule for a sub in one D/s relationship isn’t the same for another. Not only do you have to factor in the type of dominant you are and the type of submissive he is, but you also need to think about your experience levels.
If your submissive has been practising BDSM for years, then what he considers a basic sub rule is probably going to be different from what a beginner submissive deems basic.
As an example, the rule:
- He must wear a butt plug for at least one hour day day
might seem impossible and downright scary as a rule for a beginner sub. But for a more experience sub, he may look at that and say ‘Only an hour?’ WTF?
Likewise, the submissive might have a hard limit when it comes to anal play, regardless of his experience level. And so any basic sub rules which the dominant wants to do with anal must be taken off the table. Hard limits are NOT negotiable and consent matters.
Deciding on your list of basic rules for is a matter of personal preference, and the list you have with one submissive may not be the list or rules you use for another submissive. This is YOUR submissive, not someones elses. Set rules for you and yours and ignore others.
Your list will most likely also evolve over time as your Domme sub relationship evolves. Remember you can always ADD, subtracting or forgetting rules doesn’t make a Domme look very good.
When and how to set submissive rules
When should you set your sub rules? Do you write them down on a piece of paper? Store them electronically? Tell them to your sub one by one?
In my situation after a few plays and getting to know each other and preferences, both sexually and generally. I usually begin formatting my rules. I also incorporated rules from a previous Domme sub relationship which I enjoyed. I then listed out the submissive rules in a document on my computer.
My sub and I then talked through the list or rules, so I could check if there were any he didn’t think she’d be able to follow, or had hesitations about. Remember your submissive has opinions too!
I obviously want him to ENJOY following the rules (remember being a dominant is not just about serving yourself) which is why these discussions and good communication is important.
Submissives that have served another in the past might also have ideas for rules, perhaps from previous Domme, or perhaps just something they enjoy doing for you and it brings them pleasure. Those should be added to the list if you find them pleasing.
After some back and forth you’ll start forming a good starting list of rules for your sub, and you’ll both be in agreement on them. Negotiating isn’t hard with open communication.
Some Rule Ideas to get you started
If your style of dominance is less S&M and more caring, nurturing, whilst also incorporating elements of service, and a strong sex element.
Here is the list of rules we started for everyday use:
- I will make my body available to Her for use at any time, and act as Her sexual plaything.
- I will learn to worship and crave Her strapon, relishing every opportunity to please it.
- I will respond with “Thank you, Mistress/My Lady/name of your choice” after every orgasm I have in Her presence.
- I will learn the list of voice commands (given previously) and adopt the positions quickly and accurately when instructed.
- I will take the time to communicate my thoughts and feelings, preferably in written form, so She knows which parts of my service I enjoy and which areas can be improved.
- I will keep hair free for Her viewing pleasure. Clipped is acceptable.
- My orgasms belong to Her. I shall not have one without first asking her permission.
- My ass belongs to Mistress. I give her full permission to use at any time of the day or night. Mistress will always ask if there is any issues prior.
- I will practise anal training until I can take Mistress strapon cock with ease.
- I will accompany her to kink events when requested
- At home I shall be naked at all times, unless otherwise requested. Weather allowing.
- I shall think up creative ways to show Her my submissive side when She’s not around over text or email.
- I will learn her routines and do everything I can to anticipate her needs and provide assistance through service. This may include everything from sexual services to housework and chauffeuring.
- I understand that failure to comply with these rules will result in punishment and re-training. Punishment will depend on the severity of the infraction.
I prefer to keep the list short and add rules onto the list as and when I think of something I don’t like doing, something I want sexually, or something I feel my sub needs in order to grow. As my sub learns the new rules I re-enforce their positive behaviour with rewards (a part of their submissive training).
Your list of rules for your submissive may be even shorter, and that’s absolutely fine, even encouraged, if you are just starting out. It’s better to have one rule which is enforced and you both enjoy, than 100 where only a handful are followed haphazardly.
Categories of Submissive Rules
Below is a list of submissive rules which you can use to get ideas. As always, pick the ones what most suit the type of dominant you are and best suit the Domme sub relationship you have.
I’ve prefixed each rule with the main category it belongs to. Some rules fall into multiple rules, but you get the idea.
Setting rules for male submissives is an essential part of establishing a clear and structured dynamic within a BDSM relationship. These guidelines not only define expectations but also maintain the Dominant’s control and ensure the submissive’s compliance. Submissive rules can be categorized into several distinct groups, each addressing different aspects of behavior and interaction.
General Rules
General rules are the foundation of submissive behavior and include basic expectations that must be adhered to at all times. These might encompass manners, communication protocols, and respect. For instance, a sub might be required to always address the Dominant with a specific title, respond promptly to messages, or maintain a respectful tone in all interactions.
House Rules
House rules pertain to the submissive’s domestic responsibilities and behavior within the home. These could include tasks like daily household chores, maintaining personal hygiene to the Dominant’s standards, or following a set schedule. An example of a house rule is ensuring the home is tidy at all times or preparing meals at specified times.
Public Rules
Public rules dictate the submissive’s conduct in social settings. These rules ensure the submissive upholds certain behaviors that reflect the Dominant’s wishes even when not in a private setting. Examples might include not speaking unless spoken to, maintaining a specific physical posture, or displaying subtle signs of submission such as wearing a discreet collar.
Slave Rules
Slave rules are more intense and might be applied to a deeper level of servitude. These rules often involve detailed protocols regarding obedience and service. For example, a submissive might be required to perform rituals, adhere to a more extensive dress code, or submit to more rigorous forms of discipline and training.
Remote Rules
Remote rules are essential for maintaining the power dynamic when the Dominant and submissive are not physically together. These rules might include checking in at certain times, completing tasks, or following digital communication protocols. An example would be the submissive sending a morning and evening report of their activities and feelings.
Sex Rules
Sex rules define permissible sexual behaviors and activities. These rules ensure that all sexual interactions are consensual and within the boundaries set by the Dominant. Examples might include granting permission before engaging in any sexual activity, following specific instructions regarding sexual positions, or adhering to guidelines on self-pleasure.
Examples of Submissive Rules for Beginners
Setting clear and concise submissive rules is essential for a fulfilling and respectful D/s relationship. For beginner male subs, these rules facilitate structure and provide a foundation for their submissive journey. Below are a few examples of submissive rules that cater to various aspects of the dynamic. These suggestions are adaptable to meet the unique needs and preferences of each relationship.
Daily Check-Ins
A daily check-in rule requires the submissive to provide a summary of their day to the Dominant. This practice fosters communication and accountability. For instance, “Every evening, you must text me a summary of your day, highlighting any challenges and victories.” This rule ensures that the submissive remains engaged and allows the Dominant to offer guidance and support.
Dress Code
Implementing a dress code can enhance the feeling of control and help the submissive embody their role. An example might be, “You will wear designated clothing on specific days as a sign of your submission.” This rule can be adjusted for various commitments or comfort levels, such as professional attire for workdays and more casual or symbolic garments at home. for EG I like my subs at home to be either naked where possible or in loose clothing (seasonal) that allow me easy access and a way to be discreet if required. For myself this was track pants (sweats) when my children where still at home. Track Pants offered easy access and discreet access when needed. They didn’t look out of place and suited our needs wonderfully!
Manners and Etiquette
Manners rules can instill a sense of decorum and respect. A basic rule might include, “You must always address me as ‘My love’ or ‘Madam,’ and use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in all requests.” This reinforces the Dominant’s authority and enhances mutual respect within the dynamic.
Personal Hygiene and Self-Care
Ensuring the submissive maintains good hygiene and self-care routines is another important rule. For example, “You must perform a daily grooming and self-care routine, including showering, brushing teeth, and grooming facial hair.” This rule ensures the submissive’s well-being and preparedness to serve. But this rule also gives a submissive a sense of self worth and pride in themselves by always looking their personal best for ME.
Curfews and Schedules
Setting a curfew helps maintain order and discipline. A typical curfew rule might be, “You must be home by 10 PM on weekdays, except with prior approval.” This structure reinforces the Dominant’s control over the submissive’s time, ensuring predictability and reliability in their conduct.
Review and Adaptation of Submissive Rules
The process of reviewing and adapting submissive rules is integral to maintaining their effectiveness and relevance within a Femdom BDSM relationship. Regular check-ins between the Dominant and submissive are essential for assessing the impact of these rules. These check-ins provide an opportunity for both parties to discuss any challenges that may have arisen and to identify areas where adjustments might be necessary. Open communication during these sessions is paramount, allowing both the Dominant and submissive to express their feelings, concerns, and feedback in a safe and respectful environment.
A critical facet of this ongoing review process is the recognition that flexibility is necessary for the rules to remain pertinent and practical. Life circumstances, personal growth, and evolving dynamics within the relationship can all necessitate rule modifications. It is important to remember that the primary objective of these rules is to enhance the bond between the Dominant and submissive, promoting a healthy and dynamic connection. As such, the ability to adapt these regulations when needed ensures that the relationship remains fulfilling for both parties involved.
Effective adaptation of submissive rules starts with setting a regular schedule for reviews. Whether these reviews occur weekly, monthly, or quarterly, what matters is establishing a consistent pattern that both parties can rely on. During these sessions, discussing the perceived impact of current rules and any shifts in personal needs or desires is crucial. Identifying rules that may need tightening or loosening, adding new stipulations, or removing outdated ones are all part of the dynamic adjustment process.
Ultimately, the continuous review and adaptation process underscores the importance of communication and mutual respect in a Femdom BDSM relationship. Ensuring that submissive rules are continuously aligned with the needs and preferences of both the Dominant and the submissive is a testament to the strength and resilience of the bond they share. By remaining open to change and prioritizing dialogue, couples can navigate the complexities of their relationship, fostering a harmonious and evolving dynamic.
I like to give my sub rules which make my life better, his life better, our sex life better, and work towards building something we both love doing.
I suggest you show this article to your sub and go through the process of creating rules together. Take the rules which jump out at you, get you a little bit excited or intrigued, and begin incorporating them into your daily life.
And if you’ve got some submissive rules you love but I haven’t listed (I’m sure you will have because there are infinite possibilities after all so ), leave them in the comments.
Good luck, make this your own and have FUN with it!
Resource Article : MissBonnie 2024
Additional related onsite resources and articles:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Negotiations are a crucial part of the contract process, allowing parties to discuss and reach mutually agreeable terms. Here are some techniques and guides to help you navigate the negotiation process:
An example of a simple D/s contract. just remember BDSM contacts are not legally binding in a court of law
A more complicated example of a M/s contract
An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
Know your rights with a Femdom relationship.
Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
When it comes to engaging in BDSM activities, communication and consent are key. One effective tool that can help facilitate this is a BDSM partner checklist. This checklist is a comprehensive list of activities, preferences, limits, and boundaries that each partner can fill out and discuss together. It serves as a starting point to get to know your partner on a deeper level and establish open lines of communication.
Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers. A contract is a (non legal) binding agreement between two or more parties that outlines the rights and obligations of each party involved. It establishes the terms and conditions of the agreement or relationship, ensuring that all parties are aware of their responsibilities and the consequences of not fulfilling them.
Navigating Consent in Kink: More Than Just Agreement
Consent holds a foundational position within the kink community. Much more than a cursory agreement, it involves a detailed process of granting permission and establishing boundaries for specific acts, scenarios, or situations. Explicit consent distinguishes consensual play from coercion and abuse, ensuring that all parties involved are willingly participating and comfortable with the parameters set forth.
Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually. Prepare and Research: Before entering into negotiations, it is essential to gather information about the other party, their needs, and their expectations. This will help you formulate a strong position and understand potential areas of compromise.
Set Clear Objectives: Clearly define your goals and priorities for the negotiation. This will help you stay focused and avoid getting sidetracked during the process.
Active Listening: Pay close attention to the other party’s concerns and interests. By actively listening, you can identify common ground and find solutions that meet both parties’ needs.
Flexibility: Be open to compromise and alternative solutions. Negotiations often involve give and take, and being flexible can lead to a more successful outcome.
Want some printable contracts and helpful negotiation forms?. Our Femdom Community has more covering many different areas and styles.
In fact we just added an assortment of sample downloadable contacts such as puppy play, sissy maid service, chastity all free and customizable.
Enjoyed reading. So much to learn. Thank you
Great work, thank you for the efforts that went into this. You are the best !
Glad you enjoyed it Aero. Thank you for letting us know we are on track! Any and all feed back is greatly welcomed.