Tag: limits

Voluntary: 

all partners involved in erotic power exchange activity of whatever nature should decide to do so of their own free will and choice and without any force applied. Sometimes the element of “force” may be hidden. Such can be the case if either of the parties faces (or fears to be faced with) economical or social repercussions if he or she does not go along with what the other partner(s) wants. This may be the case for example if colleagues at work enter into EPE-activities or within a marriage. If either of the partners feels forced, for whatever reason, the situation is non-voluntary.

Informed: 

all partners involved in erotic power exchange should base their decision to do so on correct information and should be able to judge the situation and possible consequences. A simple “yes” often is not enough, especially in cases where it is doubtful whether the person saying “yes” does not or can not know what the implications are or can be.

Consensual: 

all partners involved should agree to what is going to happen or happening and should have the possibility to evaluate previous decisions in the event they are faced with emotions, reactions or information they feel is of importance to their situation. Sane: decisions with respect to erotic power exchange activities should be made when all partners involved are of a clear mind. Consent as a result of the use of drugs, alcohol or the rush or the situation is not consent.

Safe: erotic power exchange activities should be safe, both physically and mentally and in the event physical or mental risks are taken – for example in an edge play situation – people should be well informed about the possible risks, implications and repercussions.

Moral or ethical code

Although the majority of the people, involved in erotic power exchange, usually have very high moral and ethical standards there is no standard moral or ethical code when it comes to erotic power exchange. Since EPE is such a personal and intimate activity it is questionable if such a moral code can be produced at all. This means that people who are into erotic power exchange activities very much depend on their own judgment, often without references.

Seeking advice is difficult, since it may be very hard to find a reliable source – in general terms as well as with respect to your own personal situation. However, there are some general rules of thumb to go by when evaluating your personal position or a situation you are about to enter:

Respect: 

Any erotic power exchange relationship should be based on mutual respect. In the event you have doubts about this, it is very likely there is something wrong.

Communication: Communication is paramount when it comes to erotic power exchange. Communication is a two way street. If you feel your arguments, feelings and thoughts are disregarded you have stumbled on another warning signal.

Relationship: 

In general – disregarding incidental kick-seeking – erotic power exchange can only flourish within a sound and solid relationship.

Dominance and ego: 

Dominance is not male chauvinism pr Female supremacy. Although it is sometimes very hard to draw the lines in individual cases, ego trips are out of the question when it comes to erotic power exchange. It is a mistake to think only the submissive can be “persuaded” into something s/he does not want. It happens to dominants as well and submissives can sometimes be very persistent and manipulative.

Recognizing domestic violence

Domestic violence is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without his/her consent. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. By asking yourself the following questions and watching for the following signals you may evaluate the situation you are in:

Physical signals

Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you? (Erotic power exchange scenes excluded) Has he or she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room or used a weapon of any kind?

Are you afraid of your partner?

Does your partner constantly or frequently criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control or ridicule you for the limits you do set?

Do you feel obliged to have sex?

Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?

Isolation

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner prohibit you to take part in social events or activities?

Property

Has your partner ever destroyed objects?

Has your partner ever threatened pets?

Economical

Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources?

Has he/she ever stolen from you or run up debts?

Emotional/Psychological

Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self esteem?

Do you feel you can not discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Abuse within an erotic power exchange relationship

Although it does not occur often, abuse within an erotic power exchange relation does occur. Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not “agreed” upon. Domestic violence is not the same as consentual S/M. As a result of their sexual orientation, abused persons who are in an erotic power exchange relationship may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes.

These are question that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is an abusive one:

Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?

Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?

Has s/he ever violated your limits?

Do you feel “trapped” in a specific role (submissive or dominant)?

Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?

General reflections

No one has the right to abuse you and you are not responsible for the violence. You are also not alone. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship or situation interact with other survivors. You will find them in local or regional support groups.

There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Fear of or feelings for the abuser may be one of them. Lack of economic or emotional resources is another. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs and 24-hour crisis lines in your area. Ask a friend to help you make these calls.

And, if you are planning on leaving: plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency. Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options.

Abuse in an erotic power exchange relationship can have an even greater impact than if it happens in another relationship. The amount of trust given can have been extremely high, thus the aftermath, the disappointment and the guilt feelings can be enormous. One word of advice to aid workers: someone who has been in an erotic power exchange relationship did not bring it upon him or her self. Especially in an erotic power exchange relationship the breech of trust by the abuser is enormous.

This article is partially based on material, produced by the American National Leather Association, the Dutch S&M Media Information Center and the POWERotics. Feel free to redistribute but please do make references to these sources © collarncuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channels

Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

In the Femdom/BDSM world, limits refer to activities that a partner feels strongly about, and to which special attention must be paid.

Before a Femdom scene

• Before a Femdom scene, it is common to perform a negotiation to outline what will and will not happen during the play session. During this time, all participants outline what they desire and what they will not tolerate. This is the time to discuss limits.

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. They can be spoken or written in the form of a contract, discussing them fully usually results in an improved experience for all involved.

Popular variants include:

• Hard Limit – something that must NOT be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. Examples include “scat is a hard limit for me” or “I have a back injury, so striking on the back is a hard limit”.
• Soft Limit – something that someone will do only in special circumstances or when highly aroused. Example – “I will only do anal sex with a very experienced partner”.
• “Must” limit – something that a person will not do the scene without. Examples include “lots of hair pulling is a must-limit for me” or “If you’re going to flog me, I’ll need lots of aftercare”.
• Time limit – an amount of time after which play ceases.
• No Limits – the Dominant may do anything she cares to with the submissive. This is usually a sign of an inexperienced player who does not yet know what their limits are. In reality, even the most hardened and experienced players have limits.
• “No limits” play is more the stuff of porn and thriller movies than in actual, real-life Femdom. This is also sometimes used as a term for TPE or Total Power Exchange.

Negotiation

Negotiation in Femdom community is a form of communication where participants make arrangements on each others’ requirements, responsibilities and limits to find the best possible agreement.
As BDSM is sexual practice that keeps to SSC philosophy, negotiation is necessary to set sexual activity within the boundaries of these principles.

Activity within Femdom relationships requires trust, openness about most practices that may include risks. On the other hand, partners have certain needs which should be clearly defined in order to be properly satisfied. In this regard, negotiation is essential part not only when parties were not familiar with each other but also in case when partners have long-term relationships.

Negotiation may not only concern a particular session but touch upon a more wide range of subjects on a BDSM philosophy in general: considerations on a lifestyle, the perspectives of the relationships, religious beliefs and many other issues that can be in one way or another connected to BDSM activity.

Negotiation within the limits of BDSM practice can be performed either verbally or in written form. One of the most common ways to clarify all the issues concerning participation in BDSM activity is to make use of negotiation form.

Negotiation form form is a list of needs, limits and activities within BDSM practice presented to both participants for a specification of the details of BDSM session.

Types of negotiation

1. Scene negotiation takes place before the actual participation in Femdom session, during the session and after it. It can be done in written form, where all the topics discussed will be listed for agreement or disagreement. This is made to evaluate the possible productivity of the session and compatibility of both partners. Negotiation on a pre-scene phase may include discussing such things as: Arrangement of Roles – who will take the part of the top partner or bottom partner, and participation of any other observers, the way partners address each other. Expectations and needs of both partners- likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs: Limits of the scene – boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences)Types of play – practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation; BDSM Equipment and or furnishings and attire- what materials, adult toys and fetish wear (leather lingerie, Corsets, PVC etc.) will be used; Duration of the scene – at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time :Health concerns – talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications and other Safety measures – any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong way

Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any

Safe words – one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

Negotiation that takes place after session is focused mainly on the following: possible drawbacks or otherwise positive moments, feelings and suggestions on the next sessions often referred too as Aftercare.

2. Relationships negotiation is a form of negotiation that concerns consideration of building up a scene relationship or a more committed 24/7 relationships. Partners who are interested in long-term relationships sign up a kind of contract that is similar to one a couple signs when getting married. Together with the questions that concern BDSM activity, partners discuss long-term arrangements: type of this relationship, agreement on living together, financial and psychological responsibilities. When both parties agree on TPE relationships they usually agree on signing up a contract in support of their commitment to BDSM lifestyle and each other. Such contracts do not have a legal base but they allow partners to determine all the aspects of their lifestyle more clearly.

Negotiation is aimed to give a certain order to BDSM scene especially when things are quite new to both partners. Here is one of the examples of the issues that can be included in a negotiation form on a forthcoming BDSM scene. Of course, negotiation form is an individual thing and you may well variegate sections and suggest to make it more detailed.

Sample Negotiation form

General information about your partner

• Name (nickname)
• Age
• Marital status
• Address
• Participants
• number of participants
• observer (if any)

Roles

• Domme
• Sub

The way of addressing the other

• Mistress
• slave
• pet
• others

Psychological needs

• humiliation
• pain
• verbal abuse
• control
• embarrassment
• mind play

Outfit

• sensual wear
• fetish attire
• costumes
• undressed
• erotic jewelry

other preferences

• Sex toys
• Vibrators, dildos, anal toys

BDSM toys:

• Bondage(cuffs, rope, spreader bars, suspension devices, harness etc)
• Sensory deprivation (gags, blindfolders, hoods, masks)
• Discipline devices (paddles, floggers, nipple clamps, cock rings, chastity devices)

Sexual preferences

• anal sex (including rimming, anilingus)
• Fisting

masturbation

• oral sex
• no sexual intercourse
• kissing

Health concerns

• allergies
• STD’s
• contraception
• general health problems
• medications taken
• medical aids

safety measures

• Time, date and place where the scene will be held
• Limits
• Physical limits
• Psychological limits

Marks

• Acceptable
• unacceptable

Safe words

• Safe words for slowing down
• Safe words to stop the game

* Non-verbal signs

Experience

• For top
• For bottom

Materials leather metal tape rope etc

Type of play: Bondage:

• Bondage positions(standing, lying, suspended, kneeling, etc)
• Parts of the body restrained (ankles, hands, knees, elbows)
• Level of immovability
• Discipline (spanking, flogging, hot wax play, pain play, cock and ball torture etc)
• Sensory deprivation (gagging, blindfolding, ear plugging, mummification)
• Knife play
• Blood play
• Fire play
• Hot wax play
• Role-playing etc.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.