Tag: negotiation

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Navigating Consent in Kink: More Than Just Agreement

Table of Contents

Consent holds a foundational position within the kink community. Much more than a cursory agreement, it involves a detailed process of granting permission and establishing boundaries for specific acts, scenarios, or situations. Explicit consent distinguishes consensual play from coercion and abuse, ensuring that all parties involved are willingly participating and comfortable with the parameters set forth.

Typically characterized by open communication, the process of consenting within kink encompasses discussions regarding desires, limits, and expectations. These conversations often occur well before any activity, establishing a mutual understanding and fostering trust. For example, terms such as “safe words” are commonly agreed upon, serving as a linguistic mechanism to halt activities immediately if discomfort or distress arises. This level of detailed communication is crucial in maintaining a safe and respectful environment.

sexual consent is required

The importance of consent in kink cannot be overstated. It serves as a demarcation line, transforming potentially harmful acts into consensual and enjoyable experiences. This principle asserts that no action, regardless of its nature, should occur without the explicit and informed consent of all participants. Thus, consent is not a one-off transaction but a continuous, dynamic dialogue that adapts and evolves throughout the interaction.

Furthermore, consent must be enthusiastic and uncoerced, reflecting a person’s genuine willingness rather than acquiescence under pressure. It is this wholehearted agreement that underscores the ethical framework within which the kink community operates. Clear and unambiguous consent helps mitigate misunderstandings and prevents situations where boundaries could be inadvertently crossed.

In understanding consent in kink, one begins to appreciate the complexity and necessity of these agreements. The inherent respect for personal autonomy and boundaries reinforces a culture of consensuality that is vital for both physical and emotional safety in kink-related activities.

Informed consent is a foundational principle in any kink dynamic, emphasizing that true consent involves more than a simple agreement. It necessitates that all parties are fully educated and aware of every relevant aspect of the activity in which they plan to engage. This comprehensive understanding extends to recognizing potential risks, boundaries, and the specific roles each participant will play.

Informed consent means that every individual has detailed knowledge about what they are consenting to. For instance, consider a scenario involving rope play. While it might appear straightforward at first glance, rope play carries inherent risks, such as the potential for nerve damage. Before any rope is even taken out, participants must be fully informed about these risks. They should understand the techniques to mitigate danger, know the signs of nerve impingement, and have an emergency plan in place, such as having a pair of safety scissors nearby.

This depth of understanding also covers psychological aspects. Participants need to communicate openly about their comfort levels, any previous experiences that may influence their current feelings, and their expectations. This ensures all parties not only agree but also comprehend the full scope of the activity, including any potential mental or emotional triggers that could arise.

Furthermore, informed consent is ongoing and dynamic, requiring continual check-ins and the ability for any party to retract their consent at any point. It recognizes that consent given yesterday isn’t valid indefinitely; context, interpretations, and comfort levels can shift, and consent must be reaffirmed.

Ultimately, the principle of informed consent is central to the ethical practice of kink. It embodies the respect and responsibility each participant owes the other, ensuring that each person is making an educated, voluntary, and enthusiastic decision. This meticulous approach not only safeguards physical and mental well-being but also fortifies trust, enhancing the positive and consensual nature of the interaction.

The Issue of Coercion

Understanding the boundaries of consent requires more than a simple “yes” or “no.” One critical aspect that significantly affects genuine consent is coercion. Coercion, in the context of consent, refers to the act of forcing, threatening, or manipulating someone to engage in activities against their will. This can occur overtly through direct threats or subtly through emotional manipulation and pressure.

Coercion fundamentally negates true consent because the essence of consent lies in the willingness and voluntary agreement of all parties involved. When coercion is present, the individual is acting out of fear, pressure, or obligation rather than a true desire to participate. Therefore, any consent given under such circumstances is inherently invalid.

Identifying coercion can sometimes be challenging, especially when it manifests subtly. Some warning signs include persistent pressure, guilt-tripping, or any form of emotional blackmail. For instance, statements like “If you loved me, you would do this,” or threats of ending a relationship if certain activities are not agreed to, are explicit forms of coercion. Additionally, using one’s position of power or influence to pressure another person also constitutes coercive behavior.

It is crucial for individuals in any relationship, particularly in kink dynamics where power and control play significant roles, to remain vigilant against coercion. Open communication, mutual respect, and a clear understanding of each other’s boundaries are essential in preserving the integrity of consensual interactions. This involves not only recognizing coercive behavior but also taking active steps to address and rectify it.

Ultimately, the presence of coercion undermines the foundational principles of consent. By staying informed and attentive to the signs of coercion, individuals can foster healthier, more respectful, and truly consensual interactions within their relationships.

Blanket consent serves as a profound and multifaceted concept within the realm of kink dynamics, particularly prevalent in total power exchange (TPE) or master/slave relationships. This form of consent involves one party yielding control over a range of actions, encompassing both kinky and non-kinky activities, to another party. The gravity of this commitment cannot be overstated, as it entails an unparalleled level of trust and surrender.

The cornerstone of blanket consent is intensive and comprehensive negotiation. The parties involved must engage in thorough discussions to articulate their boundaries, expectations, and mutual objectives. These negotiations are essential, as they provide a clear framework for the relationship, ensuring that both individuals are fully aware of the nature and extent of the consent being granted. Topics often introduced during these discussions include consent to specific actions, safewords, limits, and methods of periodic reassessment.

Integral to the success of a blanket consent arrangement is the foundational trust between the parties. This dynamic demands an exceptional degree of faith in the dominant partner’s judgement and discretion. The submissive, in turn, relies on their partner’s commitment to their well-being, with the understanding that their physical and emotional safety remains paramount.

While the strength of blanket consent lies in its overarching nature, it also requires ongoing communication. Periodic check-ins and dialogues are necessary to reassess boundaries, address concerns, and ensure that the consensual dynamic remains healthy and fulfilling for both parties. Such continuous communication helps mitigate any potential for abuse and ensures that the submissive’s agency and autonomy are respected within the relationship framework.

Ultimately, blanket consent is not a decision to be taken lightly. It demands rigorous preparation, mutual respect, and unwavering honesty. Both parties must possess a deep understanding of the responsibilities inherent in the agreement, thereby fostering a dynamic that is both empowering and safe.

What is Free Use?

Free use, as a nuanced subcategory of blanket consent, specifically hinges upon the unconditional sexual availability of the consenting participant. This concept essentially allows for one party, typically the dominant, to engage in sexual activities with the consenting submissive at their discretion and convenience, within established boundaries. Unlike broader blanket consent scenarios that may encompass various activities and permissions beyond sexuality, free use is distinct in its singular focus on sexual interactions.

A fundamental distinction between free use and generalized blanket consent lies in the scope and specificity of the permissions granted. Blanket consent might cover a range of non-sexual activities, from domestic chores to specific behaviors expected from the submissive. In contrast, free use zeroes in exclusively on sexual access, often creating a dynamic where the submissive is sexually available to the dominant at any given time, under predetermined guidelines. This structure emphasizes the importance of clearly negotiated agreements and the well-being of all parties involved, ensuring consent is informed and enthusiastic.

Moreover, free use scenarios can manifest in various relational constructs, including non-monogamous settings. In such contexts, the submissive may be expected to provide sexual services to other dominants with the primary dominant’s consent. These intricate dynamics necessitate robust communication and trust, highlighting the critical role of predefined limits and safe words to ensure the safety and comfort of the submissive. In situations where multiple parties are involved, the complexities of individual consent and the potential for power imbalances must be diligently managed.

Therefore, while free use might offer a depth of erotic freedom and spontaneity for some, it demands an equally rigorous commitment to ongoing dialogue, mutual respect, and a solid framework of pre-negotiated consent. This ensures that the practice remains consensual, ethical, and pleasurable for all participants, cementing its place within the broader landscape of kink and BDSM dynamics.

Consensual non-consent, frequently abbreviated as CNC, embodies a paradoxical aspect of kink wherein participants engage in pre-negotiated scenarios that simulate non-consensual interactions. It is imperative to distinguish that, despite the performative element of non-consent, every action taken within CNC is firmly rooted in prior, mutual agreement. This form of role-play demands a high level of trust and should only be pursued by those with extensive experience and thorough communication practices.

The nature of CNC introduces notable risks and complexities. Participants are simulating scenarios that may be mentally and emotionally challenging, necessitating meticulous preparation. Fundamental to maintaining safety during such scenes is the establishment of clear, pre-negotiated limits. These limits delineate what is permissible and what aspects are off-limits, offering a framework that safeguards everyone involved. Moreover, the use of safewords or safe signals is crucial. These predefined cues serve as an immediate stop mechanism, ensuring that any scenario enacted stops instantaneously if a participant feels unsafe or overwhelmed.

In addition to pre-negotiated limits and safewords, ongoing communication before, during, and after the scene is essential. Pre-scene discussions should cover emotional triggers, boundaries, and the specific dynamics of the role play. During the scene, participants should remain attuned to non-verbal cues, as these can provide critical feedback on a partner’s well-being. Post-scene aftercare, consisting of physical and emotional support, helps all individuals process the experience and reinforces the consensual nature of the engagement.

The intricacies of consensual non-consent amplify the absolute necessity of informed consent within kink dynamics. Practitioners must recognize the profound responsibility they hold in navigating such scenarios, ensuring every aspect upholds the principles of consent, safety, and mutual respect. By embracing these elements, participants can explore CNC in a manner that honors the core tenants of ethical kink practice.

In the realm of kink, the concept of blanket consent refers to an agreement where one party consents to certain activities without requiring explicit approval each time. This dynamic often thrives on a foundation of deep trust and robust communication between the parties involved. Within these relationships, the use of safewords – predetermined terms used to halt or slow down activities – can technically be employed but are generally not viewed as essential components. This is primarily because well-established dynamics usually entail a profound understanding and mutual awareness of limits, comfort zones, and boundaries, rendering the necessity for safewords less prominent.

However, there are particular scenarios where safewords might still come into play within blanket consent dynamics. For example, if a relationship is evolving or if the play involves experimenting with new activities, engaging a safeword can serve as an additional layer of security. It allows parties to navigate new terrains without fearing an overstep. Similarly, even in long-term dynamics, situational interpersonal and emotional changes can occur, where using a safeword helps reaffirm and maintain the balance of consent and care.

Additionally, the psychological state of the individuals at the moment of play can significantly impact the applicability of safewords. For instance, should one party experience unexpected physical discomfort, emotional distress, or a triggering event, having a safeword in place ensures that this distress can be immediately communicated without ambiguity or delay. This emphasis on immediate cessation safeguards the welfare of all parties, reinforcing the ethos of consensual and safe play.

Ultimately, while the extensive trust and communication present in blanket consent dynamics may reduce the observable need for safewords, their strategic use can enhance the security, adaptability, and respect inherent in these relationships, ensuring a continuous environment of safety and mutual consent.

When a consent violation occurs within the kink community, it is crucial to address the matter promptly and effectively. Immediate communication is key in both understanding the situation and mitigating any further harm. It is vital to acknowledge that breaches of consent can vary significantly in nature—some may result from misunderstandings or miscommunication, while others may be deliberate. Thus, the steps to address these violations should be carefully considered on a case-by-case basis.

In instances where the consent violation appears accidental, initiating an open and honest conversation is the first step. Both parties should strive to understand how the breach occurred and ensure that it does not happen again. This might involve revisiting previously agreed-upon boundaries, reaffirming communication strategies, or adjusting the dynamics of the interaction. Open dialogue can not only rectify the mistake but can also strengthen the trust between individuals moving forward.

If a consent violation is suspected to be intentional, the response must be significantly more measured. An intentional breach suggests a disregard for established boundaries and a potential threat to personal safety. Self-protection becomes paramount in such circumstances. It is essential to distance oneself from the individual responsible for the breach and to seek support from the community if necessary. This could involve confiding in trusted friends, seeking advice from kink community leaders, or utilizing resources such as support groups or crisis helplines.

Whether the violation is accidental or intentional, the emphasis should always be on self-care and safeguarding one’s mental and physical well-being. Consent is a cornerstone of any healthy kink dynamic, and breaches, however minor, can have lasting impacts. Therefore, knowing when to step back from a harmful relationship is crucial for maintaining one’s sense of security and personal autonomy.

Resource Articles : MissBonnie 2024

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COMMON RELATIONAL PROBLEMS IN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE RELATIONSHIPS

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Imagine. The two of you have been in a relationship for years. You are either married, living together or have been long-time companions in some other form of relationship. Suddenly, you start to develop erotic power exchange emotions and fantasies. Or your partner does. Now what? How do you introduce this to each other? What will happen to the relationship? Will there even be a relationship? How will your partner respond to this?

This is hardly an uncommon situation. In fact, a lot of people have this problem; it is not unusual for people to be confronted with feelings and fantasies about erotic power exchange in a later stage of their lives. It may be these feelings have been there for a long time, but have been suppressed. Or they “just came out of the blue,” so to speak. Since it is hard to determine what exactly triggers these emotions, it can happen in any stage of your life. And, many people find it difficult to find an outlet for these emotions, especially when they already are in a relationship. People are afraid of being rejected, or just called crazy. They may be afraid their partner may not be willing to share their feelings. In fact, it is entirely possible the partner already has rejected it.

You may be kinky, but you are certainly not insane


First of all: whatever your emotions are, you are not crazy, you are not alone and these feelings are perfectly normal, even if what you fantasize about seems extreme. Scientists estimate between 15 and 30 percent of the adult population has fantasies about erotic power exchange in some form. Next, these emotions – dominant or submissive – are very hard to suppress or ignore. Sooner or later they have to come out. Ignoring them may seem a short term solution, but in the long run it is not. You may be “kinky,” but you are perfectly sane.
The best advice is to talk about these emotions, no matter how difficult this may seem to you. If there is mutual trust and respect between the two of you, there should be no reason to be afraid. This may sound rude, but if you seriously think there is not enough trust, understanding and respect in your relationship, well, you may have to consider what kind of relationship you are in.

Next, do not overdo it in the beginning. It may be that you have cherished your fantasies for several years, before coming to the point where you want to talk about them. Remember that everything you are going to talk to your partner about is probably entirely new to him or her. Your partner may be open minded, but you should give him or her sufficient time to get used to this new situation. Another wise thing to do is to prepare yourself. Before you start talking, try to identify exactly what it is you want to talk about. Try to acquire some more general knowledge about erotic power exchange, so you are able to explain the phenomenon and not just your own emotions. It is usually very helpful to have some resources on the subject available for your partner, so he or she can form an independent judgment, based on your emotions, plus objective, outside, general information. There are several good books, and study places on the net, such as studyBDSM in our Community.

If you are the partner on the “receiving end,” the best advice is to be open. Of course, this new information may trouble or even scare you. That is very understandable. If it does not, well then both of you may share quite a lot here and there is much to talk about. Still, if your partner does not do it, see to it that you get yourself informed.

Coming out

What you are looking at are, in fact, two different things: one being the general “coming out” and the other being the relationship with your partner. Although this may sometimes be difficult, try to separate these two topics. Do the “coming out” first and than look at the perspectives for your relationship. This will require time, patience and mutual understanding. A coming out situation has been described as difficult to most people. Coming out usually is preceded by a period of uncertainty, and sometimes very strong feelings of loneliness and fear. That is what makes coming out so difficult. Even when the coming out process has started, it may take some time to get rid of these hidden fears and uncertainties. People in a coming out phase are usually very vulnerable and overly sensitive to even the slightest indication of possible rejection. That makes it hard to talk to them.

Another form of behavior, typical to coming out, is to drain yourself completely. Once the waterfall of words finally starts, it looks like the entire dam is giving way and the overwhelming flood can not be stopped. To the partner on the receiving end this is very difficult and it may feel like a blizzard coming at them. It is very wise to try and do this in small doses at a time.

A third factor you should try to take into account here is something that a lot of people, attracted to erotic power exchange, tend to do. This is called shopping list behavior. What happens is that novices probably have had one particular fantasy for years and the first thing they want is that fantasy to be carried out exactly as they have envisaged it, including every little detail. This of course is first of all almost always impossible. Secondly, it does not leave any room for your partner, who may have other thoughts about this. It usually kills the situation, before it even started.

The last factor we should mention here is over prioritizing. A lot of people tend to over prioritize their (newly discovered) power exchange emotions and put them in front of everything else. Although this is very understandable, it is also very impractical and may make things rather complicated.

A playmate outside your relationship

Quite a few people will tend to look for what they call a “play partner” outside their relationship. They do so in order to avoid possible rejection by their partner. Sometimes this is done based on mutual consent between the partners. To some people this may be a solution, especially in those cases where one of the partners is incapable of following the other. However, there are some major risks involved here. Although some people tend to make a difference between erotic power play and a relationship, in fact there is no such difference. The power exchange you will have with your play partner, will without doubt lead to a very intimate exchange of emotions and will create a very strong bond. The other partner may feel left out and since it may be hard to share all these feelings and emotions on an equal basis between the now existing threesome, the risks and dangers towards your “prime” relationship are both real and immense. Although people will often indicate otherwise, very few people can live with a situation where their mate or spouse shares very intimate feelings and emotions – let alone the physical part of all this – with somebody else.

If you have trouble working out the erotic power exchange feelings between the two of you, the best advise is get help. Most modern day therapists, marriage counselors, psychologists and sexologists will not have any trouble to discussing the subject of erotic power exchange and role play. They will also understand the risks and problems involved and they will have an open-minded discussion with both of you and will take an objective attitude towards erotic power exchange. If yours does not, simply find another one. And do check the local bookstore. There are a lot of books around to help you out. Finally, you may want to talk to some people from a local BDSM-group who are experienced and can help you. try the Community here on CNC, its 100% free to use and join.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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how to approach your wife about D/s.

First things first! I want to make it very clear that the way I am suggesting a male submissive introduce his wife to FemDom is strictly my opinion. I have very limited experience and all I can share is the contrast between when I was first introduced to this lifestyle by my husband and this last time. While this last time I initiated the D/s relationship, I was still originally introduced to it by my husband. I would have had no idea what Female Domination was if he hadn’t come to me 10 years ago and expressed his desires. With that said – onto my post.

Originally my husband came to me and shared that he liked to be tied up. He approached me subtly in the context of doing something new and fresh in the bedroom. I had seen Basic Instinct and thought it was really hot when Sharon Stone had tied up Michael Douglas with silk scarves. I was game and decided to indulge my husband. After I tied him to the bed with some neck ties I thought it was fun. He seemed to enjoy it very much and I had never seen him so excited. We continued to play for a while, advancing to rope. I would say my husband was a fantasy driven submissive, possibly even a fetishist. Although he doesn’t have a particular fetish (other than possibly a foot fetish) he was totally obsessed with bondage and humiliation.

Since I really didn’t know any better the entire experience was about him and pleasing him. He focused on his wants and needs and never considered the adoration and worship of me. He assumed I enjoyed this as much as he did and was shocked when I expressed my desire to stop playing. Our regular sex life had been replaced with BDSM and our entire lives were revolving around it. It was very easy for my husband to get caught up in the sexual aspect of D/s, very easy. While we weren’t playing, he would be on the internet looking at bondage and BDSM sites. He would regularly bug me to play and “tie him up”. When regular life was taking place he was lazy and self centered. Instead of telling me how wonderful I was, he would tell me what he wanted me to do. If I wasn’t being mean enough, he would ask me to be meaner. If I wasn’t talking enough, he would ask me to talk more to him. I was left feeling that being a Domme was more of a chore than anything. Instead of him letting the process evolve naturally, he tried to force it.

He wanted the fantasy in his mind to become a reality, but what he failed to realize is reality doesn’t hold a candle to fantasy. In our fantasies there are no kids, no work, no financial responsibilities. Most women, whether FemDom or not, do not want a inanimate object to order around 24/7 and use for only sex. I am sure there are a few but most want a life partner that they can share their triumphs and tribulations with. It is purely fantasy, where a FemDom has a sub sit in the corner, waiting for her next command, always bitchy and controlling. For me there are days where the last thing I want to do is give a command. Usually on those days I want to be cuddled and told over and over how wonderful and beautiful I am. How I am my husbands whole world and he couldn’t imagine living without me. What really puts the icing on the cake is if he tells me I am the perfect woman, and he wouldn’t change a thing about me. I am human; I cry, laugh, get angry, get sick, and get PMS. I am the whole package, not a male created FemDom written about for other subs to read and jack off to. So, how would I recommend a male submissive introduce their wives to D/s: take it slow, very slow. The last thing you want to do is go to your wife and tell her all your deep dark submissive secrets. Trust me when I tell you she will completely freak out if you go to her and tell her you wish to be tied up like a mummy and forced to be fucked in the ass with a huge strap on. Down the road you might be able to tell her that but definitely not right away.

Begin with serving her. If you don’t already help with the household chores (whether she works or is a stay at home mom), start helping. Don’t ask what you can do to help her, just do it. If she regularly cooks, cook one night and let her relax and read a book. When dinner is over, clear the table and do the dishes. Maybe get a nice bath ready for her, with the works: Candles, wine, oils, soft music. If you can, sit beside the tub and rub her back and wash her. Talk about her day and how things are going in her life. Spontaneously kiss her hand while you are driving somewhere and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that you are lucky she chose you to share her life with. During your next romp in the sack, focus on her pleasure only. Go so far as to not orgasm at all. When she goes to reciprocate by pleasuring you, tell her this night was about her and only her. Sit on the floor beside her and rub her feet, especially if she works and wears high heals all day. If you have children and she normally gets them ready for bed, you get them ready, while allowing her to relax and watch TV. Make her feel like a Queen!

Eventually she will ask you what is up. Now this is the crucial time – DO NOT SPRING ON HER YOUR KINKY DESIRES! This will just convey to her that the only reason you are doing all these nice things is to get something from her. This will be the fastest way to turn her off. A woman wants nothing more than to be adored and loved. If she thinks that you are only doing these nice things to get what you want, she will feel resentment and look at you as totally selfish and self-centered. You want to ignite her Dominance with your subtle submission. You will start to notice a change in her. She will start to feel love and adoration for you in return. She will then come to you and initiate a conversation, possibly about wanting to do something to please you. This is OK. Men and women want to please each other and there is nothing wrong with your potential Domme wife wanting to do that. This is the time to gently share with her a little bit of your desires. Start with something non-threatening to her. Bondage is a great starter. Our society has embraced using silk scarves or neck ties to tie your lover’s hands to the bedpost and ravish them. She will probably not be threatened about this in the least.

Another thing you could try is surprising her with a date night. Get a sitter (if you have kids) and take her to a nice restaurant. Set up some champagne at home, with candles in your bedroom. Make one of the candles her favorite scented candle (look around the house and you will see her favorite). Have clean sheets on the bed with maybe some rose petals thrown on the bed and floor. Make sure they are red roses. Get a romantic sex game and have it set up on the bed. There are some great romantic sex games out there. If you don’t have a vibrator, get one. The rabbit or something similar is perfect. When you start playing the game there will be “Share a fantasy card” that you will get. Stack the deck if you have too. Then when you get that fantasy card, share with her a simple fantasy of being tied up and teased. That is just an example of a simple, non-threatening BDSM fantasy that shouldn’t freak her out.

Well, those are some simple pointers to start with. Just remember that in today’s society, women have so much on their plates. They work full time or stay at home raising kids all day. They have so much responsibility the last thing they want is to be responsible for you. If your wife gets the impression that this is just another thing she has to do, she will hate it. A male submissive is there to enhance his Dommes life, not hinder it. She has to see the positives in it for her, not what she has to do to keep you happy.

True male submission is adoring, loving and worshiping your Wife. You will find fulfilment and satisfaction in serving her. The bondage and spanking and humiliation is fun, but the bottom line is the adoration you have for your Domme. Just ask my husband, he would rather kiss and lick my body from head to toe, making me orgasm over and over, than being tied up and teased. Before, he only wanted the later, but now he lives to worship and serve me. He is just lucky that I like to tie him up and tease the shit out of him. But that is a whole other post.

Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost some her entries. If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog

Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted. © collarncuffs.com

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave  starting out sub 

multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

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You’re submissive, what now?

When we first discover these facets about ourselves, after the initial shock, psycho analyzing ourselves, etc, we are eager to find someone to share our lives and ourselves with. It is only natural that we seek a partner. Nobody wants to be alone. As Submissives, you have an overwhelming need to belong to and/or serve someone. This is a normal need. All experience it.

Because of this strong need to belong, many newcomers to the scene make decisions too quickly and brashly. They may meet someone weather online or in person, and because there is interest, jump ‘head first’ into a relationship with someone they barely know, just to have that sense of belonging or to feel the excitement of ownership. Experience is great, but a bad experience can ‘hurt’ in more ways than one. Wait… Now is not the time to go seeking your “one true Mistress” «< a phrase I detest .

Now that you’ve discovered this wondrous facet contained in yourself, it’s time to learn more about yourself. READ… READ…READ and read some more…I cannot stress this enough.

Take the time to learn all the different aspects of D/s, S/M, or the all-encompassing BDSM/Femdom. You don’t have to like pain, but if you do, that’s fine too. What rocks your world, may be another total turn off, we all are different but many things you’ll find the same…So explore. What’s out there? What are your options? What’s the difference between humiliation and degradation? What is scarification? What’s a St Andrews cross, a tens pad, a vampire glove? Read the resource section, learn the terms. Soak up what ever knowledge you can find…use the net for more than porn…Yes the net is more than porn; it’s your door way into a world you dream and long for.

If you don’t know what your options are, how can you make an educated decision about your life? You should not expect to find someone out there to decide that for you. You have to decide who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for in a partner, BEFORE searching for the one to whom you will give yourself. There are so many books and websites out there to read, study, and get the knowledge you need to find your partner.

Keep in mind, however, that books and websites are guidelines, not the end-all to anything. They are meant to be informative so you can make your own decisions, not recipes or directions of how it must be done. Even recipe ingredients can be substituted, and if you miss a turn, there is usually an alternate route. If you find one that says, “You must do X or else you aren’t submissive,” it’s probably not the site you want to be learning from. And, if you feel you are submissive, don’t let ANYONE tell you aren’t just because you feel differently than they do on a subject.

Okay. Now you’ve read every website you can find and every book you could get your hands on. It’s time to talk to other Submissives. Go to local munches and meetings (if there are any near you, you’ll find a list in the forum section under events), and meet others in the lifestyle, join in of forums, join the chat room you’ll be surprised what you can learn just chatting with others. Too many times, people are terrified to go to these things because they don’t know what to expect. They fear they’ll say something wrong, make fools of themselves, or get “in trouble”. No one is going to punish you, or expect anything of you at all. You’re not being interviewed for a position. We’re just people… who happen to be kinky. We sit around and talk about similar interests. Not much different if you went to a meeting about ‘painting’. Different people might talk about different paints and brushes, strokes, canvas, etc. But they all have the same interest. Painting.

We have a wonderful page here on site written by rooroo on his first experience Talk to both dominants and Submissives. (They won’t bite you…unless you want them to or provoke them LOL)… Find out what their lives are like, how they do, what they do? Ask questions, if you don’t ask you will never know. Get advice. Keeping in mind that not all advice you get from “seasoned” Submissives (or Dommes) will be good advice.

A little story about what happened to me in this regard: I often go to munches and meetings. At one of these meetings, the topic was “punishment”. I heard a statement that “Mistress hardly ever punished me“. According to his Mistress, he hardly ever requires it. Anyway, as I heard this statement, people were surprised that in the 2 years they had been together, he had only been punished once. One submissive, whom I respected, suggested that he purposely avoid some of his responsibilities to “test” his Mistress, I forget the direct quote but it was along the lines of ‘don’t fuel the car, so she runs out’… to see if She would punish him. That was about the worst advice I’d ever heard from a respected sub. His Mistress did run out of fuel in a very bad part of town, things turned out ok…but the possible outcome could have been worse. His mistress ‘trusted’ him with her safety (as you trust her) would you want a Domme who has no respect for your safety? He is submissive, why in the world would he want to upset his Mistress, or place her in danger. The moral is, while advice is a good thing, not all advice will be sound advice. So… as I often say, “Take what you like, and leave the rest.”

However, the following piece of advice is definitely worth reading. When you go to a munch, a club, a meeting, etc. Please…don’t beg entrance, curtsy, bow, or float gracefully across the room and fall gently to your knees before the Dommes, offering rose petals or whatever other lame thing is done in many chat rooms of that sort. You will be laughed off the face of the earth, dismissed as a dumb-ass, or if done in a public place, taken by the police to the nearest psych unit. LOL… No need to put on a big show or draw that kind of attention to yourself. Once in a relationship, if you’re dominant wants you to curtsy to him or her, that’s his or her call. Just be respectful and be yourself.

One of the common misnomers which irritate me is that “RESPECT must be earned”. That’s just not true. If you were out shopping and had a question, you might say, “Excuse me Ma’am, could you tell me where I can find the paper towels?” That’s showing respect.

Good manners, count everywhere in life Femdom is no different.

You know… those things our parents or guardians tried to in grain in us when we were growing up. Showing good manners is being respectful. Calling someone Sir, Ma’am, Doctor, Sgt., Professor, etc. are all examples of showing respect for someone. I use titles of that sort when talking to anyone I’m not on familiar terms with. However, in my opinion, the terms “Master” & “Mistress” should not be used lightly. Just because a woman is someone’s Mistress, doesn’t mean you must (or, should) call her that. She is that person’s Mistress, not yours. If you wish to show respect to someone else’s Master or Mistress, a simple “Sir” or “Ma’am” is adequate. Growing up, I was taught that respect should be given to everyone (regardless of societal status, employment, and later in life, whether they’re in the lifestyle or not). So I do. I respect everyone, unless and until they do something and no longer deserve my respect.

TRUST, on the other hand, is what must be earned.

If you were out shopping, would you trust the lady behind the counter to tie you up, and play with you? Would you trust her to not hurt you? Would you trust her to make decisions about your life? I certainly hope not. Going back to that ‘jumping too quickly’ and ‘needing to belong to someone’ thing, let’s expand a bit. You’ve studied, learned about yourself, and talked to others in the lifestyle. Now you’re ready to find a partner, so you start actively looking. Decide what you DO and DO NOT want in a partner. Both are equally important. Once you find someone you share an interest with, discover your compatibility. It’s very important to discuss all areas and aspects of the life and type of relationship you might be sharing with your prospective partner. It’s important to know where they stand on the D/s scheme of things. Some of the things you might wish to discuss include, but are not limited to: Dynamics of the relationship, expectations, punishment, types of play, limits, safety (including safe sex), safewords, health (mental & physical), etc. We have many of these mentioned resources articles available on CollarNcuffs.com

However, what about life in general together?

There is more to finding a partner than whether or not they are an experienced and good top/dominant. Is she a good human being? Can you trust this person not only with your physical well-being, but can you trust them to make decisions for you based on your moral beliefs? That part is often overlooked in the beginning, as the Femdom part seems to be the main focus when trying to determine compatibility. But what about things like: Bank accounts, will they be joint?; is marriage an option?; what if gets pregnant?; what if one of you cannot have children?; is religion an important issue to one or both of you?; will you be allowed, expected, or required to work outside the home?; does your prospective partner use drugs or alcohol?; what about medical care?; what about family? Find out about these and any other things that may be important to you.

When in a D/s relationship, there is a certain amount of conditioning/training/change that may take place. But, if you try to conform to the dominant’s ‘grand plan’, when it absolutely does not match your own desires and needs, then you are “settling” and are not likely to find yourself in an ideal situation. I’m not saying you have to agree on every little detail. That whole “to-may-toe/ to-mah-toe” thing isn’t a big issue, but there are many things that you may not be able to compromise on. Compromise is good…but knowing when and on what issues is vital.

Too often, some novices will settle for what they might believe is the best they can do, as opposed to what they really need. Maybe they’ve searched for months or even a couple of years without success. This can be exceptionally disheartening. However, settling for the first person that shows you attention can be disastrous. Would you go to a bar, meet a person and then run off to the Justice of the Peace and marry her that very night, that week, or even that month? Most probably not. Generic vanilla-type questions are just as important, as the D/s related ones.

GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER.

You have the inalienable right to consent. It is your choice, and that choice should not be made rashly. In getting to know your partner, she will be learning about you too. It is “imperative” that you be completely honest not only with her, but with yourself as well. Tell her what you need, what you’re interested in, what you’re afraid of, what you might want to try some time in the future, but perhaps aren’t ready for yet. If you are unsure about something, say so. If you don’t know what something is, ask. Dominants are not mind-readers… If you want something, ask… Even though it detracts from your ideal of having a dominant JUST KNOW what we want/need. Most people aren’t experts on taking hints. So, if they don’t know you want it, chances are… you won’t get it.

If you do ask, and they don’t really give you an answer, in some cases, you may have to reaffirm your interest, possibly even a few times. It might be that she simply wants to make sure it’s something you really want, and not a whim. Been there…done that…LOL… If they haven’t given you a definite a, just remind her that you really want to try it, whatever it happens to be. However, I don’t recommend nagging.

“Triggers” is another topic of importance.

Think incredibly hard about your past. The times you’ve been hurt, specific words, names, or scenarios that could cause a ‘trigger-effect’ (define this as “something that makes you cringe and/or recall vividly bad past experiences”). It’s not exactly fun to reflect on the bad parts of our past, but is important to do so in order to help avoid possibly bad situations in the future. Make sure you know each other’s limits, too. Too often, new Submissives are afraid to say “no” due to a fear of disappointing their dominant or not seeming “very submissive” if they refuse. That’s bull!!! Limits are set for a reason, and it’s ok to say no. Always, always, always play with a safe word.

Good luck and remember to enjoy!!!

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

related reading in the same section:

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

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Collars and meanings

In the world of BDSM and Femdom , collars can play many roles. And can carry many protocols, depending on their intent and who puts them in place. In stating this, it should be known that this is generally the way things maybe, but not always. As each person’s desires and ideas normally fit their own needs. The explanation for each type of collar is indeed my view although it may be generally shared by many.

One of the things I cannot stress enough to new submissives is to make sure your ingurgitation of what a collar means is the same as person offering it. Often there can be a huge disconnect

Table of Contents

Protection Collar

A Protection Collar is given to a submissive or slave who is without a Master or Dominant, or worn by an owned sub or slave where their Master or Dominant is not near. This collar serves as a means of keeping a sub or slave safe until they are under consideration. This would allow them to be more part of group events and munches without fear of being used or abused. In the case of an owned sub or slave, the protection collar insures their owner’s wishes and desires are respected when they can not be there.

Collar of Consideration

This collar is often given when a Master or Dominant is seeking out a sub or slave for ownership; some would say it is like an engagement ring. This collar lets others know that a sub or slave is being sought by One and therefore is not seeking a Master or Dominant at this time.

Training Collar

The Training Collar is seen more in long-term relationships. It’s worn during a sub’s or slave’s training period. Some use it as a public play collar because a Collar of Ownership maybe too formal or delicate for play. Training Collars are also considered a stepping stone on the path of ownership.

Fashion Collars

Fashion Collars are worn normally as a fashion statement. Many different groups (i.e., Goth, punk, fetish) will wear them. They hold no real meaning. This collar should not be confused with a Public Collar.

Collar of Ownership

The Collar of Ownership is that given to a sub or slave when a Master or Dominant decides to own the sub or slave. This collar is normally seen in conjunction with a long-term relationship that may have a contract or agreement in place. This collar may be given in many different ceremonies. High value is and should be placed on this collar. A Collar of Ownership is not given normally without thought and a true desire to accept the responsibilities of owning someone (and being owned).

Public Collars

A Public Collar, although sometimes hard to recognize, is worn in place of the more traditional collar during more public (vanilla) outings. This collar can be represented in many ways (i.e., a broach, pin, or bracelet). This is normally chosen by the individuals involved in the relationship

Play collars are worn for scenes only.

They can be worn between people in vanilla relationships who like the occasional BDSM play. D/s couples who don’t feel it necessary to wear a collar all the time, or even strangers at BDSM clubs or parties who are only playing together for one scene. Putting on a play collar can be like putting on lingerie–it gets you in the mood to play and can help put you in subspace! A collar may be more part of a costume than a D/s symbol in pet play.

Digital Collars

While most people picture some sort of physical collar in their minds, the practice has been adopted for use online in the last decade or more. In forums, chatrooms, and other Femdom spaces, submissives will sometimes mark that they’ve been collared. This is typically a signifier of a long-term relationship and may mean other dominants cannot speak to them without their dominant’s permission.

One example involves submissives using symbols such as brackets that look like a collar and possibly a leash next to their dominant’s name. For example:

{submissive}~Dominant this was very popular inn online chatrooms in the early 2000 to 2010s it has now seemed to fall out of favor.

Protocols

There are many forms of collars and almost just as many protocols that follow them. These protocols, like the collars themselves, fit the desires of those who place them. If you’re not sure of the meaning of a collar ask, most will tell you. In some cases subs or slave are not allowed to interact with other Dominants or Masters without permission of their owners (this may also be true in the case of a Protection Collar). RESPECT its meaning and the wishes of the Dominant as well as the sub or slave by not forcing yourself upon a collared individual for an answer. If a request is to be placed on subs or slaves, seek out their owner(s). All negotiations between subs and slaves wearing collars should be with those who put the collar in place.

As stated in the beginning these are generally accepted ways but are not always the same for each person. They are guidelines and normally when followed the respect given will be returned.

Resource Article : MissBonnie

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Tips for a Femdom beginner

naked woman behind door

Table of Contents

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.

The information given below will let you know more about these problems and the ways these problems can be solved.

Stereotypes.

Many femdoms beginners cannot get pleasure of their dominance because of not being up to some stereotypes related to BDSM activity. These are typical thoughts of a woman who has just made her first steps in dominance – “I am supposed to inflict pain on my slave, I am supposed to be called the Mistress, I must wear especial clothing, I must use some certain BDSM toys. But there are some things I don’t quite like. Does it mean I am not a true femdom?”

No, it doesn’t. Stereotypes are designed specially for destroying them. You must not be up to any stereotypes. You can wear any clothing you want, you can use any BDSM toy you wish, your scenario can involve all your fantasies, no matter whether they are standard or not. And keep in mind – Dominance is not based on inflicting pain. It is based on making your partner react the way you want him to. Different people apply different methods for this purpose – from quite light up to very severe ones. The main thing is that you both should get pleasure, and no one can tell you what you should do.

Diffidence

Diffidence and hesitation are quite characteristic of a femdom beginner. She cannot relax thinking about the way she looks, the way she behaves and of course about whether her slave is pleased with the session. These fears are quite natural, but if not overcome they cannot spoil pleasure of both the femdom and her submissive.

Actually, first of all you should remember that this is you who dominates, that is why this is you who decides everything. Only you can decide how severe you should be, only you can choose BDSM toys you are going to use, only you rule the game because you are the dominant. Do not let hesitation make you weak.

Ways to overcome diffidence

1. Get rid of your hesitations during the sessions.

Let us take an example. Possibly you are not sure enough whether your submissive finds you sexually attractive enough. Do not think about this matter. Instead ask your submissive – Am I a Goddess of sex? He will be glad to say you are. You might hesitate whether to use this or that Femdom toy or accessory. Hesitation does not make you more dominant. Instead say confidently – I know you want me put these cuffs on your ankles! I know you want get a few blows with this whip!

2.Don’t let your submissive object to anything

Keep in mind that no submissive can let you know what you should do during the session. He cannot object to using a BDSM toy, he cannot ask you to do something. All problems must be discussed after the session otherwise your D/S relationships lose any sense. Of course make sure you know his hard limits…that is a given, for any Femdom scene. He should not be topping from the bottom!

Improper planning

After you master basic things you might want to enrich your experience. Very often femdoms beginners make mistakes when planning the session by making up too thorough or not enough detailed scenario.

The main advantage of domination is its unpredictable nature. By making a too detailed plan you become dependent on it. For example when facing an unexpected reaction of your partner you might begin thinking you have done something wrong, that your incompetence has made a problem.

The opposite problem is insufficient planning.. You do not prepare anything – neither BDSM toys nor your roles, etc – you are likely to look at your helpless partner trying to guess what you should do next. This will inevitably make you less self-confident. Such things are easy to avoid. Make plans, but let them be not too detailed. Do not limit yourself by a strict order of actions. Instead simply take into account what you are going to do and do this when you would like to.

Article MissBonnie February 2009 CollarNuffs.com

studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

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I’m often asked about punishment by new Domina‘s.

domme walking around

Table of Contents

How do I punish?

What should I do? What do you punish?

What do I let slide and forgive?

I can only answer these question for myself and comment on how I deal with punishment issues. How you choose to deal with infractions is up to yourself, and your own individual flare and style. Dominas all have different needs and different requirements from submissives…what I require from my submissives may be different to your needs.

Punishment is an inevitable element of relationships between a Mistress and a sub. To speak shortly, punishment is designed for behaviour correction. But all involved in BDSM/Femdom know that punishment is a gift and the Domme’s benefaction as it helps to get free from feeling of guilt and it is a sign of the Top’s care for her sub. This article is not meant as ‘how too guide’ but more for a creative spark to plan your own course of punishment actions. The main issue with punishments that I can’t stress highly enough is consistency! If you threaten to punish him/her follow it through! Your submissive is seeking your guidance and control. Not punishing an act you find unacceptable is sending out a message you have no control.

Perhaps there is no need to mention that necessity of punishment must be realized by the slave and no penalty can take place without the sub’s agreement. Femdom relationships always imply love goodwill, and safe sane and consensual actions. So punishment must be necessarily discussed in advance. To effectively punish. Punishment requires some suggestions which can be followed any time a Domme finds it necessary to give her sub a lesson.

Three Main Punishment suggestions

  • 1. Punishment in any detail must be different from other types of Femdom action. Otherwise the submissive is going to get used to it and take punishment as something habitual – what lesson is he going to be given than? For instance you can have special BDSM toys used only for punishment and nothing else. Use them only when punishing your sub. In this case these BDSM toys are going to be associated only with actions intended to punish him/her.
  • 2. It is the Domme who defines severity of punishment as well as its other details. The Domme chooses the time her Sub is going to be punished, What BDSM toys she is going to use, tortures the sub must undergo etc. All these things must not be discussed; otherwise this is going to be anything but punishment and in fact might be something the submissive seeks out and desires!
  • 3. One offence – one punishment. This is the main principle which if not followed makes punishment useless. The sub must always be aware what s/he is being punished for.

Now let us speak about punishment itself. Actually punishment for my submissives consists of five suggested steps. They may or may not fit your chosen form of Femdom practices.

Step one. Explanation

This step implies explanation of what was done wrong and what your slave should have done instead. Make sure the submissive realizes his/her guilt otherwise everything that comes next is going to be of no use. Submissives left struggling with reasons for punishment often feel confused and disorientated with other activities. Left questioning they often question every action they undertake on your behalf. A submissive is not a mind reader ‘communication’ is a must if you ever wish to alter his/her behaviour.

Step two. Sub who begs for punishment.

Punishment might always involve this step and it might never imply it – everything depends on the Top. The bottom does not have the right to choose whether s/he should beg to punish him/her or not – this is not a matter for him/her to decide. A submissive asking to be punished is topping from the bottom and learning that s/he can alter the outcome of plans. Make a mental note that s/he is asking for punishment and try to evaluate why s/he is asking. Does s/he need more attention? Is s/he trying to manipulate you into action? Why is this occurring? This more often the question that needs addressing. Is there an underlying problem?

Step three. Getting ready for punishment and realization of guilt.

The fourth action is perhaps the longest one and it takes place without the Domme’s interference. I have found this step has helped my submissive/s greatly in rectifying his/her errors so they never reoccur. This might imply being on knees in very uncomfortable position in darkness. As well it might imply use of some BDSM toys, such as restraints. This step is very effective as being alone the bottom feels lonely and denied. Alone (or time out) allows for reflection time on the ‘error‘ the time out allows the submissive time from distractions to evaluate what has occurred. Time out also allows for the submissive to get in the right head space and let go off the vanilla world.

Step four. Punishment.

The fourth step is punishment itself. Here no recommendations can be given. Everything that takes place during this stage of punishment depends on the Domme and HER own personal tastes, likes and desires. This can be not only inflicting pain on the bottom as many might think. Verbal communication is as well very important.

The Mistress can order her sub to repeat a part of guilt explanation in order to find out that the slave understood and realized his/her guilt. Realization of guilt can be expressed in some other way, for instance by saying “Thank you, Mistress!” or “forgive me Mistress! “After each blow or by continuous licking the Mistress’ feet during the punishment.

Verbal communication between the top and the bottom implies that the Domme should let her sub know whether the latter can cry or not. As well she should make it clear what is going to happen if the bottom cries in spite of this prohibition.

The top can let the bottom know how long punishment is going to last, what toys she is going to use, using this method the Domme must be consistent in her set plan of action and never falter. My advise to the newer less confident Domme or Domina in a new relationship would to NOT do this if she can at all help it, setting punishments length or duration often means the submissive may have to take more than s/he needs or less than s/he needs at the time of punishment. By not informing the submissive of the full extent of the punishments details it allows you room to adjust without appearing to of ‘softened’ on the punishment or appearing to lost control of the situation. So again everything depends on the Domme’s will to remain consistent to her original punishment goal.

Step five. Forgiveness.

Punishment has ended. The top might order the bottom to thank her for punishment. She can let her slave know what punishment he is going to undergo for committing the same crime again. And of course the top must let this slave know whether the latter is forgiven or not. In the end I should say that the first punishment must be very severe. Than punishments might become rarer and less cruel. Full-fledged D/s relationships imply that after some time punishment must become a very rare event or there should be no punishments at all as the most terrible thing for a bottom is being deprived of his Mistress’ love.

What ever methods you choose make sure you are comfortable in there delivery. You are trying to give your submissive ’rules’ to suit your desires, using a method you dislike will only add to you not enjoying the process and delaying its deliverance.

Enjoy the process, it shouldn’t be a chore and shouldn’t be out of anger. Punishment should be administered because you know your submissive and yourself will ‘both’ benefit from it effects and outcome.

If you are angry step away and re gather your thoughts and personal control. Acting in anger can cause misjudgement in your actions. Actions need to be clear, concise, too the point, relaying your intended purpose for correction. Often punishments dealt in anger can lead to injury or relationship problems.

Once you have administered your chosen punishment aftercare may be required.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs.com 2008

Further Resources :

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

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Sub husband help

My last few posts have been geared more toward the submissive men and it is high time to talk with my fellow budding FemDom’s. Get a cup of coffee (or whatever you like), pull up a chair and let’s have a little talk. Since my perspective is from the female point of view I want to talk to all you Ladies like I was right there with you. I realize that no two people are exactly alike, but the more I read from other budding FemDom’s, the more I am realizing the core of this lifestyle is the same. From what I have read 90% of the Dommes I know were at one time introduced to this lifestyle by either a spouse or boyfriend. I have only come across a select few that became involved in this lifestyle on their own.

First, I am going to use my situation to share on. By no means did I do everything perfectly. All I can share is how this time is different for me than last time.

I woke up one morning and found that my husband had been on my computer the night before while I was sleeping. It took a while before I confronted him about it and when I finally did I got a defensive attitude and he denied that he was doing anything wrong. Typical behavior from a man that knows he has been caught! My first reaction was rage. Does this man really think I am that stupid? My second emotion was hurt. Since I still didn’t know exactly what he was doing I really had nothing concrete to be angry and hurt about. It was the denial that got me. It took a while before I knew exactly what he had been doing. The first thing I did was think. I had some serious decisions to make. Was I going to leave or stay? If I stayed, how was I going to ever be able to trust him again?

So let’s put this scenario onto you! Let’s say your husband has just come to you and decided to share his submissive desires. Not all men are leading secret lives but you can bet most are. They have looked at FemDom and the desire is so strong to bring it to reality, they take a chance and talk with you. Or let’s say you have found out that your husband is being sneaky on the computer. I can tell you how to find out everything, and I mean everything, he has been doing but that can be talked about later. Now, you can do one of two things: you can reject him completely or you can listen and then decide for yourself if this is something that interests you. Take some time, research the reality of FemDom and then decide if this is something you would like to do IF YOU WEREN’T TO STAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE. If this lifestyle is something you don’t really find interest in, and you continue to go ahead with it because it is what HE wants, it will never work. Your spouse will have no choice but to top from the bottom. All that will make you left feeling is inadequate and unloved. See, the male submissive, behind all the fetish activities, wants to serve a Dominant woman. If he is molding you into his perfect little Domme it will never work. This will technically leave him in the Dominant role which is not what he wants. I might add this is definitely not what you want! Trust me!

So, you have taken some time, researched and you are all for being a FemDom. Now what? How do you go about playing with this man? The activities we engage in can be very dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing. Books are wonderful and a lot can be learned about safe play, but there is only so much you can learn from books. Nothing compares to learning hands on with an experienced teacher and mentor. For me I really love the mental aspect of D/s. The bondage, teasing and games are a means to an end for me. I can honestly tell you I have learned more about the mental aspects of submissives now that I have in person relationships with other Dommes and subs. So, how do you meet others you can learn from?

The first is a local BDSM support group (want online try our Community and FREE programs. If you live in a well populated area you can bet there is a support group near. You might have to travel a little but it’s well worth it. It does take time to get to know others in the group. What do you do in the meantime? I know most of you will be completely shocked that I am suggesting this but here goes. I would find a Pro Domme in your area to take lessons from. You don’t have to take your submissive with you (although after a few times I suggest you do). Pro’s can be expensive but most will work with you if you let them know your budget. Pro’s have a insight the average woman doesn’t. They talk to thousands of submissive men and they understand the mental aspect of the submissive very well. Most Pro’s have been in the lifestyle for years and years. Hence how they got to be Pro’s.

One of my best friends is a Pro who has been involved in the lifestyle for over 17 years. She specializes in couples and she loves it when budding FemDom’s call her for lessons. I can tell you right now that if it wasn’t for this woman, my husband and I might not be together now. She understands the woman’s perspective and the man’s. She is invaluable. She offers phone counseling and she does in person lessons after she has gotten to know you and your situation via phone calls. She is here in Vegas and I highly recommend her. Here name is Mistress Kali Ward and if you are anywhere near Vegas (or not) I would suggest calling her. She started the PEP Buffalo chapter and she is recommended by Elise Sutton. The PEP organization is nationwide and the Pro Dommes they recommend are very compassionate and well educated.

This will probably surprise you all more than anything else but I have become very good friends with my husbands Ex-Pro, LadyIceQueen. For months I was envious and intimated by her only to find that she is a loving, compassionate, regular woman like me. She accepted me with love and made me feel beautiful. (Kisses and Hugs to you sweets!) I expected her to be a total cruel bitch but what I found is she is just like me. While I am not grateful that my husband shared sessions with her, I am grateful that I contacted her and now can call her my friend. She was originally in Las Vegas but she has relocated to Glendale, AZ. Like Mistress Kali Ward, she accepts phone counseling and in person lessons.

In conclusion, this lifestyle is not for everyone. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOMME. DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND OR B/f PUSH YOU INTO BEING SOMETHING YOUR NOT.

While there are many benefits to this lifestyle it is not for everyone. If you do find this lifestyle is for you, please learn all you can on what you like. Be safe in your play. And most of all enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Enjoy the attention, adoration and power. This is one time where it is ok to be a little selfish and to make it all about you. If you do, you will find what you have always wanted. Care for and guide your submissive into places they have only dreamed of. This is the time to see what you like, what you want, and to bask in the lap of luxury. The benefits are more than you could ever dream of. As always, I welcome emails from anyone who wishes to chat. Let me know how things are going. Good Luck!!!

Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost some her entries If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog (now closed)

Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted to MissBonnie

Further resources:

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

Posted on

I’m Domme so what now?

Domme with crop ready to set protocols

Table of Contents

Taking that first step -How to Learn

What brought you here…why are you here?

My guess is you partner has just told you about his submissive desires and you wish to formulate some plan in your head, on how to make it work it for you and your relationship.

My second guess is you are attracted to what you have seen so far but don’t have a clue on where to go next, or what to do.

“The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.“

First off no matter what brought you here. Your reading this article so you either love your partner dearly and wish to give this a go, or you have liked what you seen or read. Either option the process is some what the same. You should take a serious look at yourself. It like the old saying ‘you have to know yourself in order to know others’ What is it about Femdom that You find appealing? Do You wish a 24/7 relationship; taking on the responsibilities for deciding all aspects of a submissive’s life? Do You wish to encourage another to become the best person they can be? Do you wish Femdom just in the bedroom? Alternatively, is it something in-between? Whether, it’s the sense of power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer, except for Yourself. Do not try to live up to any others’ expectation. Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave. You cannot hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first you understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with self-evaluation.

Turn Your attention to the mechanics. At this point, You are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in your body? Are Your fantasies tickled, as You think on the possibilities of this life? You need to define your starting point, what is it that most turns You on. It is quite common over time to find Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of doing, in time, become desires. The opposite is also often true; the things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now, other desires will take their place and move to the foreground. For now, what is it that You desire? Turning the boy over Your knee? Placing an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be escaped? Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?

What’s next? Your partner is the next step in this fabulous journey

Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner or figuring the workings of the sub that you already have. The key, again, is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does the submissive. The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match up with Yours.

What is my submissive partner looking for ? If your partner has brought this all to your attention you may want look at things from his side for awhile. A marketing tip I love to quote ‘is find what motivates, and your half way there’ you by now have self evaluated yourself, now is time to talk to your partner.

This is the key to a successful power exchange relationship, communication. If you don’t know what your submissive is looking for you certainly won’t be able to fulfil their needs. If you don’t know what style of domination your submissive is looking for you could easily cause an emotionally traumatic experience that could scar them for life. If your style of domination is not compatible with what they are looking for it WON’T work!! Don’t try to be something you aren’t just to please a submissive or you will be doing them AND yourself a disservice. Find out first before taking the plunge!

You should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which is truly against their own beliefs or desires, in the end, all You will end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and possibly be arrested. There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us. If You desire to administer pain, You need a partner who wishes to receive it. If You desire only to control, a masochist will never please You. You will both be frustrated by the experience. Know what you want in a partner and seek that.

Relationships…

Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time as well. Do You want to play occasionally or do You want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If You want a long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside of Femdom – otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather quickly.

What personality type is your submissive/or what are you looking for?

  • Is your submissive a hopeless romantic who sees this as the ultimate expression of love?
  • Is your submissive a sex slut who loves being used for your sexual gratification?
  • Is your submissive demure or childlike looking for protection and a sense of security?
  • Is your submissive a humiliation slut who craves being walked on because it makes them feel wonderful?

Listen to your submissive, observe the mannerism, ask them what their darkest fantasy is (that will give you a good idea of what really turns then on) but be aware that some fantasies are just that – fantasies only. If you sub cries every time you raise your voice obviously you will need to handle this one differently than a sub who grovels happily being yelled at.

OK, You know what you want, and what You want to look for.

Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you will be seen for exactly what you are a newbie without a clue. It is not a good way to start. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!

The next step in your journey, you now know what arouses, but what arouses your submissive desire to submit to you or potentially submit to you?

Do you know what arouses your submissives desire to serve you?

  • Have you asked him what turns him on?
  • If they expressed their interests do you consider it topping from the bottom?

Are they afraid to tell you because they don’t want to appear to be in control of what will happen. Here is my personal philosophy on this topic: “Knowledge is Power… the more knowledge a sub gives you the more power you have to own their submission, to deny you that knowledge, is to deny yourself that power.”

Encourage your sub to talk to you or write fantasies to you so you will get an idea of what it is that arouses them. That knowledge will empower you and give you a tool for awakening their submission to a deeper level. Or for that matter they may even awaken your inner potential for Domination.

What are my submissives limitations & boundaries?

A submissive who has NO limits and no boundaries is a very dangerous person with blinders on to the real dangers involved in Femdom. If they are unsure, then fine – a Domme can go slowly and feel their way along letting the submissive find a comfort level of their own. If they claim “I have no limits” I would worry about their own sense of identity and self-worth. “No limits” is the answer online submissives give because they are never in any real danger… they can turn the computer off at any time and remain in control. In real life there are limits… mutilation, snuff scene (suffocating the sub till they die), etc. are all serious limits for anyone of sound mind.

Find out what your submissive is NOT comfortable doing or is afraid of and keep that knowledge in mind when scenting with them. Soft limits can be gently explored, and tested over time… hard limits are never to be approached without a previous conversation expressing an interest in pushing, or extending that limit. A good idea to open conversation and start discussion may be to use a Limits list as we have on Collarncuffs.com. You can find one HERE LINK things you may over look as what you’d think as a soft limit, may be a hard limit to your submissive.

Negotiations

Negotiation involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do. Don’t violate what the sub sets as limits.

  • (1) You’ll do him considerable mental harm
  • (2) You’ll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it’s no longer consensual)
  • (3) word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore. (Remember the BDSM/Femdom community is very tightly knit and nothing stays hidden for long.)

Are you willing to follow, and set, your own set standards and rules?

This is the biggest of mistake made by new dominants, double standards! If you expect a submissive to obey your rules you had better be ready to back up the consequences of those rules. If you don’t the sub will no longer feel inclined to bother since you aren’t bothering to enforce them. In addition if you expect one standard from your sub but you just don’t feel like doing it yourself then you are sending a message to that submissive that it really isn’t all that important to you after all. Make sure that if you are going to set standards, you live by those standards as well. Never say one thing and do another.

Will my submissive be able to live up to my standards and rules?

Your submissive wants to please you, so setting unreasonable standards is sabotaging them to failure. In my view discipline is misused often in the context of Femdom… discipline is a tool for correcting unsatisfactory behaviour which is very different from “role playing” where a naughty boy gets spanked in playful fun. Keep your standards reasonable so they can succeed in the tasks being given (unless they are total humiliation sluts who want to fail always). There is nothing like the pleasure of success and the rewards that go with it (for both parties involved) …Mistakes are the portals of discovery. ALL mistakes will teach you (both) something.

What does my submissive need to remain in a power exchange relationship?

  • Do they need constant attention?
  • Do they need rewards?
  • Do they need time set aside each week for scenes?
  • Are they content just taking care of you?
  • Do they crave discipline or stern treatment?

Find out what they consider to be the most important things in a Femdom relationship and make sure to incorporate some of those needs in order to satisfy both of you. I could answer these questions for you, but in truth you both need to discuss this matter for yourself. What I find my submissive needs are, maybe very different from what your submissive needs, desires and wants to maintain the relationship.

Where will the power exchange exist? (bedroom only, home only, always, etc.)

If your sub is a exhibitionist and you are a very private person that submissive isn’t going to fly to the level they desire within their submission. Establishing these boundaries early on will help maintain that power exchange relationship only within the parameters established. Of course in time these limits can and often do change so communication is essential as you both grow and explore your relationship.

What are my responsibilities to my submissive?

Time to look inside again…are You willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails? Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place as safely, as possible. The submissive you find may desire being hurt, are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams

If someone is going to entrust you with their life then you are going to have some serious responsibilities. Once you find activities that interest you, you will need to learn how to do these activities safely. In addition taking a first aid course is highly encouraged for anyone pursuing a Femdom relationship – especially if your submissive is over 40 or has a history of heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, seizures, asthma, etc. Knowing how to care for your submissive partner when they are not capable of taking care of themselves IS the responsibility of the Mistress.

Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about safety. There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS.( you can find more links in our resource section)

What are my submissives responsibilities to me

If your submissive gets injured it is your responsibility, if your submissive is struggling with flash backs of anxiety attacks it is your responsibility to care for your sub. They are trusting you with their very lives, this is a serious responsibility. But that being said your submissive has a responsibility to take care of your needs as well. They need to know when your energy is low. They need to know how to read your reactions and to assess your requirements. They also have a responsibility to communicate candidly.

Answers are only found when we begin to question why.

Knowledge IS power so the more you know, the more you are able to use in pushing beyond where you are now to where you desire to be tomorrow.

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Further Resources:

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

Posted on

Explicit Consent / Implicit consent

What are the qualities that make a great play partner? Ask ten people and you’ll get ten wildly diverse answers, but you’ll also find that some qualities are universally cherished. Clear communication about desires, interests and turn-offs is at the top of the hit parade, and the ability to listen – really listen – is as precious as tickets to a Pearl Jam concert. In fact, play that is safe, sensual and satisfying depends on the ability of partners to absorb information via all six of the senses. Everything you see, hear, taste, smell, touch and intuit provides an awareness of your partner and yourself that you need in order to play considerately and consensually.

BDSM players often speak of “pushing limits” or taking partners to their edges. Newcomers to the experience may erroneously conclude that these phrases imply going beyond activities that were agreed upon. Mostly, they would be wrong. Yet, consent is a tricky concept, and includes at least two sub-categories: explicit and implicit consent. Safe, enjoyable play requires an appreciation of the differences between them.

Explicit Consent

In the early stages of a relationship, discussing the boundaries of consent allows players to develop their connection and ascertain skill and experience levels. Spelling out what is and is not OK is important to the development of trust. Plus, this information gives the top a chance to slowly discover the range of a bottom’s sensitivities without making unwarranted assumptions or taking unwise risks.

One way to initiate negotiations is to discuss the items on one of the “bdsm checklists” here on site. These lists allow partners to numerically rate a nearly unfathomable variety of activities, indicating their level of experience and enjoyment or potential interest in each. Talking about the items elicits a wealth of insights and enables free-flowing discussion about even the most extreme variations. Using the lists helps partners see how the other thinks and processes information, and encourages expanded discussion about items of special interest or concern.

Favorite flavors and “hard limits” – i.e., those “no way in this lifetime” activities – are clarified.

During initial play sessions, negotiated activity can be limited to items that both partners have rated highly. Preferences are hardly ambiguous when you’re staring at a sheaf of papers that have 5’s (love it!) and 4’s scribbled under some categories, but not others. Plus, when the getting-to-know you process is also the first stage in scouting for a serious relationship, it’s useful to know early-on whether the items that one person rates a perpetual 5 only warrants a 1 – or even an “over my dead body” 0 – from the other.

Implicit Consent

As a relationship progresses, some forms of explicit consent may no longer be required. For instance, if your partner knows you’re OK with anal plugs, and you know that your partner is skillful in inserting them, she probably doesn’t need your explicit consent to surprise you with a larger plug, or one that vibrates. You have a safeword, you’ve established mutual trust, so she can go for the gusto, confident that you will let her know if you’re unhappy with the new sensations. You, in turn, feel safe in the hands of someone with experience interpreting your every shade of oooh, aaah, and ouch.

Consent can get tricky, however, when you’ve given someone clear permission to push the boundaries of intimate activity. In that case, consent to new activities becomes implicit rather than explicitly negotiated. Forms of explicitly outlined consensual “non-consent” occur mostly in relationships where the “top” is given express psychological control over the “bottom.” Here, the terms dominant and submissive better describe the power dynamic. A submissive might explicitly relinquish power to the dominant in specified areas of life, including the erotic sphere. That would mean, theoretically, that within the confines of reason and safety, the dominant could do anything she wishes. Does this mean that your partner can or should do things that you would find disgusting or frightening? Does he or she really have carte blanche? The answer to those questions is – explicitly – no!

Even in the realm of implicit consent, the submissive should always retain a safeword to alert the partner to unforeseen (or invisible to the dom) problems. The dominant is implicitly expected to focus on the submissive’s pleasure as much as, if not more than, her own. (“Pleasure” is a subjective experience, which is why knowing one’s partner well is key here.) Even pain-play is meant to be ecstatically pleasing, and any activity that the dominant has reason to suspect would be repellent to the submissive, or which he is not sufficiently skilled to employ safely should be avoided – and “safe” encompasses both the physical and psychological. Nobody gets “dom-credit” for being rash and thoughtless. To the contrary, for serious players within a community of players, inconsiderate or irresponsible partners may be identified publicly. A reputation as a worthy play-partner can be built or destroyed based upon maintaining consistent respect for the needs and desires of one’s partners. Respect may even include ignoring a submissive’s craving for more intensity if the dominant suspects that she is too strung out on endorphins to be a good judge of her own condition. Backing off if the dominant is concerned for the submissive’s well-being – even if the sub is begging for more – is an often under-rated aspect of sensitive and considerate play.

A submissive who later complains about a dom’s caution could be seen as inconsiderate of the dom’s right to feel safe, too. Submissives can manipulate and shame dominants just as dominants can upset submissives. A sensitive submissive partner is one who understands how precarious the dom’s moment to moment decisions can be, who doesn’t expect a “mind-reader,” and who knows that the quality of his communication is crucial to the dominant’s ability to orchestrate a fulfilling experience for both of them.

The term “play” is used for a reason: kinky sexuality is all about entrancing times for adults, deep erotic connection, and lingering bliss. Looking back on a play-date with a happy gleam in one’s eye – not anger, regret, shame, or a bill from the ER – is the whole point.

My advice to tops/dominants is to move slowly in new relationships. Be willing to err on the side of safety and concern for the bottom and in the interests of your own peace of mind. There will always be time later to play harder, test limits, and audaciously challenge one’s self and one’s partner. In the world of kinky play, giant leaps are mostly for the arrogant and childish. Respectful steps are for smart, savvy grown-ups.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.

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