Tag: BDSM Tips

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Multi Orgasmic

What does it mean to have “great sex”? Ask a thousand people, and you’ll get a thousand answers. Sex is a complex mix of the physical, the mental and the spiritual, and for each man and woman, the optimal balance is different. For some, brain stimulation- romance, mystery, love, even danger-dominates the sexual encounter; for others, the greatness is all in the technique, the sensations. Sorry, but we’re not going to focus deeply on those things. Instead, we’re going to take one step back. Our perspective is that no matter how you define great sex, you won’t be able to achieve it without plenty of stamina, energy and ejaculatory control. These we can teach you. Any man can become “multi-orgasmic”. It only requires a basic understanding of male sexuality and certain techniques. Most men’s sexuality is focused on the goal of ejaculating, rather than on the actual process of lovemaking and pleasing his Mistress. Once a man becomes multi-orgasmic he will not only be able to better satisfy himself, but also more effectively satisfy his partner/Mistress.

Technically, multiple orgasms occur in succession, without complete loss of sexual arousal in between. Women are blessed with the ability to have multiple orgasms. Not many are aware that men with proper training they can actually do the same. In the case of women, multiple orgasm means resuming sexual stimulation shortly after a first orgasmic climax, usually immediately or within a few minutes, so that a second climax may be reached. If the woman does indeed experience further climaxes during the same sexual encounter, she is said to be multi-orgasmic.

Most men mistakenly believe that being able to regain their erection as soon as possible after ejaculation and reaching another climax within some arbitrary period of time qualifies as being multi-orgasmic. This is false because the true multi-orgasmic male does not lose his erection between orgasms. Multiple male orgasms include only orgasm and not ejaculation. The only exception being, when ejaculation accompanies the final orgasm in a multi-orgasmic experience. Of course, here pubococcygeal muscle is meant. With help of this muscle dogs and cats can move their tails whereas humans can use it only for sex. “You need a lot of different events to occur in the body for ejaculation to happen. “There’s muscle contraction, there’s breathing, there’s pressure you bring to bear on the penis. To a large degree, there are techniques any man can learn so that he can delay his orgasm and enjoy sex for longer periods of time.

Before continuing it would be important to better understand the technical process involved in the “Sexual Arousal Cycle”

1. Excitement Phase

  • Vasocongestion (excessive filling of the blood vessels of a tissue or organ)
  • Erection
  • Increased heart rate
  • Partial testicular elevation and size increase (Tumescence)
  • Nipple erection

2. Plateau Phase

  • Further increase in penis tip size and testicles
  • Full testicular elevation
  • Purple hue on corona (although not always)
  • Cowper’s gland (pre-cum) secretions
  • Hyperventilation

3. Orgasm Phase (Consists of Emission & Ejaculation)

  • Emission
  • Sperm and fluid are expelled from the vas deferens, seminal vesicles and prostate gland, causing seminal fluid to collect at the base of the urethral bulb near the prostate.
  • Myotonia – (muscular rigidity just before the release tension)
  • Blood pressure and respiratory rate increase further.
  • Ejaculatory Inevitability (point of no return) there is a consciousness of imminent ejaculation.
  • Ejaculation
  • Bladder sphincter closes tightly
  • Rhythmic contractions of the prostate, perineal muscles and penile shaft propel semen outward.
  • A slight clouding of consciousness

4. Resolution Phase

  • Erection loss
  • Testes descend and scrotum thins
  • Reversal in Myotonia and Vasocongestion
  • Reduced heart rate and lowered blood pressure.

How are multiple orgasms possible?

The male and female sexual “response cycles” are strikingly similar. The primary difference between the two is male ejaculation. Multi-orgasmic women are able to have successive orgasms if stimulation is resumed shortly after the first orgasm because they do not ejaculate (not withstanding reports that some women are able to ejaculate (as this has never been adequately scientifically explained).

Ejaculation initiates the refractory period in males. During this time, most men are unable to achieve another erection or even receive further stimulation due to the loss of sexual tension and the penis is usually too sensitive to touch. Since women are not biologically programmed to ejaculate, they do not have this annoying feature and are able to learn about and achieve multiple orgasms much easier than men.

The first key to understanding how men can have multiple orgasms is to understand that orgasm and ejaculation are distinct events, which one can learn to distinguish and separate. Most men have always accepted orgasm and ejaculation as one in the same because they happen in such rapid succession, orgasm beginning slightly before (ejaculation) then tapering off during ejaculation.

The second key to navigating the path to multiple orgasm is gaining the ability to separate orgasm and ejaculation.

The ability to separate these events involves the pubococcygeal muscle, or pelvic floor muscle, or “PC muscle” as it’s more commonly known. You may know this muscle for its ability to stop the flow of urine in mid-stream. If stopping the flow is difficult, you have a weak PC muscle. If this is the case you will need to work on strengthening the PC muscle before you’ll be able to have multiple orgasms. If you squeeze or contract the PC muscle you should feel like everything deep in your pelvis is being drawn upward.

Here are the signs that you need to know if you need to make your pubococcygeal (pc) muscle stronger.

  • A. If stopping the flow of your urine is difficult, then you have a weak pc muscle.
  • B. If you have poor posture, then you may have a weak pc muscle.
  • C. You can not have intercourse longer than 3 minutes before ejaculating.
  • D. Urine leakage when you sneeze or cough.

First off we will start with breathing

Breathing Exercises:

Sit in a comfortable position relaxing the shoulders. Place hands on the abdomen, just below the belly button. Inhale deeply. Breathing deeply through the nose, so that the belly pushes out. Exhale fully. Exhale to a point to a point of which the belly contracts back to the spine. The pelvis and testicles may feel as if they are pulling up slightly. Repeat this exercise from 9 to 36 times.

Squeeze and pull down:

The next exercise. Masturbate until you feel you are about to cum. At this moment you should stop, have a rest for 30 seconds. After than you should continue masturbating. Other variant is this: as soon as you feel you are reaching orgasm, squeeze the head of the penis or pull down the scrotum. Thus you will learn to have so called “dry orgasms”, i.e. orgasms without ejaculation. Truly speaking “dry” orgasms are not as strong as “wet”, but they do have advantages. First of all you do not lose erection and you can continue performing intercourse for as long time as needed. Secondly, the final, “wet” will be fantastic! You’ll be astonished by orgasmic sensations!

Preparing yourself:

Having multiple orgasms as a male is pretty remarkable, but it will take a great deal of preparation. As mentioned earlier, one of the first steps is to discover the PC muscle. It’s essential to become intimately familiar with this muscle in order to learn to control it very precisely. Some of this control will come with experience, but most will come by strengthening it through regular exercise. Once it’s been discovered where it is (most easily while urinating), it can be exercised anywhere, without anyone knowing. “Masturbation can help you to learn what your limits are. You can determine what feels good and what feels too good, to the point of losing control,” Masturbation also helps you control ejaculation another way. If you masturbate within a few hours of when you think you’re going to have sex, you’ll take the edge off your anticipation and be able to go longer. Practicing: You can begin experimenting on your own at first (while masturbating).

Master your feelings:

One of the best ways to practice ejaculatory control is by yourself. Make yourself comfortable and then begin masturbating as you might normally. Stop just before you reach the point of no return (the point where you would ejaculate). Contract (squeeze) and hold your PC muscle for a count of ten. Allow yourself relax and take a few minutes break. Begin masturbating again, this time bringing yourself just a bit closer to the point of no return, again contracting your PC muscle. Continue masturbating while paying very special attention to your own state of arousal and emotional feelings. The key here is to learn more about your own sexual response so that down the road you’ll be more in control of it.

Stopping “right” before ejaculation

Continue masturbating, except this time; keep going until you reach orgasm. Right as you orgasm you should notice several contractions that signal the beginning of ejaculation in the base of your penis and perhaps even deeper inside your pelvis. As these contractions begin or preferably just before (but still during the orgasm), stop all stimulation to the penis and squeeze the PC muscle tight. You’ll probably feel yourself trying to ejaculate, but hold it back! Squeezing your PC muscle effectively shuts off your ejaculation, if you are successful, and erases the refractory period.

A small amount semen may seep out, but not with any of the force you might normally experience during an unrestrained singular orgasm. If you were able to hold off ejaculating after your orgasm, start masturbating again now. It should feel as though you are still very aroused, not like you just ejaculated. You should be able to continue for a short time until you have another orgasm. If you were unable to keep from ejaculating the first time, either your PC muscle isn’t strong enough yet or you squeezed it at the wrong time. If you begin squeezing too late after the ejaculatory contractions have already begun, it is nearly impossible to shut stop the process completely. With practice you will learn the timing.

Partnering:

There are many possible techniques you can use to greatly increase your success in becoming multi-orgasmic. Perhaps the greatest technique you can practice is to share your experiences in becoming a multi-orgasmic man with your romantic partner. If you are eventually successful, this can be a wonderful opportunity for you to significantly increase the pleasure you both receive during lovemaking.

Don’t desensitize:

Most guys try to hold off as long as they can by focusing on something other than sex-usually something mundane such as baseball stats or going down the list of chores you have to do around the house. This is the wrong way to go about it. “You might think you’re avoiding ejaculating, but what you’re really doing is cheating yourself out of the pleasure of sex. Don’t distract yourself. Concentrate on the feeling of your partner’s body against your body,” At first, this may make ejaculatory control a bit iffy. “But ultimately, you’ll find it makes your control stronger. You’ll get better with practice

Be a lord of the rings:

If you and your partner are not opposed to the idea of sex toys and other equipment, consider investing eight or ten dollars in a penis ring or some times called cockrings , a constrictive device that you slide or snap over the base of the penis. Similar devices are available from medical supply houses but should only be used under the direction of your physician, according to Dr. Whitehead who I contacted from the erection clinic. The ring traps blood in the penis and helps you maintain hard erections for longer periods of time. They also have the side benefit of blocking ejaculation, he adds. Two caveats: Don’t wear it for longer than 20 to 30 minutes at a time-cutting off blood flow to the penis for too long can cause tissue damage. Also, you may find that ejaculating while wearing the ring may cause a retrograde ejaculation: Semen can’t travel via its normal route, so it backwashes into the bladder. It’s not harmful, but you might find it uncomfortable.

Overcoming problems:

Undoubtedly the biggest obstacle most men will report when trying to become multi-orgasmic is failure to squeeze their PC muscle sufficiently during orgasm to ward off ejaculation. You may feel some contractions, but do not stop squeezing at this point because a few ejaculatory contractions are likely even if you are successful in eventually stopping them. If you are successful, the contractions will stop before you ejaculate and you should be able to resume stimulation without a loss of sensitivity, as would be present during the refractory period after ejaculation.

Another common problem many men may report with these techniques is failing to determine exactly where the boundaries of plateau, orgasm, and ejaculation begin and end. If you cannot determine the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, a key to becoming multi-orgasmic, you can only succeed by accident and not intentionally.

Some men may try to stimulate themselves very quickly and rigorously, and this is not the best way to become aware of your personal level of sexual awareness. Taking the stimulation slower rather than faster will allow you to discover your personal boundaries between arousal, plateau, and orgasm more easily. With these discoveries you will have a much greater chance of learning when to squeeze your PC muscle, when to stop stimulation, and when to relax your PC muscle and resume stimulation to experience another orgasm.

Pelvic pressure after arousal. Pressure in the pelvic area is a natural result of increased blood flow into the genital area. If the level of this pressure is uncomfortable, it will be helpful to breathe deeply, elevate the lower extremities and massage the perineum and testicles lightly. This will help the body assimilate the energy from the testicles to the rest of the body. It would be best also to stay in a reclined position for 5 – 10 minutes.

Other Benefits:

It is quite possible that if you have other sexual problems such as premature ejaculation, learning to become multi-orgasmic will help you tremendously during lovemaking. Not only will you be able to greatly prolong the session by suppressing ejaculation until you choose, but you will be free to release your worries and anxiety and focus more on pleasing your partner. The list of positive effects can be nearly endless!

Age:

Some men may wonder if age can have any effect on the chances of success in becoming multi-orgasmic. There’s no reason why sexually mature men of all ages shouldn’t see the same high rate of success, assuming they are sexually active and have a high level of personal sexual awareness. A strong pubococcygeal muscle gives more blood to the genitals making erections come more easily If you have no trouble reaching singular orgasms either by yourself or with a partner, then learning how to become multi-orgasmic may only be a matter of patience, determination, and effort. If you do have trouble having singular orgasms or opening up sexually with yourself and your partner, however, then perhaps there are other issues that you need to deal with before multiple orgasms will be a possibility for you. This guide is not prepared to address any problems with orgasms beyond the relatively simple matters discussed in this section. If you are experiencing more serious problems, please consider consulting your healthcare provider or a therapist. They should be able to provide you with the professional advice that we are not equipped to handle.

Ancient Ideas:

The concept of being a multi-orgasmic male is not new at all. Ancient Chinese philosophers called Taoists, have known about this and many other profound sexual concepts and practices thousands of years ago. Many of these sexual secrets remain surprisingly unknown, even now in the age of sexual awareness and liberation. Despite the fact that during the 1940s and 1950s several sex researchers in the West studied and confirmed the ability of males to experience multiple orgasms. Even at present, the amount of sexual ignorance, misdirection, and confusion is astonishing.

In Closing:

The bottom line is that your ability to have multiple orgasms depends on your overall sexual awareness, and the strength and control of your PC muscle among many other factors. As with all noteworthy achievements, this is not something that can necessarily be accomplished all at once. While reading this guide and having multiple orgasms in one night is certainly possible, you should understand that it could take several weeks or even months before you succeed. Your results will depend on your own personal effort and determination. The problem is remembering to do them. After all, it’s not like there’s a Kegelcisor exercise machine sitting in your living room or basement, reminding you to do your sexercises. So here’s a short list of tips to remind you of the simplicity and beauty of Kegels, which you can do anytime, anywhere. (Kegel prounced like bagel but with a K)

Kegels and bagels:

Ah, breakfast, the most important meal of the day. And no better time to start your daylong Kegel routine. Clench your PC muscles with every bite you take of breakfast. Try to hold the clench for as long as it takes you to sip and swallow a mouthful of coffee.

Kegel and Hegel:

The German philosopher claimed that reality was based in ideas, not in things. Remember that as you’re explaining your ideas at the next meeting. And take a minute to ground yourself in your own reality. Do a few quick PC clenches while your boss is mulling your ideas over. Heck, he might be doing the same thing.

Kegel and finagle:

Buying a new car, but don’t feel like paying new car prices? Or maybe you’re at the local flea market, trying to get that antique dresser for a steal. It doesn’t matter; just remember to clench while you’re trying to clinch that deal. Even if your finagling doesn’t get you the price you want, your ejaculatory muscles-and your partner-will consider it time well-spent even is the cash wasn‘t well spent *grins*.

Kegels and Eagles:

Jets, Cowboy’s Raider, swans or hawks. Yes, even when you appear to the entire world to be a couch potato, absorbed in the afternoon game, you know that you’re working to gain yardage in the great gridiron of your bedroom. Do a Kegel every time the teams come to the line of scrimmage. Hold the clench for the duration of every pass or kick. And every time someone makes a touchdown (or mark a goal for footy fans); do as many as you can in the space of a couple seconds. In the game of sex, there are players and there are punters. Be a player.

Kegels and weasels:

When you’re trying to weasel your way out of a request your Mistress has made upon you, work that Kegel, the effort will pay off, concentrating on your Kegels will also focus you on your Mistress, with the added bonus of making your task time more interesting.

Kegel and Nagel:

You’re wandering around the local art museum, trying to make sense of paintings that appear to defy all reason for existence, but your Mistress loves the art. When the gallery before your eyes doesn’t meet your high artistic standards, summon up a vision of the Birth of Venus, or a nice marble statue of an ample Italian beauty or the smooth, electric lines of a Nagel nude. Kegel your way past the modern art. If you see something that catches your eye, hold the clench for as long as you can. Think of the strokes you’ll be adding later to the great masterpiece that is your sex life. Now, that’s art. Good luck, practice practice practice!!!!!!!!

Article MissBonnie Feb 2008 © CollarNcuffs.com

related reading:

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
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sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

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how to approach your wife about D/s.

First things first! I want to make it very clear that the way I am suggesting a male submissive introduce his wife to FemDom is strictly my opinion. I have very limited experience and all I can share is the contrast between when I was first introduced to this lifestyle by my husband and this last time. While this last time I initiated the D/s relationship, I was still originally introduced to it by my husband. I would have had no idea what Female Domination was if he hadn’t come to me 10 years ago and expressed his desires. With that said – onto my post.

Originally my husband came to me and shared that he liked to be tied up. He approached me subtly in the context of doing something new and fresh in the bedroom. I had seen Basic Instinct and thought it was really hot when Sharon Stone had tied up Michael Douglas with silk scarves. I was game and decided to indulge my husband. After I tied him to the bed with some neck ties I thought it was fun. He seemed to enjoy it very much and I had never seen him so excited. We continued to play for a while, advancing to rope. I would say my husband was a fantasy driven submissive, possibly even a fetishist. Although he doesn’t have a particular fetish (other than possibly a foot fetish) he was totally obsessed with bondage and humiliation.

Since I really didn’t know any better the entire experience was about him and pleasing him. He focused on his wants and needs and never considered the adoration and worship of me. He assumed I enjoyed this as much as he did and was shocked when I expressed my desire to stop playing. Our regular sex life had been replaced with BDSM and our entire lives were revolving around it. It was very easy for my husband to get caught up in the sexual aspect of D/s, very easy. While we weren’t playing, he would be on the internet looking at bondage and BDSM sites. He would regularly bug me to play and “tie him up”. When regular life was taking place he was lazy and self centered. Instead of telling me how wonderful I was, he would tell me what he wanted me to do. If I wasn’t being mean enough, he would ask me to be meaner. If I wasn’t talking enough, he would ask me to talk more to him. I was left feeling that being a Domme was more of a chore than anything. Instead of him letting the process evolve naturally, he tried to force it.

He wanted the fantasy in his mind to become a reality, but what he failed to realize is reality doesn’t hold a candle to fantasy. In our fantasies there are no kids, no work, no financial responsibilities. Most women, whether FemDom or not, do not want a inanimate object to order around 24/7 and use for only sex. I am sure there are a few but most want a life partner that they can share their triumphs and tribulations with. It is purely fantasy, where a FemDom has a sub sit in the corner, waiting for her next command, always bitchy and controlling. For me there are days where the last thing I want to do is give a command. Usually on those days I want to be cuddled and told over and over how wonderful and beautiful I am. How I am my husbands whole world and he couldn’t imagine living without me. What really puts the icing on the cake is if he tells me I am the perfect woman, and he wouldn’t change a thing about me. I am human; I cry, laugh, get angry, get sick, and get PMS. I am the whole package, not a male created FemDom written about for other subs to read and jack off to. So, how would I recommend a male submissive introduce their wives to D/s: take it slow, very slow. The last thing you want to do is go to your wife and tell her all your deep dark submissive secrets. Trust me when I tell you she will completely freak out if you go to her and tell her you wish to be tied up like a mummy and forced to be fucked in the ass with a huge strap on. Down the road you might be able to tell her that but definitely not right away.

Begin with serving her. If you don’t already help with the household chores (whether she works or is a stay at home mom), start helping. Don’t ask what you can do to help her, just do it. If she regularly cooks, cook one night and let her relax and read a book. When dinner is over, clear the table and do the dishes. Maybe get a nice bath ready for her, with the works: Candles, wine, oils, soft music. If you can, sit beside the tub and rub her back and wash her. Talk about her day and how things are going in her life. Spontaneously kiss her hand while you are driving somewhere and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that you are lucky she chose you to share her life with. During your next romp in the sack, focus on her pleasure only. Go so far as to not orgasm at all. When she goes to reciprocate by pleasuring you, tell her this night was about her and only her. Sit on the floor beside her and rub her feet, especially if she works and wears high heals all day. If you have children and she normally gets them ready for bed, you get them ready, while allowing her to relax and watch TV. Make her feel like a Queen!

Eventually she will ask you what is up. Now this is the crucial time – DO NOT SPRING ON HER YOUR KINKY DESIRES! This will just convey to her that the only reason you are doing all these nice things is to get something from her. This will be the fastest way to turn her off. A woman wants nothing more than to be adored and loved. If she thinks that you are only doing these nice things to get what you want, she will feel resentment and look at you as totally selfish and self-centered. You want to ignite her Dominance with your subtle submission. You will start to notice a change in her. She will start to feel love and adoration for you in return. She will then come to you and initiate a conversation, possibly about wanting to do something to please you. This is OK. Men and women want to please each other and there is nothing wrong with your potential Domme wife wanting to do that. This is the time to gently share with her a little bit of your desires. Start with something non-threatening to her. Bondage is a great starter. Our society has embraced using silk scarves or neck ties to tie your lover’s hands to the bedpost and ravish them. She will probably not be threatened about this in the least.

Another thing you could try is surprising her with a date night. Get a sitter (if you have kids) and take her to a nice restaurant. Set up some champagne at home, with candles in your bedroom. Make one of the candles her favorite scented candle (look around the house and you will see her favorite). Have clean sheets on the bed with maybe some rose petals thrown on the bed and floor. Make sure they are red roses. Get a romantic sex game and have it set up on the bed. There are some great romantic sex games out there. If you don’t have a vibrator, get one. The rabbit or something similar is perfect. When you start playing the game there will be “Share a fantasy card” that you will get. Stack the deck if you have too. Then when you get that fantasy card, share with her a simple fantasy of being tied up and teased. That is just an example of a simple, non-threatening BDSM fantasy that shouldn’t freak her out.

Well, those are some simple pointers to start with. Just remember that in today’s society, women have so much on their plates. They work full time or stay at home raising kids all day. They have so much responsibility the last thing they want is to be responsible for you. If your wife gets the impression that this is just another thing she has to do, she will hate it. A male submissive is there to enhance his Dommes life, not hinder it. She has to see the positives in it for her, not what she has to do to keep you happy.

True male submission is adoring, loving and worshiping your Wife. You will find fulfilment and satisfaction in serving her. The bondage and spanking and humiliation is fun, but the bottom line is the adoration you have for your Domme. Just ask my husband, he would rather kiss and lick my body from head to toe, making me orgasm over and over, than being tied up and teased. Before, he only wanted the later, but now he lives to worship and serve me. He is just lucky that I like to tie him up and tease the shit out of him. But that is a whole other post.

Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost some her entries. If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog

Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted. © collarncuffs.com

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave  starting out sub 

multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

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You’re submissive, what now?

When we first discover these facets about ourselves, after the initial shock, psycho analyzing ourselves, etc, we are eager to find someone to share our lives and ourselves with. It is only natural that we seek a partner. Nobody wants to be alone. As Submissives, you have an overwhelming need to belong to and/or serve someone. This is a normal need. All experience it.

Because of this strong need to belong, many newcomers to the scene make decisions too quickly and brashly. They may meet someone weather online or in person, and because there is interest, jump ‘head first’ into a relationship with someone they barely know, just to have that sense of belonging or to feel the excitement of ownership. Experience is great, but a bad experience can ‘hurt’ in more ways than one. Wait… Now is not the time to go seeking your “one true Mistress” «< a phrase I detest .

Now that you’ve discovered this wondrous facet contained in yourself, it’s time to learn more about yourself. READ… READ…READ and read some more…I cannot stress this enough.

Take the time to learn all the different aspects of D/s, S/M, or the all-encompassing BDSM/Femdom. You don’t have to like pain, but if you do, that’s fine too. What rocks your world, may be another total turn off, we all are different but many things you’ll find the same…So explore. What’s out there? What are your options? What’s the difference between humiliation and degradation? What is scarification? What’s a St Andrews cross, a tens pad, a vampire glove? Read the resource section, learn the terms. Soak up what ever knowledge you can find…use the net for more than porn…Yes the net is more than porn; it’s your door way into a world you dream and long for.

If you don’t know what your options are, how can you make an educated decision about your life? You should not expect to find someone out there to decide that for you. You have to decide who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for in a partner, BEFORE searching for the one to whom you will give yourself. There are so many books and websites out there to read, study, and get the knowledge you need to find your partner.

Keep in mind, however, that books and websites are guidelines, not the end-all to anything. They are meant to be informative so you can make your own decisions, not recipes or directions of how it must be done. Even recipe ingredients can be substituted, and if you miss a turn, there is usually an alternate route. If you find one that says, “You must do X or else you aren’t submissive,” it’s probably not the site you want to be learning from. And, if you feel you are submissive, don’t let ANYONE tell you aren’t just because you feel differently than they do on a subject.

Okay. Now you’ve read every website you can find and every book you could get your hands on. It’s time to talk to other Submissives. Go to local munches and meetings (if there are any near you, you’ll find a list in the forum section under events), and meet others in the lifestyle, join in of forums, join the chat room you’ll be surprised what you can learn just chatting with others. Too many times, people are terrified to go to these things because they don’t know what to expect. They fear they’ll say something wrong, make fools of themselves, or get “in trouble”. No one is going to punish you, or expect anything of you at all. You’re not being interviewed for a position. We’re just people… who happen to be kinky. We sit around and talk about similar interests. Not much different if you went to a meeting about ‘painting’. Different people might talk about different paints and brushes, strokes, canvas, etc. But they all have the same interest. Painting.

We have a wonderful page here on site written by rooroo on his first experience Talk to both dominants and Submissives. (They won’t bite you…unless you want them to or provoke them LOL)… Find out what their lives are like, how they do, what they do? Ask questions, if you don’t ask you will never know. Get advice. Keeping in mind that not all advice you get from “seasoned” Submissives (or Dommes) will be good advice.

A little story about what happened to me in this regard: I often go to munches and meetings. At one of these meetings, the topic was “punishment”. I heard a statement that “Mistress hardly ever punished me“. According to his Mistress, he hardly ever requires it. Anyway, as I heard this statement, people were surprised that in the 2 years they had been together, he had only been punished once. One submissive, whom I respected, suggested that he purposely avoid some of his responsibilities to “test” his Mistress, I forget the direct quote but it was along the lines of ‘don’t fuel the car, so she runs out’… to see if She would punish him. That was about the worst advice I’d ever heard from a respected sub. His Mistress did run out of fuel in a very bad part of town, things turned out ok…but the possible outcome could have been worse. His mistress ‘trusted’ him with her safety (as you trust her) would you want a Domme who has no respect for your safety? He is submissive, why in the world would he want to upset his Mistress, or place her in danger. The moral is, while advice is a good thing, not all advice will be sound advice. So… as I often say, “Take what you like, and leave the rest.”

However, the following piece of advice is definitely worth reading. When you go to a munch, a club, a meeting, etc. Please…don’t beg entrance, curtsy, bow, or float gracefully across the room and fall gently to your knees before the Dommes, offering rose petals or whatever other lame thing is done in many chat rooms of that sort. You will be laughed off the face of the earth, dismissed as a dumb-ass, or if done in a public place, taken by the police to the nearest psych unit. LOL… No need to put on a big show or draw that kind of attention to yourself. Once in a relationship, if you’re dominant wants you to curtsy to him or her, that’s his or her call. Just be respectful and be yourself.

One of the common misnomers which irritate me is that “RESPECT must be earned”. That’s just not true. If you were out shopping and had a question, you might say, “Excuse me Ma’am, could you tell me where I can find the paper towels?” That’s showing respect.

Good manners, count everywhere in life Femdom is no different.

You know… those things our parents or guardians tried to in grain in us when we were growing up. Showing good manners is being respectful. Calling someone Sir, Ma’am, Doctor, Sgt., Professor, etc. are all examples of showing respect for someone. I use titles of that sort when talking to anyone I’m not on familiar terms with. However, in my opinion, the terms “Master” & “Mistress” should not be used lightly. Just because a woman is someone’s Mistress, doesn’t mean you must (or, should) call her that. She is that person’s Mistress, not yours. If you wish to show respect to someone else’s Master or Mistress, a simple “Sir” or “Ma’am” is adequate. Growing up, I was taught that respect should be given to everyone (regardless of societal status, employment, and later in life, whether they’re in the lifestyle or not). So I do. I respect everyone, unless and until they do something and no longer deserve my respect.

TRUST, on the other hand, is what must be earned.

If you were out shopping, would you trust the lady behind the counter to tie you up, and play with you? Would you trust her to not hurt you? Would you trust her to make decisions about your life? I certainly hope not. Going back to that ‘jumping too quickly’ and ‘needing to belong to someone’ thing, let’s expand a bit. You’ve studied, learned about yourself, and talked to others in the lifestyle. Now you’re ready to find a partner, so you start actively looking. Decide what you DO and DO NOT want in a partner. Both are equally important. Once you find someone you share an interest with, discover your compatibility. It’s very important to discuss all areas and aspects of the life and type of relationship you might be sharing with your prospective partner. It’s important to know where they stand on the D/s scheme of things. Some of the things you might wish to discuss include, but are not limited to: Dynamics of the relationship, expectations, punishment, types of play, limits, safety (including safe sex), safewords, health (mental & physical), etc. We have many of these mentioned resources articles available on CollarNcuffs.com

However, what about life in general together?

There is more to finding a partner than whether or not they are an experienced and good top/dominant. Is she a good human being? Can you trust this person not only with your physical well-being, but can you trust them to make decisions for you based on your moral beliefs? That part is often overlooked in the beginning, as the Femdom part seems to be the main focus when trying to determine compatibility. But what about things like: Bank accounts, will they be joint?; is marriage an option?; what if gets pregnant?; what if one of you cannot have children?; is religion an important issue to one or both of you?; will you be allowed, expected, or required to work outside the home?; does your prospective partner use drugs or alcohol?; what about medical care?; what about family? Find out about these and any other things that may be important to you.

When in a D/s relationship, there is a certain amount of conditioning/training/change that may take place. But, if you try to conform to the dominant’s ‘grand plan’, when it absolutely does not match your own desires and needs, then you are “settling” and are not likely to find yourself in an ideal situation. I’m not saying you have to agree on every little detail. That whole “to-may-toe/ to-mah-toe” thing isn’t a big issue, but there are many things that you may not be able to compromise on. Compromise is good…but knowing when and on what issues is vital.

Too often, some novices will settle for what they might believe is the best they can do, as opposed to what they really need. Maybe they’ve searched for months or even a couple of years without success. This can be exceptionally disheartening. However, settling for the first person that shows you attention can be disastrous. Would you go to a bar, meet a person and then run off to the Justice of the Peace and marry her that very night, that week, or even that month? Most probably not. Generic vanilla-type questions are just as important, as the D/s related ones.

GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER.

You have the inalienable right to consent. It is your choice, and that choice should not be made rashly. In getting to know your partner, she will be learning about you too. It is “imperative” that you be completely honest not only with her, but with yourself as well. Tell her what you need, what you’re interested in, what you’re afraid of, what you might want to try some time in the future, but perhaps aren’t ready for yet. If you are unsure about something, say so. If you don’t know what something is, ask. Dominants are not mind-readers… If you want something, ask… Even though it detracts from your ideal of having a dominant JUST KNOW what we want/need. Most people aren’t experts on taking hints. So, if they don’t know you want it, chances are… you won’t get it.

If you do ask, and they don’t really give you an answer, in some cases, you may have to reaffirm your interest, possibly even a few times. It might be that she simply wants to make sure it’s something you really want, and not a whim. Been there…done that…LOL… If they haven’t given you a definite a, just remind her that you really want to try it, whatever it happens to be. However, I don’t recommend nagging.

“Triggers” is another topic of importance.

Think incredibly hard about your past. The times you’ve been hurt, specific words, names, or scenarios that could cause a ‘trigger-effect’ (define this as “something that makes you cringe and/or recall vividly bad past experiences”). It’s not exactly fun to reflect on the bad parts of our past, but is important to do so in order to help avoid possibly bad situations in the future. Make sure you know each other’s limits, too. Too often, new Submissives are afraid to say “no” due to a fear of disappointing their dominant or not seeming “very submissive” if they refuse. That’s bull!!! Limits are set for a reason, and it’s ok to say no. Always, always, always play with a safe word.

Good luck and remember to enjoy!!!

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

related reading in the same section:

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

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The Male Submissive – Chivalry or weakness?

What image comes to mind when you hear the word “male submissive”? When you hear Female Domination, what is the first image that comes to mind? For me, even now, the first thing that comes to mind is a weak, pathetic man down on his knees being whipped by a leather clad Dominatrix. Even though I am living a 24/7 FemDom marriage, I still have that image that comes to mind when I hear male submissive. Why do so many people think that the male submissive is weak and pathetic? Is it because that is what most are exposed to, whether it is in main stream films or pornography on the internet? This preconceived notion is what hindered me from fully embracing D/s and FemDom in the beginning. So, could this image that has been burned into our brains effect the way women view FemDom? Of course. In my previous post I expressed my opinion on introducing your wife to FemDom. The reason I chose the route of seducing her Dominant nature was for this reason. Most women will automatically think of that pathetic weak man crawling on all fours. Yuck!!!

So, is the modern day male submissive really a knight in shinning armour? Or weak and pathetic? In my opinion they are knights in shinning armour.

Let’s take a moment to think about the modern man. For some reason they think that since women are wanting to be seen as equals in the work place, that they also want to be seen as equals outside the workplace. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for the feminist movement. I think women should have the right to vote, drive and make the same wage as a man. Just because women won this right does not mean they want to be treated as men. Women should be respected, cherished and adored. Bottom line is women should be treated like women. There have been so many times I have had a door not held open for me by a man. Or when in the grocery store and man not pulling his cart aside to let me pass first. The only thing that comes to mind when I encounter these men is how totally pathetic and idiotic they are. Nothing is more unattractive then a selfish, macho, egocentric man. A man with the attitude that women should be treated like men.

So, how are submissive men different from these other men? Submissive men adore and honor women. They hold doors open for complete strangers. They offer to let a woman pass first in a crowded isle at the grocery store. They offer to help. They don’t see women as the same as men, they see women as special.

Just this past weekend we attended a surprise birthday party. In our group there are very few FemDom couples. The surprise party was for one of the submissive men, which left two other sub men at the party. One of them was my husband and the other was the husband of a good friend. I had already told my husband he was to assist the hostess in any way she needed. She is a female submissive and is not accustomed to asking for help. My husband obeyed and helped her all night long, along with the other submissive male. It was unbelievable how attentive they both were. Instead of having to be asked to help they both jumped right in. What I think really shocked me is when my husband told me that he thoroughly enjoyed helping the hostess. The immediate gratification he got from helping was obeying my instructions. The second he got was from serving. Even though the hostess is a submissive herself she is still a woman. My husband made sure he carried heavy items for her, took care of the trash and basically did anything she needed.

At the end of the night I received one of the greatest compliments I have ever gotten. Oh, I had received compliments all night on how beautiful and hot I looked, which was great. But these last two comments I will keep in my heart forever. The hostess and one of my good FemDom friends pulled me aside and told me how amazing they thought my husband was. They were so impressed by his attentiveness. And then, there was the cherry on the top of my cake – they both, almost in unison, told me how lucky I was to have such a caring and attentive husband and submissive. What floored me is they have no idea how true their words are.

It is amazing how far my husband has come in the past 5 months. He is like night and day. He lives to please me. He is, day by day, becoming a better man, husband, father and submissive. He finally understands that I am to be cherished, and he is to be grateful to have me. He is so good to me. Even though I stay home, if at the end of the day I haven’t gotten a chance to put the clothes away, he will do it. Even though he works all day, when he gets home he will cook because he knows I hate it. Just 5 months ago he was a selfish, fantasy driven, sub-centric man. He wouldn’t open the car door for me, wait for me to walk by my side, make dinner. He might have done some of those things but you can bet he would have let me know he wasn’t happy about having to do them. 5 months ago my husband was not a submissive man by any stretch of the imagination. He thought he was, but he wasn’t. He was a pathetic, macho man that most women look at and want to throw up.

Oh, but now, he is a submissive man who is also a knight in shinning armour. When submission is truly brought out in a man they become modern day knights. They lose their resentment and stop taking life for granted. I do not know if I would feel this way today if it weren’t for the transformation I have seen in my husband. But then I guess there is nothing like a dose of reality amidts the fantasy world of movies and the internet. I am the luckiest woman in the world to be blessed by having a submissive who is not only strong and loving but who cherishes and adores me. I wish there were more truly submissive men in this world.

The bottom line is, in my opinion, the modern day male submissive is the woman’s answer to that long, lost knight. Complete with chivalry and adoration. The macho man who treats women like dirt is actually the pathetic, weak man. Maybe as our society continues to decline, more women will wake up a replace that weak image of the male submissive with one like the picture I chose to start this post with. Hopefully!!! Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost her entries. If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog

Article: Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted.

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 

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Collars and meanings

In the world of BDSM and Femdom , collars can play many roles. And can carry many protocols, depending on their intent and who puts them in place. In stating this, it should be known that this is generally the way things maybe, but not always. As each person’s desires and ideas normally fit their own needs. The explanation for each type of collar is indeed my view although it may be generally shared by many.

One of the things I cannot stress enough to new submissives is to make sure your ingurgitation of what a collar means is the same as person offering it. Often there can be a huge disconnect

Table of Contents

Protection Collar

A Protection Collar is given to a submissive or slave who is without a Master or Dominant, or worn by an owned sub or slave where their Master or Dominant is not near. This collar serves as a means of keeping a sub or slave safe until they are under consideration. This would allow them to be more part of group events and munches without fear of being used or abused. In the case of an owned sub or slave, the protection collar insures their owner’s wishes and desires are respected when they can not be there.

Collar of Consideration

This collar is often given when a Master or Dominant is seeking out a sub or slave for ownership; some would say it is like an engagement ring. This collar lets others know that a sub or slave is being sought by One and therefore is not seeking a Master or Dominant at this time.

Training Collar

The Training Collar is seen more in long-term relationships. It’s worn during a sub’s or slave’s training period. Some use it as a public play collar because a Collar of Ownership maybe too formal or delicate for play. Training Collars are also considered a stepping stone on the path of ownership.

Fashion Collars

Fashion Collars are worn normally as a fashion statement. Many different groups (i.e., Goth, punk, fetish) will wear them. They hold no real meaning. This collar should not be confused with a Public Collar.

Collar of Ownership

The Collar of Ownership is that given to a sub or slave when a Master or Dominant decides to own the sub or slave. This collar is normally seen in conjunction with a long-term relationship that may have a contract or agreement in place. This collar may be given in many different ceremonies. High value is and should be placed on this collar. A Collar of Ownership is not given normally without thought and a true desire to accept the responsibilities of owning someone (and being owned).

Public Collars

A Public Collar, although sometimes hard to recognize, is worn in place of the more traditional collar during more public (vanilla) outings. This collar can be represented in many ways (i.e., a broach, pin, or bracelet). This is normally chosen by the individuals involved in the relationship

Play collars are worn for scenes only.

They can be worn between people in vanilla relationships who like the occasional BDSM play. D/s couples who don’t feel it necessary to wear a collar all the time, or even strangers at BDSM clubs or parties who are only playing together for one scene. Putting on a play collar can be like putting on lingerie–it gets you in the mood to play and can help put you in subspace! A collar may be more part of a costume than a D/s symbol in pet play.

Digital Collars

While most people picture some sort of physical collar in their minds, the practice has been adopted for use online in the last decade or more. In forums, chatrooms, and other Femdom spaces, submissives will sometimes mark that they’ve been collared. This is typically a signifier of a long-term relationship and may mean other dominants cannot speak to them without their dominant’s permission.

One example involves submissives using symbols such as brackets that look like a collar and possibly a leash next to their dominant’s name. For example:

{submissive}~Dominant this was very popular inn online chatrooms in the early 2000 to 2010s it has now seemed to fall out of favor.

Protocols

There are many forms of collars and almost just as many protocols that follow them. These protocols, like the collars themselves, fit the desires of those who place them. If you’re not sure of the meaning of a collar ask, most will tell you. In some cases subs or slave are not allowed to interact with other Dominants or Masters without permission of their owners (this may also be true in the case of a Protection Collar). RESPECT its meaning and the wishes of the Dominant as well as the sub or slave by not forcing yourself upon a collared individual for an answer. If a request is to be placed on subs or slaves, seek out their owner(s). All negotiations between subs and slaves wearing collars should be with those who put the collar in place.

As stated in the beginning these are generally accepted ways but are not always the same for each person. They are guidelines and normally when followed the respect given will be returned.

Resource Article : MissBonnie

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Inner Mistress or Domme

Domme in latex

Table of Contents

Starting out

its actually really hard being a fledgling Dominant.

How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?

Anyone got good ideas for our newer list members?

Some ideas picked up along the way (and by no means exhaustive)

1 thyself.

  • Have a long hard think about if and why you identify as Dominant. do you love it? you don’t really know. Embark on your journey into D/s to find the answers out for yourself, don’t pretend you have them all already.

2 Read Read and Read Some more reading

  • I found that it helped to read up on the technical side first. Choose your own favorites. No doubt there are loads of web sites and mailing lists like this one to read as well. discriminating about what you read in mail lists and web sites. There is a vast difference between D/s fantasy and the practice in real life. A lot of very wise sounding advice is given online, but question how much of it is based on practical experience (including the inevitable making of mistakes!!). takes a long while to work out who is for real and who is spinning a (lovely) fantasy. However, reading about BDSM is a bit like reading cookbooks. cannot learn to cook until you try it.

3 Get out

  • We have heaps of BDSM clubs, parties and dungeons in Victoria (Chains, Hush Now, Perversity, Purgatory, Abode, CyberBall to name a few), so there’s no excuse for staying at home reading the net!!

4 all the other Dominants you can

  • It helps enormously to make friends with other Dominants. of them. experience and gravitas in your local scene will eventually rub off on you! most of them are egotistical enough (me included!!) to like the idea of taking a new Dominant under their wing. dead easy to convince some Tops to give you impromptu lessons in slave training, flogging, bondage etc love to talk!!

5 trying

  • However, it can be hard to befriend some &quot;Dominants&quot; because they Know It All and have a really tedious need to dominate everyone (not just their own sub/s). might also get snubbed by the occasional “Queen of the Scene” (happens to me all the time!)Don’t give up – I believe that every city’s scene has Dominants that are mature (and secure) enough to properly befriend and mentor new Dominants. Go to events, meet lots of people and seek out the Dominants that strike you as approachable and reasonably well liked (ESPECIALLY by other Dominants. easy to fool some of the subs some of the time, but if a &quot;Dominant&quot; cannot get along with other Dominants, then they definitely have problems

6 Choose a same sex mentor (unless you are gay)

  • It may seem easier to seek out mentors of the opposite sex, but be conscious that Dominants can have totally explosive chemistry with one another. starts out as a bit of flirtation can turn into a wild ride of switching, mind fucks and power games. is why a lot of Masters and Mistresses are love partners – and all power to them. as a new Dominant in search of self, I don’t recommend it (yet;)

7 your time

  • Notice I haven’t suggested run around like Lady Headless chook looking for submissives to play with? you can advertise like crazy all over the net and hang around the walls at every club, but what have you got to offer? Instead, push yourself to meet people of all persuasions (tops, bottoms, fetishists, male, female) and take a real interest in their lifestyle and personal choices. will help you discover your own style of Dominance, define your expectations and introduce you to potential partners.

8 Stay real

  • Most of all, stay yourself. to be A Real Dominant (what ever the hell that is) is doomed to failure. ‘T tell fibs exaggerating your experience or skill. bit of humility and grace goes a long way. egos, low self esteem and dishonesty are NOT Dominant and everyone else knows it. If you are genuine, self assured, approachable and dominant without being domineering (they are TOTALLY different things), your submissive will find you. than you think.

9 Pass it on

  • And remember that one day you will no longer be a newbie, and then it will be your turn to hold out the hand of friendship to newcomers.

largely reprinted from my articles posted elsewhere – so apologies to those who have heard it all before or BDSM if you aren’t strictly into D/s – I use the expressions pretty interchangeably …

Resource Article: MissBitch & MissBonnie CollarNccuffs.com

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Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?

Articles about body image usually focus on either shaping-up or honoring the shapes we have, even if they’re more voluptuous (for women) or heftier (for men) than the media’s ideal. However, there’s another side to the body acceptance story that some might call a darker, or even more bizarre side. It turns a cultural preoccupation with thinness and dieting completely upside down.

The story begins right here on the internet, where forums have sprung up for admirers of the large and lovely. As with other niche erotic preferences, connections in cyberspace have brought the most extreme variations on this theme out of the shadows and onto millions of screens. Many men are confused by their attraction to extremely fat women (or men, if they are gay), especially if their attraction extends to fantasies of feeding imaginary partners mounds of delicious food until they develop ever grander mounds of luscious flesh. As one Love and Health letter-writer says: “I go online to look at sites that Im not proud of, and I fear getting into a relationship where I force feed a woman into obesity. How can I calm my fetish so that I dont force feed my partner? Is the answer therapy, hypnosis, medication, or what?”

This question is similar to those asked by many others whose niche erotic preferences are so exclusive and overpowering that they constitute an undeniable fetish. Yet fetishes are not always unhealthy, and they don’t always pose severe problems. Often, the shame, confusion and fear surrounding a fetish can be far more debilitating than the fetish itself. The shame, not the sexual urges attached to specialized activities, interferes with life’s ordinary pleasures more than an acceptance of the fetish might. Sometimes, the difference between a gratifying and isolating fetish is, first of all, the ability to distinguish between fantasy aspects and “real life” attributes of the fetish, and, second, whether the fetishizer has the support of an erotic co-conspirator: a loving partner who is equally enthralled by a complimentary role in the fetish activity. I will add – although it should go without saying – that an acceptable fetish is always consensual, adult-adult, and does no harm to either participant.

When it comes to eroticizing larger than average body size, as with many other preferences, people tend to align within certain camps and sub-camps, some accepting of and others rejecting the fetish label. Men attracted to BBWs (big beautiful women) might not consider themselves any more fetishistic than men who are attracted to blondes instead of brunettes, or nerdy types over cutesy girls-next-door. Some of those who are primarily attracted to BBWs might see themselves as part of the “fat admirer” (FA) community, without regarding their preference as a fetish. Other FAs, however, not only find large women lovely, but they eroticize fat, are completely uninterested in slender women, and simply don’t date them. Such FAs would lean further toward the “fetish” end of a continuum that places appreciation or interest on one end and fetish on the other.

The letter-writer who fantasizes about feeding a partner into obesity clearly has reached the fetish end of the spectrum – and he knows it. As within most internet sex-oriented communities, there is ongoing dialogue about exactly which behaviors fall into which sub-categories and what labels best apply to each. In the “Feeder” world, this is certainly the case. However, the following terms are general enough to accurately reflect the accepted language of this realm.

Real life relationships between those known as “Feeders” (most often men) and their counterparts, known as “Gainers” or “Feedees” (most often women), can develop out of a mutually compelling need. However, a person need not have a Gainer in their life to be a Feeder. Feeders are more likely to exercise their fetish in fantasy than to indulge it in reality. As one Feeder writes: “I enjoy reading Feeder stories on the internet and fantasizing about feeding someone and having them gain weight. But I have never actually tried to fatten up a partner. Its only a fantasy for me.” However, Feeders and Gainers do find each other and hook up.

Rarely do Feeders coerce an otherwise uninterested partner into eating and gaining weight. Where the fetish is played out, the fetish is usually a shared one, and weight limits are consensually designated, with an erotic charge attached to the feeding, gaining, and attaining of the goal. While fantasies of non-consensual feeding can be a turn-on, it’s important to understand that, just like any other fantasy that involves coercion – even romance novels’ swashbuckling bodice-ripper fare – it’s one matter to imagine overwhelming someone or being taken unwillingly, and it’s quite another to live it. No healthy person with a rapist or ravishment fantasy is going to carry it any further than a consenting role-play scenario. (Anyone feeling urges to force any erotic activity on another, or to place oneself in danger, should immediately seek professional counseling.)

For compatible, consensual Feeders and Gainers, the act of feeding and eating is an erotically heightened experience, beyond even the sensual epicurean levels that most of us can relate to. Obviously, F/G relationships can carry dire consequences when the fetish embraces such extreme obesity that the Gainer’s mobility and health are compromised. While F/G relationships always have some characteristics in common with dominant/submissive relationships, a seriously obese Gainer’s immobility makes her quite literally dependent, and the Feeder can in fact control her. This set-up will take the D/s aspect to a potentially dangerous, probably non-consensual extreme, and I would venture to say that it is far outside the boundaries of what any professional would consider an acceptable expression of erotic preference.

Websites abound for men and women who adore the fat form, fat fantasy and Feeder imagery. For instance, photo-manipulation sites showcase celebrities “before and after” packing on 50-100 pounds, so that the formerly svelte pin-up is viewed in pulchritudinous glory. One of the more fascinating aspects of this Photoshop phenomenon is the realization that many super-thin women also look gorgeous as women of size. Do they look different? Yes; but still lovely in a startlingly alternative way. Or, perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that they look beautiful within an alternative dimension: an imaginary world where nobody is held hostage to current standards of thinness. These photo sites make a political point that can hardly be lost on anyone with a conscience, even if they are not avowed FAs. But, viewed from another angle, these sites are also erotica for the true FA, even though they are no more explicit than a Victoria’s Secret catalogue is to the mainstream. Yet, benign as they are, visits to these sites – and, of course, to more explicit fat-fantasy sites – can induce enormous shame in fat admirers whose preference (or fetish) is still considered by a thin-centric society to be gross and perverse.

So what do we say to men who ask how to “calm” their fetish for fat women, whether they include Feeder fantasies or not? Do we tell them to get help to alter their preferences, or suggest they seek support among others of like mind? Do we assist them in standing up to a society that is less than accepting of their ideal partners? Or do we urge them to change?

My advice is to realize that there is no single answer, no easy solution to any of our complex erotic patterns. Balancing social, emotional and sexual forces is a mighty effort for even the most ordinary “vanilla” man or woman, let alone anyone who deviates from the ordinary. Eccentric or novel erotic attractions can be as safe and healthy as the most common ones – or over the edge. It’s all a question of balance. My advice is to check in with yourself first: if your erotic style or activities are troubling you, speak with a certified sex therapist (www.aasect.org). She or he can help you determine what your erotic interest means, how much fantasy or fetish-reality you can handle, under what sets of circumstances you can safely explore your needs, and how far you can go. Rarely is it necessary or even possible to entirely eradicate a fetish – or even a strong preference. Instead, combining education and supportive counseling with discovering your own comfortable limits and boundaries – and, best yet, a compatible partner or partners – will offer the most successful approach in the long term

Article :Dr. Davidson

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine.

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release.

Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.”

Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

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Tips for a Femdom beginner

naked woman behind door

Table of Contents

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.

The information given below will let you know more about these problems and the ways these problems can be solved.

Stereotypes.

Many femdoms beginners cannot get pleasure of their dominance because of not being up to some stereotypes related to BDSM activity. These are typical thoughts of a woman who has just made her first steps in dominance – “I am supposed to inflict pain on my slave, I am supposed to be called the Mistress, I must wear especial clothing, I must use some certain BDSM toys. But there are some things I don’t quite like. Does it mean I am not a true femdom?”

No, it doesn’t. Stereotypes are designed specially for destroying them. You must not be up to any stereotypes. You can wear any clothing you want, you can use any BDSM toy you wish, your scenario can involve all your fantasies, no matter whether they are standard or not. And keep in mind – Dominance is not based on inflicting pain. It is based on making your partner react the way you want him to. Different people apply different methods for this purpose – from quite light up to very severe ones. The main thing is that you both should get pleasure, and no one can tell you what you should do.

Diffidence

Diffidence and hesitation are quite characteristic of a femdom beginner. She cannot relax thinking about the way she looks, the way she behaves and of course about whether her slave is pleased with the session. These fears are quite natural, but if not overcome they cannot spoil pleasure of both the femdom and her submissive.

Actually, first of all you should remember that this is you who dominates, that is why this is you who decides everything. Only you can decide how severe you should be, only you can choose BDSM toys you are going to use, only you rule the game because you are the dominant. Do not let hesitation make you weak.

Ways to overcome diffidence

1. Get rid of your hesitations during the sessions.

Let us take an example. Possibly you are not sure enough whether your submissive finds you sexually attractive enough. Do not think about this matter. Instead ask your submissive – Am I a Goddess of sex? He will be glad to say you are. You might hesitate whether to use this or that Femdom toy or accessory. Hesitation does not make you more dominant. Instead say confidently – I know you want me put these cuffs on your ankles! I know you want get a few blows with this whip!

2.Don’t let your submissive object to anything

Keep in mind that no submissive can let you know what you should do during the session. He cannot object to using a BDSM toy, he cannot ask you to do something. All problems must be discussed after the session otherwise your D/S relationships lose any sense. Of course make sure you know his hard limits…that is a given, for any Femdom scene. He should not be topping from the bottom!

Improper planning

After you master basic things you might want to enrich your experience. Very often femdoms beginners make mistakes when planning the session by making up too thorough or not enough detailed scenario.

The main advantage of domination is its unpredictable nature. By making a too detailed plan you become dependent on it. For example when facing an unexpected reaction of your partner you might begin thinking you have done something wrong, that your incompetence has made a problem.

The opposite problem is insufficient planning.. You do not prepare anything – neither BDSM toys nor your roles, etc – you are likely to look at your helpless partner trying to guess what you should do next. This will inevitably make you less self-confident. Such things are easy to avoid. Make plans, but let them be not too detailed. Do not limit yourself by a strict order of actions. Instead simply take into account what you are going to do and do this when you would like to.

Article MissBonnie February 2009 CollarNuffs.com

studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

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Talking spicy in your bedroom

woman sitting on bed

New Dommes don’t be surprised to know that your partner wants to hear spicy talks during an intercourse. It is a well-known fact that particular voice can arouse even more than actual stimulation. No wonder, telephone sex is so popular. The art of talking sexy can become quite difficult to begin, if you got used to keeping silence in your bedroom. Don’t refuse talking sexy if you want to take your relationship at a new intimate level! It doesn’t mean though that you should stick to dirty words and repeat them every time you partner asks.

Table of Contents

How to talk sexy

Of course, such verbal stimulation can make you feel a bit embarrassed, and this may keep you from making his or your dreams come true. To start out a nasty talk you need to concentrate on what your partner wants, or rather I should say, needs to give him the power you long to take. You may think over various sex positions, sex toys, role-playing, restraining, oral pleasure and things like that to give a free play to your imagination. Another way to inspire yourself for spicy communication is to watch adult movies together with your partner. Watch him closely, what words got reactions?

Find the right words

It can be quite intimidating to find those special words, which describe his genitals or actions you want him to perform or you want to do. Of course, not every man can find it comfortable to hear words like “dick“ or “cock“, and you shouldn’t behave as a slut to turn him on actually. Be playful and experiment with different phrases to heighten your sexual experience. You don’t need to pretend or invent something, just follow your urges and let your desires be caught up in uncontrollable flood. Don’t restrict your emotions saying “You look sexy”, “Your cock is so hard”, “You make me shiver” and so on. Avoid standard long phrases to explain your feelings, telling him a whole story. Make your voice sound deeper with long inhales; this will sound more exciting to him.

Talk about sex

Try to introduce talks about sex before you get in the bedroom. Your likes and dislikes can be a good start for such communication. You shouldn’t make a list of sex positions your former ex-boyfriends/subby preferred to use.

It’s better to talk as if discussing your fantasies: “I would love if you …”,”the thought of …makes me hot“. Such communication is a good basis for solid enduring intimate relationships. Tell your partner on your preferences during a foreplay, like “I want it softer or harder?”,”Upper or lower?“

Spicy talking manner

Start talking nasty to yourself to get used to the feeling. The manner in which you will be talking to your partner is subject to what kind of play are you going to initiate. If you plan to be seductive and mysterious, try to whisper in his ears sweet and teasing words. If you are into playful mood, talk in a ticklish and chummy style. Let yourself be bossy, when you intend to have a hot bondage play. Just give in to your emotions and be receptive to his desires, making sure to take your own into account. Don’t forget that words may sound offensive for a particular partner in certain circumstances and be highly arousing for the other one. You may try and write your fantasies down. For example, you may write him a note where you suggest him to buy some naughty sex toys. He can take time to think over and even if he isn’t normally enthusiastic about such ideas, he may change his mind later.

Get the setting ready

Take him by surprise. Nothing can be more thrilling than unexpected erotic play. Just imagine you are whispering him nasty “I’m wet” in his ears being in a crowded place or ask him to touch you there…in an elevator. Expect him home earlier than usual! It’s important to have right accessories at your side to create this special atmosphere. For example, you can take massaging oil, leather cuffs and other sex toys to have a good deal of dirty talks. After some more practice you will feel yourself different and know that talking sex is no more a taboo for (both of)you.

Article MissBonnie February 2009

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Sub husband help

My last few posts have been geared more toward the submissive men and it is high time to talk with my fellow budding FemDom’s. Get a cup of coffee (or whatever you like), pull up a chair and let’s have a little talk. Since my perspective is from the female point of view I want to talk to all you Ladies like I was right there with you. I realize that no two people are exactly alike, but the more I read from other budding FemDom’s, the more I am realizing the core of this lifestyle is the same. From what I have read 90% of the Dommes I know were at one time introduced to this lifestyle by either a spouse or boyfriend. I have only come across a select few that became involved in this lifestyle on their own.

First, I am going to use my situation to share on. By no means did I do everything perfectly. All I can share is how this time is different for me than last time.

I woke up one morning and found that my husband had been on my computer the night before while I was sleeping. It took a while before I confronted him about it and when I finally did I got a defensive attitude and he denied that he was doing anything wrong. Typical behavior from a man that knows he has been caught! My first reaction was rage. Does this man really think I am that stupid? My second emotion was hurt. Since I still didn’t know exactly what he was doing I really had nothing concrete to be angry and hurt about. It was the denial that got me. It took a while before I knew exactly what he had been doing. The first thing I did was think. I had some serious decisions to make. Was I going to leave or stay? If I stayed, how was I going to ever be able to trust him again?

So let’s put this scenario onto you! Let’s say your husband has just come to you and decided to share his submissive desires. Not all men are leading secret lives but you can bet most are. They have looked at FemDom and the desire is so strong to bring it to reality, they take a chance and talk with you. Or let’s say you have found out that your husband is being sneaky on the computer. I can tell you how to find out everything, and I mean everything, he has been doing but that can be talked about later. Now, you can do one of two things: you can reject him completely or you can listen and then decide for yourself if this is something that interests you. Take some time, research the reality of FemDom and then decide if this is something you would like to do IF YOU WEREN’T TO STAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE. If this lifestyle is something you don’t really find interest in, and you continue to go ahead with it because it is what HE wants, it will never work. Your spouse will have no choice but to top from the bottom. All that will make you left feeling is inadequate and unloved. See, the male submissive, behind all the fetish activities, wants to serve a Dominant woman. If he is molding you into his perfect little Domme it will never work. This will technically leave him in the Dominant role which is not what he wants. I might add this is definitely not what you want! Trust me!

So, you have taken some time, researched and you are all for being a FemDom. Now what? How do you go about playing with this man? The activities we engage in can be very dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing. Books are wonderful and a lot can be learned about safe play, but there is only so much you can learn from books. Nothing compares to learning hands on with an experienced teacher and mentor. For me I really love the mental aspect of D/s. The bondage, teasing and games are a means to an end for me. I can honestly tell you I have learned more about the mental aspects of submissives now that I have in person relationships with other Dommes and subs. So, how do you meet others you can learn from?

The first is a local BDSM support group (want online try our Community and FREE programs. If you live in a well populated area you can bet there is a support group near. You might have to travel a little but it’s well worth it. It does take time to get to know others in the group. What do you do in the meantime? I know most of you will be completely shocked that I am suggesting this but here goes. I would find a Pro Domme in your area to take lessons from. You don’t have to take your submissive with you (although after a few times I suggest you do). Pro’s can be expensive but most will work with you if you let them know your budget. Pro’s have a insight the average woman doesn’t. They talk to thousands of submissive men and they understand the mental aspect of the submissive very well. Most Pro’s have been in the lifestyle for years and years. Hence how they got to be Pro’s.

One of my best friends is a Pro who has been involved in the lifestyle for over 17 years. She specializes in couples and she loves it when budding FemDom’s call her for lessons. I can tell you right now that if it wasn’t for this woman, my husband and I might not be together now. She understands the woman’s perspective and the man’s. She is invaluable. She offers phone counseling and she does in person lessons after she has gotten to know you and your situation via phone calls. She is here in Vegas and I highly recommend her. Here name is Mistress Kali Ward and if you are anywhere near Vegas (or not) I would suggest calling her. She started the PEP Buffalo chapter and she is recommended by Elise Sutton. The PEP organization is nationwide and the Pro Dommes they recommend are very compassionate and well educated.

This will probably surprise you all more than anything else but I have become very good friends with my husbands Ex-Pro, LadyIceQueen. For months I was envious and intimated by her only to find that she is a loving, compassionate, regular woman like me. She accepted me with love and made me feel beautiful. (Kisses and Hugs to you sweets!) I expected her to be a total cruel bitch but what I found is she is just like me. While I am not grateful that my husband shared sessions with her, I am grateful that I contacted her and now can call her my friend. She was originally in Las Vegas but she has relocated to Glendale, AZ. Like Mistress Kali Ward, she accepts phone counseling and in person lessons.

In conclusion, this lifestyle is not for everyone. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOMME. DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND OR B/f PUSH YOU INTO BEING SOMETHING YOUR NOT.

While there are many benefits to this lifestyle it is not for everyone. If you do find this lifestyle is for you, please learn all you can on what you like. Be safe in your play. And most of all enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Enjoy the attention, adoration and power. This is one time where it is ok to be a little selfish and to make it all about you. If you do, you will find what you have always wanted. Care for and guide your submissive into places they have only dreamed of. This is the time to see what you like, what you want, and to bask in the lap of luxury. The benefits are more than you could ever dream of. As always, I welcome emails from anyone who wishes to chat. Let me know how things are going. Good Luck!!!

Mrs. Claudia keeps a journal detailing the transition from a traditional marriage to a Femdom marriage. She has graciously allowed us to repost some her entries If you wish to read more of MrsClaudias wise and insightful words pay a visit to her Blog (now closed)

Text taken from MissClaudias blog All permissions granted to MissBonnie

Further resources:

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

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