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Navigating Consent in Kink: More Than Just Agreement

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Consent holds a foundational position within the kink community. Much more than a cursory agreement, it involves a detailed process of granting permission and establishing boundaries for specific acts, scenarios, or situations. Explicit consent distinguishes consensual play from coercion and abuse, ensuring that all parties involved are willingly participating and comfortable with the parameters set forth.

Typically characterized by open communication, the process of consenting within kink encompasses discussions regarding desires, limits, and expectations. These conversations often occur well before any activity, establishing a mutual understanding and fostering trust. For example, terms such as “safe words” are commonly agreed upon, serving as a linguistic mechanism to halt activities immediately if discomfort or distress arises. This level of detailed communication is crucial in maintaining a safe and respectful environment.

sexual consent is required

The importance of consent in kink cannot be overstated. It serves as a demarcation line, transforming potentially harmful acts into consensual and enjoyable experiences. This principle asserts that no action, regardless of its nature, should occur without the explicit and informed consent of all participants. Thus, consent is not a one-off transaction but a continuous, dynamic dialogue that adapts and evolves throughout the interaction.

Furthermore, consent must be enthusiastic and uncoerced, reflecting a person’s genuine willingness rather than acquiescence under pressure. It is this wholehearted agreement that underscores the ethical framework within which the kink community operates. Clear and unambiguous consent helps mitigate misunderstandings and prevents situations where boundaries could be inadvertently crossed.

In understanding consent in kink, one begins to appreciate the complexity and necessity of these agreements. The inherent respect for personal autonomy and boundaries reinforces a culture of consensuality that is vital for both physical and emotional safety in kink-related activities.

Informed consent is a foundational principle in any kink dynamic, emphasizing that true consent involves more than a simple agreement. It necessitates that all parties are fully educated and aware of every relevant aspect of the activity in which they plan to engage. This comprehensive understanding extends to recognizing potential risks, boundaries, and the specific roles each participant will play.

Informed consent means that every individual has detailed knowledge about what they are consenting to. For instance, consider a scenario involving rope play. While it might appear straightforward at first glance, rope play carries inherent risks, such as the potential for nerve damage. Before any rope is even taken out, participants must be fully informed about these risks. They should understand the techniques to mitigate danger, know the signs of nerve impingement, and have an emergency plan in place, such as having a pair of safety scissors nearby.

This depth of understanding also covers psychological aspects. Participants need to communicate openly about their comfort levels, any previous experiences that may influence their current feelings, and their expectations. This ensures all parties not only agree but also comprehend the full scope of the activity, including any potential mental or emotional triggers that could arise.

Furthermore, informed consent is ongoing and dynamic, requiring continual check-ins and the ability for any party to retract their consent at any point. It recognizes that consent given yesterday isn’t valid indefinitely; context, interpretations, and comfort levels can shift, and consent must be reaffirmed.

Ultimately, the principle of informed consent is central to the ethical practice of kink. It embodies the respect and responsibility each participant owes the other, ensuring that each person is making an educated, voluntary, and enthusiastic decision. This meticulous approach not only safeguards physical and mental well-being but also fortifies trust, enhancing the positive and consensual nature of the interaction.

The Issue of Coercion

Understanding the boundaries of consent requires more than a simple “yes” or “no.” One critical aspect that significantly affects genuine consent is coercion. Coercion, in the context of consent, refers to the act of forcing, threatening, or manipulating someone to engage in activities against their will. This can occur overtly through direct threats or subtly through emotional manipulation and pressure.

Coercion fundamentally negates true consent because the essence of consent lies in the willingness and voluntary agreement of all parties involved. When coercion is present, the individual is acting out of fear, pressure, or obligation rather than a true desire to participate. Therefore, any consent given under such circumstances is inherently invalid.

Identifying coercion can sometimes be challenging, especially when it manifests subtly. Some warning signs include persistent pressure, guilt-tripping, or any form of emotional blackmail. For instance, statements like “If you loved me, you would do this,” or threats of ending a relationship if certain activities are not agreed to, are explicit forms of coercion. Additionally, using one’s position of power or influence to pressure another person also constitutes coercive behavior.

It is crucial for individuals in any relationship, particularly in kink dynamics where power and control play significant roles, to remain vigilant against coercion. Open communication, mutual respect, and a clear understanding of each other’s boundaries are essential in preserving the integrity of consensual interactions. This involves not only recognizing coercive behavior but also taking active steps to address and rectify it.

Ultimately, the presence of coercion undermines the foundational principles of consent. By staying informed and attentive to the signs of coercion, individuals can foster healthier, more respectful, and truly consensual interactions within their relationships.

Blanket consent serves as a profound and multifaceted concept within the realm of kink dynamics, particularly prevalent in total power exchange (TPE) or master/slave relationships. This form of consent involves one party yielding control over a range of actions, encompassing both kinky and non-kinky activities, to another party. The gravity of this commitment cannot be overstated, as it entails an unparalleled level of trust and surrender.

The cornerstone of blanket consent is intensive and comprehensive negotiation. The parties involved must engage in thorough discussions to articulate their boundaries, expectations, and mutual objectives. These negotiations are essential, as they provide a clear framework for the relationship, ensuring that both individuals are fully aware of the nature and extent of the consent being granted. Topics often introduced during these discussions include consent to specific actions, safewords, limits, and methods of periodic reassessment.

Integral to the success of a blanket consent arrangement is the foundational trust between the parties. This dynamic demands an exceptional degree of faith in the dominant partner’s judgement and discretion. The submissive, in turn, relies on their partner’s commitment to their well-being, with the understanding that their physical and emotional safety remains paramount.

While the strength of blanket consent lies in its overarching nature, it also requires ongoing communication. Periodic check-ins and dialogues are necessary to reassess boundaries, address concerns, and ensure that the consensual dynamic remains healthy and fulfilling for both parties. Such continuous communication helps mitigate any potential for abuse and ensures that the submissive’s agency and autonomy are respected within the relationship framework.

Ultimately, blanket consent is not a decision to be taken lightly. It demands rigorous preparation, mutual respect, and unwavering honesty. Both parties must possess a deep understanding of the responsibilities inherent in the agreement, thereby fostering a dynamic that is both empowering and safe.

What is Free Use?

Free use, as a nuanced subcategory of blanket consent, specifically hinges upon the unconditional sexual availability of the consenting participant. This concept essentially allows for one party, typically the dominant, to engage in sexual activities with the consenting submissive at their discretion and convenience, within established boundaries. Unlike broader blanket consent scenarios that may encompass various activities and permissions beyond sexuality, free use is distinct in its singular focus on sexual interactions.

A fundamental distinction between free use and generalized blanket consent lies in the scope and specificity of the permissions granted. Blanket consent might cover a range of non-sexual activities, from domestic chores to specific behaviors expected from the submissive. In contrast, free use zeroes in exclusively on sexual access, often creating a dynamic where the submissive is sexually available to the dominant at any given time, under predetermined guidelines. This structure emphasizes the importance of clearly negotiated agreements and the well-being of all parties involved, ensuring consent is informed and enthusiastic.

Moreover, free use scenarios can manifest in various relational constructs, including non-monogamous settings. In such contexts, the submissive may be expected to provide sexual services to other dominants with the primary dominant’s consent. These intricate dynamics necessitate robust communication and trust, highlighting the critical role of predefined limits and safe words to ensure the safety and comfort of the submissive. In situations where multiple parties are involved, the complexities of individual consent and the potential for power imbalances must be diligently managed.

Therefore, while free use might offer a depth of erotic freedom and spontaneity for some, it demands an equally rigorous commitment to ongoing dialogue, mutual respect, and a solid framework of pre-negotiated consent. This ensures that the practice remains consensual, ethical, and pleasurable for all participants, cementing its place within the broader landscape of kink and BDSM dynamics.

Consensual non-consent, frequently abbreviated as CNC, embodies a paradoxical aspect of kink wherein participants engage in pre-negotiated scenarios that simulate non-consensual interactions. It is imperative to distinguish that, despite the performative element of non-consent, every action taken within CNC is firmly rooted in prior, mutual agreement. This form of role-play demands a high level of trust and should only be pursued by those with extensive experience and thorough communication practices.

The nature of CNC introduces notable risks and complexities. Participants are simulating scenarios that may be mentally and emotionally challenging, necessitating meticulous preparation. Fundamental to maintaining safety during such scenes is the establishment of clear, pre-negotiated limits. These limits delineate what is permissible and what aspects are off-limits, offering a framework that safeguards everyone involved. Moreover, the use of safewords or safe signals is crucial. These predefined cues serve as an immediate stop mechanism, ensuring that any scenario enacted stops instantaneously if a participant feels unsafe or overwhelmed.

In addition to pre-negotiated limits and safewords, ongoing communication before, during, and after the scene is essential. Pre-scene discussions should cover emotional triggers, boundaries, and the specific dynamics of the role play. During the scene, participants should remain attuned to non-verbal cues, as these can provide critical feedback on a partner’s well-being. Post-scene aftercare, consisting of physical and emotional support, helps all individuals process the experience and reinforces the consensual nature of the engagement.

The intricacies of consensual non-consent amplify the absolute necessity of informed consent within kink dynamics. Practitioners must recognize the profound responsibility they hold in navigating such scenarios, ensuring every aspect upholds the principles of consent, safety, and mutual respect. By embracing these elements, participants can explore CNC in a manner that honors the core tenants of ethical kink practice.

In the realm of kink, the concept of blanket consent refers to an agreement where one party consents to certain activities without requiring explicit approval each time. This dynamic often thrives on a foundation of deep trust and robust communication between the parties involved. Within these relationships, the use of safewords – predetermined terms used to halt or slow down activities – can technically be employed but are generally not viewed as essential components. This is primarily because well-established dynamics usually entail a profound understanding and mutual awareness of limits, comfort zones, and boundaries, rendering the necessity for safewords less prominent.

However, there are particular scenarios where safewords might still come into play within blanket consent dynamics. For example, if a relationship is evolving or if the play involves experimenting with new activities, engaging a safeword can serve as an additional layer of security. It allows parties to navigate new terrains without fearing an overstep. Similarly, even in long-term dynamics, situational interpersonal and emotional changes can occur, where using a safeword helps reaffirm and maintain the balance of consent and care.

Additionally, the psychological state of the individuals at the moment of play can significantly impact the applicability of safewords. For instance, should one party experience unexpected physical discomfort, emotional distress, or a triggering event, having a safeword in place ensures that this distress can be immediately communicated without ambiguity or delay. This emphasis on immediate cessation safeguards the welfare of all parties, reinforcing the ethos of consensual and safe play.

Ultimately, while the extensive trust and communication present in blanket consent dynamics may reduce the observable need for safewords, their strategic use can enhance the security, adaptability, and respect inherent in these relationships, ensuring a continuous environment of safety and mutual consent.

When a consent violation occurs within the kink community, it is crucial to address the matter promptly and effectively. Immediate communication is key in both understanding the situation and mitigating any further harm. It is vital to acknowledge that breaches of consent can vary significantly in nature—some may result from misunderstandings or miscommunication, while others may be deliberate. Thus, the steps to address these violations should be carefully considered on a case-by-case basis.

In instances where the consent violation appears accidental, initiating an open and honest conversation is the first step. Both parties should strive to understand how the breach occurred and ensure that it does not happen again. This might involve revisiting previously agreed-upon boundaries, reaffirming communication strategies, or adjusting the dynamics of the interaction. Open dialogue can not only rectify the mistake but can also strengthen the trust between individuals moving forward.

If a consent violation is suspected to be intentional, the response must be significantly more measured. An intentional breach suggests a disregard for established boundaries and a potential threat to personal safety. Self-protection becomes paramount in such circumstances. It is essential to distance oneself from the individual responsible for the breach and to seek support from the community if necessary. This could involve confiding in trusted friends, seeking advice from kink community leaders, or utilizing resources such as support groups or crisis helplines.

Whether the violation is accidental or intentional, the emphasis should always be on self-care and safeguarding one’s mental and physical well-being. Consent is a cornerstone of any healthy kink dynamic, and breaches, however minor, can have lasting impacts. Therefore, knowing when to step back from a harmful relationship is crucial for maintaining one’s sense of security and personal autonomy.

Resource Articles : MissBonnie 2024

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COMMON RELATIONAL PROBLEMS IN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE RELATIONSHIPS

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Imagine. The two of you have been in a relationship for years. You are either married, living together or have been long-time companions in some other form of relationship. Suddenly, you start to develop erotic power exchange emotions and fantasies. Or your partner does. Now what? How do you introduce this to each other? What will happen to the relationship? Will there even be a relationship? How will your partner respond to this?

This is hardly an uncommon situation. In fact, a lot of people have this problem; it is not unusual for people to be confronted with feelings and fantasies about erotic power exchange in a later stage of their lives. It may be these feelings have been there for a long time, but have been suppressed. Or they “just came out of the blue,” so to speak. Since it is hard to determine what exactly triggers these emotions, it can happen in any stage of your life. And, many people find it difficult to find an outlet for these emotions, especially when they already are in a relationship. People are afraid of being rejected, or just called crazy. They may be afraid their partner may not be willing to share their feelings. In fact, it is entirely possible the partner already has rejected it.

You may be kinky, but you are certainly not insane


First of all: whatever your emotions are, you are not crazy, you are not alone and these feelings are perfectly normal, even if what you fantasize about seems extreme. Scientists estimate between 15 and 30 percent of the adult population has fantasies about erotic power exchange in some form. Next, these emotions – dominant or submissive – are very hard to suppress or ignore. Sooner or later they have to come out. Ignoring them may seem a short term solution, but in the long run it is not. You may be “kinky,” but you are perfectly sane.
The best advice is to talk about these emotions, no matter how difficult this may seem to you. If there is mutual trust and respect between the two of you, there should be no reason to be afraid. This may sound rude, but if you seriously think there is not enough trust, understanding and respect in your relationship, well, you may have to consider what kind of relationship you are in.

Next, do not overdo it in the beginning. It may be that you have cherished your fantasies for several years, before coming to the point where you want to talk about them. Remember that everything you are going to talk to your partner about is probably entirely new to him or her. Your partner may be open minded, but you should give him or her sufficient time to get used to this new situation. Another wise thing to do is to prepare yourself. Before you start talking, try to identify exactly what it is you want to talk about. Try to acquire some more general knowledge about erotic power exchange, so you are able to explain the phenomenon and not just your own emotions. It is usually very helpful to have some resources on the subject available for your partner, so he or she can form an independent judgment, based on your emotions, plus objective, outside, general information. There are several good books, and study places on the net, such as studyBDSM in our Community.

If you are the partner on the “receiving end,” the best advice is to be open. Of course, this new information may trouble or even scare you. That is very understandable. If it does not, well then both of you may share quite a lot here and there is much to talk about. Still, if your partner does not do it, see to it that you get yourself informed.

Coming out

What you are looking at are, in fact, two different things: one being the general “coming out” and the other being the relationship with your partner. Although this may sometimes be difficult, try to separate these two topics. Do the “coming out” first and than look at the perspectives for your relationship. This will require time, patience and mutual understanding. A coming out situation has been described as difficult to most people. Coming out usually is preceded by a period of uncertainty, and sometimes very strong feelings of loneliness and fear. That is what makes coming out so difficult. Even when the coming out process has started, it may take some time to get rid of these hidden fears and uncertainties. People in a coming out phase are usually very vulnerable and overly sensitive to even the slightest indication of possible rejection. That makes it hard to talk to them.

Another form of behavior, typical to coming out, is to drain yourself completely. Once the waterfall of words finally starts, it looks like the entire dam is giving way and the overwhelming flood can not be stopped. To the partner on the receiving end this is very difficult and it may feel like a blizzard coming at them. It is very wise to try and do this in small doses at a time.

A third factor you should try to take into account here is something that a lot of people, attracted to erotic power exchange, tend to do. This is called shopping list behavior. What happens is that novices probably have had one particular fantasy for years and the first thing they want is that fantasy to be carried out exactly as they have envisaged it, including every little detail. This of course is first of all almost always impossible. Secondly, it does not leave any room for your partner, who may have other thoughts about this. It usually kills the situation, before it even started.

The last factor we should mention here is over prioritizing. A lot of people tend to over prioritize their (newly discovered) power exchange emotions and put them in front of everything else. Although this is very understandable, it is also very impractical and may make things rather complicated.

A playmate outside your relationship

Quite a few people will tend to look for what they call a “play partner” outside their relationship. They do so in order to avoid possible rejection by their partner. Sometimes this is done based on mutual consent between the partners. To some people this may be a solution, especially in those cases where one of the partners is incapable of following the other. However, there are some major risks involved here. Although some people tend to make a difference between erotic power play and a relationship, in fact there is no such difference. The power exchange you will have with your play partner, will without doubt lead to a very intimate exchange of emotions and will create a very strong bond. The other partner may feel left out and since it may be hard to share all these feelings and emotions on an equal basis between the now existing threesome, the risks and dangers towards your “prime” relationship are both real and immense. Although people will often indicate otherwise, very few people can live with a situation where their mate or spouse shares very intimate feelings and emotions – let alone the physical part of all this – with somebody else.

If you have trouble working out the erotic power exchange feelings between the two of you, the best advise is get help. Most modern day therapists, marriage counselors, psychologists and sexologists will not have any trouble to discussing the subject of erotic power exchange and role play. They will also understand the risks and problems involved and they will have an open-minded discussion with both of you and will take an objective attitude towards erotic power exchange. If yours does not, simply find another one. And do check the local bookstore. There are a lot of books around to help you out. Finally, you may want to talk to some people from a local BDSM-group who are experienced and can help you. try the Community here on CNC, its 100% free to use and join.

©2007 Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer is 54, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, webmaster and filmmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. He was the chairman for powerotics Foundation (now closed). This organization is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles. His 5 e-book series “Shibari Fumo Ryu” about the Japanese erotic Shibari technique and art is considered groundbreaking. Reproduced with permission.

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You’re submissive, what now?

When we first discover these facets about ourselves, after the initial shock, psycho analyzing ourselves, etc, we are eager to find someone to share our lives and ourselves with. It is only natural that we seek a partner. Nobody wants to be alone. As Submissives, you have an overwhelming need to belong to and/or serve someone. This is a normal need. All experience it.

Because of this strong need to belong, many newcomers to the scene make decisions too quickly and brashly. They may meet someone weather online or in person, and because there is interest, jump ‘head first’ into a relationship with someone they barely know, just to have that sense of belonging or to feel the excitement of ownership. Experience is great, but a bad experience can ‘hurt’ in more ways than one. Wait… Now is not the time to go seeking your “one true Mistress” «< a phrase I detest .

Now that you’ve discovered this wondrous facet contained in yourself, it’s time to learn more about yourself. READ… READ…READ and read some more…I cannot stress this enough.

Take the time to learn all the different aspects of D/s, S/M, or the all-encompassing BDSM/Femdom. You don’t have to like pain, but if you do, that’s fine too. What rocks your world, may be another total turn off, we all are different but many things you’ll find the same…So explore. What’s out there? What are your options? What’s the difference between humiliation and degradation? What is scarification? What’s a St Andrews cross, a tens pad, a vampire glove? Read the resource section, learn the terms. Soak up what ever knowledge you can find…use the net for more than porn…Yes the net is more than porn; it’s your door way into a world you dream and long for.

If you don’t know what your options are, how can you make an educated decision about your life? You should not expect to find someone out there to decide that for you. You have to decide who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for in a partner, BEFORE searching for the one to whom you will give yourself. There are so many books and websites out there to read, study, and get the knowledge you need to find your partner.

Keep in mind, however, that books and websites are guidelines, not the end-all to anything. They are meant to be informative so you can make your own decisions, not recipes or directions of how it must be done. Even recipe ingredients can be substituted, and if you miss a turn, there is usually an alternate route. If you find one that says, “You must do X or else you aren’t submissive,” it’s probably not the site you want to be learning from. And, if you feel you are submissive, don’t let ANYONE tell you aren’t just because you feel differently than they do on a subject.

Okay. Now you’ve read every website you can find and every book you could get your hands on. It’s time to talk to other Submissives. Go to local munches and meetings (if there are any near you, you’ll find a list in the forum section under events), and meet others in the lifestyle, join in of forums, join the chat room you’ll be surprised what you can learn just chatting with others. Too many times, people are terrified to go to these things because they don’t know what to expect. They fear they’ll say something wrong, make fools of themselves, or get “in trouble”. No one is going to punish you, or expect anything of you at all. You’re not being interviewed for a position. We’re just people… who happen to be kinky. We sit around and talk about similar interests. Not much different if you went to a meeting about ‘painting’. Different people might talk about different paints and brushes, strokes, canvas, etc. But they all have the same interest. Painting.

We have a wonderful page here on site written by rooroo on his first experience Talk to both dominants and Submissives. (They won’t bite you…unless you want them to or provoke them LOL)… Find out what their lives are like, how they do, what they do? Ask questions, if you don’t ask you will never know. Get advice. Keeping in mind that not all advice you get from “seasoned” Submissives (or Dommes) will be good advice.

A little story about what happened to me in this regard: I often go to munches and meetings. At one of these meetings, the topic was “punishment”. I heard a statement that “Mistress hardly ever punished me“. According to his Mistress, he hardly ever requires it. Anyway, as I heard this statement, people were surprised that in the 2 years they had been together, he had only been punished once. One submissive, whom I respected, suggested that he purposely avoid some of his responsibilities to “test” his Mistress, I forget the direct quote but it was along the lines of ‘don’t fuel the car, so she runs out’… to see if She would punish him. That was about the worst advice I’d ever heard from a respected sub. His Mistress did run out of fuel in a very bad part of town, things turned out ok…but the possible outcome could have been worse. His mistress ‘trusted’ him with her safety (as you trust her) would you want a Domme who has no respect for your safety? He is submissive, why in the world would he want to upset his Mistress, or place her in danger. The moral is, while advice is a good thing, not all advice will be sound advice. So… as I often say, “Take what you like, and leave the rest.”

However, the following piece of advice is definitely worth reading. When you go to a munch, a club, a meeting, etc. Please…don’t beg entrance, curtsy, bow, or float gracefully across the room and fall gently to your knees before the Dommes, offering rose petals or whatever other lame thing is done in many chat rooms of that sort. You will be laughed off the face of the earth, dismissed as a dumb-ass, or if done in a public place, taken by the police to the nearest psych unit. LOL… No need to put on a big show or draw that kind of attention to yourself. Once in a relationship, if you’re dominant wants you to curtsy to him or her, that’s his or her call. Just be respectful and be yourself.

One of the common misnomers which irritate me is that “RESPECT must be earned”. That’s just not true. If you were out shopping and had a question, you might say, “Excuse me Ma’am, could you tell me where I can find the paper towels?” That’s showing respect.

Good manners, count everywhere in life Femdom is no different.

You know… those things our parents or guardians tried to in grain in us when we were growing up. Showing good manners is being respectful. Calling someone Sir, Ma’am, Doctor, Sgt., Professor, etc. are all examples of showing respect for someone. I use titles of that sort when talking to anyone I’m not on familiar terms with. However, in my opinion, the terms “Master” & “Mistress” should not be used lightly. Just because a woman is someone’s Mistress, doesn’t mean you must (or, should) call her that. She is that person’s Mistress, not yours. If you wish to show respect to someone else’s Master or Mistress, a simple “Sir” or “Ma’am” is adequate. Growing up, I was taught that respect should be given to everyone (regardless of societal status, employment, and later in life, whether they’re in the lifestyle or not). So I do. I respect everyone, unless and until they do something and no longer deserve my respect.

TRUST, on the other hand, is what must be earned.

If you were out shopping, would you trust the lady behind the counter to tie you up, and play with you? Would you trust her to not hurt you? Would you trust her to make decisions about your life? I certainly hope not. Going back to that ‘jumping too quickly’ and ‘needing to belong to someone’ thing, let’s expand a bit. You’ve studied, learned about yourself, and talked to others in the lifestyle. Now you’re ready to find a partner, so you start actively looking. Decide what you DO and DO NOT want in a partner. Both are equally important. Once you find someone you share an interest with, discover your compatibility. It’s very important to discuss all areas and aspects of the life and type of relationship you might be sharing with your prospective partner. It’s important to know where they stand on the D/s scheme of things. Some of the things you might wish to discuss include, but are not limited to: Dynamics of the relationship, expectations, punishment, types of play, limits, safety (including safe sex), safewords, health (mental & physical), etc. We have many of these mentioned resources articles available on CollarNcuffs.com

However, what about life in general together?

There is more to finding a partner than whether or not they are an experienced and good top/dominant. Is she a good human being? Can you trust this person not only with your physical well-being, but can you trust them to make decisions for you based on your moral beliefs? That part is often overlooked in the beginning, as the Femdom part seems to be the main focus when trying to determine compatibility. But what about things like: Bank accounts, will they be joint?; is marriage an option?; what if gets pregnant?; what if one of you cannot have children?; is religion an important issue to one or both of you?; will you be allowed, expected, or required to work outside the home?; does your prospective partner use drugs or alcohol?; what about medical care?; what about family? Find out about these and any other things that may be important to you.

When in a D/s relationship, there is a certain amount of conditioning/training/change that may take place. But, if you try to conform to the dominant’s ‘grand plan’, when it absolutely does not match your own desires and needs, then you are “settling” and are not likely to find yourself in an ideal situation. I’m not saying you have to agree on every little detail. That whole “to-may-toe/ to-mah-toe” thing isn’t a big issue, but there are many things that you may not be able to compromise on. Compromise is good…but knowing when and on what issues is vital.

Too often, some novices will settle for what they might believe is the best they can do, as opposed to what they really need. Maybe they’ve searched for months or even a couple of years without success. This can be exceptionally disheartening. However, settling for the first person that shows you attention can be disastrous. Would you go to a bar, meet a person and then run off to the Justice of the Peace and marry her that very night, that week, or even that month? Most probably not. Generic vanilla-type questions are just as important, as the D/s related ones.

GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER.

You have the inalienable right to consent. It is your choice, and that choice should not be made rashly. In getting to know your partner, she will be learning about you too. It is “imperative” that you be completely honest not only with her, but with yourself as well. Tell her what you need, what you’re interested in, what you’re afraid of, what you might want to try some time in the future, but perhaps aren’t ready for yet. If you are unsure about something, say so. If you don’t know what something is, ask. Dominants are not mind-readers… If you want something, ask… Even though it detracts from your ideal of having a dominant JUST KNOW what we want/need. Most people aren’t experts on taking hints. So, if they don’t know you want it, chances are… you won’t get it.

If you do ask, and they don’t really give you an answer, in some cases, you may have to reaffirm your interest, possibly even a few times. It might be that she simply wants to make sure it’s something you really want, and not a whim. Been there…done that…LOL… If they haven’t given you a definite a, just remind her that you really want to try it, whatever it happens to be. However, I don’t recommend nagging.

“Triggers” is another topic of importance.

Think incredibly hard about your past. The times you’ve been hurt, specific words, names, or scenarios that could cause a ‘trigger-effect’ (define this as “something that makes you cringe and/or recall vividly bad past experiences”). It’s not exactly fun to reflect on the bad parts of our past, but is important to do so in order to help avoid possibly bad situations in the future. Make sure you know each other’s limits, too. Too often, new Submissives are afraid to say “no” due to a fear of disappointing their dominant or not seeming “very submissive” if they refuse. That’s bull!!! Limits are set for a reason, and it’s ok to say no. Always, always, always play with a safe word.

Good luck and remember to enjoy!!!

Article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

related reading in the same section:

Collar meanings 

Chivalry or weakness 

10 commandments 
subspace 

sub space drop 

degrees of sub 
sub V’s slave 

starting out sub 

D/s Marriage 
multi-orgasmic 
On Being Submissive

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Collars and meanings

In the world of BDSM and Femdom , collars can play many roles. And can carry many protocols, depending on their intent and who puts them in place. In stating this, it should be known that this is generally the way things maybe, but not always. As each person’s desires and ideas normally fit their own needs. The explanation for each type of collar is indeed my view although it may be generally shared by many.

One of the things I cannot stress enough to new submissives is to make sure your ingurgitation of what a collar means is the same as person offering it. Often there can be a huge disconnect

Table of Contents

Protection Collar

A Protection Collar is given to a submissive or slave who is without a Master or Dominant, or worn by an owned sub or slave where their Master or Dominant is not near. This collar serves as a means of keeping a sub or slave safe until they are under consideration. This would allow them to be more part of group events and munches without fear of being used or abused. In the case of an owned sub or slave, the protection collar insures their owner’s wishes and desires are respected when they can not be there.

Collar of Consideration

This collar is often given when a Master or Dominant is seeking out a sub or slave for ownership; some would say it is like an engagement ring. This collar lets others know that a sub or slave is being sought by One and therefore is not seeking a Master or Dominant at this time.

Training Collar

The Training Collar is seen more in long-term relationships. It’s worn during a sub’s or slave’s training period. Some use it as a public play collar because a Collar of Ownership maybe too formal or delicate for play. Training Collars are also considered a stepping stone on the path of ownership.

Fashion Collars

Fashion Collars are worn normally as a fashion statement. Many different groups (i.e., Goth, punk, fetish) will wear them. They hold no real meaning. This collar should not be confused with a Public Collar.

Collar of Ownership

The Collar of Ownership is that given to a sub or slave when a Master or Dominant decides to own the sub or slave. This collar is normally seen in conjunction with a long-term relationship that may have a contract or agreement in place. This collar may be given in many different ceremonies. High value is and should be placed on this collar. A Collar of Ownership is not given normally without thought and a true desire to accept the responsibilities of owning someone (and being owned).

Public Collars

A Public Collar, although sometimes hard to recognize, is worn in place of the more traditional collar during more public (vanilla) outings. This collar can be represented in many ways (i.e., a broach, pin, or bracelet). This is normally chosen by the individuals involved in the relationship

Play collars are worn for scenes only.

They can be worn between people in vanilla relationships who like the occasional BDSM play. D/s couples who don’t feel it necessary to wear a collar all the time, or even strangers at BDSM clubs or parties who are only playing together for one scene. Putting on a play collar can be like putting on lingerie–it gets you in the mood to play and can help put you in subspace! A collar may be more part of a costume than a D/s symbol in pet play.

Digital Collars

While most people picture some sort of physical collar in their minds, the practice has been adopted for use online in the last decade or more. In forums, chatrooms, and other Femdom spaces, submissives will sometimes mark that they’ve been collared. This is typically a signifier of a long-term relationship and may mean other dominants cannot speak to them without their dominant’s permission.

One example involves submissives using symbols such as brackets that look like a collar and possibly a leash next to their dominant’s name. For example:

{submissive}~Dominant this was very popular inn online chatrooms in the early 2000 to 2010s it has now seemed to fall out of favor.

Protocols

There are many forms of collars and almost just as many protocols that follow them. These protocols, like the collars themselves, fit the desires of those who place them. If you’re not sure of the meaning of a collar ask, most will tell you. In some cases subs or slave are not allowed to interact with other Dominants or Masters without permission of their owners (this may also be true in the case of a Protection Collar). RESPECT its meaning and the wishes of the Dominant as well as the sub or slave by not forcing yourself upon a collared individual for an answer. If a request is to be placed on subs or slaves, seek out their owner(s). All negotiations between subs and slaves wearing collars should be with those who put the collar in place.

As stated in the beginning these are generally accepted ways but are not always the same for each person. They are guidelines and normally when followed the respect given will be returned.

Resource Article : MissBonnie

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I’m often asked about punishment by new Domina‘s.

domme walking around

Table of Contents

How do I punish?

What should I do? What do you punish?

What do I let slide and forgive?

I can only answer these question for myself and comment on how I deal with punishment issues. How you choose to deal with infractions is up to yourself, and your own individual flare and style. Dominas all have different needs and different requirements from submissives…what I require from my submissives may be different to your needs.

Punishment is an inevitable element of relationships between a Mistress and a sub. To speak shortly, punishment is designed for behaviour correction. But all involved in BDSM/Femdom know that punishment is a gift and the Domme’s benefaction as it helps to get free from feeling of guilt and it is a sign of the Top’s care for her sub. This article is not meant as ‘how too guide’ but more for a creative spark to plan your own course of punishment actions. The main issue with punishments that I can’t stress highly enough is consistency! If you threaten to punish him/her follow it through! Your submissive is seeking your guidance and control. Not punishing an act you find unacceptable is sending out a message you have no control.

Perhaps there is no need to mention that necessity of punishment must be realized by the slave and no penalty can take place without the sub’s agreement. Femdom relationships always imply love goodwill, and safe sane and consensual actions. So punishment must be necessarily discussed in advance. To effectively punish. Punishment requires some suggestions which can be followed any time a Domme finds it necessary to give her sub a lesson.

Three Main Punishment suggestions

  • 1. Punishment in any detail must be different from other types of Femdom action. Otherwise the submissive is going to get used to it and take punishment as something habitual – what lesson is he going to be given than? For instance you can have special BDSM toys used only for punishment and nothing else. Use them only when punishing your sub. In this case these BDSM toys are going to be associated only with actions intended to punish him/her.
  • 2. It is the Domme who defines severity of punishment as well as its other details. The Domme chooses the time her Sub is going to be punished, What BDSM toys she is going to use, tortures the sub must undergo etc. All these things must not be discussed; otherwise this is going to be anything but punishment and in fact might be something the submissive seeks out and desires!
  • 3. One offence – one punishment. This is the main principle which if not followed makes punishment useless. The sub must always be aware what s/he is being punished for.

Now let us speak about punishment itself. Actually punishment for my submissives consists of five suggested steps. They may or may not fit your chosen form of Femdom practices.

Step one. Explanation

This step implies explanation of what was done wrong and what your slave should have done instead. Make sure the submissive realizes his/her guilt otherwise everything that comes next is going to be of no use. Submissives left struggling with reasons for punishment often feel confused and disorientated with other activities. Left questioning they often question every action they undertake on your behalf. A submissive is not a mind reader ‘communication’ is a must if you ever wish to alter his/her behaviour.

Step two. Sub who begs for punishment.

Punishment might always involve this step and it might never imply it – everything depends on the Top. The bottom does not have the right to choose whether s/he should beg to punish him/her or not – this is not a matter for him/her to decide. A submissive asking to be punished is topping from the bottom and learning that s/he can alter the outcome of plans. Make a mental note that s/he is asking for punishment and try to evaluate why s/he is asking. Does s/he need more attention? Is s/he trying to manipulate you into action? Why is this occurring? This more often the question that needs addressing. Is there an underlying problem?

Step three. Getting ready for punishment and realization of guilt.

The fourth action is perhaps the longest one and it takes place without the Domme’s interference. I have found this step has helped my submissive/s greatly in rectifying his/her errors so they never reoccur. This might imply being on knees in very uncomfortable position in darkness. As well it might imply use of some BDSM toys, such as restraints. This step is very effective as being alone the bottom feels lonely and denied. Alone (or time out) allows for reflection time on the ‘error‘ the time out allows the submissive time from distractions to evaluate what has occurred. Time out also allows for the submissive to get in the right head space and let go off the vanilla world.

Step four. Punishment.

The fourth step is punishment itself. Here no recommendations can be given. Everything that takes place during this stage of punishment depends on the Domme and HER own personal tastes, likes and desires. This can be not only inflicting pain on the bottom as many might think. Verbal communication is as well very important.

The Mistress can order her sub to repeat a part of guilt explanation in order to find out that the slave understood and realized his/her guilt. Realization of guilt can be expressed in some other way, for instance by saying “Thank you, Mistress!” or “forgive me Mistress! “After each blow or by continuous licking the Mistress’ feet during the punishment.

Verbal communication between the top and the bottom implies that the Domme should let her sub know whether the latter can cry or not. As well she should make it clear what is going to happen if the bottom cries in spite of this prohibition.

The top can let the bottom know how long punishment is going to last, what toys she is going to use, using this method the Domme must be consistent in her set plan of action and never falter. My advise to the newer less confident Domme or Domina in a new relationship would to NOT do this if she can at all help it, setting punishments length or duration often means the submissive may have to take more than s/he needs or less than s/he needs at the time of punishment. By not informing the submissive of the full extent of the punishments details it allows you room to adjust without appearing to of ‘softened’ on the punishment or appearing to lost control of the situation. So again everything depends on the Domme’s will to remain consistent to her original punishment goal.

Step five. Forgiveness.

Punishment has ended. The top might order the bottom to thank her for punishment. She can let her slave know what punishment he is going to undergo for committing the same crime again. And of course the top must let this slave know whether the latter is forgiven or not. In the end I should say that the first punishment must be very severe. Than punishments might become rarer and less cruel. Full-fledged D/s relationships imply that after some time punishment must become a very rare event or there should be no punishments at all as the most terrible thing for a bottom is being deprived of his Mistress’ love.

What ever methods you choose make sure you are comfortable in there delivery. You are trying to give your submissive ’rules’ to suit your desires, using a method you dislike will only add to you not enjoying the process and delaying its deliverance.

Enjoy the process, it shouldn’t be a chore and shouldn’t be out of anger. Punishment should be administered because you know your submissive and yourself will ‘both’ benefit from it effects and outcome.

If you are angry step away and re gather your thoughts and personal control. Acting in anger can cause misjudgement in your actions. Actions need to be clear, concise, too the point, relaying your intended purpose for correction. Often punishments dealt in anger can lead to injury or relationship problems.

Once you have administered your chosen punishment aftercare may be required.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs.com 2008

Further Resources :

Aftercare 

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any BDSM scene or play. It refers to the care and attention given to participants after engaging in intense activities. Whether you identify as a submissive or dominant, aftercare is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare helps in the transition from an intense scene back to a state of normalcy. It allows for emotional grounding, physical recovery, and the nurturing of the bond between participants. It can also help prevent subdrop or Dommedrop, which are emotional and physical lows experienced after intense play. It is a very important part of how to do Femdom activities


10 Commandments 

There are several things a submissive can do to help themselves to help Dommes, that are simple in form and structure but often forgotten about. Being submissive is more than groaning in pleasure on que! Learning how to Femdom the right way is very important.


Top hints and tricks 

When first getting into the scene and learning about Femdom, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here’s this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they’re helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust… and now what do you do?


Mistress primer 

Want to be the best Mistress? Most new starting out think the beginning is learning how to tie that perfect knot or create that perfect scene. Many forget the begining in the Femdom lifestyle starts internal with personality traits.


Fledgling Dommes 

I think I’m a Domme, how can I find my way? How to become a Mistress, answers?


Starting out Domme 

You’re Domme so what now ? How to start out Femdom relationships. How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation experience to find the Love of your Life (or – in the meantime – someone wonderful to play with)?


sub husband help

So you’ve just found out your husband is submissive, where do you go from here. A candid look at wives journey when her Husband introduced her to Femdom.


Punishment

How do I punish? What should I do? What do you punish?

When it comes to punishment in BDSM relationships, it’s important to remember that each Dominant has their own unique approach and requirements. What works for one may not work for another, and it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to establish boundaries and expectations.

In order for any punish to be successful you need Clear Expectations: Before engaging in any BDSM Femdom activities, it’s crucial to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your submissive. This includes discussing what behaviors may warrant punishment and what the consequences may be.


Sex Talk

When it comes to intimacy, communication plays a vital role in enhancing the overall experience. It’s no surprise that many individuals find pleasure in hearing spicy talks during sexual encounters. In fact, the power of a seductive voice can often be more arousing than physical stimulation itself. This is why telephone sex has gained such popularity.

For those who are new to the world of talking sexy, it can be a bit daunting to get started, especially if you’re used to keeping silent in the bedroom. However, embracing this form of communication can take your relationship to a new level of intimacy. So, don’t be afraid to embrace the power of words and let your voice guide you to new levels of eroticism in the bedroom.


Diffidence 

Any Femdom (a female dominant) at the beginning of her being involved in BDSM activities does face some problems which prevent her from getting pleasure of what she is doing. Actually any dominant can have his or her own problems as people differ and have their own psychological peculiarities. However, there are some problems common for any Femdom, such as: fear of not being up to stereotypes, lack of self-confidence and lack of skill in scenario planning.


BBWs 

Men Who Love BBWs Admirers or Fetishists?


Inner Mistress 

Waking up your inner Mistress

tease, Humiliate 

Want your male submissive begging for more? ideas and suggestions to build on. As published by MissBonnie in German Bondage Guide.

The importance of Honesty and trust

Explore the dynamics of Femdom relationships, focusing on the essential elements of honesty and trust. Learn how mutual consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries foster a healthy and fulfilling connection. Discover strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy and dealing with breaches of trust, ensuring a resilient and thriving relationship.

The Joy of Male Submission Within Femdom

Explore the psychological and emotional dimensions of male submission in Femdom relationships. Learn how trust, vulnerability, and the desire to please foster deep connections and mutual respect. Discover the benefits of male submission for both partners, including personal growth, emotional bonding, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries.

Scenario planning is an essential aspect of BDSM play, as it helps create a safe and consensual environment for all participants. New Femdoms or those just feeling burnt out, many initially struggle with developing and executing engaging scenarios. This can be attributed to a lack of experience or knowledge in this area. Engaging in research, attending workshops, and seeking guidance from experienced dominants can help you enhance your skills in scenario planning. We can help you further with this in our online Community.

In conclusion, you, like any Female dominant, may face certain challenges when starting their journey in BDSM. Overcoming the fear of stereotypes, building self-confidence, and improving scenario planning skills are common areas of growth for Dommes. By embracing your own unique style, seeking support, and continuously learning, you can navigate these challenges and find pleasure in your Femdom activities with your partner.

we can help more than just this resource section:


studyBDSM and studyFemdom – Don’t forget we also have various Free Femdom/BDSM educational and emotional support programs on CollarNcuffs. We can help you if you wish, 100 percent for FREE. No catch!


Such as FREE PROGRAM: Help, my husband wants me to be his Domme and FREE PROGRAM: Femdom 101 for those just starting out with Femdom needing to learn the basics in Female Dominance. Please join our COMMUNITY to request access, all access is 100% free.We invite you to join our community of like-minded individuals who share your interests in femdom and BDSM. Engage with our 100% Free content, leave comments, share your experiences. Meet fellow Kinksters. Chat and interact one on one. Your feedback is invaluable and helps us to continuously improve the content we offer.

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Explicit Consent / Implicit consent

What are the qualities that make a great play partner? Ask ten people and you’ll get ten wildly diverse answers, but you’ll also find that some qualities are universally cherished. Clear communication about desires, interests and turn-offs is at the top of the hit parade, and the ability to listen – really listen – is as precious as tickets to a Pearl Jam concert. In fact, play that is safe, sensual and satisfying depends on the ability of partners to absorb information via all six of the senses. Everything you see, hear, taste, smell, touch and intuit provides an awareness of your partner and yourself that you need in order to play considerately and consensually.

BDSM players often speak of “pushing limits” or taking partners to their edges. Newcomers to the experience may erroneously conclude that these phrases imply going beyond activities that were agreed upon. Mostly, they would be wrong. Yet, consent is a tricky concept, and includes at least two sub-categories: explicit and implicit consent. Safe, enjoyable play requires an appreciation of the differences between them.

Explicit Consent

In the early stages of a relationship, discussing the boundaries of consent allows players to develop their connection and ascertain skill and experience levels. Spelling out what is and is not OK is important to the development of trust. Plus, this information gives the top a chance to slowly discover the range of a bottom’s sensitivities without making unwarranted assumptions or taking unwise risks.

One way to initiate negotiations is to discuss the items on one of the “bdsm checklists” here on site. These lists allow partners to numerically rate a nearly unfathomable variety of activities, indicating their level of experience and enjoyment or potential interest in each. Talking about the items elicits a wealth of insights and enables free-flowing discussion about even the most extreme variations. Using the lists helps partners see how the other thinks and processes information, and encourages expanded discussion about items of special interest or concern.

Favorite flavors and “hard limits” – i.e., those “no way in this lifetime” activities – are clarified.

During initial play sessions, negotiated activity can be limited to items that both partners have rated highly. Preferences are hardly ambiguous when you’re staring at a sheaf of papers that have 5’s (love it!) and 4’s scribbled under some categories, but not others. Plus, when the getting-to-know you process is also the first stage in scouting for a serious relationship, it’s useful to know early-on whether the items that one person rates a perpetual 5 only warrants a 1 – or even an “over my dead body” 0 – from the other.

Implicit Consent

As a relationship progresses, some forms of explicit consent may no longer be required. For instance, if your partner knows you’re OK with anal plugs, and you know that your partner is skillful in inserting them, she probably doesn’t need your explicit consent to surprise you with a larger plug, or one that vibrates. You have a safeword, you’ve established mutual trust, so she can go for the gusto, confident that you will let her know if you’re unhappy with the new sensations. You, in turn, feel safe in the hands of someone with experience interpreting your every shade of oooh, aaah, and ouch.

Consent can get tricky, however, when you’ve given someone clear permission to push the boundaries of intimate activity. In that case, consent to new activities becomes implicit rather than explicitly negotiated. Forms of explicitly outlined consensual “non-consent” occur mostly in relationships where the “top” is given express psychological control over the “bottom.” Here, the terms dominant and submissive better describe the power dynamic. A submissive might explicitly relinquish power to the dominant in specified areas of life, including the erotic sphere. That would mean, theoretically, that within the confines of reason and safety, the dominant could do anything she wishes. Does this mean that your partner can or should do things that you would find disgusting or frightening? Does he or she really have carte blanche? The answer to those questions is – explicitly – no!

Even in the realm of implicit consent, the submissive should always retain a safeword to alert the partner to unforeseen (or invisible to the dom) problems. The dominant is implicitly expected to focus on the submissive’s pleasure as much as, if not more than, her own. (“Pleasure” is a subjective experience, which is why knowing one’s partner well is key here.) Even pain-play is meant to be ecstatically pleasing, and any activity that the dominant has reason to suspect would be repellent to the submissive, or which he is not sufficiently skilled to employ safely should be avoided – and “safe” encompasses both the physical and psychological. Nobody gets “dom-credit” for being rash and thoughtless. To the contrary, for serious players within a community of players, inconsiderate or irresponsible partners may be identified publicly. A reputation as a worthy play-partner can be built or destroyed based upon maintaining consistent respect for the needs and desires of one’s partners. Respect may even include ignoring a submissive’s craving for more intensity if the dominant suspects that she is too strung out on endorphins to be a good judge of her own condition. Backing off if the dominant is concerned for the submissive’s well-being – even if the sub is begging for more – is an often under-rated aspect of sensitive and considerate play.

A submissive who later complains about a dom’s caution could be seen as inconsiderate of the dom’s right to feel safe, too. Submissives can manipulate and shame dominants just as dominants can upset submissives. A sensitive submissive partner is one who understands how precarious the dom’s moment to moment decisions can be, who doesn’t expect a “mind-reader,” and who knows that the quality of his communication is crucial to the dominant’s ability to orchestrate a fulfilling experience for both of them.

The term “play” is used for a reason: kinky sexuality is all about entrancing times for adults, deep erotic connection, and lingering bliss. Looking back on a play-date with a happy gleam in one’s eye – not anger, regret, shame, or a bill from the ER – is the whole point.

My advice to tops/dominants is to move slowly in new relationships. Be willing to err on the side of safety and concern for the bottom and in the interests of your own peace of mind. There will always be time later to play harder, test limits, and audaciously challenge one’s self and one’s partner. In the world of kinky play, giant leaps are mostly for the arrogant and childish. Respectful steps are for smart, savvy grown-ups.

About the Author:

A psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City, Dr. Joy Davidson has been involved in the development of internet-based sexuality education for much of her career. Convinced that the internet has the capacity to revolutionize intimate connections, she has been actively researching and writing about the internet as a vehicle for sexual expression, education, and therapy for nearly a decade.

Dr. Davidson was a key contributor to MSN’s pioneering online magazine for women, Underwire, as well as a sex and relationships columnist for MSN’s WomenCentral.com, SexualHealth.com, and SavvyMiss.com. Offline, she was for 8 years the sex columnist for Playgirl magazine and Men’s Fitness magazine. In addition to her current articles on LoveandHealth.info, she hosts a sexual enhancement video series, The Joy Spot, which can be viewed on other major video sites as well. Dr. Davidson’s personal website is www.joydavidson.com

Dr. Davidson is the author of Fearless Sex: A Babe’s Guide to Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life You Deserve (2004, Fairwinds Press), which, in hardcover, was a selection of the Literary Guild and the Venus Book Club. As an expert on sexual issues in popular media and culture, she is also a contributor to four of Benbella Books’ acclaimed “Smart Pop” anthologies and the editor of an upcoming fifth release. Her astute insights and warm, vivacious personal style have made Dr. Davidson a sought-after speaker at seminars and conferences, and a guest on hundreds of national television and radio shows, including Oprah, 20/20, CNN News, Entertainment Tonight, Montel, and Bill O’Reilly. She was the host of 36 episodes of the Playboy channel’s series, “Secret Confessions and Fantasies,” and the writer/creator of the Playboy/Sharper Image home video series, “Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever.” Dr. Davidson is a frequently featured expert in national magazines and press, including USA Today, Salon.com, Redbook, Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist, and a member of AASECT’s Board of Directors.

Article by Dr. Davidson © CollarNcuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.

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ABUSE AND EROTIC POWER EXCHANGE

Table of Contents

Voluntary: 

all partners involved in erotic power exchange activity of whatever nature should decide to do so of their own free will and choice and without any force applied. Sometimes the element of “force” may be hidden. Such can be the case if either of the parties faces (or fears to be faced with) economical or social repercussions if he or she does not go along with what the other partner(s) wants. This may be the case for example if colleagues at work enter into EPE-activities or within a marriage. If either of the partners feels forced, for whatever reason, the situation is non-voluntary.

Informed: 

all partners involved in erotic power exchange should base their decision to do so on correct information and should be able to judge the situation and possible consequences. A simple “yes” often is not enough, especially in cases where it is doubtful whether the person saying “yes” does not or can not know what the implications are or can be.

Consensual: 

all partners involved should agree to what is going to happen or happening and should have the possibility to evaluate previous decisions in the event they are faced with emotions, reactions or information they feel is of importance to their situation. Sane: decisions with respect to erotic power exchange activities should be made when all partners involved are of a clear mind. Consent as a result of the use of drugs, alcohol or the rush or the situation is not consent.

Safe: erotic power exchange activities should be safe, both physically and mentally and in the event physical or mental risks are taken – for example in an edge play situation – people should be well informed about the possible risks, implications and repercussions.

Moral or ethical code

Although the majority of the people, involved in erotic power exchange, usually have very high moral and ethical standards there is no standard moral or ethical code when it comes to erotic power exchange. Since EPE is such a personal and intimate activity it is questionable if such a moral code can be produced at all. This means that people who are into erotic power exchange activities very much depend on their own judgment, often without references.

Seeking advice is difficult, since it may be very hard to find a reliable source – in general terms as well as with respect to your own personal situation. However, there are some general rules of thumb to go by when evaluating your personal position or a situation you are about to enter:

Respect: 

Any erotic power exchange relationship should be based on mutual respect. In the event you have doubts about this, it is very likely there is something wrong.

Communication: Communication is paramount when it comes to erotic power exchange. Communication is a two way street. If you feel your arguments, feelings and thoughts are disregarded you have stumbled on another warning signal.

Relationship: 

In general – disregarding incidental kick-seeking – erotic power exchange can only flourish within a sound and solid relationship.

Dominance and ego: 

Dominance is not male chauvinism pr Female supremacy. Although it is sometimes very hard to draw the lines in individual cases, ego trips are out of the question when it comes to erotic power exchange. It is a mistake to think only the submissive can be “persuaded” into something s/he does not want. It happens to dominants as well and submissives can sometimes be very persistent and manipulative.

Recognizing domestic violence

Domestic violence is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without his/her consent. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. By asking yourself the following questions and watching for the following signals you may evaluate the situation you are in:

Physical signals

Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you? (Erotic power exchange scenes excluded) Has he or she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room or used a weapon of any kind?

Are you afraid of your partner?

Does your partner constantly or frequently criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control or ridicule you for the limits you do set?

Do you feel obliged to have sex?

Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?

Isolation

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner prohibit you to take part in social events or activities?

Property

Has your partner ever destroyed objects?

Has your partner ever threatened pets?

Economical

Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources?

Has he/she ever stolen from you or run up debts?

Emotional/Psychological

Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self esteem?

Do you feel you can not discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Abuse within an erotic power exchange relationship

Although it does not occur often, abuse within an erotic power exchange relation does occur. Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not “agreed” upon. Domestic violence is not the same as consentual S/M. As a result of their sexual orientation, abused persons who are in an erotic power exchange relationship may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes.

These are question that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is an abusive one:

Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?

Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?

Has s/he ever violated your limits?

Do you feel “trapped” in a specific role (submissive or dominant)?

Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?

General reflections

No one has the right to abuse you and you are not responsible for the violence. You are also not alone. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship or situation interact with other survivors. You will find them in local or regional support groups.

There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Fear of or feelings for the abuser may be one of them. Lack of economic or emotional resources is another. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs and 24-hour crisis lines in your area. Ask a friend to help you make these calls.

And, if you are planning on leaving: plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency. Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options.

Abuse in an erotic power exchange relationship can have an even greater impact than if it happens in another relationship. The amount of trust given can have been extremely high, thus the aftermath, the disappointment and the guilt feelings can be enormous. One word of advice to aid workers: someone who has been in an erotic power exchange relationship did not bring it upon him or her self. Especially in an erotic power exchange relationship the breech of trust by the abuser is enormous.

This article is partially based on material, produced by the American National Leather Association, the Dutch S&M Media Information Center and the POWERotics. Feel free to redistribute but please do make references to these sources © collarncuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channels

Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

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Submissive Femdom / BDSM Play Partner Check List

Please Note. Update 2024: we have many more free printable checklists contained within our 100% Free to use Femdom Community

This questionnaire should be filled out by a Sub and provided to their Dom/Top before playing with them. This will provide a quick “head-start” to identifying limits, negotiating and finding common ground for play. For each item, you need to provide two answers:

  • First write YES or NO next to each item to indicate if you have ever DONE that activity.
  • Mark N/A if it does not apply to your gender.
  • Next, indicate for each item how you FEEL about that activity by rating it on a scale of NO or 0 to 5.
  • NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit).
  • 0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don’t like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would be willing to do it to please the Dominant if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a “soft limit”).
  • 1 means you don’t want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn’t object if it was asked of you.
  • 2 means you are willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you.
  • 3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular/ occasional basis.
  • 4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis.
  • 5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible.

Mark with an asterisk (*) those items which you are willing to do only with you current sex partner(s), but not with casual play-partners.

Note any additional information which might be important for your Domme to know.

There is intentionally some overlap between categories. Unless otherwise stated, the Sub is the recipient of the activity.

Partner Check List
ActivitiesExperience, Willingness
yes/no,NO or 0-5
Abrasion
Age play
Anal sex
Anal plugs (small)
Anal plugs (large)
Anal plug (public, under clothes)
Animal roles
Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders)
Asphyxiation
Auctioned for charity
Bathroom use control
Beastiality
Beating (soft)
Beating (hard)
Blindfolds
Being serviced (sexual)
Being bitten
Breast/chest bondage
Breath control
Branding
Boot worship
Bondage (light)
Bondage (heavy)
Bondage (multi-day)
Bondage (public, under clothing)
Breast whipping
Brown showers (scat)
Cages (locked inside of)
Caning
Catheterization
Cells/Closets (locked inside of)
Chastity belts
Chaueffering
Choking
Clothespins
Cock worship
Collars (worn in private)
Collars (worn in public)
Competitions (with other Subs)
Corsets (wearing)
Cuffs (leather)
Cuffs (metal)
Cutting
Dilation
Double penetration
Electricity
Enemas
Enforced chastity
Examinations (physical)
Exercise (forced/required)
Exhibitionism (friends)
Exhibitionism (strangers)
Eye contact restrictions
Face slapping
Fantasy abandonment
Fantasy rape
Fantasy gang-rape
Fisting (anal)
Fisting (vaginal)
Following orders
Foot worship
Forced dressing
Forced homosexuality
Forced masturbation
Forced nudity (private)
Forced nudity (around others)
Forced servitude
Full head hoods
Gags (cloth)
Gags (rubber)
Gags (tape)
Gates of Hell (male)
Genital sex
Given away to another Dom (temp)
Given away to another Dom (perm)
Golden showers
Hairbrush spankings
Hair pulling
Hand jobs (giving)
Hand jobs (receiving)
Harems (serving w/other subs)
Harnessing (leather)
Harnessing (rope)
Having food chosen for you
Having clothing chosen for you
Head (giving fellatio)
Head (receiving fellatio)
High heel worship
Homage with toungue (non-sexual)
Hot oils (on genitals)
Hot waxing
Housework (doing)
Human puppy dog
Humiliation (private)
Humiliation (public)
Hypnotism
Ice cubes
Infantalism
Initiation rites
Injections
Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage
Interrogations
Kidnapping
Kneeling
Leather clothing
Leather restraints
Lectures for misbehavior
Licking (non-sexual)
Manacles & Irons
Manacures (giving)
Massage (giving)
Massage (receiving)
Medical scenes
Modeling for erotic photos
Mouth bits
Mummification
Nipple clamps
Nipple weights
Oral/anal play (rimming)
Over-the-knee spanking
Orgasm denial
Orgasm control
Outdoor scenes
Outdoor sex
Phone sex (serving Dom)
Phone sex (serving Dom’s friends)
Prison scenes
Pony slave
Public exposure
Pussy/cock whipping
Pussy worship
Riding crops
Riding the “horse” (crotch tort.)
Rituals
Religious scenes
Restrictive rules on behavior
Rubber/latex clothing
Rope body harness
Saran wrapping
Scratching – getting
Scratching – giving
Sensory deprivation
Serving
Serving as art
Serving as ashtray
Serving as furniture
Serving as a maid
Serving as toilet
Serving as waitress/waiter
Serving orally (sexual)
Serving other doms (supervised)
Piercing (temporary, play-pierce)
Piercing (permanant)
Serving other doms (unsupervised)
Sexual deprivation (short term)
Sexual deprivation (long term)
Shaving (body hair)
Shaving (head hair)
Sleep deprivation
Sleepsacks
Slutty clothing (private)
Slutty clothing (public)
Spanking
Spandex clothing
Speech restrictions (when, what)
Speculums (Anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Spreader bars
Standing in corner
Stocks
Straight jackets
Strap-on-dildos (sucking on)
Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by)
Strap-on-dildos (wearing)
Strapping (full body beating)
Suspension (upright)
Suspension (inverted)
Suspension (horizontal)
Supplying new partners for Dom
Swallowing semen
Swallowing urine
Swapping (with one other couple)
Swinging (multiple couples)
Tattooing
Teasing
Tickling
Triple penetration
Uniforms
Including others
Vaginal dildo
Verbal humiliation
Vibrator on genitals
Voyeurism (watching others)
Voyeurism (your Dom w/others)
Video (watching others)
Video (recordings of you)
Water torture
Wearing symbolic jewelery
Whipping
Wooden paddles
Wrestling

Article MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

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Limits

In the Femdom/BDSM world, limits refer to activities that a partner feels strongly about, and to which special attention must be paid.

Before a Femdom scene

  • Before a Femdom scene, it is common to perform a negotiation to outline what will and will not happen during the play session. During this time, all participants outline what they desire and what they will not tolerate. This is the time to discuss limits.

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits

Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. They can be spoken or written in the form of a contract, discussing them fully usually results in an improved experience for all involved.

Popular variants include:

  • Hard Limit – something that must NOT be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. Examples include “scat is a hard limit for me” or “I have a back injury, so striking on the back is a hard limit”.
  • Soft Limit – something that someone will do only in special circumstances or when highly aroused. Example – “I will only do anal sex with a very experienced partner”.
  • “Must” limit – something that a person will not do the scene without. Examples include “lots of hair pulling is a must-limit for me” or “If you’re going to flog me, I’ll need lots of aftercare”.
  • Time limit – an amount of time after which play ceases.
  • No Limits – the Dominant may do anything she cares to with the submissive. This is usually a sign of an inexperienced player who does not yet know what their limits are. In reality, even the most hardened and experienced players have limits.
  • “No limits” play is more the stuff of porn and thriller movies than in actual, real-life Femdom. This is also sometimes used as a term for TPE or Total Power Exchange.

Negotiation

Negotiation in Femdom community is a form of communication where participants make arrangements on each others’ requirements, responsibilities and limits to find the best possible agreement.
As BDSM is sexual practice that keeps to SSC philosophy, negotiation is necessary to set sexual activity within the boundaries of these principles.

Activity within Femdom relationships requires trust, openness about most practices that may include risks. On the other hand, partners have certain needs which should be clearly defined in order to be properly satisfied. In this regard, negotiation is essential part not only when parties were not familiar with each other but also in case when partners have long-term relationships.

Negotiation may not only concern a particular session but touch upon a more wide range of subjects on a BDSM philosophy in general: considerations on a lifestyle, the perspectives of the relationships, religious beliefs and many other issues that can be in one way or another connected to BDSM activity.

Negotiation within the limits of BDSM practice can be performed either verbally or in written form. One of the most common ways to clarify all the issues concerning participation in BDSM activity is to make use of negotiation form.

Negotiation form form is a list of needs, limits and activities within BDSM practice presented to both participants for a specification of the details of BDSM session.

Types of negotiation

1. Scene negotiation takes place before the actual participation in Femdom session, during the session and after it. It can be done in written form, where all the topics discussed will be listed for agreement or disagreement. This is made to evaluate the possible productivity of the session and compatibility of both partners. Negotiation on a pre-scene phase may include discussing such things as: Arrangement of Roles – who will take the part of the top partner or bottom partner, and participation of any other observers, the way partners address each other. Expectations and needs of both partners- likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs: Limits of the scene – boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences)Types of play – practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation; BDSM Equipment and or furnishings and attire- what materials, adult toys and fetish wear (leather lingerie, Corsets, PVC etc.) will be used; Duration of the scene – at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time :Health concerns – talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications and other Safety measures – any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong way

Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any

Safe words – one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

Negotiation that takes place after session is focused mainly on the following: possible drawbacks or otherwise positive moments, feelings and suggestions on the next sessions often referred too as Aftercare.

2. Relationships negotiation is a form of negotiation that concerns consideration of building up a scene relationship or a more committed 24/7 relationships. Partners who are interested in long-term relationships sign up a kind of contract that is similar to one a couple signs when getting married. Together with the questions that concern BDSM activity, partners discuss long-term arrangements: type of this relationship, agreement on living together, financial and psychological responsibilities. When both parties agree on TPE relationships they usually agree on signing up a contract in support of their commitment to BDSM lifestyle and each other. Such contracts do not have a legal base but they allow partners to determine all the aspects of their lifestyle more clearly.

Negotiation is aimed to give a certain order to BDSM scene especially when things are quite new to both partners. Here is one of the examples of the issues that can be included in a negotiation form on a forthcoming BDSM scene. Of course, negotiation form is an individual thing and you may well variegate sections and suggest to make it more detailed.

Sample Negotiation form

General information about your partner

  • Name (nickname)
  • Age
  • Marital status
  • Address
  • Participants
  • number of participants
  • observer (if any)

Roles

  • Domme
  • Sub

The way of addressing the other

  • Mistress
  • slave
  • pet
  • others

Psychological needs

  • humiliation
  • pain
  • verbal abuse
  • control
  • embarrassment
  • mind play

Outfit

  • sensual wear
  • fetish attire
  • costumes
  • undressed
  • erotic jewelry

other preferences

  • Sex toys
  • Vibrators, dildos, anal toys

BDSM toys:

  • Bondage(cuffs, rope, spreader bars, suspension devices, harness etc)
  • Sensory deprivation (gags, blindfolders, hoods, masks)
  • Discipline devices (paddles, floggers, nipple clamps, cock rings, chastity devices)

Sexual preferences

  • anal sex (including rimming, anilingus)
  • Fisting

masturbation

  • oral sex
  • no sexual intercourse
  • kissing

Health concerns

  • allergies
  • STD’s
  • contraception
  • general health problems
  • medications taken
  • medical aids

safety measures

  • Time, date and place where the scene will be held
  • Limits
  • Physical limits
  • Psychological limits

Marks

  • Acceptable
  • unacceptable

Safe words

  • Safe words for slowing down
  • Safe words to stop the game

* Non-verbal signs

Experience

  • For top
  • For bottom

Materials leather metal tape rope etc

Type of play: Bondage:

  • Bondage positions(standing, lying, suspended, kneeling, etc)
  • Parts of the body restrained (ankles, hands, knees, elbows)
  • Level of immovability
  • Discipline (spanking, flogging, hot wax play, pain play, cock and ball torture etc)
  • Sensory deprivation (gagging, blindfolding, ear plugging, mummification)
  • Knife play
  • Blood play
  • Fire play
  • Hot wax play
  • Role-playing etc.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Further reading:
D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?
Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.
Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract
Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.
BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship
Safewords – Do you know your safe word with your Mistress/submissive?
SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.
Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.
Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

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safeword

A safeword is a codeword or series of codewords that are sometimes used in Femdom/BDSM to mean that a submissive (or ‘bottom’) is reaching a physical, emotional or moral boundary or for the dominant (or ‘top’) to stop the scene play. Safewords are agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants. Many organized Femdom groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.

Forms of Safeword in Femdom

In BDSM, the safeword is generally used so that the ‘bottom’ can scream “no, stop”, etc. as much as he wants without really meaning it, and still have a way of indicating a serious desire that the scene stops. Accordingly, a safeword is usually a word that the person would not ordinarily say during sex, such as red light, big tree, scrambled eggs, or even aardvark. Commonly the word safeword itself is used as a safeword. It is the default at many play parties. With the range of safewords in common use it is important that the safeword be negotiated beforehand.

Green, Yellow and Red

Some partners have different gradations of safeword, such as green to mean “ok” or even “harder” or “more,” yellow to mean “slow down” or “stop doing that” without stopping the scene, and red to mean “let’s stop the scene”.

On Request

Another way to use safe words is for a ‘top’ to ask the ‘bottom’ “What is your color?” – So in addition to red and yellow, green is a common safe word used to indicate, “I’m fine” or even “push harder.”

Non-Verbal

In other circumstances the safeword may not be a “word” at all, which is very useful when the submissive is bound and gagged. In these instances a signal such as dropping a bell or a ball, the snapping of fingers, or making three clear and rhythmic grunts or some other specific vigorous movement works as a pre-defined signal to stop or otherwise slow down the scene. There is also a convention of tops to put a finger in the ‘bottom’ ‘s hand as a sort of ‘check in’ when the ‘bottom’ has become non-verbal, such as may happen as they reach subspace. In this scenario the ‘bottom’ squeezes the ‘top’s finger to indicate OK.

Dropping Roleplay

In the case of sexual role-play, some simply drop out of character to safeword, such as having the submissive address the dominant by her first name.

Who Can Use asafe word?

It is a common misconception that safeword is only for the bottom’s physical and emotional safety. It is in fact important that it can be used by all participants in a scene: bottoms, tops, dungeon masters at play parties and even at times observers.

For example a common practices in BDSM involves a bottom misbehaving intentionally to indicate the desire for harsher treatment. Sometimes a top will need to safeword the scene to let them know they have gone too far for them.

Third parties observing the scene may have the ability to spot something dangerous going on that both the top and bottom have missed, and need to stop the scene to point it out.

No-Fault

Probably the most common reason that bottoms and submissives hesitate to safeword is fear of disappointing the top. This can cause a scene to go on where it should have stopped, causing some form of harm to its participants. As such it is considered important in many parts of the BDSM community that the use of safeword remain no-fault so that participants feel as safe as possible using it. Reassuring the party that safeworded is a common practice for this reason as well. Discouraging the use of safeword runs the risk of future scenes becoming non-consensual and harming the bottom’s trust.

Play without Safeword

While many in the Femdom community consider safewords an essential part of safe play, there is a significant contingent that does not have any such term in their relationships or their play. Some of these people simply use the word Stop, but this is risky because it may be misinterpreted as role-playing.

Others rely on the ‘top’ to monitor the condition of the ‘bottom’ and stop if necessary, at their discretion. In such circumstances the ‘bottom’ or submissive must have consented not to have control over the duration of the scene in advance.

Interestingly, some of those who recommend safewords do not themselves use them – though this is not often discussed in public. There is an undercurrent assumption that play without safewords is an “advanced” technique and should not be advocated in the hearing of novices. BDSM activity without a safeword is regarded by many as inadvisable and dangerous. Ignoring safewords is considered dishonorable and a deeply immoral practice in the BDSM community.

Discouraging the use of safeword runs the risk of future scenes becoming non-consensual and harming the bottom’s trust.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Further reading:

Nonverbal Ways to Safewords Within a Femdom Scene : Within the dynamics of a femdom scene, communication is paramount to ensure the safety and comfort of all participants. While vocal safewords are commonly used to indicate a need to pause or stop the play, there are scenarios where verbal communication may not be feasible. In such instances, the implementation of nonverbal safewords becomes crucial.

Navigating the Aftermath of Using Your Safeword: A Guide to Emotional and Physical Recovery


D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?


Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.


Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract


Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.


BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship


SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink


Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?


Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.


Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.


Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

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