Tag: online Femdom

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Civility and Incivility in the Scene:

Table of Contents

lingerie clad women endending her middle finger

One of the most grave and inexplicable problems facing our community in general is the continued presence of downright rudeness. It takes many forms: gossip, arrogance, slander, ingratitude, interpersonal cruelty, Rumor-mongering, the propensity to snub, shun or belittle, a refined Sensitivity to slight paired with strident disregard for how ones actions And words effect others. It is astonishing, and terribly sad, how poorly we Get along from the viewpoint of interpersonal relationships. Why a community like ours, whose members strive for a mature outlook on power, consent and tolerance should feud with such violence and monotonous regularity is a true mystery.

In our community, we see behavior one would never dream grown adults could stoop to. We have seen SM groups who ought to get along fine, bicker endlessly and mindlessly. We have seen “leaders” whose mission appears to be the personal demolition of others whose contributions to the community might challenge their own. We know good people who have left the scene because of the cattiness, clique-mentality, and deliberate un consenting meanness. This propensity, often called “Tops disease”, is by no means limited to dominants. It is nationwide in scope affecting virtually every group we have visited in our travels.

It isn’t hard to imagine a universe where this kind of behavior never occurred at all. Aggression, power and consent, to say nothing of etiquette, are concepts SM folk deal with all the time. The BDSM community has made great strides in developing and documenting a wide variety of safe SM practices, protocols and standards for negotiation and play. Yet, strangely, the bickering, bitchiness and backstabbing goes on unabated. The last two Black Rose election cycles, have produced virtual demolition derbies of friendships over seemingly trivial issues. TES went through a similar bloodbath several years ago, in the wake of their 25th anniversary celebration. And many small groups have closed, not because of legal persecution, fiscal mismanagement or lack of membership, but due to jealously, power struggles, and malicious gossip. The wounds inflicted by incivility exceed any damage perfumed in consensual dungeon play and the emotional scarring that uncivil behavior leaves on its victims lasts longer than any bruise. You might guess that the worst of this behavior comes from scene novices but you would be wrong. Beginners, usually eager to fit in and make friends, typically deport themselves well. The worst of this behavior comes from people who have been in the scene for years. People with experience, with play partners, with contacts, are often the most judgmental,least generous, most easily-offended, readiest to slander others. It is strange,but over and over we have seen seemingly friendly newcomers arrive in the scene, become avid pupils of our craft, grow into competent players, then unexpectedly mutate into arrogance, self-importance and interpersonal ruthlessness. Many leave the community in bitterness, anger or disgrace. The civility question may play a role in the scene’s curious lack of people of color, who understand discrimination and hostility when they see it, and feel unwelcome. It hurts our leather brethren, demolishes friendships, breaks the spirit of our volunteers, cripples social groups, invites retaliation, and weakens our claim that SM is practiced by emotionally healthy, well-adjusted people. Why are we doing this? What can we do to stop it?

THE SCOPE OF THE PROBLEM: WHAT IS INCIVILITY?

We will go straight to examples. By no means exhaustive, here are some categories of incivility we encounter in the scene. The Empathy Gap: This is subtle, but actually lies behind much uncivil behavior. Not so much the presence of hatred or dislike, but an absence of empathy and kindness towards other members of our SM community. In a better world, we would all actively welcome strangers, extend cordiality, start up conversations, feel a little compassion towards others like ourselves. But, more often than not, people feel nothing in particular towards people they meet in the scene. This “inner nothingness” sets the stage for much of the uncivil behavior we find in the scene.

  • Gossip: We all do it, and yes it can be loads of fun catching up on all the latest. Plus, gossip serves a valuable purpose when inquiring about someone you may be interested in playing with. by scene standards, it is not uncivil to conduct good faith peer review while inquiring about someone’s play style, experience, and reputation. But gossip conducted with the intent to harm, or passing along dubious or inflammatory rumors is behavior that hurts the scene. In gossip, as with other things, there must be some sense of proportion. Gossip can also violate the confidentiality of individuals, possibly subjecting them to dangerous and unnecessary risk. Both truth and privacy are cardinal principals in the scene, and reckless gossip damages both.
  • Clique Politics: To have a circle of friends is a good thing, but not when the goal is circling the wagons to shut out people who “don’t fit in” In the same way that benign sharing of information can be amplified into vicious, destructive gossip, maintaining cliques whose purpose it is to weaken and ostracize others, hurts the community as well as the individuals excluded. Ultimately, clique players make so many enemies that they themselves are resented or unwelcome.
  • Sweet and Sour: A clique politics tactic: Some people make extravagant show of how close and loving they are to their circle of friends, hugs, smiles, introductions glowing compliments, in part too maximize the sting inflicted against perceived outsiders, who are refused even the time of day. A stock move among catty sorority girls during rush week, (the Amish call this shunning) it’s embarrassing to see how many grown men and women use “sweet and sour” to isolate and hurt individuals whose feelings and esteem they regard as unimportant. This truly nasty habit creates “us and them” fissures, that fragment the community, hurt feelings and invite retaliation.
  • Chicken Hawk Syndrome: With a constant influx of SM beginners, some attempt to acquire play partners under the guise of “mentoring”. Chicken hawk syndrome includes strong come-ons, boastful presentation of ones own experience and skill, sometimes in trashing other people, sometimes attempting to isolate new people from the presence or influence of others, all in the name of “education”, or at least active attempts to recruit them into their clique of preference. While there is nothing wrong with expressing interest in someone (new to the community or not) it is dishonest to couch your interest in terms of education. For new people we advise you to take your time in choosing exclusive mentors if you feel the need to do that at all, and ideally to form relationships with a circle of friends and not to rely on just one point of view.
  • SM Psychodrama: High volume yelling matches, absurd conspiracy mongering, unbridled venom towards community peers…Does any of this sound familiar? Here’s a test: If such behavior would get you fired from a professional workplace, please leave it at home. Failure to separate role from reality: We are an imaginative bunch (witness the number of science fiction fans, and Ren-fair enthusiasts in our midst) and this is both good and bad. Some take the view that the scene is a place their fantasy become reality, raising the specter of unrealistic expectations which can infringe on safety, consent even sanity. Someone who prides herself on being an unreasonable, demanding bitch in scene should always watch to draw a line between what is appropriate in scene and into daily life, even if they consider themselves “lifestyle”.
  • The Dom=Dickhead syndrome: While some dominants are true artists cultivating a gourmet’s appreciation of pleasure, pain and power, others are mere peevish control queens, itchy for a chance to criticize, get belligerent, boss others around. Still others, new to the community (but not to gorean novels) make the classic error of equating their sexual dominance with an overbearing, overreaching manner dominated by virtue of their presence at a SM event. Regardless of how dominant you are within your consenting relationships (and more power to ya!), you can no more “assume” consent in your interactions with others, than you can in an SM scene. Dominants who assume its okay to boss others around, and demand subservient treatment, demanded rudely, are making the classic newbie error of assuming its okay to touch or grab others bodies without asking.
  • The Realness Police: In which everyone assumes that your SM should closely resemble theirs. Scoffing at scenes for being too mild, too heavy or too.whatever. One particularly odious habit is the loudly proclaimed belief in those great SM unicorns the “true dom” (“ true doms never bottom … being a true dom means never having to say your sorry, etc.”) or “true submissive” (“If you were a TRUE submissive you would do X for me, let me do Y to you, take it in stride while I waltz off and do Z.”)
  • The Imperial-Imperious confusion: Some scenefolk, in an effort to appear imperial (kingly, of high standard, worthy of respect) conduct themselves in a manner that is imperious (overbearing, bossy, judgmental). A surprising number of scene-folk begin this confusion after a few years in the community, as they assume leadership positions, or when they decide that it is time they were recognized as authorities, if not superiors. While many feel that imperious behavior demonstrates expertise, importance and intelligence, in truth it almost never fails to alienate potential friends and play partners and make the offender look bad. While pecking order tactics like these are fine for beings with the intelligence and spiritual depth of sparrows and chickens, in humans they are shallow, unkind and run counter to the spirit of “safe sane and consensual.” Furthermore, people will not continue to support and tolerate people who treat them badly. Even so, unwise bystanders, occasionally reward this kind of boorishness with attention and respect, making our collective problem worse. New people see this behavior in community leaders and players of high prominence and emulate it, believing it to be proper, accepted or connoting high status.
  • Expert-itus:(a variant of the previous point) the state of confusing ones own expertise with the ability to pick nits, and find faults in other people’s play, demeanor, protocol, motives. While sharing scene knowledge is generally a good thing, it can be, and often is, overdone. Go easy on the free advice.

WHY DO WE DO IT?

In fairness, we don’t want to suggest that leatherfolk are inherently rude people. The scene, as wonderful as it can be, contains many subtle and seldom discussed “stress factors” that contribute to uncivil behavior. Like water over a stone, these stress factors wear on the nerves year after year, thus setting the stage for impatience, irritation, depression and the empathy deficit we have already discussed.

The scene is a small world, and quarters are close, closer than we might like sometimes. Because BDSM is an interest that selects at random, we often find ourselves spending a lot of time with people we might not otherwise choose as friends. The scene is an intensely intimate place, we express our inner fantasies and fears, sometimes share partners, see each other nude, watch each other cum…Is it any wonder people are sensitive about how we are treated by others?

Because these practices are incredibly diverse, we find themselves in the occasional presence of activities that make us uncomfortable. The scene is a strange place and it takes a while to adjust. (And some things you may never get used to.)

The pressures of closeting: The pressure of maintaining a secret life, of hiding your leather life from friends, colleagues, and family adds a constant overlay of tension to daily life. Scene folk have to manage the presence of fetish contraband including toys, clothes, literature and erotica whose discovery might be catastrophic. The risk, real or perceived, can encompass loss of employment, of friends, of family, even custody of ones’ kids.

Jealousy, loneliness and competition for partners are facts of life. People without play partners may become unhappy or angry. People seen as getting more than their share can trigger insecurity and resentment. Even people with partners may see threats around every corner.

The scene, like any fringe group, attracts its share of eccentrics and outcasts, some fascinating and agreeable, others less so. Newcomer na?vet?: New people unacquainted to the scene’s protocols occasionally touch, grab or conduct themselves in an inappropriate manner. Although individuals typically learn to deport themselves over time, the constant influx of newcomers means newcomer naivete is a constant, grating issue.

The realities of the party circuit: It is a hard fact of scene life is that most parties are private and their invite lists finite. For every guest invited there are twenty left outside. The guest list is dictated by what the hosts can afford, their circle of friendships, the size of their home and many other factors. But it still stings to hear about a party without getting an invite. And it happens all the time. EMAIL (the medium of choice for many SM participants) : Without a friendly face or modulations of human speech, text encounters can be easily misstated/misunders tool. Couple that with the sometimes blunt writing style of emailers everywhere, the added gravity of the written word and the ease of escalating a private remark into public rebuke with a misplaced keystroke, and you’ve got the makings for an online food fight.

SOME THOUGHTS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO TO FIX IT

One of the more sobering aspects of the list above, is that there really are no easy solutions to any of these problems. The scene is small, people are sensitive, invite lists are short, and we really do have some truly eccentric people who will continue to behave eccentrically. But there is room for hope. We do a good job of establishing, and enforcing, play standards to make SM safe and hot. We are improving all the time as educators of play practices. But, interpersonal conduct outside of the SM encounter itself, has not been made a priority and its probably time it should be. We must recognize civility (defined in part by the examples in this report) as a threat to the health of our community, and commit ourselves as individuals, to improving our own behavior first.

We must extend civility, decency, care and concern beyond our personal circle to members of the community at large. This doesn’t mean we have to be everyone’s bosom bud, but that concern for others is a priority instead of the non-issue it is for many at present. We are not talking about sainthood or communism here. The goal is not to stand around a campfire in a ring, holding hands singing Kumbaya. But if we all improve our behavior, and extend our compassion by ten percent, we will be living in a completely transformed universe.

Secondly, through mentoring and our education programs, we must elevate civility as a requirement for our leaders and citizens. While scene etiquette (a subset of civility), is an SM staple, it deals mainly with deportment, protocols and standards of interaction, and doesn’t address the deeper issues of cultivating compassion, tolerance and awareness, towards our SM brethren. These are tougher ethics-driven issues often without simple answers. And, though vocal, it is a minority of scene-folk who do the worst of this callous behavior. Most want a scene that is friendly and supportive. Many are willing to work to make it so (hopefully you too if you’ve read this far). And though the gossips, scolds and assholes among us often succeed in hurting their intended targets (and incidentally, our community), their greatest causalities are ultimately their own reputations. Remember that we are all brothers and sisters in a community no matter how diverse. If we behave like we care about and support one other, we will all find ourselves, by definition, in an environment that is more caring and supportive. Improved civility should presented as causal to the following desirable conditions: stability of friendships; respect of peers; trust of potential play partners (civility means stability); strengthens ones personal network of contacts; supports the position that SM is practiced by sane, well adjusted people; elevates fairness and justice (which are eternal) as the coin of the realm as opposed to popularity and bureaucratic clout (which are fleeting and can vanish at any moment); strengthens the community and makes it healthier; raises the comfort quotient for newcomers.

A PROPOSED APPROACH: EXTEND SSC INTO INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Strive as individuals and organizations to extend “safe, sane, and consensual” into the arena of interpersonal conduct. So lets turn the laser beam of SSC onto our civility concerns and see what it tells us: Uncivil behavior is nonconsensual: Unless assured, otherwise good manners and general kindness should be the coin of the realm. To do less is to engage someone without their consent. Doms should restrict their dominance to those who have consented to it. Submissives who pester others with unsolicited subservience are likewise in violation. And nonconsensual dominance in the name of “mentoring” doesn’t wash either. Gossips and scolds should likewise consider their behavior in terms of consent. Subjecting someone to a tongue lashing or a gossip campaign is really no better than drawing out a flogger and hammering away at them without warning. Uncivil behavior is not safe: Cruel, thoughtless behavior can damage hurt people, deeply, for as long time, and that cannot be called safe. In the same way that humiliation can be more damaging than physical pain, the emotional harm inflicted from incivility may far exceed what you intend. Unsolicited advice can come across as cutting, and judgmental. Incivility also sets a diminished community standard for others to follow, making incivility more acceptable and social environment suffers often scaring mature decent people away, and can in time bring a group to its knees. Small acts of rudeness, or disregard, even if only perceived as such can balloon up into clique wars.

And if the well being of your intended victim means nothing to you, consider this: If you make trouble for people, chances are it will come back to haunt you later on. People have a way of reciprocating behavior. Be nice and people will be nice back. Be a jackass and that’s how others will see AND speak of you. This is a small world and if you screw someone, you are handing them a motive to get you back later. Even if you are queen of the in-clique at present, no one controls the future and, over time, the leather gods have a way of evening things out. The community is close, memory is long, and paybacks are a bitch. For this reason alone, uncivil behavior is unsafe to you.

Uncivil behavior is not even all that sane: For years many of us felt we were solitary freaks before finding this community. To reinforce feelings of rejection in our brothers and sisters by deliberately withholding human decency, or subjecting them to deliberate hardship, is just not defensible. People who find themselves helpless to resist clashing with or inflicting imperious behavior on their scene fellows, would do well to begin some serious soul searching and perhaps seeking out the help they need. A lot of uncivil behavior is retaliatory. Someone does something that hurts or offends you prompting an aggressive response. Unfortunately this may be exactly how it looks to the person you just dissed. If you find that your actions and behavior are building up to a feud, it is a great idea to apologize for your part in the situation and disengage from the conflict. Furthermore, the long term gains from uncivil behavior are so meager, and the costs so high that it really does not pay for people who hope to stay in the community for some time. (Even if they win a short term victory.)

APHORISMS

Taking care of your community. Take care of its members. Agree to disagree. you don’t have to dis just because you dislike. Civility demonstrates stability. Piss off a bigot; be nice to a leather person. Imperious does not mean imperial. SSC is always in effect, whether or not a scene is in progress. Resist the urge to reward slanderous gossip with your attention and involvement -it’s not consensual, and not safe, even it’s sanity is questionable. Tithe: give ten percent more in kindness appreciation gratitude, forgiveness. Never assume Safety. Never assume Consent. SM does not stand for Super Man – nobody is perfect and everyone makes Mistakes. Be willing to concede the point if you have been uncivil. Being willing to fess up, and apologize, makes you stronger, not weaker. Always try to be the voice of sanity and reason. Incivility is uncivil, whatever the excuse. Try to maintain perspective. Maintain a healthy sense of humor. True wealth is the ability to give kindness. Never forget your pleasure. Acceptance is voluntary, tolerance is mandatory

Article By Chris M [Black Rose of Washington DC] and Lady Medora [New Orleans Power Exchange] (The authors hope that everyone and anyone will send this through any boards you belong to including the authors names).

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New Partners

Before Playing With Someone New

SIX THINKING POINTS BEFORE PLAYING WITH SOMEONE NEW

Table of Contents

1. ASK YOURSELF,WHO IS THIS PERSON I AM ABOUT TO PLAY WITH?…SHOULD I BE DOING THIS?

Remember what your Mother and Father told you about talking to strangers when we were a kids? Now let’s talk about doing Femdom with them.

The simplest and most basic question of ANY relationship-weather it is Femdom or vanilla is one which most newbie’s never even bother to ask, or question. Many people automatically assume that if they are attending a well-known club or a party organized by a reputable and well known group, all the people they’ll meet are trustworthy. BAD ASSUMPTION, and very stupid.

The greatest disasters in Femdom / BDSM without doubt occur when the people involved don’t have a very clear knowledge of who the other person is, what that person’s history has been in the world of SM or Femdom, does that person have real time experience, and whether that person is, in all respects, a trustworthy, decent human being. I recently heard from a submissive who optimistically joined an Femdom munch group hoping to make some friend, or make some contacts as the night evolved he found himself a ‘Mistress’ who happened to invite him home there, and then. What ensued was a weekend of non consensual torture in the guise of Femdom on the part of predatory sadists. This was woman who had represented herself as serious, respected Domina

The abused submissive naively assumed that if she belonged to this group, and was known by the group, she was therefore trustworthy. He was wrong. She was there to exploit the Scene–and naive newcomers, to act out her violent impulses. Although her behaviour at the group’s events was quite respectable, once he was alone with her, she displayed a dangerous side. It is an unfortunate fact that as the Scene expands astronomically, more and more people will join our clubs and attend our parties who are positively clueless about conducting their SM relationships in a safe and consensual manner.. If you’re a Domina looking for a partner how many more horror stories do need…just watch the news for a week and let the realization hit..one of those stories of blind dates gone wrong, could be about you next.

grayscale photo of rope tied on a leg

PLEASE REMEMBER:

SM and abuse, in a Femdom relationship, are no more related than intercourse and rape. The only difference between a Domme who forces you to do things that upset and terrify you and a criminal is that no one’s called the police (yet) on the dominant. Responsible people in the Scene deplore all instances of non-consensual force.

2. HOW DO I KNOW WHO TO TRUST?

After a number of years in the Femdom Scene, I’ve come to the personal realization that there is simply NO substitute for the tried and true method for ALL romantic relationships. You MUST take the time to get to know the person. If you think you know someone well enough to put your full trust in him or her after a week or two, or after a hot email exchange, you are kidding yourself. Really you know nothing of this person, free email accounts are a dime a dozen on the internet. The internet gives you a two 2D flat view of a persons true self .This view is in controlled allotments of time, with a delete and edit button. Real life doesn’t have those options. Pain or emotional pain, even your life, do not have these option either. One of my on line Domme friends from here at CNC recently spent 2 years to find out her ‘single’ submissive was in fact married. That two year period of care can never be regained.

If you’re looking for a long-term or permanent relationship, what I personally recommend (and implement in my own life) is something I call “D&S Dating.” This is not unlike regular dating, in that you spend time doing real-world things together–going to movies, having dinner together, visiting museums, or any other normal, social activity as a couple (or threesome or foursome, or whatever it is you’re setting up). The main difference between D&S Dating and regular dating is that instead of having vanilla sex you do SM. As often as possible. :-)

Personally, I give myself about 3-4 months of D&S Dating before making a commitment to a long-term relationship. I tell a prospective submissive that during the dating stage, he is still free to experiment with other people. He doesn’t wear my collar and I don’t require him to call me Mistress when we’re out in public. I still make most decisions (about where we go and what we do and so on) but it’s in a natural context. In other words: he sees me in my street clothes and gets to know me as a complete human being, not just a mysterious creature who exists only to fulfill his card board cut out fantasies. This period of time gives me and my potential partner the opportunity to see one another in a wide variety of circumstances. If in the course of dating, I discover that, for example, he tends to lie or fudge the truth about things; that he is generally irresponsible and directionless; that he plays games or blows hot and cold a lot; or any other characteristics which I know will ultimately make him an incompatible partner for me, then the dating ends, and I am not locked into any commitments. It may seem slow, but the rewards are that by the time I AM ready to make a commitment to being someone’s permanent Mistress, I really know this person. I know how he reacts to situations, I have a sense of his hot-buttons and triggers, I know the way his mind works and thinks, and–naturally–I have grown quite fond of him.

The benefits this brings to my ability to control and dominate a submissive simply cannot be measured. The submissive, meanwhile, has a very firm foundation for placing his trust in me. While I’ve observed his behavior, he’s observed mine. If he is reassured that I am powerful in my daily life, that I exert control in the real world, and that I am comfortable giving commands in a variety of situations, his faith in my dominance is secured.

If he is a submissive who is only looking for a bedroom play-partner, or someone who wears fetish clothes 24 hours a day, he will quickly learn that I am not the right Mistress for him. Of course, if all you’re looking for are play partners, and not long-term relationships, the “D&S Dating” rule doesn’t apply. But I still strongly recommend that you do everything you can to find out about who you’re playing with.

3. THAT’S SO DAMN COMPLICATED! CAN’T I EVER PLAY WITH STRANGERS IS THAT CAUTION ALWAYS NECESSARY?

Sure. That’s what safe words were created for ( to limit the risk of unintentional harm when playing with strangers) The real question is not whether you can or cannot play with strangers–the question is whether YOU are able to make a sane choice for yourself about how much trust you will give up to someone you don’t know very well at all. You must be very careful not to give trust up too freely, particularly if you are the romantic, impulsive type who is likely to become smitten overnight and liable to say almost anything when your sex organ is primed for action (and this is one of those equal-opportunity deals: pussies and cocks are equally susceptible to taking over all thinking functions for the main organism).

Let’s put it another way: if a stockbroker came up you to at a gathering and said he had a brilliant deal going that could triple your investment in two weeks, would you go to your bank that night and turn over your life savings to him? I hope not. More likely, if you didn’t brush him off entirely, you might ask him to send you a brochure or set up an appointment to meet at his office to discuss it further. If you were a big risk-taker, you might even agree to investing a little money just for the gamble. In any case, you wouldn’t turn your life-savings over to a guy you just met. You’d want some proof of his reliability and credibility. You’d limit your risk, and take certain safety precautions to protect yourself in case it was a scam. So why do so many submissives and Dominants meet someone in a munch, play party or club setting (or on-line) who announces themselves to be the yin to their SM yang and then suddenly make a complete physical and emotional investment in the relationship?Desperation….I understand the eagerness to have experience. For some people, the urge to do something Femdom or SM is indeed overwhelming, particularly if you’ve been bottling it up for a long time. But the plain fact is that: THERE ARE NO SHORTCUTS IN FEMDOM

If you want a quality relationship, you must invest the time and make a commitment to YOURSELF not to settle nor to jump at any and every opportunity that comes along. Not all opportunities are equal. Some will lead to significant emotional pain or worse physical pain of the not nice variety

4. DOES THIS MEAN I SHOULD NEVER PLAY WITH PEOPLE I JUST MET?

Look, you’re an adult, and over the legal consenting age, or you wouldn’t even be considering treading this path. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting to your heart’s content. Life is for living and if you are a sadomasochist, you owe it to yourself to accept and embrace your innate sexuality. Which means you’re going to be perverted and slutty and, with luck, you’ll have a lot of fun with it. What I’m saying here is that you should be cautious and protect your own best interests until you have very good reasons (such as repeated, positive experiences with the person) to give up (or assume) complete control.

5. SO HOW DO I PROTECT MYSELF UNTIL I REALLY KNOW SOMEONE WELL?

Simple: you limit your risk. You do NOT give open consent to people you don’t know for a significant amount of time (my basic rule of thumb would be three months). Meanwhile, although the network isn’t as reliable as it once was, if you met this person at an SM party, club, group meeting, or any other SM venue (including on-line chat environments), you should be able to find at least one and possibly more people who know this person. Ask them for feedback. There is nothing rude or disrespectful about asking people whether they know another player or have ever seen them in action. If the person you want to play with (or are already playing with, if it’s a brand new relationship) expresses anger, fear, resentment or any other negative emotions about you talking to others, then you have your first warning that something is fishy. If your potential partner says any of the following, RUN!!! run as fast as you can to the nearest available exit…screaming as you do so!!!.

  • ‘I don’t want you to talk to anyone else about me’
  • ‘You have no right to ask other people about me’
  • ‘If I find out that you talked to others about me I’ll never have anything to do with you again
  • ‘You should only trust what I tell you and not listen to anyone else’
  • ‘Yes, what they told you was true, but I am a different person now’
  • ‘Everything people have told you about me is a lie.’
  • You may also be interested in reading link to warning signsand dating red flags here on site.

I’ve been in the Scene for a long time, although a lot of people have seen me play, and although I am well-known as the owner of this site, I still would not take offense if anyone who wanted to casual play with me asked others for references about my trustworthiness, or skill level. In SM, a person’s first responsibility is to his or her own health and well-being. I EXPECT new partners to be cautious and encourage them to make their decisions independently and without pressure from me.

6. BUT WON’T MY SAFE WORD PROTECT ME?

Not necessarily. In the abuse situation mentioned in Question 1, the submissive was given a safe word. But he was also told that if he used his safe word, he would be banished from online world and made to look a fool for not being able to handle it and would never have any contact with the woman involved again. Now, from a distance, you might think that any submissive who is threatened in this way would have the sense to walk away at that point. IN REALITY, however, I’ve seldom known a submissive who COULD walk away from such a threat, a treat and experience he may have been craving all his adult life. Quite simply, a submissive is a submissive is a submissive: this is a person who is, by nature, vulnerable and who desires to please; he or she may already feel a kind of bond to the Dominant, or may be so hungry to live out his/her fantasies, or so inexperienced that s/he thinks “the Domina always knows best” that s/he would rather suffer a little more than risk losing the relationship or disappointing the Domme. The most wonderful and endearing characteristics of a submissive (the desire to serve and please) are precisely the ones which abusers prey on.

Last but not least, for the sake of dominants who too have gotten burned: please remember that not all submissives are trustworthy or genuine either. There are plenty of “do-me” submissives out there (game-players and people who are not seeking a sincere SM or Femdom dynamic, but merely someone to get them off in the moment and in the way they want to get off). There are newbie’s who don’t have a clue about when and how to use safe words. (My advice: spend the time to make SURE they understand, so you save yourself grief and bitter feelings later on.) Meanwhile, some experienced subs may use safe words to control or manipulate you, rather than to indicate when they’ve reached a genuine limit. One of the more troubling situations is when a submissive doesn’t use a safe word when s/he should. This leads the dominant to believe that everything was ‘ockie dokie‘–only to discover, hours, days, or months later that the submissive felt you’d gone much too far. Why won’t subs use safe words as we intended them to be used? Occasionally it’s an overwhelming desire on the part of subs for dominants to be psychic mind-readers. Sometimes it’s sheer naiveté; other times it’s stubborn pride. Some subs set out to prove to themselves that they can take anything the dominant gives, even if they’re unhappy about it. This is a dangerous attitude for all involved. Dommes and subbies alike should protect themselves by never letting a safe word lull you into a sense of smugness. They are a tool to safer play, but they are not a written guarantee of it.

Remember: Safe Sane and consensual ! And don’t let your genitals do the talking when your health and life is at stake.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © February 2009

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BDSM Breakups

BDSM / Femdom Break-Up

finger s making a heart

Break-ups are always hard, but when your Femdom relationship comes to an end, and turns bad it can be even harder going. The Mistress and slave dynamic comes with such a level of trust that when one side violates that, either by deception, cheating or by deciding they no longer want the relationship, it can leave the other person reeling. Often times the reaction to that initial pain will only make things worse.

Right after the break-up there may be a desire to continue the D/s relationship. It is possible to have a good Mistress/slave relationship without having a romantic association but once the romantic element has been introduced into things it is hard to divide. It isn’t like oil and water that will eventually settle apart. It’s more like a cake, where you can’t just pull out the individual ingredients. The constant reminder of what ‘used to be’ makes it impossible to heal. Even worse, the positive feelings you used to have for each other will be replaced by anger, bitterness and resentment. I have seen a few of these relationships succeed after both parties have been on their own long enough to erase any romantic feelings towards the other person. If you have any hope of rekindling the romance through the BDSM relationship it will only end in heartache. And that is a pain that has no pleasure.

If you were the Domme in the relationship you may feel unusually powerless as you question if you did something wrong that led to this. These feelings are typical at the end of any relationship but since a Mistress is expected to know and understand her slave’s needs as well as her own there is that extra level of doubt. Slaves on the receiving end of a break up might wonder if they somehow did something wrong to cause this to happen. Having given complete control of their body and soul over to this person makes the rejection even sharper. There is no quick fix or magic potion for these emotions. Only time and patience will help you accept what happened. Keep in mind that sometimes you can do everything right and things still don’t work out. In most relationships there is no bad guy to take the blame.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is jumping right into a new BDSM relationship after one ends. While this may temporarily take your mind off of the feelings associated with the previous relationship they will end up coming back feeling even worse then before. It isn’t fair to begin a Dominant/slave relationship if you are not fully focused on the other party. If you are coming in with baggage you will not be able to really meet the needs of the other person, you will just be using them to try and stop your own pain.

Finally, no matter how angry you get at the other person you can not violate the privacy of your relationship. BDSM is still not fully accepted in society and by “outing” your ex as a part of the lifestyle you will lose all credibility for any future relationships. Not to mention that they probably have information about you that you would rather not have out there. If you are unable to talk calmly to your ex then bring in a neutral third party to help mediate the division of your BDSM property, including any pictures, toys, and gear. In general it is best to just destroy the videos and pictures to prevent them from leaking out in the future. How you divide the other things is up to you two, but in my experience it can be best to get rid of all of it can start fresh. You don’t want a bad memory to come back at an inopportune time in the future.

When a relationship ends it is always hard but the specific issues involved in Femdom relationships mean that you may not have anyone to talk to about it. If you are not a part of a larger BDSM community this may be a good time to join one. They are not only good for meeting new people but for discussing your feelings with others who have been there.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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Dating Site Terminology

Terms You Should Know On Adult Dating Websites

Personal ads can get a little confusing when you are first starting out. I know I have often had a small laugh at myself trying to figure them out from time to time. This list is by no means all inclusive, but it should give you a starting point in trying to figure them out. (please note to make for interesting reading some answers are given in a light hearted manner)

A- of Asian ancestry.

AL- Animal Lover (watch this term, the meaning could mean bestiality or they just like animals)

AT- All That

Attached – This person is in some sort of committed relationship and may or may not have their significant other’s consent to go outside the relationship for sex. While a sexual encounter under such circumstances may be exciting, I advise extreme caution if you are considering a hook up with an attached individual – unless you happen to be bullet-proof and don’t own any property for someone to vandalize, in which case, no worries!

B– off Black origin or decent

BBW – Big Beautiful Woman. This is a woman with a large frame and usually is overweight. Not to be confused with a BMW, which is a make of automobile sometimes purchased by men in the hope that it will get them laid.

BD-Bondage/Domination

BHM– Big Handsome Man

Bi – Short for bisexual, or someone who is sexually attracted to people of both genders – which explains why the guy who is letting you bang his wife suddenly has his penis in your butt.

BJ – Short for Blow Job. A common offer you’ll get from gay men in response to your ad seeking women. Just keep your eyes closed and you’ll never know the difference – except for maybe the brush of razor stubble and the deep voice!

Bondage – Alternative sexual practice in which someone is tied or chained up as part of the sex play, not to be confused with bandage – a first aid implement for use when sexual activities get out of control. If your partner happens to have a British accent, it’s a good idea to clarify what she’s asking for. In a pinch, a length of bandage could be used for bondage.

C-Couple-(could also mean: Cute, Christian)

Couple Seeks Male For Her Pleasure – She gets pleasure from watching her husband perform anal sex on you.

D– Divorced

Daytime Fun – Refers to the desire for daytime sexual encounters, usually between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 5:00 P.M. on weekdays. Also see definition for “Attached”.

D/D Free– Drug and Disease Free

DDF – Disease and Drug Free. This is someone who does not use drugs and who at least THINKS she does not have any sexually transmitted diseases (I recommend that you use a condom anyway)

Discrete / Discretion – Refers to the need to not be caught doing whatever one is doing in order to avoid non-discrete things like shootings and property destruction.

Dom – Short for dominant, or the dominating partner in a domination/submission relationship. Also, an expensive alcoholic beverage sometimes used to try to convince prospective sexual partners that you’re some kind of big shot. Also, the eldest member of the DeLuise family of actors whose naked image when imagined can be used to delay orgasm or eliminate an ill-timed erection.

Domme-Female version of above, and best prefered to not resemible the oldest member of the DeLuise family.

F– Female

FA– Fat Acceptance

FS– Financially Secure (could also mean: Financially Stable)

FTA– Fun Travel Adventure

G-Gay sexual orientation

GSOH– Good Sense of Humor

Herpes – What your sex partner actually said when you’re wondering why they told you they have a hair piece yet her hair seems completely natural.

HWP – Height and Weight Proportionate. To most people, this means they are of “average” proportions and not significantly overweight. In my experience though, for some people, HWP means they are approximately as wide as they are tall.

H-Hispanic origin

I– Indian origin

IPT– Is Partial To

ISO– In Search Of

J– Jewish

K-Kids

LD-Light Drinker

LDR-Long Distance Relationship.

LDS-Latter Day Saints

LS-Legally Separated could also mean: Light Smoker

LD-Long distance

LTLDR-Long term long distance relationship

Married – Refers to a typically sex relationship.

M– Male (could also mean: Married, but this is not common usage and normally only used in swingers-type personals)

MILF – An acronym for Mother I’d Like To Fuck. Often means “single mom looking for a baby-daddy”.

MM– Marriage Minded

NA-Native American

NBM-Never Been Married

ND-Non-Drinker

NK-No Kids (has also been known on some dating sites to also mean NO kink

NM-Not Married (could also mean: Never Married)

NS-Non-Smoker

Oral Sex – Use of the mouth to stimulate the genitals of a sexual partner. Or, in the case of someone who is married, or in an otherwise unfulfilling committed relationship, addressing one’s partner by saying “Fuck you!”.

Professional – May refer to the status of an individual who has an advanced college degree and works in a carreer which requires licensure or special certification. On dating sites in general, it may simply mean that the person is employed – possibly as a convenience store clerk. On adult dating sites, it may mean that the person is employed as a prostitute.

S-Single

Safety Word – A pre-agreed word or phrase used in sado-masochistic sex play to indicate to your partner to stop doing whatever she is doing (in cases where simply saying “Would you mind not butt-raping me with that giant motorized dildo any more? It’s really beginning to hurt!” would be ignored as part of the sex-play). It is a good idea to choose a safety word that both you and your partner can easily remember.

Self-Employed – Unemployed and looking for a man to pay her bills.

Single – Indicates that the person is not married or in a committed relationship, but in the adult dating realm may have the alternate definition meaning “married”.

Shaved – In the adult dating world, usually refers to the removal of hair from the pubic area, but could refer to almost any body part, including the head, so you might want to ask, particularly if you happen to be a person “of color” and you might be talking to a skinhead.

SD– Social Drinker

SI– Similar Interests

SOH– Sense of Humor

Strap-On – An artificial penis or other phallic “tool” typically worn by a female for the purpose of anal or vaginal penetration of a sex partner, not to be confused with Snap-On, a popular line of mechanics’ tools, which in a pinch could be used in a similar manner.

STD – Sexually Transmitted Disease – Be careful not to confuse this with FTD, which is a chain of florists. If you’re not sure which one your partner just said, be sure to ask for clarification.

STOP – A useful word for times when something your sexual partner is doing is painful or freaking you out.

Sub – Short for submissive, or the passive partner in a domination/submission relationship. Also, a type of sandwich, which can be used to satisfy post-sex hunger.

TV/TS/TG – Transvestite / Transsexual / Transgendered. Transvestites are “cross-dressers” – people who dress, behave, and attempt to have the appearance of the opposite gender (and are sometimes remarkably good at doing so). Transsexuals and transgendereds are individuals who were born as one gender and have been (or are in the process of being) surgically and hormonally converted to the physical characteristics of the opposite gender.

OMG – Shorthand for “Oh My God!!!!” – The phrase commonly screamed when one first discovers he’s having sex with a TV/TS/TG because they didn’t read this page.

Viagra – Popular prescription treatment for erectile dysfunction which has the potential side-effect of permanent blindness – but who cares about that as long as you can have sex right?

Water Sports – In the realm of adult dating sites, they ain’t talking about swimming! Water sports refers to activities in which someone is urinated on for the sexual gratification of the pee-er, the pee-ee, or both peeps.

W/-With

W/O-With Out

W-White (can also stand for: Widowed)

WAA-Will Answer All (as in will respond to all contacts/questions about their online personal ad)

Wi-Widowed

WLTM-Would Like To Meet

WTR– Willing to Relocate

X– Extreme (could also mean adult situations OK)

Y-You/Your

YO-Years Old

I hope you have found this guide useful and that you are now well-prepared to survive and prosper in the world of adult dating websites. Good luck!

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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Sell Yourself

Sell Yourself – How To Write An Attractive Online Dating Profile for a Femdom site

UPDATE 2024: Please note our community contains a more in-depth collection of articles and resources in our Free eLearning Program, “Help me, find my Domme“.

Table of Contents

One of the most important tasks in online dating is actually one of the tasks that singles put far too little effort into – writing an online dating profile. Think about it – your online dating profile is your face, it is your announcement into the online dating world that, “Hey! I’m here, pick me!” When you want to be chosen for something, do you sit there in a hum-drum way and just kind of wait to be called on – or were you one of those kids in the back of the class squirming around and stretching their arm higher and higher, making those “OH OH OH I KNOW!” noises so your teacher would pick you? Hopefully, you were the squirmy kid in the back of the class begging for attention. The same kind of effort needs to be put into your online profile when you are trying out online dating. Your profile needs to grab your prospective date’s attention – and then keep it. How does one accomplish this in the over-abundance of pick-me profiles at any online dating site? Sell yourself. Sell yourself in your profile by using a few (somewhat sneaky) little techniques I am about to share with you here.

Number one online dating profile tip: USE A HEADLINE!

Do not, and I repeat, do NOT put in your headline “Lonely White Fe/male Looking for Love”. Gag me. Who isn’t? This is not going to get anyone’s attention. Try a little humor. Here are some great ones: 74 Model for Lease with Option to Buy, The odds are good, but the goods are odd, Imitation Free, Short Sweet and Likes to Point, Looking for a great e-male!

Next, when you are trying to create an attractive online dating profile is to show them your stuff!

(And I do not mean with the glamour Shot cheesecake kissy face, either). You need to tell all the other singles out here what you are made of and why they should choose you. And don’t tell them in blaze terms, either. Don’t say “I’m funny, smart, attractive and nice”. BLAH BLAH BLAH. That’s boring. Tell them a story about you! Tell them an anecdote, tell them you love to read books about swashbuckling pirates and occasionally leap from a balcony. Tell the other singles that you love to dance, but you promise you don’t look like the guy from Hitch. Tell them you are dangerously intelligent with a penchant for world domination. Keep it spicy, keep it fun and keep it attractive. Make them want to know more – but don’t tell them everything.

Online Dating Profile tip number three – use up to date pictures

– of how you REALLY look. Don’t put your senior picture in your online profile if you are 32 years old. Don’t tell them you are thin and fit if you are not. Be honest and the other singles will appreciate that.

A fourth tip for writing your online dating profile is to tell the other singles exactly what YOU are looking for.

Don’t say, “I’m looking for someone to start a relationship with.” Well no kidding! Tell them you need someone who is energetic and on the go, who likes to go out every weekend and party till the break of dawn or you want someone who loves to sit at home in their PJs and watch old reruns of I Love Lucy. Be specific and be honest. Your online dating profile is your storefront – so advertise yourself well. Keep in mind though, that the goods you ARE selling are precious, and the right buyer has to come along before you open that cash register drawer!

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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Cam Play

Web cam play pros and cons, hints and tips for Femdom and online

Table of Contents

I think this topic is going to be near and dear to a lot of kinksters, myself included. I think cams are great because they let you interact with someone in a much more meaningful way than just text or pics. One snapshot does not show the depths of emotion and the struggle they go through to do as told. You do not know if your taking them to there limits or not without seeing into there eyes. You can play with a partner, see them squirm, watch them carry out your instructions, see their facial expressions, etc. all in real time. no need to wait for photos to show up in email. The joy of a cam is that you can interact on a whole new level

Cams are a great way for beginners to kind of explore Femdom. you can play just for fun with whoever is willing, or you can play with a regular partner and develop a meaningful relationship. it’s also a lot easier to find a partner to play with on cam than to find a partner real time. The internet has made Dominance and submission and B.D.S.M a lot more accessible to a lot of people, but us perverts are still kind of a minority in the real world. plus, in the real world you can never quite tell who’s the kinksters, and who’s vanilla.

‘Pros’ and ‘cons’

The only ‘con’ for me is that a cam doesn’t hold a candle to a real time experience. plus there are things you just can’t do on your own because of logistics, safety etc. But having stated that, it’s an added extra and for people who can’t get out there and meet people, cams certainly are a great addition to some Femdom play times.

I love using the cam with my submissives, and occasional play partners . My sessions are more intense and rewarding. I would rather cam than have pictures taken or them writing of their experiences. I love camming but not just with or for anyone. The ‘pros’ tend to revolve around the fact that one is able to explore an interest in a safe environment. A man who has never cross-dressed in front of another living being, for example, can do so via cam without much fear of ridicule. It’s can be a first step to taking it into real life.

The ‘cons’ tend to be the ungawdly number of boys I have never, met nor chatted with, who want to wave their penis in my general direction and masturbate. Gah. Please. Like it’s special !!!!

I’ve learned my lesson quite a few times, especially using chat rooms, that people are not always who they say they are, if your in doubt we have a resource page Fakers that could help shed some light on, or spot a potential fake.

If I become interested in someone, and they don’t have a web cam, I let them know that will hinder any progress in our D/s relationship. There is just no way I am going to get emotionally involved with someone and then find out they aren’t who they say they are. Besides, I have met hundreds of people that are more than willing to just turn it on so I can watch their facial movements as we speak. If a particular person is absolutely dead set against it, no worries. There are a million people out there with web cams.

There have been a very slim few that have scene’d with me on cam, usually they also watch me as well, but I am kind of picky. I know that I suddenly sound like a webcam snob, or shallow, or what not. I’ve just had some bad times with liars and cheats and fakes. I’m done with that!!!

Quiet a few in online Femdom world also have this idea that web cams are somehow going to expose your session to the world or something?

That people can find out what you are doing on webcam by somehow hacking into your session? Just to clarify some things:

  • First off, about one in 10,000 people (yes, I made that number up, I think it’s extremely conservative, I can‘t locate actual figures) actually have the technical know how to get into your computer to find files that you may or may have not downloaded off the internet, including webcam files. And remember, that most of the time, if not 99 percent of the time, people KNOW the person they are hacking; so be nice to people in general. Karma etc.
  • Secondly, even less people have the technical know how to do that remotely (via the Internet). So unless you happen to live with the world’s most computer literate human being, and they not only have full unaccompanied access to your computer, AND they have your passwords to your IM programs, AND they are someone who spends their days programming in Visual Basic or some other coding language like that AND they happen to know exactly how windows puts all the files where it puts it, all hidden in DOS etc… The chances are NIL that anyone would ever know anything about your hot webcam encounters… You really have to know what you are doing to somehow hack into someone’s web cam session, and then on top of that, that person who is doing it really needs to hate you something awful.
  • Third, free porn is so easily obtainable on the Internet, and the free porn availed is some what of a higher caliber and quality why would someone directly want your cam feed? webcams are, for some, are just a way to utilize the most recent technology to facilitate a long distance relationship; just like phones were to us a hundred years ago, email was to us 15 years ago, and now IM’s, phone text messages and webcam are to us today. I say use what you have available to you.

From a Domme’s point of view, I think trust is built more quickly when You can actually see the boy carrying out Your wishes. I enjoy seeing hard cocks, and I love seeing the effect I’m having on a boy.

The “con” I’ve heard most from submissive males is not knowing for sure it’s a Female watching them on the other end (since most Dommes choose not to show on cam) I imagine it’s difficult for some to show their naked bodies to virtual strangers, or carry out some tasks that are asked of them on camera. Often all that is needed to lay this fear to rest is quick cam showing, that you are in fact female.

Cams can make sub males very insecure and self conscious. digital camera can often be used as a stepping stone to cam work you could maybe get him to send pictures of assignments. A good warm up might be to limit initial cam time, get him to turn on his cam for two minutes . Suggest to him that you want to see his smile. “after 2 minutes you may shut it off and thank me“. Every once in awhile tell your submissive to turn on the cam and you’ll soon notice they will appear more comfortable, increase the time slowly over days, weeks, then slowly progress until you began doing sessions on cam.

Right, you have finally found a willing submissive male to dominate via webcam, so what now ?

First off you need to talk with your sub to find out what pushes his buttons.

It would also be wise to discuss your limits in advance. One of the best ways to do this is to set him an assignment to write down his favorite D/s or cam session (also his favorite fantasy cam session). This will give you lots of hints as to what he likes. Then ask him what didn’t worked in past cam sessions (for example some people might like verbal humiliation, others may be turned off entirely by it). You should also ask him if he has ever completed a BDSM checklist (of what he’s experienced with / what he’d like to try / what he hates, etc)what are his limits what will he negotiate.

Subbies please try to avoid phrases like “I have no limits”, or “I’ll do anything for you”. you may be asked to prove it. (Also, if I may, the biggest PRO to cam sessions is in the truest essence of BDSM – power exchange in a safe, sane and consensual way. If a submissive male finds themselves in a situation or task that they feel may be unsafe or a hard limit, in an online situation they may simply say that. If the Dominant in question is unable or unwilling to listen to and/or address their concerns, then the submissive also has they ability to ‘switch off’ the camera, thereby ending the session and the perceived danger we have an excellent resource page with more info called Dating red flags if your in doubt).

In real time encounters, we use safewords for extreme play, as the submissive may not be able to physically stop the encounter. Online, it’s much more about trust, desire, and the ability to please.

Right so what now ?

Some general things to remember, and please don’t feel I’m teaching you to suck eggs. I’d rather state the obvious and you know it than not do it and you don’t is all.

  • Find a space. Don’t play in limited areas where things can be knocked or hit. I don’t know if your sub is limited to one room, but either way avoid playing in cluttered areas. If he has to rearrange his furniture to create it, so be it. Create the space and keep it that way if you can.
  • The position of the webcam will, obviously, dictate what you can see and how well you can see it. This also ties into the need for a reasonably defined space.
  • The webcam should not be fixed. It’s too limiting. Ideally, wireless is the way to go but they’re costly things. It will be cheaper to buy extension cords and have them lead from the back of the pc to a certain point where the camera can be moved to. The extension cables don’t have to be plugged in, but can sit behind the pc, labelled for each position they lead to such as ‘Top of Wardrobe’ or ‘Bedside’. You can have as many as you like, but I find three or four does the job nicely.

That way, when you prepare to put your sub in a certain position, you have him remove has camera from the pc, plug the relevant extension in and then move the cam to plug it into the other end of the extension and give the best view. Simple, easy and quick and makes use of the space you have created.

Next, remember who he’s doing this for.

It’s all very well knowing what he wants and needs to do, but letting him do such things is his reward for doing what you want him to do.

Just as you need to know him to provide what he wants, he also has to know you to provide what you want. When you’re going to be apart for a time, task him with researching five suggestions for your pleasure. If he comes back with 5 ideas that more pander to his needs, then he is a very naughty boy and needs reminding of that fact. He has to know you as well.

Is he a fit man? If he is, then have him do sit ups with a large plug inside him. Alternatively or additionally, have him clamp his nipples hard and run lengths of cord that are tied of somewhere in front of him. Get his feet pushed against this so he can’t slide downwards and tell him to lie flat so that the cords go taught. Then have him do sit ups so that when he is in the relaxed position, lying flat, the pain is at it’s worst.

When he gets used to that, have the clamps tied off behind him so that, as he sits up, his nipples are pulled backwards and to the side. This can be very productive when, as he sits up, you simply say ‘hold there’.

Buy a dildo with a sucker at the bottom so that it can be easily attached to any flat service. This is good for both oral and anal training. Have him do this with clamps again, tied off near the dildo so that they are only slack when the toy is deep in his mouth and get tighter as he pulls back. They are, of course, absolutely taught when the toy is still in his mouth. If he pulls back too far for any reason, then the clamps yank off and he is hurt for doing so.

Then, of course, he is properly punished for doing so.

One thing I find very frustrating is bad lighting.

Nothing is worse than not being able to see what You want! For the first time cam user, check out your lighting beforehand. Try different lamps or lights, watching the differences of how visible you are on your screen. It wouldn’t hurt to have some alternative lighting available when the big time comes.

some extra ideas that have worked well for me, and others:

Handcuffs with the key frozen in cup of water works well, the key can be retrieved if need, Velcro straps, Bondage tape…just use your imagination and any thing can happen.

Keep in mind, when experimenting with self bondage, that (assuming he’s basically alone) you should be careful. If something were to happen and he was unable to release himself…. that sort of thing. Although a malfunction with the frozen hand cuffs would prove to be entertaining probably. Lol poor subbie trying to get dressed so he can go find a locksmith….. Clothespins are fun *chuckle*. Hmm…lots of teasing, orgasm denial. Hehe, it’s fun to keep your sub riding on the edge for as long as you see fit (actually, it’s fun to be that sub, too!). Crops or other impact toys…especially ones that leave nice marks. Permanent markers to write slutty things on himself. Lip stick for your forced femme

CBT is VERY fun over cam, too. Takes a bit of imagination sometimes, but it can be fun too!

have him cum in a glass early in the session…leave it sitting beside the monitor as you continue (induct value as he is unsure of what will be done with it)…have him drink it for you in closing.

ice cubes in the ass (should he dispel them before they melt, think up some punishment) then insert large plug with a warming lube…lovely contrast that tends to get them excited quickly, and the numbing from the ice allows the larger plug to be less painful. at first. …the look on his face the first time? priceless! a small amount on a plug, or other insertable, can be intense and amazing. a large amount can have them sweating and screaming in a fairly short amount of time. grins.

have him get a popsicle and show you how creative he can be for your amusement.

The addition of the webcam can add to the humiliation and control factor of online play, including the edginess of being discovered by someone walking in on the scene or participating in it from the other side of the camera. The idea of online D/s is always a bit enthralling because your making him do all these things to himself. He’s not even being forced so he’s basically humiliating and torturing himself voluntarily.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

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Meeting Cyber Dommes

Table of Contents

So you want to meet a Domme! You want to be collared either real-time or cyber collared, Or if your honest you just want a little cyber playtime 

So you want to meet a Domme in the chatroom, but you’ve gone in and you’ve got no attention, you haven’t been dragged off to cyber heaven by the Domme of your dreams.

I’ve written this page for a few reasons;

  • 1 You’re going to find it useful
  • 2 The advice contained within it should help stop you looking like an idiot.
  • 3 A slightly more selfish reason…I’m slightly sick of chatroom behavior and being asked the same questions.

If you have arrived at this URL address chances are your either starting out, or you’ve bombed out on your cyber partner hunt, and your searching for answers or help. Or the other reason is… you’ve been pointed in this direction either nicely or quiet abruptly from a fellow chartroom user.

My logical guess is you keep striking out, so you’ve now found you’re self here reading my page – I have no way of knowing. Consequently, don’t take it that personally – I don’t know who you are, or the circumstances under which you’ve arrived here. The chances are however that you are in danger of making yourself look stupid, or that you’re pestering women in a chat room, so please spend the few moments it takes to read this page – it will be worth it.

Before we move onto the information itself, lets make one thing perfectly crystal clear: I’m NOT looking for male submissives anyway, so it’s a total waste of both your time and mine, ok? Well, having got that little, (but important) point out of the way, lets move on, shall we. The following are a list of things that you might want to keep in mind if you want to achieve your goal.

There are lots of male submissives.

You are not the only male submissive in the world, just because you are submissive and she is Domme doesn‘t mean she is interested. In fact, within the BDSM scene you’re just about the lowest of the low. Sorry if that sounds depressing, but it’s the truth, and you might as well hear it from me in a ‘semi’ polite form, instead of from someone else in a chatroom who is rather less than polite. Simply coming into a chat room and telling people that you’re a male submissive isn’t going to mean a thing. Quite frankly, we don’t care. Worse still is telling people that you’re a male submissive, and which lucky mistress would like you as their slave. We will NOT be interested. Most likely we already have a submissive or stable of submissives, and we’re probably not looking for another one. So, to really hammer the point home: THIS APPROACH WILL NOT WORK! YOU are wasting time and effort. If a Domme does pay attention after this approach, chances are you about to serve a Male !!! Think about it ?if this is ok with you, then by all means stop reading and continue on with your quest for self ‘serving’ Femdom.

There are not that many Dommes.

Ohhhhhh was that your little subbie heart shattering?….my apologies’ I maybe should of worded that a tad softer. Don’t despair I do have answers:

The BDSM pecking order goes a bit like this – at the top of the heap are female submissives. They are rare, delightful creatures, few and far between. Next down come Dommes. You don’t tend to get an awful lot of those either. Next in the order are Doms. There are quite a lot of them, believe me. Finally we get to the largest group of all, the male submissive. Consequently, don’t treat all Dommes as the same. If you’ve read this far, you may be a tad pissed off with me generalizing and calling you a male submissive. Just think how much more annoying it is for a Domme to exist in your mind as nothing more than a woman who may want a submissive. You are denying her everything about her, except her sex and the fact that she can tell you what to do. Believe me, this is a really bad idea – the level of interest in you will be zero, zilch nada. If it’s not zero it’s almost certainly because she thinks you’re a joke. (Of course, it’s entirely possible that’s what you get off on, but we’ll assume that you do actually want a Domme for all the right reasons, ok?)

Dommes do not like to be pestered.

In fact, no-one likes to be pestered. In fact, no-one likes people who whine. Gawd knows that we see enough male submissives who do. Ensure that you do not fall into that category. Actually, it’s probably too late, because that’s one of the reasons that someone may have pointed out this web page to you. So make sure you stop that behaviour right now!

Female submissives are not Dommes in disguise.

You may be tempted to talk to a female submissive in the hopes of persuading her that actually, she’s really a Domme and hasn’t met the right submissive male yet. Trust me when I tell you that every female sub has heard every line, at least ten times. THIS WILL NOT WORK! A female sub doesn’t have to be anything other than a female submissive – in terms of rarity value they’re at the top as it is. Believe me – if a female submissive wanted to be a Domme, she’d be one. Trying to persuade her that she is will do nothing except annoy her. It’s a really bad idea to annoy a female submissive; they have ways and means that are beyond the understanding of anyone else, and their revenge will be nothing you’d want to experience. By all means talk to them – hell, talk to all of us! But please don’t try and get her to Domme you. Female submissives in our chatrooms here, on Collarncuffs… are here to serve Dommes, they serve or wish to serve a Female Dominant just the same as you….Remember how you feel when approaching a female sub, they are actually just like you, only a different sex.

The positive steps you should take.

Be polite when entering a chat.

This is of course always good manners for anyone. Politeness is a virtue, good manners go a long way, just as they do in real life. Do not barge into a chat and tell everyone your sex, age, location and your particular fetish. We don’t care. If we take any notice of this at all it’s going to be ‘oh, it’s an idiot. Ignore them’. which is just what you don’t want to happen. You will find that you get on a lot better if you come in, say ‘hi’, and perhaps explain that you’re new to the room. DO NOT IMMEDIATELY START PM’ING DOMMES OR FEMALE SOUNDING NAMES. They won’t be interested, and chances are you might just be chatting up a femmed Male submissive who chooses to use a female nickname, or a ‘lesbian’ female sub. Both who have no interest in you at all. It is much better to sit quietly for a while, listening to conversations and getting to know people individually first, and allowing them to get to know you. Some Dommes will also insist you ask publicly to PM before chatting…heed this advice!! If you wish to get any where.

Demonstrate why you’re different.

Before looking for a Domme, you need to decide for yourself what makes you different. If you’ve taken the trouble to sit in a chat and slowly get involved with it, at some point, someone will ask you about yourself. This is a key moment in your search for a Domme, so use it wisely, even if it‘s another submissive asking question…Dommes present will listen intently if interested. Here are some of the classic errors that are made at this point:

  • Submissive error I’m very submissive.Domme thoughts Big deal so are all submissives.
  • Submissive error I do exactly what I’m told.Domme thoughts Well yes.. and? This one is desperate!
  • Submissive error I’ll do anything for the right Mistress.Domme thoughts Well yes.. and again? This one is desperate!
  • Submissive error I have a tongue that can go for hours Domme thoughts Well why don’t you conserve it, and shut the fuck up!
  • Submissive error I’m excellent at pleasuring my Mistress Domme thoughts Oh, ok… he’s desperate for a fuck.
  • Submissive error I’m rich with my own Penthouse suite.Domme thoughts He’s a desperate liar.
  • Submissive error I’m available for the right Domme! Domme thoughts Totally clueless and arrogant.
  • Submissive error I’m 23, very fit and highly intelligent.Domme thoughts even more totally clueless and arrogant
  • Submissive error I’m looking for a Domme!Domme thoughts You’re a male sub, of course you are…

None of those approaches will work. We see it every night. What makes much more sense is to assume that we know you’re submissive, that you’ll do as you’re told and all that jazz. So don’t tell us, move swiftly onto something about you that’s interesting. What hobbies do you have? What skills have you got? What makes you an interesting human being? The fact that you’re a sub isn’t interesting. We know that already. There are very interesting male submissives – I know lots of them, as do the rest of us. But they are interesting because they are people who happen to be submissive. Do you see the difference? I really hope so!

Tell us why you’re different and leave it.

Don’t continue whittering on about it. If people are interested, they’ll ask you about it. If they do, congratulations, you’ve moved onto the next stage in your search. FINDING A DOMME IS A LONG TERM PROCESS – IT WILL NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. If you come into a chat room expecting to find a Domme who will come around and visit you the same evening or the next day to beat you senseless, just leave the room right now and go to yahoo_bdsm_stupidly_optimistic_room_101 After all – why should a Domme want to? She’s probably already got a sub she can phone up and say ‘come over here now, I am in horny mood to beat you’. So just leave it. Don’t push it, and don’t go expect anything to happen now, tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or this week. Or probably this month. I’m really sorry – I know that you’re desperate – it’s clear for all to see, and there’s nothing that is more off-putting than a desperate submissive. It’s not pretty and it’s not attractive.

Visit the chatroom again. And again.

But visit it as a PERSON. Do not visit as a male submissive desperate for a Domme. We’ll just get totally pissed off with you. However, if you are interesting and a fun person to chat to, you’ll be warmly welcomed. Do this for long enough, and at some point a Domme will turn her eye towards you. (Probably both eyes in fact. If she does just turn one eye towards you, you may have reason to be slightly concerned). And when you visit, come to the chatroom to meet people. Don’t come with the express requirement to meet the Domme of your dreams. She probably doesn’t exist, and if she does, she’s the one who is married, or has a full stable… ok? Treat all of us Dommes, submissives just like normal real life people because you know what? That’s exactly what we are. No-one likes being put in a pigeon hole. You don’t like me thinking of you as ‘just another male submissive’, and quite frankly, I don’t blame you. If you don’t like it, why would we want to be pigeon holed either?

When a Domme talks to you.

Obviously be polite. We all like politeness. Dommes usually insist on it. However, don’t grovel, since we don’t like that. Save the kissing my ass for when you ask you too. Most Dommes don’t like grovelling. Remember, that she is talking to you because she finds you interesting – the fact that you’re a submissive is taken for granted, so you need to make sure that you think in those terms as well. Do not immediately launch into a sales pitch about how you’re the best sub she’ll ever meet blah blah (see I just tuned out). She won’t believe you and she’ll lose interest within seconds. Of course, if she asks what you like doing as a submissive, tell her! DO NOT SAY ‘ANYTHING YOU WANT MISTRESS’. This immediately puts you into the category of sad desperate loser, or just a wank chaser. Tell her what you do like doing, and what you don’t like doing. Be clear about this, since she’s going to find out at some point, and you might as well be up front about it – it’ll save your time and hers Miss Right is better than Miss Rightnow.

What to do if a Domme expresses an interest.

Your on your own now after all your domme must be interested in you to of allowed you this far

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Posted on

Finding a Domme

FINDING MISS RIGHT! Not miss right now

UPDATE 2022: Please note our community contains a more in-depth collection of articles and resources in our Free Program, “Help me, find my Domme.

Are you looking for a magic spell or potion a unique formula that will guarantee you a Mistress you want? Well, there isn’t any . Not really…

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you must start at the beginning. Just as you would in the vanilla world First you sit down and identify who you are as a person. By this I mean your viewpoints on morality, spirituality, ethics politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and your sense of humor. Yes!!! It all counts After all is said and done its who you are as a person These fundamental facets count the most. Too many people look through rose colored glasses, looking for the D/s facet instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that equals or matches you. This is critical. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using signs or safe words, wanting only to appease their Domme. So, it is a good idea to ‘match’ with the same limits as your Domme from the beginning. In addition, if you are a McDonalds burger person, you may have trouble eating caviar and drinking champus every day of the week- be real and honest with yourself!

Yes. Domme’s have limits. They have the same mental processes as all humans. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking a Domme who matches you then you reduce the potentials of limits violations. So, you have your list . . . What to do now? Since you are probably reading this via the wonders of the internet Now use your computer to conduct a search (yes that’s right if good for something other than porn LOL) . You can do so by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Domme, Mistress. Then type in your local area. Some good place to conduct searches are Collarncuffs forum, Collarme.com, Alt.com, Bondage.com . It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 3 hour drive from your permanent residence. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics, they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems which are much less common ‘within’ your local area. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that could have possibilities. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter (please note this means NO naked photos if a Domme asks for naked pics she is more than likely interested in a playmate than a person). In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually all countries have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. You could also addressed this in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Attend a few local social events (I am not talking play parties or open dungeons but demo’s and workshops !).

By limiting your search to your local vicinity you increase the potential of finding a life partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber chats and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to ‘prevent’ the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement’s without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. If you find you are constantly finding Miss Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When you contacting a potential partner/Domme in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to ‘appear’ just right when they really are not. Keep your email courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. (The things on your list). If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Honorific titles are earned – not given by typing in a screen name or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time – consistent actions and behavior becoming to the individual. To me this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.

Next I recommend a fairly quick meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with No plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the sub they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered within the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)

If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your risks are much higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time that children have no reason to question!

Each of these things present you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.

Having said all this I do wish to add that some long distance relationships can and do work. if you are familiar with our forum on Collarncuffs you will know, to whom I am referring too. But I think even he will agree, it has been a long hard haul to the road of happiness…and his hard work has paid off…and we here at Collarncuffs wish him every happiness and a smooth journey forward for him and his Wife/Domme.

article by MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Posted on

safeword

A safeword is a codeword or series of codewords that are sometimes used in Femdom/BDSM to mean that a submissive (or ‘bottom’) is reaching a physical, emotional or moral boundary or for the dominant (or ‘top’) to stop the scene play. Safewords are agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants. Many organized Femdom groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.

Forms of Safeword in Femdom

In BDSM, the safeword is generally used so that the ‘bottom’ can scream “no, stop”, etc. as much as he wants without really meaning it, and still have a way of indicating a serious desire that the scene stops. Accordingly, a safeword is usually a word that the person would not ordinarily say during sex, such as red light, big tree, scrambled eggs, or even aardvark. Commonly the word safeword itself is used as a safeword. It is the default at many play parties. With the range of safewords in common use it is important that the safeword be negotiated beforehand.

Green, Yellow and Red

Some partners have different gradations of safeword, such as green to mean “ok” or even “harder” or “more,” yellow to mean “slow down” or “stop doing that” without stopping the scene, and red to mean “let’s stop the scene”.

On Request

Another way to use safe words is for a ‘top’ to ask the ‘bottom’ “What is your color?” – So in addition to red and yellow, green is a common safe word used to indicate, “I’m fine” or even “push harder.”

Non-Verbal

In other circumstances the safeword may not be a “word” at all, which is very useful when the submissive is bound and gagged. In these instances a signal such as dropping a bell or a ball, the snapping of fingers, or making three clear and rhythmic grunts or some other specific vigorous movement works as a pre-defined signal to stop or otherwise slow down the scene. There is also a convention of tops to put a finger in the ‘bottom’ ‘s hand as a sort of ‘check in’ when the ‘bottom’ has become non-verbal, such as may happen as they reach subspace. In this scenario the ‘bottom’ squeezes the ‘top’s finger to indicate OK.

Dropping Roleplay

In the case of sexual role-play, some simply drop out of character to safeword, such as having the submissive address the dominant by her first name.

Who Can Use asafe word?

It is a common misconception that safeword is only for the bottom’s physical and emotional safety. It is in fact important that it can be used by all participants in a scene: bottoms, tops, dungeon masters at play parties and even at times observers.

For example a common practices in BDSM involves a bottom misbehaving intentionally to indicate the desire for harsher treatment. Sometimes a top will need to safeword the scene to let them know they have gone too far for them.

Third parties observing the scene may have the ability to spot something dangerous going on that both the top and bottom have missed, and need to stop the scene to point it out.

No-Fault

Probably the most common reason that bottoms and submissives hesitate to safeword is fear of disappointing the top. This can cause a scene to go on where it should have stopped, causing some form of harm to its participants. As such it is considered important in many parts of the BDSM community that the use of safeword remain no-fault so that participants feel as safe as possible using it. Reassuring the party that safeworded is a common practice for this reason as well. Discouraging the use of safeword runs the risk of future scenes becoming non-consensual and harming the bottom’s trust.

Play without Safeword

While many in the Femdom community consider safewords an essential part of safe play, there is a significant contingent that does not have any such term in their relationships or their play. Some of these people simply use the word Stop, but this is risky because it may be misinterpreted as role-playing.

Others rely on the ‘top’ to monitor the condition of the ‘bottom’ and stop if necessary, at their discretion. In such circumstances the ‘bottom’ or submissive must have consented not to have control over the duration of the scene in advance.

Interestingly, some of those who recommend safewords do not themselves use them – though this is not often discussed in public. There is an undercurrent assumption that play without safewords is an “advanced” technique and should not be advocated in the hearing of novices. BDSM activity without a safeword is regarded by many as inadvisable and dangerous. Ignoring safewords is considered dishonorable and a deeply immoral practice in the BDSM community.

Discouraging the use of safeword runs the risk of future scenes becoming non-consensual and harming the bottom’s trust.

Resource Article : MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com

Further reading:

Nonverbal Ways to Safewords Within a Femdom Scene : Within the dynamics of a femdom scene, communication is paramount to ensure the safety and comfort of all participants. While vocal safewords are commonly used to indicate a need to pause or stop the play, there are scenarios where verbal communication may not be feasible. In such instances, the implementation of nonverbal safewords becomes crucial.

Navigating the Aftermath of Using Your Safeword: A Guide to Emotional and Physical Recovery


D/s Contracts – What are D/s contracts? and how do D/s contracts work?


Contract Sample 1 – An example of a simple D/s contract.


Contract Sample 2 – A more complicated example of a M/s contract


Contract Sample 3 – An example of a temporary BDSM poly contract.


BDSM Rights – Know your rights with a Femdom relationship


SSC v’s RACK – Safe, sane and consensual V’s Risk-Aware Consensual Kink


Limits & negotiations – Both Dominants and submissives can express limits. What are your partners?


Partner check list – A list a great place to start to get to know your partner or open up communication channel.


Abuse and P.E – Abuse and erotic power exchange, know the dangers.


Explicit Implicit – Explicit Consent / Implicit consent Play considerately and consensually.

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